Be proud of your life
and who you are
at the moment.

That's what my perpetual calendar says this morning. Synchronicity. Last night in my home group I voiced how I had changed from a "Get'er done" personality to a very laid back personality. I no longer go into a situation in my Controlzilla mode. My attitude is more of "whatever will be, will be." I'm not sure that translates into a very successful teacher and that bothers me. At times I've worried that I am so burned out that I am worthless. But maybe I'm not. Maybe all of this self-defeat is due to the situation I've lived in since Joey left. Maybe I'm getting closer to the center of my onion.

I tossed and turned all night wondering how on in the world I'm going to get through today with my right hand out sick. The other assistant will have to step up and do something today. I hate to go to the principal and say that he isn't working out for that room because I know he needs the benefits. But shoot, he isn't earning his keep. It's like having another child in the room.

I'm going to add a gratitude list here simply because I haven't done one in a while.

A- Al-Anon, A Course in Miracles, Awakenings, Alice
B- Barry, blog
C- Clean clothes, Corey, cats
D- Daniel
E- E-mail, Elyce
F- Family
G- God
H- Hope, home, health
I- Immaculate Conception Catholic Church
J- Job, Jennifer, Joe
K- Kenny
L- Linda, Lois
M- Marianne Williamson, Mom, Mickey
N- New challenges
O- Options, Opportunities
P- Pulaski Electric
Q- Quedarrius
R- Rosie
S- Samantha
T- Taylor, transportation
U- Understanding
V- Vibrator ('nuff said)
W- Wisdom
X- Xena- may I find her today
Y- Yo-yo
Z- ZZZZZZZZ (heavenly sleep)

Here I am 12 hours later. Today was a day. That's about all I can say. My little wheelchair bound boy was sick and cried most of the morning. I held him in my lap and rocked him most of the time. I could not get him to eat anything but I did manage to get him to drink a little apple juice. I felt truly powerless with him. He sounded so congested and I wanted very badly to use the suction machine that belongs to the other wheelchair bound child on him but I didn't. I wound up having the nurse call his mother.

The other two boys really took advantage of the situation. They plowed right over my male assistant. I had to really speak up several times to get him to do his job. The sub had no clue what to do as she had never been in there before and I had my hands full. When I got a break I got law and order back established but I can see where there are a lot of things that need to be done differently.

I plan to go into room this weekend and rearrange furniture. I'm redoing the set up of the assistants desks for sure because the male assistant spends too much time on the computer and not enough time helping with kids. But I don't think that assistants need to have a work station like that. The previous teacher did not do his own paper work but I've always done my own. I don't need that same set up. It's going to be rearranged. Just wish I had someone to help me. Maybe I can enlist my brother. I just wish I had some way to pay him for his time. He will expect me to.

I've beent rying to figure out what it is that I'm feeling. I finally narrowed it downt to me feeling as if I were a prisoner in my own life, as if I had no options or choices. I have been feeling like a victim of circumstances. So, like the good Al-Anon that I am I went to my CAL to see what I could find to journal on.

Once I changed my perspective, my all-encompassing perception of doom and gloom began to evaporate.
Hope for Today, p. 5.

I have been down this road before. This is not new territory. I am not helpless. I have options. I can find things to do with my time without becoming overly dependent on someone else. I am my own person. I can get through the tough times. The old saying- "when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher"- may apply to me. I don't have to go back to being Controlzilla to survive. I can bend. My life is not hopeless. Things will get better.

I can let go of the parts of my life that are not under my contol and I can take charge of the parts that are.
Hope for Today, 327.

I do have control over my classroom. I can make decisions about what we are all going to do and guide everyone in that direction. I have done this before and been sucessful. I can teach. I am not helpless or hopeless in this situation.

I have been financially in a disarray before, not quite as bad as I was this summer, but it is not new territory to me. My old methods do not work. I've learned that. I will lean more on the God of my understanding. I don't know how to straighten out this mess but He does. I will give Him that problem because it is beyond my control.

I've been alone and friendless before, too. I know how to make friends. That is in my control. I also know how to engage people in meaningful dialog. I will seek people out.

My choices reflect my opinion of and relationship with myself.
Hope for Today, p. 279.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor.

I've been thinking about how I feel about my life. At first I was just numb because everything was so new and change is difficult for me. But I was also a little depressed because I looked at the situation and couldn't for the life of myself figure out how someone could have as rotten luck as I do. Now, I'm fluctuating between being highly pissed off and and amused.

Let's look at the facts. I needed (not wanted) a new job closer to home due to finances. I got one within 6 blocks of my house which seemed like a plus because I thought I was going to lose my truck. I was given a room that has a lot of things in it that I am not use to having- a refrigerator, microwave, washer, dryer and my own cell block for solitary confinement. I was left with one assistant which seemed wonderful because she could fill me in on what the kids were like and the routine that they were used to. I was grateful for these things. But now I see things a little differently.

My school is six blocks from my house and I'd like to work in it a little more than I have but after school I'm in such pain I have to come home and lie down. On weekends I have to battle the security alarm system and I feel like a criminal when I set it off. Having a refrigerator and microwave is great but I have no supplies to go with it. I wanted to use those things but could not find the materials I needed to spring off of. I gave up too soon. I'll go back to it. The washer and dryer are good things to have because we have things that need washing daily. The cell block is hideous. I hate it. I also hate the big clunky tables in the room. I wish I could get rid of them. I also hate the set up that the former teacher had for the assistants. Why did they have a work station with computers and the computer chairs? I want to rearrange that. As to the returning assistant- she's gone. She went to complain about me after only 2 days of working with me. She's also spread stuff through the school about me. I hate a gossip especially when they haven't gotten their story right.

Now let's look at the situation I have now. The nurse is back from her surgery. She still doesn't like working with my wheelchair student. She keeps asking my opinion of why the little girl is here. What does it matter? She's here. She's a human being. Let's take care of her needs to the best of our ability. The nurse gets distracted with other things and doesn't follow through on her job in a timely matter. She still wants to put all of it off on me.

The outgoing assistant was replaced with a lovely man who seems to be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. He is not very useful in the classroom. The other assistant is frustrated. She's good at what she does but like me she is totally confused about this classroom. As to the students we have our hands tied with them unless I can figure out a system to corral them. I've got one who has split personalities and I believe needs to be visited by a priest for an exorcism. I have a drama queen whose antics have caused me enough trouble due to the paddling issue that came up between the outgoing assistant and the mother. And I have a munchkin who wants to "help" to the point of being in the way. Then there are two helpless children in wheel chairs. It's enough to make me want to scream.

I spent my own money on the classroom because the requistion I turned in was never honored. I have no idea who I'm supposed to ask about it. I'm afraid to go to the principal again. She'll think I'm a complete idiot. I hate to ask my mentor- I can't even remember her name. Every time I've asked her something she hasn't had an answer of any kind for me. I don't understand the set up with the other special education teachers. There is no communication. They are on the other side of the world from me. When I ask questions they look at me like I'm an imbecile. So, I'm on my own. But I'm wondering if I can be reimbursed my money because I really need groceries. I've saved my receipts. I may have to ask and risk being seen as an idiot.

I'm grateful for the paycheck that I received last week. I just wish I hadn't been overdrawn at the bank. I might be able to have bought some groceries and had money set aside for gas. Now I've got two weeks to worry about.

I'm also concerned about all the debt I have. It's left over from Joey's antics and I can't figure out how, after 3 years, I'm in this state of affairs. I thought I had all my bases covered.

I guess the word of the day is "change". It seems to be the topic jumping out at me. What can I change? It's not about "who" I can change because I realize that the only person I can change is me. It's about what I can change about me or my situation to make it better. Sometimes it feels like I can't do enough, like my best isn't good enough.

This morning I am thinking about my new job. I've spent my own money to get materials in that room rather than buy groceries or put some back for gas. Will anyone care? No. I will still feel as if I am not doing enough. It's not that I want to openly criticize the previous teacher but I wonder what he did without materials. Surely he didn't just hand them worksheets.

I am in extreme physical pain this morning. The lifting is getting to my back again. But I've got aches and pains due to going from air conditioning to heat, as well. I'll be glad when Fall actually arrives. Maybe my aches and pains will actually go away.

I've got some financial decisions to make. I was with the bankruptcy lawyer yesterday. Hopefully that will get back on track soon and be taken care of. That only leaves the IRS and Gibson Brothers for me to take care of. Only. Who am I kidding? I sometimes fear that I will ever get back on track. As Linda pointed out the weekend in Huntsville was clearly not in my budget but I needed it for my emotional and mental well being. I needed to be in the company of someone who had no expectations or demands of me. I was able to just be me.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

They are able because they think they are able.
--Virgil

For most of us, addiction was full of doubt. We stopped believing in ourselves. Our thoughts had turned to "stinkin' thinkin'. " We didn't believe in much of anything. We didn't take risks. We always looked for the easier, softer way.

In recovery, we start to believe again. We believe in the program. We believe in a Higher Power. We believe in people. And, over time, we believe in ourselves again. We become better at taking risks.

We are able to stay sober because we believe, because we take risks. As we stay sober, we can face almost anything - with the help of others.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, I have learned to believe in You. Help me believe in myself. I have something to give to this world. Help me give it freely.

Action for the Day

Today, I'll list ten good points about myself. I'll go over these good points with a friend.

I had to think about my good points. Here goes:

1. I am generous.
2. I am compassionate.
3. I am sentimental.
4. I have a good sense of humor.
5. I am responsible.
6. I am loyal.
7. I am spiritually minded.
8. I think outside the box.
9. I try to accept others based on who they are rather than who I would like them to be.
10. I am intelligent.


This morning's Hazelden reading was along the same lines as my share with the on-line Al-Anon meeting last night. The topic was the legacy that we leave behind. I’ve already had two people respond to my share.

When I used think about a legacy and what I have to leave behind I used to get discouraged because I have no children or nieces and nephews. I used to get all morbid and wonder who will mourn my passing, who will come to my funeral when I go and who will remember me? I don't own anything of value to keep people coming around and because I was unable to have children there isn't anyone to pass my DNA on to.

Then a thought hit me- a legacy is more than property, money, physical items or even inherited genetic traits that we leave behind. We leave our footprints in the sand for generations of future recovery members to follow. Bill and Lois W. had no biological children and look at the legacy they left behind. We, the members of recovery, became their legacy. That gives me hope.

I help keep Al-Anon active in my small corner of the world. That is my legacy. As long as one member is willing to show up, share and keep a group on the map there remain footprints in the sand for others to follow.


And, of course, I need to mention that the share to the on-line group came after a weekend with Linda where we laughed and cried. I shared with her all of my suicidal thoughts that I had experienced and the fact that I had made out my will after going to Marie's funeral in December. I also shared that I'd been experiencing depression the entire time I've known her. I'm on antidepressants now and sometimes the medication does not hold the depression at bay because I'm still struggling to believe in myself.

I went to Huntsville this weekend and spent time with my sista. I was actually doing service work and working off a debt. I helped Linda work on her family tree and had a blast in the process. Wish I could have stayed in Huntsville.

I hate to say this but I came back to the chaos of my biological family and it made me cringe. I've got problems of my own. I can't handle my own stuff. How can anyone expect me to handle theirs? I just pray every day, "Lord, you know what my needs are and I pray you'll help me meet them." And that's all I can pray for others. Some things are just beyond my control. But I've got to tell you that if I weren't on medication right now, I'd be a basket case of worry.

Linda commented that in the three years she's known me this was the most peaceful she'd ever seen me. It's because I let go of all my problems and gave them to God.

Know what else? I didn't get on the computer to check my e-mail one time while I was gone. This is the first I've seen of my computer since Friday morning. There's hope for me yet.

I wanted to say something about problems though. I may be back in bankruptcy court. I've got a bad feeling that they're about to dump all my bills back in my lap. I'm hoping that isn't the case. I also have not been able to send anything to the IRS. But perhaps I can get everything caught up next month. I stretched my paycheck as far as I could stretch it. I spent some money on my classroom and now that I've heard from the other elementary school- they want their stuff back (what stuff?)- I'm glad I did because once I figure out what belongs to them what I bought will be all the materials we have.

I'm praying things settle down soon in that classroom. Chaos is something I can't tolerate any more. I just don't have the stomach for it any more.

We don’t necessarily gravitate towards what is good for us; we gravitate toward what feels like home.
Hope for Today, p. 81

When I thought about this statement for the umpteenth time, it dawned on me the full extent of what it was saying. The sentence comes from a reading on negative thinking. I gravitate toward looking at the negative rather than the positive. Whom do I see the negative in? Myself. Then an old adage popped into my head:

Familiarity breeds contempt.
~ Anonymous

I’m so familiar with my faults or, as the Al-Anon program would have me call them, defects, that I was replaying the self-hate tapes again. I was going over and over in my mind things I had said and done. I was replaying them in an attempt to see what I could have done differently.

As badly as I hate to admit it, I was traveling that journey in my head alone. I forgot what my favorite Al-Anon reading said:

“When you have to go into your head,” says an Al-Anon friend, “don’t go alone. It’s not a safe neighborhood.” My experience certainly corroborates the truth of this statement. Now when I have to go inside my mind for some serious thinking and I can’t travel with a program person, I take my Higher Power. When I have trouble contacting that Power, I follow a simple three-point plan my sponsor taught me.

 First, I remind myself that I’ve been in this neighborhood before.
 Second, I make a gratitude list, usually beginning with food, clothing and shelter.
 Third, I meditate and pray that my Higher Power will give me a sign that I’m going in the right direction. Much as I might like to see a lightning bolt hurled from the sky, I make myself receptive to less dramatic moments of insight.

With the glint of light this process provides, the neighborhood may not look like an amusement park, yet it still feels passable. It is, after all, my neighborhood.
Hope for Today, p. 47.

I’ve been in this spot before. So, why now, does it cause me to worry? Or as Elyce asked last night, why do I need to be on antidepressants? It’s because I can’t do it on my own any more. I never really could. There was an illusion that I could. I really do need as much help as I can get. I can’t pull myself up by my bootstraps any more.

The phone has been disconnected but I still have internet. Go figure. The bill is very high. It's been running too high for a while. I'm going to Pulaski Electric and signing up for their new phone, internet and cable package. AT&T can wait. But I'm not going to do anything until Monday. I'll be gone all weekend. I don't see any reason to rush.

Last night that sense of urgency I felt sent me to a local grocery store. While in line at the cash register I had a chance to look at the DVD display and there it sat- In Good Company. This was the movie that I'd come across when I put Topher Grace's name in with A Course in Miracles. It was on sale. So, of course I bought it. I was going to watch the whole thing but Elyce called. Again I knew that I had stayed home so that I could talk to her. I found myself saying what I needed to hear.

Elyce and I met under the most unusual of circumstances 9 years ago. We reconnected when I attended my first Al-Anon assembly three years ago in Murfreesboro. Because of our bizarre history she thinks we are going to be life long friends. She may be right.

Our topic was victim vs. survivor. We're both survivors and sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

On My Own

From the movie, Fame

As sung by Irene Cara

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

Today was my last session individually with my therapist. I get a new one next month and I'll be in a group. She asked me what I thought I had learned this summer. There are many lessons. She acknowledged that I had come a long way in a short time partly because I am so determined to survive and because I have a program. I have a program! Finally, someone acknowledges that I have a program. She also asked me what my goals were. I want financial security, a home of my own and a healthy relationship. We got into some talk about how I never got to explore life when everyone else my age was. I told her I felt like a dinosaur. I also discussed my feelings of confusion based on things that were said this last year and I didn't hear that I was crazy.

I didn't tell her this but more than anything I want to have sense of belonging, that I fit in somewhere, that someone actually wants me with them. I don't want to be an after thought any more. It's not that I want to be all important but I do want someone to care. I don't feel like anyone gives much thought to me unless I make noise and I hate doing that. Couldn't I be loved and wanted without having to draw so much attention to myself? Do I have to continually squeek to get noticed?

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The Dark Side

Have you ever gone outside at night and looked closely at the new moon? Or looked through a telescope at the moon when it was crescent shaped? Although what we see is a bright slice, we know there's more. Even when the moon is full and lights the night sky, there's a dark side to the moon.

There's a dark side to us too. We all experience jealousy, envy, bitterness, resentment. How about neediness? Ugh. Who wants to shine a light on that?

What about all those fears? Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of intimacy, fear of going broke, fear of the unknown, fear of growing old, fear of being alone, fear of being with someone, fear of losing control.

Then there are other parts of us that we would prefer to keep darkened and out of sight, parts such as greed, dishonesty, intolerance, disgust, hatred. Although some people have no problem showing anger, others of us prefer to keep that out of sight too. And what about our manipulative part? Who wants anyone to see that?

Some of us may even consider the dark side of ourselves forbidden. We may refuse to acknowledge it exists because we believe it's wrong. Not acknowledging our dark side doesn't wish it out of existence, any more than not seeing the dark side of the moon makes it disappear.

Most sane people agree that they don't want to be controlled by their dark side. We don't want parts of ourselves - jealousy, neediness, and greed - to control our behaviors. But when we don't acknowledge these emotions and traits, they can gain control. The more we try to repress something, the more it fights for its life.

Don't be afraid. Shine a light on that dark part. At least look at it briefly. Acknowledge it's there. Take some of the pressure off. Let yourself be well rounded, instead of one-dimensional. We don't just have a light side, a bright side. Nobody is always loving, always kind, always generous, and always thoughtful.

Perpetual calendar says:

Don't go planting
seeds of doubt
then expect a
harvest of confidence.

The two readings seemed to kind of go together. The topic was just approached from a different angle.

I guess both of these are things that I needed to see this morning. Yesterday was pay day. I managed to pay my electic bill, 2 months rent, get my tags renewed, make a truck payment, pay back Lois, give Mom some money for groceries, fill up my gas tank, get my hair cut and buy several things for my classroom (I spent too much there). I've got some decisions to make on how to spend the rest of my paycheck. Need to be frugal as I only get paid once a month and the next paycheck is on September 14th. Those three things I was worried about- Gibson Brothers, IRS and bankruptcy- are still weighing heavily on me. I may only be able to pay on one of those things unless I can make three small payments. Not sure any amount would be acceptable but at least I could take a stab at it. Telephone and cable will have to wait a while longer which means that my telephone could be cut off in the near future. Oh, well. I still have my cell phone with a few minutes on it. I've got access to the internet from a variety of places. It's in God's hands. I've done all that I can for now.

I'm extremely tired this morning. I went to bed early as I had worked myself into exhaustion but my body aches from the strain of it all. Yesterday ran smoother even though it got off to a rocky start with a visit from the principal. It seems that disgruntled assistant that left the classroom caused far more trouble than I had originally thought. But as Jennifer said, it will all blow over. The best thing to do is move forward.

I'm working on things for the classroom. The vision specialist gave me PVC pipe to create a mobile for Corey and Samantha, my wheelchair bound students. I did not manage to borrow a hack saw from anyone and I didn't feel like dealing with Lois last night, so I bought a pipe cutter as Kenny suggested. I managed to get the PVC pipe cut last night out of sheer determination. It took me about an hour to cut three pieces but I managed to get it done. The pipe cutters were hard for me to manage. I guess my hands are weaker than I thought. My hat is off to Kenny if he does that on a regular basis.

I am currently looking for a large funnel that is round and flat. It may not actually be called a funnel due to its shape and size but that is the only name I can put to it. I'm trying to create a workstation like the one I had in Columbia. In the science realm it would show centrifigual force. In the special ed realm it would be for fine motor skills as it involves picking up marbles. I bought the largest funnel that I could find but I don't think it's going to work as it is not flat and the opening at the bottom is too small. We'll experiment with it to see what we can do.

I also have several small Mr. Potato Head figures that require assembling. Again this is fine motor skills. I also picked up two more age appropriate puzzles for the kids to assemble.

I spent much of the night after working on my classroom projects answering e-mail and on the telephone with various Al-Anon members. I spoke to three district members directly as I needed an answer to give our speaker for Al-Anon Day. She wants to bring an Alateen speaker with her when she comes. I think it would be cool but I'm just one voice.

I'd like to make an Al-Anon meeting tonight but I've got so much to do that it is doubtful that I will be able to. Oil needs to be changed in truck, laundry is pilling up and I need to straighten up the apartment. I'll look at how I'm feeling at the end of the day. Medication has begun to kick in and I've got a therapy session tomorrow. So, it's not like I am in dire need of a meeting.

Here I am 12 hours later...

I had given a lot of thought to what I needed to do after school today. I did get the oil changed and I did wash the dishes. That is all I'm going to do today. I have clean clothes for tomorrow so laundry can wait until after I've gone to my therapy session. I've got to buy groceries, too. I'm not going to a meeting. I've got this overwhelming sense of urgency for me to stay at home. I'm learning to trust my instincts. So, I'm going to stay put. Might actually turn in early.

Today is D day or pay day, which ever way you want to look at it. I've been without funds all summer. I don't know why I'm so worried about this paycheck stretching. It either will or it won't. But I worry any way. I'm overdrawn over $400 at the bank. I've got 2 months rent to pay, an electric bill, tags for the car, an oil change, a truck payment, etc. I'm going to make considerably less and I'm already over $400 in the hole. So, yeah, I'm concerned. But I've placed it over and over in God's hands. He will have to deal with it. I can't.

Last night I found myself in the oddest of Al-Anon meetings. Mark chaired and the topic was needs. All I can say positively about that meeting is that I'm glad that Lois was there. Mark is not happy in his marriage and he is looking for someone to fill that void. I'm lonely. That is not to say that we'd wind up together but misery does love company. I think the topic was a good one but it might have been better discussed in a larger group or in a same sex group. But I'm told that at any given time the people who are supposed to be in a meeting are present with the topic that is supposed to be discussed. It's all a part of God's plan. Perhaps, for me it was God's way of saying, that it's time that I face the fact that my needs aren't getting met. Duh? Face them? I think about it all the time. So, maybe it's more in line with, how am I going to get my needs met? Maybe that is more important for me to worry about right now than my finances. But I've got to tell you that my feeling of financial security seems to be taking precedence over my love life right now. I'm so afraid of the Gibson brothers taking me to court over the bill with the black truck that wasn't completely fixed, the IRS coming after me for taxes that haven't been paid and my bankruptcy case being dropped that I don't know that a relationship would do anything but further complicate my life. But I'm willing to give it a shot as long as I'm not asked to be financially responsible for it like I was in my marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm willing to risk my heart again as long as there isn't a hand out for money. But I'm wondering what healthy male would want someone as financially unstable as I am right now.

My prayer this morning is that I make it through the day without breaking down, that I actually receive a paycheck that my Higher Power and I can work with and that I can get my basic needs of food, shelter and clothing met. Then maybe my Higher Power and I can tackle the relationship stuff.

I gained a lot of ESH from members of my on-line Al-Anon group yesterday. Several reached out and answered my questions. Kenny actually called! It seems that he and I are at the same point in our lives right now for various reasons. It felt fairly good to sit and talk to someone about how I was feeling. For once I wasn't told that I was being silly or that I was crazy. I was also not told that I had lost my program. He understood, just as all of those on-line that responded seemed to, that I am just going through another phase of transformation. I'm in some pain and I'm feeling terribly vulnerable.

Kenny's take is more of "we're at a higher level of recovery that they are" than the rest. I'm not sure that I'd word it quite that way, but I can see where others have become complacent. We actually discussed that, too.

Kenny reminds me a lot of my old college English professor Mr. Burks. Mr. Burks was a very difficult man to get along with at times. He was extremely intelligent and philosophical. He was also an alcoholic. This man was my nemesis during my freshman year of college because of all the "constructive" criticism he dished out while I had him for Speech class. But when I entered his Literature class he was far more complimentary of me. He actually put me in the same category intellectually as himself even though I doubt I belong there (Kenny also spoke of me having a high IQ. I've never had my IQ tested so I have no idea what it might be.). This was the man I wrote the Don Quixote essay for and received an "A". This was also the man who told me the worst feeling we as humans could have for another was apathy. I learned a lot from this old professor. I see him around once in a while but I seldom speak to him because I doubt he remembers who I am.

There is another scholarly gentleman who interacts with me the same way. Mr. Smith is a volunteer at the local library in the genealogy room the same as I. He is a retired Methodist minister. He has a lot of heart but he seldom allows any one close enough to see it. His intellectual prowess deters people from getting close to him. Sometimes he actually comes off as an intellectual snob.

At any rate, I have digressed. Kenny and I talked for about an hour. He does not divulge alot of information but I am learning to listen between the lines. He is a carpenter or architect by trade, that much I believe to be true. He is actively seeking spiritual guidance and willing to go to any length to get it. He reads a lot. He's a little put out with his recovery group. He's in therapy and he's on antidepressants. He is pursuing meaningful friendships with others and is quite frustrated with the object of his affections, Rick. He's lonely and he's a little depressed right now. Yep, Kenny and I are on similar a path. While we did not get to the topic I'd hoped we would, I think it's coming. He's still trying to test the waters and so am I. But we've progressed enough that he's asked for my mailing address because he's going to create a "busy box" for me to use in my classroom. He even said he wished I lived closer because he had many of the supplies I needed to make some of the materials I was talking about. I wish we lived closer to each other, too, but I doubt we'd get along if we did. I'm so grateful that God sent Kenny into my life when he did. He's helped me a lot.

You know, I think I'm going to revisit that book, A Wrinkle in Time, because it has a lot to say about perception, intuitiveness and love. As humans we focus too much on what we can see with the naked eye. We don't always look beyond what is on the outside. If God is love and He looks at the heart, shouldn't we, too?

Another thing I came across is that "like and equal are not the same." I might have one thing in common with a person but that does not mean that we are equal and compatable. I might have several things that are compatable with another person and be totally unlike them in personality, gender, etc. I should not base my decision to love someone based on similarities or to discount them based on dissimilarities. Fear is what causes me to rule someone out as a potential friend or partner.

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith. Letting go of the "what if" and just trusting in the feelings that are there. If my intuition tells me something about a person but they are verbally saying something else I can only surmise that they are just as scared as I am. Change is never easy. To change one's mind, way of doing things, tastes, etc is hard. It requires courage. To decide that I was one thing but now I'm something else also takes courage. To say I once believed this way but now believe this is also difficult. It all boils down to faith.

"Faith is believing in something even when common sense tells you not to."
George Seaton

Perhaps in this case it is faith in love actually existing.

I'm Tryin'

As sung by Trace Adkins

This gettin up early, pulling double shifts,
Gonna make an old man of me long before I ever get rich.
But I'm tryin
It's been two years since we've finalized,
I still ain't used to puttin ex in front of wife.
But I'm tryin.
Send more money right away, is pretty much all she has to say when she
Calls these days and don't you be late

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

I remember daddy sayin keep your eye on the ball, run like hell, play to win,
Get up when you fall
I'm tryin
Don't say nothin that you can't take back
Never do anything you might regret
No don't do that
Daddy I'm tryin
Know the difference between heaven and hell
Go easy on the bottle be hard on yourself
And I know he meant well

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

There's always a mountain in front of me
Seems I'm always climbin and stumblin
And then fallin'
And then climbin'
But I keep on tryin'

This gettin up early pullin double shifts
Gonna make an old man of me
Long before I ever get rich
But I'm tryin'


For some reason that song popped in my mind this morning. I guess it has something to do with me feeling like I've been left behind, like nothing I ever do is right. Kenny says that that is an illusion. That is actually those of us pursuing enlightenment who have left the others behind. Wish I felt that. He could be right. I look at my perpetual calendar this morning and read:

Because there is nothing
you cannot dream,
there is nothing
you cannot do.

Working on my self-confidence and self-trust issues today. I've got a big meeting this afternoon that I feel ill-prepared for. Not sure what is required of me or what to do.

Apparently dreams are to be the theme of the day because this is what I received in my e-mail earlier today:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

If an idea, I reasoned, were really a valuable one, there must be some way of realizing it.
--Elizabeth Blackwell

These words were written by the first woman who earned a medical degree. They're useful to anyone who fears that their most precious dreams are doomed to failure.

If our dreams are valuable ideas, they will be useful goals. If they're childish fantasies, they won't, although those can be fun. It's important to distinguish the ones we can achieve from the ones we can't. The first kind will nourish us, like bread; the others, like candy, won't.

We have a responsibility to those nourishing dreams, because they come from what's best in us. Our responsibility is to live so that the dream might be realized. When dreams become goals, they have a way of calling us forth. Goals organize our lives, so that we may reach them.

***************

I received a letter from Joey yesterday. I don't know. Somehow it takes me back to the dreams I had of having a family of my own. I somehow feel short changed. Yet, I know it was for the best. He treated me so badly. I don't understand why he wants to renew a friendship when he obviously hated me so much. I don't want to renew one with him. I don't think my heart could take another bout with him. But I'm lonely.

I was sitting here thinking about all that and that thought I had last night popped in my head again. I can just see that predator stalking his prey. It makes me want to puke. It's not my business and I'm not going to say anything to either of them but if Kenny should call I'm going to talk about it to him because I think he would understand how I feel. It sounds a lot like the scenerio he painted about George and Rick.

Today was a comedy of errors. I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. I guess I've made my point enough. I think I'm going to shut up about it now. But Jennifer and I sure did get a good laugh out of how well our third wheel interacted with the substitute today. It was like watching two grandparents. It was cute but it was not teaching.

I feel like I'm being left behind. It feel like everyone is moving forward but me. I can't seem to get a handle on what I'm experiencing but I know that it isn't good.

Tonight a thought came to me that I didn't like and I tried to dismiss it but it continued to eat at me. It's none of my business. I should leave it alone but I can see something coming down the pike for two male acquaintances of mine. Nothing good can come from this. They tried it before and it didn't work. It won't work this time either because it is for all the wrong reasons. Like I said it's not my business.

I received a letter from my ex today. I don't want to go back into anything with him. But I've got to say that right now he's the one male I understand. He's being nice to me and I know that nothing good can come from this either but I'm so lonely and it sure feels good to hear that a he cares even if it's a lie.

I feel like crying this morning. If I could crawl back into bed I would. I was in bed before 8:00 last night. I have pinched nerve in my right foot, my knees, back and shoulders were killing me from all the lifting. I've learned that a lift is on order but it can't get here soon enough.

I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone here. The replacement assistant, while a lovely old man, is another body I have to manipulate into action. Bless his heart he's retired after 31 years in the federal government and he's in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He's doing well to put one foot in front of the other to get to where he's going. Jennifer pretty much summed it up when she said that at least he didn't get on her nerves. Rosie, as he likes to be called, is very calm and easy going but he's still a liability.

The substitute nurse reminds me of Phyllis Diller. But I've got to say that old Phyllis has more on the ball. This woman spends most of her time on the telephone with her son, whom she thinks is schzophrenic. Yesterday she couldn't finish giving my wheel chair bound girl her meds because she had to answer the telephone. It's a night mare.

There are no materials in the classroom, at least not to the degree that I'm used to. I can't get anyone to communicate with me about purchase orders. I feel lost. Pay day is on Monday. I'm just barely surviving personally until that day. Dealing with the classroom stuff is just another issue.

I started antidepressants on Sunday but they haven't kicked in yet. I felt more depressed last night than I have in a while. I just wanted to be held and told that everything would be okay. I needed a hug desperately. This morning I'm feeling about the same way and in about 30 minutes I'll be heading out the door for work. Something's got to give.

My perpetual calendar says:

Others can help us
and inspire us,
but ultimately, we have
to climb our own mountain
and go in the direction
of our own horizon.

I know this to be true but even mountain climbers work on the buddy system.

Maybe I've got a buddy system and just didn't know it. Today was better. Or maybe my antidepressants have kicked in or maybe I'm fooling myself altogether.

An Al-Anon friend send me this today:

Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance,
kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw 'G': I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.
'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.'
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.
And I Hope You Dance !

Then I went on-line to find some poetry by Emerson and found this one:

From "NATURE"
I BECOME A TRANSPARENT EYEBALL
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

by: Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crossing a bare common, in snow puddles, at twilight, under a clouded
sky,
without having in my thoughts any occurance of special good fortune, I
have enjoyed a perfect exhilaration.
I am glad to the brink of fear.
In the woodes, too, a man casts off his years, as the snake his slough,
and at what period soever of like is always a child.
In the woods is perpetual youth.
Within these plantations of God, a decorum and sanctity reign, a
perennial festival is dressed, and the guest sees not how he should tire of them
in a thousand years.
In the woods, we return to reason and faith.
There I feel that nothing can befall me in life,- no disgrace, no calamity
(leaving my eyes), which nature cannot repair.
Standing on the bare ground,- my head bathed by the blithe air and
uplifted into infinite space,- all mean egotism vanishes.

I become a transparent eyeball;
I am nothing;
I see all;
the currents of the Universal being circulate through me;
I am part or parcel of God.
The name of the nearest friend sounds then foreign and accidental: to be
brothers, to be aquaintances, master or servant, is then a triffle and
a disturbance.
I am the lover of uncontained and immortal beauty.
In the wilderness, I find something more dear and connate than in the
streets or villages.
In the tranquil landscape, and especally in the distant line of the
horizon, man beholds somewhat as beautiful as his own nature.

Maybe no one
promised you a rose garden,
but that doesn't mean
you should stand by and let
the weeds take over.

That's what my perpetual calendar says this morning. I guess I could translate that into, "Life's not fair, get over it!" or a flower by any name would be just as sweet.

Last night Elyce asked me when school started back. When I told her we were already in session she congratulated me on having made it through the summer. I hadn't really looked at it like that. But she's right. I did make it through by the grace of God. I went to bed right after our phone conversation. I was in bed by 8:30. There just didn't seem to be any reason to remain up. I miss having people to talk to. No one calls unless they want to vent or they need something. I'd love to have a conversation with someone just to pass the time of day. But more than anything I'd like to have a conversation that I didn't have to initiate. I get tired of being the one to pick up the phone and call every time.

This morning I'm nursing some pretty sore muscles. My shoulders and back ache but it's not from lifting the little wheelchair bound girl. It's from having to wrestle with an out of control pre-teen girl with Down's Syndrome. It happens every day at the same time. She puts on a show for those picking up children in the afternoon. Yesterday it seemed to begin earlier.

Well, I learned that the replacement assistant is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. The substitute nurse stays on the telphone most of the day and she is about as helpful as a squirrel. This is making for an interesting life experience.

I was asked by the new therapist yesterday if I was a leader. I had never thought of myself as one. I'm generally content to be the hard working background person. Suddenly, once again I'm thrust into the lime light and I'm scared. The Albert Camus quote popped into my head and it seems to relate to how I feel.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend"

I don't want to have to lead anyone, especially the support staff in my classroom. I want them to understand what I'm trying to do and jump in. I guess I'm wishing that Vicki was here. But this may be an opportunity for me to work on my communication skills. Apparently they suck.

Drew names for the secret pal thing today. I drew a teacher that shares my same birthday. That seemed like synchronicity to me. We'll see what happens.

I have a secret admirer. The person left something in my mail box yesterday. Not sure who it is. Could just be someone on the Sunshine committee. But I think it might be Sam.

I'm not sleeping well at night. I don't know if it's the naps I sometimes have to take in order to feel better or if it's the worrying. I'm a bit anxious about today. I'm sure the out going assistant is going to have problems with her transfer but it has nothing to do with me. I was not the one who started the discention. I'm also a little concerned about how a new schedule and yet another new person will affect the children. That was one of the reasons I did not ask for a substitute for today for the lifting. I'm seriously thinking about cancelling the sub for the rest of the week. It may wind up being a mistake but it's my back- no one else's is being hurt. I began to have a little concern about bills again, too. I have no way of knowing how much this first paycheck will be and I'm behind in everything. I won't have any money left when it's all said and done.

Got to turn this all over to God or I won't make it through the day. Thankfully, I have a therapy session this afternoon.

Meeting last night was pretty good. It was just Mark and me. I think that's the most he's ever talked. Bless his heart. He is miserable. Hate to say it but it did me some good to hear that I'm not the only one struggling with life. So often we aren't "real" in these meetings.

School went well up until about the last hour when our drama queen began to perform for the people arriving to pick up children. New assistant in place. He seems out of his element but he's good with the children. He's very patient.

Therapy went okay but I learned that come September I'll no longer have my therapist. I'm being rerouted to a group with another therapist. That kind of sucks but it might be good for me.

My therapist told me I need to be a little more assertive to get my needs met. If I'm lonely I need to tell friends that I'd appreciate a phone call about once a week or an e-mail to say, "Hi, how are you?" As it stands right now, my phone only rings when someone wants something from me. I get lonely sometimes and would just like to hear a friendly voice on the other end.

This song began going through my head just now:

Heart Don't Fall Now

As sung by Sawyer Brown

Here she(he) comes again, but me and you
We're gonna close the door
We won't her (him) in, we're not gonna do it, like we've done before
Stay here with me, keep a steady beat
But not to loud, she (he) might be listening

Chorus
Oh heart, don't fall now
If you do I might never bring you back around
Heart take it slow, don't let her (him) know
Just how much we really need her (him) now
Heart, don't fall now

She (He) can break me down but she (he)won't get through
If you'll be on your guard, when she (he) reaches out
Oh, I'm counting on you, not to fall apart
Here comes that touch
We've been missing for such a long, long time
I feel you giving in

Chorus

You'll pull it off some how
This can be our finest hour
Ah, heart without you
I might not get through it
Don't know if I can do it

Repeat Chorus Three Times

Wow! My cup runneth over. That about sums up how I feel about the out pouring of generosity at my new home church. Last week while I was at home nursing a back injury, the deacon had placed my list of odds and end materials in the church bulletin. This week my truck was filled with items.

I am now the owner of 2 aquariums. I'm thinking one will become our terrarium and the other one will actually house some fish. That is two living objects in our classroom that we can record progress about for science projects. The older man who sits with me at church actually donated one of the aquariums. I was so surprised. I think he's taken me under his wing.

I don't think I'll be needing any containers any time soon. I'm now overflowing with coffee cans and some ice cream containers. And the shoe boxes! I really never expected to get very many. I now have enough to make two or three art projects. I also have a few paper towel holders that I can make literary props with. I feel mighty blessed.

Magazines were an item I knew I'd get. But I expected ladies' magazines. I hit pay dirt. My sponsor gave me issues of Popular Science which had a ton of things for the conversation cards I've been making. Today I received Missouri Conservationist. I have several years worth of back issues. They are full of animals and plants. I was blessed.

Some wonderful person even rounded me up some marbles, which was one of the last things on my list I expected to receive. With a few more paper towel holders I think we can make a science project with those to show motion and kinestetic energy. I'm so pleased.

Creative juices are beginning to flow again. This may be what I needed. Something to keep me occupied and busy. When pay day rolls around I'm going to go check out the teacher center at the college. I know there are some things in there that I can run off for my file games. There might also be some ideas for more learning centers.

I took my medication for the first time this morning. I did have the side effect of a mild headache like the doctor said I would but hopefully the anxiety he spoke of will not be one of my side effects.

I went by my classroom after mass. This makes two days I've worked in my room. I wasn't the only one working at the school today. The one person I never thought I'd make friends with stopped by my room to let me know that she was in the building, too. I'm not sure I deactivated the alarm properly. I kept hearing a beeping noise after the other teacher came in but maybe that was due to something she was doing. I did tell her about the police riding through right before she got there. She said they had come through last Sunday, too. There have been some problems with the alarm. Made me a little nervous, so I came home a little earlier than I had expected to.

Hopefully I'll get my ID this week so that I can use it for the upcoming foot ball game. Teachers get in free. That's a good thing because I don't get paid until next Monday. I'll probably go by myself. I'm getting used to my own company. My brother would probably go with me if I were to ask him but he'd have to pay his own way in.

I think I've finally figured out why I was given the opportunity to work at this new school as opposed to one of the others. God winked at me today as I read the book that the principal had assigned each of us to read. But the psychiatrist also drew my attention to a time in life when I was truly happy and felt pretty good about myself. He had read the notes from my previous therapist and noted that I had been in the running for Teacher of the Year at my old school 2 years in a row. I lost by only one vote- my own. I voted for the teacher I was tied with.

And okay the OCD in me is coming out because I went on-line to find more synchronicity than what had already occurred as I read the book, "Fish!", that we were assigned to read. I found it, too. Wow! The transcendentalist, Ralph Waldo Emerson, that I'd been reading up on last night and this morning after hearing him mentioned on Dawson's Creek, popped up in the on-line research and the statement about "when the student is ready the teacher will appear" that I often quote from my Al-Anon book appeared in "Fish!" as did some other authors I'd read. So here's what I came up with:

Fish! Philosophy

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Unit 1: It Starts with Me
The secret to outstanding leadership is not in what you convince others to do for you, but what you inspire them to do through your example.

How can I use this key ingredient?

Well, first I’m reminded of the Al-Anon preamble, "Let It Begin With Me". If I set the example in the classroom for my assistants to follow we will begin to have unity.

The thought of unity sends me to Tradition One.
Tradition One spells out the basic purpose of unity- to accomplish the greatest good for the greatest number. The idea is that many can accomplish together what one alone can not.
Hope for Today, p. 203.

I’m also reminded of Concept Four, “Participation is the key to harmony.”
Miracles happen in Al-Anon, but they don’t happen by magic. Individual participation, “the key to harmony” according to Concept Four, is the behavior that makes the miracles happen. The God of my understanding wants me to act on faith, God helps me create miracles for myself and assist others in creating their own.
Hope for Today, p. 101.


Unit 2: Be There
People may admire your talent, charisma and business skill, but they will not really trust you until you make time to be present for them—emotionally as well as physically.


How does this ingredient apply to me personally?

Well, I’m looking at that word trust and that reminds me that I, like Mary Jane, in the book have lost my edge. I no longer trust myself. I second guess myself a lot because I’ve lost confidence in myself.

That in turn reminds me of what I read from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay, Self-Reliance- “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connexion of events.” If I can’t trust myself, why should anyone else trust me?

Strategies

 Talk to them, not at them.
 Listen to what they have to say. Repeat it back until you understand what they are saying.
 Do not assume to know what has gone on at home. Ask questions if information is needed.
 Empathize with the parents.
 Make the consequence fit the infraction. Example: A fit that lasts five minutes does not warrant taking several privileges. It only warrants loss of an activity for 5 minutes.

Courtesy, respect, attention, affection, communication- my list of the areas in which I felt my loved one had let me down went on and on.
My sponsor applauded my honesty and then suggested that I could bring all the things on my list into my life. The catch: I had to give what I wanted to receive and become what I wanted to attract.
Courage to Change, p. 109.

Unit 3: Play
You can’t just order creativity like a lunch special or instill happiness through a program. To enjoy the many business and human benefits of Play, you need to nurture an environment full of trust and respect, and free of fear.

Anticipating enjoyment is a good way to begin my day.
Hope for Today, 143.

An important part of the serious business of recovery involves recognizing our need to have fun- to take a trip, fly a kite, attend a concert, make noise, race down the street, or blow bubbles. Light heartedness can put troublesome situations into perspective. It reminds us that there is more to life than the problem at hand.
Taking ourselves too seriously won’t solve a problem any quicker. In fact, taking a break may help more than continuing to struggle- even Jello must be left alone in order to form as it should. A good laugh may be the best tool available to help us let go, and we’ll come back to our task refreshed.
Courage to Change, p. 91.

A good chuckle or an engrossing activity can lift my spirits and cleanse my mind. If will refresh myself by adding some lightness to this day.
Courage to Change, p. 323.

In what way can this ingredient work for the CDC room?

A few years back when I was working in the CDC room at my old school I was sent to an autism seminar put on by the autism experts from North Carolina. We learned a very simple philosophy and a slogan. “Work is play, play is work.” At first, we were appalled at the idea. You do not come to school to play. You come to learn. But we discovered that our children did learn best by “playing” at their work. We were a very happy room. We soon became the classroom that the other kids wanted to come into for reverse inclusion. Our attitude rubbed off on others, too.

In the book, Fish!, the group that worked on the play ingredient for their department came up with a list of benefits:

 Happy people treat others well.
 Fun leads to creativity.
 The time passes quickly.
 Having a good time is healthy.
 Work becomes a reward and not just a way to rewards.

Jennifer noted that the kids seemed like robots. We both noticed that the previous staff seemed to have taken all of the fun out of learning except for the occasional time the teacher engaged them before time to go home. We also noted the lack of materials in the classroom. If we inserted a little more creative fun throughout the day our behavior problems might also decline.

So, in what ways can we implement play in the CDC room? We go back to what I know works- Work is play, play is work. We also take some of the suggestions that were in the book to heart. We add more color to the room to make the environment more interesting. We play with the kids and not merely entertain them. We add a little more life to the room with a terrarium and some science experiments involving living things. We do a few creative projects- art, science experiments, etc.

Unit 4: Make Their Day
One of the best ways for a leader to make someone’s day—or month, or year, or life—is simply to value them. Simple gestures, such as appreciation and giving people a voice, fulfill emotional needs too often ignored on the job.

How can this ingredient work in the CDC room?

 We give them a variety of activities that they can be successful at.
 We challenge them.
 We reward them for their efforts with things that they enjoy, not things we would like to see them do.

It’s amazing how my attitude toward others tends to return to me like a basketball rebounding off a backboard. My impatience with other people often generates even more impatience with myself and my world. When I am unkind to someone, I get defensive and expect others to be unkind to me. Likewise, when I accept someone unconditionally, I find that my whole world feels safer.
So it’s in my best interest to treat others as I wish to be treated. I try to imagine that my words and actions are being addressed to myself, because in the long run I generally get back what I give out.
Courage to Change, p. 302.

This day I will concentrate on the inner meaning of the Commandment, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” I will accept myself, for that is the primary condition under which the good in me can grow. Unless I am at peace with the child of God I am, I cannot love and help my neighbor.
One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 5.


Unit 5: Choose Your Attitude
As a leader, your attitudes have a powerful effect on the people who work around you. What impact do you want to have on others? You—and you alone—get to choose the attitude that will achieve that impact.

How will this work for me personally?

This puts me in mind of The Four Agreements. My Al-Anon sponsor gave them to me a few months ago and I have them taped to my wall above my computer. I refer to them daily and I have passed them along to others.

1. Be impeccable in your words. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean.
2. Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is them.
3. Don’t make any assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and express yourself clearly.
4. Always do your best. Your best will change from moment to moment. Do your best, you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

This is also where we need to learn to ask ourselves, “How important is it?” I can choose my battles.

“First Things First” helps us make more workable choices and to live with the choices we make.
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, p. 69.

Life is as good as I think it to be.
Hope for Today, p. 81.

Al-Anon has led me to see that I have choices, especially about my attitudes. I don’t have to see my life as a tragedy or torment myself with past mistakes or future worries. Today can be the focus of my life. It is filled with interesting activities if I allow myself to see it with a spirit of wonder. When my worries and sorrows cloak me, the laughter and sunshine of the everyday world seem inappropriate to the way I feel. Who is out of sync- the rest of the world or me?
Courage to Change, p. 195.


Unit 6: Find IT, Live IT, Coach IT
How can you live and lead more purposefully, so you are affected less by what happens around you and guided more by who you want to be? It starts by defining your purpose (Find IT), taking action (Live IT) and asking others to help you be the person you say you want to be (Coach IT).

Why are we at here? (Find it)

Now I could look to my mysticism research to answer that one but I won't.

What actions do we need to take to fulfill our purpose? (Live it)

If I’m not walking the walk, there is little need in talking the talk- that is, if I am not demonstrating recovery in my life to the best of my ability, then talking about the program may be nothing more than a substitute for living it.
Courage to Change, p. 344.

How can we fulfill our purpose? (Coach it)
Together we can accomplish what we cannot do alone.
Hope for Today, p. 66.

“Let It Begin with Me” reminds me that no one is a mind reader. If I want or need something, I have to let someone know. I need to ask, which means taking risks. Maybe my request will be granted; maybe it won’t. If it is, great. If it isn’t, I’ll still feel better for having asked, and then I can move on to someone else who might be able to help me.
Hope for Today, p. 201.

I also wanted to make mention of my trip to the psychiatrist. He has diagnosed me as being unipolar (depressed) and I've been given a prescription for anti-depressants. It helped that the doctor knew my family. He could easily see what was going on with me and pointed out a pattern. Every two years I wind up in therapy because I've tried to tackle all of this on my own. I was placed on antidepressants back in 2001, Joey and I were in marriage counseling in 2003 but I later went on my own, 2005 I was in therapy due to Al-Anon issues and here I am back in 2007. This is the worst bout with depression that I've ever had. One thing that I am so grateful for with these Centerstone people is that they recognize my tendency to isolate myself. Why is it no one else recognized that?

Thursday night as I spoke with Mark I recognized a lot of myself in him and I finally realized why he feels comfortable talking to me. He sees himself in me. I don't know about this sponsorship stuff though. I can't see where any good would come of me sponsoring him. I'm not batting a thousand as a sponsor.

Currently wishing that I was on a date right now rather than pondering my life. I get very tired of being alone.

Dawson's Creek strikes again. I watched an episode today and I could totally identify with Jen Lindley. The part of the outsider really is the part I play the best but I saw a little of me in Andie McFee today, too.

Friendships aren't really working out. I don't feel as if I have any friends. Jen had very few friends. She walked into Capeside and became the 4th wheel to the whole Pacey, Joey, Dawson triangle until Andie and Jack moved to town. Jack, who was struggling with his sexuality, became Jen's best friend. He gravitated to her because she had a past and was the most open minded. Andie became the group's mascot. She was the neurotic one, the basket case, the OCD perfectionist. She was harder on herself than anyone ever could be and these four- Pacey, Joey, Dawson and, yes, Jen- understood her need to be loved and accepted for who she was, neurosis and all.

The DVDs I am watching show their senior year of high school. Someone from Jen's past has breezed into town just as she has almost put her past behind her. And her world turns upside down but in the end she gets the therapy she needs. She's being made to address some skeletons in her closet. Oddly enough it is Andie's experience with psychiatrists that has paved the way for Jen but it is the bad boy from her past that served as the catalyst.

Jen becomes ostracized by her best friend, Jack, who is giving her the silent treatment. Sounds familiar. Andie is watching her makeshift family of friends be at each other's throats and die. Sounds very familiar, too.

And that's just one part of my life these days.

School is a little chaotic. It will eventually iron itself out. I'm getting to know my assistants and the kids. They are getting to know me. I'm learning how this county operates. I'm learning how to relate to different staff people. The nurse and I will be off kilter for a little while but I feel that we can be direct with each other. Before it's all over I believe she will step down. I don't think she knew what she was getting into when she took this job and it has nothing to do with me.

I've already had a few anxious moments. The nurse's attitude toward my students amazes me. She is ready to ignore the law and dump all of the medication and feeding responsibilities of one of the wheel chair students in my lap. I am very uncomfortable with that and I've told her directly how I feel. I actually had a nonviolent confrontation. I'm rather proud of myself over that. I had the distinct displeasure of the returning assistant going behind my back with a complaint to the principal on just the second day of us working together. I learned today that she asked for a transfer out of my classroom. I'd already figured that one out. What surprised me was the principal's reaction. She'd already anticipated this before school started.

I really like the principal. She has a lot of moxy. Did I spell that correctly? I feel like I've finally come full circle with this one. It will be okay. Now if I can just get enough materials in that classroom and get these kids under control. I'm like Jennifer, they've had too much robotic training. I think if we can get some fun up in that room the sky's the limit!

Biological family causing problems. I feel very disconnected. It's almost like I have no family at all any more. I've been accused of turning my back on them while trying to pursue a life of my own. I voiced that to some recovery buddies. Wow, did I get a reaction out of Kenny! Finally someone who understands the anger and resentment that I feel. Then Linda weighed in. She understands the hurt feelings and the guilt that I carry. But then, they are both children of alcoholic parents. They grew up with similiar situations. I sometimes think I need to be in a group for adult children of alcholics.

Then there's Mark. He is the one person in my home group who I can identify with in that aspect and he showed up for the meeting last night. Apparently there are only a few of us he is comfortable talking to- Kathy and me. Last night he came to hear Jerry speak. He lingered for the first time after the meeting to visit. He needed talk time so I sat with him. My sponsor joined us. Sometimes wish he weren't married. But he is and that is a definite boundary. But he wouldn't be someone I'd hook up with. He's not my type. He's a little too isolating. But as a friend I think he'd be okay.

As far as my personal life goes- I don't have one. Wish I did. I could use friends. I'm waiting until payday. The weekend afterward I'm going to Huntsville to spend time with my sista in the program, Linda. I'm going to help her get in touch with her roots. We'll be researching in the genealogy department of the Huntsville Public Library. It's part of her 4th Step. I love Linda. She is trully the sister I never had. But I'd like to have someone closer to home to hang out with. No one seems to want to hang out with me. Apparently I have the plague because I've been very depressed lately. Makes me feel worse than I already did, but maybe all of that will change. I am beginning to make a few friends where I work and around church.

I feel pretty insignificant these days. It's like my best isn't good enough. Yesterday was a banner day. That assistant that returned to this classroom just isn't going to allow me to be myself. I can't do all that Mr. P did. His teaching style and mine aren't the same. It does not mean that he was better than me or that I am better than him. It just means that we are different. If she'd just give me a chance to get a rhythm going I think it will all work out.

But, see, it just gives me one more person that I'm trying to please. I can't go through that again. I want to be able to be myself.

This morning I look at my perpetual calendar and it says:

"Stop trying to control life...
and let it be."

I think that's what I should tell this woman. These are children. It's not wise to try to control every little detail of their personality. We can still allow them to be children. Yes, there needs to be discipline in the classroom but there also needs to be laughter and fun. Learning is supposed to be fun and exciting. I think I'm about to go back to that train of thought that I was exposed to 8 years ago-"Work is play, play is work." They'll learn so much more.

One of my students kept asking me about the tin man today. I don't know why he was fixated on that character. A song popped into my head and I had to look up the lyrics. It dawned on me that maybe I am the tin man because a few people feel that I have no heart rather than Dorothy who is merely lost. I am not heartless. I do care about people but I've learned that I can't change anyone but myself. I will certainly tell you that my new school has me thinking about the Wizard of Oz and I clearly told a student yesterday, "We're not in Kansas any more, Toto."

Tin Man

As sung by America

Sometimes late when things are real
And people share the gift of gab between themselves
Some are quick to take the bait
And catch the perfect prize that waits among the shelves

But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn't, didn't already have
And Cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of Sir Galahad.

So please believe in me
When I say I'm spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stain bright color
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsuds green like bubbles

Oh, Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn't, didn't already have
And Cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of Sir Galahad

So please believe in me
When I say I'm spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stain bright color
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsuds green like bubbles

No, Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn't, didn't already have
And Cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of Sir Galahad

So please believe in me

Perpetual calendar strikes again! I was thinking about all these changes that are occurring in my life and that old companion, Fear, had crept up on me again. I could feel another old companion, Anger, rearing his ugly head again, too. Then, came that twin of his, Depression. If I'd were an alcoholic or an addict I'd have really tied one on last night. But I'm addicted to sugar and being a diabetic I did just as much harm as if I were an alcoholic or addict. I over did it with the sugar last night. So, it's ironic that my perpetual calendar says what it does.

It's always scary
to do something
we've never done before,
but just remember...
at one time in our lives,
chocolate was an unknown!

After I over did it with the sugar I attempted to call my sponsor. She wasn't home. I attempted to call two other Al-Anon members- they weren't home. I wound up talking to Vicki, and then Mac. Yes, he's tenatively back in the picture. I think I got just as much out of my conversation with Mac as I did Vicki before Elyce called back again.

The bottom line is that I feel trapped because once again I feel the need to prove myself to that assistant and basically to others in the school. They haven't even given me a chance to settle in before they began telling me Mr. P did this and Mr. P did that. How unfair! I'm not Mr. P. I'm Yolanda. So, I'm going to enliste Jennifer's help. We're going to beat them at their own game.

I'm working on a lot of issues today. First, I feel claustrophobic and confined in my new classroom. The only staff member returning to the classroom felt like a Godsend but I'm beginning to see her as a hinderence. It's not that I am afraid to change or, in this case, opposed to change. In this case, I feel as if the ghost of the previous teacher is still haunting the classroom. I have to look at what the Serenity Prayer says. What can I change about this situation? I can change how the class is run in a few ways here and there and I can change my attitude about the things that the previous teacher did. If it's not broke, I don't need to fix it. I need to work on my attitude. I can stop judging the previous teacher as anal rententive and full of OCD behavior and accept what he had in place. If I see things that I can change like the kind of activities that we do to expand what is already in place, I can ease in to them.

Second, I am having to adjust to a new school system. They don't do things like they I'm used to. The specialists- the PT, OT, speech teacher, etc. are not hired in by the county. They are contracted through NHC. I'm told we won't be seeing much of them. That pisses me off. My kids deserve to have services. It's not enough to have the services down on paper. I'd like to see actual bodies show up in the classroom at a specified time in the time that is required. It's a faulty system but it's the only system we've got. What can I change here? I can wait and see if the information I've been given is correct before I pass judgment or get angry. If the things I've been told are correct, I can continue my plan to make activities that will meet those goals and order materials for these children.

Third, I do not trust people. It's mostly men I have an issue with but there are a few women in the mix that I have a lack of trust for, too. My issue with men is that they are not honest. I don't believe they can be faithful to just one person. I don't believe that they can be trusted period. Once again I'm exercising that huge muscle of mine called passing judgment and I'm basing it on the actions of my exhusband. I also have no trust for a few women that I know. Their behavior in the past year has left me to believe that they are underhanded and backstabbers. Now the sad part to all that is that if I see it in them, I must have the same faults to a certain extent or it would not bother me so much. What can I change? Well, I can begin by allowing each male I come into contact with to be themselves without comparing them to Joey. Until they do something to prove that they are untrustworthy I should not assume that that is the case. In the case of the women, I can accept that they are who they are and examine my own actions.

The topic for my on-line Al-Anon group this week is "Life changes as recovery begins." This is my share:

I was thinking about this topic and at first I thought I had nothing to share. The alcoholic that brought me into the program wound up relapsing and in prison. I hear he's working a progam from there now. Who knows? Maybe it will work for him this time. Anyway I guess when I read the topic yesterday I thought we were supposed to share about life changing from the stand point of our alcoholic working a program of recovery. But that didn't make sense because the newcomer's welcome told me that I was not in Al-Anon for the alcoholic but because of the alcoholic.

So I thought about the word recovery. What am I recovering? Myself. How did life begin to change as I recovered myself? First I thought about something I heard in a movie once that might apply to how I felt at the beginning. It's a classic line from As Good as it Gets. Jack Nicholson comes out of the psychiatrist office after trying to worm his way into a session without an appointment. He stops short in the waiting room and looks at the people there and says, "What if this is as good as it gets?" He's made what he calls minor changes but in terms of how it affects him in the movie the changes are monumental. That's the way it was for me at the beginning. I made those minor changes and wondered if I was doing something wrong. I did not see the change in me as quickly as others did.

Yesterday I was feeling a little disconnected with how my life was going. For just the briefest of moments I missed my alcoholic. I was focused on what might have been rather than what was. Then my Higher Power reminded me what it was like in that dark forest. Thinking about what might have been or the what if of it all was how I lost myself in the first place. I learned that I could not change him or the situation but I could change how I reacted to it. I began to focus on what I had rather than what I didn't have. Gratitude changed my attitude.

Now I guess I think in terms of a Barry Manilow song. His song, All the Time, speaks about wasted time. The line I hear this morning in my head is "...to think I had it all, all the time..." When I lost myself I could not see the forest for the one tree. I could not see all the wonderful things that were around me because I was so focused on the problem. I could not see that I had it all. I wanted what I didn't have with my alcoholic. I could not be content unless he was. I didn't understand that part in our closing that says that we "can find happiness and contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not..." It took a long time to see that happiness and contentment began with me. It did not hinge on him at all. To think I had it all inside of me all the time.


All the Time

As sung by Barry Manilow

All the time I thought there's only me
Crazy in a way that no one else could be
I would have given everything I own
If someone would have said "you're not alone"

All the time I thought that I was wrong
Wanting to believe but needing to belong
If I'd've just believed in all I had
If someone would have said "you're not so bad"

CHORUS
All the time, all the wasted time
All the years waiting for a sign
To think I had it all
All the time

All the time I thought there's only me
Crazy in a way that no one else could be
I can't believe that you were somewhere, too
Thinking all the time there's only you

CHORUS


Touch down Tennessee! My friend isn't going to do any jail or prison time. He's got probation! I am so relieved. It bothered me tremendously to see such a gentle, loving man have to pay the rest of his life for what amounted to an accident. Now, if he can only forgive himself, he can start truly living again.

I used to be a big fan of the teenage soap opera Dawson Creek that came on WB. It's in syndication now and I hardly ever get to see it any more. I own the DVDs for season 1, 4 and the final episode.

What's amazing to me is that while I am 42 years old I can put in one of the episodes and find some way to relate the events to myself. I totally understand Pacey's feelings toward his family. I am the black sheep. I can also identify with Joey, so insecure about her feelings-the crush she has that won't seem to go away, but not quite understanding where it comes from either. Her need for perfection just so that she can be given a break is also something I comprehend. And Dawson, oh, my goodness, could he be more analytical. He analyzes things in order to understand but it's more than that; it gives him control. Analyzing things is one of my chief character defects. Then there's Jen. Bless her heart. She's the perpetual newcomer, never quite feeling like she fits in. That's me, too. And then along comes Jack in the later episodes. Jack struggled with his sexuality until he had to admit he was gay. While I don't think I'm gay I do struggle with that part of myselfhood (is that a word?). So, yeah, I totally identify with the teenage characters of Dawson Creek.

Since I haven't had cable for some time, I've resorted to watching a lot of my videos and DVDs. The last few nights I've watched episodes from the first season of Dawson Creek. I had always loved that song that Katie Holmes sang in the beauty pageant. On My Own is one of the prettiest songs from Les Miserables. Then I heard one that was associated with Pacey and sort of told of the same feelings from a teenage boy's perspective- (I Wanna Be Your) Underwear.

I went searching for the lyics for both of them. I can totally identify with the song from Les Miserables. It's about living in a fantasy world or it could also be about missing someone that is gone. The other one, well, I've only felt that way a few times in my life. It's about obsession but it's a fantasy, too. It reminds me of that one line from Ronnie Milsap's song There's No Getting Over Me- "I'll be the book that you just can't put down..." A few times in my life I've been so into someone that I just couldn't get enough of their presence. I don't have to actually be with them in the sexual sense. Just being in their presence is enough for me. I'm just absorbing their aura, I guess, for lack of a better explanation.

When I look back on my very sick relationships, I'd have to say the Les Miserable song is about my ex-husband and me. While he was in prison I lived a fantasy life about how nothing was wrong. I fantasized about him being with me when he was actually behind bars in Tiptonville. It was impossible to live that way when he finally came home. Reality was too up close and personal. We should never have gotten married. It was clear that he did not want to be with me, that I was just someone he used to obtain the drugs and to finance a certain lifestyle. That hurt more than I can ever describe.

On My Own

From Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again,
nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a hope, without a friend,
without a face to say "hello" to.
And now the night is near,
now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
and I can live inside my head.

On my own
pretending he's beside me
All alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
that I'm talking to myself and not to him
and although I know that he is blind
still I say there's a way for us

I love him
but when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river.
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own ...


As to the Bryan Adams song, the closest I ever got to that fantasy was while I was in college. His name was Muhammad Itmaiza. I thought he was absolutely hot! You know the really sad thing about that is that I could have made that fantasy a reality but fear stopped me. I was so afraid that I'd end up like Samantha when she finally connected with Hikmat (John). I have experienced something close to that feeling in recent months but it, too was a fantasy.

(I Wanna Be Your) Underwear

As sung by Bryan Adams

I wanna be your t-shirt when it's wet;
wanna be the shower when you sweat;
I gotta to be the tattoo on your skin;
ya lemme be your bed baby - when you climb in...
I wanna be the sheets when you sleep;
lemme be the secrets that you keep;
I gotta to be the spoon - ta stir your cream;
I wanna to be the one that really makes you scream...

I wanna be - your lipstick - when ya lick it;
I wanna be - your high heels - when ya kick it;
I wanna be - your sweet love babe - ya when you make it;
From your feet up to your hair - more than anything I swear
I wanna be - your underwear

I wanna be the itch that you scratch;
wanna be the chair when you relax;
I got to be your razor when you shave;
wanna be the one that makes ya misbehave...

I wanna be - your hot tub - when you're dippin';
I wanna be - your bathrobe - when you're drippin';
I wanna be - your cocktail baby - when you're sippin';

I just wanna be right there - more than anything I swear
I wanna be - your underwear

Wanna be your sleepin' bag - baby slip inside;
Let me be your motorcycle - n' take ya for a ride - alright
I wanna be - your hot sauce - ya when you're cookin';
I wanna be - your sunglasses - hey good lookin';
I wanna be - wanna be the one - ya stick your hook in';

I just wanna be right there;
more than anything I swear...
Oh ya...
I wanna be - your underwear

I'm not sure why this is important for me to think about or even talk about right now, except that I sort of feel like there's someone about to enter my life soon. I have yet to meet that person at the end of my bizarre dream from a few months ago. Not to sound bad or anything but I think I deserve a little happiness. I don't want to go into anything codependent but I sure would like someone to date. It's been three years since my divorce.

For the briefest of moments today I missed my exhusband. Then I remembered in time what it was like when he was here using drugs and drinking. But just for the shortest amount of time I remembered what he was like when he was sober and I thought about what could have been. Could be I'm lonely.

I've come full circle from where I was this morning. I'm feeling kind of disconnected. My friend Kenny says that means I'm actually living life now. It means at some point I was connected and there in lies the hope. I've even found a song to identify with some of what I've been feeling today thanks to Sounds of Serenity II.

This Too Shall Pass
By Anonymous

First love, first kiss
The sweetest answer to your deepest wish
No fear, no wall
No experience to break you fall
You lose your innocence the day it ends
And swear you'll never take a chance again


Chorus:
But life turns like a wheel
Carries you on out of the pain you feel
In time hope will be found
Come back around
Your broken heart will heal
Never fear the dark clouds on the shadows that they cast
This too shall pass


Tears fall, tears dry
They leave a little of wisdom in your eyes
So you love strong, you love deep
You risk the bitter just to taste the sweet
And when your dreams don't go the way you planned
You won't give up because you'll understand

Chorus

You can't stop your world from changin'
The only thing that stays the same is


Chorus


This too shall pass

I really didn't want to get up this morning. My body still aches from the strain of lifting a child in and out of her wheel chair. But it was more than that, I could think of all the things that needed my attention and how I really didn't want to bother with any of them this morning.

The cats would not let me sleep. They wanted to be fed. They were using my bed as a trampoline, jumping all around me and over me to get me to wake up. They are not much unlike children. I got up, fed them, bathed, dressed and stumbled back into the kitchen to look for something for myself to eat. Groceries are about gone. I lost a lot when the refrigerator went out a few weeks ago. But I think I can make it until Tuesday when my food stamps kick in.

I was waiting on my toast to pop up out of the toaster and I began negatively focusing on all that I do not have and feel that I need. Most of my woes center around lack of money. Pay day is 2 weeks away. I feel like I've literally been living from one significant date (like a pay day) to another. It's like having a prize to aim for.

When I came in here this morning and turned the page on my perpetual calendar I found this:

"If you believe in yourself,
then you can be certain
that many others
will share your belief."

Now, I was just thinking about something along that line as I bathed this morning. I don't think the quote is entirely accurate for me. I've always had someone, mainly my mother, who believed I could do more than I thought myself capable of even as a child. I was left to my own devices, she says, because she knew I could take care of myself. But come on. A child needs to know they are loved and cared for. Sometimes heaping that much responsibility for themselves at an early age creates the opposite effect. I felt unloved. I felt like it was me against the world. I was determined to survive at all costs. I set rigid rules for myself. I became a perfectionist, an analyzer, a "fixer", and a care taker. Part of my depression is that I feel overly responsible for people and situations. I feel as if too much is expected of me. What I thought of as I dressed was that while we may believe in someone's ability, I think it would be wise to tell them why we feel as we do.

It's amazing to me how this synchronicity business works. After I turned over that page on my perpetual calendar I opened my e-mail and found this:

Who you are makes a difference to me...

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.

First, she told each of them how they had made a difference to her, and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon,imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each of the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom, and report to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company, and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon, and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a
class project on recognition, and we'd like for you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person, to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please
report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day, the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket, above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we
want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old son, and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office, and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue
ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine! He thinks I am a creative genius! Then he put a blue ribbon that says, "Who I Am Makes a Difference", on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I do not pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being a mess. Somehow, tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a
difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life.
You're a great kid, and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he could not stop crying His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had took my
life, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just did not think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all."

His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.
The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch, but made sure to let all of his employees know that they made a difference.

The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning, and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life...one being the boss' son.

In addition, the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson, "Who you are DOES make a difference".

You are under no obligation to pass this on to anyone.... not to two people, or to two hundred. As far as I am concerned, you can forget it and move on. On the other hand, if you want, you could send it to all of the people who mean something to you, or send it to the one, two, or three people who mean the most. On the other hand, just smile and know that I think that you are important, or you would not have received this in the first place. Who you are does make a difference, and I wanted you to know that. Isn't this a wonderful story?

I'm passing the blue ribbon to you, for who YOU are does make a difference, too. May GOD BLESS YOU. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about
you today!

A prayer for today:

Lord, Thank you for my friends and family who really do make a difference to me. AMEN


Now I need to explain something to you about the forward I received. It was sent to me by an Al-Anon member that I've never actually met. She was referred to me by the Al-Anon state chair as someone who might be willing to come and tell her story to my home group. She was supposed to come in April but for some reason she cancelled. That she felt I, whom she has never met, made a difference in her life is testimony to what the AFG means. We receive ESH by just being. It's not necessary to ever see a person face-to-face to make a difference.

This reminded me of the movie, "Paid it Forward." I received a "forward" from my the Al-Anon member and I "paid it forward" to several people. First, I sent it to Linda, Mary Jo and Vicki because they helped me a lot this summer. Then, I sent it to Kenny and Elyce who unknowingly saved my life this summer. Then I sent it to Mac for obvious reasons. Then I sent it to my current Al-Anon sponsor and former Al-Anon sponsor. Next I sent it to Mike because for some reason I felt pulled in that direction. Lastly I sent it to Rena, a woman from Israel that I've never actually met in person but who has by asking me to share my program made a difference in my life.

The next e-mail I opened was a share from the on-line Al-Anon group that I am a member of. There was a little story about a couple who had nothing but thanked God for the abundant blessings He had bestowed on them. That made me think. I am richly blessed. I have more than enough. It reminded me that a little gratitude changes everything.