I'm having problems with my computer program that I use to do my paper work on for school. I work on it at school when I can. Then I come home and work on it some more. I'm going in circles here. I've asked for help from a few people and no one seems to know how to fix it. I'm taking the weekend off from it all and going to visit Linda. But I've gotta tell you that this situation is reminscent of what I've experienced all my life. I finally work up enough humility to admit that I need help, I ask for it, and no one helps me. Go figure.

I have a contact for my paper on Donald Davidson and John Crowe Ransom. A retired college English professor out of Pennsylvania has agreed to point me in the right direction. I also have the name of a college professor from Miami University in Oxford, Ohio who has written a book about Davidson. I've found that more was written about Ransom because he was so charismatic. But I think I might like Davidson better.

Assistants have thawed out somewhat. I really don't care. I don't fit in with them and there's no point in trying. They are at a point in their lives that I have left way behind.

Dirt Road

As sung by Sawyer Brown

Daddy worked hard for his dollar
He said some folks don't, but that's o.k.
They won't know which road to follow
Because an easy street might lead you astray

Chorus:
I'll take the dirt road, it's all I know
I've been a'walking it for years
It's gone where I need to go
It ain't easy, it ain't supposed to be
So I'll take my time
And life won't pass me by
'Cause it's right there to find, on the dirt road

I have lived life in the fast lane
You gotta watch your back and look both ways
When it's said and done the time we have is borrowed
You better make real sure you're headed the right way

Chorus x2

On the dirt road

Little snippets of a song kept echoing in my head yesterday. I never could quite catch the chorus. Then about midnight I sat bolt upright in bed and I could clearly hear the chorus. Weird. It was like I needed to remember this song so badly but I didn't know why. I fought the urge to get up and come to the computer to look up the lyrics. But this morning when I finally got awake enough to do anything I did look up the song.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

As sung by Everclear

You'll say, we've got nothing in common,
No common ground to start from,
And we're falling apart,
You'll say, the world has come between us,
Our lives have come between us,
Still I know you just don't care.

And I said, "What about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's?'"
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it."
And I said, "Well that's, the one thing we've got."

I see you, the only one who knew me,
And now your eyes see through me,
I guess I was wrong,
So what now? It's plain to see we're over,
And I hate when things are over,
When so much is left undone.

And I said, "What about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's?'"
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it."
And I said, "Well that's, the one thing we've got."

You'll say, that we've got nothing in common,
No common ground to start from,
And we're falling apart,
You'll say the world has come between us,
Our lives have come between us,
Still I know you just don't care.

And I said, "What about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's?'"
She said, "I think I, remember that film,
And, as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it,"
And I said, "Well that's, the one thing we got."

Oooooo

And I said, "What about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's?'"
She said, "I think I, remember that film,
And, as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it,"
And I said, "Well that's, the one thing we got."

And I said, "What about 'Breakfast at Tiffany's?'"
She said, "I think I, remember that film,
And, as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it,"
And I said, "Well that's, the one thing we got."

I have no idea why the song stuck in my head. But it's got a catchy tune.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
--Pearl S. Buck

No new door is opened without the inner urge for growth. Dreams guide us, encourage us, stretch us to new heights - and leave us momentarily empty when they are dashed.

Recovery has given us resilience and a multitude of reasons for living. We have come to understand that when one dream serves us no longer, it is making way for an even better one. Our dreams are our teachers. When the student is ready, a new one comes into focus.

Dreams in our earlier years often came to naught. They couldn't compete for our attention as effectively as the self-pity. The direction they offered was lost. Each day that we look forward with positive anticipation, we put the wreckage of the past farther from our minds.

Our dreams are like the rest areas on a cross-country trip. They refresh us, help us to gauge the distance we've come, and give us a chance to consider our destination.

Today's dreams and experiences are points on the road map of my life. I won't let them pass unnoticed.
From: Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey

My dream a few years back (I've had so many) was to become an archivist in a museum or to write a book. Well, my first year in recovery I completed part of my family tree book on the Hugheys and I had it published. I have 6 others in the making. No luck on becoming an archivist. I don't have the money to go back to school for the certification. I am, however, pursuing the dream of writing for the historical society. Next year is the bicentennial. I've already submitted one article on tornados and I'm working on an article now about John Crowe Ransom and Donald Davidson. I've got ideas on other people I'd like to write about.

Some of my other dreams have been put on hold due to health and finances. Today I made a step in the right direction as far as my health is concerned. After school I called and scheduled doctor appointments including one for the gastrobypas. It's time to do something about all of my health problems. I've got an appointment for glaucoma tests and new glasses (most likely bifocals), a wellness check up with the gynecologist, an appointment with the podiatrist for diabetic shoes and I'll be getting an appointment with my lung doctor lined up as soon as I can find his phone number.

I really do need an exercise partner but I don't foresee that happening. I'm doing well to have friends to call. I have no day to day friends to do things with right now. I walked away from some pretty unhealthy friendships that used to fill my days with drama. I kind of miss it sometimes. But maybe I have a friendship forming with Darcy. She and I attend church together. She subbed in my room today for Jennifer. Why is it that I get along with the subs but I can't get along with the assistants? Is it me or is it them? I can't decide.

Waiting for the new landlord to make good on his word. I was supposed to get a new refrigerator and my air conditioner fixed. Nothing happened over the weekend or today.

Also waiting of the school psychologist to make good on her promise to do her part in the IEPs so that I could finalize them and print them out. I'm stuck in limbo and one has been red flagged. I've tried all I know to do to fix it. I was going to visit with Dawn Lugart after school today to see what she could tell me but I got sidetracked.

The more I read about John Crowe Ransom and Donald Grady Davidson, the more I am convinced that I was born too late. I should have been among these literary giants. They were both very different in nature and talent. One was the gregarious optimist and the other a silent shadow who could be referred to as a realist. And the cast of characters that they came in contact with! Wow! In some ways I believe they were modern day Don Quixotes. In others I believe that they were ahead of their time.

Hirsh, their catalyst, was a self-proclaimed mystic. But they did have contact with an actual Catholic mystic. Each of the four- Ransom, Davidson, Allen Tate and Robert Penn Warren- knew Thomas Merton. Merton helped Tate convert to Catholicism, I think, and he critiqued one of Ransom's books.

How's this for synchronicity? These are my daily readings from Hazelden and Catholic Digest:


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

It may be those who do most, dream most.
--Stephen Leacock

Where would we be without the dreamers of the world - the ones who took the time to balance on the edge of wonder? Amazing connections, powerful images, and creative ideas come to us in daydreams. They creep in when we least expect them, like sleek cats, and then make their presence known to us with a gentle pounce.

When we give ourselves permission to daydream - to sit for a while and do nothing but be quiet with our thoughts, we give ourselves a precious gift. And who knows, we just might be giving the world a priceless gift, too! Out of the seeds of some of our dreams, great ideas will blossom.

What first step can I take today to make a dream come true?
From: Today’s Gift by Anonymous


Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Sunday, April 27

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.

EMILY KIMBROUGH
American writer, 20th century

So, I've been doing research into John Crowe Ransom, Donald Davidson, Allen Tale and Robert Penn Warren, right? I can tell there's some mystism in there somewhere. And what do I discover? A Jewish mystic by the name of Sydney M. Hirsh. How's that for synchronicity?

Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Friday, April 25

FEAST OF ST. MARK
Do not fear, only believe.

MARK 5:36

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Each day is different and has a surprise in it, like a Cracker Jack box.
--Alpha English

It's interesting to ponder the notion of surprise. Not every one of them is all that welcome. Hearing bad news about a friend or having a special trip we'd been counting on canceled can leave us dismayed and worried, right along with surprised. Seeking solace from others while cultivating a willingness to accept that all things happen for a reason gives us the armor we need to make the best of every situation and disappointment.

It's an interesting image to think of each day as a box of Cracker Jacks. The moments of our lives have been very tasty. Some were sweet, some were a bit salty, and there were always wholly unexpected moments, the surprises that we were ready for even though we may not have imagined as much. We can look forward to the same daily agenda throughout the remaining years.

Does it help to know that there is a divine plan unfolding in our lives? Many of us find comfort in that. All of us can cultivate that belief.

I am ready for my surprise today! It is meant for me at this time.
From: Keepers of the Wisdom by Karen Casey


I just finished watching "Ghost Whisperer". It was about a student who made horror movies called shock therapy. He believed that people needed to face their fears. It's more than synchronicity that my e-quiet moment is about fear. I have a lot of fears. Then I opened my reading from Hazelden and it spoke about surprises.

I remember dreaming about things that would happen to my brother. When we were children the crew cut was very popular for little boys. My brother had one. He was one of those kids with really blonde hair- almost white. I think they used to call them "onion heads". Wow! That's kind of ironic since my nickname from my mother is "onion in the onion patch". Any way I remember dreaming about these huge summo wrestlers who would split my brother from stem to stern. I think it was during the time of our molestation that I had these dreams. I don't really remember. Truthfully I didn't want to remember those days. I just knew that I liked to hide in closets.

Then when I entered into college, two of the kids from my graduating class died. One died of carbon monoxide poisoning. The other was murdered. I remember Cindy West talking about it and saying that the class of '83 was being killed off in alphabetical order. The first one was a Bassham and the second one was a Bradley. I remember dreaming about that when I got home. My last name was Hughey. I rode home from school with a girl whose last name was Fox, one whose last name was Griffin and a guy whose last name was Long. The four of us were at the front of the alphabet. I remember dreaming about something along the line of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only my characters were called "the Let Outs". They were a group of people who had been set loose from a mental ward or they had escaped. I remember having some pretty terrifying dreams. At any rate some others from our class died. Mark Cummins and Gary Duerchek. It's still the beginning of the alphabet. Then two years ago, Marie McGee died. I don't remember her married name.

Death doesn't scare me, dying does. I fear a violent death. There were times I thought I would die at my exhusband's hands. I can remember a few incidents where I would have welcomed death. I guess that makes me - I don't know the right word.

At any rate I faced some of my fears when I told my story the second time. I still have fears. It's not about being alone- I've always been alone. It's not about being unloved. It's apathy that I fear. That's why the silent treatment, or the cold shoulder, or even rejection hurt me so much. What hurts more is to have someone give you attention and then do the other. It's why I'm afraid of being loved or liked. I don't know how to react. I don't know when the other shoe will drop, you see.

I've been working on my muse, amuse, muse project and it's led me to John Crowe Ransom and The Fugitives. That in turn led me to the transcendentalist which puts me right back at the mystics. The basis of mysticism is the greatest gift of all- love. So, I'm wondering how my fear is going to feed into this. It's going to be an interesting journey.

I just wonder if my surprise is going to be that my fears are unfounded. Who knows? Maybe they are.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Prayer is neither black magic nor is it a form of demand note. Prayer is a relationship.
--John Heuss

A conversation requires two parts: talking and listening. When only we are talking, that is a monologue. When someone lectures, we listen. Prayer can be a form of conversation, yet if we examine the way we pray we may find it's a monologue.

We pray to ask for answers or guidance, to express our gratitude, and to bless those we care for. It's wonderful to open up a channel to our Higher Power by beginning the conversation, but unless we allow time to listen we will never really develop a dialogue.

We can begin to change our way of praying. We can limit our requests so we are not listing a series of wishes or demands. We can ask for patience to listen and then allow a few moments to listen. The answers will come to us and our guidance will be given when we are truly ready to receive them. An equal balance of talking and listening will help strengthen our relationship with our Higher Power.

I will pray and then listen, to allow my Higher Power some time to communicate with me.
From: Night Light by Amy E. Dean



For some reason a line from Fried Green Tomatoes pops into my mind. Ruth is telling Iggy about how bad things were in her marriage and how she prayed for her mother to die in peace. I don't remember the exact words. It's more how the actress said it that caught my ear.


I feel like I have an active prayer life. I try very hard to be still enough to hear God's small voice. Sometimes my thoughts are racing and so frantic that I can't catch His voice. Last night was one of those times. I arrived to mass early and sat in the quiet of the sanctuary. I prayed for relief from the anxiety that I was feeling and I asked for forgiveness. It's not that I felt I'd done anything wrong. I felt that I had filled out those evaluations as truthful and honest as I could. I didn't want to cut anyone down. When I attempted to talk to all of them at the last parent/teacher conference date they tuned me out. Nothing really changed except for maybe the relationship between Stephanie and I.

I just wish I had one acquaintance or friend in that school that I could talk to without fear of what I say leaving them. I feel isolated a lot of the time. The truth is that I do have some acquaintances. The subs and the specialists seem to seek me out. There are times that Kim and Jennifer feel left out. They talk over me or interupt with something else. I don't understand it.

The thing is that there is a pecking order in a classroom. The assistant is the grunt worker. I hate to put it that way. They have a thankless job with less pay than they deserve. I've tried to be accommodating and easy going. I've basically let them do whatever they wanted. But when I began to feel put down with the remarks I just couldn't take it any more. I lashed out. A few times it was verbal. I just can't take confrontation. I would like to have a peaceful existence on my job. When does the competition and fighting stop?

I just watched the movie Juno. Cool movie. I totally got the story line. Made me feel Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets when he tells Helen Hunt how special he feels when he's with her. It feels good when I "get" something that eludes others. It used to feel kind of strange, like there was something wrong with me. How was it that I understood something that others did not? I cried as the movie ended.

I got to thinking about what's going on in my classroom. I feel really bad about it. I didn't want to have this happen. I wanted those ladies to come back thinking that they could do something a little different maybe. Instead I'm talked about pretty badly and shunned. It's okay. I've been given the cold shoulder on lots of other occasions. I'm used to being the odd man out. Since when did I ever fit in? It just makes me a little sad. I know I'm where I belong. I also know that these women have much to learn about life that I've already seen. I can't teach it to them. I can't fix their problems. They have to learn on their own just as I did. I just wish it could have been a little easier.

I might have known that there was a full moon last night. It took me the longest time to go to sleep even after taking Tylenol PM.

I've had some really bizarre dreams lately. I dreamed one night that I was with Marian's family but it was a lot larger and it wasn't her house. The paradox was dressed in a gold and black smoking jacket. He was supposed to be dressed like Groucho Marx. I have no idea why that is. Don't ask.

Last night's dream is kind of fuzzy. I don't remember much except that my cats were involved.

I awoke to a nose bleed. I have a sinus infection. Typical for this time of year. Doesn't help that I've got the bedroom window open with a fan in it. What can I say? Hot flashes are a bitch.

I pray that today will go smoothly. My assistants were pretty pissed off at me yesterday. They were reprimanded I'm sure.

Well, here I am 10 hours later and I can tell you that the reception in my room was ice cold. Jennifer apparently did not like being rated anything less than superior. But I've never rated anyone as superior. There is always room for improvement. No one's perfect.

She pretty much treated me like I had the plague. I stuck to Daniel and Taylor because I did have something to prove. I can handle them when someone's not coming behind me and trying to do it for me. I just don't jump on them as soon as the look at me the wrong way. I give them a little leaway.

Kristopher's brother came to school in tears today. I knew the minute DCS called them to set up an appointment that the parents would blame poor Korbin. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. It's hard to be the sibling of a disabled child especially if the parents aren't mature enough to handle it.

It was a long tension filled day. I wanted so much to cry but I was determined to hold it together. I will not let these people get break me. I've been through so much worse.

I had a synchronistic moment this morning when I received my e-quiet moment from the Catholic Digest. It was my old pal, Tom. I guess I need to get back to his books.

Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Wednesday, April 23

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the
reflection of ourselves we find in them.


THOMAS MERTON
American Trappist monk and writer, 20th century


Getting this prompted me to rent The Celestine Prophesies again.

I don't know if it's a sign of things to come but I can't train my cats to use the new litter box. I know. I know. That's funny. It's not if you're having to clean it out of the carpet.

It was a rough day today. I thought my assistants had already gone in to get their evaluations from the principal but they went today. Jennifer was pissed off. She didn't like hearing the truth- she's too controlling. I almost feel like she's competing with me. Why? It's not brain surgery. Life doesn't depend on it. It's a special education classroom. Things do not have to be perfect. I'm not sure what Kim was feeling but she did begin to distance herself from Jennifer.

I'll tell you there are times when they are talking that it feels like the rest of us are invisible. I can't identify with their way of life. Each of them has family to call when things go wrong. I have no one. Each of them is married to fairly good guys. They've been with them since they were teenagers. They both have kids about the same age. Gag! Hurray for them but what about the rest of us?

And then I listen to them talk about things. I can not identify with their point of view. Like their take on Sam is totally off the mark. I have no interest in him other than friendship. He's off beat I will agree but that's his business. He's happy the way he is - we just have to accept him and go on. I've listened as they've talked about racial couples and how they shouldn't be together. I've listened to their conversation about homosexuals. I've listened to things that I thought I'd never hear come out of the mouth of someone younger than me. I don't say anything but I keep thinking- how is that any of your business?

They spend a lot of time calling their spouses to tell them how much they love them. My God! Are they that insecure? I don't love anyone enough to call them that many times during the day. When I did that with Joey it was because I didn't trust him. Hm... Things may not be so wonderful in Wonderland.

Sometimes I miss Vicki, Lisa and Mary Jo so much that it hurts. Why couldn't I have stayed at HPES?

No one showed for the Al-Anon meeting tonight. I wound up calling Marian to have a phone meeting. I was kidding her about becoming a nun. I don't have what it takes to live a cloistered life. But it's tempting. After the kind of interaction I have with people at work, in the community at large, Al-Anon, etc., I almost wish I could join a convent. It get tiresome trying to see God in everyone I meet when I feel that they spend a lot of time like I used to trying to crowd Him out.

My mother asked me today if I ever thought of remarrying. I don't know. It's doubtful. Unless I could find someone I was compatible with and who challenged me mentally, emotionally and physically, I wouldn't risk it again. I just don't want mediocre any more. I definitely don't want to go into what I had. I don't want to be someone's caretaker. I don't want to worry about where he is, who he's with and what he's doing. I want a relationship built on trust and respect. I'm not looking for my other half. I'm looking for my reflection. I'm trying to become healthier and I want someone who is growing that direction with me. I guess I want the moon and the stars. It's probably an impossible dream but stranger things have been known to happen.

I'm beginning to feel restricted and stifled again. Something's off balance. Not sure what it is but I'm going to pray it straightens itself out.

I feel like I've stepped through the looking glass again. All I can say is that things are getting weird.

Yesterday was the district meeting. I aired my feelings while I was there. Linda will tell you that when I don't feel good I cut straight to the point and say what's on my mind. I did yesterday. Al-Anon will fold if we do not go back to basics.

We're too bogged down in hidden agendas on the state level. I, for one, do not care to go to another state assembly. Marian asked me about it and I just told her that if I went I would be visiting with my friend Judy. I have been invited to stay with her and Tomasina any time I come to Murfreesboro. (I owe Judy a visit. I'd like to see Sharon and Nathan. I haven't seen them in 15 years. They're grown now. Nathan does not approve of his mother's life style and is a very infrequent visitor but Sharon is in and out all the time.)

I spoke of the lack of anonymity at the local level and how that appears to the newcomer coming in. One newcomer can not be in the same building as her alcoholic it would not bode well for her to attend meetings at the Betterway House where he will attend AA meetings. Where is she to go? And what kind of message are we sending about the socialization done there? It appears that no one has a life. They spend most of their day hanging out at the Betterway House. They show up to play cards rather than attend a meeting. It's just plain wrong.

I just told them straight out that I had to totally remove myself from the alcoholic behavior to get better. I had relapsed in that environment. My old character defects were activated. I donned my super woman cape again and just plowed through. I had no idea what I was doing but I was determined to keep the meeting going. I was the only member doing service work and I burned out.

Yes, I talk to AA members from the Betterway House. Two members attend church where I do. We just don't talk about alcoholic topics. Yes, I talk to AA members from other groups and we talk recovery. It's not about controlling or manipulation. It's a healthy discussion. And yes, we have disagreements but it makes our friendship stronger. Neither of us is trying to get one over on the other.

Yesterday I told the paradox that I was glad that he was who he was and he replied by saying, "ditto." To me that is about acceptance and love at its purest level.

Fast forward to today.

I had to call DCS on Kristopher's parents. The principal made the call last week. It was evident that a caseworker had talked to them by the way they behaved in their IEP meeting. You'd think it would have wised them up. But Kristopher came to school with a black eye and bruises on one of his arms. The kid's in a wheel chair and has limited range of motion for Pete's sake. I was not impressed with the caseworker.

Then Laura, the new speech teacher, made the comment at one point today that she thought I was going to get angry at her for not taking Daniel and Taylor at the right time. Geez! I just looked at her and shook my head. I told her that if she had been dealing with the younger version of me I probably would have taken her head off but I'm in recovery now. I don't get bent out of shape about things like that any more. She took them- they got speech time. Who cared when she did it as long as it got done? You know what I mean? It's the end of the year. Who's going to get bent out of shape? Certainly not be with all I've put up with this year.

Then I take Daniel to the cafeteria to get his lunch and I run into Sam. Now Sam is working up the nerve to find out more information about me each time I see him. I'm not interested in him in the slightest. He's not my type. I only view him as a potential friend. I kind of feel sorry for him really. But the dude asks me to marry him while I'm in the lunch line with Daniel. I just laughed. He quickly said something about being on medication and ignoring what he said. I told him that I had not taken him seriously. Who would? I mean really. I know too much about him to take anything he says in that way.

I'm grateful to have peace and quiet when I get home. I have two rag tag cats who haven't figured out the new litter box and that is about all the drama I see. Thank God.

I think God's trying to tell me something. This is what I received in my e-mail this morning from two different sources.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The more you love, the more love you are given to love with.
--Lucien Price

With love comes promises of sentiment as rapturous as fall's splendor of color and as delicate as a crystal of snow. Love empowers us to handle the struggles that bind us, the struggles that stretch us to grow. The familiar sights and muffled sounds of each moment vibrate with greater intensity when we're giving and receiving love.

We're deluded to think the love of others will complete us, so we strive for it; we long for it. But we receive love only when we're unselfishly offering it. It is one of life's wonderful mysteries that we must first give love away if we hope to get it.

Loving another tests our patience, strength, and security. Love spurned is dreaded and perhaps too familiar, but we must risk it once again if we are to find the love we deserve.

The gifts of love are many and guaranteed when the act of love is honest, unselfish, whole, and unconditionally offered.
From: Worthy of Love by Karen Casey




Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Sunday, April 20

Life without love is like a tree
Without blossom and fruit.


KHALIL GIBRAN
Writer, 20th century

My perpetual calendar is speaking to me this morning. It says:

No one can set limits upon us
without our permission!

So true. So true. Here I am needing to do a lot of errands for myself but I'm putting them off until I get Mom's errands out of the way. My excuse is that it's just easier to do it that way. I can start my stuff and keep on going without having to stop to do hers. But it also prevents me from having to hastle with her paranoia. If I am not where she thinks I ought to be she will call the police to come check on me. That makes her more of a Controlzilla than me.


We May Never Pass This Way Again

As sung by Seals and Croft

Life, so they say
Is but a game and they'd let it slip away
Love, like the autumn sun
Should be dyin' but it's only just begun

Like the twilight in the road up ahead
They don't see just where we're goin'
And all the secrets in the universe
Whisper in our ears
All the years that come and go
Take us up, always up


{Refrain}
We may never pass this way again (4x)

Dreams, so they say
Are for the fools and they let 'em drift away
Peace, like the silent dove
Should be flyin' but it's only just begun

Like Columbus in the olden days
We must gather all our courage
Sail our ships out on the open seas
Cast away our fears and
All the years that come and go
Take us up, always up

{Refrain}

So - I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy
I wanna cry when it makes it worthwhile
I may never pass this way again
That's why I want it with you

'Cause you make me feel like I'm more than a friend
Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end
I may never pass this way again
That's why I want it with you, baby

{Refrain}

The e-quiet moment that I get from the Catholic Digest was a quote from Willam Penn. I sent it to my friend the Paradox and he reminded me of this song. Isn't it beautiful?

Round and Round

As sung by Ratt

Out on the streets, that's where we'll meet
You make the night, I always cross the line
Tightened our belts, abuse ourselves
Get in our way, we'll put you on your shelf
Another day, some other way
We're gonna go, but then we'll see you again
I've had enough, we've had enough
Cold in vain, she said

(Pre-chorus)

I knew right from the beginning
That you would end up winnin'
I knew right from the start
You'd put an arrow through my heart

(Chorus)

Round and round
With love we'll find a way just give it time
Round and round
What comes around goes around
I'll tell you why

Dig

Lookin' at you, lookin' at me
The way you move, you know it's easy to see
The neon light's on me tonight
I've got a way, we're gonna prove it tonight
Like Romeo to Juliet
Time and time, I'm gonna make you mine
I've had enough, we've had enough
It's all the same, she said

(Pre-chorus)

(Chorus)

Yeah!

Solo

Out on the streets, that's where we'll meet
You make the night, I always cross the line
Tightened our belts, abuse ourselves
Get in our way, we'll put you on your shelf

(Chorus)

Round and round
With love we'll find a way just give it time, time, time, time
Round and round
What comes around goes around
I'll tell you why, why, why, why
Round and round




Karma- what goes around, comes around

What is kismet?

I remembered the song a few weeks ago when I was talking to the paradox about our new nicknames. Tonight as I look at the words I can't help thinking that it's about a heroin addict. That reminds me of the first conversation that Joey and I had when he got out of prison. He told me then that he was a junkie. He spoke of a lot of scary things at that time.

Gosh, I feel so far removed from the woman that I was then. I don't recognize myself any more. I received a letter from him just a few days ago and he spoke of wanting to call me. I'm thankful that he hasn't. I want to leave those days behind me.

Things are looking up for me at work. Apparently I'm the flavor of the month with in the special ed arena in this county. I really don't like being in this position. I'd rather lay low. But I'm so frustrated with how far behind this county is in special education. I've literally stepped back in time. But I've stepped back in time in reference to the attitudes and preconceived notions of those around me, too. I keep thinking I've stepped through the looking glass.

The special ed supervisor is sending me fresh meat. I've got a teacher coming to visit my room to show her how to set up a CDC classroom and teach her how to do portfolios. What? The principal is also giving me half a day during the summer to educate the teachers in how to do a portfolio. Oh my, God. I'm going to need a lot of prayer for this.

I'm making friends slowly at school. Sometimes I feel like my assistants are competing with me. I can't understand that. Why can't they just go with the flow? Lakale's assistant, Jane, says she's noticed how they react to the kids- especially, Jennifer.

I'm getting to know people at church but I'm still getting wierd vibes from the deacon. Can't read him. He contradicts himself a lot. But he has put me in a slot to do something for the church. I'm helping count the weekly contribution. Next month I become part of their rotation.

I still don't have a friend to do things with. I really miss my recovery buddies. But I was affected by their behavior too much to go back to that. Wish the paradox lived closer or would bend a little bit more. I'm not looking for anything he's unwilling to give. Just would like someone to talk to every once in a while. I used to live on the phone with Mac. I miss that kind of thing.

Roam

As sung by The B-52s

I hear a wind
whistling air
whispering
in my ear

Boy, mercury shootin' through every degree
oh, girl dancin' down those DIRTY and DUSTY trails
take it hip to hip rock it through the wilderness
around the world the trip begins with a kiss

roam if you want to
roam around the world
roam if you want to
without anything but the love we feel

skip the air-strip to the sunset yeah
ride the arrow to the target
take it hip to hip rock it through the wilderness
around the world the trip begins with a kiss

roam if you want to
roam around the world
roam if you want to
without anything but the love we feel

fly the great big sky see the great big sea
kick through continents bustin bounaries
take it hip to hip rock it through the wilderness
around the world the trip begins with a kiss

roam if you want to
roam around the world
roam if you want to
without wings, without wheels
roam if you want to
roam around the world
roam if you want to
without anything but the love we feel




I've been roaming. Having fun. I've had two good days at school and I've been out celebrating. Talk to you later.

The Heart of the Matter

As sung by Don Henley

I got the call today
That I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
and beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess...
Ohh pride and competition
cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
you know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down
to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me...
Forgiveness (yeah)
Forgiveness (baby)
Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness (ahh yeaaahhh)
Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness
Even if, you don't love me anymore...


I'm not sure where one stanza ends and another one begins with this song. I cut and pasted it as is from the website I googled. Huh? That's a lot like codependence isn't it? Kind of synchronistic.

The Hazelden reading this morning was about forgiveness. Then I respond to my sponsor's e-mail about the Al-Anon district meeting and I also forward it to the immovable object- Jane. Jane responds by sending me the Hazelden reading. My response was that I have forgiven the recovery group around the Betterway House but I just don't want to hang out with them. I still hurt from the things that happened. I had begun feeling like I did when I came into the program because of Joey. That's pretty much what I told her. My whole attitude toward Jane is "piss on you" which is not a very Christian attitude to have but very appropriate in regards to her I think. I'm tired of my feelings being ignored or being told that I'm wrong to feel one way or another. They're my feelings and while they might not be based on facts they are still mine.

More synchronicity occurred in that I received a letter from Joey wishing me a happy birthday. Kind of odd really because he never remembered my birthday when we were married. Then the other shoe drops. He's going up for parole in July. He's not parolling out here and he's probably going to make his father mad by what he wants to do but I think he's making a wise decision. He's wanting to parole out to a halfway house. I think that's what he should have done 4 years ago rather than coming here. He claims he's been clean for 3 years now. Not sure I believe him but it doesn't matter. I have not wish to get back involved with him. I no longer play the martyr. I no longer get off on being used and abuse for the sake of a little scrap of affection. Thank God!

The odd thing is that I have more forgiveness and respect for him than these others. Maybe it's because the other is fresher. Or maybe it's because he respected my wish to be left alone. Whatever the reason, I really do forgive him. Now, forgetting is another matter. I no longer replay the situations in my head but once in a while I remember something and I have to call someone to talk. It's usually Linda. At any rate, I'm grateful that he and I are not enemies.

Today we began T-Cap testing at school. I'm reading the whole thing to Lakale and his assistant is the scribe for him. It's a wasted effort. He's totally clueless about what is going on. It made me more determined than ever to recommend that he be put in a portfolio next year rather than be subjected to this madness. His meeting's tomorrow and it will be a very long, drawn out ordeal. We are going to change a few things and his mother will balk. I'm going in prayer over this.

One of my little boys has pneumonia. Cory went home sick today and when his mother took him to see Dr. Haney it wasn't good news. Cory is in the hospital. I figure that Kristopher will be absent tomorrow when his mother learns that we've had this hit the classroom. I don't blame her. His immune system is so fragile.

I am working very hard on my Muse, A Muse, Amuse project. I think I'm going to piece together some of my correspondence that I've saved over this last year to put with it.

Today's thoughts from Hazelden are:

Attitudes and Limitations

What we consider our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses.

Excessive pride in "being able to handle everything," for example, may result in our taking on other people's responsibilities. In "taking over," we often lessen another's desire to meet his or her own obligations.

A boastful "I'll do it myself!" attitude can also mask a desperate feeling of inadequacy. Having a constant drive to prove our worth to others, we may trample on, or ignore, the needs of those around us who are just as eager to exhibit their competency and worth.

What are some other examples of virtues becoming vices?

Determination, to excess, becomes obstinacy and stubbornness. Honesty, when misdirected, is synonymous with gossip and slander. Sympathy and concern, overdone, can cripple and smother.

TODAY I will make a list of ten of my strengths and weaknesses. How has acting on each of these virtues and vices created joy or sorrow in my life? I will be aware that my strengths can be my worst enemies if I abuse them.
From: The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes



I think I learned this lesson the hard way in regards to my family. I crippled them when I did everything for them. Now they are struggling to do things for themselves and I look like the villian because I have stepped out of the picture.



We all Need a Tree

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation... His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied 'I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.'

'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before'

THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON.

God Bless,
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. We all Need a Tree!


I need a lot of prayer for this week. I will be reading the T-CAP test to an autistic child who I am the case manager for but whom I've never worked with and I've got 5 M-teams this week. Plus, the assistants will get the results of their evaluations from the principal. I'm not sure how all of that will turn out. I tried to be as honest as I could but I'm not so sure it will come off that way. It's been a tough year but it's also been a year of growth.

One of the things I've had to rein in are my frustration and disappointment in my assistants. I have never felt comfortable enough to totally trust them. It affects how I communicate with them. In retrospect, I'm learning to keep my personal life to myself and I've also learned to keep anything others tell me under wraps.

I've got some new connections and some potential friends from this job. I've gained the respect of Mrs. Murdock, Missie who is Logan's assistant, Laura the new speech teacher and Dawn Lugart. I don't know what I did to earn it but there you have it. And I think I've found a friend in Sam and maybe Nickie, who also attends church where I do. I think that's great.

Lately I've felt kind of stifled. I don't feel like I have anyone I can be myself around and so I've been isolating myself more and more. I really wish I had a friend I could do things with and could tell my stuff to. I'm thinking I may increase my therapy sessions just to have talk time. I'll be meeting with Melanie next month. I'll run it by her then. It's not that I need the therapy so much as I think I need someone to talk to on an intimate level- to spill my heart to. I haven't had that in a while. Linda and I no longer have it. I lost my trust in her. It's hard to get it back once it's gone.

There are a lot of good things coming up and a lot of scary things. The bankruptcy review is next month I think. I'm hoping I'm off of it for good. I'm also hoping that I can get the pink slip to the black truck so that I can just give it to Gibson Brothers. It hasn't run in two years. But I missed some payments and they may not let me out scot free.

I've got a summer job and some other opportunites coming up. I'm looking forward to so much.

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, dear Yolanda. Happy birthday to me!

Feeling kind of frisky this afternoon. Don't know why. Hoping to hear something inspiring from my inner voice tonight. I've been listening to it all day. I've been shown how far I've come from the valley. Man, am I blessed!

You Gotta Be

As sung by Des'ree

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, heh, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face

Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

I don't know what's blooming out there but my allergies are going haywire! It's making me tired, too. I was in bed by 8:00 last night.

Tomorrow's my birthday. My brother's taking me to one of the local restraunts. Mom's trying to decide what I need most from her. I feel blessed. Normally, the forget my birthday.


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires.
--Rebecca West

Our soul's pure desires, those that harm no one else, are really invitations from God for us to try new activities, to perhaps move along unfamiliar corridors, or tackle challenges that will carry us closer to our destiny. Fulfilling our desires can expand our knowledge of life, but even more, it can strengthen our trust in our Higher Power.

Perhaps our primary goal is to trust more in our Higher Power's presence, loving guidance, and commitment to our growth. Our Higher Power is our most treasured friend and teacher, our most significant other. We'll never be led astray with the guidance offered us for fulfilling our purest desires.

I will ask God for direction and attune myself to my innermost desires today.
From: 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie

There seem to be, in my opinion, a lot of strange things going on. I don't know how it happened but suddenly I've got a fan club at school. How did I go from being this horrible person, according to the outgoing assistant, to being the flavor of the month? I don't know. But I tell you one thing- I don't trust it. People can turn on a dime with their interests. Besides I know I'm just Yolanda. I just do what I know to do and I leave the rest to God.

Okay I've got two good things and one not so good thing to report.

First, I have a summer job. I'll be teaching summer school in my classroom during the month of June. I will still receive a check because I'm a 12 month employee regardless. This is extra money coming in. It will help dig me a little further out of my financial hole. Yay!

Second, I had two newcomers tonight at the Al-Anon meeting. One may come back. I did not have any pamphlets to give out or a meeting schedule but I was able to rattle off the meetings in this area. I totally forgot the one in Spring Hill but I didn't think they'd be willing to drive that far.

Now for my confession. I wrote a check for groceries and gas. It will most likely bounce unless the bank lets me have overdraft protection. I pray that they will. I haven't done anything like this other than on Sunday in a long, long time. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Money went toward getting caught up with or paying off bills. The electric company got a huge amount because I had a water leak. It's been fixed now.

I did my Tuesday Focus on CAL this morning for the Awakenings group. It wasn't the reading I wanted to present but I couldn't find the one on dropping the rope this morning. I found it tonight as I sat in the basement meeting room waiting to see who would show up for Al-Anon. It's in How Al-Anon Works for Friend and Families of Alcoholics, p. 31.

I've been working on IEPs at work and letting the assistants do their jobs. It took most of the day for me to do Lakale's. I thought I'd never finish his. It's not completely done. It's just in rough draft form. I sent a copy of it around for the autism teacher and his trained assistant to look at. I'll fine tune it after Thursday's meeting with them. I need to sew up any loop holes before next week's meeting with mother. I believe I've gotten Daniel and Taylor's finished for the most part. I took all day yesterday and worked on theirs. I've got the finishing touches to do on Corey and Kristopher's.

Then when I get home I'm working on my project. Need some time away from the computer for a while. Guess I'll go watch TV. See ya.

The Constant Lover

By Sir John Suckling
1609-1642
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


OUT upon it, I have loved
Three whole days together!
And am like to love three more,
If it prove fair weather.

Time shall moult away his wings
Ere he shall discover
In the whole wide world again
Such a constant lover.

But the spite on 't is, no praise
Is due at all to me:
Love with me had made no stays,
Had it any been but she.

Had it any been but she,
And that very face,
There had been at least ere this
A dozen dozen in her place.


I've always loved this poem! It reminds me of how fickle love can be. I'm working on my latest project Muse, A Muse, Amuse, Muse and this is one of the poems that will be going into that work. Every year since I've been in recovery, I've worked on some work of art to signify where I feel I am in recovery. The first year was about coming out of the cocoon. That was my butterfly project. The second year was about peeling the onion a little bit. Hence my onion project. The third year was about looking at my tendency to live in a fantasy world. That was Don Quixote. Last year was "What is Love?" because I think I finally learned what it is.

It's odd that I'm at this point because the paradox and I have been talking about the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He compares the power of the ring to addiction and speaks of the relationship between Frodo and Sam. I see all of that but I also saw the relationship between Merry and Pippin. And how about the relationship between the elf and the dwarf?

The paradox compared himself to Smeogel. In response I thought of myself as one of the elf women but now that I think about it I'm more that lady of Rohan or Sam. I've been in their shoes before. I've had my heart set on a man just like the lady did on Argon but I've also had a serious bond with someone who had an addiction. Yeah, I know those shoes.

Have you ever done the wrong thing for the right reason and justified your actions? I have. I did so last night. I won't tell you what I did. It's not monumental. On a scale of 1-10, it's probably a 2. But wrong is wrong and right is right. Or is it?

I remember telling little white lies to avoid confrontation. I remember paying for things myself rather than asking the person responsible for a bill to do so, for example. I justified it by saying it doesn't matter who pays the bill as long as it gets paid. It was still a lie to the collector. Or how about telling his boss that he's sick so that he could keep his job when I actually had no clue where he was. It was a lie. I should have let him pay the consequences. How about the times when I wrote checks I knew would bounce just so we'd have food in the house or gas in the vehicle so I could get to work?

Last night I thought to myself, "Now I have something worth confessing to the priest." What? He'll tell me to do 10 Hail Marys like he did the last time. Why bother telling him? I'll just do the 10 Hail Marys so that I can feel better. But you know what? I don't think it works that way. It's that step 5, "Admitted to God, yourself and another person the exact nature of your wrongs." That's why we tell the priest. But I think telling you is just as sufficient. I did one of those things mentioned in the paragraph above.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

As a child, I walked through the world with wonder and awe. Each day started with a question and ended with a question. I had the mind of a beginner.
--Anonymous

Did you ever notice that children ask the best questions? Why are things the way they are? How do they work? How did we get here? Who made us? Why?

These are the most important questions in life. Most of us never really get our questions answered. We just learn to stop asking people. We act like the things they tell us answer the questions, but they really don't.

Such questions are questions of the spirit. We can ask our Higher Power to help us learn the answers. We can talk with other people who are also interested in these questions and share our thoughts and ideas. Now that we are sober we can even read books that explore these questions. The truth is, we may never understand the answers because we are only human beings. But thinking about these things is good because it helps us be thankful for the mystery of life.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, I know I'll never understand everything, but will You please teach me something interesting today? Thank You.

Today's Action

What have I done lately to learn more about the mystery of life? What is one thing I can do today?
From: God Grant Me... by Anonymous


Most people would rather you not ask questions in my experience. A few years back I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting and I was told that I had the mental capacity of a three year old because I asked so many questions. I took offense. Later I learned that it was their problem not mine. They took offense to the questions because they had no answers. So why not simply say, "I don't know"? It would have been more appropriate.

I'm Forty-two, I'll be Forty-three next Saturday, and I still ask questions. It's not really that I need to know the answers. It's more like I want to challenge thinking. Just because something as always been so doesn't mean it has to remain that way. You know what I mean? I think we can evolve to a higher self by asking questions, thinking outside the box or pushing the envelope.

I think I've been challenging myself. I converted to Catholicism after may years of attending the Church of Christ. I let go of preconceived notions about what is right and wrong- black and white thinking- and learned to accept that some things have no right or wrong answer. I changed jobs when I had no idea what I was getting into. I've let go of friendships when every fiber screamed to fix the situation.

I say "I" did these things but I really believe my Higher Power has been guiding me through this higher thinking. I feel blessed.

Just as I thought things were going along swimmingly, life happened. Mom called last night to tell me that my brother had had one of his episodes. He got angry about something that had nothing to do with her and hit her with a broom handle across the side of her face that has paralysis. I couldn't go to her because I'm right at empty. But if I had gone, I'd have made things worse. I waited a little while and then I called down there to see if things had cooled off. I spoke to my brother first. He is sorry for what he did and knows he did wrong. She'll have a bruise there and she'll have to report it. I'm calling their case worker today. It's time Barry went to a group home or something. Mom can't handle him any more.

I called Carolyn, one of Mom's caseworkers, this morning to report what happened last night. I understood that she had an appointment for a home visit today. I didn't talk to her directly then but I left a voice mail. Later Mom dropped by the school with another caseworker as I was taking two student to lunch. Betty, the caseworker that takes her to the store, the doctor, etc, and I met for the first time. Mom was giving me gas money so that I'd be able to get around until pay day. I didn't ask her to, it was given of her own free will. She will get it back double when pay day rolls around. Anyway Betty and I briefly discussed the situation with my brother. She's witnessed Barry's behavior more than once and reported it. They didn't stay long as I was trying to get my kids through the lunch line and ready for early release from school. The rain has come down and the floods have come up.

Carolyn called me back once I had gotten home. We discussed the situation and we were both in agreement that Barry isn't taking his medication properly. We discussed the possibility of him going into the hospital for a medical evaluation. She said she was going to talk to her supervisor to see what she could do in the situation. She's seen his extreme behavior, too. Mom called a little while ago and said that Barry would be taking one of his medications by shot once a month. I guess the strong armed him pretty well. I expect to hear back from Carolyn. She had told me she would call me back to tell me what happened.

In the mean time I've had a song going through my head. All I can hear is, "I'm going home." So naturally, I had to go looking for the song.


I'm Going Home

As sung by Chris Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Chorus
I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home.

Chorus x2

I just got finished watching the movie Martian Child. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. It reminded me a little of August Rush, another movie I think everyone should see.

There were some really good lines in Martian Child. The one that stands out most in my mind is when John Cusack's character was asked, "Why can't you just be what we want you to be?" Isn't that the question that some of us hear quite frequently? What they really mean is "Why do you have to be you? Why can't you be someone else? Because who you are isn't good enough." I grew up around people like that. Like the Martian Child I tried to fit in. Tonight I realized I'm not supposed to.

I talked to my mother this afternoon. She told me about my brother crying at church last night because he thought his ride had gone off and left him. I really wish we could convince Barry to attend church elsewhere. These people, try as they might, just don't get my mother, brother or me. They want to change the way they live. I know Mom's made some blunders over time but their conditions are far from subpar. It's just a matter of her eyesight being so poor and he doesn't know how to do certain things. But truthfully, I handicapped them by doing things for them. I spoiled them and when I could no longer do it or was told to drop the rope, everyone was unprepared for the results.

I love my mother and brother. I really do. They're all I have. But I had to drop the rope a while back because I was spinning out of control. All this control stuff we go through only makes us more out of control. I learned the hard way.

I identify with the Martian Child and August Rush because they think outside the box. They are real to me even though they are characters in movies because I know how they feel.

I had a really weird thought as the movie ended. What if all of us out here who walk a different path are the normal ones and all these other people aren't? Who's to say what the truth is? Truth is relative. You know what I mean?

Just needed to reach out and share that with someone, anyone. I get a little tired of my own company and my own thoughts. Sometimes I need a friend to bounce things off of without judgment. I kind of think that was the point of the whole movie.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
--Benjamin Franklin

We all desire to be loved. Our common human characteristic is our need to count in someone else's life. At least one other person needs us, we tell ourselves, when we feel least able to accept life's demands. How alike we all are. The paradox is that our own need for love is lessened when we bestow it on others. Give it away and it returns. A promise, one we can trust.

The reality about love and its path from sender to receiver and back again is often distant from our minds. More often we stew and become obsessed with the lack of love's evidence in our lives. Why isn't he smiling? Why didn't she care? Has someone more interesting taken our place? Choosing to offer love, rather than to look for it, will influence every experience we have. Life will feel gentler, and the rewards will be many and far reaching.

Loving others promises me the love I desire. But I can't expect it if I don't give it first.
From: The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg



Bing! I needed to hear this today especially with the way I was feeling last night. I was so lonely and wanted so badly to hear a friendly voice on the other end of the line. I wound up going to bed at 8:30 because I was so sad and tired.

Today we had Special Olympics. Taylor had 10 people there to cheer her on and she did fairly well with her behavior today. I was a little put out with Kim, the assistant that went with me. First she chooses the easiest of the children to work with and when we get outside our school she doesn't tend to the majority of his needs. Then when we've sent her to restraint training she won't use what she learned to control Taylor. I can't win for losing. I was also a little put out with the resource teacher that went. She doesn't seem to attempt to control children. She leaves it to the assistants. She also didn't do much to help the volunteers in getting kids routed to events. I don't know the names of most of the kids so I was of no help. But for me the real lesson was learning to sit on the sidelines and letting others get kids to their events. So maybe that's what the resource teacher was doing, too. Since I don't know her that well I guess I need to reserve judgment.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Competing with others - Attitude


Some of us never liked close competition. We preferred to be clear winners or not to compete at all. We didn't like to have competitors breathing down our necks.

This attitude kept up from doing our best, and we made a mistake when we thought we were competing with others. We're actually competing with ourselves at all times, trying to do better than we did yesterday. The presence of other people only helps us to set performance standards and goals.

Once we accept the idea of self-improvement, we can delight in competition. We can take satisfaction in situations where, though we were not number one, we came in a close second instead of a sullen last.

I'll know today that I'm always working with others but only competing against myself.
From: Walk in Dry Places by Mel B.

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I'm glad that this is today's reading. I wish I could send it to my assisant, Jennifer. I think she needs to read it. She seems to be in competition with me and at times the other assistants to show who is stronger, better in control, etc. We work in a CDC room, for Pete's sake. It's glorified baby sitting not brain surgery!

The same kind of thing went on in the old Al-Anon group with Lois. It's not about who is better, smarter, more capable, etc. It's about us recognizing that we each have a problem and striving to better ourselves. Hopefully along the way we can lift up our fellow travelor, too.

Jennifer is the adult child of an alcoholic. In listening to her talk, I'd say she married into a family of alcoholics as well. She is very much a control freak and could benefit from Al-Anon. But to tell her that? Are you kidding? She's flat deny it.

Last night at the new Al-Anon meeting there were 5 of us present. Ruby, me and 3 nursing students who needed to sit in on a meeting for class. Two of them are children of alcoholics. I think everyone that needed to be present last night was. It was a good meeting. I came away feeling like I'd been to a real meeting for the first time in a long time. The students may even come back or tell their peers about us. They took notes and asked a lot of questions, read with us and shared. It was like being in a newcomers meeting. I loved it. I was so excited when I left that I had to tell someone. I called to talk to Marian and got her son on the telephone instead which was fine. I love talking to him. But he seemed to be in a hurry and didn't stay on the phone long. So, I called my mother. But in retrospect I think I was supposed to talk to the paradox. Not sure why. May never know.

Tonight I'll be attending mass. My brother spoke of wanting to go with me. Not sure if he meant this week or not. I'm just glad that my biological family is interested in this. Of course, if they weren't, it wouldn't matter. But it's nice to have them on board. I get a little lonely out here all by myself.

Tomorrow is Special Olympics at the Giles County High School. I have two competing- the drama queen and Kristopher.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we received news about Q. He was taken from his mother by DCS. He also broke a teacher's nose when he lashed out at her. He's probably been without medicine the whole time he's been down there in Florida. His behavior didn't surprise me but I'm glad to hear about his being removed from his home. That was a very bad situation. We await news on whether he will be sent back here.

Well, let's see, where do I begin? Last night Linda and I cleared the air with each other. She didn't realize that she'd overstepped so many boundaries. She just knew that I was pretty pissed off at her. I think everything is back to normal, whatever normal is.

I've got most of my ducks in a row for M-teams. I'm working on the IEPs here and there. I've got two weeks to hone them. That's actually working out pretty well for me.

I think I got my tornado piece completed, thanks to my friend the paradox. I just needed a sounding board. I'll turn it in to George the next time I see him.

There were 5 of us at the new Al-Anon meeting tonight! Yay! Ruby came and three nursing students showed up to get research for their class. Two of them are children of alcoholics. It was a good meeting. I came away feeling like I'd been to a meeting for the first time in a long time. It's so funny that insanity and boundaries turned out to be the topic of conversation.

Life may be getting just an itty bitty bit better. No songs today. The inner voice spoke in the form of the daily meditation that I am now receiving from
e-catholicdigest.com. It was about having the faith of a mustard seed.