"We're all of us paddling our own little boat,
on our own particular small river,
which eventually ends up in the ocean of us all."

That's what my perpetual calendar says today. My own particular river. Well, I guess that's right. I've been in my own personal hell.

I do have good news though. I am being considered for two of the teaching jobs I interviewed for here. If given the opportunity I will take one of them. I need to be closer to home.

The bad news is that I thought I had all of my vehicle woes figured out. I've been exercising a lot of self-will and insanity lately. I see that now. I keep trying to dig myself out of this hole and I only succeed in digging myself in deeper.

I wound up in crisis mode yet again this morning. I attempted to call for help. I was in touch with the Crisis Hotline affiliated with Centerstone but my mother wouldn't quit beeping in. She just won't leave me alone! She can't help me but she keeps trying to. It dawned on me that she really needs Al-Anon herself. I was seeking help on my own. But she sent the police over here! I wasn't suicidal. Unless there's a painless way to end it all I'm not interested.

I ended up going to my Aunt Nelle for financial assistance. She made me feel pretty damn small about it. But I had no other choice. I'm working at the only job I could find for the summer and I don't get paid until July 13th. Even then that will be a very small paycheck. I wasn't this bad off when Joey was in the picture! I don't understand why it's all catching up to me now. I mean, it feels like every thing is coming to a head at once and it's screaming, "Deal with me now!" I'm dealing with things the best way I know how.

I don't feel like doing anything but staying in bed. I want to curl up in the fetal position and die. But I get up every morning. I recite what all my blessing are and I try to stay as focused as I can on what is right in front of me. It's difficult. I see all the affects of Joey's drinking and drug abuse all around me. I'm dealing with it daily. Where is he? In prison. Yeah, he's probably dealing with it in some way but I doubt he feels the full effect of what I am going through. I can't bring myself to be angry at him any more. Instead I've gone inward and blamed myself. I had some help with that this morning from my aunt. She pretty much laid it at my feet again.

I know I need to be going into my mom's house and cleaning. I know I should be mowing her lawn, cutting her hedges, etc. But it dawned on me four years ago that I was taking care of everyone but me. So I detached in an attempt to take care of me. I know it looked like I had abandoned them but what could I do? If I'm falling apart I can be of no help to anyone else. I feel so guilty and shameful. I can't go inside her home without feeling the walls closing in. I can't do for her. I just can't. I'm barely able to take care of me right now.

I tried making amends the only way I know how. I signed her up for every agency I thought she might qualify for. I know it takes time for things to start the ball rolling but we're running out of time here. They need help and they need it now. They need help and it ain't me.

I pray that I can get myself under control. I keep reaching out for help and coming up empty in some areas but finding some in others with strings attached. In some ways I wish I was strong enough to end it all. Joey used to say that. I never understood it until now. Now I understand it completely. I wonder sometimes if I am in the wrong program.

My blog entry yesterday had to do with worrying about tomorrow. I heard a quote on one of the "Touched by an Angel" episodes. The teenager told one of the angels that they didn't really worry about tomorrow. His response was that tomorrow eventually comes any way. I understand both sides to that coin. I can't worry about tomorrow without working myself into an anxiety attack. But I still need to be mindful of tomorrow.

I don't know I just want to get back on an even keel. I want to feel better. But maybe I'm having to go through this in order for others to see how much responsibility I have really shouldered over the years. I can't do it any more. I would like to have someone to lean on myself. Sometimes I just need to be held and told it will get better.

I've surrendered so many things to God. I know He's here for me but when I got up this morning I felt as if He was light years away from me. I felt very much alone. But maybe I had to feel that in order to reach out for help. I just wish I had not had to reach out to my aunt. God help me. I hated to do that. That was more humbling for me than having to go to the Help Center.

I guess I'm okay for now. I've worked myself up into a frenzy and now I'm tired beyong belief. I may go back to bed. Here is the song going through my head today. Wish I had someone like this in my life. I guess what I'm learning is that that someone should be God.

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

As sung by Simon and Garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
When you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

This afternoon I got so bad with this free floating anxiety that I thought I'd have to go to the emergency room. I wound up with Lois again. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know it's not about finances. It's an internal thing. I should be hearing from the results of the hormone tests soon. I'm going to call Dr. Brann on Monday. I think I should call Centerstone, too. I need something for anxiety and depression right now. I've never wanted to be on medication. So many of my relatives are. I wanted to be one of the few who wasn't. It doesn't look like I'm going to be.

As I was driving to Lawrenceburg to meet with Lois I remembered something about my mother from my childhood and suddenly I began to see a pattern. I've been seeing a lot of my patterns lately with clarity. From relationships with men, to financial management, to how I handle stress, etc. Man, I am one messed up chick. I've got a lot of character defects coming out of the woodwork that it is time to let go of. Maybe that's what's wrong with me.

Like I said, I don't know what's wrong with me and this is so foreign for me that I don't know how to handle it. All I know is that I feel insane. If I had not gone over to visit with Lois I'd have wound up in the emergency room. The anxiety was that bad. I could take no more of it.

Lois kept me busy and occupied with silly stuff. We went out to eat and then to the festivities at the high school. I'm just getting home. All those phone calls I made to Al-Anon people were returned while I was gone. I know I'm loved. I also know that these people have their own lives to live. I've got to get the help I need from other resources.

I just want to feel better. I hate feeling like this.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

From Macbeth

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:34



Another day

From Rent

ROGER
Who do you think you are?
Barging in on me and my guitar
Little girl -- hey
The door is that way
You better go you know
The fire's out anyway
Take your powder -- take your candle
Your sweet whisper
I just can't handle
Well take your hair in the moonlight
Your brown eyes -- goodbye, goodnight
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I should -- no!
Another time -- another place
Our temperature would climb
There'd be a long embrace
We'd do another dance
It'd be another play
Looking for romance?
Come back another day
Another day

MIMI
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

ROGER
Excuse me if I'm off track
But if you're so wise
Then tell me -- why do you need smack?
Take your needle
Take your fancy prayer
And don't forget
Get the moonlight out of your hair
Long ago -- you might've lit up my heart
But the fire's dead -- ain't never ever gonna start
Another time -- another place
The words would only rhyme
We'd be in outer space
It'd be another song
We'd sing another way
You wanna prove me wrong?
Come back another day
Another day

MIMI
There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what's right
No other course
No other way
No day but today
(Lights slowly fade up on the Life Support group.)

MIMI & OTHERS
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

ROGER
Control your temper
She doesn't see
Who says that there's a soul?
Just let me be...
Who do you think you are?
Barging in on me and my guitar
Little girl, hey
The door is that way
The fire's out anyway

ALL
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

ROGER
Take your powder; take your candle
Take your brown eyes, your pretty smile, your silhouette
Another time, another place
Another rhyme, a warm embrace
Another dance, another way
Another chance, another day


I tell myself today is all I have. On in the words of the song from Rent- "There's no day but today." So, I look at what I have today. Here is my gratitude list-

I have a roof over my head.
I have electricity.
I have clean running water.
I have food in the kitchen for myself and my cats.
I have clean clothes.
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have transportation.
I have the companion ship of two silly cats.
I have a job.
I have books to read for enlightenment.
I have a radio to listen to for musical entertainment.
I have a DVD/VCR to replace the cable.
I have a telephone and the internet.
I have a cell phone with a few minutes on it.
I have friends.
My family is still alive.
I am blessed. I have my health.

We finally got some rain. I mean it came a storm! It was as if God was speaking.

The power went out here for about 2 hours. I sat with candles burning and a flashlight perched on my shoulder where I was entertaining myself by reading. The power came back on but went off twice more when I went to bed. There's nothing worse than being asleep and suddenly your oxygen is taken from you. It was if God was saying, "I giveth and I taketh away."

I feel kind of blah. I go to training classes and I hate this feeling I get from them. It's like I'm running but I'm not going any where. I want to be working with the actual clients, not sitting up in some room in a class. I do get to mingle with clients while I'm there. Jennifer, the girl I'm training beside, and I have been adopted by a little guy named Michael. He's just as cute as he can be. Yesterday when I had to leave he came up to give me a hug and asked me if I was going to be back tomorrow.

I've been told that I will get to start shadowing someone on Friday. I'll get to ride the van route and everything. That will have taken 2 weeks to get to actually work on a job!

I called Southside Elementary. The principal says her decision is between me and another person. She hasn't made a decision yet. By the time she makes it will be time to go back to school. I need to know something soon. I don't know whether to let go of the job at HPES or to hang on to it. I just don't want to go back but I may have to. I can't do without insurance and I need the salary to pay bills.

This morning I'm tired. I don't want to go to training. I just want to go back to bed.

Tonight we have Al-Anon. I may need a meeting by the end of today. My patience is at an all time low when I leave these classes. We've got a group of very disrespectful people in this class. They're taking too many breaks to smoke, not coming back on time, talking while the instructor is talking, etc. I want so badly to turn around and tell them, "Shut the F up!" We've got to have these classes because of state requirements but come on.

As much as I may need a meeting I'm fed up with that, too. I'm back to dreading the thought of going to that building. I'm tired of the cold shoulder I've gotten from certain recovery people. I don't understand what's going on. I want to feel as if I belong again. I feel so disconnected. I hate being at odds with people. No one remembers saying any of the things that I heard. It's like I'm being told once again that I'm a liar or that I'm crazy.

I'm fed up with my mother, too. She calls here several times a day. I can't help her. I've tried telling her that. And she can't help me. When she did help me I got accused of financial exploitation. I was told that my mother felt intimidated by me and that I had coerced her into giving me financial assistance. I was accused of several things I wasn't guilty of. My whole world fell apart last week. She doesn't remember telling the caseworker all that was relayed to me. It's killing me to feel disconnected from my biological family, too. It's the same as the recovery family. She doesn't remember what she said therefore I'm a liar.

You know, I really do have a lot to be grateful for. When I'm left alone I can see my blessings. It's when people try to pile things up on my plate (that is already overflowing with problems) that I lose sight of what I have. That old feeling of being responsible for everything returns and suddenly I can't breath. I feel like a tremendous weight is pressing down on me and I am going under. Mom's situation is like being in a boat that has a hole in it. I'm bailing water out and it's still filling up. I put her stuff on the caseworkers because that's their job and someone puts it back in my boat.

I'm going to really need prayer to get through today. I'm at my breaking point with these classes. The good news is that this is the last one for a while. When I looked at the big picture here yesterday I saw very clearly some of the meaning behind that weird dream I had. I have met the odd woman in the dream. She's the coordinator for Impact in Giles and Maury counties. And she did undergo a transformation in appearance. She didn't look the same yesterday as she did when I met her 3 weeks ago.

I am mingling with mentally challenged people like I was in the dream but I don't see the connection to my brother, who appeared briefly in my dream and then was gone. And the workshop does appear to be like an ongoing play.

The part about Mike sitting in the stands eating popcorn- I still don't get that. Maybe he was supposed to represent a person that is like him and if that's the case it is Kenny. He has been actively observing my day to day progress with the attitude of a spectator.

The person at the end of the dream? I don't know. That one's kind of hazy. I still say that person at the very end was connected somehow with Marian. It's a family connection or a church connection. I got the feeling that Mike knew him but if Mike was supposed to represent someone like himself then maybe it is someone that is more connected with Kenny. But that can't be right. Whoever he is at peace with himself. I sure hope I get to meet him soon. I'd love nothing better than to sit down in the presence of someone who is serene.

I've risen but I'm far from shining. Didn't sleep well last night.

Well, I made it through the day. I'm okay.

I see where my on-line Al-Anon friend has blocked my e-mails. That may be for the best. I'm not sure what he wanted from me any way. When I last talked to him I felt like he was talking down to me. Oh, well.

I understand that Mac has isolated from everyone. According to Ann she has not talked to him in 3 weeks. I don't believe her but there you are.

Elaine S. was back at our meeting tonight but no Elaine K. Not sure what's going on there.

I guess what I'm experiencing these days is tremendous growth. I'm in a valley. I am having to lift myself up to see my blessings rather than looking down. I've heard another song that speaks to me. I am changing. I hope I'm changing for the better because I'm tired of being so damn depressed.

Change

As sung by Marcia Hines

I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
And I can feel a change a-comin', there's of wave of calm washin' over me

I can feel a change in your touch, in your eyes, they say so much
Time has come to let your feelings show, whatever's goin' down I still love you so
Oh-oh I want you to know, how hard it's gonna be for me to let you go
Oh I should let you go, so you can find the peace that you deserve to know

I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
I can feel a change a-comin', there's of wave of calm washin' over me

There must be a lesson here to learn, I know my words can't say enough
The truth has come and knocked on my door
Can't run, can't hide, can't turn away the truth no more
Oh-oh I should let you go, so you can find that peace that you deserve to know
Oh-oh I want you to know, how hard it's gonna be for me to let you go
Let you go-o-o

I know that heaven is filled with angels, so it would be sad to lose it all
You can only imagine as they now know

Oh-oh I want you to know, how hard it's gonna be for me to let you go
Oh-oh I should let you go, so you can find the peace that you deserve to know...

(I can feel a change) I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
(I can feel a change) Oh-oh-oh, I can
I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
Oh-oh-oh-oh (I can feel the change), I can feel the change a-comin'
I can feel the change a-comin', calm washing over me, I should let you go
I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me, oh-oh-oh, I can
I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin'

Mary Did You Know

Written by Buddy Greene and Mark Lowry

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you’ve delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
You’ve kissed the face of god

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heavens perfect lamb?
This sleeping child you’re holding
Is the great I am


It may seem like insanity to put a song that many regard as a Christmas song in my blog at the end of hot June. But when you see the rest of today's entry you should understand.

There is a line in a song from the play Les Miserables that says, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” The “Face of Christ” is the innocence and love behind our masks we all wear, and seeing that face, touching it and loving it in ourselves and others, is the experience of God. It is our divine humanness. It is the high we all seek.
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, p. 91-92.

This is the doctrine of vocation. God works through people, in their ordinary stations of life to which He has called them, to care for His creation. In this way, He cares for everyone- Christian and non-Christian- whom He has given life.
Luther puts it even more strongly- Vocations are the “masks of God.” On the surface, we see an ordinary human face- our mother, the doctor, the teacher, the waitress, our pastor- but, beneath the appearances, God is ministering to us through them. God is hidden in human vocations.
The other side of the coin is that God is hidden in us. When we live out our callings- as spouses, parents, children, employers, employees, citizens, and the rest- God is working through us. Even when we do not realize it, when we fulfill our callings, we too are masks of God.
The purpose of vocation, according to Luther, is to love and serve the neighbor. Thi8s was that we are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12: 20-31).
~ Gene Edward Veith


This is a portion of the message I sent to my on-line buddy this morning following a rather interesting phone call last night about how we have little in common due to our difference in economic status:

Step out on faith. Expect every person that crosses your path to be a mirror image of God and therefore a mirror image of you because you were made in His image. Love them. Accept them. Place no label on them. See that homeless person as God. See him or her as yourself. See that mentally challenged person as God. See him or her as yourself. In fact throughout the day, pick 3-5 people and do just that. See them as God and as yourself. If you can't, ask that God allow you to see them through His eyes and to hear them through His ears. When you do miracles will occur. But I caution you. What you will receive will blow your mind. You might not be able to handle it at first. Because if the person is in pain, you will feel his or her pain. It is in doing this that you actually become Christ-like. You were right last night when you said that Christ had not lived the same experiences as those around him but he could feel their pain because he saw and heard them through his father's eyes and ears.

I believe that when we are able to do this we are able to truly love unconditionally and to accept people as they are. This is when the miracle of love begins to take hold.

When our layers of definition are stripped away from us we are transformed. We become like Christ. When we reflect this to others we allow them to do the same.

That having been said. Let's start over. Hi, my name is Yolanda. My friends call me Yo. And you are?

This evening I began to feel disconnected again from my power source because my mother kept calling and asking me about stuff I'd rather not talk about. I can not help her. She has three caseworkers and needs to learn to lean on them, not me. I'm doing well to help myself right now. Truth of the matter is I'm "leaning on the everlasting arms." I've surrendered more things to God than I ever have before. I had to because I was literally going insane.

Tonight the power went off for about 2 hours. I sat in the dark with a few candles and a tiny oil lamp burning with a flashlight perched on my shoulder. I began to read Marianne William's Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles again. I saw a lot of the things I've been going through mentioned in the book. I'm growing. I know I am but sometimes I feel like I'm just standing still. I also feel like the odd man out at times. I wish there were someone near by going through similar experiences as me and was willing to talk about them. Then I wouldn't feel so disconnected.

I feel like I literally need the back and forth conversation of someone who is walking the same path as me. Kenny sort of is, but then again...he's not. He's so bogged down in who he is, what he is, that he can't get past his own labels. Here I am throwing out all the things I label myself as. I have held on to only one and I guess it's time to let it go. I will no longer refer to myself as Finnegan Begin Again. It is more fitting for me to merely state I am lovable, capable of loving and loved. That is my new definition of self. As long as I hold onto that I feel better. It's just so dog gone hard to hang onto it.

If you are going to follow
someone's light
into the darkness,
always carry batteries
and a spare bulb.

So, says my perpetual calendar this morning. This is a pretty good reminder for me. What is relays to me is that I should not put all of my faith in man because eventually the light will fade or become less bright due to circumstances. But it also reminds me that I emit a light of my own. It's like the Marianne Williamson quote says, "While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same." When someone appears to shine light in the darkness I don't merely need to follow I need to learn to create my own light.

Linda called late last night. I'm so proud of her. She's worked through some heavey duty issues with her foster mother and she's beginning to delve deeper into her family of origins.

This morning I head to Columbia for training. I think today we do CPR and First Aid. One the one hand I hope it ends early because I am tired of going to training and on the other I hope it goes the full time because I need the hours.

Synchronicity or synchrodestiny? I'm not sure what I experienced today.

I went to training. All I was given to do for 3 1/2 hours was read the policy and procedure manual. But I found some good stuff in there. There's this thing that each of the clients has called a Circle of Support. I kind of liked the idea behind that. I took notes on what it actually is and, you know, I think it's a lot like a recovery group.

Jennifer didn't report to work today. She called in sick. I doubt she's sick. It was probably due to no ride. So, I sat by myself for most of that time until the supervisor joined me for the last half hour.

Before she came up I called the elementary school that I interviewed with last Monday. The principal is out of the office until Wednesday.

I called the Help Center. You will never know how humbling that was. I went in before I had to go to the Health Department for the mandatory TB test. The Help Center can only give a maximum of $75 toward any bill. I opted for help in my rent. It requires my landlord to pay the Help Center a visit tomorrow and then I will owe him $225 when I get paid.

I don't know what I will do about the next truck payment. The light will begin flashing on the 28th. If I don't give them something it won't start come Saturday morning. I may wind up doing another no-no. I may write a check and pray. But then there's my auto insurance. That is required by my bankruptcy. I can only take that leap of faith and trust that God will catch me. I'm not asking anyone else for help.

*Footnote here. The truck will be taken care of on Friday. I think I might even be able to manage my insurance. One of God's miracles came in the mail to me today. It's not much but it may take care of all my needs. It's another credit card with limited credit. I'll be in debt to those but at least I will be able to stay afloat a while longer.

I just got back from getting my mammogram. Here's where the synchronicity or synchrodestiny comes in. First of all the tech had on a butterfly top which doesn't mean anything to you but it means a lot to me. Butterflies are one of the symbols for Al-Anon and they are also a symbol of transformation. I believe I'm evolving right now. Second, they had the TV on in the waiting room. It was tuned into TNT where Law & Order was playing. I don't watch TV often so I have very little knowledge of what actor is in which show. There he was - the guy who played Collins on Rent! It brought to mind all the things that Elaine K. and I talked about last night and what Lois spoke about this morning. I can't begin to tell you how different their perspective about people is from mine.

Elaine spoke of being hit on by two lesbians in the last few weeks and how she'd like to find a healthy male to have a relationship with? I laughed and told her to be grateful. At least she got hit on. The last time I was hit on by a lesbian I was flattered. At least it meant I still had some sex appeal to someone. I said it was raining men for me but unfortunately they are all gay or bi-sexual. I didn't mean it in a derogatory way. I'm actually kind of glad that they are. I'm learning to relate to men in a healthier way because they can't become anything more. But then there is my estranged friendship with Mac.

I can't begin to tell how much his behavior has hurt me. I told Lois about it this morning and she told me to look at this way, "my brothers (these men) have let me down but my sisters have stepped up." I don't see it that way at all. I think I'm still loved by my brothers. I just can't figure out this one in particular.

I dreamt of Joey last night only it wasn't Joey's face, it was that guy I saw Friday. When I worked 3 jobs I met this rather odd fellow. He used to come through the store in Spring Hill while I was on duty. It turns out he's an employee with Impact. I'm not sure why he appeared in my dream but the whole thing was about Joey using my truck to deliver and sell drugs. It was odd to say the least. But then the stuff that happened at the Betterway House was odd last night. I've cleared the air with Elaine but I kind of felt like Alice in Wonderland. Things seemed very weird.

I've been invited to eat dinner with Lois. She's turned over a new leaf in the service work arena. I'm not sure what it means except that I get a free meal out of it. I guess I'll find out if there is an alterior motive when I get there.

I'm afraid I've offended my new friend. I haven't heard from him today. I have to look at my Four Agreements and remind myself that everything is not about me. People have their own lives. Just because they don't respond when I expect them to is hardly a reason to become paranoid. Truthfully I hope this means he's off having fun somewhere. He sounds kind of depressed.

Yesterday I gained some insight into my friend Kenny. He confided some things about himself to me that were awesome. Financially he is blessed and cursed. He carries a heavy burden that I can not begin to imagine. It must be terrible not knowing whether people are being sincere or not when they meet you and are aware of who you are. He could have remained silent about all of that and I'd never have known. I mean, why would I have investigated such a thing. I did wonder where he lived only because I think it is so awesome to have people from all over the world corresponding to this on-line Al-Anon group. I had pretty much already figured out what his occupation was from the picture he sent me. I wasn't far off base but I was just scraping the iceburg.

I don't know what he must think of me. It's really not my responsibility to give him any impression of me. I am who I am. I came into this world with nothing and I will leave the same way. I really don't have the time to waste worrying about what others think. I do sometimes get into that people pleasing mode where I want everyone to like me but most of the time I am aware that I am loved.

I've come a long way in my thinking. I guess I used to put people in boxes a lot more than I do now. I think society does that. There's the box for each race, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, and economic status. There are boxes for our interests and hobbies. The list could go on and on. I think where I am right now is that I just want to know the person without the stigma. That person is "just Joe". I can see his skin color and kind of tell some other things about him by my awareness of how he conducts himself or dresses. What I want to be able to do is look beyond the obvious and remain oblivious of the things he can tell me and see "just Joe". I think that is this principal known as anonymity. Maybe my new friend serves as a test for me.

And then there is this gnawing suspicion in the back of my mind. It's easy to meet people on-line and be taken in by their stories only to discover that they weren't being truthful. What a drag! I don't have the time any more to pretend I'm something or someone I'm not. I am who and what I am. Love me or leave me be. I appreciate others who are the same.

I talked to Linda about Kenny today. She is like me. He could be lying about who he is. I take everything I'm told with a grain of salt. But something tells me he's pretty genuine. He may have fudged on a few things but I'm doubtful that everything he's told me is a lie. He's a little different. His mannerism, his way of talking, are kind of out there. That's why I think he's being fairly honest. I guess the way I look at it is this, he needs something I have and must need it pretty badly to pursue a friendship of some sort. He sounds lonely and in need of love.

On my makeshift computer desk is a slab of rock that Vicki gave me for my birthday this year. It simply says, "God is love." It's not a fancy gift but to me it is invaluable. It is invaluable because it came from someone I admire, respect and love. It is also invaluable because it came at a time when I needed to be reminded that I am loveable, capable of loving and loved. It serves as a reminder that no matter how bad things get, God really is aware of my situation and loves me. He has not turned His back on me. He's here. He knows my situation and He's teaching me something today through the trials that He sends me.

Next to that slab is my perpetual calendar given to me for Christmas a few years ago by a very loving teacher who worked down the hall from me. She sort of took in my situation a few years ago with my alcoholic and extended her love towards me. Last year whenever I got stressed and was in the right frame of mind I saught this woman out. She was a calming influence, a soothing balm. I thought to myself, "I want to be like her." She is so much like the St. Francis prayer. It is love in action. I learned on Friday that she retired this year. She didn't do it with the fanfare that other previously had done. She is not that kind of person. If I should go back to that school I will greatly miss her presence.

Today my perpetual calendar speaks volumes:

Perhaps the way is steep,
then climb it;
Perhaps the way is deep,
then swim it;
But are to risk it,
dare to try it.
Dare to push and move the limit.


Life is full of risks and decisions. No one can make my decisions for me. I have to do the footwork for myself. Sometimes I wish others could do for me. It would relieve me of responsibility. But I am a responsible person. I step up to the plate and I take whatever comes. I always admired the things I heard about leaders that did that. My favorite biograpy is about President Truman. That saying, "The buck stops here." always spoke volumes to me. What he was saying was that when responsibility landed on his desk, rather than pass it on to someone else or ignore it, he made a decision and stuck by it. If it was a bad decision he took the lumps- he did not point fingers and try to blame someone else for his actions. He stood by what he said or did. I think that's the way everyone should be.

Today I have the same problems looming large on the horizon but I am not looking at them. I can only concentrate on what lies in front of me. The horizon represents the unknown. While I may fear the unknown, I can prepare myself for the journey into it but I can not speculate as to what lies there. I will face it when I get there. It is tempting to set down my burden or to pass it on to someone else to handle for me but that is not walking in faith and it is putting my faith in a human being not my Higher Power.

I also talked to Linda about Mac. I'm so hurt by his actions. I don't understand what happened and why he's turned his back on me. I didn't do anything to him. He has a few conversations with Elaine or Ann or both and suddenly I'm the bad guy. I don't know what's going on and I really don't care any more. I miss my friendship with him but maybe I'd rather not be friends with him at all. I told Linda if he attempted to talk to me I was going to tell him to go to Hell. I don't need friends like this. Right now I don't know how I feel about him but it's borderline hatred. I've voiced my resentment about this to Kenny and all he says is that that kind of attitude does not promote growth. He's right of course but as Linda says I'm entitled to my feelings and my opinions. They are mine after all.

I've sat quietly in communion with God today. I went by the ATM. The deposit I made yesterday looks larger than what I remember making by a few dollars. I feel as if my inner voice is telling me to take some of that money to put on my cell phone. I may need to use my cell phone to call the Help Center. I don't know if I qualify for any assistance but I think I probably ought to try. I need to pay my rent. If the truck payment isn't paid maybe someone will be kind enough to take me to and from the places I need to go. But I doubt anyone would be willing to take me in if I were to be evicted.

I'm calm about everything. I really believe that "all will be well" as Julia of Norwich said. I just have to hang on to what little faith I have left. I didn't go to church today. After my conversation with Dennis on Friday I felt kind of bad about having asked if the church could be of assistance to me. Besides I believe that I was where I was supposed to be. I spoke to Wendy, one of the few people who still speaks to me from my pre-Joey days. I also fielded e-mails from various people from the on-line Al-Anon group. I was able to share love.

Well, I woke up with a splitting headache. But then I went to bed with one, too. I don't think it was the mudslide that I drank at Applebees. There wasn't enough alcohol in it to register anything.

I met up with my sisters- Vicki, Mary Jo and Lisa. I also spoke with my sister in Alabama, Linda at 3:00 yesterday morning. Between the help of these 4 women I may make it. God, how do I deserve them? I'm not much of a friend. I don't feel as if I deserve the love and support I get. I was reminded of a song from Sister Act as I drove home. Ironic because that is the movie that was playing in the break room at Impact as I sat with Jennifer and waited for her ride to pick her up.

When My Sister's in Trouble

From Sister Act

Do you ever feel it
When people get unkind
You can hear it in their voices
They get poison on their minds

Though ignorance
Should never be excused
I’ll do my best
To pick up their attitudes

I’m moving away again
But there’s one thing
That will make me take a stand

If my sister’s in trouble
I will always help her out
If my sister’s in trouble
I will turn the world around
I will fight for her right
No matter where the trouble seems to lie
If my sister’s in trouble so am I
If my sister’s in trouble so am I
So am I

All across the land
Young people are walking blind
But if the heat comes down
I’ll be standing by your side

For I am there for you
Like you are there for me
Nothing feels as good
As a sister’s loyalty

I’m talking about family
What my sister means to me

If my sister’s in trouble
I will always help her out
If my sister’s in trouble
I will turn the world around
I will fight for her rights
No matter where the problem seems to lie
If my sister’s in trouble so am I
If my sister’s in trouble so am I
So am I

I’ll be there for you
Just reach out your hands
And I’m gonna pull you through

I’m talking about family
And what my sister means to me

If my sister’s in trouble
I will always help her out
If my sister’s in trouble
I’m gonna turn the world around
I will fight for her rights
No matter where the problem seems to lie
If my sister’s in trouble so am I

Sister
I’m talking about my sister
Sister
My sister, my sister
You’re in trouble so am I
So am I, so am I

I will be there
If you’re in trouble
Reach out your hands
Call on me sister
I will be there
If you’re in trouble
Reach out your hands
Call on me sister
I will be there
If you’re in trouble



And of course that song reminds me of "We Are Family." I feel very blessed. I talked to my mother when I got home last night. Some of the things she had to say reminded me that she is not in her right frame of mind and that I should not take anything she says literally. I explained to her that I am not mad at her caseworker. I'm actually glad she's got such a good one. I will be putting the money back in Mom's account today. The girl's last night gave me enough for that and then some. I don't know how I will ever pay them back but I will strive to do that to the best of my ability.

Here it is that I lost my second family and they came out of the woodwork to my aid just as some that I never thought would from my third family has. I did not qualify for the loan from Susan's business but she did try. Linda did send the fax. And Lois has been super about me calling and talking. Marian listened to me yesterday morning. Yes, I called her. She just can't handle it when people have things go wrong in their lives. But she does love us all. Elyce calls almost daily and so has Kenny. I am blessed with a family of people who love me.

I haven't slept much.

I got up around 3:00, e-mailed and then called Linda. She's going to fax that caseworker a statement telling her that the full amount that Mom paid out for my electric bill will be mailed out tomorrow. Vicki, Mary Jo and Lisa have come up with the money between the three of them. God, this is such a huge blow to my pride or as Kenny would say to my ego. I hate asking for help. I want to be self-sufficient.

Linda doesn't think that the caseworker will take legal action. Even if they investigate me she doesn't think they will find any thing to substantiate pressing charges of financial exploitation against me. I feel guilty. Does it matter what they find? Linda is a social worker. She's been through this sort of thing before. She believes the most that they will find is the co-dependent relationship of mother/daughter.

Linda also encouraged me to call Centerstone and get that medical evaluation done now. She thinks I need to disregard the future appointments and get into see someone ASAP. I am in crisis mode. I know she speaks the truth. But I can't do it today. I've got to go to training or I forfeit the only job I could find to get through the summer. The irony of that is that I get a paycheck just two weeks before the schools start back.

Vicki looked into the insurance deal for me. Well, she actually talked to Mary Jo. They believe that the insurance will cease to be good as soon as I resign. Each of them is encouraging me to come back to HPES to work if a teaching position does not become available down here. The cut in pay from Impact will kill me they think. But they are also thinking of my benefits. It's funny how being in crisis mode brought back that trio from my support system. I'm meeting with them at 4:30 at Applebees to brainstorm what I need to do next.

Susan from the Lewisburg group works at a finance agency. I talked to her briefly last night. If her particular branch wasn't put on my bankruptcy she can help me with a small loan. If it was, I'm back at square one.

I left a message on Dennis' voice mail for him to call me back. If he will go with me to talk to the deacon, I will ask the church for help. I don't feel comfortable going alone. I'm not a member of that church yet.

That's 2 out of my three families that I've reached out to. I don't dare call anyone in my biological family. I would get read the riot act. I have tried telling them for almost 4 years now that I can not help my mother and brother. Right now I have to focus on me.

It's like I said in my group last night. I've always been the strong one that everyone relied on and now that I need help no one is there. I feel so alone. But this is what I saw coming months ago. This is what has been causing me so much depression. I'm worried about things I have no control over. I can't fix this situation.

What hurts the most about this situation with my mother is that there is someone out there that believes that I would deliberately hurt or put my mother at risk. But the truth is that I have over the years. For eight years the results of my involvement with an active alcoholic and addict caused me to become dependent on my mother and brother. Every time I accepted her help or asked for it, I put her at risk. I really am guilty of what the caseworker is accusing me of. In my defense I didn't know it at the time.

It's ironic that I get accused of this on the very day that I read ISP files for the participants at the center. One of the participants was at risk of being financially exploited.

This morning I have a limited plan of action and as Linda reminded me what do I have today. I have a job, a roof over my head, electricity, a phone, food in my kitchen and gas in my truck for today. I can only focus on today. If worrying over the future sends me to crisis mode again I am to report to the emergency room or call the crisis number for Centerstone.

Right now the only song I can hear in my head is Barry Manilow's "I Wanna Be Somebody's Baby." I feel so alone. I desperately need a hug. If I can hold on until 4:30, I know I'll receive 3 from my trio of friends.

Linda asked me if I had considered calling my sponsor. I can't seem to get anyone to understand that it isn't a good idea. Marian is not equipped to talk to me when I am like this. I just don't think she can handle it. She's already looking at ways to block my e-mail. It won't be long before she ceases to take my calls. And to call the Immovable Object- please, she'll only tell me to journal.

It's like I said in my meeting last night. This is not being on the pity pot, this is reality. I am in crisis mode and I do need help. Help of any kind would be a blessing. Prayer, hugs, a kind word- those things go a lot further for me than money. Money can't buy love. I need to feel the uncondional love that the program teaches about.

I know that God is with me and that He will provide in His time. I understand that. But as I see it, my time is running out. I am down to the wire.

In a little less than two hours I will be heading out to this training. I really need to get my head back in the ball game or I won't be able to retain what is taught today.

I pray that today will be an enlightening day. I learned a lot of things yesterday that may help when dealing with these caseworkers that Mom and Barry have.

I also made a connection with the girl that I worked along side of. I'll be side by side with her again today. We'll see what happens. I'm taking her some Al-Anon literature.

In the mean time I know that God will take care of me. I will be okay. I will keep my chin up and keep the faith.

I worked very hard to keep my faith today. I kept my focus on what was in front of me and had a pretty good day. The kid I remembered from KDS showed up today and was I glad to see him! He didn't remember me though.

I was doing pretty good. I took my doctor's appointment sheets with me so that the supervisor could write them on her calendar. I rescheduled that blasted mammogram.

I felt pretty good. I have just enough gas to get to training and back tomorrow. After that, well, I don't know. But that's tomorrow. I can only worry about today.

Well, it was too good to last. I got home and the phone rang. One of Mom's caseworkers blasted me big time for allowing Mom to pay my electric bill. She threatened have me arrested. She said that my mother felt intimidated by me and that I coerced her into helping me. I was scolded for allowing my mother to live in a house that badly needs repairs, cleaning, etc. My apartment looks worse than Mom's house, for Pete's sake. She told me that I have to pay the agency back that amount of money. I explained my situation as best I could and she said I needed to fax her something with an explanation and then they would decide whether or not they press charges or not. She didn't even leave me a fax number. I have no money to send a fax. I don't know what I'm going to do.

When I tried to explain to this irrate woman what was going on, some of the air was taken from her sails. She recommended that I go to the Help Center. I won't get back in town in time to make it there. Even if I do, I don't think I qualify. I've already made too much money this year to qualify for their services.

Lois came and got me for the meeting. I poured out the whole story in group. Their only suggestion was that I go to the church that I have been attending and ask for help. I'm not a member. I'm not sure I qualify. I hate to ask for that kind of help. I'd feel better if Dennis went with me. I called an left a message on his voice mail. He's at work.

I called another Al-Anon from Lewisburg. She works at a check cashing place. She is willing to work with me but if it turns out that her branch is one that was put on the bankruptcy I won't be able to get any help. She's going to run a check. I don't remember if they were or not. That's been almost 4 years ago.

In the mean time I called Vicki, one of my friends from work. I needed her to ask around and find out how much time I have with my insurance after I turn in my resignation. I don't get coverage on my for 90 days. I also asked her to find out if I'd be able to cash in all of my retirement. I don't want to do that but I am running out of options here. I was crying when I called. She asked me what was wrong and I poured out the whole sorry story to her. I don't want a hand out. I can't possibly pay anyone back. She was going to call around our set of friends and see what could be arranged. I hate asking for help but I have nowhere to turn.

I have no family now. Who would I go stay with if I was evicted? I couldn't go to stay with my mother now if I wanted to because a case worker believes I'm bad news for her. My aunts and uncles have no sympathy for me. They believe that I was drinking and drugging right along side my ex. My recovery buddies by and large quit talking to me a few months ago. I can't stay with Lois. She's being helpful now but it won't last. I have nowhere to go.

This isn't a pity pot. This is the reality of my situation.

Kenny called while I was out at the meeting. He's really pretty cool. I've never met the man and he sends me love. It's basically brotherly love for one human being to another. But, oh, how nice it was to hear. I miss hugs. None of us hugged when we left the meeting tonight. I didn't realize it until just now. He says he might call back. I told him it wasn't necessary. He's at the celebration of his neice's graduation. He sounded happy. I don't want to bring anyone down. Besides, this is my problem, not his. But I'm grateful he exists.

Well, it was an interesting day yesterday. I'm hoping that today is just as interesting.

I received my credit card. It wasn't what I hoped for but it was what I needed when I needed it. It will get me through this week. When I went to do a cash withdrawal to place money in my checking account to cover the checks, I wanted to take out more than the amount I needed so that I'd have cash in my hand. God blocked it. I was only allowed to take out the amount I needed. It was if He was telling me, "Take only what you need, when you need it. Don't worry with the future."

I got a little antsy with so much time to spare before I had to report to orientation. God sent me to School Zone. He reminded me that I had a gift certificate for there. I went in there looking for Harry Wang books. I thought if I'm going back to the classroom I need to read all that I can get my hands on about procedures. They had no such books. I wound up buying some pointers shaped like a hand that we can use in our meeting. I think I've got a cute game/ activity we can do to go along with some of our readings. I also bought some postcards that had butterflies on them. I didn't spend all of my gift certificate. I got money back! That bought lunch and supper.

I went to orientation. I think I need to make this my permanent job. I enjoyed watching and listening to the participants in the workshop. It's such a relaxed atmosphere compared to what I was in. I really think I'm too burned out to go back into the classroom. This new job has better insurance than my teaching job did. I actually get vision insurance. I've been in need of new glasses for some time now- I actually need bi-focals now. I hadn't been able to afford to go to the eye doctor. I get dental insurance, too. I had it with my teaching job but I understood from those who used it that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on. I learned of other perks with this job. I'm grateful to have the opportunity.

The down side to the job- you knew that there had to be one- is that I won't receive a paycheck until July 13th. I'm relying on God to point me in the direction I need to go so that I can pay my bills. I stand to have the phone cut off, the electricity cut off and eviction. I've been here before. In the past I went to my mother's house or bargained with the powers that be. I can't go to Mom's. I'm a liability for her. We're working on trying to get more servics for her and my brother. The services are based on the total amount of income for the year. She almost makes too much with just her and Barry, I'd put her out of the running altogether. As to talking to the powers that be, well, what can I say? I have no way of knowing when I'd have the money for them. I have no way of knowing how much my first paycheck would be. I can't promise anything. So, it literally is in God's hands.

I called and talked to my sponsor. She suggested I ask for an advance in my paycheck. I really don't think that's an option but I'll put our feelers today while I'm with my immediate supervisor. I told her about my transportation situation and she finally seemed to understand what was going on. I'm not so sure she had before.

Kenny called while I was talking to her. I think I've got my replacement for Mac, sort of. But I still miss Mac. It's just not the same. Mac's here, he's real. Kenny's real but he's in another state. I've been terribly hurt by Mac's behavior. I thought Mike not talking to me was bad but I at least knew that he still read my
e-mails based on what I heard from others and from his own mouth. With Mac, I have no clue. I don't know what I did or what's going on. I've talked to various recovery buddies about it and they all believe that I scared the poor man to death. He could not deal with my depression.

I've inherited Elyce. She calls almost every day needing a listening ear. In some ways it helps me because I hear myself say what I need to hear and it gets me outside myself. In other ways it makes me a little tired. I'm not sure I'm a very affective temporary sponsor but I guess I'm what she needs right now or else she would not be calling.

I also talked to Lois. She's become a Godsend to me. I never thought I would say that but she has. She has been a source of encouragement, love and information for me. Maybe she needed to see what I was like when I came into the program to understand why I acted as I did last year when she tried to attach herself to my hip.

Today I don't report to work until 11:00. I've got a few phone calls to make on Mom and Barry's behalf. I also have some time to look into all these financial institutions that are sending me all these pop ups. I've asked God to just indicate which one is the right one becase I am at a loss.

I'm hoping I get to work at least until 4:00. I need the hours. Orientation was only 2 1/2 hours yesterday.

You know how sometimes you can create self-fulfilling prophesy? Well, I had said that I hoped today was just as interesting as yesterday and it has been. I went to work and found that I know one of the participants (that's what they call the clients there) from a previous job. I don't think this is a coincidence. He was a pretty cool kid then and I'm sure he's a pretty cool young adult now.

When I got home I found my electricity was turned off. I had to call my mother to ask for help. The guilt and shame that brings to the surface was almost unbearable. I tell you that I was about to spiral down into the depression because of it. It doesn't take much to knock me off of my pink cloud. To feel like such a failure and at the mercy of my mother is one of the absolute worse feelings I think I can have at this time. She went with me to the power company and paid it. I'll have to move heaven and earth (like I haven't been doing that already) to pay her back.

I walked in the door and began going through the apartment turning things back on. I had come into this room and saw that the computer had not restarted itself. Since the "on" button has fallen inside the tower I had to take the side off of it to find the switch to push with my screw driver. Just as I had gotten it off and found the switch, the phone rang and it was my new friend Kenny on the other line. I have no idea what God intends for me to get out of this relationship with this guy but somehow he has made a connection with me that he seems to need as much I do. He began the conversation by asking me how my day had been and I replied truthfully, "It's been a day." He laughed and said, "Thank you for not saying that you were fine." I told him all that had transpired and instead of giving me the speech about being on my pity pot like one of the on-line members did this morning, he complimented me for staying real. Talking to him cheered me up. He was in route to the airport when he called. He's going to see his neice graduate. He says he'll call back later. I don't know if later means when he lands in California tonight or if it means later this week.

Elyce has called and has built me up, too. God loves me so much. He sends people to give me what I need when I need it. I am grateful.

Holding On

As sung by Carman

They said I'd never make it
They said I would not last a day
They said when things got heated up
I would get blown away

But I'm still here Lord
Still strong, and I'm still

Holdin' on (every day), holdin' on (everyway)
Holdin' on (every minute), Holdin' on (I'm still in it)
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand

They said I was too fragile
That livin' right was just a dream
They said I didn't have the stuff
To try and swim up stream

But I'm still here Lord
Still strong, and I'm still

Holdin' on (through the fire), holdin' on (I'm goin' higher)
Holdin' on (through the flood), Holdin' on (through the blood)
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand

Through the darkness, and through the night
I walk by faith and not by sight

Because I'm hangin' on to God's Word
Holdin' on for what I've heard
Thinkin' through the mind of Christ
Walkin' in the way that's right

His promises are true, His love is everlasting
His power is available only for the asking
When you sow the Word, faith is what you reap
You can be rough, tough, hard to bluff, if you keep

Holdin' on (every day), holdin' on (everyway)
Holdin' on (every minute), Holdin' on (I'm still in it)
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand



Yesterday the song that went through my head was "Rock Bottom" by Wynonna Judd. While it's not a bad song and it does give a lot of resolve to someone who is in dire straits as I am, I think this song has a more positive outlook. It is the song I awoke to this morning.

God has a sense of humor. The credit card came. But instead of being the $1500 credit line I was expecting it has $300. I find it funny because that is the amount I need to survive today, to cover the checks that were written and maybe do one or two things. It does not solve all my financial needs for the future but it solves the most immediate ones of today if I can access the money. No pin number was sent with it. It dawned on me when I received it and got over the initial shock that it was a very subtle reminder that I can only live in the present. The future isn't promised me. All I have is today.

I was able to use the card to put gas in my truck. I also went on and bought a week's worth of food for the cats and cat litter. I was able to make a cash withdrawal of $150 to help toward the two checks I wrote. Hopefully, nothing will bounce. I need groceries but I'm afraid to spend any more on this credit card. I'll max out soon.

Ever since I received it I've gotten pop ups about loans. I'm a little leary about putting my social security number and bank information out there on the web unless it is a secured site. What I really need is for to God to point me in the right direction for such a thing, like maybe "this is it!" in big letters.

I don't know. It's like I told my on-line Al-Anon group this morning. I need to only worry about today's problems. Today I covered checks that would have bounced. I bought cat food and cat litter that was desperately needed. I put gas in my truck so that I could make it to the 1:00 training in Columbia. All these other problems are future problems. I can't take care of them right now. I can feel anxiety welling up in me just from thinking about them. I have to leave these things in God's hands.

My sponsor e-mailed me one powerful sentence- "God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in your favor." That speaks volumes to me.

For the fourth day in a row around 3 o'clock in the morning I've been awakened to the feeling that someone, somewhere out there, is praying for me. It's a very blessed feeling to feel that loved. Who ever you are, I love you.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I actually spoke to Kenny on the phone last night. He is going to be an interesting person to know. I think I've got my ACIM study buddy and maybe my way of working on those issues that I could not work on with Al-Anon members. He's so open and able to talk about everything. Wow! To be that uninhibited. And for some reason he has it in his head that I'm as free and open as he is. Me? Oh, and it was me that called first. I just wanted to show him that I would. He'd e-mailed me his number twice. It sounded like something I needed to do. He called me right back and used up quite a few of his minutes.

Yesterday I spent just enough time in my mother's presence to feel small and insignificant. I've been worried enough about my situation that I really didn't need the guilt trip applied. She wondered out loud how much money she had invested in me over the years. It took me back to what she said 13 years ago when I moved back to help her out. At that time she said something about not doing a very good job of raising me because I could not stand on my own. I was in debt then, true enough- I have never been able to balance a check book- but I was never without a job. I have always tried to do for myself.

It's interesting that my mother can forget all the times I sunk entire paychecks into her home- remodeling, repairs- buying her groceries and paying her bills or the times I've dropped everything and physically come to her aid. She only remembers what went on during my marriage. If I asked for money at any time it was because I was at the end of my rope. Generally the times she got asked were due to my alcoholic's spending.

Oh, well, I pretty much shook off what she said and went on. But in the back of my mind I wondered if her words might trigger another bout of depression for me. I thought about the Four Agreements and heard Marian's voice in my ear, "Don't take it personal." So, I let it go. I did talk about how I was feeling about that conversation in the meeting last night. It was just Lois and I. I'm not sure I want to devulge a lot of information to her. I don't really trust her all that much but she's all there is right now.

There was supposed to be a new comer last night. An NA member called me from the meeting house yesterday afternoon while he was attending the business meeting and told me about his friend's mother. He asked if he could give her my phone number and if there was a meeting. No phone call thus far and she was not in attendence at the meeting. Oh, well. It wasn't meant to be. I don't think I'd have been much use to a newcomer right now any way.

This morning I have an appointment with Dr. Brann. I'm told there is a blood test that can check my hormone level. I'm kind of hoping that he finds something. This emotional roller coaster I'm on has slowed down enough for me to cope.

I think a part of why I am calm is that I finally let go of the situation that I'm in. I decided that I'd done all I could do and worrying about it only made it worse. It's funny that I did that the day before my friend sent me the one word advice "surrender."

I woke up again at 3:00 in the morning. I wonder who it is that has me in their thoughts this much? I know whomever it is loves like no one else does. This person has been lifting me up in prayer a lot lately because I can feel it. Elyce asked me how I could feel such a thing. It's hard to explain really but it's as if God is in the room with me, telling me that someone is praying to Him on my behalf. It's not the first time this has happened for me. I've had this feeling before. Back two years ago when the screaming started in my classroom and my childhood memories came back to haunt me, I went into an Al-Anon meeting and described what I was going through and asked for prayers. The next morning in the wee hours I felt God's presence in my bedroom. Someone was praying for me then, too. Who knows? It might be the same person who is praying for me this time but that is unlikely. The same people no longer come to meetings.

Linda has asked me to work on her family tree so that she can find out some things about herself. She's offered to pay me. I generally don't charge anything. I leave it up to the person I'm doing research for to decide how much my efforts are worth. It's ironic that she asks me to do this for her last night because this morning I look at my perpetual calendar and see:

"Other People can give you clues, but only you can solve the mystery that is you."

But I will do what I can for my friend. The research will help me get my focus back and keep me occupied.

Linda and I talked about my feelings regarding Mac. I do miss him and my feelings have been hurt. I don't know what I've done to disturb him so much. She's talked to him on the phone and via e-mail. She doesn't think his distance is totally related to me. I'm sure it's not but I'd still like to make things right between us. It hurts to lose friends. But it's ironic that Kenny steps into the picture at the time that Mac steps out. It's also ironic that my silent friend decides to answer an e-mail after so many have been sent. It gives me pause to think about so many things.

I believe I know these men for a reason. I talked about that last night with Lois. I think their presence in my life is to help me work through part of my program that the Al-Anons can not help me with. They are men, yes, but because they are gay or bi-sexual they present a safe means for me to work through my sexual issues without fear of becoming physically involved. Kenny also affords me the opportunity to have a study buddy in the synchronicity and mysticism field. It is what he pursues. Because he lives in a different place, I'm more apt to respect boundaries. Both of these topics are what Mac and I talked about a lot but he lost his focus. It was what I needed to talk to my other friend about, too, but I never felt that he welcomed my questions or my conversation about those areas. It was if he was struggling with those areas himself.

I've been watching The Stand over the course of the last few days. At first I drug it out because I needed to see something depicting the subject of dream interpretation and inner voice. But then something else dawned on me in relation to the character of Tom Cullen. I have been around mental illness and mental retardation all my life. It is what is familiar to me. It covered up my father's alcoholism so that I did not realize that he was an alcoholic until I came into
Al-Anon. But it also is what prevented me from seeing help at various times during my life. I did not want to be labeled as mentally ill. I know that I'm not mentally ill. I realize that I'm having a hard time coping with what is happening to me because I did not have healthy role models as a child in dealing with life's little crisis.

Watching the character of Tom in this movie showed me something important. His innocence protects his faith. So that even a crisis he maintains his faith. He trusts people, too, until they prove to be unworthy of his trust. I think that's what Jesus meant when he said you had to be like a child to go to heaven. The faith is pure and so is the trust. Maybe that is what this summer is all about for me.

My new friend, Kenny, is a hoot! His e-mails make me laugh. Apparently he's been placed in my life for a reason. I'm not sure if it is to teach or to learn. I think he lives in California judging from his phone number. I think he must live near the California/ Arizona state line. Yeah, we've exchanged phone numbers. It'll be interesting to see who calls whom first. Wait until he gets a load of my country drawl. It'll blow his mind!

Dr. Brann is still talking about fertility treatment! I couldn't believe it. Even after I told him that Joey and I were no longer married, he's still talking about me having a baby! What? Why on earth would I explore that? I'm not it a relationship of any kind right now and it really doesn't look like I'm about to start one any time soon. If he's talking about artificial insemination, I wouldn't be opposed to it but I'd like to know the donor rather than go to a stranger. By knowing the donor I'd at least be able to tell the child something about the father. But I'm not even considering it. This line of talk was almost as strange as the conversation I had with the deacon about annullment. I had not even worried about that because like I said I'm not dating anyone.

Dr. Brann did the routine pap smear. Oh, how I love hearing how small my cervex is because I haven't had a baby. (big eye roll on that one). He ordered some blood tests. I should hear about that in a few days. He also ordered a mammogram. Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Men invented that test. No woman in her right mind would invent a test that tortures women that badly. Oh, my God. Just thinking about it causes me to hurt. I go for that test on Friday morning at 8:00.

Lois took me to lunch after we had the bank add her to our Al-Anon account as treasurer and take Mary off. We went to the Hope House warehouse afterward. I can see some things I'd like to buy.

Mail has not run or I don't have any. I'm not sure which one. I am anxiously awaiting this credit card. I need to cover the checks I wrote last week.

Last night as I lay in bed crying and praying- I literally felt like I was hugging God's feet- something from one of the Touched by an Angel episodes came to me. It was about fear, trust, gratitude and letting go. I talk about it and I think I have a handle on this but I realized last night that I don't.

Fear rules my decisions. I'm like Charlie Brown. I have a fear of everything. I am so inhibited. I am so paranoid at times. I'm afraid of what others will say if I do this or that. When I tried to let go of that fear and became Xena, I was criticized for it and so I went back inside my shell. People do not realize how much their words hurt others. As humans we say what we say and then we walk away never realizing that the person our words landed on have held on to them. I look at the Four Agreements that I have taped to my wall. Number one kind of covers how I should speak to others - "Be impeccable in your words. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean." Number two always seems to jump off the page at me, too. "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is them." How easy that is for me to forget.

Trust comes hard for me. I pretty much raised myself. I learned to rely on no one but myself. Every now and then I would venture out toward others for help. Generally I did this when I was at the end of my rope. Most times I just did things myself or I did without. My motto was trust no one especially men. I chanced a lot when I hooked up with my alcoholic. I put all my eggs in one basket. In the back of my mind I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. I knew what was going to happen before it happened but I chose to forge ahead anyway, hoping that maybe I was wrong.

Twelve Step programs try to teach us that we can trust again. It says that you can learn trust through your sponsor. I haven't had a very good experience with sponsors since I've been in the program. The one I have now is pretty cool. She loves me. She thinks I'm brilliant. But unfortunately there are just some things I can not talk to her about. It's not from lack of trust. It's from knowing that she can't handle the truth about certain things.

I had built up a certain amount of trust in a few recovery buddies but I'm not so sure I trust them any more. They've pretty much turned their back on me. That pretty much proved to me what I came into the program believing. No one is trust worthy. When the chips are down they will leave. Then I look at the Four Agreements and I realize that it is not my insanity or depression that these people are dealing with, it's their own. I scare them because I serve as a mirror. But more than that I serve as a catalyst. They know they need to deal with their own issues. That's their insanity, not mine. I must deal with my own.

Trusting God is easier said than done. I have always believed in Him. I say that I know that He is in charge, that through Him all things are possible but I've never had to step out on that faith- put my money where my mouth is. Never have I ever hit such a bottom as the one I'm in now. In my heart I know I'm going to be okay. It's my mind I've had to convince. Yesterday I read that the longest distance is between our heart and our head. I believe that. The day before I read "Do I want the problem or the answer?" Of course, I want the answer. No one wants to hang on to a problem. And yet, I haven't let go of it. I've been so focused on all the "what if" scenerios that I've totally forgotten to say "Thank you." Even in making my gratitude list I have just given lip service. I had not internalised it. At three o'clock this morning something changed.

I felt as if I was being lifted up in prayer. I don't know who the person was but I could feel it. I began to recite the rosary to calm myself down. And in the dark of my room as I clung to God's feet, I poured out my heart. I'm so afraid to trust because I'm afraid that He will leave me, too. I thought to myself, "You will leave me like everyone else has." That's when I heard, "Everyone? Surely not everyone?" And it dawned on me, really dawned on me, that He was right. I have not been totally abandoned. I also heard, "I will never leave nor forsake you."

So I began to thank Him for all that I have. I have been blessed with a lot of things.

I have a roof over my head. Yes, to some it is a depressing hole in the wall but when I moved in here two years ago I felt blessed because I got to keep the same landlord which meant that I did not have to come up with extra money for a deposit. My rent actually went down rather than up. I was still within two blocks of the police station which for me was an added perk. None of my alcoholic's friends knew where I had moved and would not be able to bother me.

I have electricity. Because I was already an established customer I did not have to pay to have my services moved.

I have a telephone. I was able to reestablish service with Bellsouth even though I put them on my bankruptcy. I no longer had to have Global which is what the prison system uses. I had access to the internet and that has been a Godsend to me.

I have food in my kitchen. It's not a lot. My refrigerator and cabinets are not overflowing but I'm far from destitute. True enough I may not like what I have to eat on a given day but I am not going hungry. So what if no one asks me over to share a meal? I can provide for myself.

I have two cats. I may not have human companionship all the time but I am not lonely. One curls up next to me where ever I am sitting or lying down to keep me company.

I may have lost some of my friends but God has sent people when I need to talk or need companionship. The oddest array of people have come out of the woodwork. I have been blessed.

My biological family has weighed in also. My mother is not dead yet. She still loves me and calls to check on me throughout the day. She may not be able to clearly see all of my needs nor help me with them but she knows when I am in pain and sends her love.

I learned as I cried at God's feet that I am highly favored. Circumstances did not change drastically, my attitude did. I lost faith. This morning I regained a small smidgeon of it. I don't know how I will make ends meet but I do know that I will land on my feet. I will be taken care of and I will be okay.

I'm just hoping that I can carry this feeling of gratitude with me through out the day. Depression creeps up on me so quick sometimes and I have a hard time shaking it off.

I feel the need to unburden myself so that someone, anyone knows what's going on here. I'm very much at peace with myself. I stumbled upon Lesson 47 of A Course in Miracle. I'd say it was an accident or a coincidence but one thing I've learned in the last few months is that nothing happens by coincidence. It says, "God is the stength in which I trust." When you hear of the heavy burden I carry you will understand in full why I've been so anxious.

First, my friend Linda's check did make it here. I am eternally grateful for whatever anyone sends my way. She sent a check for $100. It is but a drop in the bucket for what I need but it will help. So, I will not fail to acknowledge her sacrifice.

Here's the picture:

As a teacher a certain amount of money is taken out of my paycheck every month and put into an account at the credit union toward the summer months. We have access to it of course and can take money out from time to time. Because my black truck died I had to find transportation for myself. I took on a car payment in July, using a 401k I cashed in to do so. It was my only solution. I have no family who will or can help with transportation. My ride to and from school last year was no longer a viable solution and I was afraid to ask anyone else. So, I became saddled with an extra expense with the permission of the bankruptcy trustee of course.

Well, you see when the price of gas rose so much it ate away at my budget. The money that would have gone toward the car note went to gas. I had no other source of income. I had to take money out from the summer account to keep myself with transportation. With no transportation I would have found it impossible to get to work. Without my job I couldn't pay my bills.

So, here I sit with no summer money left. I took the last of it out at the end of May because my paycheck was short due to an oversight on my part. I used too many personal days and was docked a day's pay.

I've spent the first week that school was out resting because I knew that no one would be hiring during the Memorial Day holiday. The last two weeks I've gone on interviews, put in applications and had a doctor's appointment that was very important. But none of these things put money in my account.

I wrote a check for $35 at Centerstone, hoping money would arrive to be deposited to cover it. I wrote a check for $200 so that I'd be able to start my truck and thus make it to the training classes for my new job that I start on Tuesday.

Now, there's also the IRS amount of $150 that is supposed to arrive at their Atlanta headquarters on the 20th that I also don't have. Then, there's $243 for my bankruptcy fee that needs to be paid twice this month. My electric bill is due on the 19th. It amounts to $121 and my phone bill hasn't arrived yet. Then at the end of the month there is $300 in rent due and another $200 payment for the truck. Now I haven't mentioned gas, food for me, food for the cats and money for laundry. And, oh yeah, I still owe Gibson Brothers almost $1800 for the repairs to the black truck that does not run and I'm told need a new transmission. So, you see things aren't going well for me.

My heart tells me that God is going to take care of this. That what I need will appear when I need it. But I have a problem with that blind faith. What will I do in the event that it doesn't appear? I have nowhere to go if I am unable to pay my rent. I have no means of transportation to get to the training class if the truck should be taken. I also have no way of getting to said job in Lewisburg if I have no transportation. See, I told you that it doesn't take much for me to slip back into the Doubting Thomas role.

So, you see I really do have some things to be anxious about. I'm at my absolute rock bottom. I don't understand how anyone can tell me that I have little to be worried about. How could anyone hear all of that and not be worried?

I have thought about that credit card that I took on back on the 7th. It was supposed to take 7-10 days to arrive here. It's not here yet. I'm hoping that it comes on Monday. To tell you the truth it was an all out miracle that I received that in the mail and qualified for it. I believe that had God's hand on it.

Right now I'm almost numb with calmness. I really am at peace with myself. But maybe that is more resolution to my fate than anything. I will have to make do on whatever will come. It's just not what I'm used to doing. I've always relied on my own ingenuity, my own resourcefulness. Now, I'm having to rely totally on God. This is my test of absolute faith. It just doesn't seem quite right that it should be such a severe test. But then I am hard headed.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just needed to unburden my soul in a calm way. I know I've been whining a lot lately and I guess I just needed someone to hear why.

To top it all off I learned that my sponsor had one of her son's teach her how to block e-mail. I hate to be paranoid but I'm wondering now if it is my mail that she wishes to block. I genuinely hope not. It would absolutely kill me to know that my sponsor needs to detach that much from me.

We had a guest speaker last night at our Al-Anon meeting. It was a lady that I met two years ago when I went to the Al-Anon convention in Nashville. I remembered her for two reasons- she crochets and she broke down and cried at the banquet dinner. Until she spoke last night I did not realize how well she remembered me. Apparently I had made an impact on her because I am one of three women she believes she owes a debt of gratitude to. Me? I don't know what I did really except talk to her.

There were only four of us present to hear her speak and that is kind of sad. But I believe the people who were supposed to be there were there.

We had a brief business meeting afterwards. Lois stood for treasurer. I'm not sure that this is such a good idea but maybe it will help her in her program. We'll see. I explained to those present how uncomfortable it is for me to be carrying around group money right now. I'm an honest person but I don't trust myself. I'm in dire straits financially and carrying around money that belongs to someone else is too much temptation.

I noticed that the drama king Bobby is back in the building. I'm not sure if he's there to spy for someone or if he's back hob nobbing with Mac. Either way it can't be a good thing. But I won't become paranoid. I'm just going to pray for angels to surround the building. If he's spying for William he did not see anything worth reporting. If he's back to running around with Mac, Mac will be drunk soon. Maybe a relapse is what is needed for him.

I did e-mail Mac last night when I got home. Apparently I am not to be forgiven for anything. It must be nice to wake up in the morning feeling THAT powerful- to know all the answers, to be sure of everything, to feel all important... But I do miss my friend pretty badly. Only Ann is talking to me right now.

I have an interview at another school in the area at 10:00. Maybe it will be okay. To tell you the truth I'm a little tired of doing these things. I'm not too sure about this interview. It's between me and two other people. She even offered me an assistant position. The high school is a bust. My highly qualified papers are only good for K-8th grade. I'd have to pay to take a test to even be considered for that job. I don't even have the money for a coke let alone to take a test! I haven't heard back from Elkton Elementary. Impact may be the window of opportunity opening for me. Or I may have to go back to Highland Park.

I need to call Impact and make sure where and when it is that I am to report for training. In the back of my mind I have Tuesday at 1:00 fixed in there. But that can't be right. I called them and Lynn's going to call me back on Monday. I don't understand why I can't have answers now.

I may also have to call the IRS and tell them I'm going to be late with that payment. There may also have to be a phone call made to the bankruptcy trustee about my payment to them, too. Gibson Brothers need to be called and the truck needs to be brought here. How I hate doing all that talking! I don't want to have to explain anyting.

My perpetual calendar reminds me:

How rich are those who choose to see the beauty in all people and all circumstances.

Then I also received this:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

I can change only myself, but sometimes that is enough.
--Ruth Humlecker

Happiness is more fleeting for some of us than for others. We may ponder this notion but fail to grasp the reason. However, careful attention to how "the happy ones" go through life will enlighten us. We will note how seldom they complain about others' actions. We will discover their willingness to accept others as they are. We will see that their attention is generally on the positive aspects of people and circumstances rather than on the negative.

We can join the parade of "happy ones" by letting go of our need to change people and situations that disturb us. Even when we are certain other people are wrong, we can let go of controlling them. Doing this means changing ourselves, of course. But this is the one thing in life we do have control over.

I will change myself if I think something needs changing today!

I guess I need to rethink my opinon about all the people and circumstances that I mentioned previously. I don't dislike anyone. I've just lost my trust in myself and others. I'm barely holding on to faith in God right now. As I see it, He is the only being capable of anything right now.

Last night I really did a number on my computer. The "on" button fell inside the tower. I have no clue how it happened or how to fix it. I guess my computer will just remain on or I can unplug it every night.

I don't know what to do about a lot of things and I'm sick of worrying about them. They are in God's hands and they'll have to stay there because right now I am truly powerless over anything. My life really is unmanagable.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Awakenings AFG, Ann, Apples and Cinnamon flavored oatmeal (even if it is low sugar and tastes horrible)
B- Barbara A., Barry, Birds singing outside my window, bath tubs, beds
C- Couch, cats, computer, CAL
D- Daily readings
E- E-mail
F- Faith
G- God, grace
H- Hope
I- Internet, interviews
J- Job
K- Kenny
L- Lois, Linda
M- Mom, Marian
N- Notes of inspiration taped or tacked to my wall
O- On-line friends
P- Perseverence
Q- Quiet meditation
R- Ruby
S- Susan, speaker meetings
T- Transportation
V- Vision
W- Willingness
X- Xena (I'm still looking for her)
Y- Yahoo
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (I'm so tired)

I pray and pray. My answer is always the same, "Wait". But He also keeps pointing back to the same dead end. He keeps pointing me toward a person who isn't talking to me any more. This person has no answers for me. Maybe it's just that misery loves company. Or maybe I just need to get my books back from him.

I've checked out books about miracles today. I sure am praying for one. Around 4:00 I'm going to go write this check for my truck. I pray that it will not bounce. I'm praying with all my might that Linda's check gets here today or tomorrow to cover anything that will be or has been written.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about that man Job from the Old Testament. He had a lot of faith. I wish I had as much faith as he did. I'm a work in progress I guess. I just feel so utterly hopeless this morning because the light is already blinking red on the security box beneath the dashboard.

I don't consider myself a dishonest person. I try to abide by the rules. But I've been in desperate situations before and I know what I'm capable of doing. Sometimes it's minor- rearranging money (robbing Peter to pay Paul so to speak), borrowing money and then repaying it. Those are fairly honest things to do. But, oh my goodness I feel like I'm doing a 5th step here, there was a time when I was in such dire straits that I wrote checks knowing I had no money and I once took one of my mother's credit cards to help pay bills. Thankfully the credit card was no good and I never had to go to jail for the bounced checks. I always made good on them.

Here I sit with no money coming in. I've already written a $35 check to Centerstone for that visit and I may have to write another $200 check just to keep the truck running. The amount that Linda is sending will cover both of them if the checks don't get deposited before her money gets here. She said it's going out in the mail today. The Centerstone check won't be deposited until Monday. I may be able to just barely make it. But, oh, how this scares me.

I'm also holding the treasury for my home group here. In that lies the money I need. It would be dishonest to take it. But I really hate to have it in my possession. I don't trust myself, you see.

I'm grateful that my mother's financial situation is taken care of and that she willingly puts gas in my truck for taking her on her errands. It's actually cheaper for her to help me than to take a cab. I just hate shopping with her. Here we are buying her groceries and I have very few for myself. She never thinks to invite me over to eat with them. I'd have a problem with going because I'd have to clean her home before I'd sit down. God, how I hate feeling this way about my family! I just can't take care of them. I can't do all that everyone wants me to do. I was hoping she'd get a cleaning person and one to transport her places out of all these case workers. She desperately needs the help and I'm not the one to do it any more. I'm barely able to take care of me these days.

I have to keep telling myself what that 14th century mystic, Julia of Norwich, said, "All is well. And all shall be well." Today I feel like everything is far from well. I feel like I need someone to be in the company of today because I don't want to be alone. And I've got to keep myself together because tonight we have a speaker coming for our Al-Anon group. I'm the only who she really knows. I hate being put in that position, too. I want to just be a regular Al-Anon member who shows up like everyone else. I don't want the responsibility for a group. I just can't do this any more.

Time to do a gratitude list before I get any more depressed.

A- Angels ( I think mine are working over time), air conditioning (last year I did without it because it was broken)
B- Bellsouth (they haven't cut my phone off yet)
C- Computer, cats (even though they won't let me sleep in), clean clothes
D- DVDs (since I've let my cable go they're all I have for entertainment)
E- E-mail, Elyce
F- Fatih (even though mine is waning)
G- God, grace, gratitude
H- Hope (even though I really feel like Pandora right now), Holly for telling me about the Dalia Lama
I- Internet
J- Julia of Norwich, job (I grateful to have one to start next week)
K- Kenny
L- Linda, Lois (she taught me how to do stain glass pictures last night)
M- Mom (for putting up with my sour disposition), Marian
N- Nickels (I'm cashing in mine along with all the pennies I have)
O- Outdoors (It's not gotten too hot yet), options, opportunies
P- Potted meat ( they make pretty good sandwiches)
Q- Quiet time to pray and meditate
R- Radio, rain (we desperately need some.), rosary prayers
S- Synchronicity, serenity, sanity
T- Truck ( I hope I can keep it)
U- Unconditional love
V- Vibrator ('nuff said)
W- Willingness to listen, to hope, to have faith, to learn
X- Xena (where is she when I need her?)
Y- Yahoo
Z- ZZZZ (yesterday I took 3 naps and still slept through the night)

Well, I feel a little better now. God sent me a message after this was written. (It's not the first time this message has been sent to me and it probably won't be the last. I'm a little hard headed.) So, I need to add that I am thankful for my circumstances, also.


-----Thorns..... Thank You Lord


Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy.

This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.


"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I. . .I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.

"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched – was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with, uh. . .She left with no flowers!" "That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special.' I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "Why? Why me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement. . .twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"

"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too. . .fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" "Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read: “My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns. God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.

"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God."