Dawson's Creek strikes again. I watched an episode today and I could totally identify with Jen Lindley. The part of the outsider really is the part I play the best but I saw a little of me in Andie McFee today, too.

Friendships aren't really working out. I don't feel as if I have any friends. Jen had very few friends. She walked into Capeside and became the 4th wheel to the whole Pacey, Joey, Dawson triangle until Andie and Jack moved to town. Jack, who was struggling with his sexuality, became Jen's best friend. He gravitated to her because she had a past and was the most open minded. Andie became the group's mascot. She was the neurotic one, the basket case, the OCD perfectionist. She was harder on herself than anyone ever could be and these four- Pacey, Joey, Dawson and, yes, Jen- understood her need to be loved and accepted for who she was, neurosis and all.

The DVDs I am watching show their senior year of high school. Someone from Jen's past has breezed into town just as she has almost put her past behind her. And her world turns upside down but in the end she gets the therapy she needs. She's being made to address some skeletons in her closet. Oddly enough it is Andie's experience with psychiatrists that has paved the way for Jen but it is the bad boy from her past that served as the catalyst.

Jen becomes ostracized by her best friend, Jack, who is giving her the silent treatment. Sounds familiar. Andie is watching her makeshift family of friends be at each other's throats and die. Sounds very familiar, too.

And that's just one part of my life these days.

School is a little chaotic. It will eventually iron itself out. I'm getting to know my assistants and the kids. They are getting to know me. I'm learning how this county operates. I'm learning how to relate to different staff people. The nurse and I will be off kilter for a little while but I feel that we can be direct with each other. Before it's all over I believe she will step down. I don't think she knew what she was getting into when she took this job and it has nothing to do with me.

I've already had a few anxious moments. The nurse's attitude toward my students amazes me. She is ready to ignore the law and dump all of the medication and feeding responsibilities of one of the wheel chair students in my lap. I am very uncomfortable with that and I've told her directly how I feel. I actually had a nonviolent confrontation. I'm rather proud of myself over that. I had the distinct displeasure of the returning assistant going behind my back with a complaint to the principal on just the second day of us working together. I learned today that she asked for a transfer out of my classroom. I'd already figured that one out. What surprised me was the principal's reaction. She'd already anticipated this before school started.

I really like the principal. She has a lot of moxy. Did I spell that correctly? I feel like I've finally come full circle with this one. It will be okay. Now if I can just get enough materials in that classroom and get these kids under control. I'm like Jennifer, they've had too much robotic training. I think if we can get some fun up in that room the sky's the limit!

Biological family causing problems. I feel very disconnected. It's almost like I have no family at all any more. I've been accused of turning my back on them while trying to pursue a life of my own. I voiced that to some recovery buddies. Wow, did I get a reaction out of Kenny! Finally someone who understands the anger and resentment that I feel. Then Linda weighed in. She understands the hurt feelings and the guilt that I carry. But then, they are both children of alcoholic parents. They grew up with similiar situations. I sometimes think I need to be in a group for adult children of alcholics.

Then there's Mark. He is the one person in my home group who I can identify with in that aspect and he showed up for the meeting last night. Apparently there are only a few of us he is comfortable talking to- Kathy and me. Last night he came to hear Jerry speak. He lingered for the first time after the meeting to visit. He needed talk time so I sat with him. My sponsor joined us. Sometimes wish he weren't married. But he is and that is a definite boundary. But he wouldn't be someone I'd hook up with. He's not my type. He's a little too isolating. But as a friend I think he'd be okay.

As far as my personal life goes- I don't have one. Wish I did. I could use friends. I'm waiting until payday. The weekend afterward I'm going to Huntsville to spend time with my sista in the program, Linda. I'm going to help her get in touch with her roots. We'll be researching in the genealogy department of the Huntsville Public Library. It's part of her 4th Step. I love Linda. She is trully the sister I never had. But I'd like to have someone closer to home to hang out with. No one seems to want to hang out with me. Apparently I have the plague because I've been very depressed lately. Makes me feel worse than I already did, but maybe all of that will change. I am beginning to make a few friends where I work and around church.