The topic for my on-line Al-Anon group this week is "Life changes as recovery begins." This is my share:

I was thinking about this topic and at first I thought I had nothing to share. The alcoholic that brought me into the program wound up relapsing and in prison. I hear he's working a progam from there now. Who knows? Maybe it will work for him this time. Anyway I guess when I read the topic yesterday I thought we were supposed to share about life changing from the stand point of our alcoholic working a program of recovery. But that didn't make sense because the newcomer's welcome told me that I was not in Al-Anon for the alcoholic but because of the alcoholic.

So I thought about the word recovery. What am I recovering? Myself. How did life begin to change as I recovered myself? First I thought about something I heard in a movie once that might apply to how I felt at the beginning. It's a classic line from As Good as it Gets. Jack Nicholson comes out of the psychiatrist office after trying to worm his way into a session without an appointment. He stops short in the waiting room and looks at the people there and says, "What if this is as good as it gets?" He's made what he calls minor changes but in terms of how it affects him in the movie the changes are monumental. That's the way it was for me at the beginning. I made those minor changes and wondered if I was doing something wrong. I did not see the change in me as quickly as others did.

Yesterday I was feeling a little disconnected with how my life was going. For just the briefest of moments I missed my alcoholic. I was focused on what might have been rather than what was. Then my Higher Power reminded me what it was like in that dark forest. Thinking about what might have been or the what if of it all was how I lost myself in the first place. I learned that I could not change him or the situation but I could change how I reacted to it. I began to focus on what I had rather than what I didn't have. Gratitude changed my attitude.

Now I guess I think in terms of a Barry Manilow song. His song, All the Time, speaks about wasted time. The line I hear this morning in my head is "...to think I had it all, all the time..." When I lost myself I could not see the forest for the one tree. I could not see all the wonderful things that were around me because I was so focused on the problem. I could not see that I had it all. I wanted what I didn't have with my alcoholic. I could not be content unless he was. I didn't understand that part in our closing that says that we "can find happiness and contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not..." It took a long time to see that happiness and contentment began with me. It did not hinge on him at all. To think I had it all inside of me all the time.


All the Time

As sung by Barry Manilow

All the time I thought there's only me
Crazy in a way that no one else could be
I would have given everything I own
If someone would have said "you're not alone"

All the time I thought that I was wrong
Wanting to believe but needing to belong
If I'd've just believed in all I had
If someone would have said "you're not so bad"

CHORUS
All the time, all the wasted time
All the years waiting for a sign
To think I had it all
All the time

All the time I thought there's only me
Crazy in a way that no one else could be
I can't believe that you were somewhere, too
Thinking all the time there's only you

CHORUS


Touch down Tennessee! My friend isn't going to do any jail or prison time. He's got probation! I am so relieved. It bothered me tremendously to see such a gentle, loving man have to pay the rest of his life for what amounted to an accident. Now, if he can only forgive himself, he can start truly living again.