I think I must have my muse back. I'm connecting songs together in my head. As I was riding home today in Nashville traffic, Carrie Underwood's "So Small" came on the radio and it put me in mind to two other songs. Their connected by a single theme- climbing mountains or the struggle to get ahead. Actually, I think the songs could cover a host of metaphors.

I’m Tryin’

As sung by Trace Adkins

This gettin up early, pulling double shifts,
Gonna make an old man of me long before I ever get rich.
But I'm tryin
It's been two years since we've finalized,
I still ain't used to puttin ex in front of wife.
But I'm tryin.
Send more money right away, is pretty much all she has to say when she
Calls these days and don't you be late

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

I remember daddy sayin keep your eye on the ball, run like hell, play to win,
Get up when you fall
I'm tryin
Don't say nothin that you can't take back
Never do anything you might regret
No don't do that
Daddy I'm tryin
Know the difference between heaven and hell
Go easy on the bottle be hard on yourself
And I know he meant well

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

There's always a mountain in front of me
Seems I'm always climbin and stumblin
And then fallin'
And then climbin'
But I keep on tryin'

This gettin up early pullin double shifts
Gonna make an old man of me
Long before I ever get rich
But I'm tryin'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Climb

As sung by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So Small"
As sung by Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah

[Verse 1]
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

[Chorus]
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Yeah, Yeah

The other day I was listening to the radio in my truck while I maneuvered through Nashville traffic and I found myself thinking that the song "You Found Me" by Fray was very similar to another that I had used in my journaling a few years back. I had to go looking for the name of the song. When I finally found it I couldn't help thinking that "Torn" by Natalie Imburglia was very similar in thought as well as lyrics. See what you think.

Fray: You Found Me Lyrics

Songwriters: King, Joseph; Slade, Isaac;

I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
where the west was all but one.
All alone,
smoking his last cigarette,
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything."

Where were you
when everything was falling apart?
All my days,
spent by the telephone.
that never rang.
All i needed was a call
that never came.
The corner of First and Amistad...

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
just a little late...
You found me, you found me

In the end,
everyone ends up alone.
Losing her,
the only one who's ever known
who i am, who im not, and who i wanna be.
no way to know
how long she will be next to me...

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me.
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded.
why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late,
You found me, you found me.

Early morning,
city breaks.
I've been calling
for years and years and years and years.
and you never left me no messages;
never sent me no letters;
you've got some kind of nerve
taking all of our world.

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me.
lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Were were you? Where were you?
Just a little late,
you found me, you found me.

Why'd you have to wait,
To find me?
To find me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Natalie Imbruglia Torn Lyrics

Songwriters: Cutler, Scott Michael;Preven, Anne;Thornalley, Phil

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care what your heart is for
Well I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

Torn

hoooooooooo hoohooooooo oooooooo

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn

Torn
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)
Hoh

Well, I've got a new opportunity. A second chance, or maybe it's my third. I've actually lost count. At any rate it's an opportunity to reinvent myself, to start over. I've got a new job (still in my field of special education but without all the responsibility I once had).

I've moved to Columbia. I have acquaintances here. I know the town. Still I find myself feeling a little lonely tonight. Hopefully it will pass.

It's been a while since I've blogged. Is "blogged" a word?

I've been preoccupied with my online courses. After I've been staring at the screen, reading the articles that have been assigned or typing in my responses, my eyes need a break.

But the real reason is that I've been working on myself- keeping my own counsel. Some might say I was isolating. They might we right. I don't know. I just felt like so much was expected of me. No matter how much I shared my feelings with family, friends, recovery buddies or my therapist, it was like everyone just passed right over them like they were unfounded.

My Al-Anon literature reminds me that "It is important to be reminded that feelings aren’t facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of reality." That's from:
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, p. 90 Still the feelings I felt seemed real. I felt like a failure because I'd lost my teaching job. It wasn't enough to feel angry or to even justify my anger by stating several truths- my tenure was not transferred to to an oversight (I could have kept my job), the assistants in the classroom took over with encouragement from the principal (neither knew a thing about special education), etc.

All I heard or saw in my head was that I had had a nervous breakdown four years ago when that screaming meanie hit my classroom and that I had never recovered. My therapist told me that there was no such thing as a nervous breakdown. She also passed over the information I gave her when I decided to share my Al-Anon story with her. All she heard was the rejection that I had experienced over and over. We attempted to do a new kind of therapy - I think it was called EMDR- where I would share a feeling or memory and she would take me to a place of relaxation in my head to eliminate it. Then she decided that we should try something else. There were also times when she took phone calls during my session because she felt comfortable enough with me that she felt I wouldn't mind. Needless to say I don't go any more.

The doctor from Centerstone did listen to me when I spoke of needing a medicine change. I've gone from Celexa to Welbutrin. I feel more myself. Although I was having trouble sleeping and found myself blowing up at stupid stuff. Sometimes I forget to take my medication- it's for twice a day. Freudian slip? I don't think so. I think I've moved beyond needing it. Maybe I'm delusional.

Friends? Not sure I have true friends. I have well meaning friends. They try to solve my problems, take me on as their charity or want to take care of me. I can care of myself!!! I only want someone to listen.

I fare better when talking to recovery buddies who've been in the program a while. My group has too many newcomers. I feel overwhelmed and that old "Controzilla" rears her ugly head. Thank you, Paradox, for the nickname. I try to get to meetings with my sponsor's group. More program people there. It helps. Can't get there often.

Family members rely to heavily on me or have unrealistic expectations. Forget sharing with them. We've had a few health scares. Mom had to have her heart shocked back into rhythm and Barry actually had a seizure (his first) due to his having depleted his sodium level. My feelings of self-pity and depression actually took a backseat because I was needed. That wasn't such a bad thing. But it is what got me into the codependent situation to begin with. I've had to work on balance.

I've gravitated more toward the God of my understanding. I think that's a good thing. When I'm in the zone I feel so much better. I remember that I'm loved and that the only expectation He has of me is to reflect His love to Him and others. That gives me the ability to love myself. I don't hear the self-hate tapes playing and I can get through the day. But I have my slips. That's when it's important to really concentrate on that still quiet voice. Songs come to me or bits of poetry. The latest song I hear is "You Raise Me Up" although in my mind I heard "Lift Me Up". So, I had to go searching from the lyrics. Thank you, Google!

I have good news to share. I'm over half way through my graduate courses. My grades are actually pretty good. Better than I expected. I have a job opportunity. I go to Nashville to finalize the paperwork. So, I'll be moving soon. To me this means a fresh start, a clean slate. I think maybe I can do this. I've just got to work on silencing those self-hate tapes. Like I said I have slips.


You Raise Me Up Lyrics
As sung by Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.