Don't Stand So Close to Me

As sung by the Police

Young teacher, the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be
Inside her there's longing
This girl's an open page
Book marking - she's so close now
This girl is half his age

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes it's not so easy
To be the teacher's pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, she's waiting
His car is warm and dry

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Loose talk in the classroom
To hurt they try and try
Strong words in the staffroom
The accusations fly
It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by Nabakov

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me

Today is my mother's birthday. Happy birthday, Mom! She called this morning at 6:00 to tell me that we were having school today - no more ice on the roads. I sang "Happy Birthday" to her. Each of her siblings except Uncle Steve who is in the psych unit of the VA hospital called to extend birthday wishes. For so many years it was she who called them and they never remembered her. I guess my dropping the rope finally got her family to acknowledge hers and Barry's existance. How sad.

It reminds me of these people I work with who act as if they can catch what the disabled child has. Did you know that autism is contagious? How about Down's Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy?

The real deal is that we exclude or ostracize people when they are different from us or have some unique thing that makes them stand out. I've been treated that way a time or two, haven't you? I know that I've judged people before I got to know them. I think it's human nature. But the way I look at it now is that people are people. Why not just let them be? Thanks, Depeche Mode.

I got my final evaluation from the principal today. I got the big thumbs up. I also got to run my ideas for next year by her while I had her ear. I figure it's time to go on the offensive.

I've got two pies and a present wrapped for Linda's bithday to take down tomorrow for the Al-Anon convention in Huntsville. I guess I need to find out if Jane is driving her car or truck to see how much I need to downsize. We leave tomorrow afternoon. Marian will be attending on Saturday with Mona. Yay! I'm glad that Marian is coming. I just love her! I'm not so sure about Mona though. I don't think she likes me at all. I don't look like her friends do- not thin enough. Nefertiti is supposed to be calling her sponsor to see if they might be able to come down on Saturday- I won't hold my breath. Ruby called tonight to see if I was going to a meeting at the Betterway House. I just told her the truth- I never intend to go back there if I can help it. While I was at it I told her of the convention, too. I think it will be a fun time.

The paradox isn't going. I wish he'd change his mind. But I figured he wouldn't go any way. Now I'm wondering if he isn't because his mother and sister are. Too bad. There's a twist to all the e-mail going through here. For some reason the insert address keeps slipping down to the wrong names and he's gotten e-mail meant for Linda a time or two. The first time I didn't think much of it but this time I took notice. Thankfully there wasn't anything embarrassing in it. Whew! Gotta be more careful.

School is out! They say that there is ice on the roads. I doubt it is all over, just in places. But nonetheless we are out! Good thing, too. I'm sick. As soon as I saw that we were out I went back to bed. I've only been back up about 30 minutes. I've started laundry and checked my e-mail.

I've been trying to stay busy. My thoughts keep me hopping. I've been trying to block certain thoughts. I'm not so sure I have control over that. I just pray to have them removed.


Obsession

As sung by Animotion

You are an obsession
I cannot sleep
I am a possession
Unopened at your feet
There is no balance
No equality
Be still
I will not accept defeat

I will have you
Yes I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterfly
A wild butterfly
I will collect you and capture you

You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

I feed you I drink you
My day and my night
I need you I need you
By sun or candlelight
You protest you want to leave
Stay there's no alternative

Your face appears again
I see the beauty there
But I see danger
Stranger beware
A circumstance in your naked dreams
Your affection is not what it seems

You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

My fantasy has turned to madness
All my goodness has turned to badness
My need to possess you has consumed my soul
My life is trembling I have no control

I will have you
Yes I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterfly
A wild butterfly
I will collect you and capture you

You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
(repeat and fade)



I Try to Think About Elvis

As sung by Patty Loveless


I try to think about Elvis
Memphis
Oprah in the afternoon
I try to think about palm trees
Fig leaves
The creature from the black lagoon
I try to think about high heels
And good deals
Anything to get me through
I just can't concentrate
You're all I think about these days

I try to contemplate the cosmos
What goes
Round and round the sky at night
I try to think about champagne
Freight trains
Slowly rolling out of sight
I try to focus on the headlines
Street crimes
Everytime I think I might
I just can't concentrate
You're all I think about these days

My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what I should say
I forget what I should do

My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what I should say
I forget what I should do

I try to think about Shakespeare
Leap year
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones
I try to think about hair-do's
Tattoos
Sushi bars and saxophones
I try to think about the talk shows
New clothes
But I guess I should have known
I just can't concentrate
You're all I think about these days
You're all I think about these days

My sense of the conscious contact with a Higher Power described in Step Eleven has changed over time. Sometimes my contact seems to come from a place many call intuition, with which I make choices based on a strong feeling or hunch. Sometimes my contact comes from a source that doesn't necessarily feel rational, explainable, or contained by thoughts and words. Many times the seemingly random suggestions and answers that come to me from my Higher Power don't have an obvious source at all.
Hope for Today, p. 93, copy right 2002, Limited use with express written permission, AFG, Inc.


A few years back I wound up in therapy with the same couselor that my ex and I had gone to for marriage counseling. It was an odd experience with this woman. During the time I knew her as a marriage counselor she did some very unorthodox things. For example, after the first and only session with my husband in attendence, she called me on the telephone and told me to get out of that marriage. She had seen my husband's true colors.

Of course, I ignored the woman's advice and tried to succeed in something that was meant for failure. When I wound up in her care later when my nerves were raw and I was falling apart I wasn't sure whether she was right for me. I talked about everything except what I had come to her for. I'm pretty sure she saw through me. Her Higher Power was probably guiding her, too.

The one thing I got out of those sessions was a little more self-esteem. She encouraged me to trust my instincts, my intuition. She told me to just step out on faith and go with what my perception was telling me no matter how crazy it seemed. She also dismissed me from her services, saying that I no longer needed her.

Needless to say, my world got really crazy after that. Obstacles of every imaginable kind rose up in my path. Some came in the form of my profession, where I told the principal what she could do with my teaching job. Some came in the form of transportation falling apart. Others came in the form of people and my reaction to them.

I know now that the obstacles came because I was being pulled closer to my Higher Power. Some obstacles were of my own making because I fought what my intuition was telling me. I wasn't ready to step out in faith.

Last year that all changed. Yes, I am in therapy again with a different counselor but she helps me to keep my focus and provides some balance to my crazy world. She, too, believes that I do not need her services but I disagree.

Just as the reading I chose today, I am sent into some bizarre places when I follow my intuition. Sometimes the things that come to me as guidance make absolutely no sense at all and I think that I'm going crazy. With a family history of mental illness I really do worry about my sanity. So, I need people to help me make sense of what my perception tells me.

I read a lot. I've stumbled onto books, or been led to them, that show people who have experienced the same phenomenon that I have. I don't feel so odd any more. But I will say that it is hard not to jump in and show others the light or to steer them in a particular way because I can see that they are heading for disaster. I have to remember that they may be just as hard headed as I am. Perhaps their Higher Power intends for them to struggle a little, just as I did, so that they will be moved to ask for help.

Who am I?

The perpetual calendar today addresses that question, or rather, it offers some advice on the subject.

Take some time to find out
who you really are.
Listen to your heart,
and then give thanks
for all there is to experience,
for all there is to learn.

I'll tell you one thing for certain. I'm glad I am where I am in life right now even with all the uncertainty. I would not go backwards to relive anything.

I have been watching and listening to the ladies that work in my classroom. I have nothing in common with any of them. I no longer have the chip on my shoulder that comes from having to prove myself. My record speaks for itself in Special Education. I do not have to prove that I know my stuff, my actions tell that for me as do the opinions of those who know me. I no longer feel the need to constantly correct people or to put on a show. I know that I have no control over anything but myself and these women still have this to learn.

One of my wheelchair students withdrew today. Her mother came in with such a long face that I knew that something was wrong. She looked as if she wanted to cry. She so wanted Samantha to stay in my care. She had battled for so long to get her transferred to my class while we were still in Maury County. I pointed out to her as she left that at least she was going back to a place that had equipment where I had not had any all year. She just shook her head and commented that equipment is nothing without a program. She hugged all of us and she was gone.

First I loose Q and now I've lost Sammy. I'll miss her almost as much as I miss him. But I have a feeling that this family will eventually return. Our paths did not cross by accident.

"If you keep exposing your mind
to positive thinking,
sooner or later
you're going to catch it."

So says the perpetual calendar this morning. It kind of reminds me of "think happy thoughts". I'm not sure what fairy tale or childhood story that is from but I think there's a lot of merit to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost


******************************

Robert Frost: The Road Taken

The poet stopped on the edge of night,
And the road through dark wound on.
Black trees arose; the wind was still;
Blind skeletal walls inched over the hill
In the mole-gray dawn.

He though of the way by which he had come,
Mastered through long years-
Tangles of form and substance, dense
Thickets past which with experience
A writer steers.

He gazed beyond the familiar night
On the reasons reason curbs-
Adjectives which say too little,
Adverbs that flare, or with dust settle
On shining verbs.

A dim house ahead, a journey completed,
Out of darkness, dawn.
The blind walls move; his words awaken
Here on the page; and the road taken
Winds on.

William Jay Smith

**************************

Robert Frost Discovers Another Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a wood
As though in argument.
I had to keep going on one
To get to the end of a scent
That a nostril had begun,
But I picked out the no good.

What did it lead me to?
The old moose chewing her teat.
Still I’m bound to put up with Fate
Despite that aftermath.
I’d hold out for some kind of path
Under a body’s feet.

X. J. Kennedy

Any time we step out of the box, our comfort zone, our path takes a different turn. I think there are many forks in the road not just one. If Robert Frost only had one fork to stand in front of to make a choice, he should have considered himself lucky. I've had many.

"Today I will judge nothing that happens."

That's what the lesson from ACIM is about today. I want to know how you do that. I mean we judge our experiences every day. It's why we have five senses.

You taste things. Like Goldilocks you judge it as too hot, too cold or just right.

You smell things. Pepe Le Pew comes along- you decide if he is a cat or a skunk by his particular aroma.

You see things. You go into a store to buy groceries or perhaps to buy a new outfit. Your eyes tell you a ton of things about the item that you are shopping for before you even lay hands on it. Then you pick it up. Your eyes scan for flaws, you read the labels or tags, etc. You critique it.

You hear things. A new artist has a song on the radio. Your listening ear decides whether you like it or not in comparison to all that you've heard. Based on the one song you might even judge the singer as a one you never want to hear again.

You touch things or things touch you. You step outside with a t-shirt and shorts this morning, like I just did to let the cat out. The February air let me know that I was not dressed right for the weather.

So, can someone tell me how you experience life without judging? I'd be interested in knowing.

Hey, I walked away from this for a few minutes and it came to me. Just replace the word "judge" with another word. How about decide, discern, determine, etc?

I had an epiphany (I'm not sure I'm spelling that correctly) this afternoon as I looked at my family. How much do I love and hate them at the same time? I love them for who they are and I know what happens when I try to change something about them- we go into the war zone. I hate them at times because they do not allow me to be free and to be myself. That's when it hit me. Judgement starts with family.

I have come to accept that my mother is, well, my mother. Sure, there are things about her that I wish were different. But if she had been the things I wanted her to be I would not have had the opportunities to become who I am. I accept my brother's uniqueness while at the same time resenting him. Yes, I admit that I wish I'd been dealt a better brother. But, again, his uniqueness is part of the reason I am who I am.

When I look at them I have to remember that I am looking at myself. I can't change them but I can change my perception of them.

It's raining
It's pouring
The old man is snoring...


The rain has finally come instead of the sleet which was predicted. The ironic thing is that we did without rain last year and everyone complained. Now that we have rain, they are complaining. Me? I'm just grateful to be alive.

I love the sound of the rain. I grew up in a trailer. The rain hitting the metal roof was always a soothing sound for me. There's just something tranquil about the sound of rain. Now a storm is a different story- when you mix thunder, lightning and wind in with rain it can be frightening. But a steady gentle rain? There's nothing better.

We only work from 8-11 today. As I have no parents coming in, we'll be working on some things to promote positive reenforcement for Daniel and Taylor. We'll also be looking at catalogs to see what can be found for next year.

Afterward I'm taking my brother to Hope House Warehouse to donate his clothing and to look around.

Stress

Today I have two observations being done on me by the principal. I've never heard of anything this unorthodox before. I truly believe this woman is trying to sabatoge me. She's thrown every obstacle known to man at me this year. I'm beginning to wonder if she is the devil incarnate.

Directly after the two observations I have a meeting with the high maintenance parent of an autism child. I have to be the bearer of bad news.

Then tonight during parent/teacher conference (we're at school until 7 p.m tonight) I have a face off with my assistants.

Thank goodness for God who loves me, antidepressants and a 12 step program! If not for these I'd be lost.

This may be premature but the song gong through my head this morning is "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. I probably ought to be hearing, "I Will Survive" but I choose to be optimistic.

I'm Still Standing

As sung by Elton John

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter, freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Chorus:
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing, yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Chorus


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 hours later

I think the observations went okay. It was a little chaotic because once again I had a sub in for Jennifer. But at least we only had two of the wheel chair kids present. Kim had to step up and do a lot today.

The meeting with the mother went okay, too. Turns out that I didn't have any bad news to bear after all. The new staff were introduced to her and all went well.

The rest of the day was spent with me wrestling my drama queen. Her hormones had gone wacky because her time of the month came very early. She has no clue what is going on with her body and on top of that has a severe sinus infection. My honest opinion is that she should have stayed home today.

The face off with the assistants turned out to be civil. I chose to take the high road and use the Fish! Philosophy to brain storm.

Confession

I had my first confession tonight before mass. I totally forgot the memorized act of contrition. The priest handed me a paragraph to read. It went quickly because I really didn't feel that I had a lot to confess and then it was over.

Dennis sat with me at mass. We didn't really talk but it is nice to have a friend within the church.

Tomorrow is D Day. It will be stressful.

Confession

I've put it off until Wednesday night after mass. I don't know something just doesn't sit right with me about any of this. First, I wonder why I have to have two confessions before Easter. Does the deacon have the gift of prophesy? Does he see me doing some horrible things that I will need to confess? Second, there's the business of telling some stranger my inner thoughts or secrets. If I've had the discussion with my Higher Power and asked forgiveness, why do I need to go through a priest?

I will go through with this. It is a sacrament after all. My guess is that when the time comes, I will talk about some of the lustful thoughts, some of the homicidal thoughts and a few cases of half-truths or out and out lies. It just seems to me that it would only be a sin if I actually hurt someone. The only person who gets hurt with my stuff is me. It seems like double jeopardy for me to have to do any penance for hurting myself.

I've been working on different things today as we had the day off. I've gotten purchases with PO # done at Wal-Mart, I've done my taxes (now there's where a major confession will come in), I've figured out what to do for tomorrow's Focus on CAL, I've got my ducks in a row for the staffing between myself and the assistants, and I've been working on my daily records for the classroom. I've been pretty busy today.

I've done some thinking on that future book. Muse, A Muse, Amuse, Muse. The first muse means to wonder; the second is one of the 9 Greek goddesses who were said to have inspired poets, singers, etc. The word "amuse" has two different meanings. One means to be deceitful and the other means to entertain. The last "muse" means to contemplate as to lose track of time. Look these words up some time and see what you think. For me it sort of tells my life story.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was the fourth one I've been in since the beginning of the year. That's a sad commentary for me. I know that I need my face to face meetings as much as I do the others. There were three of us there last night. We all talked about being burnt out and our relapse. We also spoke of change. My sponsor told me that I needed to stop fighting the good things coming my way. I think I know what she is referring to but until I get verification about that I will continue in my own dysfunctional way. The bottom line is that fear prevents me from totally enjoying the good changes as they come. I have to adapt to them before I acknowledge the benefits. It may not make sense but then I never professed to being wise.

Muse
A Muse
Amuse

I was thinking about how my Higher Power talks to me through music, poetry and the arts. If I had lived in the time when Greek gods were worshiped I might have believed in the nine muses, too.

Then there is a different definition of muse that means to meditate. There is that contemplative prayer mentioned in there, too.

Then look at the definition of amuse. One of the ways that we amuse ourselves is with the arts. It goes full circle.

I was thinking that I'd like to write a book using that idea.

Oh, yeah, I've got to mention here that my sponsor says that I need to quit fighting something and just go with it. Not sure I know what it is that she thinks I am fighting. I suspect she is referring to my feelings about someone but if she is she's wrong. I'm not fighting my feelings. I'm just not giving into them until I know where I stand. This person says one thing but his actions say something else. He keeps me confused.

Growth


The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as we continue to live.
--Mortimer Adler

In some areas of our lives we are right on target. Our level of maturity is exactly as it should be, and we are going through the stages that people of our age ought to be going through. In other areas, this is not so. We are complex people, irregular, uneven. In all of us there are areas fixated in some emotional ice age, areas that have not felt the freeing warmth of the sun.

We cannot expect ourselves to move forward all at once. Not only is it okay to move slowly - it's often the only way it can be. Confusion, conflict, or pain may have caused us to let our memories or feelings be frozen safely away. This has been a long process, and we can allow ourselves more time to heal. The task now is not to deny or hide from these changes, but to have confidence that the healing warmth of the program will reflect on all areas of our lives and help make us whole.

I am thankful I am given both time and patience in which to continue my growth.
From: Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty



Last night I joined my sponsor and her family for dinner, games and Stations of the Cross.

Dinner was enjoyable. I got to meet and talk to one of the daughter-in-laws. I like Lorie. She's pretty cool.

Marian got out her Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? game and what I discovered is that at times I might be and at others I am not. I think I have wonderful short term memory and when I was in school I used it more than my long term memory. In other words I memorized things just long enough to do okay on tests and then I forgot them.

Her son showed up toward the end of the game and threw me off. I was doing well until he showed up. He confuses me and I think he takes great pleasure in doing so.

The Stations are humbling. You don't hear all that historical background in other denominations. No one speaks of what went on. Until the Passion that Mel Gibson did a few years back the seriousness of Christ's death was not put into real perspective for me. I think we take things for granted in today's society. It's a shame.

I've now completed my lesson plans for the two observations that are coming up next week, done two errands with Mom and Barry, finished two loads of laundry, taken garbage off, and cleaned out the truck a little. I think I'm going to take a nap before I have to go out again.

As I sat down and began thinking about some things going on in my life a song sprang to mind. As I looked at the topics that I was thinking about the lyrics made a lot of sense.

Drift Away

As sung by Uncle Kracker

Day after day I'm more confused
Yet I look for the light
Through the pourin' rain
You know that's a game that I hate to lose
And I'm feeling the strain
Ain't it a shame

Chorus
Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul
I want to get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away
[repeat]

Beginning to think that I'm wasting time
I don't understand the things I do
The world outside looks so unkind
Now I'm counting on you
To carry me through

Chorus

And when my mind is free
You know a melody can move me
And when I'm feeling blue
The guitar's coming through to soothe me

Thanks for the joy that you're given me
I want you to know I believe in your song
Your rythm and rhyme and harmony
You've helped me along
Makin' me strong

Chorus

Na, na, now won't ya
Won't ya take, oh ha ..take me

Baby, baby. Ew, baby, baby. Bbbbbbbbb baby, baby.

Well, let's see... what can I say? Life is good.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

All our loves are first loves.
--Susan Fromberg Schaeffer

When we fall in love with someone, it is a unique thing that comes from deep within us. Any relationship is the creation of two people who open themselves to each other and share themselves beyond the usual boundaries. That is the excitement of true love. Two people give each other the keys to their private world, just as we might share the key to our home, trusting that it will be used with care and respect. This intimacy isn't usually instantaneous. It builds on experience together.

In an intimate relationship, we have the responsibility to be good stewards of the trust given us. Looking at our partner's role is always so much easier than looking at our own, but we need to resist that easy temptation. Our first questions should always be - Do I make it safe for my partner to be open with me? Do I take my partner's vulnerability as a trust that I do not abuse? Am I gentle and respectful with the key my partner gave me?

Today I will be a good partner; honoring and guarding the trust I have been given.
From: Wisdom to Know by Anonymous

There are two ways
to look for joy in this life...
wait and watch for it by the gate
or go down the road and find it.
Don't wait too long.


This reminds me of a little saying that was passed around when I was in middle school (they called it Jr. High then):

Don't make love by the garden gate
Love is blind
But the neighors ain't.

I really don't know why that one sprang to mind except that a gate is mentioned in the quote from my perpetual calendar and today is Valentine's Day.

I almost feel like today will be the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. I have no idea why I feel that way except that I do.

To counteract that let me count my blessings for this day:

* Thankfully I picked up some Valentine stuff back in January for the kids. I have goodie bags for them.
* ICCC came through again when they gave me so many of the recyclable goods- we also had enough plastic Folger's cans to make Valentine mailboxes for the kids.
* Thank God for the internet! I found valentines to print off of the computer to color and give the kids in case their parents forget to buy them.
* Samantha's mother sent juice and chips for today's party even though her child can not eat them.
* I had something red to wear that was clean in my closet to commemorate the day.
* Lavender bath salts
* Clean laundry- I washed a load of clothes last night.
* Electricity- I slept through the night and only got up once to go to the bathroom. It did not go off again!
* Friendship- just when I thought I had none, one appears.
* Ideas gleaned from the internet for lesson plans- I think I've got next week sown up. I just have a few things to buy on pay day.


Several hours later...

It was a hectic day at school. I was in my element. I'm a little tired of the "help" I get from my assistants. They are a little too helpful at times and overbearing. At other times I feel like I'm in the Black Hole and can't get them to hear me.

* Samantha had to be suctioned a couple of times today. She scared me a little bit. The first time both assistants were of help the rest of the time I was on my own. But we survived.
* I saw some things concerning Samantha that disturbed me. If I had had a listening ear to share the details with, I would have. For now I'm just going to pray about it.
* I out-stubborned (is that a word) Daniel. We went a few rounds in between me checking on the other kids. He gave Stephanie fits. In the end, he said he was sorry and I received a hug for the trouble.
* I spent some time with the other children. I felt pretty good about the Valentine's Day party. It was simple but it was enjoyable.

I took myself out on a date to see the movie The Bucket List. I grabbed a value meal from McDonald's and ate it on the way to Columbia. The theatre has something they call "Happy Hour" which comes between the Mattinee time and the evening show. Then on the way home I stopped and got ice cream. I guess it's not the same as the Valentine's Day date with a special person but it was. Does that make sense? I pretty much told myself that I love me with my actions. That's all that matters.

Creativity

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

What we lack are not scientists but poets and people to reveal to the heart what the heart is ready to receive.
--Joseph Campbell


A short time ago, a friend handed me the following credo. It read:

This is the artist's dream:
To receive the inspiration to create,
To share that creation with others,
And to be totally supported in the process.

I asked him to explain further. "It all begins with inspiration," he said, "an inspiration that calls us to create. Once the inspiration is received, then we can bring that vision into the world as a song, painting, book, invention, new business - or any other tangible form.

"After the creation is born, it needs to be shared with others. No one creates in a vacuum. It is only when the vision is successfully communicated to its intended audience that it truly comes alive.

"Finally, the artist needs to be supported for what he does. If he has made a positive connection with his audience, the support will come - financially and emotionally. And while it may not always be there immediately, it will ultimately arrive. This is where the artist needs to trust and be patient."

This dream is not just the artist's dream. It is our dream as well. Through work or play, job or family, vocation or avocation, you can experience the joy of creating, sharing, and being acknowledged. Experience this creative process and you will never grow old in spirit. Have you ever known an artist or dreamer who "retired"?
From: Listening to Your Inner Voice by Douglas Bloch


There's a lot of truth in this.

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The electricty went off around 3:00 this morning. Want to know how I know? My bi-pap machine cut off and suddenly I had no air. Talk about a rude awakening!

I tried to go back to sleep with out the machine but couldn't. I wound up taking a luke warm bath about 4:00 and around 5:00 I got in the truck to see what the damage was. All around me lights were on. There were just a few homes that were without power. I drove across town to McDonald's for breakfast and when I got back my lights were on. The local radio station is off the air. I was hoping to hear that school was cancelled for today. So far Giles County is not on the list of closings.

When I got back I had to take the side panel off of the computer to turn it on. You might remember that the "on" button fell into the tower a few months back. Well, I was able to fish it out this morning but I have no idea how to put it back in. Oh, well, a screwdriver through the side works. I also never turn the computer off. I just restart.


Twelve hours later...

The snow came down and for a while it stuck to the roads. We thought we'd be sent home from school for sure but we weren't.

It was just another day of swimming amid isms for me today. Sometimes I get tired of trying to talk to the assistants in my classroom. It's frustrating. None of them had experience in a Special Education classroom until this year and, yet, they think they know more than I do. Now I may be wrong, and I often am, but I think that I might have some experience for them to learn from. I've only been teaching since January 1988 and I've taught every age group except infants. I also grew up with an autistic brother. But who am I to tell them anything?

I don't go off on them like I'm tempted to although one day I came very close to really giving it to Kim. I figure if they get enough rope they will eventually hang themselves.

A fellow Al-Anon member sends me these "just for fun" questionnaires from time to time. They're designed to get to know people better. I sent out the most recent one to a few people but only the paradox bothered to reply. Here are his smart ass answers. He got a few things right.


1. Where did we meet? Harbor House I think. (wrong- we actually met at the Betterway House after a speaker meeting.

2. Take a stab at my middle name: Anne (wrong again- my middle name is Fawn)

3. Do I smoke? No (correct!)

4. Color of my eyes: Hazel (wrong- they are baby blue)

5. Do I have any siblings? yes brother (correct!)

6. What's one of my favorite things to do? obsess (told you he was a smart ass)

7. What's my favorite type of music? popular (I will agree with that but I really lean toward 80's music)

8. Am I shy or outgoing? Both (correct, more or less)

9. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? Follow rules until rebellion (correct!)

10. Any special talents: scrapbooking (I will accept that one, although I was not aware that scrapbooking was a talent)

11. What am I most adamant about? Who is and isn't insane (another smart ass answer)

12. How many children do I have? None that I know of. (correct!)

13. Thought or memory when hearing my name: Fun trouble (shocking! I thought he'd say judgmental or crazy)

14. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I would bring? typewriter (Now, really, if I were on a deserted island with the paradox I would not bring a typewriter. What would be the use with out paper to go with it? LOL)

The ironic thing is that he sent a blank one for me to fill out. Ha! I filled it out before I received his answers. Gotta love the smart ass!

The topic for this week in the on-line Al-Anon group that I attend is "Growth". I was asked to do the Tuesday Focus on CAL (Conference Approved Literature).

Here is my entry for this week:

God sets the time table of my growth. And when I look back along the road I have traveled, my unfolding has always been timed perfectly. I have been given exactly what I needed at each stage.
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, p. 266, copyright 1995, Limited use with express written permission AFG, Inc.


Since this month began with Step 3 it dawned on me that change came when I altered my thinking about about my will vs. God's will. Growth. It all comes down to growth.

Then this song began to flow through my head. Actually there were two songs that sprang to mind. One was in reference to my place in the grand design. It is "Thank You World" by the Statler Brothers. The other one comes from Sounds of Serenity, Volume I, which was a major fundraiser for the Tennessee Al-Anon Convention several years ago.

The song from Sounds of Serenity means a lot to me because of who sings it and an experience that relates to that but it also seemed to fit the topic and the reading I chose. The song is called "Right on Time" and it is sung by a member of Al-Anon. If you were to hear the song you might be able to guess her identity. She has a very distinctive voice.

The experience I had was at the 2005 convention where I helped my district with registration. She not only sang the song during a portion of the convention, she also conducted a workshop. During the time I was there I forgot who she was in reference to her celebrity and only saw a fellow Al-Anon. I could relate to what she had to say in the workshop. The old me would have drawn attention to her and asked for an autograph, but I did not. In the closing moments of the convention when the delegation held hands in the prayer circle and did the Lord's Prayer, I wound up holding her hand and didn't know it was her until after it was over.

Wow! At that time I thought, "I've really grown!" How smug of me! That wasn't growth. That was practicing principles of the program. That was anonymity.

Growth came when I took myself (and others) out of the Godseat.


Here are the lyrics to that song:

Right on Time

It's not my nature to be patient
I jump every river I cross
Not one for followin' the sensible side
I can't count the times I've been lost

'Cause you can't see where you're goin' in the pourin' rain
When you're runnin' into walls, feelin' no pain
We owe our dues to the devil and I paid mine
Took a while to get here but I'm right on time

I don't regret a single moment
It's been one hell of a ride
But I count myself among the fortunate ones
I made it ot the other side

Yeah, you go what you go through to get where you are
Ain't it lucky for me I didn't go too far
I turned around before the end of the line
Took a while to get here but I'm right on time

You can't see where you're goin' in the pourin' rain
If you're runnin' into walls, feelin' no pain
We owe our dues to the devil
Yeah, I sure paid mine
Took a while to get here, but I'm right on time
Took a while to get here, but I'm right on time

Thanks for reading.

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Since this morning I've had a few that linger on the fringe of the recovery group e-mail me directly and ask how they can get a copy of the song or who sings it. I won't tell who sings it. I admire her ability but I also respect her anonymity. I sent a link to Recovery Radio for everyone to listen to it.

Something else happened today. It was a very serene day because Kim wasn't present. I hate to feel that way about a person but I really do not care for her that much. She's extremely judgmental and mixed with Controlzilla, it's almost unbearable in that classroom. There's too much competition going on in there. It's not brain surgery. These are kids with physical and mental disabilities. There should be no militant atmosphere. It should be more of a family atmosphere.

Ms. Bailey is going to turn out to be a major ally but it's not the same as the family atmosphere that used to existe between my friends and I at HPES. One of the ironies is that I think I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm just not so sure about the others. I think they are out of their depth. The other irony is that I seem to get along with everyone except those that I work directly with. I've been accommodating (the principal says I've been too accommodating)and still the tension remains. It's like what I lived through with my alcoholic. It's damned if I do and damned if I don't. Or in the words of the late Ricky Nelson- "You can't please everyone so you gotta please yourself..."

I'm at peace with myself so much that it scares me. I don't know that I've ever known this kind of peace and serenity. I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop and it hasn't thus far. I keep getting my mind set for the inevitable but when the time comes, things come out better than they should have. It feels weird. I'm not sure what to think or feel about the situation.

Another development is just how unimportant things seem to me that used to stress me out or cause me concern. Now, I pretty much look at things as if they will take care of themselves or I turn to my Higher Power for guidance and, lo and behold, it comes.

I feel that I'm a little closer to my Higher Power but miles away from human beings. While I'm content with my own company, I'm also a little lonely for human companionship. It would be nice to have someone pick up the telephone and call or drop by to visit. I have invited people over and seldom does anyone come by. I did most of the calling and seldom did anyone initiate a phone call. It gets tiresome because it feels so one sided. You know what I mean?

Thank You World

As sung by the Statler Brothers


I wanna thank you world for lettin' me belong
I'm just one fourth of one small group that sings your songs
I know that there are others who have served in bigger ways
All I can do is sing your music all my days

It makes me grateful just to know- to know that I can be
Unique and fill a spot beside the other three
Without a place here in this world I know that I'd be lost
Thank you world for lettin' me contribute to the cause

I may not ever stand like Stonewall Jackson stood
But standing on that stage to me is just as good
And I may never be a heavy or a great
But you've given me the strength- the strength to pull me weight

Oh, for the part I sing is truly part of me
And it does its part to lock the other parts in key
And it does its part to pull- to pull that sweet applause
So thank you world for lettin' me contribute to the cause

Oh world you've given me a place that I call mine
Though I've stepped out of it and I've gotten out of line
Sometimes I sing your music slightly out of key
And I know I make it harder for the other three

Oh, I've always done my part the very best I could
And it's done with other guys, oh, world you could
You've let me sing your praises, world and harp about your faults
I thank you world for lettin' me contribute to the cause

It makes me grateful just to know- to know that I can be
Unique and fill the spot beside the other three
Without a place here in this world I know that I'd be lost
Thank you world for lettin' me contribute to the cause


This song has echoed inside my head for the past few days although I really didn't know why until this afternoon when I reflected on how things have gone since the first of the year. The other thought I had was that it did not say "I want to thank you world..." but rather, "I want to thank you Lord..." which in my mind would be more appropriate. Who really cares what the world thinks?

I have a place in the church. I'm not really sure what my role will become but it's definitely a different spiritual path than I was on.

I have a place in this world. I'm a daughter and a sister. I still have a spot in my family tree.

I have a place in my job. I was born to teach disabled children. I have a gift in working with them.

I have a place in the recovery community. Right now I'm not sure where my home group is going to be but I'm okay with that.

Yesterday we were given a information sheet with our bullentin at church. It has a list of 40 things that you can do during the Lenten season. I saw several that I really can do. But one caught my eye right away because it seemed to spell recovery to me.

Find 40 things to be grateful for this Lent. Make a list and share your gratitude with friends and associates.

I'm grateful, Lord:

1. I am alive.
2. I can breath freely without assistance although at night I am connected to a bi-pap machine for my sleep apnea.
3. I can walk. I have arthritis but it does not have me.
4. I still have use of my hands even though I have neuropathy due to my diabetes.
5. Sight- I can see.
6. Sounds- I can hear.
7. A brain- I can think for myself and reason things out.
8. Smell- I can still smell the roses.
9. Laughter
10. Tears
11. Courage
12. Sensativity
13. Clean clothing
14. Food to eat
15. A place to live
16. Transportation
17. Cats
18. Mom
19. Barry
20. Memories
21. Antidepressants
22. Quilts
23. Flannel sheets
24. Dry rack
25. Clothes hangers
26. Water
27. Telephone
28. Computer
29. Internet
30. E-mail
31. Linda
32. Elyce
33. Marian
34. Tom
35. Mike
36. Jay
37. Sam
38. Beverley
39. Deacon Mike
40. Prayer

Gratitude really does change my attitude. I could have continued listing things that I was grateful for.

We had a good turn out for the fundraiser. For once there were more Al-Anon members present than AA members. I have no idea whether we earned any money on the baskets. I had to leave before it was all over. I took home what little there was left of the chicken noodle soup that I brought and made arrangements for Stevie to take care of Ruby's. I could not possibly have carried them both up my steps with a bum leg.

The speaker spoke longer than she was supposed to but that was okay. She was interesting. I was in pain from sitting too long with but I made it through her talk. It took me a while to go to sleep but I finally did doze off thanks to Tylenol PM. I'm afraid I'll become addicted to that and have to join NA. : )

Nefertiti's sponsor was present. She had traveled from Memphis to Franklin to work with the state delegate and Susan on the state guidelines. We caught up and spoke of our mutual friend. She's going to help me talk Elyce into joining Thelma and I in Huntsville for the Alabama/North Florida Al-Anon Convention. She gave me her e-mail and phone numbers so that I could get Elyce's newest information to her. Each time Jolly Joyce sees me she says, "Keep talking to her. You're doing her some good." Don't know what I say. But I've never been against talking to anyone. I'd talk to a fence post.

I turned in my key to the Betterway House building to one of the board members last night. I told Jerry that I was going to do that before I did it. When Jane came around as I was getting ready to leave to ask if she could join me in riding to the convention in Huntsville I told her that I would begin going to meetings in Lawrenceburg when I could. I was not going to attend in Pulaski any more. When I can say that I have more serenity missing a meeting there, it is time to go.

The paradox did not show. But that's okay. I really didn't expect him to. He's taking care of himself and that is what matters most.

This morning I am still in pain. I'm not really looking forward to driving to Nashville and sitting through a ceremony. This is not because I want to miss the ceremony, it is because sitting for any length of time with my knee bent causes me pain afterward. For the most part the Rite of Election is something I really do look forward to. I feel like I've come home.

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The Rite of Election ceremony was awesome! I was so moved by the sight of so many people traveling the same path I am. I spent the day with my sponsor and it was a day well spent. I am so at peace with myself right now.

I'm going to be a link on another person's blog. I don't know if others who view his blog will be interested in what I have to say but I think we might be flip sides of the same coin.

The Bug

As sung by Mary-Chapin Carpenter

Well it's a strange old game, you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle, you're standing on the brake
In the groove till you make a mistake

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger baby, sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're gonna lose it all

You gotta know happy, you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely and you're gonna know sad
When you're rippin' and a-ridin' and you're coming on strong
You start slippin' and a-slidin' and it all goes wrong

Because sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all falls together baby, sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger baby, sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're gonna lose it all

One day you got the glory, and then you got none
One day you're a diamond, and then you're a stone
Everything can change in the blink of an eye
So let the good times roll before we say goodbye

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger baby, sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're gonna lose it all
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby, sometimes you're just a fool in love


[repeat and fade]


I'm not sure but today I might have been the windshield. Things in my classroom are tense. The isms are flowing. Thankfully, as my bff says, I'm able to see them for what they are. Unfortunately, I'm not immune to them.

Tomorrow night is the fundraiser. I've got two baskets ready for the auction. Tomorrow I'll make the soup and a dessert. I've also got to get some 2 liter drinks to carry. I'm going even though I really don't feel like sitting through a lot of insanity. The paradox might show up and I really hope he does. I would like to see a semi-friendly face in the crowd. For some reason he's being nicer to me. Could it be that misery loves company?

Sunday my sponsor and I go to St. Henry's for the Rite of the Elect. This should be interesting. Any way you go my weekend is full.

Last night I attended my first Ash Wednesday mass. I wasn't sure if I could take part in getting the ashes put on my forehead but the deacon told me that I could. I like what I heard in reference to Lent. I'm not so sure about meatless meals. I don't know if I'm supposed to do that every day or only on Fridays. I'm also not sure how a diabetic does fasting. I'd love input on that.

Dennis sat with me for the first time last night. I'm not sure what that means except that I have his encouragement and support. He's the only recovery buddy from Pulaski that does support this transformation. Maybe it's because we've talked about it in reference to the things that have been happening to me. I don't know.

I thought last night would be the end of the RCIA classes since we go to St. Henry's for the Rite of the Elect on Sunday. But the deacon says that he'd like to continue with them right up until Holy Week. After that he thinks we still need to meet once a month for a while. I don't know if he's offered that to the others or not. I'm pretty sure he did not suggest that they get a Liturgy of the Hours like he suggested to me.

I had discussed some of this with my Awakenings friend Jay, who is a cradle Catholic, and he asked me if Deacon Mike was charismatic. I had no idea what he meant. So, I asked the deacon. I told him what I thought it meant in reference to personalities and he explained what it meant in reference to faith. He is, in deed, a member of the charismatic movement. I think that's pretty cool.

I've been reading more and more about mysticism and I really do think this is the path I am supposed to be on. It just feels right.

I prayed for peace and love this morning. I tossed and turned all night because of the disturbance brought on by this new assistant. I was up before 4:00 this morning because I could not sleep any longer. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a few things for the classroom. I wound up spending too much money- but things are so expensive. I went into school early- I deactivated the alarm system- and rearranged part of my classroom. I needed to work off some of my aggression. I was still angry when Missie arrived to wait for Logan. I don't know why I vented to her. I guess I saw a kindred spirit. I may be fooled. Right now my prayer is that I find a friend in this faculty or staff. I really don't think it will come within my classroom. That's really a shame because that room could become a family.

Kim's asking a lot of personal questions. I answer with a lot of "yes" and "no" answers. When I venture a short response beyond that she will say something like, "I didn't know that about you." Well, shoot! It's none of her business. Is she writing a book about me? I will tell you that she either overheard my conversation with the principal yesterday or Jennifer gave her a good talking to because her attitude was a lot different this morning. When she looked as if she was going to start that nonsense, I dropped the bomb. I told all of them that one of those inservice days was going to be used as a staffing so that I could go over the evaluation process with them because it would be me rather than the principal that would evaluate them. You should have seen the look on her face. Her attitude did a 360. She only wants to work with Kristopher, the easiest of all the kids. I informed her this morning that she would have to help with all of them. When she tried to manipulate me with a planned schedule for Kristopher, I counteracted with a schedule for Daniel and Taylor- that was God inspired. I had this thought pop into my head about learning the recess and AR schedule of Mrs. Bailey and Mrs. Simpson, my newest allies in the school. Then, later when Kim tried to get out of bathroom duty, Jenniefer cornered her about it. She's in for a rude awakening.

The icing on the cake was when Amy, who is thankfully going back to Maury County after next week, came into the classroom to reminisce about our experiences at Highland Park. All three of the assistants- Jennifer, Kim and Stephanie- stopped talking to listen. It was when my vast experience came out and they had to take notes. I think they are about to get better educated in Yolanda 101.

My tongue will look like Swiss cheese soon. I've bit holes in it to keep from going off on Kim. But I am eventually going to become unglued on her if she does not stop talking down to me or being so condescending. I finally went to the principal about it after school. I've got my ammunition.

The sad thing is that while apologzing to me for taking advantage of my cooperative nature she told me that I was too accommodating. What? You can't have it both ways. I'm new to this system. My tenure did not transfer. I need this job, even if it does pay substantially less than the previous one. I can't afford to rock the boat. I had to cooperate and be a team player or I'd have had that held against me. Man, it's damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I talked to the deacon about it a little bit tonight. He says that all of this is one of those stumbling blocks that Satan is throwing out there because he objects to what I am about to do. Which should tell me that I'm on the right path. Right now I don't know what to think. It feels like my whole world has been turned upside down. It's like I've stepped through the looking glass and everyone has gone mad.

I see so clearly what is going on with the women in this room. I see that they are scared and unprepared to work with special needs children. They feel that they have something to prove. So they are rushing in with the controlzilla mode and failing to remember that I am still the captain of this ship. I've fought a lot of battles this year. I've fought to get aides put on the buses. I've asked about physical therapy devices. I've still not gotten all that I asked for. I've been in contact with central office and the vision therapist about switch activated devices. I've tried to get more supplies for centers, even spending money I could not afford to spend out of my own pocket. I've done my job to the best of my ability. I just don't think I can continue to work in this environment. I'd rather quit and be penniless than to have to be miserable all the time.

Today-
May my ears listen
with respect.
May my eyes see
with equanimity.
May my mouth
speak with kindness.
May my heart
open with love.

This is what my perpetual calendar says today. I should have heeded its words.

I lost my cool with Kim, the newest assistant in my classroom. But I guess I have a chip on my shoulder where Jennifer and Stephanie are concerned as well. It's not just that their isms are showing. Thelma and I talked about it. They are out of their depth and trying to fake it.

This is my ocean. I've been in special education for 19 years. But I grew up in a family where mental illness and mental retardation ruled. This is my sea of tranquility. It is their isms that keep feeding the sharks and stirring up the tides. They need to bend a little.

I am reminded of the three C's. I did not cause their isms. I can't control their behavior or their attitudes. I can't cure it either. But I'll be damned if I will sit amid it and keep my mouth shut any longer. We are not here to educate or to make better parents. We are here for the children. That is where our responsibility lies. It is not in trying to out do each other. It is us against the rest of the world. We are fighting battles that have been waged for centuries. But there are times when battles can be won in silent determination rather than posturing.

Sam came into the classroom this morning to ask how he could get a job working in my classroom. He needs something full time and something that is tranquil. I told him to go put his application in. There is a need for men in this field. I think he'd probably make a good assistant. He's very kind and gentle. He spoke to his therapist about it and he feels he needs a less stressful job. I am in therapy myself and not ashamed to talk about it. I just told him the facts. A CDC room can be tranquil if you can get everybody on the same page. Unfortunately for me, I have been in the middle of a tempest all year.

Thelma's take on all this is that I am the Moses of the special education field. She feels that I have been placed here to educate these folks. In the words of Jack from Dawson's Creek, and I paraphrase, "I'm tired of having to be the first."

I struggled to have my composure today in that classroom. These women act like I'm invisible until something hits the fan. They crow about their accomplishments but I notice that they are immitating my behavior with the wheel chair kids. They really have no clue about what they are doing. But the one missing ingredient to all of this is that we have had no consistancy all year long. It does not affect the wheel chair kids so much. It's the others that it has effected. They are retarded not clueless. They know that we are not in synch and they are fully taking it in.

I tried for fourteen years to get a job in this system and now I've got one. I have a license. I will not let some women with isms prevent me from doing my job. God help me. I'm going to pray that I can get Sam a job in there.

I'm still a little sore and I'm moving slow since my fall on Friday. But I'm feeling better than I did.

It seems that I am surrounded by people who are exercising their "isms". Specifically I am talking about Jennifer and Stephanie, two of my assistants, and the nurse. Jennifer's perfectionism and controlzilla switch is stuck. She seems to think only she can control the classroom. She just breezes by the rest of us. Stephanie is so paralyzed by her shyness that I think she does well to function at all. The nurse is so judgmental and manipulative that she makes me look like Bambi. It was hard not to react to these people on Thursday.

Thelma and I talked about it that night. She asked me what my options were and what I could personally do about any of it. Since Thursday's activities concerned my portfolios I did have some control. I chose to get a sub and save the portfolios. It was not my finest hour and those portfolios were far from perfect but I did the best that I could do under the circumstances. I decided to think of the whole experience as one of life's little lessons.

It took me over 5 hours to right those things but I finally had them done by 12:30. It was when I took them to turn in at Central Office that I fell up the 90 degree angeled stairs and bloodied my nose. I was in pain and limping so I gave myself the rest of the day off. I may get called on the carpet for it tomorrow but I really could care less at this point.

Yesterday I managed to get all of my Chapman family tree put into the page protectors. The numbers are off and I've got a few people with the wrong parents but nothing is beyond fixing. I'm working on Joey's information now but only because he has so many people in the county who are kin to him. I don't have the funds to have these books printed as I did when I did the Hughey book so they're just going in notebooks for the library.

As I've made mention before I do have a new on-line friend named Jay. I'm not sure how I acquired him but he's been steadily reaching out and responding to e-mails like Kenny once did. I think he lives in California so there's really no hope that I'll ever meet him but it's nice to have someone to talk to even if it is on-line. I get lonely some times.

It's doubtful that anything will come of the acquaintance between Sam and I. He's got a lot of issues that he is working on. He's retreated into his shell once more. That might be for the best.

I Am a "Kept" Woman.

You see, there were a few times when I thought I would lose my mind, but GOD kept me sane.

There were times when I thought I could go no longer, but GOD kept me moving.

At times, I've wanted to lash out at those whom I felt had done me wrong, but GOD kept my mouth shut.

Sometimes, I think the money just isn't enough, but GOD has helped me to keep the lights on, the water on, the car paid, the house paid, etc..,

When I thought I would fall, GOD kept me up.

When I thought I was weak, HE kept me strong!

I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you hear me!

Praise the Lord of the worlds and pass the filet mignon!

I'm blessed to be "KEPT."

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

As we think, so we become.

We can enrich our interior monologue. We can seek the company of people who inspire us with a loving approach to life. We can absorb the written thoughts of writers who encourage our positive emotions. We can decide to be cheerful and optimistic, just for today.

Whom would you rather be around - someone who chronically complains and talks about what a mess everything is, or someone who finds joy and delight in watching the antics of two squirrels in a tree? You are your constant companion. Your own company can be a pleasure or a drag, depending on the thoughts and feelings you permit to linger in your consciousness.

We take Steps Four and Five in order to sort out our thoughts, getting rid of those that depress our spirit. In Step Ten, we continue a daily mental housecleaning so that residues of resentment and discouragement are not allowed to accumulate. Then we go on to Step Eleven for an infusion of the kind of thinking that nurtures the person we want to become.

Today, I will exercise my freedom of thought.
From: Inner Harvest by Elisabeth L.


Along that same line comes the quote from my perpetual calendar:

Who deserves your praise today?


I think all of this goes along with self-acceptance and self-love. I deserve my praise today. I need to be my own ally rather than my own enemy.

The portfolios got done. I called for a sub. It was hard to get some of the teachers to sign. They acted as if I was lying. I wasn't lying. All I had to show was that a child had been in their presence for at least five minutes and that their regular ed peers had also been present. I stationed myself in the breakfast room, the work room across from the gym, the 3rd grade hall and in the conference room. By 12:30 all four portfolios were done. I left the school and went to turn them in.

The special ed department is stationed upstairs in the administration building. I fell when I got to the top of the stairs. I received a bloody nose and a wrenched knee in the process. So, I gave myself the rest of the day off to nurse my body's wounds.

All in all I'm not too upset about the bruises or bloody nose. I maintained my integrity and although those portfolios were not my best work, they were all that I could do today. Rather than think poorly of myself I choose to pat myself on the back and praise my efforts.

I have a new on-line friend.