Another One Bites the Dust

As sung by Queen

Steve walks warily down the street,
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet,
Machine guns ready to go
Are you ready, Are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat

Chorus
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along,
Without you, when you're gone
You took me for everything that I had,
And kicked me out on my own

Are you happy, are you satisfied
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat

Chorus


Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust

There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can beat him
You can cheat him
You can treat him bad and leave him
When he's down

But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you
I'm standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating the sound of the beat


I can't remember what I was thinking about for this song to pop into my head. When I downloaded the lyrics there was something different about them. The words or the meaning to the words was different.

When this song came out in 1979 or 1980, it was played so much that we could all sing it in our sleep. So, I knew the words by heart. What was different were my feelings regarding the words. It was if blinders had been taken off.

Imagine

as sung by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one


The website that houses this song was hit over 9000 times on May 27th. Not sure why. Was John Lennon recently in the news? For me this is synchronicity. Lennon is Joey's favorite Beatle and the 27th would have been our 9th wedding anniversary. Add to that that last night I dreamed of his being released from prison. Weird.

At any rate the reason I thought of the song was because of what my perpetual calendar says:

Dreamers dream...doers do.

I disagree with that statement somewhat. I think dreamers also act, doers follow their lead.

My ACIM workbook lesson for today speaks volumes to me after the ordeal I had last summer. To hear that God is just a whisper away is a phenomenal concept. To believe and practice it is faith. The other thought that comes to me is that I really am loveable, capable of loving (without expecting anything in return) and loved.

Lesson 327:
"I need but call and You will answer me."


With this lesson, it helps me to remember that God is Love and nothing else. So the title can be read, "I need but call and Love will answer me." In this world, God seems to be distant. This is because the world was made to keep God out. This world is the effect of the denial of God. Because the denial of God is the denial of Love, the ego had to make a substitute that would seem at least to temporarily satisfy so that we would not go searching to try to find the Love we seem to have lost. This substitute is specialness.

Because this world is the effect of the denial of Love, there is an underlying emptiness that we feel. It is because we are denying our Self. And so we spend our lives searching for Love. But when we follow the ego's direction, it can only direct us to its substitute for love -- specialness.

The ego does not know how to find Love, because separation cannot conceive of the unity of Love. And so as long as we follow the ego's dictates, we search endlessly for substitutes that never satisfy. This fits the ego's credo of seek and do not find. This lesson is telling us that this need not be.

Instead of looking to the ego and its substitutes for Love, if we call upon Love, Love will answer. To do this we must learn to disregard the ego's thought system. How do we call upon Love? We call upon the Holy Spirit in our minds, which is the link between Love, and the identity we think we are in this dream. We bring all our judgments, which stand as a barrier against Love, to the Holy Spirit. This is how we forgive and this is how we open our minds to Love's Answer.

Today I will call upon Love by continuing to practice bringing my thoughts of fear, guilt and separation to the Holy Spirit. I will practice returning to the peace of God within me so that I may listen with an open mind to Love's Answer. Thus will I experience the truth of God's promise. Each time I have a moment of peace, a moment of release from guilt, my conviction of the reality of Love's promise grows stronger. My heart is filled with gratitude to Love's Answer in my mind that assures me of Its eternal presence and unity with me. I am learning the truth that, "I need but call and You will answer me."

Conviction comes with practice. Conviction comes with being willing to quiet my mind and open up to receiving God's peace. With God's peace, comes understanding, for with one comes the other.

The Holy Spirit knows how to heal my mind of all its false ideas. The Holy Spirit has every answer that I need, for the Holy Spirit is the Answer. The Holy Spirit will bridge me from where I think I am to the awareness of my true Identity as Love. I need but follow. I need but be receptive with an open mind. The Holy Spirit answers in a form which will be most helpful in the moment.

The more I practice opening to the Holy Spirit's answer, the more my conviction grows that this really works. As my conviction grows it leads to certainty.

How often I accept Holy Spirit's help is determined by my willingness. And each time I accept Holy Spirit's help, it paves the way to even greater understanding. It paves the way to building an even stronger habit of generalizing it to every part of my life where I do not yet feel peaceful. As I practice, I will learn the truth of the statement, "To every apprehension, every care and every form of suffering: I will forgive and this will disappear." (W-pI.193.13:3-4)

As I continue this practice of opening to the Holy Spirit with every concern, my faith in the Holy Spirit strengthens, day by day. My willingness to be consistent grows with continued practice. I see that the Holy Spirit is right there, willing to tell me how I can be truly helpful with every situation. I need but call and the Holy Spirit will answer me.

I'm not sure why it is but I feel like a totally different person from I what I was a week ago. I'm at peace with myself and the world.

Summer school is going smoothly (it's the second day) even though Kristopher's parents decided that he would no longer attend. I think they thought it would be an all day affair even though I told them four or five times that it was only a half day for four days a week during the month of June.

I'm working on an article about World War I right now for the Historical Society Bulletin. It's going to be pretty extensive. It might actually take up several pages, leaving no room for any of the other research. We'll see what happens.

Hurray! The first day of summer school went well! Four out of five children showed up. The assistants and I were on the same page with what we wanted to do. It was nice. There was no tension in the air at all.

I went by the library and checked out some books for the child I knew nothing about. He's a pretty high leveled reader. I also went by Central Office and got my purchase order for Wal-Mart. I have several boxes of gloves for the new year. Hopefully, they'll last a while.

Lesson 324:

"I merely follow, for I would not lead."

=========================
PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
=========================

Looking out through the body's eyes is like having blinders on because what we see through the body's eyes is the opposite of the truth. Because we are blind to the truth, we need a Guide Who is not deceived by what the body's eyes show us. We need the Holy Spirit's guidance to show us the difference between truth and illusion.

Because we have been so totally lost in the forest of our belief in separation, we cannot find our way out without help. The way to do this is to refrain from deciding what anything means on our own, and recognize that we have been blinded by our false beliefs.

Our thoughts of separation, which is what this world is based on, seem so real to us that we don't realize that we need to question these thoughts. These thoughts are false ideas and so the premise on which this world is based is totally false.

In truth, there never could be a world of separate bodies. The world is not real. Bodies are not real. Minds are not separate. We have been very mistaken in the story we have been telling ourselves. We have gotten so caught up in the story that we have learned to believe that it is true. And most of our thinking is based on the premise that it is true.

As we continue following this false premise, we just keep going deeper and deeper into the ego's mire of false perception, which only causes more guilt and fear. The only way out is to avoid making any decisions on our own.

We need to be willing to go to that place in our mind that has not joined with separation. We need to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit, hour by hour, day by day. In truth we are not a separate individual with a unique separate mind encased within a separate body. This is not true. There is only one true Mind and that is the Mind of Love. We have never changed from that Love. We remain as Love created us. We are an Idea in the Mind of Love.

As we open to the truth, we are gently led back to the totality of Love which has never changed. We are led back as we are willing to follow and not make decisions on our own. "I merely follow, for I would not lead."

You may have heard someone referred to as a "control freak" or as having control issues. The truth is that everyone in this world has control issues. This world is the effect of rejecting God's Will and wanting to be in control. It's like we are all teenagers trying to establish our independence from our Parent. The Course refers to this syndrome often. It is what it refers to when it talks about our attempt to self-create and when it talks about the "authority problem." The wish to be in control is the rejection of God's Will that we are one Mind, which is undivided and the same.

The cost of "being in control" is the perceived loss of our unity with our Creator. That loss of unity means that we have lost awareness of the strength and Love that is ours because of our unity with our Creator. The result is that though we seem to have established control, what we have control of is only an illusion. There is no substance to it.

We are in control of the images we make up in our mind. We can have those images act out our beliefs. They can seem to be in conflict or they can seem to be special partners, allies with which we feel safe in a dangerous world of images. Yet all these images we control have no substance, no meaning in truth, no reality. So we go through "life" playing with images, thinking that they are real, yet feeling empty, alone and lacking Love.

To remember the Love that we are and that is ours, there is only one thing to do. We must give up our attempt to control and accept that, in truth, God's Will is our will. We must be willing to follow the inner Guide in our minds Who remains our Link with our Source.

By relinquishing control and following that Guide, we awaken to the Love, strength, peace and joy of the Self That remains united with Its Source. We give up control of nothing and gain everything, all that is real. We return to Love. This is why it is important for me to remember, "I merely follow, for I would not lead."

I have to laugh because I'm looking at my perpetual calendar which says:

Hey! Who's in control here, anyway?

This is also reminiscent of what was written in the parish bulletin for this week. Like children we battle for independence from our parents, telling ourselves that we are able to do for ourselves. We rebel. We do the opposite of what we're told. We run the opposite direction. Sometimes we come back and are forced to admit that "Mom or Dad really did know best." I think our relationship with God is the same way.

A lot of people are under the misconception that they can control whom they love or are attracted to, they "will" it to be so. I don't think it works that way. Our heart is drawn to another because we recognize something in them that is similiar to ourselves. This is the brotherly love. Then we begin to see them as one we want to be with, this is companionship. Anything further is sexual. The point is that I don't think we control that. We can try but ultimately we come up empty handed because it wasn't meant to be. And if whom we chose was in God's Will it would be a permanent selection rather than a fly by night relationship.

I don't know the answer to anything these days. All I know is that I feel like I've fallen like Alice down the rabbit's hole into wonderland. I don't speak the language and I offend. I'm lonely and I seek company. I even voiced it in this morning's meeting. I hadn't meant to say anything about it but it came rushing out and before I could check myself there it was out on the table. My sponsor was really at a loss of words. She asked afterward if I would like to talk but I had to get back to Pulaski to meet my family. She accused me of pushing her away. I'm not pushing her away exactly. I just don't think she can help me with this particular problem.

Message from my perpetual calendar:

With every difficulty
comes an opportunity.

I don't know, folks. I seem to have more difficulties at every turn. I'm wondering where the opportunities are these days. I feel like my opportunities are a double edged sword. It's like I'm called on to prove myself all the time. Do I ever get to rest?

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my get up and go. I just don't feel motivated to do anything or I'll do it half way. It's like I know I have the option to do something or not do it and I chose the latter. I'm tired.

If we keep looking behind us
at the things we did wrong,
we won't see the chances
ahead of us
to do some things right.

This is the message that my perpetual calendar has for me today. I can't help but think it is telling me a lot of things that I need to take heed to. I can not undo the past or redo some things. I must acknowledge my part in how things have gone down and forgive myself as I ask others to do the same.

I've got several projects in the works right now. Today I spent a lot of time reading and printing out microfilm on WWI. I'm going to work on a piece that goes from World War I to World War II. George has given me his blessing while also inquiring about my Ezell book. I'm also working on an idea to show the other teachers how to do recycled materials in cooperative learning. Right now it is magazines and the idea of scrap booking. I'm also buying up all the children's books that I come across at the Good Will, Hope House Warehouse and yard sales. I'm building up a library for my CDC room.

If I keep myself occupied in projects I won't have time to get lonely or feel disconnected.

Apparently I have the plague. I am feeling a little rejected right now. You know how you walk in a room and the atmosphere seems to change? It's been happening a lot lately. If I knew what I'd done wrong I could make amends or if I knew what to say to make things better I would. It's kind of weird to know that I have no control. In some ways it's very liberating and in other ways it is very frustrating.

I've been called a liar a few times in an under handed way lately. I tell a doctor that I am a diabetic but that I do not take medication and they doubt my word. Why would I make something like that up? I have never been one to like going to the doctor and I certainly shy away from extra attention.

I've got the most expensive glasses known to man coming to me in the next few weeks. The price of them is more than my truck payment and rent combined. I almost swallowed my teeth when I heard the price. I guess my eyesight has gotten that bad. I had four kinds of drops put in my eyes yesterday afternoon and they were still sort of dilated this morning when I got up. I was sent to another eye doctor today to get the tension test done because she didn't like the readings she got yesterday. The test today consisted of them numbing my eyes and putting an electronic pen to them. It didn't hurt but it felt weird for someone to be probing around my eyes.

I guess I'll be concentrating on my projects the next few weeks to help keep me grounded. But I've got to tell you that the Lithium has helped a lot. I'm better able to focus. I still get bent out of shape when I view myself being mistreated but as I know there is nothing I can do about it, I'm better able to let it go. I am the Rodney Dangerfield of Southside Elementary.

Word of the day from my perpetual calendar:

Look for the good in every day,
In every person who comes your way.
Look for the good, and whey you do,
You'll also find it inside of you.

When I saw what it said this morning I had to laugh. Last night my best friend and I were talking about our situations at work. She said something about having to practice being as quiet as a mouse because she had been reprimanded for her mouth. This morning as I drove to Hardees to get a biscuit, I thought about all that we've both talked about and I decided that she should really refer to herself as a hamster because they've got her spinning her wheel in a cage. I also thought I should regard myself as a fish living in a fish bowl. But I'm going to work at changing that. I'm going to work at being a hummingbird. They flit silently about and leave joy in their wake. If I can detach enough from what is going on around me to follow my calendar's advice I believe I can do almost anything.

My calendar also brought to mind a conversation I had with my mother last night. I told her that I had received a teacher's gift from Taylor, my drama queen. It's so ironic that all of us should receive gifts from her mother when she is the child that gives us the most trouble. Yesterday I saw another side to Taylor. She aggravated herself and Daniel enough that she wore herself out and actually took about an hour nap. That's only happened one other time.

Well, today is the day to clean rooms and just chill. I'm told that we might get to leave after lunch today. I've got an eye doctor's appointment at 3:45. It's time for bifocals folks. And I've got a ton of laundry to do. Tomorrow I'll be at school until 9:00 and then I'll be spending the day with my brother. He's got to get his ID renewed and we're going to Franklin. I'm hoping I can convince him to go see the new Indiana Jones movie with me. If not, I'll take in a matinee one day next week.

Well, it was an interesting day. My assistants were the only people who brought their children to work with them. In all there were 8 of them (that's twice what we normally have in the classroom) and none of them had brought anything to do with them. It gave me a lot to do. I sat and observed quietly as some children were excluded from activities, some got their feelings hurt and others went off to pout by themselves. I found some things for the smallest ones to do but no one monitored their activity.

I had interesting conversations with Missie and Dawn (my new friends from school), I completed my permanent files, collected items from the sensory room, printed out some other activities to work on and chilled. When the principal announced that we could leave, I booked it out of there. I'd been there since 7:00. I'd had enough.

One of the things that Dawn asked me was if I missed my old school. I answered truthfully- I miss my friends. I miss Vicki, Mary Jo, Lisa and Teresa. I miss some of my kids from there. But then I think back on where I was this time last year and I see how far I've come. So, no, I guess I don't miss the old school so much at all as I do the people that got me through my rough times.

When I came home I found some synchronicity in my e-mail. I found an e-mail sent to me by a cousin about a teacher who did an experiment with her class. She had them each to write down all the names of the children in the classroom and find one nice thing to say about them. She took it home and made each child a copy of it. Years later when one of the students died during the Viet Nam war, she discovered that each of those students had kept their list including the soldier they had all come to pay their respects to. I forwarded that to all those I thought would appreciate it.

Then, Nefertiti had sent me the verse from Psalms that says "Be Still and Know that I AM GOD." I sent her back, Psalm 37:7. And then I opened my Hazelden reading to find:

Today's thought for Hazelden is:

I've started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall. . .
--The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey

The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.

We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.

We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out - in us, in someone else, in the Universe.

We don't have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting - then we go about living it.

Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want - especially the desires of our heart - if we can learn to wait.

Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.
From: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.
--Shakespeare

Look for the Good

Life is an interpretive experience. What happens is less important than how we respond to our circumstances. An intense stimulus that some people report as pain others report as pleasure. It is we who decide what the interpretation will be.

Are you a "good finder"? A recent study of the country's millionaires showed that the most common trait they all shared was the ability to discover good in any situation. This trait is also common in "triumphant survivors" - those individuals who overcome adversity and emerge strengthened and renewed.

A sincere spiritual seeker suffering from a chronic illness wondered, "Why haven't my prayers been answered?" One day, in deep meditation the reply came: "Look for the good in your situation and you will see that the answer has already been provided." Suddenly this woman realized that her crisis provided a wonderful opportunity. She embarked on a program of nutrition, exercise, and yoga, which led to a dramatic improvement in the quality of her life.

Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Your state of mind is up to you. Choose now to look for the good.
From: Listening to Your Inner Voice by Douglas Bloch


Why Don't You and I

As sung by Nickelback

Since the moment I spotted you
I'd walk around with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies, and it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you'd know I lie

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue tied
Turns out everything I say to you
Comes out wrong, and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together
Take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
And I'll say why don't you and I hold each other
Fly to the moon and straight onto heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this Fever gonna break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a lovesick puppy chasing you around, and it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you'd know I lie

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue tied
Turns out everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together
Take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
And I'll say why don't you and I Get Together
Fly to the moon and straight onto heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

And slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
And right about the same time you walk by and I say
Oh here we go again.. oh
Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue tied
Turns out everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together
Take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
And I'll say why don't you and I Get Together
Fly to the moon and straight onto heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

Today seemed to last forever. I took a lot of the projects that I have been working on with me to school so that the assistants would have something to do. I'm still working on materials for the classroom. If it requires coloring, pasting or being cut out then I'm asking for help. The thing they don't see is that this will be a one time deal. We'll laminate everything and it will last for a long, long time. We'll be done with all the preparation.

I know a lot of their attitude is because they can't see the forest for the trees. I guess to them I'm an unrealistic visionary or even a hot head because I've allowed myself to be rattled by their behavior. That's something I really need to work on.

I went to the podiatrist today. I've got 3 pulled tendons (I think that's what he said) in my right foot. He's taped it up pretty tightly and prescribed a c-pak. I have to go back next week. At least I know that it's not my diabetes making my feet hurt so badly. I've been worried about poor circulation and other complications. I just need to buy a pair of sturdy shoes. The diabetic shoes aren't necessary.

Thursday I have an appointment with the eye doctor. I know I'm in need of a new pair of glasses. In some ways that will be a relief for me.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

It's better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
--James Thurber

Recovery is an inner journey, but it often means going outside ourselves. In the past, we often were deaf to the words of others. Now we are discovering that God gave us ears for a reason.

Listening to others may be new to us, but we have so much to gain. Others may have learned ways to solve problems we can't figure out. We may think our lives are unique, only to discover others have had the same experiences. There is so much insight, wisdom, and love to share. Now that we're stronger, we can admit we need help, and accept that help with a joyful heart.

Today let me have the courage to listen to those people whom I respect.
From: Our Best Days by Nancy Hull-Mast


I ask a lot of questions. My mother says my first word was, "Why?" and I haven't stopped asking that question. Some people think I talk a lot, too much. But it's because I've been bottled up for so long that when I finally find a listening ear, I talk.

Others think I don't talk enough. Maybe it's because I haven't quite figured some people out or I'm unsure how trustworthy they may be. I learned the hard way not to tell everything I know or think I know.

I listen more than people think I do. I study what their body language and hear what isn't said sometimes. Now, I've been accused of reading between the lines but I don't think I do that. It's more a case of intuition. To read between the lines would mean I did not listen at all. It would me I only heard snatches of conversation.

I had trouble sleeping last night. There must be a full moon. It means I'll be doing battle with Taylor today. Listening isn't required for that. Mortal combat is the task of the day and I don't feel up to it.

Hummingbird

(Lyrics by James Seals; music by James Seals & Dash Crofts, 1971)

Oh hummingbird, mankind was waiting for you to come flying along.
Heavenly songbird, we were so wrong.
We've harmed you.
Oh hummingbird, lend us your wings.
Let us soar in the atmosphere of Abba.
Lift us up to the heaven of holiness, oh source of our being, oh hummingbird.

Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
In you I've found a fragrance.
I'll love you 'til I die.
I just love you, love you, love you.
I don't even know the reason why.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
The sweetness of your nectar has drawn me like a fly.
I just love you, love you, love you.
I don't even know the reason why.
Now,hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.

Haven't you noticed the days somehow keep getting longer?
And the spirit voices whisper in us all.
Haven't you noticed the rays?
The spirit sun in stronger
And a new day is dawning for us all.

Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
The draught of understanding; wisdom, peace and love is ours.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.
Hummingbird don't fly away, fly away.



I've been working on theme units to present to the teachers when I have to speak on inclusion, portfolios, co-operative learning, etc. I stumbled onto some things that deal with the hummingbird. And I remembered this song.

I've been busy doing little errands, researching, cleaning, etc. Yesterday was a very active day. I swapped shifts with George at the library. I pitched my idea for articles to him and he gave me his blessing. Last night was my first official time to help count the contribution after mass. I'm getting to know the Geigers. They seem very nice.

Today has been about rest. I've not done much of anything. Took a long nap this afternoon. Awoke to find Cocoa sleeping on my back. She served as a live heating pad. Wish she'd stretch out on my legs.

I began my new medication last night. Lithium. I still don't know how to feel about being prescribed this. But if it will make me feel better, I'm all for that. I'm pretty much at peace with myself. I still have a lot of pain in my right leg. It extends from my hip down to my foot. It was suggested that it might be the sciatic nerve (spelling?) causing me problems. I don't know what it is but it is very painful. I've got a podiatrist appointment on Tuesday after school. Hopefully the doctor will tell me something helpful. Thursday I have an eye exam.

Today's thought for Hazelden is:

Most of all, let love guide your life . . .
--Colossians 3:14

Envy of another's good fortune puts distance between us. We forget fortune visits us all, though it's frequently disguised in experiences we dread. Resentments over forgotten appointments or misplaced mementos also result in distances that discourage the growth we deserve.

How different the days will unfold when we greet each person, every experience with a warm heart, the gesture of friendship, and a calm spirit.

With feelings of love guiding our thoughts and grooming our actions, we're certain of finding pleasure in all the tiny crevices of life.
From: Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Friday, May 16

Every part of the journey is of importance to the whole.


ST. TERESA OF AVILA


St. Teresa was a mystic. I think it's kind of synchronicity for her to be in the e-quiet moment. I also think the saying means something for me today.

Dr. Graves is prescribing Lithium for me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. My mother takes that for her bi-polar disorder. I asked the nurse if Dr. Graves was saying I was bi-polar and she said not necessarily. He thought it would make the Celexa more affective. I don't know. I think the Lithium is what gives Mom so much trouble. I've got enough problems I don't need to add more.

Today was extremely hectic and exhausting. Taylor and Daniel really showed out. I had very little help in the way of muscle. I'm tired tonight.

PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
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Lesson 314:
"I seek a future different from the past."
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The past and the future are one in the fact that they are really nothing. The truth is there is no time. There is only the eternal present in Love. As I open more and more to the Holy Spirit's healing perception, I am brought to the awareness that only Love is real. This Love is eternal and so the past and future are really not there.

I have been so ingrained in thinking in terms of a past and future that it takes vigilance to let go of this belief. It is a false belief and my job now is to open my mind to let my belief in time be undone by the Holy Spirit.

In the eternal present there is peace, there is quiet, there is Love, joy and happiness. Today my practice is to continue to open my mind to the Holy Spirit so that I may become more aware of the eternal present. In the Light of the truth, the false ideas about time and space gently fall away. There is only the eternal now. Love is. God is. And then we cease to speak.

The fearful ranting of the ego becomes just silly ideas that could never be true when seen through the eyes of the Holy Spirit. If I do not believe in these ideas, they cannot take hold. The prison doors open. Each day now is a journey without distance as I gradually accept the truth of the eternal present and allow sin, guilt and fear to fall by the wayside.

We all are in Heaven now. All that is real is in the Mind of God, now and forever. Everyone is saved. God is real and nothing else exists. That is true now and for eternity.

Today I practice stepping back from the false ideas of the ego and letting my mind be cleared of all belief in guilt. As the Holy Spirit shines away each mistaken thought, a pathway is built leading to Heaven, where I never left.

We all wake up together realizing the truth is true and nothing else is true. We are a Thought in the Mind of God. We are still as God created us. We can relax now. We remain an extension of Love for eternity. In quiet we return to where we never left.


The ego sees the future as a projection of the past. It overlooks the present entirely. The Holy Spirit sees the future as an extension of the present. Thus to the Holy Spirit the future is now. The way we allow ourselves to experience a future different from the past is by letting the past go. Once again we come back to the Course's central theme of forgiveness.

As we learn to let the Holy Spirit guide our perceptions, the world we see serves a different purpose. Instead of the ego's purpose of holding guilt in place, the world now becomes a mirror, showing us where forgiveness is still needed and giving us another opportunity to free ourselves.

As I remember that everything in my world symbolizes what is in my mind, I can take each symbol to the Holy Spirit and open my mind to His perception. As I release my perception into His hands, I let go of the past and I am one step closer to letting the future be like the present.

My guilt is undone because the Holy Spirit teaches me that in truth I have done nothing to change God or His holy Son. I remain as God created me. This is my future and my present. No image in my mind can replace the Son of God. No image is worthy of the Son and is therefore not worthy of me. As I release attachment to all images, I free myself to see that I am still as God created me. Today I continue my practice of bringing all my perceptions to the Holy Spirit and opening my mind to His kind and gentle correction. Thus will I let the future be an extension of the eternal present.


I began this morning responding to questions about my Tuesday post to the on-line Al-Anon group. I had made the mistake of voicing an opinion. Basically what I said was that I wish groups were up for taboo topics being discussed openly. I used the wrong choice of words. What I really meant was I need to talk about relationships and how confused and backward I feel in comparison to others out there who are dating. The groups I attend are largely made up of married people. Few singles attend and those that do usually become 13th steppers. I'm not the promiscuous type, never have been.

But I'm kind of glad I threw the topic out there now because I've had a few responses to what I had to say. One man actually told me to stop looking at the past- to let go of all that happened and stop looking at all that could go wrong. He essentially told me to take a leap of faith.

I just got back from my counseling appointment. I talked about all the things that have gone on with me since I last met with Melanie. Because I had begun the morning on what I feel was a strong note, it was pay day and my mother's prayers had been answered (she prayed that I'd be in charge of my classroom) I had a good day. I was optimistic when I entered Melanie's office. I feel that made the difference.

I am being asked to join some kind of committee to help Centerstone and I may be involved in a group later on. She even asked me what I'd want in a group for myself. I had to laugh. It was funny. No one has ever asked me what I might want in a support group. The one thing I'm adament about is that I don't want to be responsible for the group or to be the healthiest one in it. I got sick when that happened in the last group. I can't be put in that position ever again.

We talked about my job situation and those blasted assistants. She told me to start thinking of them as weak rather than bitchy. That's what I've been doing. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't.

We talked about my health and all the doctor's appointments I have lined up. We talked about relationships and my confusion.

You name it- Melanie and I covered it. I learned that I am not such an odd ball. I'm actually more normal and healthier than most people she sees. She says I'm at a plateau, asking myself, "What's next?" I think that's very accurate. I feel blessed to have Melanie as my therapist. I had not wanted to lose my former sponsor because I thought she was right on the money for me but I think this has been a God thing for me. I can't even remember the last therapist's name now. Isn't that weird?

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The answer to personality problems is found in a quiet return to Godlike thinking.
--Science of Mind magazine

When we're edgy and critical or perhaps feeling inadequate or depressed, we've lost our attunement with God. And when acting the way God would have us act is no longer our priority, our character defects once again emerge and, in time, grow ever more numerous.

We can make the simple decision to always check out our proposal behavior against the behavior we know is from God. When we remember to think of God first before proceeding, we avoid unnecessary conflicts; we refrain from consciously hurting anyone; we manage to take our experiences restfully, moment by moment.

There's really no mystery to having a rewarding and peaceful life. Those we notice who do have likely made a more frequent companion of God than we. The decision to work more on our own friendship with God is an easy one to make.

I will act according to God's wishes today and, in the process, strengthen our friendship.
From: In God's Care by Karen Casey


It's hard to maintain focus amid so much criticism. Even when I know what works and what doesn't I have a hard time getting others to at least try it. But I really feel the problem is that I did not live up to the expectations of others. Unfairly they thought I would have all the answers up front. I was not given the opportunity to analyze the situation to discover the pay off. And, too, I was doing things that should have fallen to the nurse. I can only wear so many hats.

I also did not live up to the expectations in Al-Anon or in my family. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm in the wrong. It gets very old to hear or feel the criticism and anger in the air. At some point I'd like to hear something else.

At least when I come home I am not bombarded with expectations and criticism. My cats can't talk!

You May Be Right

As sung by Billy Joel

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I'm sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through bedford study alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I'm insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
'cause you might enjoy some madness for awhile

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I'm crazy then its true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right

I received an answer from the retired professor who is reviewing my article on The Southern Renaissance. He likes it! He doesn't think anything needs to be added. While, I'm grateful for his input, in the back of my mind I remember what Linda had to say about it and I'm trying to rework it so that it isn't just some fluff piece in a historical journal.

I have an ally among the faculty of Southside. Dawn told me whatever I might do not to leave Southside because I am needed. It felt really good to hear that after this rough year.

When I took my gifts into Jane and April's baby shower after school, I felt very self-conscious. I had misread the memo. I thought we had taken up money for the substitute who is also expecting and that the teachers were responsible for bringing gifts. I only bought for Jane and April. When I saw that very few others had, I felt a little silly especially since I only bubble wrapped mine. But when they saw what was in there they were appreciative. I wasn't the only one to bubble wrap. Mrs. Bell and Mrs. Bass did, too. So, I didn't feel so bad.

No one showed for a meeting with me tonight but I was prepared. I had books to do research in. It was not time wasted.

Linda and I talked for a while last night about some stuff. She doesn't think I'm reading more into things than are there. She believes I am seeing and hearing what I'm telling her. It's a relief to finally find someone who believes me. She just thinks that I'm dealing with a very confused person. That's what I've been saying! Doesn't anyone ever listen to me?

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Reflection for the Day

There is no advantage, no profit and certainly no growth when I deceive myself merely to escape the consequences of my own mistakes. When I realize this, I know I'll be making progress. "We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us," wrote Thomas Merton in No Man Is an Island. "But we make ourselves true inside by manifesting the truth as we see it." Am I true to myself?

Today I Pray

May I count on my Higher Power to help me carry out the truth as I see it. May I never duck a consequence again. Consequence ducking became a parlor game for chemically addictive persons like me, until we lost all sense of relationship between action and outcome. Now that I am healing, please God, restore my balance.

Today I Will Remember

Match the act with the consequence.
From: A Day at a Time (Softcover) by Anonymous


There's my old pal Thomas Merton. I think that I am being as true to myself as I can be. For the first time in a long, long time I know who I am and sort of what I want. It would be easy for me to look at others and say that they have missed the boat entirely but it's not my business. Sometimes I need to learn to walk away. This may be one of those times.

I also see the topic- balance- in this reading. I've felt disconnected and off balance for some time now. I went to a meeting last night and felt a little better for having done so. I know I've needed a meeting for some time. The problem was that I did not have the gas to get over to Lawrenceburg. I was doing well to keep gas in my vehicle for driving around here. I rode on fumes last week.

Things were okay at school today. Work was the topic of conversation at the Al-Anon meeting last night. I don't want anyone to give me advice or try to solve my problems but I did ask for prayers. I think I had a lot of people praying for me to make it through the day. I did have to tangle with the drama queen this afternoon but I did not touch her in any way. I merely blocked her into the corner until she could calm down. When that didn't work I walked away and left her to stew in her own juices. My body hurts too much to wrestle with her and my job is too important for me to lose.

I have a new internet buddy. He's an English professor from Pennyslvania. He's going to help me find some more information on the Donald Davidson. I want to turn that article into a series of articles for the bicentennial issues of the Giles County Historical Society Bulletin.

Don't Wait

The longer you wait,
the colder your feet.
The colder your feet,
the longer you wait.
Don't wait.

These are the words on my perpetual calendar this morning. I guess I look at this in a few different ways.

First, I think of the phrases- "Don't let opportunities pass you by"
and "Opportunity only knocks once." My cousin sent me a forward about the gratitude campaign that a person from Seattle had started. It's geared toward the military but I think it could work when communicating gratitude to anyone. It's signing the words "Thank you" toward the person you. But I think we could also express our love toward people while we're all still together with a simple hug (There's a hug campaign going on also. You can find both campaigns on Youtube.).

Second, I think about the times when my Higher Power tells me to "wait". I think those are the times when I'm exercising self-will and asking to do His will.

Third, I think of this in terms of "once bitten, twice shy". It's fear of rejection. That's when I guess I have to take a leap of faith. I can stick my toe in to test the water and wade in gradually or I can plunge on in. Then, once I'm in there I can issue an invitation, "Come on in the water's fine."


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PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
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Lesson 310:
"In fearlessness and love I spend today."
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Love and fear cannot coexist. When I accept Love into my heart, fear is gone. The Love of God has no conditions or limits. It is given equally to all. There are no reservations. There is no Love held back in reserve in case some extra may be needed sometime, because Love is limitless.

The ego thinks in terms of limitation. It cannot conceive of giving everything away, because to the ego, this means loss. But to Love, giving all of Itself away brings joy, because Love gives only to Love, for only Love is real.

In Love, giving and receiving are the same. In the ego, giving is loss and receiving is gain. But they are never the same. Receiving Love into my heart makes me fearless. I am fearless because I have recognized that within me is the Source of all strength, which unites me with everything that is. With nothing outside me, there is nothing to fear. This fearlessness does not come from having mightier weapons or great physical strength. It does not come with believing I have power to overcome all my enemies. This fearlessness comes from recognizing I have no enemies, for everything that is, is one with me in Love.

Today I ask the Holy Spirit to help me see the Love in all my brothers that unites me with them and them with me. I ask for help in seeing past form to the heart of Love that lies in all things. I see this through forgiveness, through letting go of the past, through letting go of false images that make it look as though I am separate. With Holy Spirit's help I will look upon a forgiven world and welcome Love into my heart.


The two sentences that stand out to me today in this lesson are, "We spend this day together, you and I," (2:1) and "There is no room in us for fear today, for we have welcomed love into our hearts." (2:4) Jesus is asking me to join with him in giving Love welcome. So my job today is to join with Jesus in remembering Love. When I open my mind to Jesus, he reminds me that only Love is real and that anything else is illusion. When I am willing to remember that only Love is real, fear is impossible. There is no need for defense, no need for attack, no need to look for differences, no need to be afraid.

Love is sharing all with all. Love is sharing one Identity. Today I welcome seeing one Identity. Today I practice welcoming Love as it really is. There is no specialness in Love and there is no specialness in me or any form found in this world. Today I would let myself be carried by Love and remember that Love is all that is true and real. In fearlessness and Love I spend today.


Most Holy Spirit, my Heavenly Divine Guidance, please help me remember that today I would spend with my Father and in so doing, I will not be afraid to love or be loved. And if I should stray, Holy Spirit, help me remember that it is just an opportunity for me to heal and be set free, which is my Father's will for me. Amen

This is today's lesson sent to me by Pathways of Light. I call this synchronicity. Love and fear mentioned in the same lesson that seems to be along the same lines as my thoughts on the saying from my perpetual calendar. Add to that that today is Pentacostal Sunday. The priest spoke on some of these very things. Wow!

Now if only I can extend this into my classroom with my assistants...

Daily E-Quiet Moment from Catholic Digest

Saturday, May 10

The eyes of the Lord are upon those who love Him;
He is their mighty shield and strong support,
A shelter from the heat, a shade from the noonday sun,
a guard against stumbling, a help against falling.
He buoys up the spirits, brings a sparkle to the eyes,
gives health and life and blessing.


SIRACH 34:16-17


Whoo hoo! My stimulus money is in the bank! I can have my truck checked out. I can get a few groceries. I can buy the baby shower gifts for next week. I can pay my cafeteria bill at school. Thank you, God!

It is through our trials
rather than our triumphs
that we are made strong.

These are the words from my perpetual calendar today. Now, a part of me wants to know why I need to be so strong. What purpose does it serve? Is there some kind of crisis coming down the pike that I need to know about? Another part of me acknowledges that trials bring me closer to my Higher Power and to myself ultimately. It's just that I'd like to have a stretch of time where things went well for a change.

Before I came into Al-Anon I had to be in control all the time. I rarely ever let down my guard and when I did I always regretted it. I was an in-your-face person, always angry. I tried to control everyone and everything to make my life run smoother. I learned from going to meetings and being around program people that I have no control. So I gradually let go.

First, I let go of my alcoholic/addict and let him suffer his own consequences. My load felt lighter. Then, I let go of my family- my mother and brother. My load was lighter except for the guilt that others tried to heap on me. Next, came my classroom where things were out of control no matter what I did. I felt like a failure. Last came Al-Anon which was all I had left. I felt abandoned and lonely. But my Higher Power reminded me that he was near and I had a few acquaintances and friends left even if they were miles away from me.

Today I battle with depression, resentment and anger. I don't understand why it means so much to Jennifer to stand taller than the teacher in a CDC room. It's not brain surgery. In some ways it's glorified babysitting, for Pete's sake. I don't understand why Kim has to critique every little thing. What does it gain? Why not let me do my job in my own way? Why not let me be happy being me and doing what I love?

Some days I do well to even get to work. I ache all over and I'm low on funds. But I still keep trucking. Why do I have to have a tense atmosphere to boot?

I tried all night to give God these horrible feelings and then some thought would come to me and I was gritting my teeth again, wrestling the bed. Today I pray for peace in the valley. If I've got to go through a valley I wish for peace.

I did call Dr. Grave's nurse yesterday after school to tell her how I was doing with my medication. Hopefully when I go in on the 15th to see my therapist I'll have a new prescription waiting for me.

I have comp time built up believe it or not- 8 hours worth. Didn't know it until last week. If I don't use them I lose them. Last Friday I took an hour. Today I took almost 3 hours. I don't imagine I'll have the rest used before next Thursday but I will sure try my best.

I'm home now and loving it. Today I decided to just work on paperwork at school. I had a pile of it that I had been putting off. I worked on it for over 3 hours. I watched and listened to my assistants.

Jennifer steps up because no one else will. At first she had Daniel telling her every 5 minutes that he loved her which should have clued her in. He was up to something. She fell for it and by 12:00 she was wrestling with him in the corner.

Stephanie doesn't do much of anything except stand around. I think she's at a loss of what to do. If it's not pencil and paper work she is clueless. Well, what does she do to entertain and teach her own children? Read to them, do puzzles, play dress up with the dolls, etc. All of those things may seem simple but that is what is used to teach the very low functioning kids. Paper work is wasted on them. I did finally point out the laminating that I needed done. She looked relieved to do something, anything. At one point it was just she and I in the room. I was working on paperwork. She got a run for her money out of Daniel, who became all lovey dovey when Jennifer came back into the room. He's got it all figured out. He runs over Stephanie and butters up Jennifer.

Kim spent most of the morning running around like a chicken with her head cut off, worrying about the baby showers for next week. She has absolutely no control over the kids and doesn't even try. She was not my pick for the classroom. And I want her gone. It's easy to criticize others when you're a spectator rather than a participant.

So, my stance is a hands off policy. I will focus only on what I am doing in the classroom- paperwork, working one-on-one, etc.- and tune each of them out. It was hard today but I did do it.

I guess I’m feeling a little self-pity because my life appears to be in the toilet. I feel the same way I did when I walked into Al-Anon almost 5 years ago.

But as Linda pointed out God has been answering my prayers. I need to stop focusing on the negative things and start focusing on the positive.

I feel as if I’ve done the best that I can do and should stop being so hard on myself. This year is almost behind me and it has been a learning process.

I feel out of balance right now. I’m trying to identify what I’m feeling to regain composure. Not control- composure.

I need to keep my mind focused on the Four Agreements. Mainly, I need to remember that what others say and do is about them and has nothing to do with me. I need to stop reacting to people. Linda’s right. The assistants are retaliating because they did not like their evaluations.

It’s hard to do but I’ve got to stop focusing on what Kim and Jennifer are doing and focus on my own stuff. Maybe I should take the principal’s suggestion- just do the paperwork and let the assistants handle the kids.

I have been trying to make friends with my assistants. It can’t be done. They do not wish to be my friend. Linda is right. God is sending people my way that have nothing to do with my assistants. People are beginning to warm up to me.

I expected to find a professional atmosphere in this school system. It doesn’t exist. I have to adhere to standards but no one else does. It’s hard not to be resentful.

It’s true I had once again put myself in the victim role. It’s not just about school. I’ve got resentments regarding Al-Anon. I asked for help from different state officers and they sent me back to Jane, who hates me. She would rather go to the assistance of any other Al-Anon group but mine.

I will continue to pray for God to take these horrible feelings from me. They are interfering with my sanity and my serenity. I want to have a peaceful existence, not one based on anger and resentment.

It does bother me to listen as Kim and Jennifer talk about their lives. I don’t understand how people who seem to have such wonderful lives could be so critical.

I’ve got to quit comparing my insides to other people’s outsides. I am okay. I have problems but I’m a lot better off than I once was.

I need to remember that this too shall pass. Nothing lasts for ever including good times.


I’m working on something to find gratitude about.

Like I said, I’m working on it. I guess I could be grateful to work for a principal that believes in second chances because I have not been at my personal best this year.

It's Not Easy to Be Me

As sung by David Gray

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
Well it’s all right…
You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ...... inside of me ...(x2)

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream


I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

It’s not easy ... wu.. hoo.. hoo..
It’s not easy to be me...

Little did I know when I heard this song this morning that it was going to be my theme for the day. I got called on the carpet for disciplining Taylor. I know that I went about it the wrong way but there is only so much I can do. These assistants (mostly Jennifer) have looked at me all year as one who could fix these kids and I just don't have the magic powers to do it. I got frustrated in trying to gain some control over her and I did the wrong thing for the right reason.

Then came the paper work for Lakale's meeting. I was missing a few things but I scrambled around to get them done. When the meeting came we were under a tornado warning. The meeting was postponed until next week. Thankfully his mother does not hold me accountable for the weather. But an assistant got her worried when she came looking for Lakale. He was safe and sound the entire time. He was getting his hearing and vision tested with Mrs. Jackson. But when mom got worried she went in search of him and that set him off. He went into total melt down. I don't blame the assistant but I think in this case out of line. Lakale has an assistant who is more than capable of keeping up with him.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. These people aren't real. I can't get over the unprofessional attitude these people take. But then maybe I'm overly cautious because I've been on the losing end before. I am extremely skittish around people who do not take their jobs seriously. Kim's got to go and Jennifer will have to travel some next year. I will not put it all off on Stephanie.

Sweet Gypsy Rose, I need a meeting! Too bad there isn't a healthy one near me that I can get to.

I took today off because I wasn't feeling well when I got up this morning. Linda calls this practicing "HALT". I'm not so sure she knows what the acronym stands for. I think I was practicing "stop" which isn't an ancronym for anything. I just decided that I needed the rest and I stayed home.

My mother came to my rescue in the afternoon. I've got the Jewish penicilin cooking in my crock pot. She also brought me a candy bar because my sugar was low. I think I'm going to be okay. But I sure wish I had a diet Pepsi right about now. I haven't had any caffeine since Sunday. Caffeine headache hasn't set in yet but I expect it to.

The movie Rent is on tonight on FX. I just caught the opening song. It always gives me pause to think and I can't explain the feelings I have when I hear the words. I loaned my DVD of it to Linda. I've got the soundtrack on CD. It's funny how little I listen to my CDs I keep meaning to sit and just listen to the music but I don't know- something stops me from it. Maybe it's the music I hear in my head.

It's dawned on me several times today that I am off balance. I don't seem to have a grip on the things going on around me. For two days now I've taken double my dose of Celexa. I'm beginning to think the medication isn't working any more. I feel awful. Linda thinks that once I get my health back on track that things will fall back into place. I don't think so. I'm more isolated than I've ever been. I think that is what is bothering me. My health only magnifies the feeling.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Freedom is like taking a bath - you have to keep doing it every day!
--Flo Kennedy

Nothing stands still. Change is the law of life. We may sometimes feel that our personal gains have to be won over and over again. But looked at from another perspective, that's not so. Our solid personal gains are the ones that no one and nothing can take away from us.

They are tools for continued growth. Jobs, lovers, houses may change, but serenity and freedom of spirit are within our power to achieve - to maintain - or to give away.

Freedom means choice; our choice of what we do with our bodies, our money, our lives. If we decline to choose, the choice will be made for us. If we don't use or claim our freedom, we are giving it away. Our lives need our active, creative participation every moment.

Like bathing, I must daily exercise my freedom. No one can do it for me.
From: The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

This feeds directly into the Tuesday focus on CAL that I sent to my on-line group. Problems are gifts. I just need to learn to press on.

I got up feeling depressed this morning. I had a dream last night about my old school having fire damage. My former principal called me to see what I'd left in the old room that belonged to me personally.

The night before I dreamed about being one of those who put apples in the bags from which they are sold in the grocery store. Friday night I relived one of the horrific episodes from my marriage in my dreams. I fought the bed and, thankfully, the bed won. I don't remember what I dreamed of on Saturday night. I guess I was too tired to dream. I'm not sure what the message should be but they're certainly interesting dreams.

Any way as I was saying I awoke feeling depressed. I've had to give myself a good talking to and say some prayers. I really want to stay at home today but it would be better for me to go on to work.

You know that stimulus money that Bush wants us all to receive? I sure could use it right about now. No gas for truck. Very little food in kitchen. It could be a very long 10 days until pay day.

Linda called me on some of my crap this weekend. She sees that I am struggling with medical issues and applauded my efforts to get appointments made. I just hope I haven't waited too late on some of them. She also sees that I am not detached enough toward certain people. She predicts heart break on the horizon.

I had a weekend to gather information and to think about some things. I also had a weekend to observe the difference between my world and Linda's. She's a lot more forgiving than I am. I have some bitter resentments that plague me at times. I've had to learn to let them go. But it's hard some times. I see so much prejudice in the world. It's not always about race. There are other reasons people give for judging their fellow man.

This week's topic in the on-line Al-Anon group is gratitude. This might be a good time to make a gratitude list.

A- Air conditioner (my landlord fixed mine finally)
B- batteries
C- Cats (my companions)
D- Doctors
E- e-mail
F- Family
G- George (he rescued me yesterday)
H- Honesty
I- Internet
J- Jane Ussery
K- kittens
L- Linda
M- Mike, Marian
N- neighbors
O- open minded people
P- PTO (they hosted a luncheon for us)
Q- Quedarrius (I still think about him)
R- Radio
S- Stephanie (I think she and I are finally on the same page)
T- television
U- understanding
V- vibrators
W- wishful thinking
X- Xena- she's no longer on my TV but I remember her well
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zero, my hero

This weekend while I was at Linda's apartment I did a little bit of work on my Southern Renaissance article. I got to thinking about the three eras that the four pillars- Ransom, Davidson, Tate, and Warren- moved through the literary world. They were Fugitives- young with their whole lives ahead of them and thought they had answers to everything. Then they were Agarians- older, perhaps wiser, and ready to defend a dying way of life. Last they were the New Critics- trying to help others who were writing to not fall victim to the same snares that they had. Their eras portrayed life. A few songs came to mine but one really stuck in my head. All I could hear was "Don't you look back...."

Don't Stop

As sung by Fleetwood Mac

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.

The sermon at Linda's church put me in mind to this, too. It's about pressing on to the mark of the higher calling. It's about believing in yourself and not allowing others to steal your blessings. But it's also about living in the present while dreaming of a brighter future.

I'm in Sylacagua, Alabama visiting my bff. She's napping and I am looking for something quiet to do. I spent a while this afternoon, helping her learn to put a screen saver on her laptop, defrag and send e-cards. Apparently she's lost because it's a laptop instead of a desk top computer with a tower. She's got an MP3 player she wants to give me when she gets her new one. How cool is that?

Last night we went to the Relay for Life in Coosa County. It was kind of neat. Today's events for the most part got rained out. But we managed to make the health fair. I've got flyers and pamphlets to look at for diabetic shoes before I go see the podiatrist. Also have information on neuropathy that I am interested in learning more about.

I am being stalked or harrassed by the computer program that is giving me fits. Three times a day, every day, I get a message telling me that paperwork is out of compliance. I've done everything I know to fix it and still I can't print. I've begun to think that it's something on the other end. The problem with that is that the county does not get paid for each child that is out of compliance.

Linda is sending me money for gas to get me down to Sylacagua this weekend. She wants a cheering section for her as she takes part in the Relay for Life. She and Anthony are no longer together. Deana isn't speaking to her. All that is left is me. This is a good time for me to go. The walls are starting to close in on me.

I used to a have a few recovery buddies that took the place of my lost friends. Mac and I went to the movies, grabbed a bite to eat, hung out or spent hours on the telephone. Elaine K. and Elaine S. used to do things with me, too, as did Ann. Since I can no longer take the drama of their lives, I don't have anyone to do those things with any more. I miss it. I was hoping that Darcy from church, or Carrie one of the subs or even Sam would be replacements but no such luck.

I don't want to get my hopes up about the money I'm supposed to get from the tax thing Bush set up because my refund went back to the IRS for what I owed on last year. But I sure could use the money right about now. I'm flat broke. My paycheck doesn't stretch like it should. It would help if they'd pay us twice a month. I could spread my bills out. But the problem for the last few months had been the electric bill. I had a leak that drove the water portion of that bill way up. Last month's bill was $420.

It sucks to be responsible.

Here I am more than 12 hours later. I nagged the folks at central office until they sent someone over to look at what was going on with my program. We discovered that it was the fault on the part of the school psychologist; although, I also needed to change some dates. When the school psychologist found out about it she sent me an odd response. I'm not sure I believe her apology but it's irrelevant. She had to fix her part.

I told some of this to the paradox and he thought it was funny (it is sort of). But when I'm chasing my tail trying to figure out something for a couple of hours my sense of humor goes south.

I'm gonna tell you something. The aides in my room think I'm stupid. It's like talking to a teenager. I get the eye rolls and everything. Who cares? They haven't lived my life. I definitely don't want theirs.