Love You Inside and Out

As sung by the Bee Gees

Baby, I can't figure it out
Your kisses taste like honey
Sweet lies don't gimme no rise
Oh, oh what you're trying to do?

Livin' on your cheatin'
and the pain grows inside me
It's enough to leave me crying in the rain
Love you forever but you're
driving me insane
and I'm hanging on
Oh, oh, I'll win, I'll never give in

Our love has got the power
Too many lovers in one lifetime
ain't good for you
You treat me like a vision in the night
Someone there to stand behind you
When your world ain't working right

I ain't no vision, I am the man
who loves you inside out
backwards and forwards with
my heart hanging out
I love no other way

What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
Wrap myself up and take me home again
Too many heartaches in one
lifetime ain't good for me
I figure it's the love that keeps you warm

Let this moment be forever
we won't ever feel the storm
I ain't no vision, I am the man
who loves you inside out
backwards and forwards with
my heart hanging out

I love no other way
What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
Don't try to tell me it's all over
I can't hear a word I can't hear a line
No man could love you more
And that's what I'm cryin' for
You can't change the way I feel inside

You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow
Blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow
No man on earth can stand
between my love and I
And no matter how you hurt me
I will love you till I die

I ain't no vision, I am the man
who loves you inside out
backwards and forwards with
my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?



I used to hear the Bee Gees every day on the radio station I listen to. I don't hear them played any more. I'm not sure if it is because the radio station has changed its format or if it is because I hardly listen to the radio any more. They have a new morning show that I really haven't gotten used to and I wind up putting in one of my CDs.

Or maybe it's a God thing. I always conjured up images of one of my acquaintances when I hear the Bee Gees played. A lot of wishful thinking- yeah, I thought he was slurpalicous. But it wasn't reality.

Nota, an Al-Anon friend of mine, and I have had a rather lively bunch of e-mail exchanges. It seems Linda had asked her help with obtaining some speaker tapes. Apparently the sometimes pushy Linda had pushed too much and Nota was kinda fed up. She sent me Linda's e-mail by mistake. I responded by telling her that I had no idea what she was talking about and that she had already done enough for Linda. I ended the e-mail with, "Breathe, Nota, breathe." She e-mailed me today to tell me that those e-mails became the Al-Anon topic at her meeting last night. She covered reacting, taking care of self, and the slogan "How important is it" while allowing Linda and I to remain anonymous.

Time of the Season

As sung by the Zombies

It's the time of the season
When the love runs high
In this time, give it to me easy
And let me try
With pleasured hands

To take you and the sun to
Promised lands
To show you every one
It's the time of the season for loving

What's your name?
(What's your name?)
Who's your daddy?
(Who's your daddy? He rich?)
Is he rich like me?

Has he taken
(Has he taken)
Any time
(Any time to show)
To show you what you need to live?
Tell it to me slowly
Tell you what?
I really want to know
It's the time of the season for loving

What's your name?
(What's your name?)
Who's your daddy?
(Who's your daddy? He rich?)
Is he rich like me?

Has he taken
(Has he taken)
Any time
(Any time to show)
To show you what you need to live?
Tell it to me slowly
Tell you what?
I really want to know
It's the time of the season for loving


I heard this music playing in the back ground of a program I was watching today. There were no words. It was just the melody. I kept listening and soon I was humming. It was driving me crazy. I couldn't remember what the name of the song was. All I kept hearing in my head was, "What's your name? Whose your daddy?" I had to look it up. Not sure what any of it means for me.

I had an interview today with the special education director of the county. I'm one of three that she is making a decision on. She said I am the only one interviewed that had experience in what she was looking at and I came with ideas. I'm not going to hold my breath on this. I hope I get the job but if I don't, oh, well. I tried.

Loves Me Like a Rock

As sung by Paul Simon

When I was a little boy, (when I was just a boy)
And the devil would call my name (when I was just a boy)
I'd say now who do,
Who do you think you're fooling? (when I was just a boy)
I'm a consecrated boy (when I was just a boy)
I'm a singer in a Sunday choir
Oh , my mama loves, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

When I was grown to be a man (grown to be a man)
And the devil would call my name (grown to be a man)
I'd say now who do,
Who do you think you're fooling? (grown to be a man)
I'm a consummated man (grown to be a man)
I can snatch a little purity
My mama loves me, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

And if I was president (was the president)
The minute congress call my name (was the president)
I'd say who do,
Who do you think you're fooling? (who do you think youre fooling)
I've got the presidential seal (was the president)
I'm up on the presidential podium
My mama loves me
She loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me

Fade out:
She love me, love me, love me, love me
(loves me like a rock)

I have no idea why this song popped into my head today but that line, "who do you think you're fooling" was what kept going through my mind. I was trying to wrap my head around why Beck was so off kilter today. She was, as Elyce puts it, "pressing" me into doing stuff. It was like her eye was totally focused on me. She kept plugging away with a sense of urgency. I felt cornered, hemmed in. I lost my serenity momentarily and then I remembered the Four Agreements that my sponsor gave me. One of them says, "What others do and say has nothing to do with you. What others say and do is them." So, I kind of backed off from how her behavior made me feel and I looked at the situation a little differently. She had asked to meet for lunch because she was out of sorts to begin. Then came the phone call about all the rain and the snake that got into the barn. Her sense of urgency had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

I believe she was trying to stuff whatever what bothering her by moving her focus from the real problem to me. Yes, I am not doing so well in the job hunting department, but I'm okay financially for now. All I have is now. I can't worry about tomorrow.

Yes, I keep hitting a brick wall with the newspaper. They have promised twice to put the add in the paper about the World War II book that I'm working on. But even that isn't an urgent endeavor. We do have surveys coming in from the vets.

From that she turned to Al-Anon and wanting to get the word out that we exist. She wants to see more people in the meeting. People come and go. It's the ebb and flow of recovery. It's not something we have control over. Besides, I learned my lesson about public relations a few years back. All you can do is post flyers. You can't go beat the bushes to solicit members. It doesn't work that way. At any rate I hope she eventually calms down. If not, the meeting Monday night will be one hell of a lulu.

I never thought I'd say this but I'm actually grateful to be in the situation I am in at present. The Swine 'Flu is going through the school system like crazy. I'm being spared that.

I've heard from Vicki today. After speaking with her, I've decided that teachers have less than 10% chance of being able to discipline the students when they become out of control. And parents who back their wild children sue if the teacher tries to regain control of the classroom. It makes me glad I'm not teaching at present.

I don't know what the world is coming to. I don't worry about such things. I am content to take care of my small part. I'm ever so grateful to be at a peaceful place in my life right now. Sure, there are things I dislike about my situation but I've learned that those are the things I have the least amount of imput about. So, I resolve to become content whatever my situation may be. It's easy enough to focus on the things I do not have. But where would that get me? I'd rather concentrate on the things that are being provided for me. By doing that I remain in the moment and maintain an attitude of gratitude.

Yesterday I heard from three of my four sponsees. Becky wants to do lunch one day this week. She feels the need to escape work. Not sure what's going on but I'm grateful she chose to escape with me. Elyce needed to vent and to calm down. I'm still unsure how I came to be the calm one. Seems rather strange to me. I always had such a hair trigger temper. Linda wanted to talk about the latest snags in her house hunting. She also wanted to issue an invitation to visit any time I want. I know I can visit. The problem is that I financially can't.

Uncle Billy Bob called last night. Yes, I actually have an Uncle Billy Bob. I also had an Aunt Bea at one time, too. I guess that makes me the quintecential Southerner, huh? Any way, Uncle Billy Bob called to ask about my brother. It seems Barry called him a little while back. He was impressed at how much calmer Barry is and wanted to know how he came to be living in Lebanon. It's kind of funny to me. None of the family wants to be involved with decision making when the problem is up close in personal. Oh, they'll support any decision you make but to actually get their hands dirty- forget it. You might as well be on a deserted island. No one shows up. At least that's what my experience with both sides of the family has been. But Uncle Billy Bob did remember that I tried several years ago to get Barry into a situation like this but failed. So, maybe it wasn't such a bad conversation.

I've begun to put together a scrap book of my twenty years of teaching. Has it really been twenty years? Where did time go? I have actually found pictures of when I did one of my student teachings back in 1987. So, I've actually got 22 years of teaching mapped out here. Gosh, the memories and emotions that have come back to me are unreal. Was I really that person with the Sally Jessie Raphael red, big frame glasses? Did I really coach basketball? I've not only changed a lot physically but I've evolved as a human being.

In November I will be telling my story for the third time in a speaker meeting. I've been remembering all the Joey stuff as Elyce calls daily for some ESH. I'm also remembering some of the childhood stuff as Mom talks about Dad and Linda talks about her own father. But today the stuff that came to me were about who I am or was apart from being the child of an alcoholic and the wife of one. I looked at who I was when I was at work and sometimes lived away from my family. Wow, I can't begin to tell you how much of a revolation that was! I also found a deck of cards that I had in my classroom at KDS. The box had been taped and retaped with a written plea for the students not to tear up the box further. It never dawned on me to put the cards in another container. I could only think about keeping them in the original box.

I looked at the pictures from KDS and I saw two of my students that wound up in prison with Joey- James and Junior. That in itself was another huge thing to deal with. Even though their incarceration has nothing to do with me, it makes me think of the teacher I used to be. I used to be unwilling to let go of people. I felt impelled to write to or phone former students just to let them know I cared. I see now that I was trying to fill the God shaped hole I had inside of me with surrounding myself with people who needed me.

Monday night Becky and I began our Tradition Study with Mary Pearl's workshop material. I remember one of the questions being "Are you a giver or a taker?" I have and can be both. I think I'm more of a giver. I give until I have nothing left to give. But I've also been a very needy person. I've always wanted someone to worry over me the way they worried over my brother. Truthfully, if people did that for me now, I think it would send me running in the opposite direction because I'd feel smothered or as if they felt I was totally incompetent.

Man, what a difference time makes in how you feel about yourself. Today I don't want to be needed. I had that with Joey and I felt used. I know what I'm looking for today in my relationships. My definition of frienship has changed dramatically over the past few years. Linda's helped me with that. She says that if I'm the one who is always reaching out first, the relationship is only in my mind. Friendship is give and take. Each person should feel comfortable beginning the conversation- it shouldn't fall to that one person all the time. And you know something? She's right. So, I don't e-mail or phone as much because I want to give the other person the opportunity to reach out to me. It's that old, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

When I go into see my therapist, she always asks me, "How's your love life?" I have none. But I know what I want in that, too. I don't feel it is so necessary for me to be in a relationship. If I am, I am and if I'm not, I'm not. Either way, I'm okay. Before I felt that I needed to be in a relationship because I felt incomplete. These days I know that I was merely looking for my Higher Power. Now that I have that relationship, I don't feel like something is missing.

Does any of this make sense?

If I Were a Rich Girl

As sung by Gwen Stefani

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na x2

If I was a rich girl na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

Think what that money could bring
I'd buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown
No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold
And I know

If I was rich girl na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

I'd get me four Harajuku girls too (uh huh)
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked
I'd give them names (yeah)
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold
And I know

[Eve]
Come together all over the world
From the hoods in Japan
Harajuku girls
What, It's all love
What, Give it up
What (shouldn't matter [4x])
What
Come together all over the world
From the hoods in Japan
Harajuku girls
What, It's all love
What, Give it up
What (shouldn't matter [4x])
What happened to my life
Turned upside down
Chicks dat blew ya mind
Ding, it's the second round
(Original track and ting, mmm)
You know you can't buy these things (no)
See Stefani and her L.A.M.B.
I rock the Fetish people
You know who I am

[Gwen Stefani + Eve]:
Yes ma'am, we got the style that's wicked
I hope you can all keep up
We climbed all the way from the bottom to the top
Now we ain't gettin' nothin' but love

[Gwen Stefani]:
If I was rich girl na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na x3

Moonshadow

As sung by Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow

and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, well...
I won’t have to work no more

and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colors all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh well …
I won't have to cry no more.

yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow

and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
oh if I ever lose my legs
oh well...
I won't have to walk no more

And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh well...
I won't have to talk...

Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow


I have no idea why this song jumped into my head today. I like the idea of a faithful light following me. There's some security in that.

I also see a little relief in losing things as it is put in this song. It's almost like looking at the things I wouldn't have to do any more. I kind of feel like that right now. I don't have a job. I don't have to get up early any more. I can stay in bed as long as I want to and if I need a nap later in the day I can take one. I'm not hard pressed to do anything really. And yet.... I really do want a job. I feel kind of lost.
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow

Mom and I went swimming this morning. It was good to get out and exercise some tired, painful muscles. I love the hot tub!

Last week I convinced Dr. Graves to let me come off of one of my antidepressants. It was bringing me way down. I no longer had any energy. It's only been a few days but I can already tell the difference.

Becky gave me an application for a new group home opening up here in town. I faxed my application from Leg Up TRC. She gave me one to pass on to Carrie as well. I also sent my resume to Centerstone in Columbia for the Case Manager job that has become open. Melanie encouraged me to do that. I'm really hoping something will come my way soon. I'm doing okay. In fact, I can't believe how well I'm coping, but I'd really like a job.

Let'em In

As sung by Paul McCartney

Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor,
Open the door and let 'em in(repeat)

Sister Suzie, brother John,
Martin Luther, Phil And Don,
Brother Michael, Auntie Gin,
Open the door,let 'em in.
Sister Suzi, brother John,
Martin Luther, Phil and Don,
Uncle Ernie,Auntie Gin
open the door, let em in

Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor,open the door and let em in
oo yeah let em in

Sister Suzi, brother John,
Martin Luther, Phil and Don, ooo
Uncle Ernie,Uncle Ian
open the door let em in

Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor,open the door and let em in
yeah yeah yeah

I have no idea why this song popped into my head this morning except that it sure did go along with the top from this week's Awakening group. The topic is compassion, which has a lot to do with acceptance.

Hey, I'm struggling with some things right now. I'm not sure what they have to do with the song or the topic but I need to talk about them with someone. Thankfully I have a therapy session this week.

My ex called, that's weirded me out.
I've agreed to sponsor Becky which seems odd to me because she has more time in the program than I do. I've also agreed to go with her to Al-Anon Day this next weekend even though I'm not really looking forward to it. I just don't fit in with that group and would rather not go. I only offered because Becky seems to terrified of helping with the workshop.
Elyce is calling a lot and it is very obvious that she's put my name out there as being somehow responsible for helping with her finances. Shit! I don't even have a job and I'm living on an unemployment check. I have just enough to take care of me. I'm a little annoyed by this. Then when I offer her some suggestions about what to do in her situation she ignores me and continues to dig herself in deeper. I was there once. I know how she feels but even I knew when to step off of the merry-go-round.

Joey called here the other day. He left a message about school. I have no idea what he's talking about. To tell you the truth I was surprised to hear from him. I figured he'd be back in prison by now on a parole violation. He didn't leave a number for me to call him back as he asked me to and I erased all of the unknown numbers from the Caller ID. I'm not sure I would have called him back anyway. I had a dream about him the other day that wasn't very pleasant. So, I know I don't need to have anything to do with him.

On the plus side, I'm doing okay even though I do not have a job yet. Becky asked me to be her sponsor and I said I would until someone better suited for her came along. I mean there is only she and I. She doesn't have much to choose from. I also agreed to go with her to Al-Anon Day even though I'm not really into that scene any more. I'm going to support her because she is nervous.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Alley
B- Becky, Barry, the Bassham family
C- Clean clothes, computer
D- Dryer, Dr. Graves because he changed my medication
E- Energy
F- Food in the kitchen
G- God, George
H- health (it's getting better)
I- internet
J- Jacuzzi
K- Kimberly my prison sponsee
L- Linda
M- Mom, memories, Melanie
N- Necklace (my crucifix necklace), naps
O- Onions
P- Potpouri
Q- Quiet
R- Radio, roof over my head
S- Serenity, swimming pool, scented candles
T- Transportation, Tiger
U- Umbrella
V- Voice
W- Washing machine
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zinnias