PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES


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Lesson 221:
"Peace to my mind. Let all my thoughts be still."
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As I affirm today's lesson title, it seems that my thoughts are
anything but still. That is why I need this practice. Just because my mind
seems to be flitting from one meaningless thought to another, it is not
justification for me to give up. It is simply an indication that I need
to continue practicing my mind training.

Yesterday a group of us here created a new song. We sang phrases over
and over until we liked the way they sounded. Then we would add to those
phrases until we were practicing an entire verse. Over and over we
repeated it, gradually expanding our repetition until it encompassed the
entire song. Sometimes we would adjust the length of the note to make it
flow better, and repeat it again. Over and over we practiced. We
wanted to reach the point where the song flowed easily and freely. If we
missed a word or note, we just took it as a signal to keep practicing
until we reached our goal.

The same applies to letting peace enter my mind and letting all my
thoughts be still. I just need to keep practicing until I reach the goal. I
have been letting my mind be cluttered with the meaningless thoughts
of the ego for a long time. Now I want to build a new habit so I need to
keep practicing. Each time an ego thought tempts me, it simply means
that I need to practice releasing it, to give up the meanings that I
have given to ego thoughts.

With each practice, awareness of peace grows stronger. With each
practice, the song of Love that has been eternally in my heart grows stronger
and more clear. The song of Love gains more and more of my attention
as I reduce the attention I have given to the ego. In truth, the song of
Christ is all there is to hear. The hand of Christ is all there is to
hold. There is no journey but to walk with Him.


The purpose of ego thoughts is to drown out God's Thoughts. God's
Thoughts are always there as we are willing to quiet the ego thoughts in our
minds. Holy Spirit is there to build a bridge from the loud and
raucous ego thought system to the quiet peace, joy and Love of our true
eternal Home. Our true Home is the Mind of God. God created us as one and
that cannot change. God's eternal Love never changes. God's peace never
changes. God's joy never changes.

On the other hand, the ego's thoughts are in a constant state of flux.
There is no safety there. There is no peace there. There is no joining
there. It is always looking for something more, something different,
something more exciting, some new way to be special and unique. It is
always looking for its replacement for God's Love in all the wrong places.
It is a hopeless journey. Its dreams are filled with the illusion of
separation, suffering and death.

It is only when we are willing to let all these thoughts be laid aside
that we receive the help of the Holy Spirit as our Guide out of this
hell of separation from our true Nature. There Holy Spirit knows it is a
gradual process. The Holy Spirit knows that we are so familiar with the
constant chatter of the ego that it seems difficult to lay it down.
That is why the Holy Spirit invites us to practice retraining our mind.
The Holy Spirit is gentle and kind with our process of awakening. As we
are ready, the Holy Spirit always brings us the next step in the
undoing of the ego's insanity of separation. The Holy Spirit remembers the
truth and brings our illusions gently to a conclusion.

Today's lesson is of great help in enhancing this process of laying the
ego's thoughts of separation down. The ego's insane thoughts of
separation have seemed very plausible and real to us. We have believed it and
experienced its chaotic repertoire. We now know that this dream of
separation is a useless journey and are gradually learning to lay it down.
We understand very clearly that we need the consistent help of the
Holy Spirit to undo the grip we have had on the ego.

As we lay the ego down, fears come up that there will be nothing to
replace it. Fears come up that we are losing the only thing we know. We
have become so familiar with the ego thought system that our identity
seems to be falling away with it. And this is true. The good news is the
Holy Spirit knows how to bring us safely across this bridge of return.
The Holy Spirit knows how to deal with our fears as they come up. The
Holy Spirit is the great Comforter as we gradually leave behind the old
stories of deception and conflict.

As we hold Holy Spirit's hand, we are led to a quiet inner world, an
inner life that is calm and peaceful, sure and strong. As we learn to
live in the world the Holy Spirit leads us to, we feel the touch of
Christ, our true Nature. It is always gentle and consistent. We gradually
realize that it does not come and go. It is always there. It is just we
who have pulled away from Its healing Light.

Step by step, we are gradually led to the deeper waters of God's peace.
Our pulling away gradually subsides as we grow more secure with the
deeper layers of peace. We feel the truth that God is our strength and
vision is His gift. We open our mind to see past the ego's silly ideas of
separation. We practice opening to the Holy Spirit's gentle guidance
more and more each day. We know deep inside that we are on the strong
and surefooted path of return to accepting our true Identity as Love and
nothing else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was a very appropriate message for me this morning as I was anything but calm. I think I forgot to take what Thelma calls my "go to hell" pills, my antidepressants. I've been anxious and stressed out all day. The paperwork at school- those portfolios- aren't looking good at all. I can't seem to get any cooperation. It had me highly pissed off today. I brought them home with me but I'm so sick of looking at them that I've decided to get a sub for tomorrow and spend the whole day working on them.

The good news is that I've got the time trials for Special Olympics done and I am on the way to getting equipment for my wheel chair bound students. I also have the parental backing of both Kristopher and Samantha's parents.

I did have some good luck with the bank. I am going to be able to recover all but $68 of the money that was taken out of my account. I closed my account and opened a new one. That felt pretty good after the way work went.

No visit from my new friend. Kind of missed talking to him. Friendships are highly under rated. A good friend is hard to find at times and twice as important to hang onto.

Perpetual calendar says:

Today is tomorrow...
as viewed from yesterday.


Idea? Procrastination. I am procrastinating on these damn portfolios. Sorry for the cuss word. I'm just stumped in what to do with them. The three wheel chair kids are so low. I was also battling against a lot of odds to get things done. I've had a revolving door with assistants, a string of subs, a child with multiple personalities, a control freak, an alzhiemer's victim and a drama queen.

I'm the best at improvising. It just looks like it's going to take a miracle to get these things completed by Friday. Thelma reminds me that I am great under pressure.

I feel like Scarlet O' Hara. "I'll worry about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." Guess what? Tomorrow is here. I've been working on Samantha and Kristopher's for a few hours and there is still a lot to do. I'll be getting up pretty early tomorrow morning and hitting a lick at it again. Right now I've had it. I'm throwing in the towel for today.

Daniel is back! Oh, my goodness. Jennifer has become the CDC gestopo. She has decided to ride him hard before he even does anything wrong. I wish she'd chill. He's just a kid. He can be a hand full but he could also be a joy to have around if we could get him trained. The drama queen has been pretty helpful lately.

Good news. I was able to refinance my truck. The payments were cut in half. I've gone from being able to own this truck in nine months to being able to own it in nineteen. But that's okay. I was ready for whatever God had in store for me. I totally left it in His hands.

Tomorrow I'll go to the bank and see what can be done about the missing funds. If I can get money back I stand to gain back nearly $2000. That company was taking out $300 or more each month. If I had not had the idea (had to be God) to ask for a print out of the last month's activity, I never would have known. I would have gone on assuming it was my insurance. Getting the money back sure would solve a few problems. I'd give half to the IRS and half to Gibson Brothers.

I seem to have a new friend. Sam has been coming into the classroom to visit almost every day with some excuse or another. I suspect he is looking for friends. I talked to him for a little while today. We have a few things in common. I don't see him in a romantic sense. He's okay. I know he's got a lot of personal problems that he's been working on (who hasn't) and I suspect that they are still a stumbling block for him. Right now I'm just looking for a friend to do things with. I miss having someone around to go to the movies with, go to ball games with, etc. It does not look as if he is an alcoholic or an addict which, for him is a plus.

I think I'll eat a challenge for breakfast.
And if I don't get indigestion,
I'll try another one for lunch.

So says my perpetual calendar. I don't know about you but I'd like to rest for a while. My life has been filled with challenges. My bff says that I work best under pressure. When I look back at my life I must have looked like Wonder Woman. I've always been under pressure. I'm kind of tired right now. Feel like I need a leaning post. This is why I am going to a meeting tonight in Lawrenceburg. I e-mailed three members to see if they would be available for a meeting. Only two responded- Elaine S. and Marian.


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Although the act of nurturing another's spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one's own, a major characteristic of genuine love is that the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved.
--M. Scott Peck. M.D.

Those we love must be free to love us in return, or leave us. The honest evidence of our love is our commitment to encouraging another's full development. We are interdependent personalities who need one another's presence in order to fulfill our destiny. And yet, we are also separate individuals. We must come to terms with our struggles alone.

One gift of life available to each of us is security, the sense that accompanies the recognition of our spiritual center. Helping someone else discover their spiritual gifts strengthens our own. Nothing is too difficult when we act in unison as separate entities, relying on the spiritual core that strengthens us to meet any situation.

My own spiritual center will be strengthened if I help someone.
From: The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

I may be breaking copyright laws by posting readings from Hazelden especially since the internet is public domain. But I may also be giving the author free advertisment. Who knows?


A spiritual life is natural

Conscious Contact. Coming into what is clearly a spiritual program, we may have been fearful that our own unworthiness would hold us back. We may have believed that a spiritual life and a "conscious contact" with God are reserved for a few people with saintly qualities.

What we must know is that the spiritual life is every person's right. It includes the human qualities that have brought our greatest progress. "The spirit of the thing" is an ordinary phrase, but it expresses the presence of a Higher Power in our lives.

What's most useful to know is that we can contact our Higher Power at any time, in any place. This can be extremely important when we are in very bad situations. We always have a Higher Power to pull us through and to set things right in our lives. That's our birthright as human beings.

I'll turn to my Higher Power frequently throughout the day, if only for a few moments each time. This will keep me on the right path.
From: Walk in Dry Places by Mel B.


I never really thought of myself as a spiritual being until I came into Al-Anon. But when I look back, I'd have to say I've been one all my life. I had a prayer closet before I knew there was such a thing. I had conversations with God before I knew very much about Him. I described Him as love before even heard the scripture "God is Love." I think I've been moving toward a spiritual higher plain all of my life. I don't think I have a destination. I think it's about the journey. I just wish I had closer contact with people who were traveling the same path. It does get a little lonely when I travel alone.


I really miss Q. It's so peaceful and quiet in the classroom now. It sort of reminds me of how my life has gone. I've always experience crisis in one form or another. When I finally experienced serenity I didn't know what to do with it. I missed the drama. But after experiencing peace I had a hard time going back into the drama. I got sick again. So, I think Jennifer is right. We need to just relish the peacefulness. We really earned this time.

The portfolios will be finished by Friday. It's a push to get them done. Taylor's is done all except the signing. Kristopher and Samantha's are almost finished. Corey's is a mess. I've worked on these things for several hours today. I had to stop.

Samantha wasn't at school today. She had two seizures at the bus stop while she and her mother waited for her to be picked up. I pray she didn't have any more today. She will not be at school tomorrow. She has a doctor's appointment. These wheel chair bound kids are so fragile and I am so attached.

I went by the bank and pulled my statement. I discovered $450 missing over the last month and a half to a company known as "SSM Group, LLC". I looked them up on the internet and discovered that I'd been scammed. If it began when I think it did I've lost nearly $2000 over the last 6 months and this would explain why my checking account has stayed in the red. According to the advice from the website I found the only solution is to close my account and open an new one. Between now and the next pay day I could lose another $150. Hopefully that's not the case. I'm going to be in heavy prayer over this.

I will be going to the dealership on Wednesday to turn in the truck. I don't see the manager cutting me a deal again. Now that I've found out where my missing money has gone (I thought it was my insurance)I might be able to take a deal if he offered it to me whereas before today I had decided that I wouldn't. I'd love to see a miracle. Ultimately it will be God's will because I have put it squarely in His hands.

I'm not sure what's going on with the paradox. For some reason or another he's concerned about my mail having gone into a bulk file. He never checked that file - he deleted it without opening to see what was in there. I'm not sure why it's such a big deal. I'm used to him ignoring me. I figured he was either reading them and ignoring me or knowingly deleting them without having read them. I told it was probably because my new e-mail address wasn't in his address book. He confirmed that. He still had my old e-mail address in there. I've had my current e-mail address since August. Imagine how many messages he has missed! But truthfully I had been kind of quiet for a while with him because I wasn't sure he wanted to hear from me. I mean, why would he? I'm nobody to him.

My brother called here tonight with a request for information. That doesn't happen often. I steered him away from the direction he was going because what he wanted to do cost mucho bucks. He has very little money. I gave him a contact to call.

Diane, that crazy woman from my past job experience, called here today. She wanted advice on seeking a divorce. It seems she's pregnant and due next month (what!?) and wants to file for a divorce due to abandonment. I'm not sure she has a case with that. She needs to seek legal advice, not Yo's advice. What do I know? I paid the lawyer and he did the rest.

I just had an exchange with one of my on-line recovery buddies. She's doing the Tuesday Focus on CAL for me tomorrow. Jay did it last week. For some reason the phrase, "the darkest hour is just before dawn" popped into my head in reference to we were talking about. That lead me to thinking about an old Mamas and Papas song.

Dedicated to the One I Love

As sung by the Mamas and the Papas

While I'm far away from you, my baby
I know it's hard for you, my baby
Because it's hard for me, my baby
And the darkest hour is just before dawn

Each night before you go to bed, my baby
Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby
And tell all the stars above
This is dedicated to the one I love

(life can never be exactly like we want it to be)
I could be satisfied knowing you love me
(but there's one thing I want you to do especially for me)
And it's something that everybody needs

While I'm far away from you, my baby
Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby
Because it's hard for me, my baby
And the darkest hour is just before dawn

If there's one thing I want you to do
Especially for me
And it's something that everybody needs

Each night before you go to bed, my baby
Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby
And tell all the stars above
This is dedicated to the one I love

This is dedicated to the one I love
This is dedicated to the one I love
This is dedicated to the one I love
(this is dedicated)

Maybe that means I need prayer.

George and I will be swapping our hours at the library on Saturdays so that I will have transportation to and from. I told him about the transportation situation. I also talked to him about Thelma's idea of me advertising my genealogy skills. He doesn't think I can earn enough money to make it worth my while. I disagree with him.

Today I took all of my paperwork with me to the library, intent on finishing up my portfolios. I spent roughly two hours on them before I had company. If I'd been on my mettle, I could have earned a fee helping one poor guy from Ohio. He's got Pauline working on things for him and someone from the courthouse. I found a ton of things for him in the three hours that he sat in there. My portfolios did not get finished but never fear- they'll be finished by Friday when they are due.

I don't understand what's going on with my bank account. $150 was missing from my account when I stopped at the ATM machine. I'll have to go by the bank on Monday to see what's going on. With things as tight as they are, I can't afford to be missing any money.

Tomorrow I'll be doing a mountain of laundry before and after church. I would have done it today but the laundry room has been occupied. There's only one washer and dryer.

Not really much to report today. I've been too busy to think.

I've been thinking a lot about the situations going on around me. Some things were a temptation for reacting. But I chose to remember #2 of the Four Agreements-"Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is them." Rather than reacting, I chose to look at myself rather than others.

I discussed this with my therapist yesterday and with the deacon on Wednesday. There is a God and I ain't it. I am not more important or less important than anyone else. I alone and responsible for my actions. I will have to answer for them and I stand to take credit for them as well. Why am I so apt to assume guilt or shame for things I've done wrong but unwilling to accept a compliment? What's up with that? And why am I so convinced that I alone am responsible when things go wrong?

The flip side to that same coin is that my actions are no one else's business. As long as I am not doing harm to myself or others what I do is my own affair. Of course, it would make more sense for people to be dipping into my Kool-aid if I was actually doing something note worthy but as I am not, it seems like a senseless thing to worry about. The point is that I should be okay with myself enough not to worry about what others think. Opinions are like belly buttons- we all have one.

The other thing that occurred to me is that I really do not like being in a leadership role of any kind. It's uncomfortable for me. It reactivates some of my defects. The therapist and I talked about that yesterday. Defects are coping skills (assets) that have gone amok. At any rate I found myself sick again and insane. I really don't want to go back there.

I'm basically content with myself and my life right now. I'm at peace and I'd like to keep it that way. I realize that there will be times when my serenity is disturbed but I do have control over how I react to situations. Therefore, I can ultimately decide how long my serenity is disrupted. My greatest tool is to merely turn such problems over to God. He knows the answers, I don't. As long as I remember Who is ultimately in control I am okay. Besides, I was reminded just now as I read in my CAL that "hurt people, hurt people." I don't have to continue to be hurt by something or someone. I can let it go. In doing that, I break the cycle.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Only when we humbly ask for help are we ready to receive it.

On occasion, our problems seem overwhelming, and we don't know where to turn. Our job is stressful. Our health is failing. But many of us face no truly threatening situations, and we still have problems. Being alive, being human, means having experiences that trouble us.

It's hard to ask for help when we are in a troubling situation because we fear that means we are inadequate. After all, we are grown men and women who have taken care of others and ourselves for years. We don't have the wisdom to handle every situation, and yet we think we should. Seeking guidance from friends, sponsors, and our Higher Power gets easier with practice. Asking for help is a learned behavior. And practice we must!

But just as important as the seeking is the receiving. Are we actually open to the wisdom offered? Do we want it badly enough to truly listen to the guidance?

I will open my heart to God's wisdom today and find help for whatever troubles me.

Source: A Life of My Own by Karen Casey


It's interesting that today's Hazelden reading deals with humility because that seems to be the topic on my mind this week. It was the topic that I was lead to when trying to think of something to chair on this week in my Al-Anon group and it was the point of discussion in my RCIA class yesterday with the deacon.

I'm still very much a work in progress. I didn't get sick over night and it takes time to fully evolve into the person God intends me to be.

I'm in the final count down with portfolios. They're due Feb. 1 and they are nowhere near finished. I brought them home last weekend and didn't touch them. I knew I wouldn't. Luckily I work at the library on Saturday. I'll take them with me and force myself to work on them.

I'm also being stretched thin with an upcoming decision about finances. I really wish I had an objective person to talk to about them. I need some input. I'll bring it up with my therapist today. Maybe Melanie can help me.

I've made another new friend in the on-line Al-Anon group. I'm not sure what I said to snare Jay but he seems to be a kindred spirit. Beverley has turned out to be one, too. The others that e-mail me in side shares are also nice but not really on the same wave length.

Okay, so I went to my therapy session today with Melanie and we talked about some of the things that I've been thinking about. She assures me that I'm not mentally ill and that these really weird experiences that I am having are some sort of spiritual awakening.

We discussed my role in Al-Anon and how disgusted I am with the recovery community. I really think for the benefit of the Al-Anon members the meetings should take place some place else because our anonymity is just as vital as that of the NA and AA members. Right now all the boundaries are gone. We are just as sick as when we came in. We do not know where we stop and the AA group begins. I also think I've grown beyond what there is in this group. I don't want to be a leader of it. I want to be able to sit among people who are traveling the same road. That's not possible here.

I also talked about the financial stuff going on with me. Right now I do not see any other solution to my money problems other than letting my truck go. As long as I have it, I will not be able to get caught up on all the other bills that I've been ignoring. It is like I went backwards in my recovery with the money problems. I am not reliable any more. I'd feel better if I could get myself back on an even keel. Some of my independence will go out the window but I think I'll be able to maintain a portion of it. I just need to figure out my transportation to church. I believe I'll have help there.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light.
--Evelyn Scott

We need to know that we matter in this life. We need evidence that others are aware of our presence. And thus, we can be certain that others need the same attention from us. When we give it, we get it. So the giving of attention to another searching soul meets our own need for attention as well.

Respectful recognition of another's presence blesses that person, ourselves, and God. And we help one another grow, in important ways, each time we pay the compliment of acknowledgment.

We're not sure, on occasion, just what we have to offer our friends, families, co-workers. Why we are in certain circumstances may have us baffled, but it's quite probably that the people we associate with regularly need something we can give them; the reverse is just as likely. So we can begin with close attention to people in our path. It takes careful listening and close observation to sense the message another soul may be sending to our own.

I will be conscious of the people around me. I shall acknowledge them and be thankful for all they are offering me.
From: Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey


My perpetual calendar had another train of thought:

Giving and doing for others is good,
but once in a while you have to stop
and take some time for yourself.
If you give too much of yourself away
without refreshing your mind or replenishing
your soul, eventually what you have left to give
won't be enough. Take time.


I think the whole thought process of early this morning was about autonomy. You can be apart of a couple and be healthy as long as you realize that each is a different person with unique wants and needs.


There was no school today. I have no idea why. I reported as I normally do at 7:00, not having watched the Snowbird or listened to the radio. It was not until another teacher showed up some time later that I learned that we were either opening 2 hours late (according to the radio) or not having school at all (according to the TV). I continued to work in my room. I'd been there over an hour and a half when the principal, who had driven in from another county, announced on the intercome that school had been cancelled. By that time I was one of three or four who had shown up. I left.

My inner voice had been nagging me for a while to take a drive into Franklin. I had ignored it because it seemed like a wasted trip. I'd been thinking about a certain book I'd seen several months back. The thought was put in my head two weeks ago when the deacon suggested that I need a book of prayers that divided the day into hours. So, when it was announced that school was cancelled I drove to Barnes and Noble. I was a little put out with myself for doing this because I reasoned that the book would most likely be gone. However, when I got there, I saw that there was, in deed, one copy left. I looked around for a little while so that the hour long trip wouldn't seem so silly. But I could not find anything in the entire store that I wanted to buy other than this one book.

On the way home this song popped into my head. I'd heard it before and the romantic in me had applied it to a certain person but today, it sort of applied to myself and my search for God. Oh sure, I'd still like to apply it toward someone but I think it would be a wasted effort.


If You're Not The One

As sung by Daniel Bedingfield


If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms



When I returned home I found that one of the assistants had called here twice, wanting to know if there was school. I attempted to call her back but there was no answer. So, I lay down and took a nap.

I finally remembered to develop those two rolls of film. I have a ton of pictures of my students including Q. If he never comes back I have pictures to remember him by.

I hate having my own picture taken. I look gross. Even when I was smaller in size I wasn't photogenic. I was feeling low about that and about to start those self-hate tapes when I remembered something. I am an ogre. Right now Shrek and Fiona are two of the most beloved characters there are out there. I think I'm in good company. Besides beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As I was looking at the pictures of my students it occurred to me that while and their parents regard them as beautiful the rest of the world might not. And that just might be the case with me.

The experience of love is a choice we make, a mental decision to see love as the only real purpose and value in any situation.
"God" means love, and "will" means thought. God's will, then, is loving thought. If God is the source of all good, then love in us is the source of all good. When we love, we are automatically placing ourselves within an attitudinal and behavioral context that leads to an unfoldment of events at the highest level of good for everyone involved.
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, p. 57.

The return to love is the great cosmic drama, the peaceful journey from pretence to self, from pain to inner peace.
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, p. 25.

I've been studying God for lack of a better explanation. It really began with exposure to the writings of Thomas Merton. In case you aren't familiar with Merton, he was a hermit monk who lived in Kentucky. The first of the Al-Anon daily readers, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, has a few of his quotes in it. That's where my journey began.

Merton is considered one of the modern day mystics of the Catholic faith by many. His writings led me to the writings of other Christian mystics. The concept that one can become in synch with God was so phenomenal that I just had to pursue it. I have read a few of them. I take everything I read with a grain of thought. I pray about it and then I research where the ideas originate from. My Bible concordance has been getting a lot of use lately.

Along this line of thinking is to examine myself. I discovered last year that I'd been on an emotional drunk for quite some time. I was not just feeling my emotions. I was letting them rule me. For example, guilt is a very real emotion. I felt it, wallowed in it. I let it rule my every waking hour until I was so mired in self-pity that I could not find any way out. I became suicidal. When I finally surrendered to it and let it go it no longer had any power over me. The same is true of lonliness. When I allowed my feelings of being utterly alone to rule my head I was no longer content in my own company and I allowed myself to be sucked into very unhealthy relationships. I could not see where I ended and the other person began. When I can be content with my own company I am better able to accept others as they are and can practice autonomy.

When I look at myself through the eyes of love I see God in me. When I look at others through the eyes of love, I see God in them and I see myself.

Choose peace.
Make room for it in your busy life.
Tuck it into the corners of your soul.
And let it make its home
within your heart.

Whenever nature makes a seed,
it gives it all that it will need
to grow into its ultimate fruition.
If life gives you a heart's desire,
remember, all that you require
lies deep within, so trust your intuition.
~ Anonymous

Intuition. That feeling that tells you that something is so when others doubt. My intuition tells me a lot of things but I dare not trust it. I've stuck my neck out a lot where my intuition is concerned and come up empty. But maybe it was because the timing wasn't right. Who knows? The question these days is, what am I willing to risk?

I'll tell you some things I am willing to do. I took the day off to get Mom's furniture off of her front porch and off the curb. Barry helped tremendously. We got it loaded up in my truck and covered it with two king size sheets. It cost less than $4 to dump it. If we'd known that we could have done it during Christmas break.

I found some more books on CD. They were $5 at Walgreen's. I bought them for the classroom.

I'm going to take one of Linda's suggestions for my income taxes and cross my fingers.

I'm not going to keep the truck. At the end of this month I'm turning it in.

What I'm not willing to risk is my heart right now. I will not do all the footwork. I want the other person to meet me half way. If the person is lacking in willingness, I will walk away.

Nefertiti is in a bad way. I'm not sure what's going on but it sounds pretty bad. Her phone has been disconnected. She had to choose between paying her car note and the telephone. I know that there is more going on because she asked me to contact her sponsor and two women from her church. I called one of the women from the church. That woman was going to contact the other lady. I called her sponsor and spoke briefly. I've sent out prayer requests for Elyce. She's been through so much already. I hate for her to go through hell again. Her situation is part of the reason I am not so anxious to get back out there in the dating world.

Thelma is okay. She sounded stronger today when I spoke to her. Her pain medication knocks her out so she spends a lot of time sleeping.

I'm humbled by the response from the on-line group to my topics so far. The response has exceeded anything I would have imagined. I've gained some more friends from this group. I really wish that I could go to the International Convention in July. I'd love to meet some of these people.

Pain. I'm in pain. My arthritis is acting up big time in my knees and hips. But I'm not going to complain. I'm going to keep trudging on. I'm grateful that I have aches and pains to complain about. Considering that just 7 or 8 months ago I was suicidal, I am grateful to be alive.

The snow was beautiful when it was falling. It did not stick enough to keep us out of school. I was okay with that. My assistants weren't. Like little kids, they were wanting a snow day.

I'm kind of pleased with myself right now. I've spent less than $10 and I've completed two baskets for the Al-Anon fundraiser. I've also gone to Wal-Mart with some of the money the school gave me to spend and bought some new things for the classroom. One of the goals is to get our aquarium finally set up.

Three new centers are in the works for Taylor, our resident drama queen. One is a grocery store situation using all the boxes, canisters and jars that were donated to me. Another is a baby station. Stephanie brought in one of her daughter's Cabbage Patch dolls and I donated my 25 year old Cabbage Patch doll to the endevor. My doll is in better shape than the one the other one because it hasn't been played with. I found two Cabbage Patch doll outfits on sale in Wal-Mart and bought them so that Taylor could change clothes. Stephanie brought diapers. I've also put together a kitchen center where she can sort silverware.

Since Q has gone we have a little more free time available. We're finally getting around to assembling all those file folder games we began back in September.

I have a new bathroom! The new landlord made sure it was finally fixed. Yea! Hopefully he'll work on the floors and walls next. The former tenant spilt oil on the living room carpet and put holes in doors and walls. I've got them hidden pretty well but still it would be nice if he'd fix them. You know what I mean?

I'm making headway on all the laundry. I've been slow due to the weather. Rather than loading it all up and taking it to the laundry mat, I've been doing it in this little laundry room here. The dryer situation isn't good but I do have a dry rack. I'll work on the rest of the laundry tomorrow.

We're taking off Mom's old furniture tomorrow finally if I can get my brother to cooperate. I've already taken tomorrow off.

It's snowing! It looks beautiful. I've gotten most of the things that were on my shopping list. I'm set. Let it stick.

Regret is one side of a mistake;
enlightenment is the other.

So says my perpetual calendar today.

I have a few regrets. Some things I regret are missed opportunities that came as a result of making a bad decision. But the up side to that really is the enlightenment that was gained. I'm extremely hard headed. I have to learn my lessons the hard way. I also march to the beat of a different drummer. Sometimes I don't always that the direct route to things. I have to go through pot holes, make a few mistakes, get lost, etc. before I learn my lesson. I used to beat myself up about things like that. Now I figure that these lessons are an emory board of sort, sloughing off the bad and helping develop a finer character.

Deacon Mike came to my classroom just like he promised. He worked on two wheel chairs and a walker. I am ever so grateful. I did not fuss over him and actually let one of the assistants show him what we needed to have fixed while I worked with my wheel chair kids. In other words, I went on about my daily routine. He got to see us in action on a slow day and heard us putting together a supply list. He contributed to conversation about batteries and battery chargers. It was nice to have input.

Today was pay day! I have taken care of the rent, the electric bill, cable, telephone and internet. I paid only half of the truck note. At the end of this month will come the major decision to keep the truck or give it up. I paid back Ruby and Mom. I bought a few can goods. Sleet and snow are in the forecast. I bought things that I could eat if the power went out. Right now I'm working on a load of laundry. I have a mountain of it to do. I'll get the rest tomorrow or the next.

I heard from Mac again. I told him to "pick up the phone or come by." It's a little silly to send forwards but not speak. I just see it as childish. It was one of the reasons I chose to walk away.

Thelma has called in her count down mode to surgery. She only has one of the two scheduled for tomorrow. She called and talked to Miss Pat, who fussed at her for not calling while she was visiting me over New Year's. She had received Thelma's letter with the picture of her and said that she looked like her sister. Interesting. These two women will turn out to be related. I just know it.

A couple looking for an Al-Anon meeting called here today. It looks like I might have to attend on Thursday even though I do not want to. I called Lois to let her know about the couple in case I decide not to attend. As I told them at the district meeting on Sunday, I am not the Al-Anon police. It is not my job to keep everyone straight. Lois supposedly has more time in the program than I do- she is more than capable of stepping up to the plate. For that matter, so is Susan.

It was just Ruby and I at the meeting last night. I had called her after the district meeting to see if she was going to attend. We did not go through the standard meeting format but that was okay. Ruby took off her mask and kept it real. A lot of the time it's impossible to do that in our meeting room because things have a way of leaving the room. We had an enlightening conversation.

I'm sitting here wondering whether I want to write my ex back. I'm not angry at him any more. What would be the point? It wouldn't change anything. Besides, I have a feeling that Joey will be in my life always. We represent something to each other. For my part, I would rather leave all of that behind me and just move on. I believe I have. I don't think he has closure.

I had an odd dream last night about aliens. Not sure where it came from. I woke up to go to the bathroom about 2:30 with the strangest feeling that someone out there was thinking about me. Couldn't shake it for a little while but when I finally fell back to sleep I returned to my dream about aliens.

Somehow in the back of my mind today I heard the words, "I stand alone." It's very ironic that later it became the topic of discussion between Thelma and I. I went on-line to look for words of inspiration about the topic and found two poems.

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lighting in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
~ Edgar Allan Poe- 1829


Walking Alone

Response to "Alone"

I, too, was born of a world not the same,
Amongst white snow, a raindrops' shame.
In life's garden, a dormant seed.
A heart held of dissimiliar need.

I, too, was awed by lightning's flash,
Embering in mind even after the crash.
Followed closely by silent rain,
Blood-red, falling from the sky in vain.

The wind chimed and the earth shook from thunder,
And my mind was but befixed to wonder;
How could I stand amidst this storm,
Seek shelter not, yet still be warm?

But I, too, take my sorrow at a site-
Other souls would nonchalantly slight.
And I, too, have felt the need for love,
But could only love that need which I dreamt of.

And as I peered deep through the skies,
The clouds grew black to shut my eyes.
The demon that came in your view,
Now's taken from me what he took from you.

In the garden the seed has sprang,
A nameless child unearths the pang.
Felt for the flower, both eyes in close.
Took twenty thorns to touch the rose.

A wondering mind looked to the sky,
So beautiful it had to die.
Laid it to rest upon the stone,
And turned away a man full grown.

Singing the same song at a different tone;
In thoughts, destined to die, unknown.
Born unto a world not of our own,
We walked together, walking alone.
~ Michael R. Anderson- 1990

I have risen but I am far from shining this morning. I could use some more sleep but I have a very neurotic cat that kept pouncing on my head. So, I am up.

I've already sent in the latest topic for the Awakenings group. I wrestled with myself over what I wanted to present. I thought about my favorite reading from Hope for Today, p. 47. I also thought about using the topic of loneliness as so many conversations have been about it the last few days, including my own. I thought also about the topic of obstacles. Finally, I went back to the principles of the program and saw that the principle associated with Step One is honesty. I found a question in the Blueprint for Progress that fit and ran with it.

It's the perfectionist rearing her ugly head. I just don't want to screw this up. You know what I mean? On the other hand, I'm completely anonymous. These people don't know me. What do I care what they think of me? And yet, for some odd reason, I do. I've still got too much ego at work within me or as Deacon Mike says, "too much of self." But I'm working on it.

I've actually been receiving steady e-mail from the paradox. I haven't quite figured out why but I'm glad. I've missed talking to him. I've miss the sarcastic wit. Bless his heart, he's as much a troubled soul as I am and yet we both have a level of serenity. I wish I could somehow introduce him to the deacon. He'd find a lot of guidance there. I have.

I had two phone calls from Nefertiti yesterday. Each one was thankfully interrupted by a phone call from Mom. Nefertiti has issues. I can only listen and share ESH. But she's got to want to work on herself and leave poor Calvin and his family out of it. She's got the Blame Game going on. I recognize it because I used to play it myself. Sometimes I slip and go back to the game.

The Al-Anon district meeting is today. I really don't want to go. I just don't have an interest in such things any more. It seems to me that sometimes all this service work distracts from the real program. I spoke with Thelma about that last night. I also confided to her that I have nothing to take for the luncheon. I'm not going to attempt to take anything either. It's insanity to spend money that I don't have on an item for a luncheon that I'm really not into.

Pay day is Tuesday. I can't wait! I'll be broke when it's over but at least I will have gotten rid of some of the dark clouds hanging over my head. I'm seriously thinking of only paying one of my truck payments and letting the truck go at the end of this month. It's the only way I know to catch up on the rest of my bills. I've been blessed to keep the truck this long. I just don't know how I can afford to keep it any longer.

Here I am almost 12 hours from when I wrote the first part of this blog. I've been to mass and a district meeting. I'm kind of burnt out on the whole Al-Anon thing. I really do think I'd rather just be a member working my program rather than an officer of some type. I guess that sounds wimpy of me but I went backwards while attempting to do that kind of service work.

Since I've been home I've caught the last half of the movie "Boys on the Side". I love this movie even if I struggle to remember the name of it. The love between the characters played by Whoopi Goldberg and Mary Louise Parker are reminiscent of the love found in "The Color Purple" with Miss Celie and Shug Avery or "Fried Green Tomatoes" between Idgie and Ruth. I guess in a way it illustrates the love I have for my friends. The song that Whoppie sings to Mary Louise at the end of the movie is one of my all time favorites. I think it could be used as a love song for the family or friendships. My bff and I discussed this. We're are in agreement about the movie. It is how we feel about each other- we're closer than sisters.

Anything You Want

As sung by Roy Orbison

Every time I look into your lovely eyes,
I see a love that money just can't buy.
One look from you, I drift away.
I pray that you are here to stay.

Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.
Baby!

Every time I hold you I begin to understand,
Everything about you tells me I'm your man.
I live my life to be with you.
No one can do the things you do.

Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.
Baby!
Anything you want
Anything you need
Anything at all

I'm glad to give my love to you.
I know you feel the way I do.
Anything you want, you got it.
Anything you need, you got it.
Anything at all, you got it.
Baby!

Anything you want, you got it
Anything you need, you got it
Anything at all, you got it
Baby
Anything at all
Baby
You got it


My ex wrote me. It's kind of strange to get letters with him calling himself my friend. I bear him no ill feeling but I feel so far removed from who I was when I was with him. It's very hard to explain. I wish him well and that is all.

The self-hate tapes began playing this morning. I don't know what's prompted them but they are replaying past wrongs. I'm trying to shut them down.

I thought if I looked at "control" I might find some answers. I recognize that in this life I have very little control over anything. I can't change the past- it's over and done with. I can't decide the future- it will unwind in its own time. What I have is right here and now.

So what do I have control over? Well, to hear Thelma talk, I do not have control over whether I got up this morning. She gives the credit to God. But I beg to differ with her slightly. God gave me the ability to get out of bed this morning but He also gave me free will. I could decide to stay in bed and wallow in the self-hate or I could get up and start my day. I recognize that God has given me gifts- health, common sense, etc.- but it is up to me as to how I use them.

So, as I acknowledge the gifts that God has given me, I ask again: What do I have control over? Well, in a nutshell, I only have control over my physical self and a limited amount of space around me.

I decided which of the canned cat foods to feed my cats. I decided whether to remove it from the cans and put it in the bowls or whether to merely put the cans inside the bowls.

I decided to take a bath rather than a shower. I had input into when I bathed. I could decide to use soap versus bath gel. I used a bath cloth. I could have used a luffa or a sponge.

I washed my hair. I had a choice in shampoos. I conditioned my hair. I could have decided not to condition it. I also had two choices in which conditioner to use.

I brushed my teeth, I might have chosen not to.

I put on deodorant, again I could have decided to leave that off.

I lotioned my body, again I had a choice.

I got dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. There were other items of clothing I could have chosen.

I took my medication.

I defragged my computer and restarted it.

I read my e-mail. I chose to blog rather than to share with my on-line group about my self-hate tapes. I could have shared with my sponsor as well.

I do have some control over the choices that I make. This list proves that. So, I have a choice over whether I allow my self-hate tapes to influence my opinion of myself. I could worry about why they are playing right now or I can let them go. I can give into them or I can start another set of tapes which say that I am loveable, capable of loving and loved.

Isn't it wonderful to know that I have the freedom to choose?

I feel like I'm living in the land of Oz. Things don't seem real to me today. I got up with a weird feeling, like something just isn't right, and I haven't been able to shake it all day. Then this feeling of utter lonliness swept over me and it has begun to settle around me, too. I wonder if this is one of the things that Deacon Mike was referring to.

Another odd thing happened regarding Sam. I didn't really know him while we were in high school. We became reacquainted at the first inservice this year. I'm not sure I understand what's going on with him. I'm also not sure I want to discuss the weird thing that happened today. All I can say is that I really miss Q.

Mrs. Burns is pretty pissed off at me for not helping with buses yesterday. I figured she would be. She totally walked off after the second bell load got on the buses without saying a word to me. In the attempt to get all children out of the building due to weather alerts I had stayed in my room to see my own students to their buses. I'd asked about bus duty on the other side of the school only to be told that the grade level chairs would be out there helping with buses. I was assured that I was in the right place. But perhaps I asked the wrong person. Twice when I've been out the sub has not reported to do my bus duty and neither has any of the assistants. If I were Mrs. Burns I'd be a litte more than pissed, I'd be fuming.

I just talked to my bff, Thelma, about all that happened today. Her take on things was the same as mine. It's about obstacles being thrown in our paths. But it's also about our buttons being pushed. I think my weaknesses are known and more obstacles will appear. Thelma just warned me about letting people manipulate me with their opinions or, as she put it, "Be careful what you let people pour into your life." In other words, "take what you like and leave the rest."

It is far better to have loved...
than most anything else you
could have done.

This is what my perpetual calendar says today. The Hazelden reading this morning was similar. It spoke about maturity and competing for love. I don't think I'm competing with anyone for love. I know that I am loved and I know that I am capable of loving. More important I love myself- that, to me, is maturity. Apparently someone thought otherwise. Mac sent me today's reading from Hazelden that I'd already received. I'm not sure what he is trying to tell me but it doesn't matter. I know the truth- I am loveable, capable of loving and loved. I choose not to take anything he aims at me personal any more. I figure if he's got something important to say he will get off his ass and pick up a telephone or come over here. I'm not going to allow him to take pot shots at me through the e-mail.

That said, let me tell you how weird today has gone. We got out early due to the weather. We're under a tornado watch. It really feels like we've got one heading this way. I did not go help with buses as I was attending to my own room. I am hoping that I did the right thing as I did the only thing I knew to do.

Thelma called a little while ago. I told her about the phone call from Lois, the
e-mail from Mac and the meeting I had with the deacon last night. We also talked about being evacuated from school because of the weather situation. It seems that they were also told to take cover. Any way, her take on Lois and Mac is that they miss me. Miss me? Each of them verbally abused me or tried to change me in some way. Hey, I may not be perfection personified but I'm okay just the way that I am. I am the fly (see the theme song for The Buzz on Maggie for a reference)!

And what do I know about love? Well, I know that when love is present it builds up and does not tear down. I know that love is liberating and not smothering. I know that love is accepting and not judgmental. I have not mastered complete unconditional love but I'm getting closer to it with a little help from my Higher Power and my friends.

It seems to me that a journal is meant to be a means of reasoning things out with myself. How I express myself in it is totally up to me. Sometimes I have to battle some pretty ferocious demons until I get to the truth. And there is more than one truth- it is relative to the situation.

I pray that my evaluation with the principal goes okay today. It was hard to write a unit and lesson plan for this particular group. I've never had students this low before. I'm grateful to get the opportunity for the principal to see us in action behind us. That kind of puts it in a whole new perspective. If I flub I'll learn from my mistakes. If I do okay, I'll know exactly what she is looking for.

I'm also grateful that I do not have to stay with the last group of children during bus duty today. I've got errands to do after school before I go to RCIA class. Some are gravely important.

The cats and I are down to next to nothing. We're not at rock bottom but we're pretty doggone close. Thankfully pay day isn't so far away. I saw far worse over the summer.

The principal was impressed with us. Once again I've had an administrator tell me that I am earning stars for my crown in heaven. Big eye roll on that one. I do not believe that I am earning anything. I am called to do this job and I do it.

Mom and I are going grocery shopping tomorrow. We each are in need of a few things. I'll be doing laundry at her house.

The deacon says I am on track with my studies in the RCIA class. We've talked about a lot of things today. I really enjoy talking about the things that bug me as they come up. It helps to get them out in the open before I become obsessed with analyzing them or they fester. He told me of a good bible concordance to get and even a better Catholic Bible to obtain. I, in turn, told him of a Christian bookstore that is closer than the one he's been going to. I will need to make a trip up to Yahweh's Garden soon, maybe on the 18th when I take off to finally get Mom's furniture moved.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

As sung by Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
'Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride


This is not the song I woke up with on my radio alarm but this is the song that God led me to this morning.

I took too long a nap yesterday when I got back from the hospital with Mom. I had a hard time going to sleep. Things kept going over and over in my mind about finances. I got up around 1:30 and checked my e-mail, went to the bathroom and changed my gown. It's hot here even with the heat turned off. This is tornado weather.

I got up with a splitting head ache. I've taken asprin but it doesn't seem to be going away. This could be a long, long day.

*************************************************************************************

The head ache went away gradually after I'd eaten something and drank a diet Pepsi. I had a lot of paperwork to do today. It was kind of a slow, boring day.

I've got a neighbor causing me problems. For reasons unknown to me, he thinks I owe him something. He's constantly asking me for money, the use of my telephone, and for me to give him a ride somewhere. I don't trust him. So, I turn him down. I feel bad afterwards but I have to remind myself each and every time that that is how enabling starts. I feel bad for someone, hate to offend or hurt their feelings and the next thing I know I'm sucked into their neediness. Right now my cup runs over with opportunities to take care of myself. I really don't need to feel responsible for someone else. Still he persists in laying on the guilt. I side stepped it today but it makes me a little angry and resentful to feel put upon and manipulated.

I've also gone over some of the things that the paradox said to me. One day he compliments me and the next he deflects his self-hate onto me. I've got to stop valuing everyone else's opinion so much that I take things personally. It's easier when it's a neighbor or someone I don't know. It's harder when it's someone I value as a person. This goes right along with what I've been working on for months and what I am actually working on for my RCIA class tomorrow- humility.

My Al-Anon literature suggests that now is the time for me to make a list of my good points. The first time I tried this 4 years ago, I could not think of one single solitary thing and turned to my alcoholic for help. Wrong thing to do. There wasn't much he liked about me at that point. Here is a list of the good things that I know about myself today:

I am sensitive to other people's feelings. I go out of my way not to say anything to hurt someone else because I wish to have the same consideration bestowed on me.

I do not put myself above others or put on airs. I recognize that I am no better than anyone else.

I try not to put others above me because I recognize that I am no worse than anyone else either.
I am educated and intelligent.

I have a keen sense of humor and love to laugh.

I try to maintain a positive attitude.

I am creative and have some artistic talent.

I am highly analytical and examine things from all sides.

I am cautious and careful.

I like to do research.

I am an abstract thinker, exploring possibilities.

I am not prejudice. I have friends and acquaintance from a diverse background. My bff says that we (she and I) embody Martin Luther King's dream. We're of different races, religious back ground and age groups. Yet we are as close as sisters.

I am spiritually minded and believe in one God.

I take responsibility for my own actions.

I'm a good listener.

I am extremely independent.

I've been studying on humility. I never regarded myself as lacking humility until I came into recovery.

For a long time I did not see my attributes because I was the invisible child or the person others put down. When I began to love myself I felt that by acknowledging the good things about myself I was being conceited.

What I've learned is that humility is a double edged sword. When I put myself down or practice what the paradox refers to as self-depreciation I am playing the martyr and, in a sense, drawing more attention to myself. When I pat myself on the back or brag I am being conceited and drawing too much attention to myself.

I guess humility is acknowledging to myself that I am loved and being content with whatever form it takes from myself and others. It is also placing more importance on my standing with God than with man. It is saying, "This is who I am" and not worrying what others think as long as I am obeying the two greatest commandments- to love God with all my mind, heart and soul and to love my neighbor as myself.

I am grateful that the paradox brought this to my attention. I will work on how I express myself from now on.

Tomorrow the principal will be evaluating me. I'm afraid she won't see much. Our only mobile child goes out to inclusion for an hour. That leaves the three in wheel chairs. One of them will be absent. That narrows the playing field down even futher. We'll see what happens. I still wonder why she did not use some of that time she observed me with Q for an evaluation. I could have produced a behavioral lesson plan and unit. We'd already have this behind me.

I'm pushing it to get paperwork completed. When I work on that I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It's not such a great feeling.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order.
--Eudora Welty

We will experience no coincidence today. All situations that transpire in the next 24 hours have their purpose. No single event, not the tired, hurried smile from a boss, the phone call from a frantic friend, or the cold response from a co-worker is without impact on our current perception of life. However, we shouldn't try to evaluate the full significance of any passing event without God's help. Letting our Higher Power offer us clarity regarding the circumstances in our life will ensure a healthy perspective.

We've all experienced trauma because we exaggerated a problem rather than calmly let our inner wisdom guide us. We're only an impulsive thought away from a flurry of problems. Likewise, we're only an instant away from peace and enlightenment. The quiet mind will be ever present if that's our wish.

I'll truly understand the events of today if I quietly let God reveal their significance.
From: In God's Care by Karen Casey


I've read some where that coincidence if God remaining anonymous. That kind of goes along with this reading, I guess.

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that when we leave things alone, they just kind of unfold like a flower.

I've read alot on synchronicity in recent months. It seems to me that when I follow my inner voice, trust my intuition, things are revealed to me that I never would have imagined. To fight the voice or to distrust my instincts is to miss out on some glorious events.

I'm swallowing a huge chunk of pride today. But my inner voice is telling me to ask for help. I'm on empty and have very left around here to eat. Ruby is going to put gas in my truck and then I can drive to Mom's house to eat and do laundry tomorrow.

I've been working on a few things from my RCIA class. The bottom line is that I've been putting others in the God seat, allowing their opinion to decide whether I am okay or not. The opinion of others is not necessary. I need to stop worrying over things that others say or think about me. If I am not doing anything wrong and putting my best foot forward, I have done enough.

I submitted my first attempt at chairing on-line this morning. After going round and round about what the topic ought to be, I finally settled on growth through powerlessness. The idea came from one of my favorite Al-Anon books, Having Had a Spiritual Awakening....

"The more I feel my smallness and powerlessness, the more I grow in opportunity."

This book has a thought provoking question after each reading. The question for this particular reading is:

"What trials have I used as opportunities to grow?"

Hopefully some in the group will feel moved to share. Otherwise, I'll feel like I screwed that up. (one just popped up on my screen- I have instant messenger. Yeah!) I asked for help in doing the Tuesday Focus on CAL as I am the chair this month. A newcomer stepped forward as did a few who aren't so new. If this newcomer is willing to do the four Tuesdays this month, I won't have to trouble the others. At least she expressed a willingness.

I had many bouts of powerlessness in 2007. It's all right here in this blog. I still wish I'd saved those entries that I erased. There's no getting those back. But I feel grateful to have had this venue to write in. So often it is hard to find anyone to listen without giving advice.

If any of you reading this would care to comment on the topic, feel free to. I won't publish it if you express that I keep it to myself.

After mass today I'll be taking my mother to the hospital. She's being admitted for outpatient surgery tomorrow. I'm hoping I have enough gas in my truck to get from point A to point B. I'm taking tomorrow off so that I'll be available to interpret for the mom and to transport her home.

I've got homework to work on today and tomorrow. I've got lesson plans to write and work to do for Wednesday's RCIA class. I've put these things off long enough. Procrastination. That used to be a foreign thing to me. I always had to be right up on top of things and perfect. My, how times have changed.

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Well, let's see. I've had 7 volunteer to help me with Tuesday's Focus on CAL. The newcomer among these just sent me an e-mail and believes it will be fun. That is very encouraging. I don't know if she will do it all four Tuesdays this month or if she will just do it this week. It doesn't matter. She's willing.

Two people have shared with the group and I've gotten three messages in an aside. One was from a newcomer looking for a sponsor. He's in need of a male sponsor. I asked the trusted servant coordinator if she'd post the list of sponsors again.

When I got to church Mr. Brown handed me a bulletin like he always does and the deacon quietly informed me that the joke I sent him was on the back. I never expected him to do such a thing. I just knew he collected jokes and sent him one- one friend to another. Thelma's name made the prayer list in the bulletin as well.

Mom panicked and called the church for a ride to the hospital because she couldn't remember when I was going to pick her up. We got there in plenty of time considering that the doctor had not put her on the list. There was a shortage of nurses and no beds. They had to make room for her. I left after the nurse showed up to go check on my brother.

Since I've been home I've completed a unit and a lesson plan. I've e-mailed them to the principal. I've completed most of my evaluation forms and called that parent about Friday's M-Team meeting. I've also fielded two Al-Anon phone calls. One from Thelma and the other from Nefertiti.

I did not go to a meeting tonight because I felt like I'd already had one with my on-line group. I did send a flyer to two of Marian's sons and I asked them to announce our upcoming fund raiser as we need support and encouragement. I certainly do not expect either of them to do anything with it but it was worth a shot. The speaker is from Huntsville as is son # 3. It would be good if folks from her area came to support her. Son #2 most likely will ignore my e-mail and adopt a blase attitude. He never attends anything Al-Anon. I think he's afraid he'll catch what we've got. LOL He might be correct in his fear and then again... I'm not so sure that he isn't sicker than I am. Perhaps I should throw down a gauntlet and see what happens.

The past few days I've gotten suckered into a debate with the paradox over one of the most trivial things imaginable - the meaning behind the songs that pop into our heads. We each have the right to our own opinion. I can't believe that I allowed him the luxury of underminding my program. Geez, Louise. Why do I even care what he thinks?

I've got enough problems these days without getting sidetracked into silly stuff. It makes one wonder why he would go from not communicating at all, to just a few words, to whole paragraphs? If I stopped to analyze it (major character defect) I would make myself sick. So after a week of exchanged e-mails, I've let it go.

I can't help but think that there's more going on than just songs popping into his head. This is the first time that he's actually started an argument with me. Normally he zings me and runs. He's kept coming back for more.

I love the man but, great day in the morning, he tapped danced on my last nerve. I wish he'd just come out and say whatever is on his mind. It's not songs.

Any way, this whole thing did give me food for thought. I am signed up to chair the Awakening meetings for the month of January. Tomorrow will be my first attempt at chairing on-line. I guess the perfectionist in me is coming out. I'm a little nervous and worried about screwing up. I had a million different things going through my head as topics. But this bout with the paradox put me back into analyzing things. So, I thought I'd start with that and then I saw something else- Step One. I'm powerless over this man- his behavior, his opinion, his lack of interest in me or his apparent interest if that is the case. So I searched until I found a reading in Having Had a Spiritual Awakening... and found a jump off point and a question. I'm just not sure if it would be breaking guidelines. So, I sent a query to the person who is over all of that and I await an answer.

Thelma is getting her home e-mail hooked up as I type. She wanted to be able to maintain contact with people while she recuperated from her surgery. Nefertiti has asked for Thelma's home address so that she can send her a get well card. I asked permission before I gave it. I'm getting better at respecting boundaries. There may be hope for me yet.

For some reason the words to the Kansas song, "Carry on My Wayward Son" popped into my head just now. Then I read the ACIM workbook lesson and it began to make a little sense.

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PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
=========================

==========================================================
Lesson 196:
"It can be but myself I crucify."
==========================================================

I see today's lesson as very empowering. It is teaching me that all
power is in me. There is nothing external to me that can harm me. Nothing,
no exceptions. This puts me fully in charge of my experience and it
eliminates all belief in enemies. There is no external force in any form
to battle against. There is nothing to defend against. All fear, all
pain, all sorrow and guilt are products of my own thinking.

Since they come from my thinking, I can be free of them by changing my
thinking. I need no external help but I do need to be willing to accept
the Help that is in my mind, ready to teach me the difference between
true and false, real and unreal. My freedom does not wait on time. It
waits only on my willingness to let the Holy Spirit in my mind show me
the Love behind all the forms of fear I have imagined. My own thoughts
are the cause of all my distress.

In this world, we are taught and taught again that we must protect
ourselves from myriad external forms of danger. Now we are being encouraged
to recognize the true source of that perceived danger -- our own
thoughts. No longer need we be helpless victims. Our power is recognized
once again as we accept that it is our own thoughts that are the cause and
that we have the power to change our thoughts.

This is perhaps the most difficult part of changing our mind. We have
so thoroughly taught ourselves that our thoughts are powerless that we
need help in recognizing the falsity of this teaching. By the grace of
God we have that Help. It is the Holy Spirit in our minds. He needs only
our willingness to open to His teaching for Him to bring us the gift
of new perception that shows us our strength, our innocence and our
safety.

With His vision we see that only Love is real, that God is our Friend
and our Father. Now we can walk with confidence and peace, knowing that
God goes with us wherever we go. We always have a Friend Who will show
us the truth, Whom we can trust.

I have great gratitude for today's idea, for by it I am able to
recognize my true Strength, my Self, and recognize that I am not an ego. I am
in truth the extension of Love that I was created to be.


This lesson reminds me how important it is to really look at the
thoughts that I am putting my belief in. It is these thoughts that create my
experience. As long as I continue to believe that something outside is
the cause of my experience, I am denying my salvation and putting up a
barrier against God.

It is only the ego's thought system that generates the idea that there
is anything outside myself. My job now is to expand my willingness to
remember that it is always an inside job. As I am willing to monitor my
thoughts, I will soon learn to recognize when I am joining with the ego
thought system. Joining with this thought system is the same as
crucifying myself.

The Course tells me that it does not take a thousand years to undo the
ego thought system. The time is shortened when I am willing to look at
ego thoughts and take them to the Holy Spirit to be undone. This needs
to be my consistent practice, the one habit that I consistently apply
to every concern, every anxiety, every circumstance where I am not in
peace.

In reality, the world is nothing. My belief in separate bodies comes
only from my joining with the ego thought system. It is only my thoughts
that give a world "outside" me any meaning. I can practice today
letting the Holy Spirit give the world all the meaning it has for me today.

Wading across troubled waters
requires a courageous mind...
Trying to leap across requires
no mind at all.


This is my message on my perpetual calendar today and it sort of fits. I just read a new e-mail from the paradox. I can only shake my head in disbelief. Once again he has totally missed the boat.

The whole thing about songs running through my mind is not what he thinks they are. I don't think it's an attempt for someone to control me or for me to control someone else. Sometimes I share what I hear because of the mental illness in my family. My thought sometimes is that I am also mentally ill- that I've totally lost it. Now that may seem like approval seeking but my program tells me that I need to share my thoughts with someone else in order to keep a grip on reality. There are other times I share a song because I'm happy, sad or angry and I need to reach out to share those feelings. Yes, sometimes I share a song that I think someone needs to hear because I still want to "fix" things. I truly want everyone to be happy. I guess that is manipulating another person's feelings.

After reading his e-mail I began to think once again that this man really and truly hates me but I'm beginning to think that there is something else behind all his cynicism. Oh, well, he has to work those things out for himself. I can't do it for him or, more to the point, I won't do it for him. Know what? I may have to walk away from him like I did Mac. I can't get myself worked up about someone else's opinion. I'm still in survival mode. I still have a lot of things going on that are crucial to me staying focused.

I received another e-mail this afternoon. I'm not sure what's really going on with this dude. All I can think to say is, "Brother's got issues." It feels like he's picking a fight with me. On the one hand the sick person in me wants to jump into the fray and on the other I choose to let it go. I could analyze what his behavior means but I just don't want to get sick again. You know what I mean?

Today I will try to find myself a sub for Monday. I think going with my mother to the hospital is the right thing to do. She needs to have an interpreter there for when the doctor tells her something. He's from another country and she can't get past his accent. Jamie has been in for Jennifer the last two days. She said she'd come for me on Monday. Nancy will be in for me on the 18th.

This weekend I've got to work on a pretty tight lesson plan and get my evaluation forms filled out. I've got an observation on Wednesday. I wish the drama queen would be out sick that day. It would make things a lot easier.

George brought me this used keyboard from his son, Wynne. Very grateful. I was tired of borrowing.

I borrowed a keyboard again. Mine is working but the keys stick. It's more of a handicap than a help. I should have a used one coming to me next week. I hope.

We had a new assistant in the room today. I broke her in good. She got to help with diapers and tube feedings. Hey, that's a part of the job. Jennifer and I do these things daily. Kim has to learn, too.

We got word yesterday that Q was in town for Christmas and there is talk that he will be back at our school soon. I'll believe it when I see it. There was also word that Daniel was moving back here and would be in the classroom on Monday. It will be a full house.

Mom has to have a colonoscomy ( I can't spell it) on Monday. She goes into the hospital on Monday. I can't take off to go with her. I will be taking her to the hospital after mass on Sunday and staying with her on Monday when she has her surgery. I'm also taking off on the 18th to help get that her stuff moved off the curb and the porch. I've got Mrs. Rogers for the 18th. I'll have to see if Jamie can come in on the 7th.

I wasn't going to include any song lyrics today but I have had one come to me in the last few minutes.

The Gambler

As sung by Kenny Rogers


On a warm summers evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said,"Son, I've made a life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said," If you"re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right."

Chorus
"You got to know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done."

"Now ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'cause ev'ry hands a winner and ev'ry hands a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

So when he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

Chorus x2


First the words came to me because I was bored. There's nothing on television. Eighty-two channels to pick from and I can't find anything that interests me! I hate being bored. It used to be a permanent state of mind for me. I think that is why I sought out drama. Drama has had a very bad effect on me. So, naturally I got concerned when I recognized the boredom. I came in here and began working on some Al-Anon stuff on the computer.

Second, the song is not just about playing cards. It's about taking risks. It's about a leap of faith. It's not always possible to know what others are holding in their hands or what an outcome will be. Sometimes you have to just plunge in.

Third, it's about faith and hope. When you're "out of aces" you're down to nothing. That's when you have to Let Go and Let God. I learned that over the summer.

Happy New Year!

Thelma and Louise aka Linda and Yolanda celebrated the new year with laughter and tears. We had a mini Al-Anon meeting in my apartment last night. No one came to see in the new year in with us but that was okay. Before you ask, I am Louise.

Linda hasn't been here in quite some time. She was surprised at the changes in my apartment. She says I've made myself a little nest. I call it my sanctuary. In this room I have that dresser that trapped me a few months ago, my dolls and some of my books, this computer and scrap booking. In my living room I have my tranquility fountains. Last night Linda slept with one plugged in that glowed.

We're going to mass this morning at 11:00. It will be the first Catholic church that she's ever been to. It will be a surprise for her.

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Received a very sincere and unexpected compliment from one of the elderly men at church who has adopted me. I inquired about our mutual acquaintance Mr. Joe. He's in the nursing home. Mr. Harold was about to go see him. I told him to tell Mr. Joe that I had asked about him and that I wanted to send a card but that I doubted he'd remember my name. Mr. Harold laughed at me and said it was very unlikely that Mr. Joe would forget me- he remembers beautiful women. Blush. Linda heard the latter part of the conversation and told him that I was beautiful inside and out. It's hard not to have high self-esteem with these people around.

Okay I've been given instructions from my sista to hence forth refer to her as Thelma in my blogs. She kind of liked the reference even though neither of us remember much about the movie other than Geena Davis hooked up with Brad Pitt and at the end of the movie the women soared off a cliff into a deep gorge.

It began to snow after Thelma left. She called me once she got home to let me know she was safe. I worry about her getting sick in all that Birmingham traffic or on the interstate. I told her about the snow and she said she wished she'd stayed an extra hour. She'd been hoping to get snowed in so that she would not have to go back to work tomorrow. Her former boyfriend called while she was here. She still loves him and is so torn up about how things ended. But sometimes you have to walk away.

I think I might have misinterpreted the paradox when he asked me about my reference to songs popping into my head. I had sent him two that came to mind about him and I thought later to tell him the two songs that make me think of him when I hear them on the radio. I'm not sure what prompted him to ask about songs. Now that I think about it, he might have been trying to figure out if my cheese has slipped off my cracker. Who knows? Not very important.

I felt moved to call Jane up tonight and wish her a Happy New Year. She was so uplifted by the meeting Sunday night that she said that she'd probably be back some time in the future(Lois behaved herself and there were no antics on anyone's part.). She also gave me a compliment. Brace yourself, the ceiling might cave in. She said I was a whole lot calmer and had come a long way. She could see a lot of growth in me.

2007 was not the best of years. I am hoping that 2008 will be better.