Barry has begun a new adventure. We moved he and some of his things this morning to Lebanon, TN. He will sit in on a college course at Cumberland University in June. I've talked to the professor and made arrangements.

Now comes the task of cleaning out his apartment. I am mortified and ashamed of the state it is in. You can barely walk in it. Gnats are flying all around. His cat is safely secured outside underneath my truck- he won't come into my apartment for an extended stay. So, I bug bombed the place. Hopefully there won't be any gnats tomorrow when I begin cleaning. Philip and Charlotte are going to help me clean it and get furniture moved out. Tim, the landlord, said that we could use all of the trash cans from the other empty apartments. He said he'd even pull them to the curb if I couldn't. I'm having the cable and telephone turned off there tomorrow. After next week the electricity will be turned off.

For Barry this is the end of one chapter and the beginning of another one. He has a ton of opportunities awaiting him and I am excited for him.

In some ways it is also the beginning of a new adventure for me. I also have a chapter ending and a new one beginning. I think the future is going to be rocky but bright for us all. I think it's time for the Hughey nuts to finally have lives of our own. It's just the right time.

I think of all the Obama speeches about change and I have to say he's absolutely right. There are major changes coming. Some of them will be majorly bad but will have good results. Others will be good at the onset and have disastrous results. The prediction of flu and a pandemic that I heard somewhere (while I was working on my World War One book ironically) seems to be coming true. The financial failure is also moving along at a rapid pace. And this is just the beginning. And as horrible as it sounds this may be the change that has the good results. Who knows?

I really don't want to dwell on such things. I want to revel in the knowledge that I have finally been able to make my amends to my mother and brother. I feel liberated no matter what happens.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to decieve.

I've always loved that quote. It's right up there with, "by the prickling of my thumb something wicked this way comes."

I've listened and spoke to a few people around school. It seems the job situation is due to the principal listening to two disgruntled assistants. Oh, well. I can't please everyone.

Cool Change

As sung by Little River Band

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear waters
There's lots of those friendly people
Showin me ways to go
And I never want to lose their inspiration

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so pre-arranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

Well I was born in the sign of water
And it's there that I feel my best
The albatross and the whales
they are my brothers
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Starin' at the full moon
like a lover

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so prearranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

Well I've never been romantic
And sometimes I don't care
I know it may sound selfish
But let me breathe the air

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time that I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear waters
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Staring at the full moon like a lover

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life is so prearranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

I'm Movin' On

As sung by Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Sometimes the best mode of action is to do nothing and wait patiently. At least that's what I'm learning.

I'm a great believer in karma- what goes around comes around. I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. If others did the same thing we'd live in a perfect world. Alas, we do not and these people who have been stepping all over their co-workers and neighbors are going to reap what they sow one of these days. It's not that I hope for something terrible to happen to anyone but sometimes I would like to see justice served.

I've heard others talk about having a mantra. I really never understood what that was or even if I could have one. But as I read my e-mail this morning I realized that I do have a mantra. I recited it to myself and others during that horrible summer two years ago. My mantra is: I am loveable, capable or loving and loved. By keeping my mind set on that my days were more bearable. That will be what gets me through these days between teaching and finding another job.

It's impossible to be angry, depressed or out of sorts when practicing gratitude. I need a serious pick me up for my mood tonight. So, I'm doing a gratitude list.

A- apartment, Al-Anon
B- Barry, butterflies, bottled water
C- cats, church, courage, Cindy, chocolate
D- Dawn, Deacon Mike, Darcy
E- education, Elyce, e-mail
F- faith, forgiveness, frozen dinners
G- God, grace
H- hope
I- internet
J- Jesus, Jerry, Jackie
K- kindness
L- Leg Up Therapeutic Horseback Riding, Linda, Lois may she rest in peace
M- Marian, Mike, mercy, Mom, Mary Alice, Mickey
N- necklace
O- opportunities, options
P- program, prayer, Peggy, Paulyn
Q- quilt
R- Rebecca, Rosie, recovery, Mrs. Rose
S- serenity, silence, sunshine, Susan
T- Teresa, Twelve Steps, topsy turvy tomato planter
U- uniqueness
V- Vicki
W- wisdom
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- zoology

To thine ownself be true.

That's the statement I hear in my head today. I choose to move forward and not take personally the things going on around me. I choose to believe that my feet are on the right path. I will not let petty behavior- mine or anyone else's- sidetrack me in my progress.

Change, while sometimes frightening, is a necessary part of existence. Life without change would hold little opportunity for growth.

These are the words on my perpetual calendar this morning. Even before Obama used the phrase about change I said there was change coming. I was referring to my personal family situation. And I was right. Little did I know that our changes would call for us to transform or evolve. Sometimes I wish we could just rest on our laurels but we'd have no opportunity for growth.

Change

As sung by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?


The place in Lebanon looks good. Barry and I went up to look around today. He willing signed papers for me to be his power of attorney. It looks like he could be moving at the end of this month.

I shared all of this with various people. Most were glad to hear this but Aunt Nelle did it again. She took something good and made it sound so, I don't know, like I hadn't done anything at all these last nine months. Each time I talk to her I feel so inferior. I've decided it's best I don't talk to her at all. I give up. This was one of the topics that Barry and I talked about on the way home. It seems to have come full circle. I am not inferior to anybody. I was made to be different from others. And I am.

I've got options for myself it seems. Listening to Linda name all of my options off to me didn't make me feel any better. It kind of made me sad. As I told Barry about his own situation, God will direct our path. None of us know where we might end up but to pass on opportunities would be like saying, "no" to God.

I ran into Sam before we left town. He's okay. I totally get him. He needs a friend and, right about now, so do I.

When I got up this morning I was feeling sorry for myself. A thought entered my mind and quickly left. I can't even think to tell you what it was but it was a doozie. The idea behind it was that I didn't really want to go to work. How could I when I have learned that I am not rehired next year? I keep wanting to wail about how unfair this is- the principal was negligent in transferring my tenure from Maury County, the special education supervisor observed me on my lunch break for my eval, etc. But you know what? I really don't care any more. I feel sure that something will come my way and everything will be okay. A part of me wants to obsess over what that something might be but I quickly get that out of my mind. I have other things to worry about.

Mom's financial situation has been taken care of. She can rest easy now. I fudged on some of my own bills and helped the payee take care of her Medicaid Waiver co-pay. She's actually ahead for the first time. Now if the bank will just go on and foreclose on the house.

Barry and I go to look at the place in Lebanon tomorrow. The manager is a notary. If we sign anything, it's a done deal. I'm happy for him and scared at the same time.

Bankruptcy is done. I've written a courtesy letter to Joey and his dad. It was the very least I could do.

Just now the words to a Ray Stevens song popped in my head. I couldn't find the lyrics online. But I hear, "I wake up in the morning 'fore the crack of dawn, jump into my sweats and I'm gone. Joggin'. I got joggin' on the brain...." It sounds like that old rat race we fun called life.

I don't know. That sounds so negative and I choose to be more positive. So, I quote Julian of Norwich, "All is well and all shall be well."

I learned on Monday that I would not be rehired next year at my teaching job. I cried. But then I had a sense of peace settle over me. Can't explain that. Amidst all the financial turmoil going on it is not a good time to be without a job.

As bad as things seem they could be worse. I could be in the same shape that I was in 2 summers ago. I will be grateful for the blessing that God had given me.

A- Angel Food Ministry, antidepressants, Al-Anon
B- Barry, Becky
C- cats, change for the washer and dryer, Charlotte, cable
D- Deacon Mike, Diane, Daniel
E- education, Elyce, electricity
F- faith, freedom from bankruptcy (it ended April 1)
G- gratitude, grace
H- hope, health, humor
I- internet, Immaculate Conception Catholic Church
J- Jimmy, Jane U.
K- Kimberly (my prison sponsee), kind words
L- Linda, Leg Up the therapeutic horseback riding center
M- Mom, Marian, music, Melanie
N- nuts, Noah
O- optimism, orchids
P- paycheck, potted plants, Phillip, Paul
Q- quilt
R- radio, Mrs. Rose
S- Silly songs, serenity, Susan from the Awakenings group
T- truck, Tim my landlord, topsy turvy tomato plant
U- umbrella
V- violets
W- washing machine, windshield wipers
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- zinnias

I feel blessed this morning. It is Easter and my birthday. This is the first time my birthday has come with Easter.

Easter is a time of renewal. It celebrates the resurrection of our Lord! I feel renewed and refreshed. I'm not another day older, I'm another day closer to enlightenment.

Hold the Line

As sung by Toto

It's not in the way that you hold me
It's not in the way you say you care
It's not in the way you've been treating my friends
It's not in the way that you stayed till the end
It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you'll do


Chorus:
Hold the line, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh
Hold the line, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh


It's not in the words that you told me, girl
It's not in the way you say you're mine, ooh
It's not in the way that you came back to me
It's not in the way that your love set me free
It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you'll do


Chorus


(Instrumental break)


It's not in the words that you told me
It's not in the way you say you're mine, ooh
It's not in the way that you came back to me
It's not in the way that your love set me free
It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you'll do


Chorus - love isn't always on time


Hold the line, love isn't always on time -
love isn't always, love isn't always on time
Hold the line, love isn't always on time, love isn't always on time
Love isn't always on time, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh

************************************************************************************

Although I think society is a little confused about what love is and is not, I think the sentiment here is true. We forget that God is Love. He's everywhere and always available. And yet when we are anxious we feel that He moves too slow. Time, as we know it, is slow. God is and that is all that matters.

In my living room sits my mother. For the first 43 years of my life I played second fiddle with her to my brother, a special needs person. I understand why he took up so much of her time. I really do. But the human in me has always resent the bond they shared. I felt like the outsider. But here she sits, napping, and when I asked her a little while ago if she was going to visit with my brother who lives two doors down she indicated that she was not going to his apartment. It's strange how the distance in miles helped to untie the apron strings.

You know how in recovery they say "one day at a time"? I'm living that. In my mind I hear the lyrics to a song, "one step at a time...", but I'm not sure where it comes from. I soldier on as my therapist says and take my lumps as I get them.

I had received a certified letter in the mail and kept imagining that it was from my principal, notifying me that I was fired. Thankfully it was about a bounced check that I can take care of next week.

I have been sweating the whole brother moving to Lebanon, TN thing. He's anxious and he's making me anxious. He walked to my job two days in a row and smarted off to my principal without knowing it the second day. I took yesterday off to get him sorted out and to nurse myself (I'm suffering from seasonal allergies).

Had therapy yesterday. I can do all of this. I will be okay whatever the outcome and my brother will be okay.

I was notified yesterday that my bankruptcy is officially over! Yay! I was even refunded $7.65. Hey, I can treat myself to a cheeseburger and a milkshake.

Life isn't perfect but it's not bad. It could be a lot worse.

It's a Jungle Out There

Theme song from Monk
As sung by Randy Newman

It's a jungle out there
Disorder and confusion everywhere
No one seems to care
Well I do
Hey, who's in charge here?
It's a jungle out there

Poison in the very air we breathe
Do you know what's in the water that you drink?
Well I do, and it's amazing
People think I'm crazy, 'cause I worry all the time
If you paid attention, you'd be worried too
You better pay attention
Or this world we love so much might just kill you
I could be wrong now, but I don't think so!
'Cause there's a jungle out there.
It's a jungle out there.


This is just another way of looking at what I said yesterday. It's more about free will than people realize.

Faith is an amazing thing. To believe something just because someone told you that it is the truth is an amazing thing unto itself. Some would call you gullible if you were listening to a mere mortal. And yet weren't those who wrote the chapters found in the Bible mere human beings?

Thomas, one of the 12 apostles, was a doubter, or a questioner. Asking questions is how we discern what is and isn't true. So why do we brand those who ask questions about God athiests. Maybe they're not. Maybe they are trying to gain an understanding for the unexplainable. There is no better example of this for me than two songs that were came a decade apart. XTC came out with Dear God and a little later Dear Mister Jesus was written. One is written in the words of a small child and the other is written by an adult who has lost his way. There's the voice of innocence and then there's the voice of the angry, disenchanted adult. I think the child understands free will better than the adult. Look at the lyrics and you will see what I mean.

Dear Mister Jesus

Dear Mr. Jesus, I just had to write to you
Something really scared me, when I saw it on the news
A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue
Jesus, thought I'd take this right to you

Dear Mr. Jesus, I don't understand
Why they took her mom and dad away
I know that they don't mean to hit with wild and angry hands
Tell them just how big they are I pray

Please don't let them hurt your children
We need love and shelter from the storm
Please don't let them hurt your children
Won't you keep us safe and warm

Dear Mr. Jesus, they say that she may die
Oh I hope the doctors stop the pain
I know that you could save her and take her up to the sky
So she would never have to hurt again

Please don't let them hurt your children..
Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do
And please don't tell my daddy
But my mommy hits me, too.
Please don't let them hurt your children...

words and music by Richard Klender
© 1985 Klenco, Inc. (Klenco Music Group), ASCAP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear God

As sung by XTC

Dear God,
Hope you got the letter,
And I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer,
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet,
cause they don't get enough to eat

From God,
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you,
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street,
cause they can't make opinions meet,
About God,
I can't believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too!

Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed,
But your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true.
Well I know it ain't and so do you,
Dear God,
I can't believe in,
I don't believe in,

I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners,
No devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it's the same the whole world round.
The hurt I see helps to compound,
That the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,
Is just somebody's unholy hoax,
And if your'e up there you'll perceive,
That my heart's here upon my sleeve.
If there's one thing I don't believe in...

It's you,
Dear God.

You know how a song just speaks to your mood. Well, here is mine....

Under Pressure

As sung by Queen

Mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu bum da de

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure - that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Um ba ba be
Um ba ba be
De day da
Ee day da - that's o.k.

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'

Pray tomorrow - gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets
Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba
O.k.

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours

Ee do ba be
Ee da ba ba ba
Um bo bo
Be lap

People on streets - ee da de da de
People on streets - ee da de da de da de da

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'

Pray tomorrow - gets me higher high high
Pressure on people - people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work

Keep coming up with love
but it's so slashed and torn
Why - why - why ?
Love love love love love

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance

Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves dares you to change our way of

Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

There is so much on my shoulders right now. I used to be the super responsible one. That "S" on my chest stood for Superwoman. Not any more. I don't seem to have that unnameable quality that lets me pull myself up by my boot straps and take charge. The caretaker has now become something else. I have to let go of all the things I used to take care of because I am now aware of just how powerless I am.

Case in point the co-pay for Mom's Medicaid Waiver. I never received a bill. I inquired about it lots of times but never got any kind of answer. I was told that the administration at Country Cottage didn't know what I was talking about and not to worry about it. Now comes a bill for 4 months worth of co-pay. I've been letting go of my own bills to keep both Mom and Barry up to date with the things they've needed. I would have paid this bill if I had gotten it. Hopefully something will give.

In the mean time I've got a new living situation for Barry. I can't make him do it but I'm being called on to manipulate him into accepting this. If he doesn't, my situation will get worse. Barry is dragging me down.

I'm a little depressed right now. I don't know why. It could be because I've found a placement for my brother that will give him a little more independence and freedom. But that's a good thing, right? I don't know why that would make me depressed. Or it could be because administration keeps putting more assistants in my classroom to solve the problem of Taylor. I'm not sure what is making me feel so glum. Just wish the feeling would go away. Wish some friend in recovery would call to chat. I've tried calling my sponsor. She's not in.

A song keeps going through my head. I hear the lines, "I wanna go home" over and over. I'll have to look that one up. I know the song but not the title.

Home

As sung by MIchael Buble

Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna go home
...uhm Home
may be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
just wanna go home
I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters
that I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home


And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
but you always believed in me...

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home
I miss you , you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home"