"The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out..."

My student with the multipersonalities is obsessed with worms. One of the assistants brought in gummy worms for him today. The song, the tune from the Alfred Hitchcock TV show, came to mind. I went on line to find it for him and sang it to him. Pretty cool stuff. The only other song I know with worms in it is "Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I'll go eat worms..." Not as cool.

We went trunk or treating this afternoon with the 3rd graders. The ice cream buckets that were given to me from church members made excellent trick or treat carriers because the lid on it kept things from falling out. This morning we made popcorn pumpkin balls. It's just marsh mallow cream, popcorn and orange jello mix with candy of choice to make the face. Quedarrius did not get to assist because he had a bad morning. Taylor helped make them. Thankfully, Q pulled himself together so that he could go trunk or treating with us.

Had a relatively good meeting last night. Mark showed up over in Lawrenceburg. The poor guy had been crying before he got there. Glad he showed up. Jane heard someone besides me tell her that our group has changed for the worse. Mark did speak last night. It took prompting but he did tell us a little about what was bothering him. But I think the best thing about last night's meeting was the porch meeting before with John 2 and the informal talking between Elaine S., Jane and I before the meeting.

There have been some good shares in the on-line group too. This week it's about open minds and willing hearts. Another good topic. Love that group!

Just Once

As sung by James Ingrum

I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
'Cause here we are back where we were before
Seems nothing ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we oughta stay
Or head on out the door

Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
Why we never last for very long
What are we doing wrong
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

I gave my all
But I think my all may have been too much
'Cause Lord knows we're not getting anywhere
Seems we're always blowing whatever we got going
And seems at times with all we've got
We haven't got a prayer
Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
Why the goodtimes never last for very long
Seems we're always blowing
Whatever we got going

Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

Just once I want to understand
Why it always come back to good-bye
Why can't we get ourselves in hand
And admit to one another
That we're no good with out the other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together

Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we can break through it
If we could just get to it

Just once
If we could get to it

Just Once...


Just now I was reflecting on this assignment that my therapist gave me a few weeks ago. I've completed a little bit of the worksheets that she gave me about assertiveness. I also remembered part of a conversation that I had last night before and after the meeting.

For some reason the words, "my best wasn't good enough" popped into my head. I guess it has more to do with what others have said and how they've behaved toward me rather than how I feel about myself. I was thinking about the armoir that I bought and put together by myself even though I didn't know what I was doing. I was trying to create closet space for my mother. It's been falling apart ever since. I know it's not the best armoir that she could have had but it was the best that I could do. It was the best that someone with no experience in carpentry could do. I think about my financial decisions over the last year. I've really botched things up. But I made the best decision that I could with the facts that I had. I could go on and on.

The point is that by accepting my limitations and admitting to them I am be assertive. It's saying, "Look, I know I'm not perfect but I gave it my best shot and I refuse to allow you to make me feel like a second class citizen." That's assertiveness. It's standing on my work and accepting my limitations as well as speaking up to get my needs met.

So, when I insert this song in my blog this evening it is not with romantic thoughts. It is with a sense of empowerment. (I'm not sure I spelled that correctly. But you know what I mean.)

Oh, I guess it could apply to relationships, too. But the way I see it relationships of any kind be they family, friends or lovers take both parties working together. I don't do the one sided thing any more. And that is assertiveness, too.

"I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do."

It seems that my mulitpersonality student's mother is running scared. Not sure why. Suddenly she wants to remove him from school and place him on home bound or home school him. Could it be that she's afraid of the big, bad school teacher?

I've been on the telephone a lot today in regards to Quedarrius. I've talked to 3 caseworkers and Centerstone. I think he needs to have some blood tests run to see what his levels are or to see if he's been introduced to some other drugs besides his prescribed medication.

Also received a phone call from Fayetteville Jr. High in regards to Daniel. The teacher is requesting that I send out his portfolio that I began. I've got to collect some signatures and, of course, I will make a copy of it in case he comes back as suspected.

We're making popcorn pumpkin calls tomorrow in class and painting rather than carving our pumpkins. I'm afraid to have a knife in the classroom due to Quedarrius' behavior.

The vision teacher has another wheelchair child that she's trying to refer to my classroom. I don't know what I've done to impress Mrs. Murdock but apparently I'm the best thing to hit Giles County since sliced bread. Imagine that!

I'm going to a meeting in Lawrenceburg tonight. I've got to pick up a smaller version of the Courage to Change in exchange for the bigger one that I handed to Jane last week.

I've made a lot more progress in becoming assertive than people realize. I haven't filled out my homework sheets for the therapist yet but already I can see that I'm making strides.

Financially, I'm sinking fast but as I can't do anything about it I keep that in prayer and trust that God will take care of it.

As to my biological family- I'm afraid that they are totally clueless as to who I am and always have been. Their opinion doesn't hurt me so much any more.

I really don't know when it happened but somewhere along the line I became the devil incarnate. This is according to my mother's family. Personally, I think they need to get a life. Yes, I stood by and watched Mom and Barry go down hill. Nothing could be done for either of them until Mom asked for help. Then, I signed them up for every service that was available to them. They are actually living better than when I was in the picture. I can actually rest easy because they are okay. It's me that needs help. But no one wants to see the obvious. They just want to point fingers and dwell on what I'm not doing. So, let's look at what I'm not doing.

1. I'm not minding anyone else's business.
2. I'm not pushing people around- controlling and manipulating them.
3. I'm not angry all the time, making others miserable with my yelling.
4. I'm not get frustrated with my mother and brother because they are unable to help me help them.
5. I'm not turning them down when they actually need my help.
6. I'm not distancing myself from them because I'm ashamed of them.
7. I'm not placing blame, guilt or shame on them for things that have gone wrong.
8. I'm not nagging or badgering them to do things that they would rather not do.
9. I'm not pointing out their limitations and making them feel less than a person.
10. I'm not looking at anyone's imperfections.
11. I'm not crying over things that have been left undone.
12. I'm not banging on their door, forcing my way into their life.

In short, I'm allowing them to be themselves. No, they are living the life of Riley but then neither am I. No, they don't have a lot of new things, but then neither do I. It is not that I'm living high on the hog while they do without. They are in better shape than I am.

I refuse to accept the blame for the things that aren't going well in their lives. It isn't my fault. I've made my amends. I've done my part and I will not be bullied. I'd rather not fight with my family members but I will stand up for myself. I've had enough of the blame and being made to feel like I'm a second class citizen. When I was doing the things that they are complaining about I wasn't treated much better. So, why should I bother? Mom and Barry are being taken care of by 7 or 8 people. They are doing fine.

On a brighter note a member of the on-line singles group that I belong to sent me a smilie this morning and asked when we could meet. I don't know. His picture is on there but mine isn't. I could meet him in a public place and see what happens. I could pick him out of a crowd easily enough. His name is Andy. He lives in Lewisburg. I'm just not sure I want to meet someone this way any more. It would be different if I'd been corresponding with him and talked to him on the telephone but to up and meet someone out of the blue after he's read my bio- I don't know. I was willing to risk it last year but I'm not so sure I am this year. I'm not desperate. Last year I felt like I needed to be in a relationship of some kind and I was willing to do whatever it took to be in one. This year, I'm more content with myself and I've resolved a lot of things. I'm in no hurry. I'm not willing to settle for less than what I feel that I deserve any more. Besides this guy admits in his bio that he smokes and drinks. I'm definitely not interested in a smoker or a drinker. I think I'll let this one slide by.

Anthony, Linda's boyfriend, tried to fix me up with some dude he worked with at the Marble plant but I wasn't going for that. The four of us to have a double date. Linda nipped it in the bud pretty quick because she said that she knew that Anthony had an ulterior motive and it would not be pretty. She's got that tough love down pat. It's harder than people realize.

I've been working some more on my "What is Love?" journal. I've printed out most of it. Got to buy some replacement ink. I don't think it's a good gift for anyone even if I take my words out of it. I tried sharing it with three of my friends because I wanted them to see the mysticism teaching in it but no one seemed to get where I was coming from. Too bad. I wanted input. Kenny and I have talked about some of the things since I sent it to him. He told me to look up something called Artist's Way. He seems to think I have real talent and that I should write a book. Me? Write a book? Who'd buy it? No, these are just things I play around with. I record them in journals form so that later I can look back on it and see how far I've come. I took my Don Quixote journal with me Wednesday and let the deacon look at it. He was impressed. I just wanted to show him that I'd been pursuing the same topics as what we had in my RCIA class for two years. We had a great class. I didn't have a lot of questions but I found answers any way.

Hi. I just returned home after spending the weekend with my Al-Anon sister from Sylacagua, Alabama. It was roughly a 4 hour drive through hideous Birmingham traffic. I endured the traffic of people going to and from two college football games. I love football- hate traffic.

My Al-Anon friend is about to undergo two surgeries that she's put off for four years. It's cosmetic to fix some of the things that weren't done properly after a life altering surgery. She's finally worked up enough nerve to do this. She's making out her will in case something goes wrong. Her foster mother is to be the first executrix and I am the second. She thought I could best handle her mentally retarded mother because of my own life experience.

Yesterday I met my friend's new boyfriend. During breakfast and afterward I got to see why she was so gone on him. He's a very nice man- intelligent, handsome, witty, etc. But last night I got to see why she's had to detach herself from him. He came to her apartment drunk and proceeded to sneak beers into her home each time he went out to have a smoke. He got louder and his behavior was more erratic as the night wore on. I witnessed my friend calmly put him out and listened as he went off on her. She apologized to me profusely. I assured her that her alcoholic was actually far less volatile than mine and that I did not hold her accountable for his behavior. But I've got to tell you that I really respect and admire her calm attitude. She didn't bat an eye at him as he yelled obscenities. She just calmly repeated, "It's time for you to go. I want you to leave now." I thought she'd fall apart and I was prepared to have a wet shoulder but she held it together very well.

This morning we went to services at her home church. It was friends and family day. The sermon seemed to come right out of one of our daily readers. It was about unity. I felt blessed to be with my friend. She's helped me through some rough times and I've been there for her. It was nice.

Then the other shoe dropped. I came home to hear that my family was in a disarray. It didn't surprise me really. We've had a full moon. I really do believe that affects behavior. I love my biological family but I've got to tell you that I saw a lot of similarity between mine and Stuart Smalley's. I finally watched "Stuart Saves His Family" this weekend.

I came home to hear from my mother that I was about to be called on the carpet by my aunts and uncles. It seems that they all feel as if I have abandoned my family. The truth is that I finally stopped doing for them things that they could do for themselves. I began actually trying to have a life of my own. Man, the guilt she tried to slap on me. I refused to take it. I've done nothing wrong. I have signed she and my brother up for every service there is available to them. They have a village of people meeting their needs. They aren't without support. I was expected to do what 7 or 8 people are doing and do it alone. Where is the sanity in that? Where is the fairness? I'm expected to take care of two people with disabilities when I'm struggling to keep myself together. I feel that I've done the best I can by them. I can't take care of everyone else if I'm in need of care myself. You know what I mean?

As I got on-line just now and read the shares from this weekend a thought hit me. What is the difference between lamentations and limitations? I finally came up with this in regards to my family and the things I witnessed this weekend. Lamentations is negative. It's when we wallow in our problems and refuse to see the necessity of them. We refuse to ask for help. We are content to be amid chaos, while whining about it. That's how I used to be. Limitations is positive. It's where we acknowledge that we have no power over people, places and things. It's acknowledging that we need help and we become willing to ask for it. One of the songs in the church service this morning talked about being happy for having laid down burdens. I think that's the biggest difference between lamentations and limitations. When my limitations are recognized I lay my burdens down- I let go and let God. When I am lamenting over them, I'm holding on for dear life.

My friend made a comment this weekend about her plate being full. She meant that she had a lot of things that she needed to do before she went into the hospital to have her surgery. But I saw something else. It is not that her plate is full, it is that her cup runneth over. Those errands are blessings because it means that she has a job, she has a place that she belongs, she has friends, etc. She was lamenting over her full plate. When I pointed that out. She quickly began spouting off about her limited amount of time, her limitations. I told her that she needed to delegate, ask for help. It was not that her plate was really full. Her cup ran over with opportunities to connect with so many people and thus get her needs met.

And of course that is the way I choose to look at my family's situation. I will not accept the guilt and shame that others want to put on me. I will not engage in the Blame Game. But, boy, it's hard not to lose my temper when these people come at me. I sure am grateful that I have a program of some sort. It may not be perfect but it will get me through these rough patches.

Anyway, I had a lovely weekend and I was reminded of what brought me into Al-Anon. I was also reminded why I need to keep coming back. I'm content today. I'm happy to have my own cup running over.

Give Me One Reason

As sung by Tracy Chapman

Give me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind
Baby, I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you I called too many times
You can call me, baby, you can call me anytime
But you got to call me

Give me one reason to stay here - and I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

I don't want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I don't want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

Give me one reason to stay here - and I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby, just give me one reason - Give me just one reason why
Baby, just give me one reason - Give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there ain't no more to say




Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Recovery is civil war, but it is a war that can be won.
--Sister Imelda

How often do we hear people say, "Sure, I know it's the right thing to do - but it's easier said than done!'' But "it," whatever "it" is for each of us, is actually easier done than not done. As hard as it is to turn our will and our behavior toward recovery, failing to recover is much harder. Ultimately, any price we pay for recovery is far less than the cost of giving up everything we've gained.

Some of us have a very difficult time making phone calls. Others are scared to death of speaking at meetings, talking to strangers, or admitting that we have feelings. But the alternative has simply been too painful. Whatever we have to do is worth it. The payoff is immense. How many of us, when we did attend that meeting that frightened us, felt an enormous surge of self-confidence and happiness? How often, when we have stood our ground and found it did not kill us, have we felt that we could lick the world? The payoff is that we learn to like ourselves more, and that is as good as it gets.

I will make sure today that I am not forgetting the benefits of recovery and only considering the price of recovery.


Fear rules our lives a lot of the time. I know it certainly has ruled mine. I'm afraid of change, even good change, but it's worth the risk. Sometimes I've taken the risk only to discover that the other person is more afraid than I am. All I can say is that I've done my part. Now it's time for him to do his. I'm not chasing anyone. I will stay still and wait to see what happens. No more e-mails. No more asking about them. No more. I am here if he wants to talk.

My dreams are telling me a lot of weird stuff about this person lately. I'm not so sure I like what I'm seeing. It appears that there is a lot of deception going on. I hate being lied to. My ex was big on leading me down false paths and leaving me hanging. I won't go through that again. Honesty is a good mantra to have. But first it's more important to be honest with self before engaging in a relationship with someone else. Cards on the table. Ask me how I know.

Sometimes recovery means stepping out into the unknown on faith. It is doing it without considering the cost. It is scary to risk the unknown but it has paid off for me time and time again.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly....
--Antoine de Saint Exupery

If we look at the world through suspicious or angry eyes, we'll find a world that mirrors our expectations - a world where tension will mount, arguments will abound, strife will be present where none need be. However, our experiences in some manner bless us, and we'll recognize that if we'll look upon them with gratitude. Everything in our path is meant for our good and we'll see the good when our hearts act as the eyes for our minds.

When we see with our hearts, our responses to the turmoil around us, the fighting children, the traffic snarls, the angry lovers, will be soft acceptance. When our hearts guide the action we can accept those things we cannot change, and change those we can. And the heart, as the seat of all wisdom, will always know the difference.
From Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

There's a lot of truth in this. When I approach situations from the stand point of being different from everyone else, labeling myself, I separate myself from the source. I perceive myself to be less than every one else. When I approach situations from the stand point of unity- that we are created in God's image and thus have God in us- I remember that I am no different than anyone else. When I focus only on my differences I alienate myself from others. Sometimes I have a hard time with this concept. If I'm out of my comfort zone I struggle. It's what Kenny calls an AFGO- Another F----ing Growth Opportunity.

My truck is making a new sound. I have no idea where this one originates from. I know that I need new brakes. The squeaking tells me this. I know I need the front end aligned- the wobbling and weird noise I hear from that tells me this. I know I need new tires because they are bubbling (whatever) because of another sound I can hear. I do not have the money to fix all of these things. Once again I've got to consider just turning this truck back in and using the bike to get from point A to point B. But it will knock me out of going to a few events next month, like maybe the Al-Anon assembly that I wasn't too keen on going to any way and perhaps, Marian and Tom's 50th anniversary. Unless I could get a lift from Susan E. I will not be able to attend. But maybe someone would come get me. Doubtful. I'm not all that important. I could just get them a nice anniversary gift and send it through someone else. I've got a few weeks to worry about that. Not going to worry about it right now. I've got other fish to fry.

Going to Sylacagua, AL this weekend. At least I hope I make it there. Linda is going to help me get a flyer put together advertising my genealogy research as a possible source of income. She's also going to help me come up with a game plan for these bills that I'm getting further and further behind on. I'm so glad that she and I are friends. I need some help. Not many are willing to help me with anything.

This song came on the radio this morning as I was going to work. It spoke to me and so I will put it in my "What is Love?" journal that I've been working on and I place it here.

I Can't Make You Love Me

As sung by Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I thought some more about why I was so uncomfortable at the funeral home on Monday. Once again ACIM nailed it. I had perceived myself as separate, different. That cut me off from the love supply. Then in walked 3 AA women who are the opposite of me in physical appearance. I perceive them to be judgmental because of this. It always makes me feel very ugly when they are together. I can deal with them one on one but when they are together I feel like I'm being discriminated against. I'd been praying for someone to talk to me and in walks someone who has been telling me for some time that I don't accept people as they are. Which in turn shows that he doesn't fully accept me as I am. And yet he does. I don't understand how that works but Kenny is right. The paradox was my mirror.

Scratch all of that. I see some truth in it but as I talked to the deacon today, I realized something else. My discomfort comes from my distorted image of myself in comparison to others. I separate myself by calling as much attention to my differences, maybe more so, than others do. I label myself. The deacon and I talked about my how I felt after visitation. He planted a new thought for me to think about. Funerals are not for the dead. They are for the living. He believes everyone in attendance at visitation or the actual funeral walks away with something. It could be closure. It could be reflection. It could be a number of things. I'm not really sure what it was intended for me to get out of it. I do know that I've come to see things a little differently.

I see that I got a lot of food for thought out of the conversation that I had with Mike. I heard myself say that I wanted to change my home group. I remembered two conversations that I had with Judy and Kenny over the course of the last few months. Judy said that perhaps I'd outgrown Al-Anon, that maybe it's not meant to be a life time pursuit for me. Kenny resounded that same theme, but he added that it might not be that I'd outgrown it but that I needed to reach beyond what I have here.

Linda and I talked about that at length Monday night. She pointed out that my support system has changed radically and had in some ways expanded. I have an on-line group that is awesome! I love the topics and the shares. This group of people challenges me to think and they offer unlimited love and support. I'm grateful to them for helping lift me up. I have telephone meetings almost every night with someone in recovery. I give and receive love. Then I have ACIM. I have a mentor in that, a daily reflection to think about and a study partner named Kenny. I have an individual therapist. I get to reason things out with her and because she is in the field of mental health I get some validation that I am not crazy, that I'm intuitive, empathetic and perceptive. I have my RCIA class with the deacon where I get to further explore my spiritual side. I feel blessed. So, it's not necessary that I change home groups or even become responsible for their growth. My responsibility is to myself.

As to whom God sent as an answer to my prayer for someone to talk to, I have no answer to the why of that but I'm glad it happened. I've actually missed Mike. I don't want to change him. I want what he has- serenity and courage. If I changed him in any way he'd cease to be the person I've grown to respect and love. I want him to stay just as he is right now. It is me that I want to see the greatest changes in. I want to grow beyond what I have been told to believe and be. I want to become what God wants me to be. I am grateful that He led or placed such awesome people in my life. I am doubly blessed.

I even feel blessed to have the child with the multiple personalities. He's teaching me as much about faith as anyone else could have. And I'm grateful for Marian. Linda's right. She's not serving as my Al-Anon sponsor as much as she's serving as my stand in mother figure. That's what I really need right now because I feel like I'm losing my own mother. And Kenny is really becoming my stand in brother or the brother I never had. He calls me on my stuff but he does it in a very loving way. He encourages me and gives me hope. I love him dearly. And Linda is the sister I never had. Yes, my family is changing and expanding. I feel loved.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The only limits to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with a strong and active faith.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

When following the inner voice, one must deal with the experience of uncertainty. The future is not laid out and comes down to trust - trusting that the support will be there; that the money will come; that if one path does not work out, another one will open up.

We can develop this trust from experience. We step out in faith the first time, and the Universe supports us. We step out again and the assistance is there. After several experiences, we begin to feel comfortable living by faith - our "invisible means of support." We no longer need to know ahead of time how everything will work out.

So make the decision. Let go of the worry, the anxiety, and the doubt. Have faith in your connection to universal principles, for it is here that your true security lies. The Universe will not abandon you if you maintain your connection to it. Keep the faith, and the faith will keep you.

This is from Listening to Your Inner Voice by Doug Bloch


It seemed appropriate that I got this this morning. I also got a forward from an Oklahoma cousin called the Butterfly and the Flower that spoke about God answering out prayers. Seems like He's talking to me today. I hate to have doubts but it's hard not to when my instincts tell me one thing and I'm told that I'm wrong. It's just better not to even rely on what my instincts tell me. But I have a very funny feeling that I'm about to hear that I've been right.

I've been looking at the lesson I have for tomorrow's RCIA class with Deacon Mike. It's right up my alley. It's all the stuff I was working on with Thomas Merton's readings and my What is Love journal. I think I'm going to enjoy tomorrow's discussion. I'm afraid that the deacon won't know what hit him. I think he underestimates me sometimes. I've been a Bible scholar for some time now. It's the Catholic Bible I'm not so well versed in. I bought one last year when I was working on Jane's Angel book for Christmas. I found that there were a few translation differences between it and my New King James Version. But I like the commentary in it.

Kenny got back with me late last night. The only thing is that he did not explain men to me. He explained me to me. He pretty much summed up what I was afraid of- that I was once again looking into my mirror. He gave me some encouragement though and told me not to give up with my ACIM work. I'm getting the hang of a lot of what it teaches. I really am. It's hard not to analyze people though when you're confused and insecure. But with Kenny's help I got the focus back on myself. What would I do without him? Maybe I should move to Oregon and help him open his B & B. Nah. I'd still be taking insecure me with me. Besides, I kind of like talking to someone that doesn't know me. What does his opinion of me matter? We'll probably never meet each other and that's okay with me. I still think he's a peach and I love him.

It's been a long day today. My wild child was a handful and got on my nerves severely. I had to go in search of chocolate. Didn't find any but I did find something with sugar. Had to have it. It was either that or take up drinking. Ha! My patience ended pretty quickly today because I could not talk him down from his high. I heard 4 different personalities today and the intensity of one kind of scared me. I'm afraid this kid is going to blow one day and I won't be able to protect all 3 of my wheel chair bound children. That's why we pretty much try to keep them as far away from him as possible. The sad thing is that when I have to deal with Quedarrius, I don't have time to spend with my other kids. It frustrates me.

I just got off the phone with Linda. Love her, love her, love her! I think I'll adopt her. Oh, that's right. I already have. Giggle. I love hearing about Anthony, the idiot. I talked to her about what I was feeling and gained some clarity. She told me that it was all about acceptance. God answered my prayer. I should not analyze it. I should just accept it as it is. Besides, in the back of my mind I had known that the paradox would show up at the funeral home. I just never expected him to show up while I was there and I certainly never expected him to sit with me and talk. I also talked to her about the whole recovery thing. I may not have to seek out another Al-Anon group. I have my telephone meetings, my on-line meetings, my therapy sessions and my spiritual sessions with the deacon. I'm getting a lot of recovery without having the benefit of a healthy home group. Besides I can't change any of them. I have a study partner like I wanted. He lives in Oregon. I have a sponsee that reaches out when she needs help- I actually have 2, Rena and Elyce. I also have three back up people to talk to when I can't talk to my sponsor- Linda, the new therapist and the deacon. I'm pretty well set. Linda doesn't see where I might need something else. I think she's right.

I feel like I won several victories yesterday. I was able to be a little more assertive with those in my recovery community and that felt good. It's better to get it off my chest than to let it fester and form a resentment.

I have a lot of things to be grateful for today.

A- Autumn
B- Bike, Back pack
C- Cats, computer, clean apartment, cable
D- Deacon Mike
E- E-mail, Elyce
F- Faith
G- Gas ( I filled up last Monday and I still have gas in my truck)
H- Harold Brown, Helmet
I- Internet
J- Joe Taylor, Jerry (because he knew where I was coming from yesterday in the district meeting)
K- Kenny
L- Linda
M- Marian
N- Novelty
O- October
P- Patty
Q- Quiet
R- Ruby, Rain
S- Susan
T- Truck
U- Umbrellas
V- Violets, Violins
W- Walking
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zoos


I just came from the funeral home. I sat there for over an hour, waiting on Marian or Susan to show up. I was highly uncomfortable because the only people I knew are Jane and Carl. I was sitting there in prayer for someone, anyone to show up for me to talk to. In walks two AA ladies (one I know pretty well) but they pass me by and keep walking. Then here he comes. I haven't actually seen him since February. I've exchanged a few e-mails, mostly him telling me how judgmental I am. Of all the people to show up for me to talk to. But I was grateful to have the chance to talk to him. I just suck at chit chat. God, he smelled so good. He's actually got blue eyes. All this time I've thought that they were brown. But then I've never gotten that close to him to look into his eyes before. Why of all people did God send him as the answer to my prayer? Why did he have to be so nice? I didn't think he liked me one way or another. His e-mails suggested that he didn't.

I had a lot of feelings to deal with on the way home. Since I've been home I've e-mailed Kenny. I'm hoping he responds because maybe he can give me some clarity. Sometimes it hurts to have feelings one way or another for people. It hurts to let people get close because of that fear of being hurt. Friendships have gone sour in the last few months and those wounds have not healed yet. The old feelings from my marriage have disappeared altogether and I am grateful for that.

I also checked my e-mail from the on-line Al-Anon group. The topic this week is willingness. Here's my share:

For some reason when I read the shares that have been posted so far the movie, Field of Dreams popped into my head. That phrase, "Go the distance" came to me. Remember the story line? This guy hears a mysterious voice tell him, "If you build it, he will come." And he plows his corn field under. He takes his complete life savings and builds a baseball diamond with the stadium lights. Why? Because a voice told him to. He drives to Chicago to kidnap a famous writer from the 60's. Why? Because his instincts, his intuition, led him to do this. They go to a baseball game and a message flashes on the bill board. He suddenly needs to leave the game to pursue that. Why? Because he is following this same synchronistic energy. I could go on and on.

I watched this movie last week. Every time I see it I think of another movie- Children of the Corn. "He wants you too, Malachi." I'm showing my age I guess. But it occurred to me just now that the lead character showed a willingness to pursue something that began with a mysterious voice telling him to build something. He was willing to put himself out there and be thought of as crazy. He was willing to spend his life savings to pursue something that seemed totally far fetched and yet, he found peace in doing it.

Maybe willingness has to do with throwing away skepticism and pursuing the crazy things our Higher Power tells us to do. I have experienced that myself. My inner voice has sent me to some unusual places and I've done some things that were completely out of character for me. I pursued it because I was intrigued with what the outcome would be. It always unfolds naturally. It is never forced when I do this. My faith always seems to be increased. My serenity multiplies.

It makes me think also about how we live our lives in a fantasy, an illusion of our own making, and as we let go of what we've told ourselves, we suddenly have clarity. Maybe willingness also has something to do with allowing ourselves to become empty so that our Higher Power can fill us up with love, peace, courage, wisdom, etc. Maybe in making amends to ourselves we become teachable again. Maybe being willing to do that makes us teachable.

I don't know. My mind just seemed to wrap around all of that and I went with it. It probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. I guess I'm waxing philosophical because I just left a funeral home and had to deal with some things as I sat in visitation. Hope I didn't offend any one.

Boy, am I glad that I exercised that cleaning bug last week. Marian joined me for church and then followed me back here so that I could pick up my covered dish for the district meeting. My house wasn't completely spotless but it was clean. I had nothing to be ashamed of. It must have met with her approval because she spoke of possibly spending the night here when we have to go to Nashville for part of my confirmation.

Marian met my two adopted men from church. Mr. Brown and Mr. Taylor have both taken me under their wing. It's good to have a father figure again although I do have that in George. Speaking of George, I've got to remember to tell him I won't be able to work at the library next week. I'm going to Sylacagua to visit my BFF, Linda. I'm signing on as one of her executrix for the will that she's preparing before she has her two surgeries. She figured I'd be the best bet to deal with her mentally retarded mother as I work with physically and mentally disabled children.

The district meeting went well. I am so, so thankful for Linda's prayers. She knew I wanted to be assertive in the meeting and we prayed about that. I spoke up about the group discussion from April where there was talk of the group having a room for assembly versus paying for me to attend. I asked about group rates and the possibility of having waited too late to get a room with that rate. I spoke about how I always paid my share when I attended the assembly as an onlooker versus a GR. Lois was in attendance and heard what I had to say plus my questions. Maybe that will take care of the group business meeting tonight. I also spoke up about how everyone of the district members except me have the opportunity to miss district meetings. I can't miss because I'm the only one with a key to the building. I spoke up about how unfair I thought that was. God forbid I miss because I'm sick or someone in my family passes away. No one would be able to get into the building. How dare I be human! It's just something that everyone should think about.

I'm a little amused by Jerry's antics involving Marian and her husband. He has met or seen Tom just a hand full of times and thinks he knows him. Ha! But she has invited the whole district to attend their 50th wedding anniversary. This should be interesting to say the least.

Tomorrow night I'll be going to Loretto to the funeral home. Jane's mother-in-law passed away. I knew it was just a matter of time from the way she was talking Tuesday night. I can go for visitation but I can't take off for the actual funeral. I'll see Marian again then. I forgot to ask about flowers. I figure we'll be sending some.

Several people were surprised to see my new short hair style. Marian said it would take some getting used to because she's never seen me with hair this short.

Put Your Hand in the Hand

As sung by Elvis

Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you can look at others differently
Put your hand in the hand of the man
From Galilee

My momma taught me how to pray
Before I reached the age of seven
When I’m down on my knees
That's when I’m closest to heaven
Daddy lived his life, two kids and a wife
Well you do what you must do
But he showed me enough of what it takes
To get me through, oh yeah!

Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you can look at others differently
Put your hand in the hand of the man
From Galilee
Oh yeah!

Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you can look at others differently
Put your hand in the hand of the man
From Galilee
Oh yeah!

Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you can look at others differently
Put your hand in the hand of the man
From Galilee
Oh yeah!
Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee
Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee, Oh yeah!


That part of the song that says, "Take a look at yourself and you can look at others differently..." was echoing in my head just now. I couldn't remember any other part of the song so I plugged that into the search engine and that's how I found the lyrics. It speaks volumes to me this afternoon. I just turn my head just a little and I spy my perpetual calendar. Today's reading says,

"Be good to yourself,
and yourself will be
good to others."

Sort of fits the song. Don't you agree?

I looked in the mirror a little while ago and saw my brother. I got my hair cut this morning because it was getting caught up in the velcro of my sleep mask. Got to be able to sleep through the night. Pulling hair out of velcro is not a good way to start the morning. I hate having sleep apnea! Anway, I noticed how much my brother and I resemble each other as we're getting older. Only difference is I have olive skin and he is fair. I have dark hair and he is blond. I have blue eyes and he has hazel. Other than that, spitting image. But you know what? I could say that about everyone in the world. We each have different skin tones, hair and eye color. But deep down we're all the same.

I Love You Just the Way You Are

As sung by Billy Joel

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore

I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.


I woke up this morning thinking about how today would go. The major fund raiser- Hoop Shoots was today. I knew I needed to get my students, especially the wheel chair bound ones, into the gym where all the action was taking place if at all possible. I needed to find settings for them where they were actually interacting with their peers. Only three of my children were in attendance today. All three got to participate although it was touch and go for the kid with multiple personalities. He was hell bent on keeping up a commotion. It's beginning to get hard to empathize with him.

After work I went to pay some on my bill with Dr. Brann but the office was closed. Kind of weird, don't you think? From there I went to Wal-Mart. I went ahead and purchased a bike. I also bought a helmet and a basket for the front of it. I have no idea what's going to happen with my transportation. It seems to be most practical for me to let the white truck go and have the black one towed back here. The money that goes on the truck payment every month could go toward the IRS and Gibson's. I could look for someone among the recovery community to look at the black truck. It may not be as far gone as I've been led to believe.

Not sure why my sponsor has stopped e-mailing me. I wonder if she's judging me over the financial situation involving my mother. I have paid Mom back a third of what I owe her. The rest of my amends is coming from the case workers. Just this last week Mom got a new refrigerator, a new (used) living room suit and her front porch redone. There's talk of the bathroom being worked on. Those are things I would have done if I'd been able. So, even though monetarily I wasn't able to pay her back I was able to pay her back with services. She's got a host of people helping to make her life better and that came as a result of signing her up with the case workers. Those people have far more resources than I ever did. I think I can finally put the guilt behind me.

Oh, the song was playing on the radio when I got into my truck to run a quick errand before school this morning. It seemed to speak to me about acceptance of myself and others. So, I put on today's entry. Hope you like it.

As you choose
your thoughts today,
remember,
what you feed grows.


It's just another way of expressing the Law of Attraction. What you send out is what you will get back.

This morning I got up thinking about several things. The first thing I thought of is that I really wanted an hour more to sleep. I took Tylenol PM last night because my legs ached from wrestling with that child yesterday but it didn't take affect until almost one o'clock this morning. So I have the medicine head this morning.

The second thing I thought of was what today held for me. I've got a lot of paper work to catch up on at school. If I have to wrestle with anyone today I won't get any of it done. So, might have to stay after school. Bummer!

Then I began to worry over whether my classroom had been used for that after school program. I'd been warned about those kids coming into classrooms and stealing things. I spent a lot of my own money on some of those things in there or begged for some of them. I will be madder than a wet hen if those things come up missing or are torn up. My kids have been given the short end of the stick in life. They are disabled in one form or another. That automatically excludes them from a lot of activities. They've been over looked when it comes to materials and equipment, too. I've made a lot of materials or improvised with what I purchased so that they'd have something. If it gets taken or torn up that will be the last straw for me. I will make my voice heard loud and clear. I realize some of that is ego talking but it's also about defending the underdog.

I also thought about my recovery group and my decision to leave it. I will step down as GR officially on Sunday. I thought if we got someone willing to be the alternate, I'd be okay with it, but she doesn't attend enough for it to benefit me. All of my character defects and issues have risen to the surface since I took on the position. I can't do it any more. I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not an extrovert. I am an introvert. It takes so much out of me to put myself out there. No one seems to believe that. I've balked at those who want to keep pulling me out into the open. They don't accept me as I am. They want to make me into something I've not. Then there are those who cash in on my super responsible genetic makeup. That made me even sicker. I came into this program sick because I felt responsible for Joey's life. I took on the responsibility and, in turn, took on the blame for things when his life wasn't going well. That's what's happened with me in this group. I can't do it any more. Then there are those people who want to offer constructive criticism. They don't take me aside privately or with one or two people. No, they wait until there is a group to publically ridicule me. Suddenly, I feel as if I'm being faced by a lynch mob. I think that's very wrong. Finally, I've been faced with people who privately say and do things designed to manipulate me or cause me to feel a certain way. When I react or respond, they suddenly back off and act as if they have had no part in it. They deny any knowledge of their actions or tell others that I am crazy. That is equally wrong. What I've noticed so often is that when people in the recovery community make amends they do not apologize or acknowledge what they have done, they simply change their behavior. That may seem like the best route to take but it isn't always. Because no one apologizes or acknowledges what they've done, I'm left to feel that I am crazy when they change their behavior. So they really haven't made an amends, they've only made matters worse.

Autumn is my favorite time of the year. I like the auburn, bright orange, red and yellow leaves. I love the smell of pumpkin spices and apple cider. This year has been a little dry. There won't be nearly as many colorful trees but I have seen a few. Mostly I see a lot of dead, brown leaves.

The kids and I painted a pumpkin patch on our windows on Monday. Today we made ginger bread men cookies. My child with multiple personalities loves ginger bread men. He kept it together in order to earn the priviledge of making them but he didn't seem to understand what it took to make the dough. He flipped out because he couldn't go straight to rolling it out and using the cookie cutter. Once the dough was made he rejoined us. He seemed to have a ball with that but after lunch he snapped again and I had to restrain him to his chair. I don't really understand what's going on with him. I really think he needs a medical evaluation. He's one step away from blowing a gasket.

I went to a meeting last night. I'm going to see if I can find some recovery buddy to sit down with me and help me decide my next action. I want to get caught up on as many bills as I can but I've got some decisions to make. I hate dealing with financial matters!

Gratitude list

A- Awakenings, Anthony, antidepressants
B- Betty, Beverley
C- Cats (however annoying they may be, chocolate, clean clothes, computers
D- Diet Dr. Pepper, Downy
E- Elaine S., e-mail
F- Faith, finger paint
G- God, ginger bread man cookies
H- Health, heart, hope
I- Internet
J- Jennifer, Jane (surprise, surprise! She finally showed her humanity., Judith
K- Kristopher, Kenny
L- Linda (my bff for life, laundry mats
M- Memos to remind me of things I forget
N- Nosy neighbors
O- Oranges
P- Pennies, principals who thank you for a job well done, PTO
Q- Quedarrius (all 6 of his personalities came out today)
R- Roosevelt Whitfield, rain (I hope we get some)
S- Serenity, sanity, security, Stepahnie (she made me a CD with some music for our Adaptive P. E.)
T- Taylor (the drama queen behaved today, bless her pea picking heart, transportation
U- Unity
V- Vicki
W- Water
X- Xena (she's on every day at 6 a.m.)
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (rest is a priority, snoring is an option)

It's been an interesting 24 hours. Yesterday I was freaking out over finances. I had to go on-line for some ESH. I've had an opportunity to do some soul searching. I can't believe how much I've changed.

When I was in the middle of that insanity with my alcoholic I worked as many as three jobs at one time. One year I earned nearly $75,000 and had nothing to show for it. It all went to trying to pay my mother back, take care of his father, finance his habit (I assume) and try to keep the bills paid. I was a nervous wreck. I was not reliable. I pretty much took advantage of my mother and brother. I rolled right over them. The things I said and did were unkind. I was not a nice person to be around. I was angry all the time.

In those days I could multi-task with the best of them. I worked myself to death and had nothing to show for it. When I look back on those days I am amazed that I had that much energy.

Last night I beat up on myself pretty badly. I remembered every unkind thing anyone had ever said to me. I remembered the utter humilitation and all the times I didn't fit in. I recalled the names I was called and every vicious word that came to my ears. Last night I magnified it until I was reduced to tears. My self-hate tapes were playing pretty loudly when my best friend called. I am so grateful that Linda called when she did. I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't called. I am eternally grateful to her.

Today was a better day. I shared my anxiety with the on-line group and one of the members e-mailed me back. It seems she could identify with what I had to say. She gave me a lot of love and encouragement. I am grateful to her, too.

At school today I would up wrestling with my child with the multiple personalities for an hour and a half. It was pretty bad. I managed to restrain him in his chair and kept him from biting, hitting and scratching me. I don't know what happened in his home last night but it was pretty bad. He was not lashing out at me, he was trying to let off steam and I knew it. It made it a lot easier for me to detach from what was going on. Whatever happened involved a male because he was afraid to go to the bathroom with our male assistant. He begged me to stay with him. I stayed with him until I had to go take one of my wheel chair bound students out of all his braces and his walker. I thought he had calmed down after his speech time but he wound up attacking the substitute assistant and calling the art teacher a bitch. I had to remove him from the art room.

I wound up wrestling with my drama queen today, too. The little girl with Down's Syndrome apparently felt that I was not giving her enough attention so toward the end of the day she decided that she loved me to death and I do mean to death. I was virtually attacked. I had to ward her off a few times and she wound up on the floor. By the time I got to the faculty meeting today I felt that I had more than earned my paycheck and I really missed Jennifer. I hope she's back tomorrow. If the kids can keep it together with their behavior, we're going to make gingerbread man cookies. I've got all the ingredients there in the classroom.

One of the wheelchair bound children will be out tomorrow so we will be down to three kids. That should make things run smoother.

Today during the faculty meeting I learned of an extended contract that is available at the school. It would be doing remedial teaching of Science and Social Studies after school. After 35 hours I could earn $700. I'm going to pray about it and I may apply for it tomorrow morning with the principal. The money would help out a lot.

Tonight I intend to go to an Al-Anon meeting in Lawrenceburg. I'll be leaving in about an hour. I need to stop off at Wal-Mart to look at their plants. A few of my plants in the terrarium are biting the dust.

I was supposed to do laundry after work today but I'm putting it off until tomorrow. Thankfully, I still have clean clothes to choose from.

The two meetings that were scheduled for today went pretty well. I think I surprised my superiors with how professional I could conduct myself. The meeting with that parent that always wants to scream, "Lawsuit!" went the best. There were no major problems. I sat between the two loose cannons. The speech teacher, whom I was once the mentor for, asked me to punch her if she said anything objectionable. The regular ed teacher, who has such a huge resentment against the mother for how badly she has treated everyone, was calm, cool, and collected. I was proud of all of us. The second meeting went on as scheduled without the parent present, per her request. I'm wiped out mentally but I'm feeling pretty good about work.

Finances are my major concern right now. I really need someone to sit down with me to figure things out. I'm caught up in some things but still behind in others. It's not looking rosy to me. You know what I mean?

It's not as important
to have all the answers
as it is to contemplate
the questions.

This is what the calendar says this morning. Kind of ironic given that it follows yesterday's entry. This is also the train of thought that Linda and I discussed last night.

For some reason a stanza of song from Man of La Mancha has popped into my head.

I am I, Don Quixote
Lord of La Mancha
My destiny calls, and I go!
And the wild winds of fortune
Shall carry me onward- to whither so ever they blow
Whither so ever they blow
Onward to glory I go!

Now, what that has to do with all that I've been thinking about, I have no idea. Perhaps it means that I am on the right path and that I should keep moving forward.

Peel away,
layer by layer,
your hardened shell
of beliefs, attitudes and opinions
not your own.
Let the truth of you
come forth and bloom.

This is what my calendar says today. I'm not sure I know my truth. I was a human chameleon for so long that I just naturally took on the beliefs, attitudes and opinions of those around me. I'm still peeling my onion.

Who am I? Why am I here? It seems like I've spent my entire life trying to answer those two questions. I also spent a huge amount of time hating who I was and wanting to be someone else.

I guess I'm at the leg of my journey where answers are beginning to come. I had to get still enough to hear my Higher Power's voice and become willing to accept His guidance, His will and not my own. That is monumental in itself.

You know how you plan things and they fall apart? I think Linda's plan of our going to Montgomery together for the area assembly just bit the dust. I had thought for some time it would. My inner voice was talking to me a lot yesterday. It said that I was not going to Montgomery because I would be needed for something here. Not sure what's coming but it's going to be quiet and monumental. I feel sure of it.

Kenny called yesterday morning very early and we talked for about an hour. If I could get to Oregon at the end of this month, I'd go to his pot luck party. I have a feeling that we are going to meet eventually. We've got too much in common. I think I may have an adopted brother here. I'm eternally grateful that he came along when he did. I was at the end of my rope this summer and he was one of those who kept me trudging along. I feel like I owe him something for that. One good thing came out of being send a flier with directions to his house. I now have his address. I can send him a Halloween card.

I'm surprised that Joey hasn't written back after I wrote to him. Maybe he's finally got the picture of how much I've changed. Hopefully it's not the start of another war between us. I hate being at odds with anyone, especially him. He can be quite cruel when he gets angry. But I have options. I can end the letter writing with the last one I sent. I have no obligation to continue writing to him.

I've missed every meeting my home group has had this week. I just haven't felt like going. I got one in on Monday in Lawrenceburg, I had a therapy session on Tuesday at Centerstone, I was in RCIA class with the deacon on Wednesday and I've been in contact with various ones in my on-line group including the phone conversation with Kenny. I think I've had some pretty beneficial meetings. I don't feel slighted at all.

Cain's Blood

As sung by 4 Runner

Chorus:
Half of my blood is Cain's blood
Half of my blood is Abel's
One eye looks to Heaven
One eye looks for trouble

Sweet mother, she sang in the Sunday choir
On her head was a halo, she spoke brimstone and fire
Daddy lived by the bottle, Daddy died by the barn
Well, he froze one night, Mama said "Serves him right"
"The devil can keep him warm"

(Repeat Chorus)

Guess I always saw myself as a simple man
But there's a man in the mirror I don't understand
Every day I fight it, but I know down deep
It's the secrets I've been keeping
Rising from their sleep

(Repeat Chorus)

There's an angel and a devil playing tug of war with my soul
The battle rages on each and every day
It's all I can do just to try to maintain control
My one and only hope is get on my knees and pray

(Repeat Chorus)


I don't know why, but this song just popped into my head today. It may have something to do with the episode of the Charmed One's that I was watching. At any rate, I like the words. Sure hope good prevails.

You live, you learn. What more could you want?

Yesterday the new therapist pretty much told me that I am too intelligent for my own good. Intelligent? Me? I was one of the worst students that ever graced a classroom. I didn't really excel at anything until I got into college. Sink or swim! That's pretty much how I saw it. It goes to show you how differently I see myself from the way others see me. Or as Marian said yesterday, I doubt my own competency.

Melanie, that's the new therapist, actually said that all those things I did at the beginning of the year- looking for a church home, the swimming, the signing Mom and Barry up for services, etc.- was my survival skills working. I saw something about to happen and prepared for it. She commended me for it. She also commended me in my decisions with my ex-husband and love life. I'm not looking for love. I am loved. If someone comes along that's fine, but it's just not necessary.

Due to my mother hen complex she doesn't think I would benefit from group therapy. She thinks I'd revert back to the enabler. Due to my past history she thinks my therapy sessions ought to be all about me. I get to decide what we do in these sessions. I asked for homework and she gave me worksheets on assertiveness. She thinks I need to keep downsizing all the responsibility I've taken on or had thrust on me over the years. I need to practice saying, "No" more often. I've also been given the assignment once again to expand my support system.

Today I learned that I will have to go through baptism for the conversion to Catholicism because the Catholic Church does not recognize the Church of Christ. I'm okay with being rebaptized. It's basically a new start for me. I learned that I don't necessarily need a saint but I want one. I want St. Rita. I've thought about it and I think I have the most to gain from selecting her.

The divorce issue was a big part of the discussion today. Deacon Mike doesn't think that I need to worry about it. Given what I've told him, he doesn't think it will impede me at all. Because our marriage was not considered sacramental, it's pretty much null and void without me seeking an annullment.

I really don't what I want out of life. I think I'd like to get back on an even keel financially. I've given that a lot of thought. It's going to be difficult but I think I can do it with God's help. I would like to have at least one friend to do things with. I'd like to be able to sit with my family in Mom's house without hypervenilating. I'd like to feel like I'm making a difference in my job. I want to be a part of something special. Don't know what that might be but I want to make a contribution. More than anything I want a sense of belonging. I've never felt like I fit in any where.

I haven't done anything today except exist. Well, that's not entirely true. I did clean a little. I also took care of that query that George gave me a week ago. It's kind of new to learn to just be. I'm so used to doing something all the time. I'm learning to relax and let my hair down. This may not seem like an improvement but believe me, it is.

Today celebrate the uniqueness
of other people,
applaud their diversity,
and simply enjoy knowing them.

This is what my perpetual calendar says today. How appropriate with what I was thinking when I got up this morning! I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to know Diane F. from the Monday morning group. She is unique. I also love Kenny for his difference. His perspective on things challenges me to think. I appreciate Joe and his sense of humor. He's not afraid to be himself. I celebrate Clara and her way of expressing herself in our meetings. I applaud my student Quedarrius for his artistic talent and his ability to create out of simple objects. I recognize my own uniqueness and "I celebrate myself" as Walt Whitman would say.

That's What I Like About You

As sung by The Romantics

HEY! UH HUH! HEY! UH HUH!

What I like about you, you hold me tight,
Tell me I'm the only one, wanna come over tonight.
(Ah Ah) Keep on whisperin' in my ear,
(Ah Ah) Tell me all the things that I want to hear, cause that's true.
That's what I like about you.

What I like about you, you really know how to dance.
When you go up down, jump around, think about true romance...Yeah.
(Ah Ah) Keep on whisperin' in my ear,
(Ah Ah) Tell me all the things that I want to hear, cause that's true.
That's what I like about you,
That's what I like about you,
That's what I like about you...Wow!!!!!

(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

Hey!!!

What I like about you, you really keep me warm at night,
Never wanna let you go, know you make me feel alright.
(Ah Ah) Keep on whisperin' in my ear,
(Ah Ah) Tell me all the things that I want to hear, cause that's true.
That's what I like about you.
That's what I like about you.
That's what I like about you.
That's what I like about you. (Whispered)
That's what I like about you.
That's what I like about you.

Hey!!!

Yahoo! Marian agreed to be my sponsor for my RCIA class!

I've been looking up saints. I'm told I have to have one. I think I've narrowed it down to four- St. Rita, St. Juliana of Norwich, St. Gertude of Nivelles and St. Helena. I'm leaning toward St. Helena. If they tell me I have to have a male saint then I'm going for John of the Cross.

I have reasons for the four I'm looking at. Rita is the patron saint of impossible causes and my great grandmother Chapman was named Reda. Juliana of Norwich was a mystic and I like her famous statement, "All is well and all shall be well." Gertrude was my great grandmother Chapman's middle name. And she's the patron saint of cats, insanity and mental illness among other things. But Helena is a keeper. Her name means "light". She's the patron saint of divorced people, victims of adultry and converts.

John of the Cross is the patron saint of mystical theology among other things.

I've had a good day today. Nothing constructive accomplished. I haven't worked on any household chores, school chores, mother's errands, etc. I've just met with Al-Anon folk and been reading my RCIA literature. Oh, and I've been researching the saints.

I keep getting these annoying e-mails about my secret lover being out there looking for me. Geez. Why remain a secret? It's funny because I was telling my sponsor over lunch that I finally know what I want in a relationship. If I have the opportunity to hook up with someone I'd like someone who has similiar interests to mine- similiar tastes in music, art, poetry, etc. I'd like to be with someone on the same intellectual playing field or smarter- a challenge. I'd like to be with someone who has a dry sense of humor to match mine. I'd also like to be involved with someone who has a good sense of self. I don't want to have to rescue or mother anyone. I could care less about looks. I'm looking at the inside. I want someone who is kind and gentle but also strong and humble. Money doesn't really matter. But I'd like them to be able to hold their own or at least go dutch with me.

I am definitely a work in progress, and a comical one at that. Yesterday when I began to rearrange furniture I would have to pause every 30 minutes or so to answer the telephone.

The first 2 phone calls were from Linda, who is definitely going through some kind of melt down. Her break up with Anthony has been harder than she thought it would. Detaching with love always is. Then Mom called for me to run an errand. The fourth phone call was from Elyce who is so pissed off at the world that she's striking out at everyone, including me. I didn't take it personal- I've been in her spot before.

When I finally got back to moving my furniture I managed to get myself backed into a corner. I wound up trapped in this room where the computer is and the telephone was in the living room. It was like the ultimate metaphor on my life. I couldn't move the dresser forward without force and that tore up carpet. I couldn't go backward without hitting a wall or getting stuck in that other room. I was forced to ask for help and wait.

I e-mailed for help but as my luck would have it, no one was on-line at that time. I worked at moving the dresser from the door and finally managed to work my way back into the living room. I wasn't particularly dressed to receive company, especially male company, as I had dressed for comfort. The only male I could think to call who wouldn't think I was hitting on him was Mac. It surprised me when he not only came bearing a back brace but moved the two items without much help from me.

I have missed talking to Mac. Since it was he that imposed this silence I think it ought to be he who lifts it. I have done my part. But the bottom line is that I've lost all trust in him. And his flair for the dramatic is no longer funny to me. I do not miss the chaos. I also do not miss the holier than thou attitude. He is a spiritual person, I will give him that, but for him to believe that he is somehow more spiritual than others is wrong. He could not possibly know what other people's relationship with their Higher Power is. What I miss is the person who used to do things with me and liked to talk on the telephone as much as I do. Mac was one of my best friend and brother. Yesterday when he came over he seemed like a stranger to me. I don't know if it is because I have changed, or he has changed, or a little of both. It just felt weird. I no longer feel close to him or able to confide in him.

I've had a lot of synchronistic moments today. I was flipping through channels this morning and the oddest thing happened. I wound up on a food channel and the dish they were preparing was one that I know is a favorite to a recovery buddy of mine. Since I'd never heard of the dish until I learned he liked it, it kind of freaked me out. I dismissed it because I decided to let go of any hope of he and I being friends. He does not trust me and I have never know what he wanted from me. I feel a connection to him on a lot of levels but ultimately the guard is up. I can not go into anything that remotely resembles what I had with Joey. I want all cards on the table or I won't go at all.

Then on the other hand here I am corresponding with my ex-husband again and confiding some things to him that I would not tell another living soul for fear of being judged. I don't trust Joey as far as I can throw him and I have no desire to rekindle a relationship but I was in need of someone to talk to. What I had to say I could not tell my sista, Linda, due to her occupation. I had to tell someone what was worrying me without being afraid that it would be told all over the place and so Joey was my pick. Know what? He supported me and totally understood where I was coming from. I don't trust that but it was certainly good to hear.

See the thing is that I put all my eggs in one basket when I got married. When he was paroled from prison and I saw the chaos coming, I begged him to leave before I got seriously hurt. He assured me that he was in it for the long haul, that I was who he wanted to be with. Then came the drugs and alcohol. And suddenly I was nothing but a piece of dirt. I can forgive but I won't forget. I'd have to see a huge turn around in him before I'd go back into that. It was not the many affairs he had, with men and women, although that certainly hurt. It was the degradation and the rejection. The feeling of being used and then thrown away. It was also the insanity and the suicidal roller coaster that I was on while he was in the picture.

Mac accuses me of putting a recovery buddy in Joey's shoes but in reality Mac became Joey to me. His behavior affected me so badly that I got sick again. I worried over his sobriety. I worried over his health. I confided in him and found he told everything. I respected him and valued his opinion only to have him totally trash me when he was in one of his moods. It was Joey all over again. This other person he refers to is my mirror. I see myself in him. But I also see that he has something that I don't- I want the serenity and courage that he has. Today I can honestly say that though I miss my friendship with Mac and I am grateful for his help yesterday, I want nothing that he has because it seems to come from putting others down.

Songs that have sprung to mind today as I've nursed a migraine. For some reason The Charmed Ones spring to mind.

Freaks Come Out at Night

As sung by Whodini

Chorus
The freaks come out at night
The freaks come out at night
The freaks come out at night
(the freaks come out)
The freaks come out at night

Discos don't open till after dark
And it ain't till twelve till the party really starts
And I always had to be home by ten
Right before the fun was about to begin
Crowds of people lined up inside and out
Just one reason, to rock the house
But in the day time the streets was clear
You couldn't find a good freak anywhere, 'cause

Chorus

Now when freaks get dressed to go out at night
They like to wear leather jackets, chains and spikes
They wear rips and zippers all in their shirts
Real tight pants and fresh mini skirts
All kinds of colors runnin' through their hair
And you could just about find a freak anywhere
But then again, you could know someone all their life
But might not know they're a freak unless you see them at night, 'cause

Chorus

Now the party's jumpin', the place is packed
And when the crowd's like this, I'm ready to rap
But before I could bust a rhyme on the mic
Freaks are all over me like white on rice
Freaks come in all shapes, sizes and colors
But what I like about 'em most is that they're real good lovers
They do it in the park, they do it in the dark
But most freaks are known for breakin' hearts
You could never tell what a freak was thinkin' of
And you may never catch a freak without at least one glove
And they don't walk, when they step, they strut
And nine times out of ten they drive you nuts
But take my advice, you don't stand a chance
Freaks are so bad they got their own dance
So if you wanna live a nice quiet life
Do yourself a favor, don't come out at night, 'cause

Chorus

Hut one, hut two
Hut hut hut

Chorus



Thriller

As sung by Michael Jackson

1st verse
It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
You’re paralyzed

Chorus
‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

2nd verse
You hear the door slam and realize there’s nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you’ll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin up behind
You’re out of time

Chorus

Bridge
Night creatures call
And the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There’s no escapin’ the jaws of the alien this time
(they’re open wide)
This is the end of your life

3rd verse
They’re out to get you, there’s demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change the number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together
All thru the night I’ll save you from the terror on the screen,
Ill make you see

Chorus

(rap performed by Vincent Price)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize yawls neighborhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Out Here on My Own

As sung by Irene Cara

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
Make believein' is hard alone,
Out here on my own.

We're always provin' who we are,
Always reachin'
For that risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own.

When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I've never shown,
Out here on my own.

But when I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby, belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
I may not win,
But I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own,

Out here on my own.


I talked to my Al-Anon sista, Linda last night. She's really hurting from the break up with Anthony. But it was her decision to detach, not his. I know how she feels. I went through that same thing with Joey.

I love Linda so much. She's been here for me in spirit, via e-mail and on the telephone. I've woke her up in the wee hours of the morning before. (I've only ever done that with three other friends- Judy, Kim and Wendy. I was usually the one that got those calls.) She's good about getting me back on track. She understands the difference between me talking to her and being real and when I'm talking at her, hiding something.

This is why I am going to Montgomery with her next weekend. As GR of her group she is required to go to the Al-Anon assembly in her area but she doesn't want to go alone. She's afraid she'll break down and cry amid the shares there. She needs a friend's shoulder to cry on. I'll be wringing wet when I come back on Sunday but it's the least that I can do.

Last night I shared with my sista the effects of this new medication that I'm on. I sometimes feel like I'm in a fog, like things aren't real. She says that that will pass. I am calmer and better able to focus on myself rather than looking at others. But I had begun to focus before I began taking the medication. I have too many of my own problems to be taking anyone else's inventory.

I don't worry about what others think any more so much. I'm at "Love me or leave me be." There are things about me that I still don't like. Some things are changable and some things aren't. I'd like to believe that I'm beyond judging others but I believe that may be a product of the human condition. All I know is that more and more I see myself in others. So any time that finger points at them I'm actually pointing at my own shortcomings. It makes it difficult to say anything negative about anyone.

Thursday night I vented to my sponsor about the home group after our meeting. But I think I was more bent out of shape with what I saw of myself in the two people sitting there. She were exhibiting characteristics of who I was rather than who I am now. I have to wonder about what kind of person I must have been.

I miss my friendships with a few of my recovery buddies. I miss e-mails that go back and forth over the internet but I regained some of that with Kenny. I miss long phone calls but I've regained some of that with Elyce and Linda. I miss having someone to do things with and I have yet to replace they with any one. Like I told Kenny and Linda last night, I am increasingly content to be in my own company because I have serenity. But I'm isolating myself when I stay in my apartment with my cats all the time. Still I'd rather have the serenity than the drama. Some of my recovery buddies kept the drama stirred up to the point that I got sick worrying over things.

I've got some things to work on while I'm off on fall break. Today I intend to rearrange my bedroom to create a little more storage space and leg room. I've also got some things to do for my classroom. I'll be in out of my room trying to get caught up on paperwork and to create some more learning stations for the wheel chair bound children.

I wish I knew someone who could download music to CD. I need some songs for the more active kids to move around to for our Adaptive P.E. I need "Simple Simon Says", "The Name Game", "Who Let the Dogs Out", "The Cha Cha Slide" by D. J. Casper, "The Twist" by Chubby Checker, "Walk Like an Egyptian" and "Hill Billy Rap" by Neal McCoy. Those are silly songs with a lot of repetition that my kids can learn to sing. The problem is that my home computer is a dinosaur. The one at school is blocked from doing such things. Maybe I can ask Chaz if he would do it since his wife works in my classroom.

I'm grateful for Bobby B. and Barry H. I went to the clubhouse early last night and had a wonderful conversation with these two in recovery. I needed to hear some ESH from others who had or are going through similar things to me. They are real. In Al-Anon so often members of the group have their masks on because they still aren't willing to acknowledge that their situation is less than perfect. But like I told these two men I'm so focused on myself right now that I don't have time for this. I need real ESH, not some watered down version. That's why I'm glad I have others in recovery that I can talk to. I was hoping to get to talk to Joe, too, but I have the feeling that our mutual acquaintance has warned him against talking to me. It's okay. I figure if it's in God's plan for me to know any of the people who darken the door of a recovery house, I will. I don't have to go looking for it any more, it will just happen. It just kind of bums me out to think that no matter what I do, what changes I make in myself, I will still have the things I've done and said held against me. What happened to forgive and forget?

Gotta go. Xena's making an appearance in my living room.

In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings,
a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle...
Her courage will change the world.

The Warrior Princess rides alone.
Her past drives her from shame.
Against the forces of a dark world.
She fights for good, not for fame.
Horns sound her coming, blare her name.
"Make way the Warrior! Cheer!"
Drums beat a rhythm.
Let villains beware
The Warrior Princess is here!


These are the words that can be heard at the beginning of any episode of Xena. Since I've found out when it comes on I begin my mornings by watching episodes of this show. I admire the character for so many reasons. What I like the most about her is that she presents herself with a "this is who I am, take it or leave it" attitude. She doesn't apologize to anyone for being who she is. She makes amends and then moves on. The second thing I like about Xena is that she is completely uninhibited. She's not afraid to experiment with what might bring her enjoyment.

I think I might like to be a little more like Xena, minus the blood shed. She is a survivor, not a victim.

I am so, so glad that fall break is just days away. I can't believe it's already here but I think I'm in need of it. I'll still be working. This will give me a chance to get caught up on some of my paperwork.

I had a weird dream last night. I woke up at one point to go to the bathroom and remembered part of it. I saw so vividly a person that I've struggled with. I asked God to take away those feelings and thoughts. I don't want to be angry or aggitated any more. Now I wonder if I'm not being told that things were left unresolved. But how can you resolve something when the other person keeps side stepping the issues? It was why I got out of all that to begin with. It was making me crazy. But like a moth drawn to a flame I still reach out to him some times because he is someone who seems to understand what makes me tick. I hate that.

I went to a meeting in Lawrenceburg last night. I had straddled the fence about going so I prayed for God to give me a sign if it was the right thing to do. A friend called me out of the blue and asked me if I was going to a meeting. I said, "Well, I guess I am now." It was okay. I don't know what others got out of it but I realized that I had turned over several new leafs. Jane's opinion of me just didn't matter any more. In fact, I really could care less what anyone thinks of me right now. I'd said as much to Linda when she called prior to the meeting. She said, "Damn, those 'go to hell pills' you're taking sure work wonders!" Yes, antidepressants work wonders but I think it's more than that. I really think I've moved beyond caring.

Xena! I've found her again. The show comes on at 6:00 on the Oxygen channel before I go to work. How is that for starting the day? Almost need a warrior attitude when I go into work to tackle my child with multiple personalities. He fluctuates on me. One minute I'm the best thing since Sponge Bob Squarepants, the next thing I know I'm "the bitch." Go figure. At least I haven't had to restrain him any more.

A lot of sickness in my room. I sent home two today before 11:00. One will be out for a while. The other will probably be back tomorrow bright and early. Just two days to go until fall break. I can do this.

Lately I feel as if I'm walking in a daze. Nothing seems real to me any more. But last night when I watched Rock of Love and saw how affected Jes was by Brett's diabetes it dawned on me that I feel this way because I only deal with what is front of me. I haven't been leaping into the future and worrying about all the "what ifs".

When I dealt with all those "what ifs" regarding my heart I found that I activated a self-fulfilling prophesy type scenerio. In other words, I predicted Joey's behavior before it actually occurred. Then I was heart broken because he didn't go against the grain.

The same thing can be said of my job situation. I was hoping I'd get a break with all the expectations. Instead I found more hidden beneath the surface. This county is so behind that they are reaching for anyone who has any experience with different techniques, procedures, etc. Someone I don't even know referred a teacher from another school to me for help with portfolios. I'm not sure how that came about. Then I get saddled with some paperwork that I'm not particularly fond of because someone found out I knew how to do it well. Ugh!

The days seem to be flying by. I've lost all track of time. Next week is fall break. Wow! I can't believe it's here already. Where did the time go?

I need to stay after school a couple of days to get caught up on paperwork. Otherwise, I'll be at the school during fall break trying to get things in order. I'm trying to figure out how I did everything during those years that I was insane with Joey. I was telling Mark last night that I did a lot of insane things during that time. I don't even recognize myself when I look back on that time.

I thought about how unhappy everyone I talked to in Al-Anon seems to be. I'm not in that place any more. I feel kind of numb. I'm not oblivious to everything but I kind of feel like everything is passing by in front of me. I don't react like I used to. I've decided that a lot of the behavior that I used to take the blame (or the credit) for has nothing to do with me. Reacting to the behavior only reinforces that part of me that wants to play the martyr. I don't want to go there any more.

I was grateful that Don sat down and talked to me before the meeting. He's had a lot of experience with relapse. The poor man nearly burned himself alive in a black out. He told me that he rarely talks about that time in his life but for some reason he spoke to me about his time in the ICU. He could remember the dreams he had and wondered about the significance of them. I talked to him about my latest letter from Joey. I told him about the former student that is in prison with Joey and my decision not to play the Mother Hen any more. For some reason I needed to talk about that. I'm not sure why except that that was a huge part of who I was.

I miss my conversations with Kenny. I sense that he's going through a dark valley right now. I don't know what's going on in his life but I think it's best I leave him alone. I guess I made up for the loss this weekend with my phone conversations with Linda and Elyce. Saturday night had a spiritual feel to it. Yesterday the conversations were a little different. Don't know how to describe them. It almost felt like I was the drug of their choice, like my sharing on spiritual matters got them high and yesterday they were coming down off of it and were reaching for it again. It didn't make sense. They each went to church services while I did not. I had my time in the Word because I looked up the gifts of the Holy Spirit but I didn't actually darken the door of the church. Kind of funny how that works.

I used my time wisely this weekend. I got a lot of things done around the apartment that I had procrastinated about. But like I told Mark- it is not that I'm lazy. It's more of a control thing. I can control when I do these things and how well I do them. I chose to put them off.

I don't have any projects in the works right now but I'm thinking about taking Linda's suggestion about putting together flyers advertising my research skills for some extra money. I'm just not in to that right now. The drive to find answers isn't there any more. But I did take one of George's queries from him because it was my direct ancestor that someone was asking about. I've got my response typed up and I will get it in the mail today. Who knows? Maybe the old spark is coming back.

I just watched the Brett Michael thing on VH-1. I hate reality shows! And I thought a rock star living out his fantasy of multiple women and narrowing it down to one was a little over the top but I've got to say that I admired his final decision. He recognized the wall that we sometimes put up when we're scared. He spoke of a leap of faith. In the end when his health became an issue he discovered which woman would be there for him and which one wouldn't. I also found it great that his ultimate test was about whether either girl was willing to share him or be exclusive and he chose the one who want exclusivity. That showed more brass to me than anything I've seen on a reality show in a long time. It's kind of odd to say but it restored my belief that there are still some men out there who look at the heart rather than the breasts.


The Rose

As sung by Bette Midler

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.


Every Rose Has Its Thorn

As sung by Poison


We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Chorus:
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Chorus

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

Solo

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Chorus