Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Saturday, November 29

Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.


Barbara De Angelis
American speaker and writer, present day

*****************************************

Perpetual calendar says:

Life is like a football game,
and I plan to come on strong
in the second half!

*************************************

I'll Be There

As sung by the Jackson 5

You and I must make a pact,
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love,
I'll be there

I"ll reach out my hand to you,
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you,
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and I'll be there

If you should ever find someone new,
I know he'd better be good to you
'cause if he doesn't, I'll be there
Dont you know, baby, yeah yeah
Ill be there, Ill be there, just call my name, Ill be there

(just look over your shoulders, honey - oo)

I'll be there,
I'll be there,
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah

I'll be there,
I'll be there,
Just call my name, I'll be there...



All of this served as a good reminder that I am lovable, capable of loving and loved.

Sunday, November 30th, will be my Al-Anon birthday. I'll have been in Al-Anon for five years. Yeah, I know, to many people it isn't a big deal. But for me it means alot. I learned a whole new way of doing things, of living. I learned how to say, "No." I'm still working on the whole not feeling guilty part. It takes time.

I've used my program a lot this weekend with Mom and Barry. I feel like I'm their parent and I'm having to say, "No" to the things they want. We just don't have the money. Both of them are in the whole with spending as their payee tries to straighten out their finances and I have no money left.

Mom went to the doctor today. I think we've put an end to all of her worries over heart trouble and low blood sugar.

Barry's a different story. He relies on me too much. I feel smothered.

Make this moment count. That's what my perpetual calendar says today.

It's ironic how this whole weekend has begun. I went to get Mom from Country Cottage yesterday and wasn't sure how long she was going to stay with me. I discovered that she was going to spend 4 days. It's going to be a very eventful four days.

This morning it began with her naming off all of her various ailments. The workers at Country Cottage have here worried to death about her health. A little thing becomes a major crisis and she's off and running. Add in Barry to the formula and you've got a comedy routine.

It's got to be synchronicity that "Benny and Joon" was on this afternoon. I had just been talking about this movie to my coworkers, telling them how it depicts so much of my life or maybe just my feelings about my life with my two nuts. So, it seemed like fate that we should watch it. Mom loved it, Barry felt that it hit too close to home.

We've got a ton of leftovers. Barry and I will be eating turkey for days. He wants me to fix turkey tetrazini one day. Not sure I have all the ingrediants. I'll do what I can.

Someone tried to break into my apartment last night while I slept. Fortunately my attack cats were on duty. There's some broken glass from the back door and a mini blind was knocked down, but the person didn't get into my apartment. They were thwarted by a litter box and two cats. I didn't hear anything last night. I discovered it a few minutes ago when my brother came knocking on the front door after spending the night in his own apartment.

I want my life back! My brother has got to go home. I love him and I totally empathize with him but he's taken over my apartment. I no longer have any privacy and it's become impossible for me to maintain a budget. He goes through my groceries like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes he eats things I have earmarked for something special. Groan!

I get the guilt trip thrown at me by relatives and case workers about taking care of him. Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. But there is only so much I can do. He needs more services but he's been turned down again. Our only hope is that they will reevaluate him and find him to be autistic, as I know he is, rather than mildly retarded. It would open up a few more avenues for him. I can't take care of my own stuff right now for looking into his. Something's got to give. Please pray for us. We need a lot of help.

Mom was on a maniac high yesterday when I paid her a visit. I'm so afraid she's going to do or say something that gets her thrown out of the assistive living program and then I'll be back at square one. Need prayer on her behalf, too.

Say

As sung by John Mayer

Take out of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations
Say what you need to say (8x)

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for getting older
You better know that in the end its better to say to much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say (25x)

Ring of Fire

As sung by Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a firery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like our's meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

I fell in to a burning ring of fire.....[etc]



My brother and I were watching Journey to the Center of the Earth tonight. As the characters fell to the center of the earth the song "Ring of Fire" popped into my mind. Yeah, I've got a morbid sense of humor. The movie is good by the way. Two thumbs up from Barry and me.

It was a good day at school. I had my first evaluation by the principal this year. I was ready and the assistants were on task with me. Yay! And Taylor did not misbehave. Double Yay!

Yesterday I learned that the previous teacher used to strap to their chairs. According to the new law coming down beginning in January that would be considered a mechanical restraint which is illegal. Before now it was highly questionable and a general no-no. How'd he get away with it? But it explains why no one ever heard any misbehavior out of the kids. They were strapped into chairs.

At this time of year I get a lot of catalogs to order Christmas presents. Sometimes I order but often times the catalogs are cut up or placed in File 13.

This year I saw a necklace that got me thinking. The message on it was "All who wander are not lost..." It made me think of a particular Christmas song.

I Wonder as I Wander

I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Saviour did come for to die
For poor on'ry people like you and like I;
I wonder as I wander out under the sky

When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all
But high from God's heaven, a star's light did fall
And the promise of ages it then did recall.

If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing
A star in the sky or a bird on the wing
Or all of God's Angels in heaven to sing
He surely could have it, 'cause he was the King

I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Saviour did come for to die
For poor on'ry people like you and like I;
I wonder as I wander out under the sky

****************************************

I've spent an awful lot of time in my life asking questions about one thing or another. I used to wonder why a blue bird couldn't mate with a red bird and give birth to a purple bird. I mean, a horse can mate with a donkey and you get a mule; a cocker spaniel can mate with a poodle and you get a cockapoo; and every breed of cat you can imagine can mate to create other breeds of cat. So why not birds?

I've also wondered who decided that a day was 365 days, or how we came to have 12 months, or why a day is 24 hours long. Was time always measured this way? If so, then how or why did people live past 100 years old in the Old Testament?

I wonder about a thousand different things every day. Some of them are mundane and others are pretty significant. But lately I've been trying to do what Rainier Rimke suggested: "Live the question." I told that to some AA members on Sunday night and one asked me if I even remembered what the question was. You know the funny thing is that I really don't. I used to ask myself "Why am I here?" and then that question finally went away when I was told that I was born for these times. Then I wondered what my grand purpose was. But these days I find it doesn't really matter.

The main thing is that I am alive. I'm supposed to be here. The odds of my being were stacked against me. (I could explain that statement but I won't.)It doesn't really matter why I'm here. The main thing is that I am. That is enough.

I'll remember that when I get down on myself and wish I were someone else. That was something I did a lot. Now and then I still do it but not as much as I used to.

I heard a song on the radio this morning. It spoke volumes to me. It was "The Reason" by Hoobastank. That first line, "I'm not a perfect person...", is so true for me. I do a lot of things wrong these days. I'm torn between what my head tells me, my heart tells me and what others have to say. I went to therapy today and Melanie told me to disregard what the others are saying. Their opinions do not matter. But she said I did need to resolve the conflict between my head and my heart. Easier said than done. Anyone have an idea on how to do that? Feel free to share.

Life's a bitch and then you die. That's all I could think about after the day I've had. School was okay. Just a few minor problems, nothing new. It was what happened afterward when I had to deal with my two nuts.

I picked up Barry after school to go visit Mom. I got paid, so I stopped at the ATM on the way to Lawrenceburg. I made a deal with him. If he refrained from being a pig while at the assisted living place, I'd take him out for supper. He did pretty well because I removed him from temptation. But he rushed through our visit with Mom to get food.

Mom was kind of out of it. The mania was going strong. She's flipping out over some man who lives next door to her at the building there. I talked to administration there about her situation. I think I finally got some things straight so I sat Mom down to explain them to her. But it was cut short because of Barry's antics.

At any rate we get to the Chinese restraunt and he pigs out. Then on the way out he goes to the restroom and it's all over the front of his pants. That put off our grocery shopping because I didn't want him to be laughed at or made fun of in Kroger. So, I drove us back to Pulaski, hoping that his pants would dry before we got to Wal-Mart. I gave him $25 and some change to buy himself some things other wise he would have piled my buggy high with junk. He lost $20 in the parking lot when he bent over to pick up his change. I was in the Christmas section looking at decorations when I heard him yelling for me. I watched a 45 year old man pitch a three year old temper tantrum. I was highly embarrassed and ticked off.

I went to the truck to help him retrace his steps. I wound up kissing $20 good-bye and giving him another $20 to fulfill his mission. Another fit came when he went to the bathroom at Wal-Mart and his change fell through his pocket and was lost. Of course, when we got home he found his change had fallen into the pants leg of his sweats and he'd thrown a fit for nothing.

Since we've been back at my apartment he's opened up two of the items I'd bought to last through next week. At the rate he's eating I'll be broke again before the next pay day. I'm trying to help him and he's dragging me down. And he's got his hand out for money every time I turn around. Plus he expects me to fix all of his problems, clean up after him, etc. I know he's autistic but his actions are so reminiscent of my alcoholic/addict ex that I feel trapped again.

Thank God I have therapy tomorrow!

The walls are closing in on me. I feel smothered. I want my life back. I got Mom situated only to inherit Barry full time. I know, I know. His stuff will eventually even itself out and things will return to normal, whatever normal is, but I feel overwhelmed with all the "I need..." and "I want..." and "I feel like everyone's turned their back on me." Barry is overwhelmed and confused. I am reacting to him. On the one hand I want to help him but on the other I recognize that I am powerless and limited with what I can or should do. I just need to wait things out. I just feel so tired and I desperately need a break. I'm thinking of going to visit Linda next weekend but if I had someone to do something with close by I'd jump through hoops to have some time away from all of this. I need a distraction for just a few hours. It's beginning to get me down. My medication isn't holding back the depression.

The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun

As sung by Julie Brown

Hooooo - It was homecoming night at my high school
Hooooo - Everyone was there, it was totally cool
Hooooo - I was real excited, I almost wet my jeans
Hooooo - 'Cause my best friend Debbie was homecoming queen

She looked so pretty in pink chiffon, chiffon
Riding the float with her tiara on, tiara on
Holding this humongous bouquet in her hand, bouquet
She looked straight out of Disneyland

You know, like the Cinderella ride,
I mean definitely an E ticket,E ticket
The crowd was cheering, everyone was stoked, was stoked
I mean it was like the whole school was totally coked or something
The band was playing Evergreen
And all of a sudden somebody screamed

Look out! The homecoming queen's got a gun!

{Refrain}
Everybody run, the homecoming queen's got a gun
Everybody run, the homecoming queen has got a gun

Debbie's smiling and waving her gun
Picking off cheerleaders one by one
Oh Buffie's pompom just blew to bits
Oh no, Mitzie's head just did the splits
God, my best friend's on a shooting spree
Stop it, Debbie, you're embarrassing me
How could you do what you just did
Are you having a really bad period

{Refrain}

Stop Debbie, you're making a mess
Powder burns all over your dress

An hour later the cops arrived
By then the entire glee club had died, no big loss
You wouldn't believe what they brought to stop her
Tear gas, machine guns, even a chopper
"Throw down your gun and tiara and come out of the float"
Debbie didn't listen to what the cop said
She aimed and fired and now the math teacher's dead
Oh it's really sad but kind of a relief
I mean, we had this big test coming up next week

{Refrain}

Debbie's really having a blast
She's wasting half of the class

The cops fired a warning shot that blew her off the float
I tried to scream "duck" but it stuck in my throat
She hit the ground and did a flip, it was real acrobatic
But I was crying so hard I couldn't work my Instamatic
I ran down to Debbie, I had to find out
What made her do it, why'd she freak out
I saw the bullet had got her right in the ear
I knew then the end was near


So I ran down and I said, in her good ear,
"Debbie, why'd you do it?"
She raised her head, smiled, and said "I - I did it for Johnny."
Johnny? Well like who's Johnny?
Answer me, Debbie, who's Johnny?
Does anybody here know Johnny?
Are you Johnny?
There was one guy named Johnny but he was a total geek, he always had food in his braces.
Answer me, Debbie, who's Johnny?
Oh God this is like that movie Citizen Kane you know where you later find out Rosebud was a sled?
But we'll never know who Johnny was because like she's dead.


Everybody run, the homecoming queen's got a gun
Everybody run, the homecoming queen has got a
Everybody run
Everybody run, the homecoming queen has got a


I really don't know why this song popped into my head today. It just bothered me and I had to find out who sang it. But I also had some Saturday morning kid's show from my childhood come to me today, too. I was feeding strained bananas to Corey at lunch and I remembered, "Ban-nan-nan-a" I had to ask my brother what show it was from. He told me it was Kids from Caper. Funny- I just couldn't remember the name.

At any rate I remembered this song. Maybe I'm channeling the '80's. Who knows?

God Shaped Hole

As sung by Plumb

Every point of view has another angle
And every angle has its merit
But all comes down to faith
That's the way I see it

You can say that love is not divine and
You can say that life is not eternal
All we have is now
But I don't believe it

Chorus
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And its a void only He can fill


Does the world seem gray with empty longing
Wearing every shade of cynical
And do you ever feel that
There is something missing?

Chorus

That's my point of view...


This is not the only song with this title. There is another one found on Volume I of Sounds of Serenity.

Not sure why the song came to mind other than I heard it today. It may be that it sprang to mind because of a conversation that I had with my brother. Or it could be that was the direction my mind was going just now.

I'm just looking for a time where a happy medium is reached with my family financially. Mom's financial situation is iffy because the payee won't get her her own bank account. She's sending Mom's money through mine. It makes me nervous. But I did catch the Country Cottage people overcharging her. Mom's Medicare D has also not been totally restored. That's going to be one hell of a bill when it's finally sent to the payee. Barry's situation is iffy because he overspent this summer at the grocery store. His phone and cable are turned off right now and he's spending a lot of his time here. Sometimes it gets to be a bit much. At other times I welcome the company.

Movin' On

As sung by Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days aren't gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on




When this song first came out it hit me like a ghost story. It's haunting. It's like being hit with a thought all at once and you say, "Oh, yeah." I got it and then I didn't.

It brought to mind the poem by Robert Frost- Death of a Hired Man. But it also reminded me of something else- "you can never go home again." At the time I didn't think about myself. I thought about my now ex-husband. I wanted him to hear the song very badly and suddenly think, "oh, yeah." I discovered that it doesn't work like that. I can't make anyone think or do anything. Heck, I'm so below the radar that my opinion really doesn't matter to anyone.

I heard the song again today and another thought it me. For me it's not about physically moving on. It's about spiritually, emotionally moving on. It's about leaving the old self behind, having forgiven myself for the things I held over my own head. I am my own worst enemy because I know the truth about myself and I know all of my secrets. No one can blackmail me as well as I can myself.

Last night I had an odd dream about being back in high school. Two people I graduated with were in my dream. I was not especially friendly with either of them although I thought one was nicer than the other. One the educational assistants at my new job was in the dream as were my mother and brother. Beyond that I don't remember the people. I just knew that I was trying to get home because I needed to change clothes. It was an odd dream.

At any rate things are going better in my life but they aren't perfect. Thankfully the peaceful, easy feeling is back though. For that I'm grateful.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Love is a great beautifier.
--Louisa May Alcott

How do we feel when someone says, "I love you"? Do we feel a rush of warmth throughout our bodies? Do we walk a little taller? Do smiles come more easily to our lips? Words of love are inspirational. They bring out the best in us; perhaps they even encourage us to move in new directions, set new goals, attempt the unfamiliar.

Loving and being loved soften the hard edges of life. No stormy day is really bleak when we share it with a loving friend. No formidable challenge is too overwhelming when a loved one is nudging us forward, certain of our capacity to succeed. And the mirror reflects brighter eyes and fewer lines when we carry the knowledge that we're loved.

Let's share this knowledge with someone else now, and spread the beauty around us.
From: Worthy of Love by Karen Casey


Love Heals

From the Broadway musical Rent

Life, a breath of midnight air
Like a lighthouse
Like a prayer
Like a flicker and the flare the sky reveals
Like a walk along the shore
That you’ve walked a thousand times before
Like the ocean’s roar
Love heals

There are those who shield their hearts
Those who quit before they start
Who’ve frozen up the part of them that feels
In the dark they’ve lost their sight
Like a ship without a star in the night
But hold on tight

Love heals
When you feel you can’t go on
Love heals
Hold on to love
It’ll keep you strong
Love heals
When you feel like you can’t go on
Love heals
Hold on to love
And it will bring you home

Love heals when pain’s too much to bear
When you reach out your hand
And only the wind is there
When life’s unfair
When things like us are not to be
Love heals when you feel so small
Like a grain of sand
Like nothing at all
When you look at sea
That’s where love will be
That’s where you’ll find me
You’ll find me

So if you fear the storm ahead
As you lie awake in bed
And there’s no one, no one to stroke your head
And your mind reels, your mind
Your mind reels
If your face is salty wet
And you’re drowning in regret
Just
Don’t forget
Don’t forget
Don’t forget
Don’t forget
It’s all right
Love heals


Love Can Build a Bridge

As sung by the Judds

I’d gladly walk across the desert
With no shoes upon my feet
To share with you the last bite
Of bread I had to eat
I would swim out to save you
In your sea of broken dreams
When all your hopes are sinkin’
Let me show you what love means

Chorus:
Love can build a bridge
Between your heart and mine
Love can build a bridge
Don’t you think its time?
Don’t you think its time?

I would whisper love so loudly
Every heart could understand
That love and only love
Can join the tribes of man
I would give my hearts desire
So that you might see
The first step is to realize
That it all begins with you and me

Chorus

When we stand together
Its our finest hour
We can do anything, anything
Keep believin’ in the power

Chorus

Love and only love
Love and only love

My guess is that today will feel like I am in the trenches. After that meeting last Thursday it's going to be very interesting. Jane comes back to shadow Stephanie for two days and then she takes over Lakale's schedule. Stephanie begins a new one on Wednesday. Kim is already aware that she will be switching with Missie come Wednesday also. All I can say for them is "you make your bed, you've got to lie in it." They shot their mouths off one too many times and were found missing one too many times. This is their reward.

Still, it is strange to be in the middle of this. Last year it seemed that I was the villian. Now, I'm the sounding board. I'd rather not hear any of it to tell the truth. The sad thing is that the person stirring everything up is Jennifer. I have a sneaky suspicion that once Jane and Missie are both in the room they'll see just how much Jennifer belongs to the same club as Stephanie and Kim.

When I'm around all of these women I feel like I've stepped into Wonder Land. Nothing seems real or it feels inconsequential.

Got through a rough patch of days with family. Thursday night my ex-father-in-law called here. I didn't recognize his voice. It's been over two or three years since I've talked to him on the telephone. It's been more than four years since I've seen him. He called to tell me that one of the trailers had burned down on the property. Oddly enough I didn't ask if anything else was damaged or if anyone was hurt. All I could think of was why are you calling me. (That response kind of scares me about myself.) Then I remembered that the property was in my name.

Once he got through telling me about it and that another trailer was being brought onto the property, I really felt like there wasn't any reason to stay on the telephone. He asked what my hurry was and tried to give me his telephone number. I wouldn't take it. He filled me in on his problems. Now, in the past I would have jumped on that as a hint that he needed help and I'd have jumped in with both feet. I just wanted to get off the telephone. Then he went on to ask if I'd heard from Joey. Well, yeah, I have but I have decided not to write back. I see no point in it. I was told that Joey had made parole and would be out as early as January. All I could think was, I sure am glad I got Mom and Barry moved and that house is about to go on the market.

Other side of family- Mom came and spent the weekend with me because we had a few things to do. I could not afford to drive back and forth to get them done. We make a pretty good team most times. Then you figure Barry into the mix and it all falls apart. He's not much of a team player. He's extremely egocentric like most autistic people are. We had a few rough patches. Barry's cable and telephone have been turned off for now so he's at my apartment a lot. The payee never got the bill. That should be remedied soon.

The payee deposited Mom's money for her rent in my account on Friday. I'm afraid I'll be coughing up some money when I get paid toward her bill at Country Cottage because my account was in the red. I'm not sure how much of her money was absorbed by my late fees.

I'm broke. Pay day isn't until next Friday. I've been taking care of some of Mom and Barry's things because they needed to get done. Hopefully I'll be reimbursed some this week since I sent the receipts to the payee but I'm not holding my breath. I'm out over $500- some of my bills didn't get paid because of it.

Took Mom back last night. She didn't really want to go back. She likes the place okay but she feels like a fish out of water. The workers there seem to like her because she participates in every activity while the rest of the clients isolate themselves in their apartments. Mom probably would too if she had her on TV and telephone. Seems she does very little talking and a lot of listening while she's at Country Cottage. She saved up for me and talked my ear off.

Went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. Briefly saw Michael before going inside. Not sure if he stayed for his own meeting. His car was gone when I came out. His mother, my sponsor, was there as was Jane and two newcomers. The surprise participant was Michael's sister, Mona. I'm sorry but I can't make myself like her. She gets on my nerves. I can't quite put my finger on it but it's like she thinks she has the answer for everything. Some would say that I am looking in my mirror. Groan! I sincerely hope not. She's annoying. A lot of the time I think she's wearing a mask.

I was glad to see Michael but I've about decided that it's a lost cause. He's difficult to maintain a friendship with because he holds a lot of himself back. I recognize it because I have a tendency to do that with people I am unsure of myself. It's a shame because I sense that there is a lot of love and passion bottled up in him. I listened to him describe himself as ugly. That floored me. He is anything but ugly! Does he need a mirror? At any rate the whole thing is a lost cause because he doesn't see me in the same light as I view him. If he did he'd say so. He flirts with me and seems to take an active interest in baiting me but he really doesn't want to be in my company for very long. Too bad. We actually have a lot in common. Michael is very easy to love but hard to get close to and yet that is what I'd like most of all.