Gratitude list of today:

I have a roof over my head and an understanding landlord.
I have clean clothes.
I have dried beans. Yay, let's hear it for the pintos! I also have sweet potatoes. And what about that peanut butter? These will be what pulls me through until money begins rolling in. Barry has eaten everything in the apartment.
I have 1/4 tank of gas in the truck to get me around. Hey, that's better than being empty.
I have two cats for companionship. Love that Cocoa and Alley.
I've got a job.
My phone works and I still have the internet.
I've got electricity and cable.
I've got blankets and a comfortable bed to sleep in. It beats sleeping on the couch.
The historical society is helping me with my book a little here and there.
The new Al-Anon group may begin to grow as there is some interest expressed in it.
Barry is okay about doing the Leg Up horse back riding therapy and he's interested in learning how to use a computer. He's going to go to the library while I'm at work to have someone there teach him.


I have to keep reminding myself to look on the bright side other wise I'd get really depressed. I feel stuck in this rut with no way out. I'm trying to stay calm and wait. It's hard though.

Drowning. I'm drowning in debt worst than before because I've attempted to keep Barry and Mom afloat. Am I doing the payee's job? I've got to separated Mom's money from mine. They had taken everything out before I was able to this last time. Barry? He's going to be the death of us all. He goes through his food like there's no tomorrow. Then he comes here for a hand out. Shoot, I wasn't able to buy groceries this last time for dealing with these people and I was unable to make rent, too. Something's got to give.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I've got problems. I accept my problems. I know that some of them are beyond my control. Others are things that I can work on a little at a time.

Major problem right now is the pain in my back and left leg. I go to see a specialist on Thursday. I wish I had someone else to do the driving. I hope to find out that there is something that I can do about the pain. It hurts to sit, stand, walk and lie down.

Other problem involves finances. In trying to "help" my mother and brother I've once again hurt myself. Rent is due. No money left. Mom's check going through my account and all the other things that were tied to my brother's stuff cost me roughly $800. I am broke. My only hope is to write the landlord a check for two months rent and ask him not to cash it until February 13th. We'll see what happens. I really don't know what else I can do. Their payee owes me some major money out of their accounts but I'm not sure that either of them are caught up on their bills. I will be the last to receive reimbursement because I am family.

I think Deacon Mike is trying to fix me up with Kenneth. I really think that's a bad idea. My instincts really scream at me about this man. Not sure why. But something doesn't seem right about him. Besides I'm not the least bit attracted to him. I'm too busy trying to quiet the sirens going off in my head about him.

Seven degrees. It hasn't been this cold since the February that Joey got out of prison. Thank God I still have the electric blanket. All around us the other counties cancelled school but we went in two hours late. It was a wasted day. We spent the majority of the time battling Taylor. She kept throwing herself in the floor.

Other news. I have a TV for Mom now. I drove up to Columbia and met Vicki in the Legends parking lot. She had a TV from her mother's club that has closed down due to the economy.

The refrigerator that I retrieved from Mom's house does not keep things cold. Either we've got a major power surge knocking out things or the 6 months that it was unplugged did a number on it. Don't know what to do. I will ask around and see who might know how to fix it. Refrigerated things divided between school and Barry's apartment. In the mean time, I've got crock pot cooking going on and dry goods to fall back on.

I let the assisted living facility take the whole amount of Mom's room and board out of my check. It was all I could do because her money had been absorbed when all the service charges were taken out. Money is tight. Depending on how much the electric bill is, rent may not be paid in full this month. If evicted I'll move in with Barry and make his life miserable. Just kidding. I don't think it will come to that.

This morning when I awoke I decided to take care of Yolanda. I had $15 to my name. I put $7 in the gas tank (I now have half a tank of gas.) and I bought a diet Pepsi. In all I spent $8.50. The remainder of the money went on doing two loads of laundry at the laundry mat. I spent a lot of time working in the new Al-Anon book "Discovering Choices".

When I came home I discovered that the cooling system in the refrigerator had gone completely out. I remembered that there was a refrigerator at Mom's old house. I've got to get the house ready for auction and Mom had told me that I could have the refrigerator when we were moving Barry's things. I called a moving company. I'm going to go ahead and get the stove that is there, too (I discovered that the stove wasn't working well either). It will only cost me $30.

Vicki has a TV for Mom and I've got an old VCR. If I can get the dresser and ottoman moved out of the house I can get all of these things move for her on Jan. 19. Deacon Mike has graciously offered to fix her bed frame. She'll be all set. I just have to work out something to get her back on track financially with the assisted living facility.

The problems I have are not because of my mother. She's actually become her old self since so much responsibility has been lifted from her shoulders. Barry is the problem. I can't change him. I can't make him become more independent. I can't force him to make better decisions but I can stop enabling him.

The question is where do you draw the line when it comes to a disabled person? My brother's autistic. A lot of the things going on are a part of his disability but not all of them. So I spent some time in my new Al-Anon book. The following passages are what I came up with to mull over.

Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act.
Psalm 37:7

This is a verse taped to my computer monitor. I put it there two years ago. At the time I thought it was about being still. Then I thought it was because I needed to learn patience. These days I think it's more about me just learning to lean on my Higher Power.

I'm at peace even amid the chaos although there are others who think I should be stomping mad. What good would it do me to get mad? I don't have any control over the events going on around me. I can only do my part. I can acknowledge my mistakes and make amends as best I can. I can take care of my health. If that means that I can't take care of anyone else. So be it. There must be someone or some agency out there that can help my brother because I can't.

An old man and his son worked a small farm, with only one horse to pull the plow. One day, the horse ran away.

"How terrible," sympathized the neighbors. "What bad luck."

"Who knows whether it is bad luck or good luck," the farmer replied.

A week later, the horse returned from the mountain, leading five wild mares into the barn.

"What wonderful luck!" said the neighbors.

"Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" answered the old man.

The next day, the son, trying to tame one of the horses, fell and broke his leg.

"How terrible. What bad luck!"

"Bad luck? Good luck?"

The army came to all the farms to take the young men for war. The farmer's son was of no use to them, so he was spared.

"Good? Bad?"
From: Way of the Peaceful Warrior, a Book that Changes Lives, p. 103-104.


This is like old Hee Haw skit I referred to a few months back. It makes one look at things a little bit differently. If everything happens for a reason, then luck has nothing to do with anything.

I baked the largest oatmeal cookie I've ever made a little while ago. I was craving sugar big time and trying to figure out how I'd get through this month. Mom's stuff going through my account is screwing up my finances. It's thrown me off for three months now. I'm not sure if it's good luck, bad luck, or no luck. It could just be a lesson that I have to learn.

I had a doctor's appointment for tomorrow but I've rescheduled it. I was calling to confirm it and found out that I wasn't in the computer nor on the schedule. I would have wasted precious gas getting there. At any rate I have the day off and I can go by the bank to see what can be done about this mess. Need prayer.

I'm Gonna Have A Little Talk With Jesus

As sung by Randy Travis

I'm gonna have a little talk with Jesus
When I get home tonight
Gonna tell him all about my troubles
And I know he'll make them right
Then I'll ask him to forgive me
For the things that I've done wrong
Gonna have a little talk with Jesus
Tonight when I get home

This world can be a struggle
Just livin' day to day
You'll run into the devil
With every step you take
I've seen his face a hundred times
As he tried to lead me wrong
He don't understand
That I don't walk this road alone

I'm gonna have a little talk with Jesus
When I get home tonight
Gonna tell him all about my troubles
And I know he'll make them right
Then I'll ask him to forgive me
For the things that I've done wrong
Gonna have a little talk with Jesus
Tonight when I get home

Lord said I could call on him
When ever I feel low
Any time or place I needed him
He would gladly go
My life has not been perfect
No matter how I try
But he's never turned his back on me
And that's the reason why

I'm gonna have a little talk with Jesus
When I get home tonight
Gonna tell him all about my troubles
And I know he'll make them right
Then I'll ask him to forgive me
For the things that I've done wrong
Gonna have a little talk with Jesus
Tonight when I get home

I'm gonna have a little talk with Jesus
When I get home tonight
Gonna tell him all about my troubles
And I know he'll make them right
Then I'll ask him to forgive me
For the things that I've done wrong
Gonna have a little talk with Jesus
Tonight when I get home

I'm Gonna have a little talk with Jesus
Tonight when I get home


It's been a day of problems. We discovered that we have a rat in the classroom. Missie cornered it in the bathroom closet and Mr. Tucker put out glue traps. I had to wrestle with Taylor today and messed up my back some again. Corey wasn't feeling well and I wound up picking up that 13 year old boy to hold in my lap. Messed my back up even more. Found out Barry refused to let Dr. Burger do blood tests on his cholestrol or blood sugar. When I picked him up I could smell the dirty clothes that he keeps putting back on. Later when I got home I found two messages on my answering machine from Country Cottage. Mom broke her brand new bed. Then the payee and I spoke. I've got to get the house on the market to be auctioned or sold soon. She wants to be able to put Mom's money toward her new apartment and let the old house go. I also learned that she had deposited Mom's money in my account but the bank has not recognized the deposit yet. I'll have to go to the bank tomorrow and see what I can do. Problems, problems everywhere. And yet I am not stressed.

I called to talk to my sponsor and told her of all that had happened today.Sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed. Marian told me that she wished she had a magic wand to fix everything that was wrong with me. I told her that I wasn't her problem to fix (she actually thanked me for saying that) and that the things going on now are a piece of cake compared to what my life used to be. My life used to be utter chaos. I don't know if my life has changed or if my attitude toward my life has changed. At any rate I'm at peace and content. I don't worry so much about the things going on around me because I'm powerless to change any of them. I've got to just ride them out until they are manageable.

I've heard of Kodak moments. Maybe this is my gratitude moment.

Linda and I went to an Al-Anon meeting in Decatur, AL yesterday. Norm was there. I hadn't seen him since the Fair Hope Al-Anon convention of 2007. He reminds me of Popeye. Love him.

He spoke directly to my situation several times- he said a lot of things that I brought back with me. He said, "if doing something is going to cause me a resentment, I don't do it. That's how I determine what is and isn't my responsibility." He also verbalize the same thing I've been praying about for about 5 years now- let me see with God's eyes and hear with His ears. It changes how I see the world. I no longer see each of us as separate, I see myself in everyone I meet. But the one quote I came away with spoke volumes for me: "My presents come wrapped in problems. The bigger the problems, the bigger the presents." I've thought about that some. I think he meant that the bigger my problems, valleys, the more I'm going to learn and come away with. But I wonder if I could think of it also in these terms, "the bigger my problems, the bigger His presence. It just makes so much sense to me.

I'll be going back to that meeting; it's about 30 minutes from here- the same distance as it is to Lewisburg or Columbia and less than it is to Spring Hill. It's a healthy group, too. They're doing a step study.

I got a lot out of Linda's visit. Just wish she wouldn't be so serious.

This has been a long two weeks but I'm really not ready to go back to school. I've got that doctor's appointment on Thursday- I've already lined up Darby to sub for me. Marian has said she would go with me but I gave her an easy out if she doesn't want to. The doctor won't do anything dramatic on Thursday and I think I can make it there and back without any problems but I may reschedule due to gas- I'm flat broke and really don't have the gas to do this now. We'll see what happens.

Carry On My Wayward Son

As sung by Kansas

Chorus
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Chorus

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

Chorus

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)


This song popped into my head yesterday and continued to play today. I had never really paid much attention to the words but today I see a wealth of wisdom in them. It kind of goes hand in hand with some of the things I've been meditating on.

Linda and I went window shopping today. I found a book called "The Imitation of Christ" and it has so much in it that I want to know. The other book I saw was about codependency. Linda's book really. But one sentence caught my eye- depression is anger turned inward. Explains alot.

We went to lunch at Applebee's with Mary Jo and Vicki- two of the Three Musketeers. It was a nice 3 1/2 hour lunch. The girls loved Linda. She's so funny and entertaining.

We came home to find Barry waiting on me. He's beginning that same old song and dance about not having any money. Hey, I don't have any either; in fact, I'm over drawn due to the extra money they took out of my account for Mom. But what can I do? I have no money to put in. It's going to be okay. I'm just waiting for the adjustment by the payee. In the meantime, I'm content. I don't really need anything.

Happy New Year!

My muse is back!. I'm not so sure I like the song that was planted in my brain this morning but nonetheless my muse is back. I was meditation (?) on a particular topic and zap it came to me.

Here I Go Again

As sung by Whitesnake

I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Chorus
An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Chorus

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time

Chorus 2 x

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again...