I'm Tryin'

As sung by Trace Adkins

This gettin up early, pulling double shifts,
Gonna make an old man of me long before I ever get rich.
But I'm tryin
It's been two years since we've finalized,
I still ain't used to puttin ex in front of wife.
But I'm tryin.
Send more money right away, is pretty much all she has to say when she
Calls these days and don't you be late

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

I remember daddy sayin keep your eye on the ball, run like hell, play to win,
Get up when you fall
I'm tryin
Don't say nothin that you can't take back
Never do anything you might regret
No don't do that
Daddy I'm tryin
Know the difference between heaven and hell
Go easy on the bottle be hard on yourself
And I know he meant well

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

There's always a mountain in front of me
Seems I'm always climbin and stumblin
And then fallin'
And then climbin'
But I keep on tryin'

This gettin up early pullin double shifts
Gonna make an old man of me
Long before I ever get rich
But I'm tryin'


For some reason that song popped in my mind this morning. I guess it has something to do with me feeling like I've been left behind, like nothing I ever do is right. Kenny says that that is an illusion. That is actually those of us pursuing enlightenment who have left the others behind. Wish I felt that. He could be right. I look at my perpetual calendar this morning and read:

Because there is nothing
you cannot dream,
there is nothing
you cannot do.

Working on my self-confidence and self-trust issues today. I've got a big meeting this afternoon that I feel ill-prepared for. Not sure what is required of me or what to do.

Apparently dreams are to be the theme of the day because this is what I received in my e-mail earlier today:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

If an idea, I reasoned, were really a valuable one, there must be some way of realizing it.
--Elizabeth Blackwell

These words were written by the first woman who earned a medical degree. They're useful to anyone who fears that their most precious dreams are doomed to failure.

If our dreams are valuable ideas, they will be useful goals. If they're childish fantasies, they won't, although those can be fun. It's important to distinguish the ones we can achieve from the ones we can't. The first kind will nourish us, like bread; the others, like candy, won't.

We have a responsibility to those nourishing dreams, because they come from what's best in us. Our responsibility is to live so that the dream might be realized. When dreams become goals, they have a way of calling us forth. Goals organize our lives, so that we may reach them.

***************

I received a letter from Joey yesterday. I don't know. Somehow it takes me back to the dreams I had of having a family of my own. I somehow feel short changed. Yet, I know it was for the best. He treated me so badly. I don't understand why he wants to renew a friendship when he obviously hated me so much. I don't want to renew one with him. I don't think my heart could take another bout with him. But I'm lonely.

I was sitting here thinking about all that and that thought I had last night popped in my head again. I can just see that predator stalking his prey. It makes me want to puke. It's not my business and I'm not going to say anything to either of them but if Kenny should call I'm going to talk about it to him because I think he would understand how I feel. It sounds a lot like the scenerio he painted about George and Rick.

Today was a comedy of errors. I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. I guess I've made my point enough. I think I'm going to shut up about it now. But Jennifer and I sure did get a good laugh out of how well our third wheel interacted with the substitute today. It was like watching two grandparents. It was cute but it was not teaching.