We don’t necessarily gravitate towards what is good for us; we gravitate toward what feels like home.
Hope for Today, p. 81

When I thought about this statement for the umpteenth time, it dawned on me the full extent of what it was saying. The sentence comes from a reading on negative thinking. I gravitate toward looking at the negative rather than the positive. Whom do I see the negative in? Myself. Then an old adage popped into my head:

Familiarity breeds contempt.
~ Anonymous

I’m so familiar with my faults or, as the Al-Anon program would have me call them, defects, that I was replaying the self-hate tapes again. I was going over and over in my mind things I had said and done. I was replaying them in an attempt to see what I could have done differently.

As badly as I hate to admit it, I was traveling that journey in my head alone. I forgot what my favorite Al-Anon reading said:

“When you have to go into your head,” says an Al-Anon friend, “don’t go alone. It’s not a safe neighborhood.” My experience certainly corroborates the truth of this statement. Now when I have to go inside my mind for some serious thinking and I can’t travel with a program person, I take my Higher Power. When I have trouble contacting that Power, I follow a simple three-point plan my sponsor taught me.

 First, I remind myself that I’ve been in this neighborhood before.
 Second, I make a gratitude list, usually beginning with food, clothing and shelter.
 Third, I meditate and pray that my Higher Power will give me a sign that I’m going in the right direction. Much as I might like to see a lightning bolt hurled from the sky, I make myself receptive to less dramatic moments of insight.

With the glint of light this process provides, the neighborhood may not look like an amusement park, yet it still feels passable. It is, after all, my neighborhood.
Hope for Today, p. 47.

I’ve been in this spot before. So, why now, does it cause me to worry? Or as Elyce asked last night, why do I need to be on antidepressants? It’s because I can’t do it on my own any more. I never really could. There was an illusion that I could. I really do need as much help as I can get. I can’t pull myself up by my bootstraps any more.

The phone has been disconnected but I still have internet. Go figure. The bill is very high. It's been running too high for a while. I'm going to Pulaski Electric and signing up for their new phone, internet and cable package. AT&T can wait. But I'm not going to do anything until Monday. I'll be gone all weekend. I don't see any reason to rush.