Inner peace is achieved
by deciding in your heart
what is really important in life.

This is the message on my perpetual calendar this morning. I think it's rather fitting. It's the last day of 2007 and this has been a year of tremendous growth because I did decide what was really important.

Regrets? I have a few, but then too few to mention. Thanks, Frank, for the song. All kidding aside, I got in touch with God. I learned to let go of all the pain - the shame and the guilt= and give it to my Higher Power. I learned that I am a human being and as one person in the on-line Al-Anon group said yesterday, that is enough.

Yesterday my former sponsor e-mailed me and asked if I was going to be at my home group last night. I was considering that myself. I called to make sure another former sponsor was going to attend- she's the closest thing to an old timer that my sick group has- and then I replied. Poor Jane. She has a time with her children. She poored out her heart last night about the one who causes her the most grief and she actually cried. She showed her humanness. The thing about Jane is that I never doubted for a second that she was human. I knew that like me she did all of her crying in private. I don't know if we said anything to lighten her load on that account but she did have the opportunity to laugh with us last night.

Another odd thing happened yesterday. The paradox actually told me that he was proud of me and my recovery. He said that he was off the rails- I'm not sure what that means but it can't be anything good. Then later in the day he e-mailed me questions about how I hear songs in my mind and what I thought they meant. You know that's kind of hard to explain.

In a nut shell, I believe God speaks to me through music, poetry, and most any artistic expression. I can be in a conversation and suddenly the words to a song with pop into my head that sort of gives me clarity about what is being discussed. At other times a song will pop into my head and I have no frame of reference to it. So, I have to go and look up the lyrics to see what the message is. At other times, I have prayed for God to provide answers to my endless list of questions or for clarity and and a song will come on the radio that will put me in mind to a person, a place, or a situation. That in turn leads to memories. Then there are the times when my mind is off on Pluto or something and He sends me a song on the radio that causes me to reach out to someone.

Do I hear the song, the singer, in my mind? Well...yes and no. Sometimes I can hear the song and put a singer to it (remember who sang it) but most times it is just the song. At other times it is like the song is being recited rather than sung.

Am I singing it to someone? Hmm... when I was dealing with Q, songs popped out of my mouth before I had time to register that they were even in my head. For some reason in his case I could not remember any of the standard children's songs from my childhood. I could only remember religious songs. And that was what I sang to him. In the case of the wheel chair bound kids, the song "Little Drummer Boy" came out a lot before Christmas.

Do I think it tells me something about myself? Yes. It also tells me something about the person the song puts me in mind of or maybe their situation.

At any rate the paradox sounded so sad that I asked a fellow recovery buddy if he'd heard from him. He said that no he had not- his attempts to send e-mail had failed. I discovered that he had the wrong e-mail address and gave him the correct one. Now, see that confuses me somewhat because Mike knows Joe's e-mail. Why hasn't he communicated with him? Why me? Is it because I'm so annoying that I'm safe?

Another development between Mac and me- he looked so dejected last night sitting next to his sponsor in the front room before the meeting. My heart went out to him but I hold to my resolve. I still choose to walk away. He triggered too much while I was in the throes of my depression. I just can't befriend him at this time. It's painful just as it was when I walked away from my ex. But it has to be done.

Before I left mass yesterday I asked the deacon when my RCIA classes are to begin again. I look forward to speaking with him again. I learn so much more about my own belief system and get an inkling from his input about why I think the way I do. Until I began attending the Catholic church I hadn't learned much about the Holy Spirit. It's an awesome lesson to learn.

Oh, well I need to end this entry. I've got a lot to do today. My bff is coming to ring in the new year with me. I've got to do some last minute cleaning. The neurotic cat has shown her displeasure with me by leaving a huge calling card on the carpet here. I've also got to get some of my laundry together. Ruby, the first sponsor I had in the program, told me last night to come by her house. When I told her I had laundry to do, she told me to bring it with me. So, I'll spend a little time with Ruby today and she might come over to ring in the new year with Linda and I.

Happy New Year, everyone!

One of the Al-Anon members from my on-line group shared about choices. How ironic! Just yesterday I e-mailed Mac and got a few things off my chest. Maybe I should have said nothing and just walked away but sometimes I think that the alcoholic and addict needs to know what affect they have on others. At any rate I told him that I choose to walk away from the drama. It's important to my serenity and sanity that I steer clear from drama driven people for a while. I need time to rebuild my program a little stronger before I venture back out into the soap opera lives of those around me. Right now the focus is on me. I still have a few problems of my own that need to be addressed.

I also issued an invitation to someone to join the quiet celebration of New Year's Eve here. It's doubtful that he will take it but I have a feeling others will when it gets too loud down at the Betterway House. I just haven't told Linda that yet. But she will be up for it. She's up for anything.

I don't know if our dreams mean anything or not. There are times when my dreams are so vivid that they seem real to me. I have dreamt something and later had it happen almost exactly like I dreamt. I know to others I come off like a fruit cake when I talk about this kind of stuff but I really do believe there is some validity about dreams. At any rate I had a dream the other night about my stepbrothers. I haven't thought about Voyce or Wade in years. Last night I dreamed that a former colleague died. Weird.

I've made a lot of progress on my organizing things. It's amazing what you can do when you have nowhere to go and lack of funds. I've been cleaning and rearranging closets to create more storage. I rescued some of the genealogy data that I'd collected and stored away after the hot water heater erupted last year. Mold city. I've also found most of the bulletins that I had tucked away- three of them might be of interest to Marian's son, Andy. My copies are not in the best condition. I'm going to snare some for him while I'm at the library. It remains to be seen whether I will be going to work there today or not. I have very little gas and no money. If I go today, I'll have to ask Dennis for a ride to mass tomorrow. I'd rather not ride with him just yet as he goes to the Hangover Breakfast at the clubhouse before he attends mass. I'm afraid he'd want me to go with him. Don't feel like mingling with some of those people right now.

I called George and told him a little about my situation. I fudged. I didn't tell him it was a transportation problem, only that I would not be able to volunteer today due to repairs being done around the apartment, which has some truth to it (I do need to catch the maintenance man for repairs when he comes to the apartments today.). I did, however, ask if he could put aside the bulletins that I needed and to ask Wynne about a keyboard.

"Next of Kin" is on. I've seen it a half dozen times. I think Patrick Swayze's pretty cool. He's not my favorite but I do like him okay. My favorite line in the movies is, "Do you believe in the here after? Then you know what I'm here after." I don't know. It might be the redneck in me. I'm not going to watch it though. I need to really work on these repairs. I've got an air conditioning unit that needs to have plastic put over it, a toilet with a broken handle, heater problems and a floor that needs the trim put on it. I was trying to get things fixed before Linda got here.

Have you ever had the feeling that God has given you just enough to get throught the day and nothing more? That's the way I feel sometimes. It makes sense really. I can't relive the past, it's gone, and the future isn't promised me. I have to live in today.

Well, yesterday I rearranged my workroom to accomodate a space for me to do my collage and scrapbooking. My cat, Alley, and I were having boundary problems. A small glass of tea wound up being tipped over and spilled into my keyboard. Keyboard is fried! I've borrowed one until after the holidays. Benefactor is gone for the holidays. All is not lost. I have two people that I will ask about a used keyboard.

Today Mom and I meet with her caseworker from Nashville. I have been in prayer about this. God's will be done. It's all I know to say.

Well, here I am a few hours removed from the afore mentioned meeting. Mom and I met with the caseworker from the Department of Mental Retardation and the assistant director of Impact. The psychological made mention of her having an IQ of 70 which puts her on the cusp of mental retardation. However, given her physical disabilities- poor eyesight and near deafness- I really do not feel that that score is accurate. Of course, I realize that my opinion is clouded by her being my mother but even as a special educator, I'd have to take those factors into consideration.

Mom came out in her true colors. They saw her independence and controlling nature. They saw her compassion and obsessive worrying. Due to the independence she exhibited the talk of a group home was dropped. It may turn out that she does not qualify for what they have to offer or it could be that she will back out of her decision to enlist their help. She has the right to change her mind.

Barry is on a waiting list but given Mom's age she was put ahead of him in priority. Mom and I filled the caseworker's ears about Barry though. He's drawing knives on her again. He used to do that sort of thing when we were younger. When I had a lot more fight in me I would stand toe to toe with him until he backed down. I'm not afraid of him. But I just don't have the fight in me any more. Hopefully, this moves Barry up on the waiting list. He does need some sort of group home environment. Although given what we told the caseworker about his violent streak, he could be turned down.

At any rate the assistant director and the caseworker enjoyed the interview with Mom and me. The caseworker called Mom "a hoot" and said she thought she was going to enjoy working with her.

Someone asked me about the poem that was in the blog on the 23rd. It came of my perpetual calendar. No author was given. I have no idea who wrote it. I've since looked it up on-line and found two other blogs that quote it but they didn't list an author either. I figure it was someone in recovery. "Just for Today..." is a trademark slogan of AA and Al-Anon.

Does anyone out there have experience dealing with parents who have become more like the child? I have fought the truth for so long about Mom's situation but a little while I ago I saw it up close and personal. I arrived at 10:30 and here I am less than an hour later at home. I just couldn't bear to watch any longer. I also had a hard time with my autistic brother.

The handwriting is on the wall. Both of them will wind up in some sort of group home or assistive living situation. Thursday Mom and I will meet with one of her caseworkers. Her diagnosis was radically changed from just bi-polar to mentally retarded. I'm not sure how all of this came about and I've fought that diagnosis but today I could see where they came up with it.

Back up plan? I should have arranged to spend Christmas some place else but I thought I could get through this. Now I'm at home wishing I'd just stayed here. Or maybe I should have gone with my gut instinct and had the meal here in my own home.

I feel the need to invent a family of my own. It feels kind of lonely right now.

Since this morning a few things have happened. First I talked to my best friend about it and she pointed out to me the sad truth. This is probably the last Christmas I'll have with my mother and brother in her house. It's very clear that something will have to be done. She could have burned the house down today if I had not been there to intervene. And Barry is clearly not taking his medication properly. She also told me that God has blessed me with a replacement mother in Marian and possibly a replacement brother. She was referring to Mike but he clearly does not want another sister. So, I've adopted the deacon as my older brother. Coincidentally, his name is Mike.

Second, Lois called here to wish me a Merry Christmas. Truthfully I think she was looking for someone to spend time with. I understand being new in town. I understand being lonely but I think it's more than that. I don't think she likes her own company. I used to be like that. I sympathize but I'm not willing to subject myself to being ridiculed just so that she has some entertainment.

Third, my Uncle Arvil and his extended family visited Mom this afternoon. A cousin fixed their cable that I had been down there working on before my brother totally lost it. He told them the same thing I did- there's a cord missing. Of course, coming from Butch's mouth it is gospel but coming from mine it was ignored. That gets to me. The expectations of my mother's family are so great when it comes to what they think I ought to be doing. I've practically been disowned because I don't live up to their expectations. I get tired of being the bad guy.

I hate being at odds with people but in this case I think I'm going to have to let them think what they will. I'd never be able to change their opinion of me any way. It makes me a little sad to think I am so disliked. I kind of feel like a person without a country. It's kind of odd because I had just decided to print out the Chapman family tree. Now, I'm wondering if that is such a good idea.

The wonderful things is that I'm back home in my sanctuary and I am at peace with the world more or less. Isn't that all that matters?

What Child is This?

What child is this who laid to rest
on Mary`s lap asleeping
whom angels breed with anthems sweet
while shepherds watch our keeping

This, this is christ the king
whom shepherds guard and angels sing

Haste, haste'll bring him laud
the babe the son of Mary

So bring him incense, bring him gold
come plesant king to him
The king of kings salvations brings
let loving hearts enthrone him

Raise, raise the son on high
the virgin sings a lullaby

Joy, joy for Christ is born
the babe was son of Mary

What child is this who laid to rest
on Mary`s lap asleeping
whom angels breed with anthems sweet
while shepherds watch our keeping

Raise, raise the son on high
the virgin sings a lullaby

Joy, joy for Christ is born
the babe was son of Mary

We sang this at mass tonight along with a hand full of Christmas carols. Man, we butchered "Away in the Manger". The pianist had the wrong tune going with it. And there were two versions of "What Child is This?" being sung at the same time. It was a joyful noise alright.

The holidays are hard for me. When I see the advertisments and view the movies about families gathered together it reminds me how dysfuctional mine can be. But see that's me comparing what I have to what others have. It's comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. While it's true that my family does not resemble a Rockwell painting or a Hallmark card, it does have its good points. We are loyal to each other to a fault and quick to forgive.

This year I want to focus on why we have Christmas in the first place. It's been a long time since I've done that.

I also take the time to acknowledge my blessings, to honor my Higher Power.

I have a stronger relationship with my God.
I have a spiritual home and I am welcomed.
My family wants me in their company. They seek me out.
I have fewer friends than before but they seem to be more solid friendships.
I have food to eat. My refrigerator is not overflowing but I have enough for now.
I have clean clothes to wear.
I have a telephone, a cell phone, and the internet so that I might be able to communicate with family and friends, ask for help or be of help.
I have heat and electricity.
I have cable.
I now have a DVD player for those nights when I can't find anything on cable to watch.
I still have a truck. That in itself is amazing.
I keep at least 1/4 tank of gas in it at all times. It seems to stretch a lot longer than the full tank used to.
I have a bike as an alternative form of transportation.
I have two legs that work so that I might pedal that bike or walk if I need to.
I have two cats for companionship so that I do not have to seek out others.
I have my self-esteem back. I no longer feel lost and less than a person.

I am immensly blessed.

Tonight the priest spoke about the night Jesus was born. He said it was anything but a silent night because Jesus was born into a war torn country. There was poverty and oppression everywhere. It was anything but calm. That got me to thinking about what my perpetual calendar had to say and all that has happened this year.

"Listen to the voice inside you...
it knows your dreams
and your endless possibilities."

What if the angel's herald was an internal voice? What if instead of hearing crystal clear angelic voices in a silent night, what they really heard was a quiet, still chorus of voices inside themselves? In that case another song makes more sense to me. The miracle of an angelic host appearing and singing would startle anyone. Those shepherds probably thought that they were losing it. They probably turned to each other and asked, "Do you see that? Did you hear that?" That would be human instinct. Just like when I heard my inner voice back in May. I questioned it, I argued with it, and yet I still followed.


Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the night wind to the little lamb,
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky, little lamb,
Do you see what I see
A star, a star, dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
Do you hear what I hear
Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy,
Do you hear what I hear
A song, a song, high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king,
Do you know what I know
In your palace warm, mighty king,
Do you know what I know
A Child, a Child shivers in the cold
Let us bring Him silver and gold
Let us bring Him silver and gold

Said the king to the people everywhere,
Listen to what I say
Pray for peace, people everywhere!
Listen to what I say
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light

Just for today...

Breathe deep. Talk slow.
Walk soft. Let go.
Give big. Take less.
Don't count- just guess.
Fix old. Learn new.
Hear clear. Tell true.
Look wise. Think long.
Laugh loud. Sing strong.
Be kind. Act fair.
Plan bold. Try prayer.
Do peace. Dream far.
Feel loved. You are!

This is the message on my perpetual calendar this morning. Appropriate, don't you think? To me it sort of summarizes the holiday season. It's not about what you get, it's what you give. It's not about the gifts, it's about why we celebrate Christmas. We're honoring the birth of our savior. To me the best way to do that is to emmulate Him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Children See Him

As sung by James Taylor

Some children see Him lily white,
The baby Jesus born this night.
Some children see Him lily white,
With tresses soft and fair.
Some children see Him bronzed and brown,
The Lord of heav'n to earth come down.
Some children see Him bronzed and brown,
With dark and heavy hair.

Some children see Him almond-eyed,
This Savior whom we kneel beside.
Some children see Him almond-eyed,
With skin of yellow hue.
Some children see Him dark as they,
Sweet Mary's Son to whom we pray.
Some children see him dark as they,
And, ah! they love Him, too!

The children in each different place
Will see the baby Jesus' face
Like theirs, but bright with heavenly grace,
And filled with holy light.
O lay aside each earthly thing
And with thy heart as offering,
Come worship now the infant King.
'Tis love that's born tonight!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Open the Eyes to my Heart

As sung by Michael W. Smith

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see You high and lifted up
Shinin' in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see You high and lifted up
Shinin' in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy

(Repeat two more times)

Holy, holy, holy
We cry holy, holy, holy
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to see you

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to see you

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy,
I want to see you
(Repeat five more times)


I just finished watching CMT's 20 Greatest Songs of Faith. It was an awesome program. I just wish that there had been less talking and more singing. It reminded me of my childhood. Daddy was particularly into music and exposed to every genre that there was. We went to gospel singings every chance we got. I remember going to see the Seago Brothers and Naomi. The song I remember most of theirs was "Looking for a City." Years later it would be sung at East Hill Church of Christ. I remember that only two of us stepped up to sing it when the song leader introduced it- myself and the preacher's wife. I remember watching the Gospel Jubilee on Sunday mornings while getting ready for church. My favorite song was, "Swing Low" and I knew all the words. I especially loved it when my father chimed in with me. He had a beautiful bass voice.

Is it any wonder that my Higher Power speaks to me in music, poetry and other artistic expression? It is how He spoke to me in my youth. It is what I understand.

There's another thing I thought of in reference to the two songs. God's been really telling me for more than a year that He is in everyone I meet. He tells me that I must accept myself, love myself, so that I may love and accept others.

Last night Linda and I spoke about what I had inherited from my mother, the parent I considered the weaker vessel. My father was extremely prejudice and judgmental. Mom to a certain degree could be judgmental but generally it was not about what others would think of me but that I was not living up to my potential. Mom has always accepted people for who they are- black, white, yellow, red, Muslim, Buddist, Catholic, Baptist, sexual orientation,disability, etc. Mom never looked at the outside. She always looked beyond it to what was in the heart. She always told me that it was what was on the inside that mattered. Linda says that is the greatest gift that I inherited from my mother.

My mother has recently been diagnosed as mentally retarded. Her physical ailments and over medication have taken their toll on her. Now those who are able to place labels on others have given her this label. It was my job last year to break it to her. I have never had such a heart wrenching job to do. It almost killed me and it hurt her feelings tremendously. In the next few days a caseworker from Nashville will attempt to convince my mother that she needs to go live in a group home with mentally retarded women or work in a sheltered workshop with other mentally retarded people. It will be another nail in her coffin. It scares me so. Thankfully it will come after Christmas. Only I know what is to come and it puts such a damper on the holidays but it makes me more inclined than ever to try to make it through a holiday in her home. I spent roughly two hours down there Thanksgiving and I'm going to try to stretch it even further.

Tonight Elyce called with more talk of Calvin this and Calvin that. I talked her down. We got the focus back on her. But it brought of memories of the me that I was that I would rather have not revisited. My anger and the things I did in my anger came to the forefront. My codependence and the things I did to fill that God-shaped hole were also brought to mind. My tears and the depression that I've felt as a result of these things also were remembered. Rather than feel shame and guilt for my past behavior I choose to be grateful that I am in a better place. I have been making amends in the best way that I know how.

Shift gears- I bought a very cheap DVD player last week for myself for Christmas. I had not gotten it out of the box because I thought about returning it. But when I went to look in the bag I realized that I had not saved my receipt and would be unable to return it. Perhaps God is telling me that I deserved the present. It's not the same VCR/DVD combination that I was force to pawn but it is a means for me to watch DVDs. Returning it might net me a few bucks but they wouldn't stretch very far. I won't fill guilty for purchasing it.

Experience, Strength and Hope comes from the oddest of places.

Elyce and I were reminiscing about how we met. First I call Elyce "Nefertiti" because she reminds me of the busts I've seen of the ancient Egyptian queen. She's beautiful and carries herself gracefully. We met when our ex-husbands were incarcerated. I reconnected with her at the first Al-Anon assembly that I went to. It's odd when I remember it today because I wasn't supposed to be at the assembly. I was not a GR. There was just this overwhelming sense of me having to be present. Here we are today still talking. In fact, we talk daily either on-line or on the telephone. Neither of us kept in touch with anyone else we met in Tiptonville. It's very odd.

Then I look at my friendship with Linda. We met at the first Al-Anon convention I ever attended. She was this wild child who made everyone laugh with her antics. Everyone in District 15 thought she was an alcoholic. I've since gotten to know her really well. She has become my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her.

There are others in recovery who mean as much to me. Some would have crossed my path years ago if one or both of us had taken a different fork in the road. But to think I would never have met them if I had not married Joey. I have a lot to thank him for.

Right now I have this terribly neurotic cat sitting next to me at the computer. She's purring loudly and rubbing up against my keyboard and begging to be petted. But when I reach to hold her, she hisses, bites and scratches at me. She is so much like me that it is pathetic. We're both skeptical of people. Is that fear talking? Or is it caution? Hard to say. At any rate I do identify with my cat today.

It just struck me that the two women I described above are very much like this cat and me. We've been hurt several times and we are reluctant to trust again. It's a good thing we found each other. I don't know what might have happened if we hadn't.

Clash of the Choirs

I wanted to say something about that last night but Linda called and I stopped typing.

Blake Shelton's choir was incredible. He came into the competition as the dark horse and made it to the final three. I have always gone for the underdog who has the talent. He did three things on Wednesday that caused me to sit up and take notice. First, the song "Home" is one that was on the recovery CD that Ellen Kelly made me two years ago. It was one of those songs that I played over and over. That CD is in the CD player of the black truck that sits on Gibson Brother's parking lot because I can not pay them what I owe and it doesn't run. Second, they chose a spiritual Christmas song to sing rather than a secular one. They were the only choir that did. Third, the song they sang was "Joy to the World". They took Three Dog Night's version and peppered it in with the spiritual one. I had just blogged about those two songs days ago. It was synchronicity. I could add in a fourth component- their coreography was simple and yet it accentuated their choice in songs. It was such a travesty that they did not win. They battled an ice storm in Oklahoma to get there.

Now - I have an analogy to make about Clash of the Choirs. Sorry. The movie title, "Clash of the Titans" just popped in my mind as I sat down. I had been thinking about Linda's visit and her attempt to mend fences between Mac and me. I guess I kind of see he and I as Titans. We're not going to be budged. I don't hate him and I pretty much forgave him but I can't go back into a friendship where I'm walking on egg shells. He's as unpredictable as Joey. He became Joey for me. I just can't go back to that. He has no idea what his words and actions did to me. In some ways his behavior hurt worse than Joey's did probably because I didn't see it coming. I saw Joey's coming before it hit. I don't even like being in the same building with Mac any more. It hurts that badly for me. It's not that I enjoy this. I really wish I could get past it but I haven't been able to. This wound just hasn't healed yet.

But I feel that there are reasons for all of this to happen. It cleared a path for me spiritually because I took my focus off worrying over his sobriety and put it on what was in front of me. It also caused me to turn back toward my biological family and mend those fences. That really does need to be done first.

Intuition

As sung by Jewel

La la la la
La di da da
La di da da
La da

I'm just a simple girl
In a high tech digital world
I really try to understand
All the powers that rule this land
They say Miss J's big butt is boss
Kate Moss can't find a job
In a world of post modern fad
What was good now is bad

It's not hard to understand
Just follow this simple plan

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
Is easy to find
Just follow your heart, baby

You look at me
but you're not quite sure
Am I it or could you get more
You learn cool from magazines
You learn love from Charlie Sheen

If you want me let me know
I promise I won't say no

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
Is easy to find
Just follow your heart, baby

You got something that you wantin' me to sell
Sell your sin
Just cash in
You got something that you wantin' me to tell
You'll love me
Wait and see

If you want me
Don't play games
I promise
It won't be in vain
Uh, uh, uh

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
Is easy to find
Just follow your heart, baby

Just follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
Makes it easy to find
Just follow your heart, baby

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
Is easy to find
Just follow your heart, baby

*************************************************************************************

Home

As sung by Marc Broussard

Rolling down the road
Going no where
Guitar packed in the trunk
Somewhere round mile marker 112
Papa started hummin the funk
I gotta jones in my bones before we know
We were singing this melody
Stop the car pulled out the guitar
Halfway to New Orleans

Said take me home
Take me home

Could feel the sun about to rise
When I realized we ad nothing to fear
It's just me and my daddy and a kid named Cope
Making music that nobody would hear
And then the sun let up and it split the night

Said take me home
Take me home
Said take me home
Said take me home

This greyhound is delta bound mama
Baby boy done finally found
Said this greyhound is delta bound mama
Said take me home

Hot damn you should have felt the groove
Like I was swimming in a sea of soul
The sun was rising and the day was hot
And we was all about to lose control
My daddy turned his face up towards the sky
And I knew that there was nothing to lose
I felt the crow breathe in and I closed my eyes
And we disappeared into the groove

Said take me home
Said take me home
Take me home
Said take me home

Straight from the water
Straight from the water children
[repeat]
You don't know nothing about this

Take me home
Said take me home
[repeat]

*************************************************************************************

No More Drama

As sung by Mary J. Blige

So tired, tired of these drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired

Broken heart again
Another lesson learn
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burn
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

What a player fool
Go through ups and downs
Nowhere and all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But there was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin everynight)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Avoid these drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So bye your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story is
For me, but I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whatever we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning)
No drama, no more in my life

No more drama, no more drama
No more drama, no more drama
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of these drama


I watched the Clash of the Choirs the last two nights. I think the voting was rigged. I really thought Blake Shelton's choir should have won.

Love is in the air!

I'm not sure where my conversation with Marian was going last night. I learned a lot more about Mike. She's shared with me that he was once chased by two women- one she liked, the other one she didn't care for. Not sure why she told me any of that. I'm not chasing him. If I were, I'd be calling him, e-mailing him and generally finding some reason to be in Loretto almost every day. I like him. I think he's an adorable hunk of man but he is definitely not interested in me. So, why chase him? It's not a sure thing. If he'd take me up on one of my invitations it might be different, but he doesn't. So, it's best to leave it alone. Besides I'm through doing the one sided thing.

I will say that my conversation with Marian looks a lot like the Hazelden reading for today. And there's a quote from ACIM! How's that for synchronicity?

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

To give and to receive are one in truth.
--A Course in Miracles

Giving our love away, honoring someone in need by giving our full attention, will usually bring kindness and concern in return. And unkindness and neglect on our part are likely to result in the same from others. We will usually elicit that which we've so thoughtfully or thoughtlessly given.

Not many elements in our life are so fully in our control as how we choose to treat other people. There are few among us who aren't moved by another's expression of pure, unconditional love. We are humbled by it and feel valued. We can honor the existence of our fellow travelers by our open, willing love for them too.

We need to feel appreciated. And yet, to express appreciation is such a simple act, one that has profound effects for all concerned. Acts of kindness multiply very quickly; we contribute to a world favoring our true humanity when we give out loving thoughts even as we receive them.

I will extend the hand of love to a friend today and thus help to make a better world.
From: In God's Care


Went to lunch with the Three Muskateers- Lisa, Mary Jo and Vicki- and two new muskateers showed up- Armecia and Tereasa. It was fun. I'm always glad to see my friends.


Hands (Christmas version)

As sung by Jewel

In the end only kindess matters
In the end
ah mmmmmmmmmm ah

If I could tell the worldjust one thing
It would be that we're all okay
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I'll gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

Chorus
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours
They are my own
But they're not yours
They are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We will fight not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right

'Cause when there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

Chorus

'Cause in the end only kindness matters
in the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

Chorus x 2

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's hands
We are God's eyes
We are God's eyes
We are reflections of God
God's hands
We are reflections of God
we are God's eyes
We are reflections of God

Confused

As sung by Natalie Brown

I feel a challenge in my soul today
Questioning things I believed in so firmly yesterday
How can I have faith in myself and what I feel to be true
When the next day I feel my heart and mind telling me something new
Something is challenging my perceptions
And what I'm going through is hard
And I admit, right now, I'm not okay. So...

Chorus
Right now, I am confused
Right now, I don't exactly know what to choose
This day feels so unlike the rest
Right now, I am confused

I feel a burden in my spirit today
Feels like I'm grappling for the truth
Don't understand the decisions that I made while in my youth
In my mind I know I gotta live with what I've chosen
But in my heart I struggle
'Cuz I can't live with a heart that's frozen
Inside my heart and soul just want to fly

Bridge
All my question came too late
I don't get a chance to re-evaluate
Can not bear to live with choices I made
Gonna make a change
Feel a change in my soul today
Gonna let the past fade away
Won't be confused no more

When did we stop looking at the world around us with a child-like wonder? What happened to our bottomless well of imagination?

When I was a child I remember walking to the bus stop, especially on cold mornings like this one, hearing the crunch of the frozen earth beneath my shoes. I would marvel at the mist that came from my own mouth as my breath met the cold air. I used to imagine that I was trudging through the frozen Artic. I could go on expeditions to study polar bears or penguins. Maybe it was because cold mornings like that were rare in Georgia. I don't know.

I also remember standing at that same bus stop and gazing in the distance at a clump of trees and imagining that I saw giants or Greek gods. How many times did I lay in the grass, looking up at the clouds, to spot an elephant or a car or a clown in the sky? Do kids do that any more?

Last night I felt validated, redeemed. It was a very interesting chain of events. First I was sitting in my living room watching "French Kiss" on television- I used to love Meg Ryan's work- when Ruby called to see if I was coming to the AA Christmas party. I'm no longer in the loop over there. I had no idea that it was time for their party nor did I care. I don't want to do anyone's inventory, but that recovery community hasn't been the same since last October when the board members did their stuff. So, I turned her down. Second, I went to get my family earlier than I'd said I was going to. We rode around and viewed the Christmas lights in town. Then we went to Sonic and got ourselves a milk shake. There was a brief pit stop at my apartment and then we went on to The Martin to view "August Rush."

Now, here is where I was validated and redeemed. It began with "French Kiss" or should I say it began with an e-mail exchange with a phantom and the movie. Meg Ryan has been ditched by her fiancee for a French goddess he's met in Paris. She battles fear of flying and goes to win him back. She witnesses his behavior with the said goddess, is robbed, and tricked into some major theft by three different men. Thus, she comes to the conclusion that all men are bastards. In the process of trying to recover something he has planted in her duffle bag, one of these men sets out to prove her wrong. He even helps her win back the fiancee only for her to discover that she no longer wants him. I guess what I got out of that movie was that sometimes we think we want something that isn't right for us. We believe we are in love when we are actually only infatuated with the idea of "happily ever after". True love actually has flaws. It is in overlooking the flaws and accepting people as they really are that we truly love.

Then came "August Rush"- my childhood was redeemed. I don't know who wrote the screen play but they must have lived inside my head at one time. This child prodigy heard music all around him, just as I did at one time. His child-like wonder and faith that he'd find his parents was touching. He lived amid all kinds of bad things and came out untouched by it all. I felt in some ways as if I was reliving my childhood. But it also put me in mind of Q. I pray that he and his brothers are okay. I want them to be clean, well fed, and have a safe place to play and rest. My heart aches for this lost child. I hope that he will one day find his way back to our school. I want to know that he is okay. I fear that he will be one of those children that we read about in the paper one day. But perhaps "August Rush" is a sign of things to come for Q, too. He, too, is a prodigy. He is able to draw phenomenal things.

The best thing was that I had quality time with my mother and brother- I did not have to go looking for companionship among people that make me uncomfortable. We spent hours in each other's company without getting aggitated with each other. And we also learned of a local theater that we can afford in town- The Martin.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The gifts we receive are meant to be shared.

Thanks to the progress I am making in recovery, I like to think I am more loving, more open, more spontaneous, more confident. I believe these gifts have come to me through my Higher Power, the Twelve Steps, and the friends who have helped me grow.

If I am to keep the gifts, I must share them. They are mine as long as I give them away. To do that I need to realize we're all working toward a similar goal: that of developing our potential and becoming who we are meant to be. We help each other toward this goal by sharing our experience, strength, and hope.

Close, warm, loving contacts with my family and friends are what feed my heart and spirit and fill the inner emptiness. When I am willing to share the gifts I have received, I always have enough, because what I give comes back to me.

I will take advantage of today's opportunities for caring and sharing, remembering that my recovery depends not on what I have but on what I give.
From: Inner Harvest


Giving. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? I've been shopping this morning. I finally got Mom and Barry's gifts bought. I did not spend as much on them this year as I did last year. I have Mary Jo, Vicki and Lisa's for our luncheon on Wednesday. I have Jennifer, Stephanie, Kim and Roosevelt's for Monday. I have my secret pal a large home made fruit basket. I have Kristopher, Korben, Samantha, and Taylor's ready. I have Linda's ready to be sent in the mail or for her to open. I feel like I've spent a ton of money. Christmas shouldn't be about spending money. I wish I'd stuck with my original idea of cooking treats for people. I just didn't have enough time.

I'm going to the movies with Mom and possibly my brother tonight. I've got supper with Marian on Tuesday and lunch with the girls on Wednesday. I feel like I'm treating myself to Christmas this way.

I paid on my truck and the cashier messed it up. I'll have to go back on Monday to correct her. I've bought a few groceries. Need to go back to the store. I'm okay for now. I've got bean soup in the crock pot. It should be done in time for supper. I'll make some cornbread to go with it.

I haven't paid rent or the other pressing bills yet. I'll catch them on Monday, too. Then I'll be pinching pennies a little bit. But that's okay. I feel blessed that I have as much as I do. I just need to make sure I have enough groceries, money to do laundry and maybe gas for the truck. Other than that, I'm right as rain.

I did clear up something with Mike. I don't bother him. Couldn't figure out I was any way. I rarely e-mail him and it's extremely rare that we cross each other's path. From now on when someone tells me something pertaining to someone else I'm going to the other person. It just keeps misunderstandings from occurring.

Ordinary Miracle

As sung by Sarah McLachlan


It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

The sky knows when it’s time to snow,
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow,
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you every day
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own love.

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Birds are meant to have their flame
They always make it home on spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
‘Cause we are all a part of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle,
Do you want to see a miracle?

It seems so exceptional
The things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

The sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

It’s just another ordinary miracle today.


I think miracles happen every day. In fact I think the miracle might be that we each see God in humanity.

Go see August Rush.

"Don't take things personally.
Nothing others do is because of you.
What others say and do is them."

This is one of the Four Agreements. I recite this to myself every so often when I feel slighted or like I've just been zinged. I have to tell myself this a lot while I'm at school.

"How important is it?" This is the slogan I hate the most because it is the one that Jane robotically chanted at me when she was my sponsor. I used to wish she'd choke on those words. But today I ask myself the same thing when others around me are getting bent out of shape. I also hear my inner voice say, "Let go and let God." Sometimes I think it's the antidepressants doing their job and at other times I think it is that I now have a program of some sort. It could be a combination of things.

I'm practicing self-care a lot these days. That extends to finances as well as health. But it also has a lot of assertiveness to it, too. It's about knowing my limitations and when I've stretched myself to my limit.

The holidays can be a time where I overextend myself in finances and in health. Today I'm a little more focused and determined to live within my means. It will mean doing without some things and not getting some people presents. I gave out Christmas cards to everyone I could remember and still I ran out of cards at work. But I went easy on myself. Rather than kicking myself for the oversight I let myself off the hook. I'm new to this school. I still don't have names for each of the faces yet. How could I possibly remember everyone?

Linda had teased me about my getting a Christmas card from my ex. I had kind of dismissed that. I felt I'd get one from his father first because that's the way it's gone the last two years. But I was wrong. Joey sent me a card from the both of them. It included a rather sad letter about his dad's perdicament. I really feel that it was an attempt for him to evoke some sort of reaction in me. I used to rush right out and try to fix things. Today I know that I am under no obligation to do anything and that I am barely able to take care of self. Charity begins at home. Right now, charity begins with me. I'm trying to decide if I want to respond to the letter or not. I've got a Christmas card already addressed to him. I don't think I owe him a letter of any kind.

I was going to go to a basketball game tonight but I ran out of energy about noon today. I'm rather tired and still not 100%. About all I managed to do after school was deposit my check, get gas, buy groceries and something for supper. I will tackle everything else tomorrow and Monday. I've invited my family to go with me to the movies. We're going to go see August Rush at The Martin. I'd ask someone else but I get kind of tired of being turned down. So, I choose to ask those that I know want to be in my company- my mother and brother. We'll call it quality family time.

Like sand through the hour glass so are the days of our lives.

That's the opening statement to one of the most popular soap operas on television. I used to watch that one and a few others but I find that my life today is a soap opera all its own. I don't need to watch it on television. I live in it or I should say that I sidestep it now.

I thought of that as I looked at what my perpetual calendar said today:

"Forever" is too big for us.
That's why we were given
one day at a time.

It's funny how the mind works. I got up this morning with my eyes matted together and my nose all crusted over. Lovely. I was a sight to behold. Normally I would have cleaned up and got ready for work. But this morning I opted to stay home. I don't know. Maybe all those readings on self-care from the Al-Anon daily readers finally sunk in. I decided it was better for me to get the rest my body needed rather than go to work and hack all over everyone.

I used to look at the clock throughout the day when I took time off and worry about whether or not my classroom was still in tact but today I chose not to. I chose to focus on the moment. Isn't that what the slogan "One Day at a Time" teaches us to do?

And the theme continues. Here is the Hazelden reading I received today:

Living in the Present

One day at a time,
This is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past.
For it is gone. . .
And do not be troubled about the future.
For it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful.
That it will be worth remembering.
From The Twelve Step Prayer Book, Volume 2.

Gratitude list for today:


A- Absent children (all of the adults in the classroom are sick- it helps to have a few children out)
B- Breaks
C- Chocolate, cats
D- Dreaming
E- E-mail
F- Family, flyswatters
G- God
H- Hope
I- Internet
J- Jennifer
K- Kim, Kristopher
L- Linda, Lisa
M- Marian, Mary Jo
N- Nyquil
O- Optimism
P- Perseverance
Q- Quedarrius (I miss him)
R- Radio
S- Stephanie
T- Television
U- Umbrella
V- Vicki
W- Water
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


When I came in here this morning I turned over the perpetual calendar to see what it said but it held such a heart wrenching message for me that I dismissed it. All I could think about was how rotten I felt.

It reads:

Whom will I entertain today
in the privacy of my heart?
Are Love and Kindness welcomed in,
will Judgment play a part?
We hold the invitations,
and the guests are ours to choose.
There are those who bring us inner peace
and those who just confuse.
So, as you close your eyes tonight before you drift away,
Just take the time to ask,
"Whom did I entertain today?"

Well, of course I entertained thoughts of Q today. I miss his obsessive carrying on. I never thought I'd say that. We were making great strides. He and I had this wierd bond. But I've gotten over the initial shock and anger toward his mother for taking him to Florida. It's not something I have control over, so I let it go. I pray that angels will protect him wherever he is now. He's a good kid. I know that he is a child of God and will be okay. I have a sense of peace about him. I know my prayers will be heard.

I entertained thoughts of someone I've know now for two years. The actual thought that came to mind was the night that Sybil spoke at the Betterway House. Mike sat right in the middle of the audience, so straight and so quiet. I'd just told him about missing my friend Mark and how sad I felt that I was not around when he died. I remembered the Thursday nights that Mike attended meetings in Pulaski. I never could quite figure out why he traveled all the way over here for meetings. On the one hand I thought he was interested in an AA member but I never really saw them speak to each other. He confuses me. So often I ask God to take away thoughts and feelings that I might have for him. Today was no exception.

Another thought I had was about the Macbeth soliliquy (I'm not sure I spelled that right) about a yellow leaf falling into the sear. I was ripping the pages out of the Missouri Conservationalist magazines I have in the room, looking for pictures and phrases for collage and scrap booking. Several things caught my eye and I remembered the exchange that he and I had about that one speech. I thought about making him something along those lines but I knew that he would not appreciate it.

Today I am at peace with myself, as I have been for a few months now. I don't think it is the antidepressants. I think it is like the recovery card I found on-line today says- serenity comes from loving yourself.

I don't worry so much about what others are doing or thinking. It's a struggle but I can detach. I confided in my sponsor last night about how I think it is a shame that the people who do my inventory the most are those that know me the least. But it's okay with me today. I know where I stand. I still have problems and I have ignored some of them. But at the first of the year I will begin addressing them again.

The Orchestra Song

An Austrian Folk song
From the movie You've Got Mail

Violins:
The violins ringing like lovely singing.
The violins ringing like lovely song.

Clarinets:
The clarinet, the clarinet
Goes doodle doodle doodle doodle dat.
The clarinet, the clarinet
Goes doodle doodle doodle dat.

Trumpets:
The trumpet is braying,
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.

Horns:
The horn, the horn
Awakes me at morn.
The horn, the horn
Awakes me at morn.

Drums:
The drums playing two tones
They're always the same tones.
The drums playing two tones.
They're always the same.


For some reason this song popped into my head just now as I read my e-mail from Kenny. I had asked why it was that Mac and Mike seem to want to do my inventory. His response was that this was a good opportunity to practice detachment and leave them alone. I've been actually practicing detachment for some time now from both of them. Periodically I do e-mail Mike but not like I used to. It's very obvious to me that the paradox would rather I disappeared. For some reason or other I bother him. Mac, on the other hand, seems to constantly be reaching out to me. I am tired of the preachy e-mail messages with hidden meaning. I would much rather he talk to me directly and say what is on his mind. But last night I had made a decision to walk away from him. I'd pretty much been doing that for some time.

I'm not sure that these men are friends with each other. It really doesn't matter to me any more. I just would rather not be put in the middle of their stuff.

I think the reason that the song popped into my head is because we each represent a diffent instrument in this orchestra we call life. It's kind of funny to me actually. We're all the same and yet we are each very different. I haven't pondered the reasoning behind either of these men in months. Frankly, I would rather keep it that way. One has still not discovered the meaning of boundaries and the other sets them too rigid. At any rate I have been where they are minus the active alcholism.

Oh, I miss my friendships but I suspect I never actually had a friendship with one of these men and have yet to begin one with the other.

For the record I am not a hermit and I can prove it (not that I really need to prove anything). First of all I do get out of my cave and I participate in life with other people. Last Friday night my brother took me out for supper. Saturday my mother treated me to supper. I have managed to make friends where I worship. I also have a few friends left in the recovery community who allow me to be myself and want my company- Ruby called me Sunday night to make sure I went to a meeting.

This weekend I have plans to attend a basketball game at GCHS, go see a movie at The Martin, and shop for the remainder of my Christmas gifts. Next week I will meet Marian for supper, do lunch with Vicki, Mary Jo and Lisa. Mom and I are planning our Christmas meal. Linda is coming up for New Year's Eve.

I have a life. I just choose who it is that I interact with and where I go. I have options.

The topic for today seems to be risk and change.

My perpetual calendar says,

We make our own ruts.
Change your direction just a little today.
Have a bagel instead of toast
or tea instead of coffee...
drive home on a different route...
learn something new-
and take time to savor the difference.

Then the online Al-Anon group topic is "What risk have you taken this year and what changes have come as a result?" Here is my share on that:

First of all, Dawn, thank you for such a thought provoking topic. I had several unusual thoughts pop in my head. The Frank Sinatra song, "I Did My Way", came to mind. Then the movie, "Risky Business". And last, the Sherly Crow song, "Change Will Do You Good." Before you ask, I have no idea what any of those thoughts really mean.

This has been a year of growth for me. I began 2007 with a lot of reservations. Things weren't going well for me. I'd begun to see a lot of changes and most of them were for the worst. But the thing is that none of those changes were necessarily with me, I was merely reacting again to the alcoholic behavior around me. My gut reaction at the time was to reclaim my life, to break free from the insanity.

I sought out a church home, returning first to what I knew before I came into Al-Anon, but instead found sanctuary in a totally different denomination. I've also become more aware of my Higher Power and how He truly can be everywhere.

I've learned what love is and isn't. I've lost a lot of friends. At times I wasn't even sure I had any. But existing friendships that survived this chaotic year have grown stronger. I've made new friends that appear to be a little more stable. Some friendships have come from this online group. I've learned to accept myself and others.

I began to work on getting my health back on an even keel. During the first three months of the year I went swimming three days a week at a recreation center with an indoor pool. I discovered that I could walk for exercise if I was wearing the right shoes for my poor diabetic feet. I bought a ten speed bicycle to use as an alternative transportation. I'd never owned a ten speed before and I'm a little intimidated by it. It's also been such a long time since I rode a bike that having a helmet on feels like an impediment. LOL

I changed jobs. I make a LOT less but I'm happier. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. There are a lot of challenges but I feel capable of facing them.

I battled major depression and found a support system vastly different from the one I once had. As a friend of mine says, "It was just God and me" at times. But I now have therapy sessions, RCIA classes for spiritual growth, online meetings, and telephone meetings in addition to f 2f meetings.

I grew in Al-Anon. I stepped up to the microphone at an assembly, trembling and scared, but that old coping mechanism, anger, kept me in tact. I stepped down as GR of my home group because I just couldn't represent such a sick group. I seek my meetings elsewhere while still calling that my home. I pray that serenity will once again find its way to that group of people. And I agreed to chair online meetings even though it is new to me.

I learned to Let Go and Let God. I learned to reach out for help. I let go of pride. I stepped out in faith (without a net). I found strength and serenity. I found myself.

On second thought, maybe I do know why those songs and that movie popped into my head. It was my Higher Power talking to me.

*************************************************************************************

I went to a meeting tonight at my home group but only because Ruby called to see if I was coming. I'm glad I did. I got to see someone else frustrated with the responsibility of the group. Lois was having a tough time. I also got to see someone who wanted an Al-Anon meeting. Ruby really wanted one.

I thought again about that sign that is on the wall of the AA room. I don't know the exact words but it goes something like this: "Lord, let me remember how to laugh but never let me forget that I cried." So tonight as I chaired because no one else wanted to, our topic was facing the past or remembering the past. Prior to that I'd been focused on the slogan, "Let it begin with me." I guess in a sense I put that to work tonight by letting my own recovery begin with myself rather than focusing on the inventory of those around me.

Tonight I have serenity because I have been minding my own business. When I expressed the amount of serenity I had by enjoying my own company, Lois called me a hermit. I'm not a hermit. I prefer to believe that I have finally begun seeking God to fill that hole inside of me rather than other people or things. I feel blessed.

I was thinking about a song and found the lyrics:

Let There Be Peace on Earth

Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me
Let There Be Peace on Earth
The peace that was meant to be

With God as our Father
Brothers all are we
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.

With ev'ry step I take
Let this be my solemn vow
To take each moment and live
Each moment in peace eternally
Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me
Let There Be Peace on Earth
The peace that was meant to be

With God as our Father
Brothers all are we
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now

With ev'ry step I take
Let this be my solemn vow
To take each moment and live
Each moment in peace eternally
Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me

Joy to the World

As sung by Three Dog Night

Jeremiah was a bullfrog
He was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine.

Chorus
Singin' joy to the world, now
All the boys and girls, now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Everybody sing it: Joy to the world, now
All the boys and girls, now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

If I were the King of the world
Tell you what I'd do
Throw away the cars and the bars and the wars
And make sweet love to you
Just make sweet love to you.

Chorus

You know I love the ladies
Love to have their fun
I'm a high night flier and a rainbow rider
A straight-shootin' son of a gun.
Yeah, I'm a straight shootin' son of a gun.

Chorus

Everybody sing it: Joy to the world, now
All the boys and girls, now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me.

Ah, yeah. It'll be all right...


I've got a few thoughts this morning. Most of them relate to this song and another one by the same title.

When I was a little girl, my family attended the First United Methodist Church in Manchester, Georgia. I was an extremely shy little girl and my mother wanted me to get over some of that. So she was constantly forcing me to be the joiner. I endured a few years of Girl Scouts and I was in the church choir. I love to sing but I am not a singer by any stretch of the imagination. When I was a little girl my brother and I would mess around with our father's tape recorder. We would record our silly antics. Barry could make the sounds of all the animals and some electronic devices. I sang. For a long time we had my butchered version of the Christmas song, "Joy to the World".

I have another memory of the song. This time it is a memory about the song by Three Dog Night. I grew up in a trailer park. There were very few girls to play with. So, I spent most of my time playing with the boys next door- Joel and Steve Armstrong. Steve was my childhood sweetheart. He was covered in warts but he was my Prince Charming. My brother will tell stories about Steve and I sneeking off to kiss. His brother, Joel, was a perverted soul and was generally a bully. But at one time we were an imaginary rock band. We used to pretend that we were performing for an audience and "Joy to the World" was our song. "Locomotion", "Delta Dawn", and the Osmond's "Yo-yo" were also in our porfolio.

When "28 Days" came out with Sandra Bullock, I was able to reminisce about those days. Today I find myself thinking about it because of some defunked friendship. I guess I get that as Jeremiah being called a friend.

I learned that I had friends I wasn't aware of, today. Before mass began, the deacon pulled me into his office and handed me money. He fussed at me a little bit and told me to go get the right front tire fixed as it was showing metal. He was the one who came to my rescue two weeks ago when I had a flat. We talked about the obstacles I had endured the previous week while in the RCIA class. He knew of my financial situation. I was not expecting help. I would not have asked for it. I think he knew that. I have no idea if the money came out of his own pocket or the parish treasury. I'm eternally grateful and humbled. I was in tears as I set through mass. Although I did not find a tire place open within my price range I will be getting that tire fixed on Monday after school.

The love continued. Mom called me while I was volunteering at the library. She invited me to eat out with her and my brother- her treat. Good thing. I had not had much to eat today. I wasn't hungry until about the time for me to go and pick them up.

I feel blessed and loved today.

Synchronicity

I think God's trying to tell me something. These are the messages I got today. I only have one problem with them- I don't feel I owe an amends to any one. I feel that several are owed to me. Of course, I know when you expect an amends you never get one. At any rate I'm putting on here the e-mails I got today.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

...All things... that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.
--Matthew 7:12

In the midst of active addiction, the drug dictates how we relate to others: on good days, overly cautious, boastful, and effusive; on bad days, nasty, negative, rude, sometimes cruel. Recovery means being aware that others are affected by our behavior. And that only abstinence grants us the freedom to choose our actions.

When we first go into recovery, we are terrified by the openness we feel emotionally. We often feel wide open to others. We don't have the drugs to hide behind. We don't have a way to manipulate our moods and to make sure we are acting in the "right" manner. It is a new feeling, and often frightening, to realize that our moods have been so manipulated by our using.

But as our spiritual life grows, we find a new peace. We learn to trust ourselves and others in a new way. With the help of our Higher Power and others in recovery, we become confident that our love and good intentions are lasting. Our love, joy, and sharing are beginning to seem real, and straight from the heart. Soon, we will feel proud of the way we treat others.

Today give me the courage to treat other people the way I would like to be treated.
From Body, Mind and Spirit by Anonymous

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"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

This was written by a Metro Denver Hospice Physician:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening when I got stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast into a gas station; glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart " building, and she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump. I got out to see if she was okay.

When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome more by sobs than her fall; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up. I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.

At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95.

I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying " I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."

I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fuelling, walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.

She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent and finally, in desperation, had called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there.

So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.

I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"

This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people."

It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Psalm 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

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A COURSE IN MIRACLES
WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES

Lesson 168: "Your grace is given me. I claim it now."

Thinking I am an individual, separate from my brothers and from God, is a mistake. Thinking my brothers are their bodies or their personalities is a mistake. Believing in separation is a mistake. This mistake will continue until I accept and claim God's grace. It is through God's grace that I receive the means for laying down these illusions, these mistakes. So my focus now is on claiming the grace that God has given me.

God has already given me the means by which I lay illusions down. But I have to be willing to claim God's gift. That is my job now. Because I am so familiar with mistaken thinking, I need to return again and again to opening to God's gift. As I claim God's gift, I receive it. As I receive God's gift, the Light I receive causes my false ideas to disappear. When the false ideas disappear, the effect of holding onto those false ideas also disappears. I am then able to see the Light behind the masks of individual personalities and individual bodies. I am able to focus on the truth instead of the lies of separation.

In this stage of my awakening, I seem to wobble back and forth between making illusions real and remembering the truth that all is one in God. This lesson is giving me the answer to every problem I think I have. This lesson teaches me to open to God's gift of grace whereby the means are given me to lay illusions down once again. I need to open to God's gift of grace again and again until all my belief in separation is undone. This is a process. Instead of feeling guilty for my mistakes, I recognize them as mistakes and with God's grace, I lay them down. This is my one function, being willing to claim God's grace which provides the means for me to lay all errors in thinking down. I have the means by which to remember that I am free. I just need to claim it.

This lesson is reinforcing the immediacy of salvation, of complete release from all fear and guilt. I need only acknowledge and accept it and it is mine because it has already been given me. In today's lesson, God's grace means to me that He would not let me wander off into insanity without giving me the means to return to sanity.

In our creation He gave us all of Himself, including all of His power. Thus when we chose in our insanity to misdirect that power, He could not interfere with that choice or He would be making us of a lesser order of power. We would no longer be equal in power as He created us. But by His grace, the moment we made the mistaken choice, we were given the means to undo the mistake. We still need to make the choice to let it be undone, but the means is already given.

My heart is filled with gratitude that I have a Father so loving that He was unwilling to make me lesser than He and equally unwilling to leave me comfortless and without a means to return to Him. The Holy Spirit is His Answer to all my mistaken ideas.

My only need is to acknowledge my mistakes and accept the means for them to be undone. I do not need to undo them alone. To attempt to do so is to reject the means He gave me. Rather, I need to accept His help and it will be done for me. As long as I continue to believe in false ideas and desire that they be true, I will not accept the means for them to be undone.

My part in healing is very simple. Acknowledge my mistakes and accept the means for them to be undone. This is the willingness that Holy Spirit needs. With that willingness, the rest is done for me. Today I will practice being mindful with the Holy Spirit's help to recognize my mistaken ideas and then turn them over to Him to let His light shine them away. That is my job today. And I give thanks that I have the means to be free.

"Your grace is given me. I claim it now. Father, I come to You. And You will come to me who ask. I am the Son You love." This is so inspiring. I know what the poets mean when they say, "it makes my heart soar," because that is exactly how I feel each time I say this prayer.

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I've kind of found the common thread for what I received via e-mail today. Coincidentally, it came to me in the form of a song.

So Small

As sung by Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah
What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Chorus
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been up there searching for forever
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river thats so wide
It swallows you whole
While you sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by
Moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Chorus x2

I've just now pieced together the significance behind some of the events that happened today.

I got up this morning and checked my e-mail. I found a message from Mac. It was a chart showing how we interact with God. At the end of the message was something about the people who pass through our lives. I responded to him by saying that I miss his friendship and the friendship of some others but I am not willing to jump back into anything. I don't trust those people like I once did. They pretty well showed their true colors this summer when I was going through such a difficult time. I don't need friends like that.

It's kind of ironic about his message and my response. When I got up this morning a song was going through my head based on the conversation that I had with the deacon yesterday afternoon in my RCIA class. The song was "Which Way Are You Going."

After school I had an appointment with my therapist and the discussion centered about relationships primarily. I told her of some things that had happened since I last saw her and the confusion that was generated. I try not to analyze things any more. She didn't seem to think that I was doing that. She saw me trying to figure out why I reacted as I did. But she used a term I was unfamiliar with called "analytical mastrobation". While I will admit that I used to analyze things until I made myself sick I never realized that I was stoking a flame as her term would indicate. Something new to think about.

At any rate, I came home and finally got a chance to read my Hazelden reading for the day and it clicked as to why Mac sent that e-mail this morning. He must have received today's reading before I did.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Program friendships are special

Until we came into the program we may have thought that friendships were all alike. We counted on friends to socialize and gossip with, maybe to share a secret with. But when we were really scared about our lives and the future, we felt too vulnerable to let anyone else know our innermost thoughts.

What relief the program has brought us and what good friends! No problem seems as terrifying now that we are no longer shouldering it alone. Having to make a decision no longer overwhelms us when we have other people to discuss it with. Letting ourselves be deeply cared for, with all our faults, is a new experience too. All these gifts come automatically to us within the fellowship. All that is asked of us is that we be a friend too.

I will extend my heart in friendship today, and my concerns will be lightened.
From the book A Life of My Own by Karen Casey


Here is the song I woke up with:

Which Way Are You Going

As sung by Jim Croce

Which way are you going, which side will you be on
Will you stand and watch while, all the seeds of hate are sown
Will you stand with those who say, let his will be done
One hand on the Bible
One hand on the gun
One hand on the Bible
One hand on the gun

Which way are you looking, is it hard to see
Do you say whats wrong for him, is not wrong for me
You walk the streets, righteousness but you refuse to understand
You say you love the baby
Then you crucify the man
You say you love the baby
Then you crucify the man

Everyday, things are changing, words once honored turned to lies
People wondering, can you blame them
It's to far to run, and to late to hide
Now you turn your back on, all the things that you used to preach
Now it's let him live in freedom, if he lives like me

Well you light has changed, confusion rains, what have you become
All your olive branches turned to spears
When your flowers turned to guns
Your olive branches turned to spears
When your flowers turned to guns



After I had thought about all that I'd heard and read today another song sprang to mind:

The Weight

As sung by The Band

I pulled into Nazareth, was feelin' about half past dead;
I just need some place where I can lay my head.
"Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?"
He just grinned and shook my hand, "No!", was all he said.


(Chorus:)
Take a load off Annie, take a load for free;
Take a load off Annie, And (and) (and) you can put the load right on me.

I picked up my bag, I went lookin' for a place to hide;
When I saw Carmen and the Devil walkin' side by side.
I said, "Hey, Carmen, come on, let's go downtown."
She said, "I gotta go, but m'friend can stick around."

(Chorus)

Go down, Miss Moses, there's nothin' you can say
It's just ol' Luke, and Luke's waitin' on the Judgement Day.
"Well, Luke, my friend, what about young Anna Lee?"
He said, "Do me a favor, son, woncha stay an' keep Anna Lee company?"

(Chorus)

Crazy Chester followed me, and he caught me in the fog.
He said, "I will fix your rack, if you'll take Jack, my dog."
I said, "Wait a minute, Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man."
He said, "That's okay, boy, won't you feed him when you can."

(Chorus)

Catch a cannon ball now, t'take me down the line
My bag is sinkin' low and I do believe it's time.
To get back to Miss Fanny, you know she's the only one.
Who sent me here with her regards for everyone.

(Chorus)


I don't know what any of that means but it seems almost like a story is about to unfold. I'm not going to analyze it. I'm simply going to wait it out. This is the advent season after all. It is about waiting and anticipation.

I have a new landlord. He's going to be remodeling the apartments for an increased rent of $25. Rent will now be $325. Not bad.

Hold on to hope
or it will fly away.
Nourish hope
or it will wither.
Seek out those
who cherish hope
and nurture it...together.

This is what my perpetual calendar says this morning. In the back of my mind I hear, "Keep hope alive." I just wonder if there is ever a time when we have to give up hope? Then I remember the story of Pandora's box, after all the emotions had been let out, hope remained. Perhaps that is why is is considered one of the three most important virtues.

Even though I can't solve your problems, I will be there as your sounding board whenever you need me.
--Sandra K. Lamberson

The prize we each have been given is our ability to offer full and interested attention to people seeking our counsel. And seldom does a day pass that we aren't given the opportunity to listen, to nurture, to offer hope where it's been dashed.

We are not separate, one from another. Interdependence is our blessing; however, we fail to recognize it at our crucial crossroads. Alone we ponder. Around us, others, too, are often suffering in silence. These Steps that guide our lives push us to break the silence. The secrets we keep, keep us from the health we deserve.

Our emotional well-being is enhanced each time we share ourselves - our stories or our attentive ears. We need to be a part of someone else's pain and growth in order to make use of the pain that we have grown beyond. Pain has its purpose in our lives. And in the lives of our friends, too. It's our connection to one another, the bridge that closes the gap.

We dread our pain. We hate the suffering our friends must withstand. But each of us gains when we accept these challenges as our invitations for growth and closeness to others.

Secrets keep us sick. I will listen and share and be well.
From the book: Each Day a New Beginning.

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These days I spend a lot of time listening to Elyce and talking to Linda. Both of them are in relationships with an active alcoholic or addict. Elyce is married to one and Linda is dating one. I feel their pain. I remember what it was like when I was married to Joey.

I'm not in a relationship with anyone active using these days. But I'm surrounded by a lot of dry drunks. At the beginning of the year I worried over Mac's sobriety. His behavior became very disturbing and he became almost as verbally abusive as my ex was toward me. His opinion of me mattered. He was my confidant.

Then other things began to happen in my life. There were a lot more dry drunks exercising some disturbing behavior. Suddenly I was surrounded by alcoholic behavior. I had problems of my own and I was trying to solve all of their problems. I got sick again. Or maybe it was that I never fully recovered from the insanity to begin with. I don't know.

Today I am on antidepressants, in therapy, and pursuing a spiritual track that is new and challenging to me. I still have to work on not taking what others say and do personally. It helps that I tell this to Elyce almost daily. I've become her broken record but maybe that is because I need to hear it daily myself.

There are lots of things that happen in life that I still don't understand. But these days I don't spend so much time worrying over them. I have a level of serenity that I am not willing to give up. I am becoming more and more happy with myself. It's a good thing because I spend a lot of time in my own company. But I find I am much happier doing so. That alcoholic behavior has not gone away.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Help is available - we don't have to go it alone.

Together we can do it - we can recover. Disorders are habits of loneliness and isolation. To get well we need help, and that help is always available.

Those of us who belong to a Twelve Step support group have a list of phone numbers. We know we can call people who will be there for us. We go to meetings and share. We find that other people have similar problems, and we stop feeling lonely and isolated.

Some of us are in therapy, some of us have strong family support systems, and some of us have friends and colleagues we can talk to when the going gets rough.

We can get help through our spiritual center. We may define it in various ways, but when we become aware of this center, we have an ever-present source of support.

I will spend some quiet time today paying attention to the help that comes from my spiritual center.
From the book: Inner Harvest

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I'm taking today off. I don't feel well - my sugar's off- and I really don't want to wrestle with Q today.

Last night I attended my home group. I tell you that it is a sin and a shame when I can honestly say I have more serenity when I stay at home than when I go to a meeting. It's down right pitiful. It's not the home group entirely. I just don't like attending meetings in that building any more. I'm grateful to have other support systems besides this meeting. I have phone meetings, an on-line Al-Anon group, therapy, and RCIA class.

Last night I acknowledged to Linda how hurt I still am about lost friendships. I've had to detach from some people I really cared about and set such rigid boundaries because I needed time to heal. I was getting sick again and I just can't go back to where I once was. I can't. But as Linda pointed out, those people were not really my friends if they left me when I needed them most.

Marian gave me a singing hamster for Christmas. The song it sings is "Since You've Been Gone." I've never heard this song before. So naturally I had to look up the lyrics on the internet. Alot of synchronicity in the lyrics for my life.

Since You've Been Gone

As Sung by Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

Charity suffereth long, and is kind;
charity envieth not;
charity vaunteth not itself,
is not puffed up,
doth not behave itself unseemly,
seeketh not her own,
is not easily provoked,
thinketh no evil;
rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
beareth all things,
believeth all things,
hopeth all things,
endureth all things.
Charity never faileth
I Corinthians 13:5-7

I awoke a few minutes ago and felt moved to revisit this chapter of the Bible. I was thinking about all the insanity that I've endured this year- on my part and on the part of others. I had fallen back into the well that I crawled out of. It began in October last year. Several things happened at the same time. I can't pin point one event as effecting me more than another. One thing I do know is that I ceased to feel loved. I looked at all three of my families and felt as if they were dying. I know now that it was me who was dying. I had begun to lose my identity again. Once again I was wearing a mask.

It was not until this summer when I felt that I was losing everything that the pieces began to fall into place. I had switched one mask for another. When everything appeared to be stripped from me, I began to live again. The chains seemed to be falling off of me.

In 12 hours from now I will be gathering with members of District 15 for an Al-Anon meeting. At that time we will each be asked to reflect back on this year and express gratitude. I don't know if I want to share what I'm grateful for with this particular gathering. My feelings are personal. I regained myself. I strengthened my faith. I learned what love is and is not. How do you express such things to people who have no idea the magnitude of my loss? It is impossible.

You are not going to believe what happened at the district meeting! Jerry H. wants me to be the next DR. I didn't complete GR. Why would I want to be DR?