The topic for this week in the online Al-Anon group that I attend is "looking back". I immediately thought of a reading about how we should look back without staring. Then for some reason the song "I'll Be There" popped into my head. Do you think that when we look back we might see only the good because we are afraid to look at the bad?

Four years ago I had - a relapse, no, maybe it was more of a memory tug- at any rate, my memories were triggered by a screamer in my classroom. Suddenly all of that bad stuff came rushing to the front and I was drowning in it. No support group. Wound up in therapy but I did not work those therapy sessions with rigorous honesty. It seems to me that unless you have a support system and the courage to be honest, no amount of looking back is going to help you in recovery. But maybe I'm wrong. I often am.

Well, Mom and I went to Becky's picnic. I am always impressed with her energy and drive. She is phenomenal at what she does. I ran into people from school. Carrie was there. I wanted to introduce her to Becky because I think Carrie is interested in the Leg Up program. Nancy was also there. We all turned out to see Logan ride. It was amazing how natural he looked on the horse. Many could not believe that he was blind. Mom enjoyed herself. We both got a little too much sun.

Once I had returned her to her apartment I took a much needed nap. George called to check on me as he had not seen me in some time. I spoke to both he and his wife on the telephone at length.

Barry did not call at all yesterday. I'm surprised and a little worried about what the staff at Cedarcroft might have said to him.

This morning I'm going to pick up my mother from assisted living. We're going to the Leg Up Picnic. Becky has put a lot of hard work into this and I'm going to support my newest sister. If we have time we may also swing by the Rec Center to see the karate exhibition that Darcy is in. It's an action packed weekend it seems.

I did not go get Barry and he stopped calling. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest and shoulders. Suddenly I wasn't in as much pain and I felt free.

The landlord came by yesterday. They had to bug bomb Barry's apartment yet again. He gave me some Combat cream or whatever. I've put it in most of the spots where I've seen my inherited roaches. I can't reach some of the spots. I showed him that I had condensed Barry's apartment down to 6 tubs and two garbage bags. Philip, Charlotte and I trashed a lot of stuff that Barry had collected over the years. I can't believe the stuff he hung onto. It makes me want to go through my own apartment and trash stuff. I've done this over the years. But I think I might be able to do a little bit more, especially since I've now brought home what was mine from the classroom.

It was nice to receive a hug from Sam yesterday but somehow it didn't seem to mean so much to me. It does not compare to the hug I got from the Paradox on Sunday. What do I do with Mike? Sometimes I think I've got an inkling to what he's all about and at other times I'm not so sure. So, I just let it go. I figure if I am of any importance to anyone, including him, I'll know. It sort of reminds me of the movie I watched last night- Pride and Prejudice. There's something in the facial expressions that remind me of Mike. He wears his thoughts and feelings on his face much like the actors did in the movie. And yet, maybe I do not interpret them correctly. All I know is that I almost walked right by him without seeing him on Sunday. I was that intent in the argument that I was having with Linda about where we were going to sit. She walked me right in the line of fire with Ann, one of the people I wanted to avoid. If Mike had not said my nickname I don't know if I'd have seen him at all. How is that possible?

I'm grateful that it is now summer and school is out. I'm also grateful to have a paycheck through the summer. I don't have to have a summer job and that is a blessing. It leaves me with the opportunity to get to much needed doctor appointments and to look for a job.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Accepting those things we cannot change frees us.

It's so easy to get caught up in other people's lives. Assuming that we know what's best for them seems so natural. Many of us have excelled at being caretakers, but it's time to back off and let our loved ones fend for themselves. That means letting them make their own decisions and live with their own consequences.

We can't change other people. Certainly we have made others feel guilty enough so that they have given in and done things our way. And we have won many power struggles. But ultimately we can't claim ownership of anyone else's mind, and we aren't the stewards of anyone else's life. We may feel diminished by our lack of control initially, but in time we will love the freedom of living only our own lives. The extra time we'll have and the peace we'll know will comfort us.

I will experience many moments of relief and peace when I let others be their own stewards.
From: A Life of My Own by Karen Casey


Today's reading spoke to me about my relationship with my brother. He calls every day about 7 or 8 times a day to inquire about his future rather than just living his life. As my friend Becky put it, I have control in that I am his power of attorney, but I do not have and certainly would rather not have control over his life. His life is his to live if he would.

I went to work this morning like I have for over a month, knowing that I would not be returning next year. It takes all that I have in me not to express my hurt feelings. But the reality is that I'm not hurt. Oddly enough I see this as the beginning of a new adventure for me. I'm ready.

Before I left school this morning I bumped into Sam in the hallway. I got a caring hug from him and that was it. I also learned that the position I interviewed for this morning is probably going to someone else but Talledega County, AL where Linda lives has called my references, at least they called Dawn.

I just pray for God to light my path. I'll go where He leads me. I've been meditating about some of the things I read by Thomas Merton. I understand now more fully why he was a hermit. At times I wish I had the courage to be one myself.

Put on a Happy Face

Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!
Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face
And if you're feeling cross and bitterish
Don't sit and whine
Think of banana split and licorice
And you'll feel fine
I knew a girl so glooming
She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Now she's a mean old thing
So spread sunshine all over the place
Just put on a happy face
So, put on a happy face



Sometimes it is hard to "put on a happy face" especially when everything seems to hit at once. I work at keeping my chin up instead. I figure plastering on a smile is another form of a mask to hide my feelings. But an upthrust chin shows determination to weather the storm.

I'm lonely andin need of a friend who does not have a solution but will just listen. Is there such a creature out there?

Syncronicity!

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

There is nothing more potent than thought. Deed follows word and word follows thought. And where the thought is mighty and pure, the result is mighty and pure.
--Gandhi


Life responds not to what we wish or even to what we desire. Life responds to a made up mind. The moment that you definitely commit yourself, then the Universe moves, too. Doors open for you that normally would have remained closed. A whole stream of events unfolds which leads to the desired outcome.

One Christmas, a woman wanted to take her children to see a performance of The Nutcracker ballet. Unfortunately, she did not have the money to purchase the tickets. Nonetheless, she was totally committed to seeing the show. She visualized the outcome and affirmed that she would attend that evening's performance. Two hours before the show, a friend who worked as a tour guide called. He had just arrived in town to see The Nutcracker with his tour, but three clients could not attend. Would she and her children like to go?

Many would call this coincidence. Those who understand the workings of the Divine mind know that the woman's 100 percent intention to be at the show drew to her the good that she desired. The same can be true for you once you employ the power of a made up mind.
From: Listening to Your Inner Voice by Douglas Bloch

Sometimes the things that seem bad turn out to be pretty good. I'm banking on that. I've got a pretty good feeling about the future. It feels like big changes are coming of a good kind. You know what I mean?

Gratitude list of today:

A- Alley, Al-Anon, Awakenings
B- Becky, books, blue
C- Cocoa, Charlotte, conscious
D- Dawn, Darcy, Deacon Mike
E- e-quiet moments, e-mail
F- Faith, family, flowers
G- God, grace, green
H- Hope, help
I- internet, Immaculate Conception Catholic Church
J- job interviews, Jimmy, Joyce, Jerry
K- kindness
L- Linda, lamp, library, laughter, lavnder
M- Marian
N- Nota
O- Opportunities
P- Peace, purple, pink
Q- quiet
R- rocking chair, red
S- Second chances, serenity, sanity
T- Teresa, Tim, therapy, Topsy Turvy Tomato plants
U- understanding
V- vacuum
W- wisdom to know the difference
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda, yellow
Z- zinnias

I was just talking to my friend Elyce on the telephone. The words to an old Paul Simon song popped into my head and we both wound up reciting the chorus. It's funny how songs stick in your mind. It's not the sentiment behind them all the time. Sometimes it's just the familiarity of the words.

Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover

As sung by Paul Simon

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooo slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
and get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

This is the song they played at the end of each show the first season of America's Best Dance Crew. I really heard it today as I watched reruns. The chorus speaks to me.

Sun Storm

As sung by Mac Lethal

[Intro:]
Conflict-resolution and it's damn sure not specialty
I want to thank everyone for listening to the album that they just listen to
Please don't take out your lighters though it's kinda sad

[Verse 1:]
I'm from the meth-lab city of broken dreams and cracked out dope of means
Where everybody is lookin for an ocean scene
Where pac and biggie are pass'e
Cause back home we speak in terms of mac dre and fat tone
I'm from a city where there's actually people that
Are bother by the thought of homosexual marriage
The bible belt friendly smiles and christian steeples
And names like bobby sue jenkins and belinda peoples
This town is so erie when it snows all the trees look like
Ghost appearing from the road
The crows flew south of heaven and found the elixir
The echo of silence whisper from the mouth of the river
To say yah the city could be great one day but the first step
Is getting out of our own way
I've been to bigger cities they produce bigger frowns
All dying right here in this town

[Chorus: x2]
And I know there's something beautiful within my grasp
And I know I think I'm satisfy but it won't last
And I know to lace my boots up and pick my path
I'll find another rain storm to fill my glass

[Verse 2:]
To quote my life is written by anonymous f**k it
I think I'll keep the liquid courage and the broken promises
So if your comin' over bring the bottle and a cup
There's a war goin on outside and I don't give a f**k
I can never win the fight for me
I could only minimize the details of my life story
I was born late july 1981 skip a bunch
Bullshit until now and then stories done
But I'm a write the chapters later in my life
In a nursing home with a sweet lady for a wife
Both of us in wheel chairs we quietly hold hands
It's strange but one day I'm gonna be an old man
I hope to be happy on that day because
I finally stood up and moved the hell outta my own way
I need to move the hell outta my own way
(note to self)so do you

[Chorus: x4]
And I know there's something beautiful within my grasp
And I know I think I'm satisfy but it won't last
And I know to lace my boots up and pick my path
I'll find another rain storm to fill my glass

No no no
Don't get your lighters out this isnt ben harper
Thank you southern thank you opus and thank you kansas city
Goodnight

You're Not the Boss of Me Now

As sung by They Might Be Giants
Theme song from Malcolm in the Middle

Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big
You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big

Life is unfair, so I just stare at the stain on the wall where
The TV'd been, but ever since we've moved in it's been empty

Why I, why I'm in this room there is no point explaining

You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big
You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big

Life is a test, and I confess I like this mess I've made so far.
Grade on a curve and you'll observe I'm right below the horizon.

Yes, no, maybe, I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big
You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big

You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big
You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now
You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big
Life is unfair

*************************************************************************************

eqm@catholicdigest.com
Subject: Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Thursday, May 14

Feast of St. Matthias
After big storms there follow bright days.

ST. HENRY SUSO
German monk and mystic, 14th century

Hey, it's not easy being me but I'm ever so grateful for the life I have. I have a lot of job options for next year. It may require a move but that's okay. I can handle it. I feel liberated somehow.

I'm slowly working on consolidating apartments. Barry's is like roach heaven. I've bug bombed again. I may wind up throwing everything he's got away. That's kind of sad.

I'm excited for Barry. He ventured away from the halfway house into town! That's progress. He will begin working as a volunteer at the animal shelter next week. He says he's going to work with the dogs. I think that's super! I coaxed him into asking for a van pass and about the Drop ins when he hung up from talking to me. Hopefully he followed through. When I told him that I would not be bringing him home this weekend but would come and visit him, he was okay with it. I'm so thankful for that.

Barry's going to be okay. And so will I.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
--Dorothy Canfield Fisher

A strong, healthy tree is one which is free to grow straight and tall. A weak tree often must lean against another for support. It is not that different with people. We are not healthy and strong when we must always lean on another to support us.

This doesn't mean it isn't healthy to accept help. But the best help we can get or give is that which enables us to do things without it. Sometimes we think we lose a relationship when others don't need our help, or when we don't need theirs all the time. The reverse is true. Only when we are each strong enough to stand on our own can we really share the kind of help, which allows both the helped and the helper to be independent.

Have I been giving the right kind of help?
From: Today's Gift by Anonymous

*************************************************************************************

This has been the topic of conversation for several days now. Most of the conversation has revolved around Barry but I have also acknowledged my tendency to lean when I should stand.

For some reason a song popped into my head today. A memory of the movie Pretty in Pink followed. I'm not sure what it means for me but I include the lyrics here.


Don't You (Forget About Me)

As sung by Simple Minds

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it, baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on


Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :
La la la...

Well, let's see. I took Mom to Leg Up to meet Becky before we tackled the trip to Lebanon. We went in the middle of her preparing for their big picnic and showcasing of talent. Needless to say, she was busy.

I drove through a lot of rain to get to Lebanon. Mom was pretty good company. Barry kept up his questions about college and whether his placement was permanent. I just didn't think a picnic with onlookers was the place to have the discussion. I think once he comes back here and sees all of his things in the spare room here, he will get the message.

Mom and I drove through Murfreesboro to come home. It has grown huge! I told her that there were several teaching jobs in Murfreesboro and I was applying. She began talking about checking into an assisted living facility there.

What is it with my family? I can't be the glue any more. I'm barely able to take care of myself. I can't take care of either of them. When will they get the message? I know it's a change and it's sad to think of us being in different parts of the state but it may be the way it is for a while. Barry and Mom fed off of each other. He drug her down and she refused to let him grow up. Me? I'm in the middle as usual.

From Thomas Merton's Thoughts in Solitude

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Through our Lord Jesus Christ-
Amen.

'nuff said. Seemed to fit my present state of mind. Found this afternoon while researching online.

If I Were a Rich Man

From Fiddler on the Roof


[TEVYE]
"Dear God, you made many, many poor people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?"

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks
For the town to see and hear.
And each loud "cheep" and "swaqwk" and "honk" and "quack"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives a wealthy man."

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I see my wife, my Golde, looking like a rich man's wife
With a proper double-chin.
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the servants, day and night.

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise.
"If you please, Reb Tevye..."
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye..."
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes!
And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're rich, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the synagogue and pray.
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall.
And I'd discuss the holy books with the learned men, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

************************************************************************************

For some reason I found myself humming this song today. It seems like an omen of some sort for me. I have no idea where my next job will come from, I am consolidating two apartments, taking some furniture to the city dump, donating other pieces and generally coaching my brother through letting go of life here so that he can pursue opportunities in other places. Could life get any more challenging? Don't answer that. I'm afraid to ask that question too loudly for fear of more being thrown at me.

Jane has turned in her notice to do a leave of absence. She can't tolerate the insanity of Jennifer and Missie any more. I'll miss her. Darcy is filling in for her- that's a pretty good fit but it lets the other two off the hook of doing anything. Today I took it upon myself to feed Corey just because I could. I worked with Justin and Kristopher just like I always do. I commented to Jane that I really wish Missie and Jennifer would lavish Justing and Kristopher with as much attention as they do Corey. They are totally left out in the cold. They're giving attention to a child that already gets a lot at home while the other two are being ignored.

I believe in karma. We all get back what we put out there. If it's not in this life time, it will be in the hereafter. I try to be careful for that very reason.

I wish I had someone to talk to and do things with. I miss having human companionship. But I'm sorry to say I don't really miss my brother. He was killing me with his neediness just as I'm sure I've killed others with mine in the past.

Is it ever going to stop raining? I'll be surprised if we go the entire day of school. The creeks and rivers have to be up. I certainly don't think I'm going to move any furniture today. I'd like to bug bomb that apartment one more time before I move anything. I don't want to bring any bugs up here.

I had a good visit with Mom. The advertised hearing device has helped her tremendously. She can hear all that is said and can contribute to the conversation. She says that she never knew how noisy it was in the dining room. They drive her batty. One woman who sits with her never stops talking! I talked with her about Barry and the diagnosis we had always suspected. She is in agreement with me- we could not have kept taking care of him. He was draining us both. It's hard to love someone who has so many needs and problems. You just can't give enough or do enough to help them out. It's painful.

Barry expects me to call him every day. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I think I'm going to ask Peggy to pass on that message to him.

From: eqm@catholicdigest.com

Subject: Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Tuesday, May 5

To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
American poet, 19th century

I love the daily readings that I receive from Catholic Digest. It gives me a short moment to pause and think about something uplifting. Today's reading goes right along with the one found on my perpetual calendar, which says:

Reach up to grasp the stars,
but never forget to enjoy
the flowers at your feet.

I think that the ordinary stars we reach for daily are opportunities (options or choices). Sometimes we have to go agaist the grain to grasp those opportunities and sometimes they just flow right in our reach.

I think it's easy to lose track of where we've been when we are moving forward. We forget about the simple joys that surround us because we're so bent on reaching for or topping the opportunity we're striving for. Maybe we get the big head or maybe we think we're entitled to all of the opportunities that come our way. Maybe we are. I don't know. I just think that some of the opportunities are given to us by the grace of God. And maybe they aren't meant to last. Maybe they're only sent to teach us something.

I hope I never forget to stop and enjoy the scenery because I may pass this way but once.

Yesterday I went down to Barry's apartment and was pleasantly surprised at how far Charlotte and Phillip had gotten in cleaning it. I don't think it's been that clean since before Barry moved into it. I'm ever so grateful for them.

I called to check on Barry yesterday and he played a practical joke on me. He came to the telephone and told me that he no longer lived there. Then he hung up. When I called back to see what was going on, I learned that he had taken something from one of his housemates and was ashamed of his behavior. I really wasn't very surprised. He took things from me all the time. Maybe this place will teach him a little more respect for other people's property.

I was telling an Al-Anon member about it last night in our meeting. She sees progress in Barry (she knows him personally). Even with this minor set back he is making progress. Yeah, I can see her point. He showed remorse.

Ever since we signed the admittance papers, I keep going over that diagnosis that I had been unaware of for him- schezophrenia/bipolar III. I had often thought that he might have either of these things due to some behaviors I saw and things he told me but to see it on paper blew my mind for some reason.

I keep thinking maybe I have something similiar wrong with me. My therapist nixed the bipolar idea. She actually doesn't think there is anything mentally wrong with me. She thinks it's all emotional. I called the clinic yesterday to see when my appointment is- I thought it was this week. I was kind of hoping it was this week. We don't have one until May 21. Bummer. By the time that rolls around I may forget all that I want to talk about. Daily so many things happen.

Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone...

For some reason the Madonna song "Like a Prayer" popped into my mind. I was feeling sorry for myself I guess and wishing I had someone to talk to. I guess it's better that I don't have anyone to lean on because it forces me to lean on my Higher Power. It just doesn't seem fair that's all.

It was a slow day, a long day. It's all I can do to hold my tongue around Missie and Jennifer. I want to retaliate somehow but I know that it would be the wrong thing to do. I mean, two wrongs don't make a right.

Elyce called this weekend and I found myself saying to her what I most needed to hear. It's funny how that works. She called back last night and told me that she heard more growth in my words and voice than she has in the last two years. I take that as a compliment.

Paige Luna, a fourth grade teacher gave me a little false hope. She said that she heard that those given pink slips would be rehired and possibly rearranged. At this point I really don't care. I'm beginning to wonder why I fought so hard to get hired into the Giles County School System. It's certainly isn't what I had hoped it would be.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself this morning. I worked for a while at cleaning and rearranging the spare room. It took a while to untangle all of the computer and telephone cords but I did it.

The computer now sits in front of the window. It's amazing how just moving the computer from one wall to the other changes the scenery and the mood. Yesterday my cat and I watched the birds playing in the trees. This morning I see the cloudy sky and the threat of more rain. Rain could dampen my mood but I am still serene.

I've just read my Awakenings mail. I was thinking about what one of the women wrote about listening to someone share their fifth step with her while she drove in traffic. I listened to someone share their fifth step with me while I was in the midst of all that depression 2 years ago. I was suicidal and managed to take my focus off of myself so that I could listen to Elyce. I was thinking about that and what happened at school on Friday. My thoughts went to, "How am I going to manage to survive to the end of school?" That's when it occurred to me- I survived listening to a fifth step confession while amid terrible depression and I survived the horrible things that my ex said to me while he was under the influence. If I can survive those things then I can survive all that is thrown at me for four weeks. I can do this. I am ever so grateful that I have the Awakenings group.

It's raining, it's pouring...

I have no idea how long this rain is supposed to last but I do know that I'm supposed to go down and start cleaning my brother's abandoned apartment. I hate to even enter the dark dungeon. I haven't been down there since I bug bombed. Hopefully all the giant gnats are gone. I'm not fully awake yet and I haven't showered. I guess I'll go down and at least look around.

Well, went down to Barry's apartment to begin cleaning. I started throwing the bags of trash he had piled up in the kitchen out the back door into the dumpster. Bugs came out. There were ants and roaches. The bug bombing of Thursday killed only the gnats. Luckily I'd bought two more. I set them off and left.

I came back here and took a nap before I began anew. I've been working on my own spare room. I've moved the computer and thrown away a few things of my own. I'm trying to make room for one of the bedframes from Barry's apartment. I would like to create a place for him to stay when he visits. Keeping his own apartment just isn't feasible. His check can not stretch to cover rent for two apartments. It will make him mad to learn of this but he will get over it.

He called earlier. He's not happy. He's still worried that he's going to be put away. This is not being put away. I'm simply giving him some options for his life. He had no opportunities here. Besides, he's proven that he just can't live on his own. He had almost a year to make it work and he never became self-sufficient. Instead he drug me down with him. Since I don't know where my own future lies, it's best that he try to make a go of it in Lebanon.

Invisible

As sung by Jennifer Hudson

Seems like I’m not here
It’s like I don’t mean nothing
Like glass unclear
Almost like you can see straight through me
I got questions but no answers
So tired of being confused and I
Don’t wanna stay right here and I
Gotta find my wings and fly

Chorus
I gotta find me another way
Cause I don’t wanna stay another day
Time for a change in my mind
I’v opened my eyes I’m changing my life
And now I’m gonna live my life for me
Cause this aint how it’s supposed to be
No more standing in the back of the line
Cause I’m invisible for the last time

Why can’t you see me
Do I really even matter
You changed me completely
And I remember how it used to be
I got question what’s the lesson
I’m tired of being confused and I’m
I’m gonna take my chance and fly
I’m taking back my life

Chorus

This can’t be it for me
This can’t be all I’m made for
And all my time wasted in this life
It’s my time to shine
No more feeling insufficient
I’m gonna make my own decisions
It don’t matter what you can or cannot see
I’m doing this for me

Chorus

Can you see me
I know you see me
No more stand in the back of the line
Cause I’m invisible for the last time


I was watching the latest episode of Taking the Stage on MTV and this was the song that Malik sang for the Carnagie Hall show.

It's so interesting that I should see this episode right at the moment that I did. I had a very trying day with the adults in my classroom today. One of them has a husband that works as a computer tech for the school system. He came in spouting off about something that had been downloaded to the newest computer and it sounded like I was being accused of doing it. I had no idea what he was talking about. When he checked the date and the time he asked me where I was when the download occurred. I was in a Special Ed meeting at Central Office. I was nowhere near my classroom when it occurred and I have no idea who did this. The sub for that day was subbing for Teresa today and I have a room full of special education teachers who can vouch for me. He proceeds to talk down to me about taking command of my classroom and its machines. Fine. Whatever. I feel like reacting and blowing up or being petty about this. It's hard to hold my tongue and let it slide. I just remind myself that the year is almost over. I can and will live through this.

I will begin cleaning and rearranging things tomorrow. Right now I just want to veg out. I have felt invisible and stepped over. I'm sick of it. I'll be glad when everything is over. I'll work my aggression out by moving furniture and cleaning.