Be proud of your life
and who you are
at the moment.

That's what my perpetual calendar says this morning. Synchronicity. Last night in my home group I voiced how I had changed from a "Get'er done" personality to a very laid back personality. I no longer go into a situation in my Controlzilla mode. My attitude is more of "whatever will be, will be." I'm not sure that translates into a very successful teacher and that bothers me. At times I've worried that I am so burned out that I am worthless. But maybe I'm not. Maybe all of this self-defeat is due to the situation I've lived in since Joey left. Maybe I'm getting closer to the center of my onion.

I tossed and turned all night wondering how on in the world I'm going to get through today with my right hand out sick. The other assistant will have to step up and do something today. I hate to go to the principal and say that he isn't working out for that room because I know he needs the benefits. But shoot, he isn't earning his keep. It's like having another child in the room.

I'm going to add a gratitude list here simply because I haven't done one in a while.

A- Al-Anon, A Course in Miracles, Awakenings, Alice
B- Barry, blog
C- Clean clothes, Corey, cats
D- Daniel
E- E-mail, Elyce
F- Family
G- God
H- Hope, home, health
I- Immaculate Conception Catholic Church
J- Job, Jennifer, Joe
K- Kenny
L- Linda, Lois
M- Marianne Williamson, Mom, Mickey
N- New challenges
O- Options, Opportunities
P- Pulaski Electric
Q- Quedarrius
R- Rosie
S- Samantha
T- Taylor, transportation
U- Understanding
V- Vibrator ('nuff said)
W- Wisdom
X- Xena- may I find her today
Y- Yo-yo
Z- ZZZZZZZZ (heavenly sleep)

Here I am 12 hours later. Today was a day. That's about all I can say. My little wheelchair bound boy was sick and cried most of the morning. I held him in my lap and rocked him most of the time. I could not get him to eat anything but I did manage to get him to drink a little apple juice. I felt truly powerless with him. He sounded so congested and I wanted very badly to use the suction machine that belongs to the other wheelchair bound child on him but I didn't. I wound up having the nurse call his mother.

The other two boys really took advantage of the situation. They plowed right over my male assistant. I had to really speak up several times to get him to do his job. The sub had no clue what to do as she had never been in there before and I had my hands full. When I got a break I got law and order back established but I can see where there are a lot of things that need to be done differently.

I plan to go into room this weekend and rearrange furniture. I'm redoing the set up of the assistants desks for sure because the male assistant spends too much time on the computer and not enough time helping with kids. But I don't think that assistants need to have a work station like that. The previous teacher did not do his own paper work but I've always done my own. I don't need that same set up. It's going to be rearranged. Just wish I had someone to help me. Maybe I can enlist my brother. I just wish I had some way to pay him for his time. He will expect me to.

I've beent rying to figure out what it is that I'm feeling. I finally narrowed it downt to me feeling as if I were a prisoner in my own life, as if I had no options or choices. I have been feeling like a victim of circumstances. So, like the good Al-Anon that I am I went to my CAL to see what I could find to journal on.

Once I changed my perspective, my all-encompassing perception of doom and gloom began to evaporate.
Hope for Today, p. 5.

I have been down this road before. This is not new territory. I am not helpless. I have options. I can find things to do with my time without becoming overly dependent on someone else. I am my own person. I can get through the tough times. The old saying- "when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher"- may apply to me. I don't have to go back to being Controlzilla to survive. I can bend. My life is not hopeless. Things will get better.

I can let go of the parts of my life that are not under my contol and I can take charge of the parts that are.
Hope for Today, 327.

I do have control over my classroom. I can make decisions about what we are all going to do and guide everyone in that direction. I have done this before and been sucessful. I can teach. I am not helpless or hopeless in this situation.

I have been financially in a disarray before, not quite as bad as I was this summer, but it is not new territory to me. My old methods do not work. I've learned that. I will lean more on the God of my understanding. I don't know how to straighten out this mess but He does. I will give Him that problem because it is beyond my control.

I've been alone and friendless before, too. I know how to make friends. That is in my control. I also know how to engage people in meaningful dialog. I will seek people out.

My choices reflect my opinion of and relationship with myself.
Hope for Today, p. 279.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor.