I'm Yours

As sung by Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, and now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Come on and open up your mind and see like me
(I won't hesitate)
Open up your plans and damn you're free
(No more, no more)
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
(It cannot wait, I'm sure)

So please don't, there's no need
(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours

Oh, I'm yours
Oh, I'm yours
Oh, whoa, baby you believe I'm yours
You best believe, best believe I'm yours



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I dunno. I just kind of woke up with this song going through my head. At first I couldn't figure out what the song was- I only heard snatches. What I heard was, "Open up up your heart and you will see love, love, love." It was only when I put that little pit into the search engine that I found the song.

It's weird. I'd actually dreamed some horrible stuff last night about pedaphilia. I saw a child being abused- walked in on it- in my dream. Protested it, got angry and in someone's face about it, confronted denial- all in my dream but I woke up with a song about love in my head. Not sure what any of that means.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Don't take storms personally.

Somewhere out in the Pacific, a storm brewed and swirled and thrashed and died without ever touching the land. Three days, later, under a clear blue sky, the storm surge reached the California coast near Los Angeles. The sea threw rocks at my house, and the waves stacked up and crashed down against the pilings of the foundation. Farther up the street, the ocean ate the back porch of two houses. All night the shoreline trembled and shook from the power of the sea.

The next morning the tide pulled back, the swells calmed, and the sky stayed blue. I walked down the beach, impressed at the way the ocean had littered it with huge chunks of driftwood and rocks. Then I walked back upstairs and drank my morning coffee.

Sometimes storms aren't about us.

Sometimes, friends or loved ones will attack us for no apparent reason. They'll fuss, fume, and snap at us. When we ask them why, they'll say, "Oh I'm sorry. I had a bad day at work." But we still feel hurt and upset.

Hold people accountable for their behavior. Don't let people treat you badly. But don't take the storms in their lives personally. These storms may have nothing to do with you.

Seek shelter if necessary. Get away from curt friends until they have time to calm down; then approach when it's safe. If the storm isn't about you, there's nothing you need to do. Would you try to stop the ocean waves by standing in the surf with your arms outstretched?

God, help me not to take the storms in the lives of my friends and loved ones too personally.
From: More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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This sounds so much like the second thought from The Four Agreements and it is one that I have to practice daily, especially in my classroom. There are so many personalities!

Whoever wrote ths song, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother", did not have a brother like mine.

Yesterday the straw that broke the camel's back finally fell. I lost it with him. My patience had come to an end when he threw a three year old fit over the mix up with the Angel Food Ministry. I was fed up. All the repressed anger came to the surface. We had a yelling and shoving match. I love my brother and I'm sorry that I lost my cool but I feel a whole lot better.

Mom says she is afraid that Barry will have to go somewhere else to live. I agree. I just don't know where that somewhere else would be. He doesn't qualify for anything. Melanie is suppose to be researching this for me. She says that even though Barry isn't her client, he is affecting me and I am her client. Something's got to give.

When I talked to Linda about it she said it was about time. She was beginning to think that I was inhuman because I wasn't reacting to Barry's shit. It's not that I am inhuman. I have been trying to practice my program and detach from him. I guess losing my temper pretty much blew that.

I find my new students fascinating. We have a brother and sister who are autistic from different ends of the spectrum in our midst. It's been fun to observe them and try to decide what makes them tick. The boy is very articulate and clever but it is his sister that holds my interest. She's locked inside herself. Her gift is music and she loves the classical Mozart,Bach, etc. She spends most of her time whistling or humming tunes.

Not sure of the classroom dynamics. They keep changing. Assistants come and assistants go. Subs mill in and out. It is too much inconsistancy for a room such as mine. But we have survived.

I'm grateful that I had an Al-Anon meeting to go to yesterday morning. I needed one very badly. All this talk of Lois had gotten me down.

Elaine S. chaired and the topic was anger. Wow! What a powerful subject! And I found that I was angry about Lois' death. I was angry at her for putting herself in the positions that she chose. I was angry (as I quite frequently am) at the alcoholic/addict that murdered her- they found it was an AA member of the Columbia group. I was angry at those who were eulogizing her as if she were a saint. Lois was not a saint! She was a human given to human frailities just like the rest of us. She made bad choices. She pursued pipe dreams. We have all done the same things. She was human, not divine.

Bless her heart, Elaine was in the same boat I was. She knew that Lois had put herself in that awkward position by trying to be helpful to this person or for other reasons. She was constantly going into places she shouldn't or befriending people who did not have her best interest at heart. She pursued life to its fullest, even when it was a bit risky. Lois was a risk taker while the rest of us opted to stay within our safety zone.

She did not deserve to die like that and for that I am angry at the alcoholic/addict. No one deserves to be murdered. For me it is just another reason to dislike alcoholic/ addicts. I just want to shake them and ask them, "What makes you so special!?" I get tired of being told that I need to be compassionate and understanding of them and their feelings. I've had enough of the behaviors. I think that is why I had to leave the Betterway House. I could not take the behaviors any longer especially when responsibility was being thrown out the door. Being the super responsible person that I am, I tried to fix everything, including Lois. It was like beating my head against the wall. All I got was a headache.

This morning I awoke with two very different songs in my head. I'm hoping it is God's way of telling me to let all this anger go.

What I Did for Love

From A Chorus Line

[Diana]
Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love

[All]
What I did for
Love
[Diana]
What I did for...
[All (adding more voices each phrase)]
Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye.

[Diana]
And point me t'ward tomorrow.

[All]
Point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.

[Diana]
What I did for love

[All]
Love




Choices

As sung by George Jones

(Chorus)
I've had choices
Since the day that I was born
There were voices
That told me right from wrong
If I had listened
No I wouldn't be here today
Living and dying
With the choices I made

I was tempted
By an early age I found
I liked drinkin'
Oh, and I never turned it down
There were loved ones
But I turned them all away
Now I'm living and dying
With the choices I made

(Repeat Chorus)

I guess I'm payin'
For the things that I have done
If I could go back
Oh, Lord knows I'd run
But I'm still losin'
This game of life I play
Living and dying
With the choices I made

(Repeat Chorus)

Living and dying
With the choices I made

From William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar:

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar.

The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest -
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men -

Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.

He hath brought many captives home to Rome
Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.

You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.

I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?

O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me.


As I listened to two AA members eulogize Lois in a private conversation before mass today, I could hear the opening lines of Marc Anthony's speech ringing in my ears. Lois was a human being prone to make mistakes just like all the rest of us and yet there they were practially putting her up for sainthood.

You're not supposed to speak ill of the dead but she was far from being a saint. She was a very unhappy woman looking for something to fill that God-shaped hole. She sought it through other people, places and things. It may have been what cost her her life.

I shared my feelings with Mike along with wonderment that he could not remember anyone's name but mine when mine is the hardest to remember. I've always been the invisible person, choosing it at times actually, and yet he remembers me. His response was that I was far from invisible that, in deed, I was practically made of neon. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean nor how I'm supposed to take it. On the one hand I take it to mean that I somehow have a light that attracks people but on the other hand it almost sounds like he's drawn to me. Weird.

I was feeling kind of out of sorts today so I went to visit Mom earlier than usual. I'm kind of glad that I did. We went to the Good Will Store and I found a book that was mentioned in our parish bulletin. Mom and I milled through the store and then picked up a bite to eat. We took our hamburgers to Davy Crockett Park. We sat, ate and talked for a while. Next weekend Mom is going to spend the weekend with me. She wants to attend the parish fundraiser with me. I was a little taken back by Mom's interaction with me. But I'm very glad we're at this level now. It's been a rough road.

When I got home I received a call from Linda. She didn't seem upset with me for missing the convention in Birmingham. Afterward I thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting. I called my sponsor to see if she was going. When I found out she wasn't I stayed home. I'll see her tomorrow at the morning meeting since I'm off. We're going to lunch. It's my turn to treat.

Barry came home from church a little while ago. He is in a very strange mood. Not sure what's wrong.

I think I offended my prison sponsee. I'm not sure. I didn't set out to offend anyone. I was merely trying to express myself and show how far my thinking has come. But I can see where she might have misconstrued what I said. Or it could be that the letter took a few detours before it got to her. I had a little trouble with it at the post office.

It's been a bitter sweet Valentine's Day with all the stuff that has gone on around me. Lois was on everyone's mind today. I ran into Mary while at Reeves' Drug Store and she asked me what I knew. Ruby was here a little while ago and gave me an update. The funeral was today. Mac and Ann were supposed to have attended. Rumor has it that it was an AA member from the Columbia group that is responsible for the murder.

I heard from Mike today. I had shared my feelings on Lois' murder with him. I was kind of surprised that he responded.

I've been sick all day. I ran some of my errands this morning and worked for a while at the library. Then I came home and crashed. I didn't wake up until Barry came banging on my door. I had wanted to go to Birmingham this weekend to attend the Al-Anon convention there but I didn't make it. I guess Linda will be mad at me. But I've got to take care of myself. I didn't see driving all the way to Birmingham to sleep (because that is all I would have managed) when I could sleep here for free.

A Day In the Life

As sung by the Beatles

I read the news today oh, boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords

I saw a film today oh, boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book
I love to turn you on.

Woke up, got out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up, I noticed I was late
Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream
Ah

I read the news today oh, boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall
I'd love to turn you on



I'm not sure whether this song in appropriate but it is the one that popped into my head just now as I thought about Lois.

Lois is dead. Her neice found her body on Monday. She had been murdered. My sponsor called to tell me about it Monday night. I've talked with others in the
Al-Anon community. Unlike everyone else, I wasn't surprised. I had half expected Lois to wind up dead at some point.

It isn't right to speak ill of the dead. Lois lived an unusual life. I guess I could say that those of us in recovery have all lived an unusual life. She just seemed to pursue people who were, as the police in Maury County have put it, "of questionable character."

My experience of being around her was that she was a very unhappy woman. She had very little love for herself and did not appreciate her own company. She burned a lot of bridges, as I suppose I have, in trying to change people or control them. Her sickness affected me greatly in my home group and I had to walk away from it. Hearing that she is dead does not change how I feel about that recovery community. To me it is a testament of just how sick we were and some still are.

I'm not sure how I feel about Lois' death. I wish that I could say that I am grieved over it but I'm not. I hope that she is in a better place.

Your Daily E-Quiet Moment

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well.

Jack London
American writer, 20th century


'Nuff said.

This morning we had a wonderful lesson in the mass. Job made an appearance and I felt validated. I'd been praying and meditating about all that is going on in my life. Some might think that I was on my pity pot. But I really feel like I was following after Job. I was sitting in rags and ashes. Not literally but figuratively. Call it humility.

Sometimes I wonder why I can't have the good things that everyone else has and then I realize that I am comparing myself to others. Maybe I wasn't meant to have the families that others have or the marriages. Maybe my path is different. Sometimes I wonder why I have so much responsibility heaped on me. I keep hearing in my head, "That which does not kill you will make you stronger." I wonder just how strong I need to be.

I guess where I see myself as Job is when I try to figure out what I did wrong. I never want to curse God and die as Job's wife suggested. I remember something that the deacon said last year. Satan throws the most trials out at those of us who have the most potential for good. I keep hoping that the deacon is right.

The trouble maker is moving out! Yay! Barbara has been quietly loading her truck and carting her stuff away. I don't want to rejoice too loudly but I'm glad she's going. She caused a lot of problems. She tried to control everyone and was milking us all for money. I kind of think she railroaded Mikki.

I've got all of Linda's birthday present put together. I really don't want to go to Birmingham next week for the Al-Anon convention. I notified Nota and it's all set for me to share a room with her and two other people. I guess I'm going down on Saturday and coming back on Sunday. The only thing I haven't done is made Linda's sweet potato pie.

Mickey has been after me to come to Sumatanga this year. Attendance is down. I've got Elaine and Freda interested but I really don't want to go. That money could go on something else. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about that.

Mom's birthday is the 28th. I've almost got her scrapbook/photo album put together. It's been kind of fun to do actually. I'm just wondering where all those school pictures of Barry got off to.

Someone has graciously donated her a bedroom suit. I'm going tomorrow to take out some furniture. I've asked for help but I'm uncertain as to whether I will have any. It gets tiresome asking others to help. I'd go back to those days when I thought I was Superwoman and move everything myself but my physical limitations are barking too loudly. I got a letter from the specialist in Nashville. He is not recommending surgery. Instead he is recommending physical therapy. I've got to call back and get all of that taken care of.

I long for the days when I felt no pain. But then that is kind of stupid. Those were the days that I felt nothing. I was numb. I really don't want to go backward. These days there is little to worry about in that perspective. I feel all my emotions. Some days I actually feel like I'm drowning in them. Not sure that is such a good thing.

For Want of a Nail

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.


A phrase kept trying to creep into my head. I heard bits and pieces of it but I kept trying to latch on to "for lack of" or "if not for". I could never get quiet enough to hear what my inner voice was trying to tell me. Then last night I heard "for want of" and found this rhyme. I can't remember where I heard it but it seems that it is a nursery rhyme. Wikipedia says it talks about consequences. I think it talks about connectedness and sequencing. It was if my inner voice was saying, "First, this has to happen for that to happen." Or maybe it was, "You've got to go through this before you can have that." At any rate I got the message.

More than once it has occurred to me that there is something terribly wrong with me. Crappy things just seem to happen more than others. Then it dawned on me that I had allowed people and circumstances to skew my perception, to decrease my faith. Once again I had taken my eyes off of God and placed them where they did not belong.

I have had just as many miraculous things come out of the crappy events. In fact I am reminded that the bad often leads to the good.

It's been a rough weekend with my brother. I'm afraid he is going to wind up in some kind of facility rather than being able to go it independently. He isn't willing to try. Fear governs his life and he quits before he even begins.

I received three letters from my new sponsee. Al-Anon gave me the opportunity to correspond with someone in a women's prison. I've tried to keep it Al-Anon. I haven't asked any questions. I've let her decide what the topic will be. This weekend I discovered a lot more about her. She's revealed a lot in this last letter. She even went so far as to ask me for relationship advice. Me? I suck at relationships and I told her so.

When I was asked to chair this week's Awakening meeting I went back to my books and found a wonderful relationship reading on p. 326 of Hope for Today. My primary relationship should be my relationship with God, then myself and, lastly, others. Sometimes I get off track and put myself dead last. I'm still learning.

Got to get the final touches done on my portfolios. This means I have to go into an explanation of what each page means. Ugh! But I've got to do this or they'll never be finished.

Snow is in the forecast for today. I really hope it passes us by because it will effect driving conditions for tomorrow morning. Mom's having cataract surgery and I've got to have here at the hospital by 6:45 tomorrow morning. You can't see black ice in the dark.