Don't Worry, Be Happy
From the Movie "Cocktails"
Performed by Bobby McFerrin

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy

Look at me I am happy
Don't worry, be happy
Here I give you my phone number
When you worry call me
I make you happy
Don't worry, be happy

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got not girl to make you smile
But don't worry be happy
Cause when you worry
Your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
So don't worry, be happy (now).....

There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy


This morning when I logged onto the internet I discovered that the Al-Anon topic for this week is One Day at a Time and Just for today. I shared about how I used to worry a lot. I don't know if it's the antidepressants I'm on or whether I've truly learned to let a lot of things go but I don't worry like I used to. It seemed like synchronicity to me when I got into my truck after that share to hear the song above playing on the radio.

This weekend I've spent time on the telephone with both Elyce and Linda. Things aren't going well in their lives. They aren't happy. Tonight it was just Mark and I in our Al-Anon meeting. He isn't happy. I'm not unhappy. I'm not estatic by any stretch of the imagination but I'm content. I can't help my friends become happy again but I can listen and share my own ESH. All three of them thanked me for taking the time to allow them to talk. Mark especially seemed grateful. He normally doesn't talk a lot. For him to take up almost an entire hour as the one talking was phenomenal. But I really am not comfortable being in a meeting alone with him. He talks a lot about how unhappy he is in his marriage. I want to tell him to get out of it but I have no idea what the right thing for him to do is. Hey, that's a big thing for me to admit. And it's also a big thing for me not to want to rush in and mother the poor guy. I've given up mothering people.

I've had a peaceful weekend pretty much. I have enjoyed my own company and I've gotten some things done around the apartment. I feel pretty good about myself today.

I think a lot about the things that Kenny and I have talked about this summer. I think back on the Celestine Prophesy, the mystic readings and the discussions I've had off and on. I think I'm about to make the quantum leap that Kenny spoke about. I'm not so afraid any more.

I've been thinking (yeah, I know- groan). I have placed every man I've met in the last 4 years in Joey's shoes. And then I had to look at it from an even wider angle. I had placed Joey in my father's shoes as he was my primary alcoholic.

I did not bond with my mother as her time was taken up with my brother and his disability. I bonded with my alcoholic father who was seldom at home. So my primary male relationship was with a roller coaster of a man who fluctuated between being quiet and withdrawn to being a raging inferno. He died when I was thirteen.

I think I've spent my whole life trying to find my father's replacement in my life. It's not about trying to make someone be something they aren't. I think it's more or less an attempt to find something I've lost or to make amends for something. It's hard to explain.

All of this has come to mind because I am corresponding with Joey from time to time. I have no intention of becoming involved with him again but it's nice to talk to someone I have so much history with. It has made a difference. But I think the biggest difference has been in corresponding with my on-line friend, Kenny. He gives me an opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

We talked about all the people that we've lost since coming into recovery due to the changes in ourselves. It's ironic that when I got better, able to say, "No", people disappeared. When I decided that I could no longer live up to the expectations of others but could live my own, life, some cease to call or visit. You'd think it would be the other way around. But no, the healthier I get the less apt old friends and acqaintance are to want to be around me. Thankfully, for every door that closes, a door opens.

One of my lost ones seems to be wanting to come back through the door. My ex wrote me and I read it before I went to work this morning. I'm kind of glad I didn't shut that door completely because Joey and I had so much history together. But there isn't much of a chance of us getting back together.

The child with the multiple personalities may be getting some help. I think Divine Providence is stepping in. His mother went running to the Department of Human Services for help and wound up getting herself backed into a corner. Their willing to help her to the fullest extent. They are forcing her to take responsibility for her actions or the children get taken- all four of them. I was right about my little guy. He was abused. It was all there in the records.

One of the men who was in AA when my ex-husband began recovery died this morning. He was only 34 years old. He had relapsed a long time ago. Several of the AA members went to the funeral home to view the body and to pay their respects. I didn't go. I didn't know Jeff M. that well. It sure brought back memories about my ex to remember him though.

I spoke to my newest friend in recovery before the meeting. I'm so glad I get the opportunity to redeem myself with him. I think he's a special person. There was a newcomer for his group tonight. When she asked, "Is this where NA meets?" He told her it was and I said it's where all three groups meet. That's when Joe called us a family. He's right you know. It really doesn't matter which side of the disease you're on, we all suffer. Sometimes it's hard to see how everyone is affected when you are in the midst of the disease. Attending speaker meetings in the different groups or even hanging out with others who are serious about their recovery enlightens me.

In our Al-Anon meeting tonight our newest member spoke about finally having taken her mask off and how she has lost people and things because of that. We lose a lot when we begin to become who we are meant to be but we also gain as well. But any change, even good changes, have grief attached to them. I just think it's wonderful that we have a safe place to come to for talking about our problems.

I can truly say that life is getting better.

It's very ironic that my perpetual calendar should say what it does given the lyrics I have to share this morning.

Our tears
bring forth the poetry
of our soul.

Last night I went over to Lawrenceburg a lot earlier than I needed to for the meeting because I was bored. I rode through Davy Crockett State Park and looked at nature basically. I still arrived at the meeting house too early but I think that was a God wink as Mark showed up expecting a 7:00 meeting. He almost died when I told him that the meeting was not until 8:00. We had a porch meeting while I waited on the rest of the Al-Anon group to arrive. Good thing. He left as we entered the building for the meeting. Mark is in a bad way. He is desperately unhappy and Lois told him he should leave his wife. He was already thinking about it and it was all he needed to hear. Now he's getting even more aggitated because he's torn.

Mac showed up with Bobby. Bobby stayed on the porch and talked for a while. He showed me his 1 year chip and I hugged him. I talked to him for a while about my computer problems and he asked if I had talked to Mac about it. I had to inform him that Mac and I are barely on speaking terms- his choice, not mine. His entering the building rather than sitting and socializing should have told him that. I have a really bad feeling about Mac. It's not my business and I have side stepped it more than once. He's on his own.

Big Girls Don't Cry

As sung by Fergie

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da


I like the part about gaining clarity, peace and serenity. But it also pretty much sums up how I feel about some of my lost friendships.

*************************************************************************************

I'm a little concerned about my new classroom. I am getting behind in paperwork. I need to start staying after school to work on it.

I've come to accept that the cast of characters in this classroom are meant to be. Jennifer is a big asset. She is very capable. She's a little put out that I haven't gotten rid of Rosie. But I think Rosie's supposed to be in this classroom. In some ways he is a liability and I sometimes lose patience with him but he has information on a lot of things that are beneficial to me.

I've got grave concerns about one of my children. His mood swings and change in personality are unreal. I keep waiting for his head to turn all the way around like the girl in The Exorcist. He's got multiple personalities that can be really mean and vulger. But mostly he's a scared little kid. I see and hear it. We've formed some kind of bond. It revolves around religion. I'm not sure why. I've been advised to report what I'm seeing and hearing to DCS but I have no evidence to base any accusations on. I'm also not sure that the administration would back me if I were wrong. I prefer to go through Centerstone because he is on disability. I think they could order a blood test to see what he's been exposed to or if his chemical levels are way off.

I'm a little pissed off about the whole deal with medical equipment. We do not have any of the things that are in these kids' IEPs. That's a potential lawsuit. I also don't have a low enough assessment tool for my newest student. Talk about scraping bottom of the barrel. I'm reinventing the wheel it seems.

It is often our trials
that measure our inner strength
and beauty.

This is what my perpetual calendar says this morning. It's ironic really. This was the topic of conversation between myself and my sponsor last night.

I actually called her because I needed to talk about what had transpired at school yesterday. I spent the better part of my day dealing with my child that has multiple personalities. He had been badly treated over the weekend. He had numerous cuts on his body from a broken window and an attack by a sibling. I wound up with him in my lap holding him close and listening to him ramble about such horrible things. I can't sing worth a lick but I found myself rocking him in my lap and singing. I couldn't think of a single appropriate song for school (separation of church and state) and wound up singing songs I'd learned in church when I was a child. From my observation (and I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination) I'd say this child was born normal and his disability is a result of mistreatment.

It makes me angry. Here I am not able to have children of my own and I have to watch as a woman churns out baby after baby to mistreat and collect a disability check on. It just burns me up! If I could have brought that child home with me I would have.

It also makes me a little sad because the home has been investigated more than once. Nothing is ever done about it. My understanding is that DCS always calls the family before they visit. That gives them ample time to get their stories straight and to clean up. I spoke to my sponsor about it for a while last time. I thought if I went through Centerstone (mental health) rather than DCS they could investigate without forewarning. Since the child receives a disability check he falls under their jurisdiction.

I'm forming some sort of weird bond with this child. I'm not sure why I can get through to him while the others have fallen short. But for some reason he has become attached to me. It breaks my heart all the more.

By the end of today I may be a basket case. I plan on going to a meeting Lawrenceburg tonight. I think my sponsor may be attending also. I really wish her son would come back to meetings on Tuesday night. I miss seeing him.

Gratitude list for today-

A- Al-Anon, Awakenings
B- Breakfast
C- Cats, Christy because she delivered the paperwork I needed yesterday, clean clothes, cable
D- Dryer, Downy
E- E-mail, electricity
F- Faith, fan
G- God
H- Home
I- Internet, iron and ironing board
J- Joe, Joey, job
K- Kenny, kittens
L- Linda
M- Mom, Marian, music
N- Notes taped to my wall with inspirational sayings on them
O- Optimism
P- Prayer
Q- Quedarrius
S- Sanctuary, serenity, sanity
T- Telephone, truck, TV
U- Unconditional love
V- Values
W- Walking
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZZZZZ- after talking to my sponsor I got a good night's sleep

I have the oddest feeling that I've just gained some new members to my recovery family. One of the NA members sought me out last night to ask me about a mutual acquaintance. I told him what I knew and learned some information that I wasn't looking for to boot. I also felt impelled to share with him some of the things that I had gone through in the last few months. In return he spoke of his specific other and the need for him to have a program. I gave him my phone number and e-mail address because he asked for it. I sincerely hope his boyfriend will make his way into an Al-Anon meeting. I think I'd greatly benefit from knowing him. I e-mailed our mutual acquaintance and told him that I'd given out his e-mail address. I prepared to be yelled at. But I received a response informing me that he was glad that I had done it.

I can't explain this as it is beyond my understanding but I believe I'm supposed to know these men. I think they are going to become my newest teachers. I spoke of how much I had learned from Kenny and I think I impressed the NA member. I also spoke of the estranged friendship I have with Mac. Linda and I talked about it for a while last night. She still believes that I should cut Mac a break. But I'm having a hard time getting past the fact that he severed our friendship when I needed friends the most. I believe he saw himself as detaching but I see it as something else. I'm in therapy and I'm on antidepressants but still he does not answer my e-mails or phone calls as he used to. As I explained to Linda the friendship was severed without an explanation.

I still have problems. I don't know what to do about any of them. I give them to God and wait. I expect to have some repercussions from some of these problems but I can't worry about that right now. I can only focus on what is front of me or I'll fall back into that well that I've climbed out of.

Last night in our group we talked about our humanity. We're still sick. We still want to "help" our alcoholic loved ones at the expense of our own happiness and health. It was one of the things the NA member and I spoke about. Codependents give and give until there is nothing left of them and we call it love. It is one of the symptoms of those of us who come into Al-Anon. We cease to know where we end and our loved ones begin.

You can't order courage out of a catalog.
You just have to fake it as you go along.
Nobody can tell the difference
between great courage and great acting,
and the results are exactly the same.

That is what my perpetual calendar says this morning. It's ironic that my calendar speaks of courage because just yesterday a thought popped into my head as I was driving down the road. "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers."

The topic for the on-line Al-Anon group is Let Go and Let God. Letting go takes courage. Letting God handle it without trying to help also takes courage. Surrender takes courage. I never really had thought about such things in those terms.

I've also been thinking about how certain men in my past did and said things but later lied about it. I've had people try to convince me that I am crazy or made such things up. That hurt. It bothers me that people do either of those things. Why say something or do something designed to make me feel or act a certain way and then back off as nothing ever happened? Why try to convince me that what I saw, heard and felt weren't real? What bothers me even more is that they never own up to having done such a thing. And most of these people are in recovery! I thought AA and Al-Anon were supposed to be honest programs. I'm learning that recovery people seldom apologize for the things they've said and done. They may change some behaviors but they don't say, "I'm sorry." And sometimes I need to hear that.

Gratitude List

A- Awakenings
B- Brother, banana splits
C- Cats, carpet fresh, cable
D- Donuts
E- E-mail, '80's music, 8 balls
F- Faith, fan
G- God, grace
H- Hugs
I- Internet, ICCC
J- Jennifer, Joey, journal
K- Kenny, kisses
L- Love
M- Mom, Marian, meditation
N- Nota
O- Open minded people
P- Prayer, parking spaces that are close to the door
Q- Quilts
R- Radio
S- Serenity, silence, sanctuary
T- Truck
U- Ugly Betty
V- Vibrator ('nuff said)
W- Windows
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zero candy bars

I got up this morning with the same mindset as I did yesterday. I'm not going to Sumatanga. I feel like I need to send an explanation to Alice and Mickey. How do I explain that my instincts are telling me to stay home?

When I got up I discovered all that meowing that Cocoa kept up last night was because she had gotten sick. I had to clean the bathroom and I saw where she got sick in two other rooms. She's like my child. I may have to take her to vet but she seems fine now.

*************************************************************************************

A lot is said about detachment in our 12-step program. But do any of us really know what it means? In one of the Al-Anon daily readers detachment is simply summed up as “minding my own business.” But have you ever really looked up the word?

The word “detachment” comes from the root “detach”, which means to separate, disconnect, remove, sever, unfix, or unfasten. “Detachment” means separation or isolation.

I did not begin looking at the word “detachment” until I began looking at the many synonyms for the word “sanctuary”. Here is a list of the synonyms for that:

Refuge Shelter Relief
Safe haven Cover
Safe harbor Protection
Retreat Security
Asylum Defense

It was the word “retreat” that first caught my eye because I had been getting ready to go to an Al-Anon retreat. One of the meanings for the word “retreat” is “to withdraw”. That was what led me to the detachment.

Apparently the only way to have sanctuary is to withdraw or detach. But what am I withdrawing or detaching from? I can’t detach or withdraw from myself. No matter where I go, there I am. I can withdraw from life but it does not cease to exist, it continues with or without me. I can’t withdraw from my problems. They will not merely fade away. So, what is it that I am seeking sanctuary from?

I look to my list of synonyms again and I see the words, “defense” and “relief”. Now it begins to make more sense to me. Sanctuary offers me a relief from my burdens. I am able to sit in peace and rest. Sanctuary offers me a defense tool. While I am in this quiet place I may commune with God in prayer. I think of “still waters”. I think of Him restoring my soul.

The synchronicity of all this is that I look at my perpetual calendar and it says:

A soul is like
The surface of a lake-
When it is still,
It mirrors the beauty all around it.

Wow! I can envision the still waters and the silence. I feel safe and secure. That brings me to the synonyms, “protection” and “security”. That puts me in mind to a phrase I used to hear frequently in my childhood. I watched a lot of Tarzan movies. In one of the popular series he would say, “ This is my domain, and I protect those who come here, for I am Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle.” As a child I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to feel loved.

So, here I am in my fourth year of recovery and I’m about to make a monumental connection. God is like Tarzan. When I enter into contemplative prayer and communicate with my Higher Power, I am in His domain and He will protect me.

I don’t have to travel to a retreat to have this. My sanctuary is wherever I choose it to be. I can communicate with God anywhere. I also do not have to withdraw from people to achieve serenity. It’s not what I withdraw from but rather where I withdraw to. I withdraw to God’s loving embrace. There in lies my refuge.

I'm supposed to be going out of town this weekend to an Al-Anon retreat. But for some reason unknown to me I don't feel like taking this trip now. I haven't made any preparation for it which is totally unlike me. I went to a lot of trouble to get Mickey and Alice to okay my attendence without any money exchanging hands. And suddenly it feels like the trip is no longer necessary. But then I have that same feeling about house keeping. I feel like my medication alters how I look at things. That slogan, "How important is it?" seems to be a reality for me. I no longer stress over things as much as I used to. I really do "Let Go and Let God".

I've been thinking about this whole deal with Kenny. It bothers me that anyone would trash him the way that member did. I do not know him personally. We've never met face to face but he has helped me so much in my journey. He has taught me what true acceptance is. He seems to be very kind and gentle. I can't imagine him doing anything to harm anyone even verbally. I e-mailed one of the moderators about the matter because it seemed totally uncalled for to have one member trash another member on-line. I feel like I should jump to his defense even though he has not defended himself. I haven't received a response yet. I discussed the issue with my sponsor and a few e-mail buddies. The "spamming" that the member talked about doesn't seem to be so bad to each of us but we really aren't sure what she is referring to.

I logged onto my computer this morning to check my e-mail. I had several from one member of that on-line Al-Anon group that I belong to. I guess all of us got the same message. She was pissed off at my friend, Kenny. She's calling for all of us to blacklist him because she claims that he is "spamming all of us". I don't know what that means. So, like the researcher I am, I looked it up.

In the back of my mind I was worried that maybe I'd been scammed again. I wondered if it was okay for Kenny to have so much information about me. Was he on the up and up? My instincts tell me he is legit. I have no reason to doubt him. He's been so good to me. He actually helped me through one of the roughest periods of my life. I can't imagine him doing anything like what this woman is claiming.

I googled Kenny and I can't find anything suspect. All I see are the very topics that he and I have been discussing plus places where he was discussing his occupation. So, I sent him a virtual hug and told him that I still think he's a peach. I'm debating about addressing the group though. I feel like I should defend him even though he has, to my knowledge, made no attempt to defend himself. I really don't understand what he could have said to this woman. It can't be because he responded to her. I've had several respond to my shares.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from one of the on-line Al-Anon members concerning my share from Sunday. She thanked me for "being real". I find that odd. But then I think about something that my friend Linda tells me- my mask doesn't fit any more.

I spent a lot of time hiding from the truth and hiding the truth from others. Because of that the truth has grown so big that I can't hide it any more. It is bulging and escaping from the closet that it was shoved into and the bed that it was pushed under. The truth is that I'm scared and extremely insecure a lot of the time. That lost, neglected child that I've tried to grow beyond is still very present. I try to bluff my way through the day and pretend that I'm confident and capable but the truth is that a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed and out of my depth.

My perpetual calendar says:

When you let go
of worry and fear,
the rhythm of life as it is
will dance you to lightness and clarity.

I'm beginning to understand what that means. I've been stepping out in faith and trying to let go of things so that my Higher Power can take care of them for me rather than trying to handle them myself. I believe the antidepressants have calmed me down enough to see how messed up I really was.

In a few minutes I will be leaving to attend the new teacher's banquet that GCEA is hosting. Thankfully, I will know some people there. But I'm really not in the mood to mingle.

I went by the post office a few minutes ago. There is a letter from the bankruptcy attorney and the bankruptcy trustee. I'm not going to open it until after this banquet because I'm afraid of what it says. I also have something from the IRS and Gibson Brother's. I just don't have enough money for everything. If it weren't for the antidepressants I'd probably be falling apart right now.

I am going to mail Joey a response to his most recent letter. I don't owe him that but I'm going to do it any way. Truth is, I'm a little lonely right now and that worries me. That's what led me to marry him in the first place.

*************************************************************************************

Okay, it's 7:45 p.m. I just got through reading the letters from the attorney and the trustee. It's in Greek. I have no idea what I'm reading except that it looks like my payments have been reduced. But it also looks as if I have to appear in court on Oct. 7. This is a little scary.

The banquet was a lot of fun. I enjoyed the TEA speaker and I enjoyed my companions for the evening. I thought it ended much too soon. An old high school friend and an Al-Anon member sat with me. Susan H. and I talked Al-Anon for a little while. I told her that I'm very concerned about Mark. He spoke of wanting to leave his wife last night. I've known for some time that he wasn't happy and I've thought he would be making that decision soon. I just don't feel comfortable talking to him about it. He makes me nervous.

I had a wonderful time with my sisters last night. It's always fun to get together with Vicki, Mary Jo and Lisa.

This morning I've had my newest neighbor hitting on me. I have a feeling he's going to become a leach. I could smell the alcohol on him as he spoke to me and he looked to be pretty high. I think I'm going to have to find a new place to live. I began talking to him about recovery and encouraging him to go to AA. I even gave him a phone number to call. He's another Joey. And I don't do those any more.

Thankfully, I'm going to be gone all day. I've got an Al-Anon workshop to attend all day. I won't be back until this evening. I imagine he'll be sitting out waiting on me when I get home. I hope not.

Pay day! I'll be broke by the end of the day. LOL I hope I can ration my money. I've got to get used to only getting paid once a month. I'm going into Columbia after school to meet with my friends. Haven't seen them since June.

Linda questioned me extensively last night about what was wrong with me. I'm not really sure what's she's talking about. Where would I begin? She said that she knew something was wrong because I was talking at her and not to her. I told her I did something out of character for me that I was a little worried about but I didn't tell her what I did. I could have told her more but what good would it do? She can't help me.

Bluhaha! Life as we know it may be about to end or hell, may in deed, freeze over. The paradox responded to an e-mail. Just kidding. I was really glad to hear the sarcasm back in his short messages. He was the last one I thought would respond to the question about leaving an impression. But I had hoped that the e-mail would entice him to respond. Actually all the men I sent the question to responded and none of the women did. Interesting.

Went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. Needed ESH to prepare for the hurricane that is expected to hit the school today. I'm to chair a meeting this morning for a very high maintenance parent. Thankfully, I can say that I am not responsible for her attitude. The child is not in my class. But I pray that I do not say anything in the meeting to make matters worse.

I have RCIA class today for the first time. I'm kind of looking forward to that.

**********************************************************************************

This morning I stopped by the post office on the way to work and found a letter from my ex there. It seems that one of my former students is in the same prison that he is in. The poor kid is very slow and got on Joey's nerves, talking his ear off, reminiscing about the days back at KDS from the sound of it. Joey says he's done nothing but talk to him about me. The kid asked him for my address and I was so relieved to hear the protective side of my ex-husband kick into place. He remembered what some of those juvenille delinquents were like with me and refused to give him my address. Instead he took the letter that James wrote and sent it to me with his letter. I'm not writing James back. I don't do that sort of thing any more. I don't feel responsible for anyone else and my mothering instincts have shut down for now.

It's just odd to me that Joey would write just as I thought about writing to him. I don't think it means anything but when I sat down to write him back I excluded those things that I had wanted to talk to him about. Suddenly it just doesn't seem like such a good idea. Maybe it's the whole trust issue or maybe Linda is right. I'm just kind of reeling from his defense of me a few months ago when I told him what was going on. I'm really not sure if I will send a response to Joey just now. I may wait a while.

The meeting went well on my end. I didn't say much of anything. I was just there pretty much to take notes and be the case manager. It wound up being a conference call in the principal's office. I listened. I'm afraid to say that this woman is TNT. There is very much the potential of a law suit but she really doesn't have a leg to stand on. The county needs to stop catering to her. They're giving her more power.

My new wheel chair bound student will be at school tomorrow. I'm waiting for the nurse to complete her transformation from concerned medical expert to the wicked witch of the South. She has pretty much made it plain that she does not want my students in her nursing station and yet I listened as she lied about being the person who does the tube feedings. She wants everyone to feel so sorry for her. Damn! I'm the one doing all the work. Where does she get off? And what is there to feel sorry for? This is my job. It's what I do.

RCIA class was weird. I spent an hour just listening to history. I was given an assignment and told I was expected to ask questions. Boy, does he not know what he's getting into. I told the deacon that.

9/11

I'm trying to remember what year that all happened. I know where I was and what I was doing. I remember the events that happened around that time, too. For some reason my mind rewound back to my old classroom and I could see little Alisa and her wheel chair so clearly. But the memory that came to me this morning was her walking down to the gym with her walker to graduate and the standing ovation we received when she walked across the gym in front of the stage to get her diploma. Maybe that was God's way of reminding me that I can do my job after all.

Last night I had the wierdest dream about trying to catch a rat in my cats' pet taxi to help someone with their science project. The rat kept getting loose through a series of wild antics initiated by one of the cats. I think in the end I finally got the rat to its destination. I can't remember. I just know I woke up tired. Somehow I believe the dream has something to do with this new job. I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the experience of Malik and Amy's presense at the school or if it has anything to do with my marriage to Joey or my family situation and the fact that Mamie's daughter teaches at my school and could tell a lot of garbage about me.

My only hope is to keep my attention focused on that classroom like I did so many years ago while Joey was in prison and draining me. I hope the new student's IEP has been faxed to the school. I have no idea what goals to write for a student that I've yet to lay eyes on. I have no clue about his strengths and weaknesses.

Hero

As sung by Mariah Carey

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

The question of the day is:

Which of the following impressions would you like to leave people with about yourself?

dashingly handsome (beautiful), intellectually gifted, angelically good, artistically talented or superior of wit

I put that question to a few of my recovery buddies. Only two have weighed in.

Kenny, like myself, chose to think outside the box. I chose humility. Kenny, like the good ACIM student that he is, chose love. His response reminded me of the poem "Abou Ben Adhem."

Mac chose angelically good like I knew he would. A few minutes after I read his answer a song came on the radio. It was "Only the Good Die Young."

None of the others answered that e-mail. Kenny complimented me on being so clever. Mac said I cheated because my response of humble was not on the list. Go figure.

I have been served yet another serving of humble pie though so I think I chose the proper impression. First the principal doesn't seem to have much faith that I can handle the difficult parent meeting on Wednesday. Please. I don't think I'll say or do anything to botch it up. Second, I've been given yet another wheelchair bound and tube fed student. The special ed. supervisor didn't think much of the e-mail that I sent to her. I'm not trying to stir up trouble. I'm just trying to get them to see that my hands are tied. At lunch I feed the tube fed child and Jennifer feeds the other wheel chair bound child. Rosie doesn't do much of anything. Now, because the nurse really doesn't want to help me I've got to tube fed children to take care of. It takes a while to get the first one changed, fed and given her medication. Now I've got another one to do. Wish we had a different nurse. She is throwing her hat elsewhere. Maybe I'll get my wish before long. Third Linda sent me the pictures she took in Huntsville. I look gross. No wonder I'm still alone.

On the bright side without a phone I don't have to hear my aunts and Mom bicker at each other. But it will change tomorrow when it finally gets hooked up. Sometimes I really hate my life.

I am the light of the world.
My light is about forgiveness.

This is what my ACIM review said today.

Then I look at my perpetual calendar and it reads:

Anyone can harbor a grudge,
but it takes a truly courageous
person to forgive.

It dawned on me that forgiveness is really about unconditional love. Several thoughts popped into my head regarding the word "light". The song, "This Little Light of Mine" fits with the reading that was in the movie Akeelah and the Bee. "While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same."

Then I thought about what I'd just heard on the Whoopie Goldberg workshop that was on Bravo a few minutes ago. People are just people. The light is about allowing people to be themselves, accepting and loving them without placing labels on them. And that led me to the following reading and song.

Angels

Think well of me and I become better.

No one is as bad as his worst moments. No one is as good as his best moments. There is always the danger that you can judge a person for the rest of his life based on one single mistake that he has made. People are indeed crucified on the grounds of an incorrect attitude and a wrongful deed. And yet a bad characteristic is still not a bad person. One bad day is not a bad life.

If you dwell on the evil, you will do evil and you will repulse and corrupt people. If you dwell on the good, you will appreciate your fellow man and say: “You are welcome, you are worthwhile!” With good people everything becomes good again. Good people are a blessing to this world. You are a good person when you give
without thinking of yourself, without wondering about how you can benefit in the process, without waiting to hear a thank you. Man-you were not made to be a victim of industry, of production, of bank accounts or shopping centres. You were made to be human! You were created for the light, for joy, to laugh and to sing, to live in life, to contribute to your fellow man’s happiness and joy. Man- you were created in the image of a God who is love. With hands to give, a heart to love and two arms just long enough to embrace others!

I believe in the goodness of people, like I believe in spring when the Almond tree blooms.

Angels are people who are transparent. They are people who let light through. Where they are, everything becomes bright and clear. They are people filled with life who bring the dead alive. Angels are people who have received something of the original joy of paradise. Believe me, angels are beings of flesh and blood who keep the world straight in a visible way. Deep within them you experience something of the mystery of unfathomable goodness, which dawns on man through everything. In them love becomes tangible, so that you just want to embrace it. In these people I feel God approaching me with all his tenderness and concern.

You are busy with something. You just can’t seem to finish it. And then along some invisible antenna somebody somewhere gets an idea, a sort of instruction to come to you and help you, be a support to you, give you a boost or to comfort you. “You are an angel”, you then say. You say it to a man, a woman, a boy or a girl. Sex and age plays no part in it. Something good, something wonderful befalls you. Life becomes carefree and all pain disappears!

But you don’t receive angels by order. They often come quite unexpectedly, are often unnoticeably present, show you the way and then disappear again! I have met many angels. Sometimes they appear from the midst of a crowd, emerge from the street, take you by the hand and solve your problem and then disappear into the street of crowd again. Nameless, without waiting for a thank you.

There are still angels in the world. But there are too few angels that is why there is still so much darkness and so much misery. God is looking for angels among the people of our day. But too many people don’t see Him any more, don’t hear Him any more. They have put away or broken their antennae somewhere. They don’t pick up any signal any more and don’t transmit anything either.
Come on, you are an angel and there are enough people in your vicinity to whom you can be an angel.

God has given each person something, which they can use to make other people happy.

I walk in the street and see no leftist people and no rightist people. I only see “people.” I wriggle into trains and buses during peak hours and I see no leftist people and no rightist people, only people, hasty people! I walk around in clinics and hospitals and see no leftist people and no rightist people, only people, sick people, people with pain! Why should we divide people? Why give them a colour, stick a label on them? Why classify them as good or bad, as yellow and red, as leftist or rightist? Why?

Accept people the way they are; there are no other people.
UNITAS, August/September 2001
UNITAS is the South African Al-Anon Magazine



Angels Among Us

As sung by Alabama

I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angles among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places.
To guide us with their mercy, in our time of need.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.

To guide us with a light of love.

To guide us with a light of love.

I think I've finally caught the bug that has been going through the school. I'm sick. I think I'll go back to bed.

You know when you're not feeling well and you keep to yourself in order to heal the body, you have a lot of time to think. It came to me today that I really do need to talk to someone who will listen without judging me. I've thought about writing to Joey and telling him some of the things I've done recently that are bothering me. I just feel the need to tell someone. He's in no position to judge anyone and I think he'd understand. The problem is that I really don't want to get sucked into the whole friendship thing with my ex. I don't trust him but I really do miss talking to him. The last time I spoke to him he sounded like the Joey I knew and loved. He wasn't anything like that monster that he became while he was on drugs and drinking. Still, it's probably not in my best interest to get back into that.

I guess in some ways Mac was right. I did see some of my male friends as Joey but not in the sense that he thought. It's just that I missed having a male friend that I could confide in. It's not the same with female friends. I can't explain it really. It was never than anyone became Joey. It was more like all of these men were stepping in to fill the void that was left from my primary alcoholic- my dad. See, I never felt like I fit in with Mom and Barry. They have this bond that I've never been included in. I didn't really have that with my dad but with him being the only parent left to bond with...well, I became Daddy's little girl. It wasn't like I was looking for a father figure. I just felt the need to fit somewhere with someone.

Last night I was watching this movie called "Love on the Side" and I heard the primary female character say the words that I feel. At some point I just want someone to want to be with me. I want to be loved for who I am at this moment, not someone that I will become. I may never be all that a man wants but I had always hoped I might be what they need.

Before I die I want to know what it feels like to be loved, truly loved, and wanted. I don't want to be needed any more. I don't want to be leaned on for a while but I would like to experience for a brief time what it is like to lean on someone.

I've made a mess of a lot of things in my life. I've been taking responsibility for them, too. But there are times that I feel like the unwed pregnant mother who is left to have a baby with no support and to raise it on her own. I took on the responsibility of a bankruptcy when the debt belonged to both Joey and I. Yet I am the only one paying for them. It's not that I'm in the self-pity mode. Although sometimes I go there. It's not that I'm angry or resentful either. My biggest issue is that of guilt and shame. I wish I'd have chosen a different path at times.

I've said and done a lot of things that I'm not proud of in an attempt to figure out what I believe, feel and think. I confess that sometimes I get lost in my thoughts. Sometimes I actively avoid them and try to drown them out with other issues. But in the end, when I'm faced with myself, I try to identify my feelings, decipher my thoughts and rethink my belief system.

Today I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I still have a lot of problems and hurdles to jump but with God's help I'll make it.

Gotta Go My Own Way

From the High School Musical

Gabriella
I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
doesn't seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be ok..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way
Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another color turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me
you'll be ok..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Troy
What about us?
What about everything we've been through?

Gabriella
What about trust?

Troy
You know I never wanted to hurt you

Gabriella
And what about me?

Troy
What am I supposed to do?

Gabriella
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

Troy
I'll miss you

Gabriella
So I've got to move on and be who I am

Troy
Why do you have to go?

Gabriella
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

Troy
I'm trying to understand

Gabriella
We might find our place
in this world someday
but at least for now

Troy
I want you to stay

Gabriella
I wanna go my own way
I've got to move on and be who I am

Troy
What about us?

Gabriella
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

Troy
I'm trying to understand

Gabriella
We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now
I gotta go my own way
I gotta go my own way
I gotta go my own way

If it were easy,
anybody could do it.

That's what my perpetual calendar says today. It seems prophetic to read those this morning in lieu of the meeting that will occur this morning. But it also fits the discussion that I had at the clubhouse last night. Recovery isn't easy. Life isn't easy for that matter. Sometimes I feel as if I was born behind the 8 ball.

The meeting this morning is not with a parent, thank goodness. It's with all the other characters involved to see if we can get everyone on the same page. I do not want my name on something that is being handled so carelessly by so many people. If one person drops the ball anywhere, a law suit will be pending. I'm a little more than concerned about that. I'm also concerned about whether the assistants can handle the classroom without me in it. Rosie is of no help to Jennifer at times.

After school I've got to remember to make a run out to Centerstone to connect with the doctor. I need to rearrange that next appointment due to the Sumatanga retreat but I also need a prescription for my medication.

Mom's coming here today while I'm at school to let the cable and internet guys in. I've got to run the key by to her this morning because when I gave it to her yesterday, I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment when I went to my meeting and had to go retrieve it. Before I go to Centerstone this afternoon I'll run her home.

*************************************************************************************

Score one for me! I've got cable! I haven't had cable since late April or early May. I've got the internet through the electric company, too. And on Monday I'll have a telephone.

Meeting this morning went well. I think when dealing with this parent there ought to be a little more communication between the parties involved. She seems to be into divide and conquer. Not sure that the drama queen speech teacher should be on the case however. She knows her job but she does tend to over react to things and keep them stirred up.

Jennifer discovered where Rosie goes when he disappears. She found him in the break room today reading the paper.

I reached out to my on-line Al-Anon group for ESH last night because I'd learn a lot of new information about that screaming meanie up there at my old school. It brought back a lot of feelings and I really needed a meeting. A few of the members that I'd never seen in shares reached out back to me. One even offered to call and talk to me long distance.

The thing is that I saw my life go down hill when that child's behavior increased. His behavior and the black truck breaking down were the straws that broke me. I wound up in therapy two years ago but never got to the root of the problem. I'm getting closer this time.

Over My Head (Cable Car)

As sung by The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's (He's) on your mind
She's (He's) on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's (He's) on your mind
She's (He's) on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's (He's) on your mind
She's (He's) on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's (He's) on your mind
She's (He's) on your mind

Everyone knows
She's (He's) on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's (He's) on your mind

I am so, so very grateful for my on-line Al-Anon friend, Kenny. He and I have been exchanging e-mails about relationship issues since my telephone is out. Monday was the funniest exchange. He would rapidly fire back a succession of e-mails as he broke down my first exchange. We must have sent 20 messages back and forth in 30 minutes time. Yesterday he was a little slower. I suspect he was in a more reflective mood. At any rate I've found another mirror.

The air conditioner here has gone kaput. I think an electric surge knocked it out the other day. It's a brand new air conditioner! !@#$% It could not come at a worse time for me. I'm either going through hot flashes or getting sick because even in air conditioning that works I'm hot. I'm banking that I'm getting sick. I've been exposed to too many who are sick.

The RCIA classes will begin next Wednesday. That works out better for me than beginning this week. I was pushing it to get over to the church.

I did something highly unethical today and totally out of character for me. I hope I won't reap the whirl wind because of it but if I do I will take complete responsibility for my actions. I will not say what it was that I did but I will say that I would not have done it if I'd had any other options. Just wish my conscience didn't bother me so much.

This morning I got up looking forward to the day. I don't think it's my antidepressant medication. I think it is because I worked 3 days on my classroom and have some things in place that will work. But I also think it is a result of making a few minor changes in my routine.

First I brought my radio back home from the classroom. It dawned on me that part of what I looked forward to in my drive to and from work was the music playing on the radio or the silly discussion between the DJ and his coworkers. But it had also occurred to me that without cable I had relied heavily on the VCR/DVD player. Without it I had nothing except the CDs that I could listen to being played on the computer. But that didn't offer me a variety. Listening to music is my connection with my Higher Power and the rest of the world.

Second I reached out to Kenny and although I did not tell him whom I was talking about I got to get my feelings about it out in the open. I am amused for the most part. I feel like I know something down in my bones that is coming down the pike and I am so looking forward to it. At the same time I feel like I know the who, what, when, where and how of the situation and I am confused. I had pretty much written off the who in this equation because he seemed so far off the path about who I am that it bothered me tremendously. I'd also written him off because he kept me confused with what he said and his actions. They didn't go together. Kenny reminded me of something. God doesn't have a pen to write people off. If something is in His plan, it will happen. The thing about it is that it requires a 180 degree turn or greater on the part of this other person.

Third, I relied on my own ingenuity to get some things done. I still have things I have not done due to laziness of my own but they will get done. The beauty of living alone and not having company is that you can take your time about the things you do around your home.

Fourth, I set a boundary with Elyce due to the limited minutes on my cell phone. I spoke to her twice yesterday. I listened and repeated the same thing I always say to her about her financial situation. She needs a separate checking account from her alcoholic.

All in all I feel prepared for the day. I know I'll hear a little flack from the assistants and the kids but, oh, well.

*************************************************************************************

Today went very well. The kids adjusted to the new schedule. I got the impression it was more in line with what they were used to. And the assistants did not balk at all. I was surprised.

I began bus duty today with the librarian. Two days this week I'll be later leaving at the end of the day.

I begin RCIA classes soon. I'm the only one to sign up. The deacon says we'll meet twice a month. What I didn't understand was that he wanted me to take part in my first Easter ceremony in Fayetteville rather than in Pulaski. He said we'd talk about it later.

Mac e-mailed today to say that his computer has been in the shop and that that was the reason for the silence on his end. Huh? What made last week different from all summer? I'm so used to him not talking to me that it really went unnoticed. I just responded by saying that I was without a telephone until Friday when hopefully everything will be hooked up. What point was there in commenting on what his behavior has been like the last few months? I've come to believe that we aren't going to be friends again. And I'll never really know the truth behind what happened. I tend to think that someone has been repeating half statements and twisting them around to suit. But who really cares? A person who only wants to be my friend when things are going well isn't really a friend worth having. Life happens and it isn't always pleasant.

I guess what really hurts the most is that I felt that I had finally found a "family" that I fit in with. I've discovered that it was all an illusion. So, I'm back to feeling like I belong nowhere.

I spent 2 hours in my classroom today. I got 3 workstations set up for my mobile children. I'm using those cages that the previous teacher had built for two of them. I put together a grid of 4 activities that each student has to do in order to earn something like a visit to the sensory room, computer time, or story time. I used the old picture cards I found. I wish I could find the Board Maker CD so that I could make some more appropriate cards but these will have to do for now.

I did not accomplish all that I set out to do. For one thing I didn't redo the bulletin board. But I ran out of energy. Didn't sleep too well last night. I think I'm getting sick.

I was not the only teacher at the school today though. A third grade teacher came in to mop her room. It seems she's infested with ants.

I was thinking some more on the topic of humility and then I glanced at my perpetual calendar. Today's reading says:

When you listen
to your inner voice
and let your truth shine through,
your being will expand
and bless all the things
surrounding you.

I think that inner voice is God. I think that truth is my relationship with God and the clarity of who I really am. That expansion is my relationship with others.

I've exchanged a lot of enlightening e-mails with Kenny this evening. I have such a weird feeling about something coming down the pike and I feel like I know who is involved. I was vastly amused until I began talking to Kenny. Now I'm reflective. The songs today on the radio have been speaking to me about a lot of things but this one seemed to be an answer to one of Kenny's statements about shadows and light.

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me


Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Caribou



I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

The message my Higher Power is sending me today is that there are better things coming down the pike. Thank goodness for that. I don't think I can stay in this valley much longer.

I pawned my DVD/VCR player and the rare coins. I did what my Higher Power told me to do. They didn't bring much but they bought a few groceries and put a little gas in the tank. There is still that little TV out there and if they were able to fix the VCR in it I will get $20 for it. That's gas and money for the lunchroom lady (my charges are adding up).

I got out early this morning with the Wal-Mart charge card that the central office gave me and I stayed well within my budget. I even found 2 floor puzzles! Then before I went to the pawn shop I swung by my classroom and rearranged some things. I'm not finished yet but I have tomorrow and Monday that I can finish it up. I did get a lot done in 2 hours. I don't know if the two assistants will be happy with their new work stations but I had to get them off those computers and back onto the floor with the students. I've got a few things to fix up for the two wheel chair students and the makings of centers. It will take a while for me to get some things put together because I'm still missing some materials and I need an extra person to help me with some lifting. But all in all I am pleased with the way my classroom is shaping up. But I still don't like the cages that the previous teacher put in. They're bolted into the floor. There's no hope of getting them undone.

I need to work on my own home before Friday when the Pulaski Electic people come by to install the internet,phone system and cable. They need to have better access to the TV and computer. So, I'll be cleaning here off and on as well as working in my classroom. With out my VCR/DVD player to entertain me, there isn't much else I can do. I can watch TV as I work in my classroom and I can bring my radio back to the apartment to listen to as I clean here.

It came to me last night that it's not so much as feeling victimized and trapped in my circumstances as it is that I'm emulating my mother. I need to be more proactive like my father was. The phrase "act as if" came into my mind and I decided to act as if things are going well or in another sense "to fake it 'til I make it". I may not have all the tools I need to get the job done but I do have something deeply engrained in my personality that I learned from my father. I can improvise. I can take a few odds and ends to rig up something that will work for a little while until something better comes along. That's the legacy that my father left me- it was not some old coins that sat in the lock box. He also taught me to earn what I get. He was a worker and a scavenger. He did the best he could with what he had and so am I.

Life isn't wonderful but it's a far cry from what it was.

I have no clue what is going on in the world around me. I might as well be on an island. But it makes what is happening to me all the more real. It's just God, me and the cats. Not a bad place to be really. It gets a little lonely at times but it was somehow lonelier when there were all these people around. They expected me to be something I wasn't and could never be. Maybe now that the real me is shining through I'll see who my true friends are.