Yesterday was a crazy day. My truck was still not fixed and although I had two telephone numbers of people willing to pick me up for work, I chose to call Carrie instead. I had worked a little on her family tree and I wanted to give it to her before her family gathered for Christmas. That way her mother would have time to look at it and discuss it with her siblings. When Carrie brought me home yesterday she offered to pay me for my research. I turned her down because I felt that her picking me up and dropping me off was payment enough. I hated not having transportation because I felt as if my independence had been taken from me.

All of my students were present and accounted for yesterday. Two of the wheel chair students were still not 100%. I spent most of the morning trying to prop them up by sitting behind them or with pillows. They needed to sit up so that they could breath and cough up some of that stuff that was in their chest. I asked for a sub for that vacant spot that they've been interviewing for since everyone was present. The rerouted the newly hired person to us instead but then her replacement came by to say that she had to leave. The school where her child was had called and told her to meet them at the emergency room. We didn't get a sub until afternoon when we no longer needed the extra hand. We tried finishing our gingerbread house. It looked like a redneck version we were propping it up with boxes and crafting sticks. Then it just caved in and fell apart. Oh, well. We tried.

When I got home I noticed a lot of things awry in the kitchen. On closer inspection I could see that someone had busted the lock on the back door and had broken in but when I inspected my apartment I couldn't find anything else out of place or missing. I called the landlord to get the lock fixed and discovered that he had broken in because my neighbor had said that he thought that I was dead because my truck hadn't moved in two days and he had not seen me. He spoke to the wrong neighbor. Several saw me walking to school, waiting on a ride and being dropped off. Go figure.

I called the dealership and made a deal with them to have someone come jump off the battery. I'll owe them money for that when I make my truck payment. I let it rev up for 15 minutes or so. I couldn't leave the apartment because I was waiting on the landlord to come fix the back door. Hopefully my truck will run today when I go to start it. I have no one to call for help.

A cousin sent me a little forward about summing self up in one word. You're supposed to send it to friends and see how many different descriptions come back. Only one came back so far. The paradox says I'm codependent. Big surprise. Eye roll on that one. I thought he'd actually say "judgmental" or "crazy" because that's how he's been describing me. It sounds like he hates me. I don't understand why. I've left him alone and I've ceased talking about him. His name rarely comes up in conversation. I spoke to him at the anniversary because he was one of the few people that I knew there. But even then I spoke briefly and moved away from him because I sensed that he really didn't want me around. Codependent? Yes, I am but I'm getting better. How can one be codependent when they spend all their time alone? I rarely go any where or spend time with others. I have only one friend that I call and she lives 4 hours away from me. I rarely e-mail people any more. I'm working on myself and not focusing so much on others. He has no clue who I am. Too bad.

I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I was wiped out. My job takes a lot out of me. I stay moving and do quite a lot that my assistants are supposed to help me with. I only have one that is willing. And then, too, I'm catching what they have. My chest is hurting. This crap is in my lungs. I look forward to this weekend when I can sleep in. I'd have taken today off as it is my Al-Anon birthday but there are no subs to be had. Oh, well. It's only a big deal to me. No one else cares.

Well, the truck didn't start this morning. I had to call one of those who had given me their phone number to hitch a ride to school. My arthritis was really acting up this morning. I could not have walked.

Since I've been home I've had the dealership put in a new battery. There's a new noise coming from the engine and I have no idea what it is. Maybe it's just the newness of it all. I have no idea. I'm just glad to have my truck back.

Heard a song today that I'd never heard before. Liked the lyrics.

Just My Imagination

As sung by the Cranberries

There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality

It was just my imagination [x3]

There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
It's the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I've always put my cards upon the table
Let it never be said that I'd be unstable

It was just my imagination [x3]

There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We'll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality

It's not my imagination [x3]
Not my [x18]


I'm not looking for anyone to create a reality with. I'm pretty happy by myself right now. I just don't trust people as much as I used to. I definitely don't want to go back into something where I lose myself again. You know what I mean?

I went to bed around 7:30 last night because I was worn out. I slept right through until I had to have my trip to the bathroom around 2:30. I went right back to sleep. I got up when the alarm rang at 5:00 with my chest hurting. It felt like someone had punched me. That should ahve been an omen for things to come.

When I went out to start my truck it was dead. I was determined to get to work because I had Q's meeting this morning. I set out on foot. The only neighbor stirring would have driven me to work but her husband had the car. I walked two blocks to Hwy 64 and crossed over. I got all the way through the cemetery, that's another three blocks. I was half way through the sixth block when a fellow teacher picked me up. I was rather proud of myself. I was within a block and a half of school before I began to run out of steam.

I've since called the dealer ship and Ruby to see if someone might jump start my truck. My ride home didn't have jumper cables and mine are no longer good. The receptionist at the dealership is asking around to see if they will come assist me and I await Ruby's call back. I don't want to ask any of my recovery buddies because they always seem to think I'm hitting on them or expect a huge payment. I am broke- no money to give anyone. And I have no interest in anyone at the Betterway House. No use calling family. They never have helped me in the past and they won't help me now. Those that would help me, can't.

At any rate I know that I can walk to work or bike. I'm just a little intimidated by my new bike. The brakes work a little too well and I really don't want to end up at school skinned up from falling off my new bike. I'd rather walk. But I also have two phone numbers to call in case I need a lift. It's funny the two numbers I have are from two people who have pretty well snubbed me. By the time the truck gets fixed I may wind up knowing a lot of my coworkers a little better.

We had Q's meeting today. I hate to say this but he is going to be a child that falls through the cracks. His aunt did not show. The DCS caseworker did but it does not look hopeful. The school board has been footing the bill for Q's psychiatric appointments but they aren't willing to do it any more. The psychiatrist has about washed her hands of it any way. I really had to hammer home the importance of Q keeping his meds. The psychiatrist refuses to write another prescription for him. He only has two weeks of meds left. After that he will be climbing the walls. The principal says her reaction will be to suspend him to protect the other children. She hopes that will prompt the aunt into action. My guess is that she will wind up taking him to the emergency one of these weekends when she can't control him and that will force the issue. In the meantime, hopefully someone will call Centerstone to set up an appointments. We're looking at a wait of about 30 days. Who knows what will happen in that length of time.

My heart goes out to him. We're all doing whatever we can to get him stablized. Carrie bought a gingerbread house kit. His face lit up when he saw it. None of us know how to do this but we're doing a little each day.

Before he left today Q asked me to marry him. I had to explain that he was too young for me. He's formed a weird bond with me there's no doubt.

"Make this moment last."

That's what my perpetual calendar says. I just wonder how to go about making a moment last. It seems to me that when I hold onto resentments I make moments of hurt feelings, misunderstanding and anger last and last. It's as if nothing good ever happened. So, how do I go about holding onto those moments where I had perfect serenity, or clarity about a situation, or love. How does one hold onto love? I think the key to making any moment last is to live it and let it go. But what do I know?

My boy Q had on new clothes today! I guess my phone call to DCS netted him some new threads. I was so happy for him. He had a better day today. He actually got through 3 rotations of basket work today. He rarely gets through with one. I didn't see any of his other personalities until the end of the day. I don't know what maked this one pop out but he was actually talking to another personality before he turned his attention to me.

His re-eval meeting is tomorrow. I'm still a little put off by a psychologist who won't retest him. I'm also put off by the special education supervisor who went to the psychiatric appointment without the child and has decided not to come to our meeting. I haven't heard from DCS. The aunt wrote down the date but I doubt that she will come either. The OT and the psychologist are the only parties who have queried me about the meeting. Go figure.

At any rate another professional- the COTA- commented that Q and I have an unusual bond. I'm not sure why this child has latched onto me. At one point in time I thought that I was having a repeat of the screaming meanie incident. I thought Malik was possessed, too. One of my gifts is being able to get inside the mind of a disable child to figure out how best to teach them skills. I never could get inside Malik's but I think I've found the key to Q. I've got to learn how to detach from him. I think about him and pray. Sometimes his face interrupts my sleep. That's when I pray.

Nothing new to add. I had wanted to take my sponsor out to eat for her birthday but the flat tire took all the money I had left. I just spent the last of my money- $6.50- doing my laundry. That's all the money there was left until December 15. I feel bad about not taking Marian to dinner but hopefully she isn't too upset with me. She's had company for almost a week now. She's probably grateful for the down time. Besides with seven children, I figure one of them cooked for her or took her out. Or at least I hope that they did.

Just a couple of brief thoughts here.

* After the whole tire blow out I am now officially broke until December 15. I was stressing myself out over Christmas presents for the District members. I had enough butterfly things and knick knacks put back for the women. I had bought a few things for a gift basket for the men. Thankfully there are only two men. I'll have to swing by the club house and retreive my baskets and celophane to get those fixed up.

* When I pulled out my Christmas decorations yesterday, two other things hit me. First, I'm not putting my tree up in the Al-Anon room this year. I'm going to be selfish and put it up in my own home. Hopefully the cats won't climb it. Second, I found that I had gifts that I could give the Drama Queen and Mr. Excitement aka Taylor and Q. I just need to figure out what to get the wheel chair bound children. Thankfully the last day of school will come after the 15th.

* Finally figured out which actor the paradox reminds me of. After seeing his childhood picture with the blond curly hair, I've decided that he reminds me of Andy Dick.

* I've read two of Frank Peretti's books about spiritual warfare. I checked out another one called The Prophet but it isn't starting out as good as the other two that I've read. I also found one called Abiding Darkness by another author. It may be good. I've only read the cover so far.

* When researching spiritual warfare on the New Advent website I came across Father Stephanos dialogues with two satanists. I'm seeing a lot of that same behavior with Q. So, naturally I'm interested in what these people have to say.

* Q's mother apparently did not turn herself in as she was supposed to. She called several times to aggravate the school nurse about his medication. This Steve/Stephanie was on the line at the same time. At one time I was on the telephone with them. I had two in my ear and then the nurse attempting to talk to me at the same time. It's a zoo. The poor boy had been without medication for 5 days. Last Tuesday I attempted to get some help for the aunt but no one was interested in helping. There's only so much I can do. His re-eval meeting is on Wednesday. It should be fireworks.

* Q hit me twice today in the chest as I was wrestling with him. I'll have some new bruises. The OT bought a stuffed ginger bread man doll to use as an incentive to get him to work. It worked for a little while. But Q wants to do what Q wants to do. Around 9:30 he was out like a light. He slept almost an hour. He took a short nap after lunch, too. But got up when he heard that I was about to paint some kind of scene on the classroom windows. So, Jennifer and I entertained the Drama Queen and Mr. Excitement for almost an hour as we painted snowmen, children, Christmas trees and gingerbread houses and men on the windows. It turned out to be a pretty good day all in all. We sent Kristopher home after he threw up a few times. Samantha and Corey were out sick. So, it was really just Jennifer and I entertaining two children.

* I'm thinking about taking Friday off as it is my Al-Anon birthday. I won't be able to do anything special as I'm broke but maybe just being free from work would suffice as a celebration.

* Linda asked me how I was going to treat myself for Christmas. I really don't know. I had told her that I'd like a pedicure but I'm having trouble with my right foot. My diabetes is really beginning to tell on me in my feet. I've got two toes that are not looking so hot. But if I could afford a massage I'd gladly take that or even a soak in a hot tub somewhere. That would be wonderful.

As I embrace my courage
and release old doubts and fears,
I rediscover treasurers
I've kept hidden through the years.
I'm finding ways to follow
the desires within my heart,
Accepting the support I need
to make a brand-new start.
I give myself permission
to become more fully me,,
To reach, to stretch, to grow,
to have life...abundantly.

This is what my perpetual calendar said this morning. For some reason a quote from where I can't remember keeps springing to mind. Something about having life more abundantly. It's not from this calendar. It seems to me it comes from someone's stand up comedy act. But I can't remember whose. My Christian comedy tapes were last seen when I lived in Winchester. My godson, Ricky, borrowed them. There's no telling where they are now. I haven't had contact with any of those people in over 13 years.

As I drove past the college this afternoon a memory hit me. It was something I said while visiting Samantha at her dorm and it was the conversation that I had with Jeff Harwell afterward. Man, was I dumb! I'm so glad I'm not that person any more. All I can say is that I am my mother's daughter. I have a lot of her mannerisms. Isms. Yep, that's right. I have my mother's isms. But I don't blame her for what I was or what I became. I thank her for it. If not for her, I would not be who I am today. And I really love the me that I've become.

I went to the library today after I had read my second Frank Peretti book. It was as if I were being urged to go. It was no coincidence that Susan H. was in there at the same time that I was and looking at the same row of book shelves. I was as cordial as I could be under the circumstances and then I left. I really don't wish to engage in conversation with her. She isn't one of my favorite people at the moment. I always feel like less of a person in her presense. She has a knack for probing into my faith. I don't know why she's so hellbent on doing my inventory. I'm working on my spiritual side at my own pace and I'm growing. If I don't grow as she wants me to and in her time, that's not my fault.

You know it's rather liberating to let go of other people's opinions. I don't do it 100% yet but I'm getting there.

I've been praying for Q and his brother. I hope they both had a peaceful Thanksgiving holiday. I'm almost afraid to see what condition he comes to school in in the morning.

I also went online and found a potential OA sponsor. Hopefully she'll want to sponsor me. I await an answer.

I've got a lot to do today. Some of it revolves around my brother. Ugh! Oh, it's not that I don't love my brother. It's just that most of my life has revolved around him or my mother in one way or another. It's just since I came into Al-Anon 4 years ago that I feel that I have my own identity. I'm not willing to give it up. You know what I mean? Boundaries were very hard to set with these two. I've had to have some very rigid ones in these last few years. But maybe it's time to relax them a bit.

Any way, Barry has to cash his weekly allowance check and get his hair cut today. He'll have to cash it before I go to work at the library. I mistakenly thought Tom and Marian's anniversary celebration was today and rearranged my work schedule last week with George. So, I'm working from 10-1 today. Barry will have to get his hair cut after I leave the library at 1:00.

I got all sorts of things screwed up with that anniversary celebration. First I had the wrong night and then I had the wrong time. Not like me to turn things around so badly. I'm lucky I knew what my name was last night. Not sure what caused all that. I'm willing to blame it on the holidays and a full moon.

The celebration was nice. I think I was assigned to Andy last night but I might be mistaken. He might have just been introduced because of our mutual interest in genealogy but he did manage to put a name with most of the faces at the gathering. Of course, by the time I sat down with the Monday morning Al-Anon group who attended, I had forgotten the names. I had to ask Mike to tell Jean who most of them were. Forgetting name wasn't anything new. Candy from that Monday morning group couldn't remember mine. I told her that I was Yo. Diane elaborated by saying that I was Yolanda. And Mike told her that it was actually that the word "crazy" should be put in front to Yo. Not sure what he meant by that but I choose to see myself as neurotic rather than crazy. Not much difference but it makes me feel better. I'm less harmful that way.

You know it was nice to have Al-Anon so represented last night. I think Marian is like myself- she's burnt out and feels like she doesn't matter to her own home group. And yet, they showed up in force. Jane was there from the Sunday and Tuesday night group. Susan E. was there from Lewisburg with her new boyfriend, Ronnie, in tow. It was kind of surprising that Jerry and Patty did not show after he made such a big to do over it when she mentioned it. But you know what? I'm glad. I can't explain my feelings about that other than it feels like he has the need to be apart or one up me in everything I'm involved with. Doesn't make sense. He's married now. Oh, well. I don't care. I march to my own drummer. If anyone can keep up more power to them.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Tom wound up at our table for a little while. He asked me if I was going to talk. For once I didn't have anything to say. I was just soaking up on the atmosphere. That sense of family togetherness and love isn't something I experience in my own family. So, it's nice when I come in contact with it.

I left around 8:30. When I made my way over to Marian she actually apologized for not spending more time with me. Me? This night was about her, not me. She told me that I was an angel. An angel? Me? I had to tell her that if I had a halo there were horns holding it up.

*************************************************************************************

Well, my day began with the best of intentions and then I had a flat tire while on my way to pick up Barry. The battery on my cell phone was low. I thought to call George but didn't have his number. I called Mom and had her look it up. He wasn't home. Then this thought hit me, "Dummy, you're just down from the church. Call Deacon Mike." I didn't have his number. I had to call Mom and have her look it up. He came immediately and changed my tire. Of course, I also got a lecture about letting my tread get so thread bare. But it was worth it.

I watched several trucks and cars whiz by me. None stopped. A cop was in the parking lot across from me and he didn't come to see what the problem was either. I thought that was pretty low. Once again it hit home that I have no one to call in case of emergency. Maybe it's time to start collecting phone numbers of church members. I don't know.

At any rate getting the tire situation fixed depleated my bank account. Pay day isn't until Dec. 15. It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

We Are Family

As sung by Sister Sledge

(CHORUS:)
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(FLY!) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose

(CHORUS x2)

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

(REPEAT CHORUS TO FADE)


I have been reminded more than once that in the past it has been the three Hugheys - Mom, Barry and me- who stood alone, separate from the rest of the family. We were ostracized by family members and we isolated ourselves because we did not fit in with them. Then, Mom and Barry decided that they would not allow the others to treat them in such a way. Me? I continued to boycot family gatherings because I really didn't want to hear how I failed to measure up to their standards. I sought out others.

Today I will be with the other two Hugheys- Mom and Barry. I hope I can make it though the day without losing my temper or hypervenilating. I have not been in Mom's home for more than 30 minutes at a time since Joey left. The guilt ate at me. The shame almost buried me. The anger and resentment of having to do so much for two people so needy took my life. So, I walked away from the responsibilty and as a result am viewed as lower than low by my mother's family. I was still around for small things but I refuse to go back to being totally responsible. I signed them up for every service that was available to them. I couldn't take care of myself for a period of time and thus, was unable to take care of them.

*************************************************************************************

I spent a little over an hour at my mother's house. She said we'd have to do this again soon. I said that they never ask me. Barry said that they were under the impression that I was avoiding the house like the plague. I had to tell them it was because I didn't want to clean up after them any more. I listened as Mom told Barry that he'd have to get rid of some things before Betty, the lady cleaning for them, came. I commented that I just got tired of being cussed at and fussed at when I did the same things that Betty is doing for them now.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night in Lawrenceburg. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in one but I figured I needed one because of two events that were coming up involving family.

We talked about the events that went on at the area assembly. We talked about my home group. Jane made an interesting comment. She said something along the lines of what if Al-Anon needs to die as a whole to be reborn. It got me to thinking. I don't think the fellowship as a whole needs to die. Certain groups, such as mine, may need to but I don't think the fellowship should. I prayed about it and two things came to my mind. One is a song and the other is a poem.

One Voice

As Sung by Barry Manilow

Just One Voice,
Singing in the darkness,
All it takes is One Voice,
Singing so they hear what's on your mind,
And when you look around you'll find
There's more than
One Voice,

Singing in the darkness,
Joining with your One Voice,
Each and every note another octave,
Hands are joined and fears unlocked,
If only
One Voice
Would start it on its own
We need just One Voice
Facing the unknown,
And that One Voice
Would never be alone
It takes that One Voice.

Ba ba ba da da da da,
Ba ba ba ba ba ba da da da,
Ba ba ba ba ba ba
It takes that one voice

Just One Voice
Singing in the darkness,
All it takes is One Voice,
Shout it out and let it ring.
Just One Voice,
It takes that One Voice,
And everyone will sing!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~ Dylan Thomas


I went to my therapy session this morning and got a lot of food for thought. My therapist had given me the homework assignment about assertiveness. I showed her what I had worked on and told her of some other things that I had not written down. We talked about my job. She knows Q. I told her what was going on with him and she voiced that she was glad that I was in this child's life because she seems to think I have a gift of getting to the heart of things. She called me a seeker.

We spoke about family as Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I told her I had ordered a turkey and would fix all of the dishes at home and take it to my mother's house so that if I began to hypervenilate I could just leave and their day would not be ruined. She showed me some deep breathing techniques that I could do if I begin to feel like the walls were closing in.

We spoke about my friend Linda and her newest health problems. I told her I had been researching the lap band and the gastrobipas to see if it was something I wanted to do but that Linda's problems had pretty much stopped me in my tracks. I told her about finding the OA daily reader at the Good Will store on Sunday and that I had joined an online OA group.

We spoke of spitual matters as I have also been doing my RCIA homework. My assignment was to identify my spiritual gifts. The therapist told me about the following song. I include it here because I liked it.

Her Father’s Eyes

As sung by Amy Grant

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl,
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.
But that's all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray:
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say,

She's got her Father's eyes,
Her Father's eyes;
Eyes that find the good in things,
When good is not around;
Eyes that find the source of help,
When help just can't be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through
And feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
Just like my Father's eyes.

And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone.
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,
More than anything I know, I want your words to be,

She had her Father's eyes,
Her Father's eyes;
Eyes that found the good in things,
When good was not around;
Eyes that found the source of help,
When help would not be found;
Eyes full of compassion,
Seeing every pain;
Knowing what you're going through,
And feeling it the same.
Just like my Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
Just like my Father's eyes.
My Father's eyes,
My Father's eyes,
Just like my Father's eyes.

I have my RCIA class tonight with the deacon. I will also be attending the Thanksgiving mass. Ordinary time stops and the special holidays begin. I want to take part in them.

It's been a strange day. This morning I joined an online OA group. When I was in the Good Will store with Ruby on Sunday I found one of their daily readers. Wow! The readings are so gentle and loving. It's like a kinder, gentler version of Al-Anon. I think I'm going to get something out of it. It just feels right. Now for me that's just so odd.

Then when I went to watch Xena it was a repeat of that episode involving the warlord who was in love with Gabriella. What I forgot to mention was that in this episode it is revealed that Jockster has a twin brother who is very flamboyant and possible gay. I still haven't seen this episode through to the end so I'm not sure what message I'm supposed to be getting.

Q came to school very distraught. We learned that he didn't go to sleep until 4 o'clock this morning. He had roughly an hour to ninty minutes of sleep. The poor boy was beside himself and took up a lot of my time. Only he did not take up as much time as he did yesterday. He also did not have any of his sexually inappropriate behavior today. But I did have to make him go to the restroom. I promised to guard the door and not let anyone in. He drew a very graphic picture this morning and continued his talk about being put in a trunk from two weeks ago. I took it to the principal and she gave me the phone number for the SRO. I called him and he referred me to the DCS caseworker. I called DCS and no one was in. This poor kid is going to fall through the cracks. I said as much to Linda, who is a social worker, and she said, "No, he won't. Want to know why I say that?" I asked, "Why?"
Her response was, "Because he has someone in his life named Yolanda Ezell. That woman doesn't give up on people. She's his prayer warrior."

Today I pieced together that two of his personalities are named Anthony and Cory. One might be named Preston. Not sure. Yesterday I learned that one referred to himself as Dogshit.

We learned who BJ is. We met him last Friday. He was one of the young men that Q bonded with at the Boys' and Girls' Club last year. He drives a Sun Drop truck.

The poor boy did not take a nap. He would not allow himself to get still enough to nod off. He's afraid to go to sleep. He told me that he has bad dreams. At the end of today those present in the room had decided that I was the key to unlocking the mystery that is called Q. I will admit that I have new bruises from being bit, pinched, hit, scratched and kicked yesterday but he does not fight me. He is lashing out at something that only he can see and hear. I just happen to be the person who intervenes before he can hurt himself or anyone else. That personality that refers to himself as Dogshit calls me everything but a child of God. In the past I might have gotten angry at being called a bitch and wanted to retaliate but today I know his behavior has little to do with me. He's trying to get his feelings out in the only way he knows how.

Saturday I was pulled in so many directions mentally. My heart was really in Alabama with my best friend. She was going to meet with her foster parents for the first time in years. She was afraid that they would cancel on her at the last minute. She wanted her foster mother to sign on as the first executrix to her will and she wanted to hear that she would take care of her after her surgeries. She was also taking the new love in her life to meet them. My presence was not needed.

I also felt pulled in the direction of my biological family. Mom has furniture that needs to be taken off. It's sitting on her front porch and the curb. The problem was that I did not know where the city dump was. I had received three different set of directions. Mom and I went in search of it but never found it. Yesterday Ruby showed me where it was. It turns out that it is only open on Friday from 8 A.M- 11 A.M. It also cost $22 per ton to leave things there. I could not have helped Mom any way.

I had also promised George that I would work all day at the library. I needed to fulfill that obligation as I'd bailed on him two Saturdays in a row.

So, on Saturday I got up bright and early went to the laundry mat, did my clothes, forgot to take my medication and went window shopping before I went to the library. At the library I had 4 specific goals. I was to work on Linda's Christmas present, find the author of a particular book for her, research part of Carrie's family tree and try to locate the books that the Deacon had suggested I read. Well, I spent from 10-2:30 working on Linda's present- a scrap book. I didn't eat lunch and wasn't hungry. I was so focused on what I was doing that time flew by. Once I had finished her twisted scrap book, I went to locate the author for her so that I could e-mail it to her, found the two of the books that the deacon recommended and found a few things on Carrie's family. Afterward I picked up Mom, tried to locate the dump and treated her to dinner at Reeves'. When I got home I read all of the ESH that I had received from the online Al-Anon group I attend, called Marian to tell her my decision about my home group, called Jane and did the same, tried to locate Linda, worried over her, returned Elyce's call and finally got to talk to Linda. Afterward's I made arrangements to spend Sunday with Ruby.

Sunday was equally busy. I went shopping for groceries around 7:30, put them up, went to church, picked up Ruby afterwards, went to lunch at Pizza Hut, found the county dump, drove to Lawrenceburg, bumped into Aunt Mary at Good Will, drove through Davy Crockett Park, went to Wal-Mart so that Ruby could buy a toaster, and returned to the Betterway House to await our Al-Anon meeting. I ignored quite a few AA members and maintained my serenity. After all of that I came home and called Mom about the dump and checked on Linda.

I have a life! Wow!

I awoke this morning with a song in my head. Don't know why but I'm including it here.


I'm Like A Bird

As sung by Nelly Furtado

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x 3]

Well, today I learned that Q's mother has a warrant out for her arrest. She has two hearings- one in Tennessee and one in Alabama. One of her sister's has power of attorney over Q and one of the other brothers. The smaller two are with their father in Florida. He was without medication all weekend and was pretty squirely today. I have some new bruises from being bitten, pinched, kicked and hit. I watched his face change as each personality came out of the wood work. Bless his heart he is in so much pain. I feel like I've had a wasted day. Jennifer had to feed all three wheel chair bound children today because I was tied up with Q.

But today gave me a little more clarity about the assignment that the deacon gave me. I think I was given the gift of discernment when I asked God to allow me to see and hear people through His eyes and ears. My perceptive nature and intuitiveness also falls in line with this gift. Possibly my analytical nature does too. I also looked in the Catechisms and found 3 gifts listed. They are wisdom, faith and discernment. I agree with the faith- I think I acquired that one this summer. But I think I lean more toward knowledge than I do wisdom. I really am unsure of what the difference between the two gifts is. The deacon may be able to give me clarity on that. I would add to this the gift of love. I was also able to identify which of the fruits of the spirts I have as a result- peace and joy. My greatest virtue is prudence.

I wasn't home at all yesterday and I've been gone today. It's good to have a life! I was where I was supposed to be and with the people I was supposed to be with.

I'm a towering enferno of emotions and not all of them are good. I've let things build up until I've been ready to explode. I lit into two members of my home group last night because I'm sick and tired of their behavior. I don't know why they bother showing up. They are more interested in hob nobbing with the AA members than they are an Al-Anon meeting.I exploded on them. I don't normally unleash my temper but I was so angry last night that I burst into tears. I have bottled too much resentment and anger up. It all came out last night.

On top of all that I'm worried about my best friend's health. Linda had a slight heart attack a few days ago. I'm so afraid I'll lose my sister. She's about the age my father was when he died from a massive heart attack. I guess I've put myself in her shoes when they aren't mine to wear but suddenly I was scared.

I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing by my bills. I'm going to have my friends- Vicki, Mary Jo and Lisa- completely paid off and I'm going to give some of the money I owe to my Aunt Nelle back this week. I'll have to nickle and dime the rest of the bill collectors because I decided to keep my truck.

I still have a large amount of guilt, shame and resentment about my biological family. I think it's the holidays starting this in me. I just wish I could turn back time to when I was a little more comfortable with my family even if I wasn't the healthiest person around.

I don't know. I see a lot of positive changes in myself but I also see a lot of things I've lost on the way to improving my serenity. I no longer feel as if I have friends in the recovery community. I feel so isolated and alone. What happened to all those people I knew and cared about? Why did they suddenly vanish into thin air? Maybe they weren't my friends after all.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was reaching out for help on something and the same person kept stepping forward to help me. It wasn't that I didn't want his help. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that he'd bail on me if I let him. So, I kept reaching out to others.

When I think about it, this person has never bailed on me. He's just stopped short of letting me get close to him and because of that I doubt his sincerity. And yet he has been decent enough to acknowledge that we have a connection. He's admitted it to me and to others. That's far more than anyone else ever has done.

What I have to acknowledge to myself here is that I am afraid. If I were really honest I'd have to admit that I have been comparing him to my ex. But in truth he is so far from being anything like my ex that it isn't funny. My ex was Jekyl and Hyde. This person is far more steady. My ex could be mean and nasty. This person would have to work very hard to even be a tenth of that. My relationship with my ex was based on how much he needed me. It was draining me. This other person won't let me serve in that capacity. He has always redirected my focus.

I don't know. I guess I doubt the message that I keep getting because it isn't validated by this person. His actions validate it but his words contradict him. Or once again I could be the crazy one. I could be totally misinterpreting things. So, I guess it is better for me to walk away than to risk finding out. If only he'd just come out and tell me what he wants. It sure would help my state of confusion.

Or I could just be over analyzing a meaningless dream.

For some reason an old song popped in my head as I was coming home just now. I haven't heard it in ages. But maybe it has meaning to someone reading this.

Love is Like Oxygen

As sung by the Electric Light Orchestra

Love is Like Oxygen:
You get too much, you get too high,
Not enough and you're gonna die.
Love gets you high.

Love is Like Oxygen: (Love is Like Oxygen)
You get too much, you get too high, (Love is like oxygen; Too high)
Not enough and you're gonna die. (Love is like oxygen; Gonna die)
Love gets you high.

Time on my side.
I got it all.
I heard that pride
Always comes before a fall.

There's a rumor goin' around the town.
That you don't want me around.
I can't shake off my city blues.
Everywhere I turn, I lose...

Love is Like Oxygen: (Love is Like Oxygen)
You get too much, you get too high, (Love is like oxygen; Too high)
Not enough and you're gonna die. (Love is like oxygen; Gonna die)
Love gets you high.

Love is Like Oxygen: (Love is Like Oxygen)
You get too much, you get too high, (Love is like oxygen; Too high)
Not enough and you're gonna die. (Love is like oxygen; Gonna die)
Love gets you high.

Time is no healer.
If you're not there.
Holy fever.
Set words in the air.

Some things are better left unsaid.
I'm gonna spend my days in bed.
I walk the streets at night,
To be hidden by the city li-ight. City li-ight.

Love is Like Oxygen: (Love is Like Oxygen)
You get too much, you get too high, (Love is like oxygen; Too high)
Not enough and you're gonna die. (Love is like oxygen; Gonna die)
Love gets you high.

Love is Like Oxygen: (Love is like oxygen)
You get too much, you get too high, (Love is like oxygen; Too high)
Not enough and you're gonna die. (Love is like oxygen; Gonna die)
Love gets you high.

Always Something There to Remind Me

As sung by Naked Eyes

I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me,
and every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be.
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
As shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night.
And I can't help recalling how it how it felt to kiss and hold you tight
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.

If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share.
Just go back to the places where we used to go, and I'll be there
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free
You'll always be a part of me.
'cause there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.

I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me,
and every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be.
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
As shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night.
And I can't help recalling how it how it felt to kiss and hold you tight
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free.
You'll always be a part of me.

If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share.
Just go back to the places where we used to go, and I'll be there
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free
You'll always be a part of me.
'cause there is always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.
always something there to remind me.


A couple of days ago I saw an episode of Xena where one of the warlords was singing this song above as if it were a heavy metal song. He was in love with Gabriella because Cupid had put a spell on him. For some reason the song has stuck in my head. I actually kept thinking "I wish I'd never met you." But that isn't in this song. Not sure why I was thinking it.

There has been a lot of synchronicity the last few days. The woman who has been subbing in my class from church is going to start a new job in the pre-K room at the school I just left. The other lady who has subbed in there a lot is possibly related to me. She'll be in there tomorrow. I'm going to take my Family Tree Maker disc with me and see what other names we have in common.

Making a lot of headway with my child with the multiple personalities. We've bonded. Kind of weird.

Working on my homework for my RCIA class. I'm supposed to make a list of my blessings or gifts that God has given to me in this stage of life. At first I thought he was talking about a gratitude list but now I think he wants me to identify my gifts. I had an interesting read yesterday on the subject and I had an enlightening conversation with my sponsor about it.

When I got up this morning an unusual song was in my head. I don't remember all of the lyrics but I'm going to put it here any way.

Have You Kissed Any Frogs Today?

There's a story from our childhood worth remembering
About a prince that was changed into frog
Now he sits all alone and dejected
For it seems that the only thing that can save him
Is a kiss from a princess fair and true
And there's a chance that this may never happen
So he's ugly and lonely and blue

Chorus
Have you kissed any frogs today?
Have you helped someone along their troubled way?
Have you told them of God's amazing grace?
Have you kissed any frogs today?

Then one day a miracle did happen
A lovely princess finally came along
She saw him and her heart felt with compassion
She kissed him and this is what she saw
The ugly frog had changed into a person
And all his troubles from the past had come to end
Now he's a handsome prince just full of God's potential
And all it took was the help of a friend

Chorus

I've thought about this song off and on all day. I think it has some meaning for me. I can see a lot of synchronicity. After I put the first verse on the blog I e-mailed a share to the on-line Al-Anon group that I belong to about my experience at the area assembly this past weekend. I've had a few responses. I guess I see the ESH we share as the kiss that the princess gave the frog. Well, at least it is in a round about way.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Is there any stab as deep as wondering where and how much you failed those you loved?
--Florida Scott Maxwell

Treating our loved ones as we hope to be treated is our assurance against failing them. And if we listen to our inner voice, we'll never falter in our actions toward others. There is always a right behavior, a thoughtful response, and a respectful posture.

Let us be mindful that we're sharing our experiences with others who need the talents we have to offer. It's not by coincidence but by design that we're given opportunities to treat those close at hand in some manner. We'd do well to let the choice be loving.

How we treat another invites like treatment. Actions from our heart will soften our own struggles. Also, spiteful, critical treatment of others will hamper our steps. We teach others how to treat us by our gestures and words.

The inner voice can be heard if I choose to listen. It will never guide me wrongly.

You are reading from the book:
The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg


It occurred to me a long time ago that my family and I (Mom, Barry and I) were to engrained in each others lives. Or more to the point, my family was too involved in my life. My mother has a problem with boundaries. Right now she does not know where she ends and my brother begins. She tried to establish that same tactic with me. It didn't work. I'm too independent. But she did manage to do one thing, she taught me codependence. As much as I hated her being tangled up in my life I emulated her with my relationships. Today I'm still learning to set my own boundaries while respecting those set by others. I'm also learning the meaning of autonomy.

What I've learned that love does not mean possession. It does not mean that I own another person, their time or their inexhaustable attention. It does, however, mean saying, "I'm sorry" when I overstep my boundaries.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if these things are important for me to receive, I should practice extending them to others.

What amazes me about receiving this thought for the day is that Joe and I were talking about family before the meeting. It was just he and I in the building for a while before anyone else showed up. What I appreaciate about him is how real he is. He is sharing a lot of things that are basically none of my business, just as I have been sharing with him. What I like most is that he does not judge. As I am not judging him. I can see myself in him. I think before my judgment was clouded by Mac's words.

Ironically, Mac was in the building last night. I walked right past him without speaking. I feel that he is protecting someone that did something that hurt a lot of people and I also feel like he's being very underhanded about something he's doing for his own personal life. He's relaying information and twisting it to suit himself. If I'm wrong, I'll make my amends. But my instincts tell me that I'm right.

True to Ourselves

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou 'canst not then be false to any man.

~~William Shakespeare~~

To thine own self be true. A grounding statement for those of us who get caught up in the storm of needs and feelings of others.
Listen to the self. What do we need? Are those needs getting met? What do we feel? What do we need to do to take care of our feelings? What are our feelings telling us about ourselves and the direction we need to go?
What do we want to do or say? What are our instincts telling us? Trust them -- even if they don't make sense or meet other people's rules and expectations.
Sometimes, the demands of other people and our confused expectations of ourselves -- the messages about our responsibilities toward others -- can create a tremendous, complicated mess.
We can even convince ourselves that people-pleasing, going against our nature and not being honest, is the kind, honest thing to do!
Not true. Simplify. Back to basics. Let go of the confusion. by honoring and respecting ourselves, we will be true to those around us, even if we displease them momentarily.
To thine own self be true. Simple words describing a powerful task that can put us back on track.

Today, I will honor, cherish, and love myself. When confused about what to do, I will be true to myself. I will break free of the hold others and their expectations, have on me.

This meditation comes from a book called:
The Language of Letting Go
Daily Meditations for Codependent
Author: Melody Beattie




This reading was sent to me by a recovery buddy. It reminds me of the movie The Renaissance Man. There was a group of misfit soldiers put in this class where the studied Hamlet. They made up a rap song to help them understand what they were studying. The song is called "Hamlet's Rap" and it is attributed to Mark Wahlberg.

Hamlet's Rap

As sung in The Renaissance Man

From "Renaissance Man"

[All] They gotta know, they gotta know,
We gotta flow, they gotta know, they gotta know, ho
They gotta know, they gotta know,
We gotta flow, they gotta know, they gotta know, ho
They gotta know, they gotta know,
We gotta flow, they gotta know, they gotta know, ho
They gotta know, they gotta know,
We gotta flow, they gotta know, they gotta know, ho
To be or not to be
The Double D MCs are letting it be
Let be, to be or not to be

[Montgomery] MC Hobbs on the job
Ripping rhymes like the mob

[Hobbs] The shit's iller than Cape Fear, the Shakespeare saga
Started with this Prince kid, his moms and his father
His pops got took for his props undercover by his brother, man
[damn]
Now his brother's king lover, man
Actin' real trite he took his brother's life
For his green and to sex up his queen
But the prince, he ain't goin' for it, he's out for revenge
His pop's ghost comes and then

[Montgomery] Dammit, Hamlet, those are your ends!
So just chill and cool for now
Play the fool until you take him out
Cuz all eyes is on you, so the one way or another,
It's a kamikaze style, or do it undercover
But either way, ya gotta say-ah, so what the hey-ah
Strap on your black and get set for the payback

[Benitez] Ain't got no gat, but he's sportin' a tool
Strap on the sword for the Laertes duel

[Leroy] Cuz he's tryin' to blame Hamlet for his sister's death
But she took her own last breath, she ain't got shhh left

[Melvin] Never heard yet
A more absurd set
Of circumstances
Murder and romances so

[Montgomery] Incest, we had to put it to rest
We had time to manifest, he stuck the dagger in the king's
chest

[All] To be or not to be
The Double D MCs is letting it be
Let be, To be or not to be
The Double D MCs is letting it be
Let be, To be or not to be

[Ophelia]
The Double D MCs is letting it be
Let be, To be or not to be
The Double D MCs is letting it be
Go Hamlet, go Hamlet, go Hamlet, go Hamlet.


Last night in my RCIA class the deacon told me that I have a special gift. He thinks I have the gift to discern spirits and told me that he believed that I was called to be a holy prayer warrior. I'm not so sure that I agree with him. The way he described it to me sounded like a huge responsibility. I'm not so sure I'm ready for anything this heavy.

But I will agree with a few things. There's a tug of war going on between good and evil. I also agree that love is the only way to overcome hate. This is a spiritual war. With all of that I will agree.

The things that Q told me yesterday kept going through my mind last night. I had a difficult time going to sleep. He talked about flies being on him. I can only imagine that the boy was actually with his mother when all the things with the car or truck happened to him. She kept him in the vehicle with her and whomever else she was with. No bathroom. No where to go to relieve himself or get washed up. He probably did have flies on him.

I don't know how Stephan/Stephanie plays into all of this. Mr. Whitfield says that he is the father to one of Q's brothers. If he is the father to the second of the four boys this is not a good thing. Q's mother said that her second son's father was the one who sexually abused Q. It all seems so far fetched to me. It's like a bizarre dream that I've created in my mind or that this kid has created in his. And yet I know that some of it is real and that he believes all that he says. I did not hear his voice change until lunch time when he finally revealed that his mother was in Alabama. Then the sexually agressive personality came out and began talking about my breasts. Luckily I stopped that before he went any further.

Linda says document. Maybe I can use my journal as some sort of documentation.

All I know is that I'm not ready to start my day. I don't want to spend the day restraining or trying to calm down an aggitated child.

All I Need is a Miracle

As sung by Mike and the Mechanics

I said, "Go if you wanna go,
Stay if you wanna stay."
I didn't care if you hung around me
I didn't care if you went away
And I know you were never right
I'll admit I was never wrong
I could never make up my mind
I made it up as I went along

And though I treated you like a child
I'm gonna miss you for the rest of my life

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you

I never had any time
And I never had any call
But I went out of my way just to hurt you,
The one I shouldnt hurt at all
I thought I was being cool
Yeah, I thought I was being strong
But it's always the same old story
You never know what you've got til its gone

If I ever catch up with you
I'm gonna love you for the rest of your life

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you

And if I ever catch up with you
I'm gonna love you for the rest of your life

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a, all I need is a,
All I need is you (all I need is a miracle)

I awoke with this song going through my head. I don't think it is so much about a person but about the miracle. But, then, I could be fooling myself.

I sat down just now to check e-mail and found my perpetual calendar with the same message as the song. It says:

Miracles happen
continually
to those who have
the eyes to see.

Last night I chose not to attend my home group meeting. I didn't feel like participating in the Lois Hour. Instead I sat at home and found on the Health channel one of the very surgeries that I'm looking into, plus one of the surgeries that Linda is about to go through. I call that synchronicity but perhaps it is also the beginning of a miracle. Who knows?

Yesterday before mass Dennis made a point of stopping by the pew to talk to me. He validated my decision as to what I'm about to do in regards to my home group. He's right. Service work is politics and politics ruins my progam. Something else along the synchronicity lines happened at ma. The priest surprised me by talking about that poem that Dennis quoted to me so many months ago-The Hound of Heaven. Wow!

Dennis turned up at school today with one of the AA members that he's adopted. I guess she was there to see the principal about one of her children. Weird.

What a day! I had to spend most of it with Q. He came in out of his gourd. He would only sit with or calm down for me. He attacked the other two assistants as soon as I left the room. His behavior toward me was very unusual today. He was a little too touchy-feely. His irratic behavior alarmed the principal. She called in the SRO, the school attendance officer, the deputy and the DCS caseworker. There was some talk of taking him to the emergency room. We later discovered that no one had jurisdiction over him and could not take him any where. We also discovered that his mother had been arrested again and was in the Huntsville jail. He and his brothers have been staying with a local character, a transvestite named Stephanie. I have nothing against this man's chosen life style. I do however think he is the wrong choice for the boys to stay with given what Q said went on in that house over the weekend. He was forced to sleep in a trunk and was concerned about one of his brothers being hurt. It was a bizarre story. I hope to God none of it is true. As a former molestation victim, these kinds of stories bother me a lot. I actually had to call my sponsor and talk to her until I calmed down.

More and more I see the issues being presented to me as a means of rethinking what I believe vs. what I've been taught. Like this whole transvestite deal. Most men who cross dress are non-violent. The studies I've read corroborate that. So, there has to be something more to the story. Q keeps talking about two men named Preston and BJ. Neither of them are the transvestite. If he was abused in any way during the weekend it would have been by one of those men. In that case it's not about sexual orientation. It's about pedaphila. And according to what Q has told us, his mother is also guilty of that. Linda says document. It's been documented. It just makes me so sick.

Any dream your heart desires
is meant to serve two purposes-
to grow you into wholeness
and to bless the world with joy.

These are the words on my perpetual calendar this morning. My dream is to make it to the Al-Anon International Convention in Pittsburg, PA. I've been talking to my on-line group. There are roughly 8 of us making plans right now- Sallie, Doris, Dawn, Michelle, Marliza, Judith, Karen and me. It could become a reality. My sponsor told me to talk to people at the area assembly next weekend. I might learn some more things.

I'm feeling kind of disconnected today. Not sure what is going on with me. Wish I lived closer to my friends. I've got some in Columbia that I rarely get to see and hear from once in a blue moon. There's my bff in Sylacagua. I hear from her several times a week. Elyce in the Memphis area calls fairly regular. Once in a while I hear from Kenny. Just wish I had someone close to do things with that did not require me donning my mask again. I want to be real.

I keep hoping that the new teaching job or the new church home would net me some new friends. So far I'm only picking up acquaintances. But time will tell.

Crawl Before You Walk

As sung by Eternity X

The smoky mist it hovered over the distant echoes
Of your voice flow through my soul
The wind blows silent like a mystery
Standing on a mountain top within my dream
They comfort me

And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel
None of this makes any sense at all to me
Lullabies sung by a distant memory,
Seems to hold me when I'm down
In this world of quiet sadness
Golden chalices filled with madness they come for me
Broken hearts lie all around me
A flowing pastel red upon the ground in the place I'm in

I gazed up into the night sky
Shivering cold from a brave man's destiny
As I opened up my eyes a strange light
Seemed to shine all over me

I heard this voice from nowhere surrounding
All that wasn't there
Confirming all believing it was the time it said
You have to:

Crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before you run, run before you die
You have to feel, feel before you hurt, hurt before you learn, learn before
You try

I feel like a wheel turning, turning on midnight - distorted - faces
I feel like a wheel lights up my eyes, happiness befalls me in some peculiar
Way
I feel like a wheel turning, turning on midnight

Chorus
You have to:
Crawl, crawl before you walk,
Walk before you run,
Run before you die
You have to feel, feel before you hurt,
Hurt before you learn, learn before you try

Now the mist was clearing I could see
The stars that lit the sky
I waited silent calls for a voice,
A vision I could not find
Never heard but I wasn't jaded
And that voice of reason never left my mind

Chorus

Oh no it's looking right at us
But you don't have to like this


This morning God reminded me that I need to learn to crawl before I can walk. I had made up my mind to try something for my own good that I had been putting off. I forgot about prerequisite skills. I don't have any. Got to work on that. Went looking for a song to fit how I was feeling and found one by a group I've never heard of- Eternity X.

All I can hear in my head is "you've got to crawl before you can walk." And the slogans- "Keep it Simple", "Easy Does It", "First Things First." I've got to build up momentum, strength to do something I need to do, have to do, don't really want to do. I can almost hear God laughing at my plans. But most likely He felt sorry for me as I tried to do something that I obviously can't do. I think that's why I got the message this morning.

Oh, well. You live and you learn. I'm not going to give up on this. I think it's something I need to do. I just need a partner to help me along, to jump start me. I'm tired of doing things alone.

I'm gathering information about two different surgeries. Linda is giving me pointers on how to choose between them and how to get one of them approved by my insurance. I think my quality of life would improve if I could get one approved. I'm not going to tell anyone about what I'm going to do until one of these options would be approved.

Risky business. That's what I think sharing in recovery is. You open your heart to others who have had some similar experiences and you risk being put down further.

I so admire Joe. Last night I learned that he'd been in the hospital for EZT treatments. At first I wasn't sure I knew what he was talking about. I've only heard of EZT from the movie Rent. I had a friend die from AIDS but I wasn't around to see him as he got sick. I have no first hand experience with it. When I remembered what he was talking about, I actually told him about Joey. Joey has Hepatitis C and at one time he had tested positive for HIV. But when he was released from prison he tested negative for HIV. At the time all of that came up I was struggling to deal with all the information that he was dropping on me. First I learn that he's having an affair with some man in prison, then I learn of a second, then I learn that he has Hep C. The whole AIDS scare almost did me in. It was too much to process. I went on antidepressants back then, too. I not only watched my dreams of a real family go up in flames, I felt betrayed, humiliated and on top of all that I thought I'd have to watch someone that I loved die. I'm not afraid of death. It's dying that terrifies me. I knew all of this and yet remained in a marriage with Joey. I had never really talked about this to anyone in a while. I think I needed to get it off my chest. But I admire Joe because he took a risk in telling me something about himself that was personal. He doesn't have a mask on.

So, I totally removed mine and for once someone other than Linda listened to me. Sometimes I get a little tired of people who hear what I say but do not listen to the whole truth that I'm putting out there. Joe actually listened and for that I am grateful. It made that disastrous Al-Anon meeting afterwards seem like Alice in Wonderland. Wish there were more in recovery who were willing to remove their masks.

His disclosure and his words about going to any length for recovery make me even more determined to find a way to attend the Al-Anon International Convention in Pittsburgh in July 2008. I've been investigating transportation and housing. We'll see if I can find an affordable plan. If not, I won't have lost anything.

November is here! This is the month of my Al-Anon birthday. November 30th. It's been four long years.

I didn't sleep too well last night and I woke up with my hands hurting. I alternate from having excruciating pain in my joints to having numbness. Don't know if this is a result of the carpal tunnel or neuropathy. I just know that my right hand hurts this morning.

Linda called last night to get a reality check. Kind of weird that she's calling me about that. She needs to know if her expectations about her foster mother are real or not. I really think she has a tendency to put her foster parents on a pedestal. They took a tumble and now she's working on trusting them again. Anthony came slinking back to her apartment. They haven't discussed his behavior over the weekend but she says he knows he did wrong.

Several things came to me last night after I got off the telephone with her. First I was reflecting on my therapy assignment. I sent out queries to three people to get input. I want to make sure I'm not confusing assertiveness with aggression again. Second a few thoughts came to me about some recovery buddies. I think I know something about two or three of them. I dismissed it because I don't want to get into the habit of analyzing again. I just let it go. Also talked with Wendy last night. Afterward I gave my finances to God again and let them go. I can't worry about things over which I am powerless. It's fruitless.

Gratitude list for today

A- Awakenings, Al-Anon, Anthony
B- Bike, bells, Bath & Body Works, bed
C- Cats, Crock pot, Computer, co-workers
D- Deacon Mike
E- Elaine S., e-mail
F- Faith
G- God
H- Health
I- Internet
J- Journaling, Jennifer, John 2, Jane
K- Kenny, kittens
L- Linda
M- Marian, Mark, Mom
N- Notes
O- Optimism
P- Perseverance
Q- Quiet
R- Remembering
S- Stephanie, Second chances
T- Telephone, transportation
U- Underwear
V- Velveteen Rabbit
W- Wendy
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zeus


Put A Little Love In Your Heart

by Jackie Deshannon

Think of your fellow man
lend him a helping hand
put a little love in your heart.
You see it's getting late
oh please don't hesitate
put a little love in your heart.
And the world will be a better place
and the world will be a better place
for you and me
you just wait and see

Another day goes by
and still the children cry
put a little love in your heart.
If you want the world to know
we won't let hatred grow
put a little love in your heart.
And the world will be a better place
and the world will be a better place
for you and me
you just wait and see

Take a good look around and
if you're lookin' down
put a little love in your heart
I hope when you decide
kindness will be your guide
put a little love in your heart.
And the world will be a better place
and the world will be a better place
for you and me
you just wait and see
put a little love in your heart each and every day
put a little love in your heart there's no other way
put a lttle love in your heart, it's up to you
put a little love in your heart...