This song was sung during mass on Sunday. It's been in my head ever since. When I went to look up the lyrics on Google I found them on a Pete Seeger website.

How Can I Keep From Singing

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation.
I hear the real, thought far off hymn
That hails the new creation
Above the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?

What through the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
What through the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of Heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear,
And hear their death-knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging.
When friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing?

Your Daily E-Quiet MomentThursday, October 22, 2009

There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on our shoulder.
Charles Morgan
English writer, 20th century


Calling All Angels

By Jane Siberry

Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Domenica, Mary Angelica
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronilla
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
and all the rest

a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
and high above the church bells start to ring
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in
somewhere you can hear a mother sing

then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why...

and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means

but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels
callin' all angels
we're tryin'
we're hopin'
we're hurtin'
we're lovin'
we're cryin'
we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes

One Way or Another

As sung by Blondie

One way or another, I'm gonna find ya'
I'm gonna get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna win ya'
I'm gonna get ya', get ya' ,get ya', get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna see ya'
I'm gonna meet ya', meet ya', meet ya', meet ya'
One day maybe next week, I'm gonna meet ya'
I'm gonna meet ya', I'll meet ya'

I will drive past your house and if the lights are all down
I'll see who's around
One way or another, I'm gonna find ya'
I'm gonna get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna win ya'
I'll get ya', I'll get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna see ya'
I'm gonna meet ya', meet ya', meet ya', meet ya'
One day maybe next week ,I'm gonna meet ya'
I'll meet ya' ah

And if the lights are all out I'll follow your bus downtown
See who's hangin' out
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna give you the slip
A slip of the lip or another I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna trick ya', I'll trick ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna trick ya', trick ya', trick ya', trick ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'

I'm gonna give you the slip
I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout, some specials and rat food
Get lost in the crowd
One way or another I'm gonna get ya'
I'll get ya'
I'll get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call


I have no idea why this song popped into my head. But I think it has something to do with my neighbor, Steve, who suddenly finds himself without a girlfriend and he's trying to convince me that we would go well together.

Red flags keep going up and sirens go off in my head. When I listened to his drunkalog it seemed to me that he had almost the same MO as my ex. Steve's been in rehab but he doesn't seem to think he should have to give up drinking beer. He says he stays off of the hard stuff because it made him mean. He doesn't have his driver's license any more because of too many DUIs.

I've heard him say that he will have to find a full time job because minus his live in girl friend's salary he won't be able to make it. Heck, I'm living on unemployment. I sure hope he isn't angling himself at me so that I can take care of him. I'm not in that business any more.

He also seems to know my every move- what my schedule or routine is- and it gives me the creeps. I don't mind being a friend but I am a little more than leary about him becoming a permanent fixture in my life.

Everything feels so forced. What I want is something that flows. Something along the lines of the relationship I had with Mac. And yet I want someone more solid than Mac. Linda used to say I had two loves- Mac and Mike. It's true. I think I did. Mac was warm and loving until the cravings set in. Mike was- more like me. I wanted to get to know him better (Linda says I want to slurp him up and down. Yes, I think he's slurpilicious.) but I never could really figure out what he wanted. I really think he's more bisexual than he is gay. I don't know. I gave up trying to figure it out. It was keeping me off balance. I fought my feelings too much and had to fade out. Besides, Linda is right. If I'm reaching out first all the time, then there was no friendship. The ball is still in his court.

My vehicle is in the shop again. Gibsons came and got it because I was over my credit with them. I get it back when I've paid up most of it. I'm cashing in my last 401K to get it back and catch up on some things. I'm rolling my teacher into a new account. This should buy me a little time. If I don't get a job before my unemployment runs out I will be forced to move in with Linda, as I have no other place to go.

I'm Alive

As sung by Celine Dion

Mmmmm ... Mmmmm ...
I get wings to fly
Oh, oh ... I'm alive ... Yeah

When you call on me
When I hear you breathe
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive

When you look at me
I can touch the sky
I know that I'm alive

When you bless the day
I just drift away
All my worries die
I'm glad that I'm alive

You've set my heart on fire
Filled me with love
Made me a woman on clouds above

I couldn't get much higher
My spirit takes flight
'Cause I am alive

When you call on me
(When you call on me)
When I hear you breathe
(When I hear you breathe)
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive
(I am alive)

When you reach for me
(When you reach for me)
Raising spirits high
God knows that...

That I'll be the one
Standing by through good and through trying times
And it's only begun
I can't wait for the rest of my life

When you call on me
(When you call on me)
When you reach for me
(When you reach for me)
I get wings to fly
I feel that...

When you bless the day
(When you bless, you bless the day)
I just drift away
(I just drift away)
All my worries die
I know that I'm alive

I get wings to fly
God knows that I'm alive

I just watched "Freedom Writers" with my mother. I pulled the movie out because she was reading the Diary of Anne Frank. Something different hits me each time I watch this movie. Tonight it occurred to me that we each just want someone to know who we really are and to care. I've tried over time to hand-pick my person but each time I fail to find anyone to care. But there is still hope.

I must be coming out of my depression because I'm beginning to reconnect with my Higher Power through the arts again. Today in my head I heard the words to "When You Love Someone." I'm not sure where my mind was going with that but it seems to follow the theme that began in mass on Sunday. I listened as the visiting priest explained what love and marriage was all about. I remember thinking that I never had what he was talking about. I tried to supply it from my end but I was never on the receiving end. I never felt loved or wanted, just needed.

Today I know what I want. I do want someone to spend my life with. But I don't want to be the person who always reaches out first and gives all the time. Today I want to be the person that is called first and receives love in return. Love isn't about things. It isn't about money. It's about wanting to be with the other person. It's about quality time apart and together.

I think I fell in love with love when I was younger. I chased after it. I stalked it. Today I wonder about the object of my affection but I do nothing to find out what is going on in his life because he doesn't inquire about mine. I tell myself that if he really cared about me in any way, he'd e-mail or call. I keep thinking maybe he will show up in Childersburg on November 7th to hear me speak. But I know that he won't. In fact, he may not even be aware that I am speaking.

I'm not sure why I love this man. I just know he has gotten under my skin. He irritates the life out of me and I like it. But I can't respond because I don't know what he wants. I can't be someone to be used again. I just won't allow myself to respond if that is the case. My heart wouldn't recover from a second relationship like that. The first time almost killed me.

When You Love Someone

As sung by Bryan Adams

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

Peace Like a River

As sung by Paul Simon

Ah, peace like a river ran through the city
Long past the midnight curfew
We sat starry-eyed
Ooh, oh,we were satisfied
O-o-oh, And I remember
Misinformation followed us like a plague
Nobody knew from time to time
If the plans were changed
Oh, oh, oh, if the plans were changed.

You can beat us with wires
You can beat us with chains
You can run out your rules
But you know you can't outrun the history train
I seen a glorious day, aiee------

Ah, four in the morning
I woke up from out of my dreams
Nowhere to go but back to sleep
But I'm reconciled
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be up for a while
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be up for a while

Oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be up for a while


As I sat in the parish before mass today the song, Peace Like a River Flows, popped into my head. I can't say that I've ever heard the song, certainly I've never heard Paul Simon's version. But somehow after looking up the lyrics it seemed to fit.

The topic of the mass was marriage. The first reading came from Genesis. It's where God decided that it was not good for man to be alone. So, the priest said that the first idea he wanted to talk about was that most of the problems like depression stem from loneliness. I agree.

The second reading came from Hebrews I believe. It spoke of the marriage between the church and Christ. The second point was that in marriage the husband and the wife are presented with the unconditional love of God through the spouse. The third reading was from Mark, I think. It was about the law that Moses made concerning divorce. I read the bulletin this morning.

The third reading seemed to be the subject of the writing. I don't know who writes the little reading in our bulletin but it was really good. It spoke of how divorce used to be taboo, a cause for guilt and shame, and that how now it is become the norm. Well, I guess I'm a dinosaur. I didn't want a divorce. But there came a time when it could not be avoided.

I think a lot of my depression is from loneliness but it's also from feeling like a failure in my chosen profession. Then there is the issue of my health. I can't do a lot of the things I once did because I'm in pain all the time. I spend a lot of time in bed to ease the pain which means I sleep a lot.

Some days are better than others. There are actually days when I'm pain free and I feel so alive. Those are the days when I get the most done. I'm praying that I have more days like that.

I learned from Linda that she is going to tape my talk in November. That puts a little more pressure on me. I've been thinking about my truth for a while and trying to discern where the most changes in myself have occurred. I'm not really sure but I think I've evolved so much that it's hard to tell what came first. Does that make sense?

I just watched an old episode of Criminal Minds from season 2 called The Fisher King. I was only familiar with the movie by the same title that starred Robin Williams. I had no idea who or what the Fisher King really was until tonight.

The last line of the TV show prompted me to do a little research because it kind of pinpointed what I've been feeling lately. The quote was said by the character Spencer Reid but it is actually attributed to Rose Kennedy. "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."

In Arthurian legend the Fisher King was charged by God with guarding the Holy Grail, but later incurred some form of incapacitating physical punishment for his sin of pride and had to wait for someone to deliver him from his suffering. Most legends have his savior to be Percival, sometimes called "the fool", because he appears to be less than the other knights. However it is he, according to some legends, who actually discovers the correct cup "the Holy Grail" when he believes that the Fisher King might be thirsty and offers him something to drink. Pride is overcome by its opposite- humility.

The legend that the writers of Criminal Minds chose to refer to was the one that says Percival was to ask the Fisher King "Whom does the grail serve?". This was to lead the Fisher King to a realization of his own unworthiness and thereby heal his wounds and allow him to receive redemption. The question that the character Reid put to the unsub in this episode was along the same lines. "Can you forgive yourself?" Of course, the unsub in this case could not.

All of this got me to thinking about my Fourth Step Inventory. I've been thinking about it alot lately because Linda has asked me to tell my story November 7 in Childersburg. Today I learned that she has gotten Bo to agree to come record it. Wow! Now that kind of put me in another zone.

I used the character Don Quixote to help me do my Fourth Step Inventory. His quest reminded me of my own. At one time, I felt like I needed to become someone else in order to find out why I was here. What I discovered through my hero Don Quixote is that I'm okay just as I am. I don't need to become something or someone else in order to take this journey, go on this quest. The prize at the end of the quest or journey isn't the actual reward. The reward is the quest or journey itself.

I wasn't searching for forgiveness. And yet maybe I was. The research I did on-line referred me to a poem I remember liking when I was a teenager. The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot is supposed to somehow be tied into the legend of the Fisher King although I found no reference to it. What I did learn, and maybe this is why I liked it to begin with, is that the poem details the journey of the human soul searching for redemption. So, maybe it is about forgiveness after all.

I found some songs about time healing all wounds but the one that played in my head did not have the actual words about time or wounds healing. It was a Sawyer Brown song entitled, "Heart Don't Fall Now". As I looked over the lyrics it occurred to me that it was actually about wounds of the heart. And maybe, just maybe, that is what my journey has been about.

Heart Don't Fall Now

As sung by Sawyer Brown

Here [he] comes again, but me and you
We're gonna close the door
We won't let [him] in, we're not gonna do it, like we've done before
Stay here with me, keep a steady beat
But not to loud, [he] might be listening

Chorus
Oh heart, don't fall now
If you do I might never bring you back around
Heart take it slow, don't let [him] know
Just how much we really need [him] now
Heart, don't fall now

[He] can break me down but [he] won't get through
If you'll be on your guard, when [he] reaches out
Oh, I'm counting on you, not to fall apart
Here comes that touch
We've been missing for such a long, long time
I feel you giving in

Chorus

You'll pull it off some how
This can be our finest hour
Ah, heart without you
I might not get through it
Don't know if I can do it

Repeat Chorus Three Times

Sad Songs

As sung by Elton John

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`Cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don't you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it's easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
and it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues

Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say so much