Wow! I went to see Spiderman 3 and got such a rush! It fits into all that I've been reading about mysticism and synchronicity! And I finally know why Topher Grace's name popped into my head. It was something he said in the movie about anger and depression. I finally saw with clarity something that God wanted me to see. Only by moving through the valley of my emotions can I achieve hope. Anger is merely a mask we wear to hide our depression because we can not deal with the pain. I think God wants us to experience all of our emotions to their heighth and depth. I just need to wallow in it until I feel better.

Here are some lyrics from the movie.

Artist: The Flaming Lips
Song: The Supreme Being Teaches Spider-Man How to Be in Love Lyrics

The first round goes, we go to blows,
I’m the Spider-Man nobody knows,
But the spider conceals the truth.
The spectums raise your ringside days,
I’ve been in love with you for a million days,
But the fighter conceals his wounds.

I’m in love with you but I fight the urge.
Muhammad Ali makes a third round surge,
And the audience can see the truth.
His punches land I can hardly stand,
I’ve got the power of a spider but the heart of a man,
But the power is in the truth.

Honesty can kill the spider,
Muhammad Ali feels the same,
The audience can give you power,
And I hear them call my name (Here comes the Spider-Man),
Hear them call my name (Does whatever a spider can).
I hear them call my name (Here comes the Spider-Man),
Hear them call my name (Does whatever a spider can).

At the seventh round you make a sound,
Muhammad Ali only knocks me down,
He whispered to tell the truth.
I say ‘I’m in love with you’ at the knock out count,
The audience cheers as the champ wins out,
But now you know the truth.

Honesty can kill the fighter.
Muhammad Ali knows the same.
Honestly the truth is power,
And I hear you call my name (Here comes the Spider-Man),
Hear you call my name (Does whatever a spider can).
I hear you call my name (Here comes the Spider-Man),
Hear you call my name (Does whatever a spider can).
I hear you call my name (Here comes the Spider-Man),
Hear you call my name (Does whatever a spider can).

I hear you call my name,
Hear you call my name.

Yesterday Mac jumped my case pretty badly. I was not in a hurting condition when I called him. But he had worked himself up in a tizzy about me and reacted big time. I felt like he was personally attacking me. I had only called him to ask a simple question.

His behavior did prompt me to do one thing good though. I reached out to Al-Anon members for help. I spoke to one on the phone until I had calmed down and then went to visit with another one for a few hours. When I got home a third one had returned my call. I am loved.

I realize I've isolated myself somewhat and Mac is right my mask was back in place. I was in pain. No one was showing up for meetings and I was not getting the help I needed. My sponsor loves me but she feels helpless where I'm concerned. We've talked about it. She hates to see me in pain and it causes her to worry when she hears me. I've become child # 8 to her. The old sponsor at the Tuesday night group makes me feel crazy when I talk to her. Nothing I do or say is ever good enough and I'm not allowed to feel my feelings. I had no one else to reach out to but Linda and Mac. I knew I was driving them crazy but I didn't know what else to do.

The on-line Al-Anon group that I joined has been a source of love and encouragement for me. I think that was a God inspired idea to go back to an on-line group for extra support. This is not the same group I joined two years ago. This is a group that focuses solely on Steps 3 and 11. It's a spiritual group and I believe it's what I need right now. Each topic this month has been one I needed to work on.

Al-Anon is a gentle program. It is not designed to be an in your face program like AA. We are the sickest of the sick. We need a little more love and support because we've beat up on ourselves far worse than the alcoholic. Love and understanding are essential to progress. Right now I feel like I need a village.

Mac asked me who died when I tried explaining that I was grieving. I believe I did. I feel like I've lost all my family. I can't seem to feel close enough to them. I know it's me. The general consensus of those I talked to last night is that I'm going through early menopause on top of everything else and it's magnifying my feelings. I don't know if they're right but I've got doctor appointments lined up to find out. I don't like feeling this way.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Stopping, calming, and resting are preconditions for healing. When animals in the forest are wounded they find a place to lie down and rest completely for many days . . . They just rest and get the healing they need.
--Thich Nhat Hanh

We hurt. We suffer. We wrong our loved ones and they do wrong by us. Reaching desperately for an answer will not help us. Pretending we're not hurt doesn't help either. When we are wounded, the wound needs rest in order to heal. So it is with our souls. If we poke at our hurt, pick at the sore, rub it in the dirt of others' opinions, we do not allow it time to heal.

If you've been hurt, accept that. Feel the hurt. Be aware of it. Let it heal. Maybe it would be better if you didn't talk to that person for a while. Maybe you need to let go of the relationship. Maybe you just need some quiet time. Whatever the answer is, find a safe place and allow yourself to heal.

If you're feeling pain, be aware of it. Feel the pain, and then quit picking at the wound, Lie low. Quit fighting. Relax. Give your wounds time and enough rest to heal.

God, help me relax enough to stop, calm down, and heal.
From The Language of Letting Go.

I've borrowed the book Emotional Sobriety from an AA friend. It's funny because he's the friend I miss the most. I can't explain why I miss him nor why I became attached to him in the first place except to say that I saw and still do see a great deal of myself in him. I've attempted to make amends only to be told that it's not me, it's him. I don't understand that. I'm terribly confused. But I've deleted his e-mail address from my address book. What was the point of keeping it? He didn't return any of my e-mails. I was practicing insanity.

I was looking at the book a little while ago and because I was getting sleepy I thumbed through it to a section on love. Just as I had about decided that my friend had really not claimed this book as his own because it has no writing or underlining in it I found something underlined in the love section. It says, " I am willing to love you, to accept you as you are." I don't understand how in a book without a mark of any kind, not even his name written in the front, only that one sentence would come to be underlined. I don't want to analyze it. I can't. But it's the kind of thing he's done for the entire year I've known him. It would be so self-centered of me to believe he deliberately underlined it and then gave it over to his mother for me to borrow. But I don't really know how to explain it.

Love is fleeting at times. We go through our whole life looking for it and then when we think we've found it we do everything in our power to change the other person or we spend our time trying to change to suit them. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could simply be ourselves and accept each other as we are? The Celestial Prophesy speaks of that. Wow! What a concept!

I don't know what to think about love any more. I believe I am lovable, capable of loving and loved but sometimes I get so bogged down in the problems I have that I can't see or feel it. I feel like at those times I need to be held and told, "I love you because you are you." So often I don't hear it. My mother tells me this sometimes when she knows I'm sick and tired of being me. At times it irritates me because I feel she's saying it to force me to feel better. Sometimes I have to wallow in my "bad" feelings before I become willing to experience the love again. I can't explain it. But I know it's a part of recovery.

I guess I'm at the place that the song "I Want to Know What Love Is" speaks about. I want to know what it is and experience it to its height and depth. Sometimes I think I have and at other times I feel deprived of it.

It's happening again. I'm finding God in what I read and watch. Friday night I watched, The Theory of Everything. Good movie!

Last night I watched the Celestine Prophesies. I would recommend that to any one. I've been feeling a little crazy with the things I see and hear lately. Turns out I'm not. Not sure what will unfold.

I don't think I'm the only person experiencing craziness. I can't prove it but I think a few of my recovery buddies are experiencing these things, too. Wish they'd talk to me. Maybe we could enlighten each other.

I can't prove it yet, like I said, but I believe one of my friends has become totally crazed. He's seemingly erased himself from the internet. The only traces of him now are those that are beyond his control, those put out by others. It seems he reacted the same way that I did when I erased my blog. I know why I did my little deal but I can't figure out why he did his. It's not totally erased. I found what I was looking for- pictures. I just wanted the "Beside Still Waters" picture. That was all.

Some of the things I've experienced of late have been on the scary side. Like Friday for example when I found the gun in the restroom. My friends from school were called to the office because there was someone stirring up trouble. Suddenly I had to go to the bathroom. The one nearest me was occupied and even though I would have stood outside the door and waited something told me to go to the bathroom outside the principal's office. I argued with God all the way there. I did not need to be near the office with this meeting going on. It was not my business. But the little voice inside my head insisted. At first I didn't see the gun resting on the toilet paper dispenser. When I finally did see it I thought it was a toy. But something told me it wasn't. I picked it up it had the weight of a real gun. Around the corner from the bathroom, just outside the principal's office is the SRO office. I saw the SRO sitting there. I called her to me to show her what I'd found. It was her gun. She'd taken it out of the holster when she went to the restroom and forgotten to put it back in. She asked me not to say anything to anyone. I didn't. It was an honest oversight. No harm, no foul. I found it and returned it before any harm could be done. I carried that around with me until last night when I spoke to Mac. It was as if I needed to tell someone. If I'd been in the same frame of mind I'd been in prior to that day, I might have used that gun on myself. Now that is very scary. I'm grateful all thoughts of suicide were taken from me. Not sure anyone but Linda and Mac took me seriously. Thank God they loved me enough to tell me to seek help.

I have a counseling appointment on June 11th. I still have a little depression left over and I can clearly see that it is from grief. I just can't decide what can be done about it.

So when my little voice begins talking to me again and I begin seeing things in a new perspective, I know I'm on the right road again. For some reason I had to get off the path and experience this, whatever it was, in order to regain my focus. I had to see that others were draining me of my energy. I also had to see what I could change. I could change my part in all this- I could drop the rope.

One of the members of my home group dropped in to see me prior to the meeting today. She was my first Al-Anon sponsor. She remembers what I was like before coming into the program. We went to get ice cream and then I rode with her to the meeting. I told my group (there were 4 of us in attendence tonight) all about the gun incident. I really surprised some of them. But as we were talking about marriage and wedding vows I told them that today would have been my eighth wedding anniversary. Joey and I were married 8 years ago today. We'll have been divorced three years next month. I'm not sure why that has come to me. But for some reason it is important for me to remember this date. George told me yesterday that he didn't think I'd seen the last of Joey. I don't either. But he's a memory to me now. My thoughts actually seem to go towards someone else - someone who has no thoughts or feelings for me at all. I'm not sure what that says about me except that perhaps I have a tendency to gravitate toward people who are emotionally unavailable for me.

"Hey! Who's in control here, anyway?"

That's what my perpetual calendar asks this morning. When I survey my home I would have to say, tongue in cheek, my cats. They had managed to rearrange things with their antics. I spent a few hours cleaning two rooms.

In my sickness, I used to think it was me that was in control. I had superhuman powers. I could pull money out of thin air. I could be two places at once. I could "make" someone do my bidding just by thinking about it. I could read your thoughts and feelings. I had superhuman strength and endurance, too. What did I get for that way of life? Tired!!!! But I did it out of love and that made everything okay. Yeah, right.

When I look at the big picture I have to say God is in control. I have no clue where the money for the various bills will come from. I have no clue about my job. I have no clue about what will happen to my three families. But He does. It's hard to turn loose of that fantasy called control. It's hard to walk by faith. It's hard to sit and do nothing. But it is necessary.

I'm not totally at rest though. I am doing something. I'm doing the footwork. I'm also cleaning up my act so to speak. Cleaning is always a good idea. I'm also doing my own inventory and focusing on myself. I am doing something.

God's message to me is "Wait". I have no clue what I am waiting for but here I sit.

I was thinking about amends. How is it that I feel like I owe an amends and when I offer one I'm told it's not me but them? Still the situation does not seem to get any better.

I have a friendship that I miss terribly. Well, actually I have two or three friendships that I miss. I thought we were getting pretty close. I guess it was one sided. I needed them and it was only supposed to be for a short while. It wasn't meant to be long term. Still, I miss them. If the situation is them and not me then why do I feel so badly?

Well, today is the last day of school. Students pick up report cards and teachers begin about 6 weeks of vacation.

Last night when I got home George's wife, Sharon, called to tell me about the Special Education job open at her school. An Al-Anon buddy had already informed me of it a week ago. That's humbling for me. That someone thought enough of me to call and say, "Hey, Yo, there's a position open here. Why don't you apply for it?"

I hope I hear something soon about the positions that are available here. I'd like to go on and submit my resignation to the principal of my school. I'd like to go ahead and "dust the dirt off my feet," so to speak.

I think I'm going to forego lunch with the girls today as tempting as it is. A mudslide at Applebee's sounds good but I really can't afford the time to do that. I've eaten with them two days this week. We've had our gossip fest. I'd rather reschedule to get with them when I learn if I have a job here or not. I think I need to come home and finish cleaning. The apartment is long over due for my attention. I got so bogged down in depression that I let it go. And Mac is right, that didn't happen overnight. I've been in the downward spiral for over a year. But now that I've got a little of my second wind back I think I need to ride it out.

I came in here and flipped the perpetual calendar and found:

"With every difficulty comes an opportunity."

I've had several small difficulties. I'm trying to decide what my opportunities were. I guess it is growth.

Gratitude list for today-

A- Attitude

B- Behavior

C- Choices

D- Decisions- right or wrong, it's time to make them and act

E- Educated guesses

F- Faith, Friends, Family

G- God, grace, growth

H- Hope, humility

I- Interests- it's time to take a vested interest in my own recovery again and it's time to explore new interests

J- Job

K- Kindness

L- Limitations- I need to remember what mine are

M- Motivation

N- Nice people

O- Options

P- Perseverence

Q- Quiet solitude

R- Resolve

S- Serenity

T- Talent- I have talents I do not use

U- Unconditional love

V- Vickie

W- Wisdom, may I find some

X- Xena, may I have her energy and attitude to tackle what is in front of me

Y- Yolanda

Z- Zinnias- it's time to stop and smell the flowers

I didn't have a lot to do at school today. I just had to be present so that my students could pick up their report cards. Fourteen of them showed up. Four were left in the office.

I watched as the family I once knew at the school fell further into the deep, dark well. People were at each other's throats. I opted not to go to lunch with my friends from there because I didn't care to hear any more of the complaining.

I sat in my room awaiting students and worked in my Al-Anon books. I found a lot of the answers I sought in the new CAL- Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses- even as I watched my second family crumble.

In regards to my biological family and my reaction to my sponsor and her family here is what I found:

Even if certain family members are still living, many of us feel as if we are already mourning their loss. We grieve for loss of the relationships we wanted but couldn't have because of the disease of alcoholism. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 64.

Acceptance may not always feel good, but it can free us from the burden of old expectations. Once we reach this level of acceptance with our families, we become free to welcome other people into our lives who can be there for us in ways our families can't. Some of us refer to such people as our "family of choice." For many of us, our family of choice includes Al-Anon members. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 65.

It can be hard to imagine our lives on the other side of grief. In moving on, we may fear we'll be abandoning our loved one, our dreams, our past, or our pain. The idea of going on with our lives can leave us feeling uneasy and guilty. Refusing to allow ourselves to move on benefits no one, and ultimately damages ourselves and others. We can say, "yes" to life without forgetting our losses. Perhaps moving on isn't abandoning any one else. Perhaps it's really about choosing not to abandon ourselves. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 129.

In regard to my second family, my school family, I found this:

Life is full of change. So too are our relationships. If we're lucky, a few relationships will last our entire lives. Some will last for years, others for months or weeks. Regardless of the duration, each of our relationships has much to teach us about ourselves and can help us see the areas where we'd like to grow or change. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 77.

In regard to my third family, my recovery family, I found this:

True to the family disease of alcoholism, although presented with numerous examples of others who valued my friendship, I remained focused on the one person who didn't.... It was important for me to take my own inventory, to do what I needed for myself, and to "Live and Let Live." Other people's opinions and decisions are none of my business, and I need not take them personally. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 92-93.

I also found something to help me with another loss, a loss of a dream:

We may find ourselves obsessed with what might have been or what we could have done differently. If both people involved are willing, an open and honest discussion can help us understand how we may have contributed to any problems in the relationship. Introspection, such as this allows us the learn from our mistakes and to apply what we've learned to our relationships in the future. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 92.

Ultimately the best readings I found were these:

Healing from our losses depends so much upon our willingness to feel. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 115.

By facing our feelings, we stop running from ourselves. Although we may have once felt burdened by our emotions, today we trust that we'll be okay no matter what we feel. After all, if we can't experience sadness, anger or pain, how can we know joy, happiness, or serenity when it comes our way? Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 131.

I just finished watching Akeelah and the Bee again. I still get the part where we all need each other in order to survive. I still get the part where we are all connected. I still get the part where Marianne Williamson's quote is read. But I saw something else today. It was the part about acceptance.

Acceptance is so important in a recovery program. It's not just about accepting the things I can't change or that I accept myself. It's about being accepted by others, welcomed into the fold. It's about that sense of family- the family of choice. I saw it in Rent, Fame, and countless others. It's about the journey of life and the people we meet on the way. It's about extending the hand of friendship and help. When I think of movies like Rent and AIDS I can't help but see a parallel between it and alcoholism. What does it matter if one has a disease? They still need love. It shouldn't take a disease for us to love one another. And yet it does. Sometimes people use their disease or their unresolved issues to isolate themselves from those who would love them for themselves. It's fear. I wonder sometimes what they could possibly be afraid of and then I think I know. It's the fear of becoming attached and then having to let go. To those people I say, take the risk. I've raged against those who have said similar things. But you know what? It really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

This morning I'm feeling a little healthier. I was very tired last night. I had moved a lot of things out of my classroom and brought it home last night. I should have put things up and finished cleaning but it was more important for me to spend time with my brother. I went to bed about 9:00. Slept pretty good.

I wish that I could just blow off the Al-Anon meeting tonight but Kathy had said that she would show up. I will go and see if anyone appears. I really do need a meeting. I have the e-mail Al-Anon group and phone meetings with my sponsor and various recovery buddies but it's not the same. I still need face to face contact.

I rented two spiritual DVDs while Barry and I were at Movie Gallery. I'll watch them this weekend. If no one shows tonight I may put one in lieu of a meeting. House cleaning can wait until tomorrow. It's half a day at school. Or it could wait until Saturday. There is no hurry. I've got to make a run to Barnes and Noble to finish shopping for Mac's birthday present. His birthday is May 29.

Gratitude list for today:

A- AA, Al-Anon
B- Barry
C- Computer
D- Dad my original alcoholic
E- E-mail, energy
F- Friends, family, faith
G- God, grace
H- Hope, health
I- Internet
J- Joey because he brought me into Al-Anon
K- Kittens
L- Linda my sista, Lisa
M- Mac, Marion, Mary Jo, music
N- Nails to hang pictures on the wall
O- Optimism
P- Paddy, Pat Dooley, Patricia
Q- Quiet time, quarters
R- Radio, Rosary beads
S- Serenity
T- Tim, transportation
U- Understanding
V- Vickie
W- Wisdom
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zeus

It's 9:00 a few hours removed from what I wrote earlier. I'm taking a break. I only have two portfolios left to do and I have to wait on the Resource teacher to hand me some Running Record information before I can finish those. I also have 15 report cards to do but I'm here until 3:00. I figure I have plenty of time. I am pacing myself.

I've had a few God moments since I left home. After I left home I stopped at the post office to get my mail. The Al-Anon Love Express newsletter was in there. Linda's ad wasn't in there but there was a snippet about my sponsor's daughter and what she's been doing for Al-Anon. That was a good read. I was energized. She's doing things I want to do myself for our home group.

I took myself out to breakfast at Shoney's. I normally don't treat myself to anything like that. I decided that I should start treating myself as if I were the honored guest. I remembered going out one Saturday a month with my dad to breakfast. We used to go to a local diner and eat. We'd order fried eggs over easy, grits, bacon and toast. It was heaven! I got my father all to myself. He used to say that it was necessary to treat ourselves out every once in a while. So, today I did.

I stopped at Walgreens on the way to work to get some lotion. I saw the CD for Dream Girls. It was on sale for $6.99. So, I bought it. Two of the songs I liked are on it- I Am Changing and Hard to say Goodbye. To me that was a God moment.

I'm wearing the Serenity by the Bay t-shirt that Linda bought for me while we attended the Alabama Al-Anon Convention. I wore it for various reasons and I've already gotten comments on it. I'm feeling pretty good about myself this morning. I'm serene. Thank God! I'm praying this feeling lasts.

I'm home now. Two hours from now I'll be at the group meeting. Just thinking about it makes me aggitated. I hate going into that building! I hate this group! I don't want to be the GR any more. These people are killing me with their luke warm attitude.

I find hope and inspiration in poetry on-line. I have to pursue God and allow him to tell me what my next step is. This is what I found today. It's the same message and I am as infuriated as the person in the poem.


Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried: Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate, And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word. My future and all to which I can relate hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, or even a 'no' to which I can resign. And Lord, You promised that if we believe we need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting.... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun. I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be. You would have what you want. But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss!
If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."

~ Anonymous


It's 8:43 p.m. The meeting was good! There were three of us and we discussed the Al-Anon Family Group. I took the meeting out of our newest CAL. I'm trying really hard not to carry a resentment against the group and the board over the club house. It's hard. I want so badly to scream, rant and rage. I've been angry at these people. I needed them and they let me down. That's exactly how I felt about my alcoholic. I think the lesson here is clear. I can only turn to God for support. He is where I need to look when things go wrong- not to blame but to give me the love and hope I so desperately need in times of desperation. But I also need to look to myself for answers. The answers to every question I have are found in me.

It dawned on me today that I've let go of a lot of people and situations. Some of the people I've let go of are painful. I actually trashed their e-mail addresses. I figure if they want to contact me they still have mine. I'm not so hard to find. I'm a creature of habit. Besides, I remembered that saying, "If you love someone let them go. If they come back to you it's meant to be." I think friendships and family qualify with that saying not just romantic interests. I could also place me in that sceneria. I'm the prodigal with my family. They let me go and I came back.

This morning I decided to write an article for the upcoming Al-Anon book about relationships. When I started it, I thought back to two years ago when I was celebrating/ mourning my divorce of one year. I wanted desperately to be in another relationship. I had my heart set on a fellow Al-Anon member.

My grandsponsor (my sponsor's sponsor) pulled me aside at the Nashville Al-Anon Convention and we had a conversation about the difference between "wants" and "needs". Her suggestion to me was that I go home and write down on a sheet of paper what I wanted. I also needed to write down what I would need to do in order to achieve this.

At the time a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex was at the top of my list. So that was what I wrote about. Then on the other side of my paper, I wrote these 4 things that I needed to do:

1. I need a closer, healthier relationship with the God of my understanding.
2. I need a healthier relationship with myself.
3. I need to understand what autonomy is.
4. I need to learn my limitations and to discover what healthy boundaries are.

When I wrote my article this morning I spoke of having achieved that with one of my recovery buddies- Mac. But God has shown me something else this evening. I have that healthy relationship with my biological brother, too.

Barry needed some place to be tonight because he had been uninvited from a church event. I took him out to eat at Hardee's (his choice) and rented a DVD to watch. Although I was impatient and felt I had no time for such things because there was so much I needed to do around the house, God showed me something. I needed to take the time for this. I owe my brother an amends. There is no one else from my childhood who knows who I am better than my brother. He has always been there for me. Although our relationship has not always been 50-50 due to his autism, he has always been in my corner. Today because I have a program our relationship is healthier. I don't lose my temper and take things out on him any more. He does not lose his temper and take things out on me either.

The DVD he rented was Dream Girls and the lyrics spoke to me. I had to go on-line to look them up because their message was so clear to me. Tonight I am grateful for my brother. I am grateful that he needed a place to land and that I was chosen. I am sorry for my impatience but glad that I did not lose my temper as I might have in the past. God reminds me that this is more important than how clean my house is. He also reminds me that there will be time for cleaning later. But there will not always be time for me to spend with my brother.

Look at the lyrics of these songs:

I Am Changing

From the movie Dream Girls

Effie:
Look at me,
Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can

I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand

I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you,
I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I can do it all alone?
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again,
Oh
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am

I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow and nothing's gonna stop me now


Listen

From the movie Dream Girls

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all ‘cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Oh,Now I'm done believin’ you
You don't know what I'm feelin’
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
Sooo long ago
Ohh, I'm free now and my dreams 'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your ownAll cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be movin’ on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will complete
Oh,Now I'm done believin’ you
You don’t know what I'm feelin’
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..my own...


I Miss You Old Friend

From the movie Dream Girls

I miss you old friend,can I hold you?
and through it been a long time
old friend do you mind?
there was so many things
I wish I had said
I meant to love you
but I hurt you instead
I’ve come here now
to make amends
can I sit down beside you
can we be close again

I miss you old friend
can I hold you?
and though its been a long time
old friend do you mind?
I’m hoping that you will feel this way too
'cause I miss you old friend
I miss you

Hard To Say Goodbye

From the movie Dream Girls

We didn't make forever.
We each got to go our separate way,
And now we're standing here, helpless,
Looking for something to say.
We've been together a long time.
We never thought it would end.
We were always so close to each other;
You were always my friend.
And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.
Hard to see you cry, my love.
Hard to open up that door.
You're not sure what you're going for.
I didn't want this to happen,
But we shouldn't feel sad.
We had a good life together.
Just remember, remember, all the times we had.
You know I've always loved you
You know I always will
But no matter how far I may go
In my heart
You'll always be there
And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.
Hard to see you cry, my love.
Hard to open up that door.
You're not sure what you're going for.
You'll know I'll always love you.
You'll know I'll always care.
And no matter how far I may go,
In my thoughts,
You'll always be there.
(It's so hard) hard to say good-bye, my love.
(Baby, it's hard) hard to see you cry, my love.
(It's hard) hard to open up that door,
When you're not sure what you're going for.
(It's so hard.)Good-bye my love.
(Baby, it's so hard.)
We didn't make forever.
It's so hard.
I can feel there's something more.
(When you're not sure what you're going for.)
We've got to work it,
We've got to try,
Though it's hard, so hard
We have to say good-bye
Though it's hard, so hard
We have to say
We didn't make forever.
How could we lose tomorrow?
We didn't make forever.
How could we loose tomorrow?

Wow! What powerful messages! I am changing. I do need someone to listen to me. I have said, "goodbye" to some old friends and I have hurt some. I needed this movie tonight just as I needed my friend Mac to talk to me the way he did on Sunday night. I am grateful for the friends I have and that they love me enough to talk honestly to me.

This is the entry I sent to the on-line Al-Anon group today. I am so glad I joined this group it may save my bacon. As I told my sponsor last night, I have to pursue recovery anywhere I can find it. This maybe my ticket.


Growing up in an alcoholic home, I experienced a high degree of uncertainty in my young life. One day I would come home to open, loving arms that met my needs and allowed me to feel safe. The next day would be filled with verbal and emotional abuse. Living with these extremes, my feeling tried to keep pace. Eventually they resembled a roller-coaster ride filled with extreme highs and lows. I learned to cling to the extremes and to hold on for dear life.
When I reached Al-Anon, I slowly but surely climbed off the roller coaster and placed my emotions and my life into the hands of a Power greater than myself.
Hope for Today, p. 282.


I've been in Al-Anon for almost 4 years now. I had gotten off the emotional roller coaster but lately I've found myself back on it. I'm reacting to people and situations again. I'm also feeling like I'm responsible for everyone and everything again.

At times even though the emotional roller coaster is painful for me because it leads to obsessive thinking, I prefer it to the days when I was shut down. I hadn't thought about all of the "whys" to the situation (why do I prefer it, why am I back on it, etc) because I was so bogged down in the emotional inconsistencey that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. All I know is that I've been drowning in my feelings.

Since I've joined this group each topic you're presented has hit me where I need to be hit. Thank you for this topic because it gave me pause. I searched for a reading that I could use as a spring board and found just the one that helped me. I can't thank you enough.

I'd also like to tell all of you that the new CAL book that deals with losses is awesome. I bought one at our area assembly Saturday.

Help!

As sung by the Beatles

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.


For some reason this song popped into my head this morning. I guess, my theme for the summer is going to be seeking and asking for help. I need a lot of it.

Last night I talked to one of my cousins who is in recovery. He sounded like he was doing better. But then, he's one that can fake his way through things. I sincerely hope he is doing as well as he sounds. I talked to him about various family issues and then I got down to the reason for calling. I had heard him say some time back that he had been molested as a child and I was curious to see if it was by the same family member that I believe molested my brother and me. It was! I told him vaguely what I remembered from my childhood and asked him to keep it to himself because my memory is a little shaky at best. I don't want to accuse someone of doing something if I'm wrong. But a lot of what he had to tell me jived with what I remembered. We also talked of our family's history of mental illness and how it has affected us over the years. It is good to talk to someone who does not try to cover up feelings. I was glad that I reached out to my younger cousin.

I also talked to my sponsor at length last night. I've become somewhat of an oddity to her because one day I'm up and the next day I'm not. Sometimes my mood changes in midstream. I told her that I have an appointment to talk to a counselor from Centerstone soon and that I really felt like right now I need the extra talk time. She had no idea that I had ever sought counseling of any kind. Just as I thought she viewed me as real fruit cake she informed me that she did not think I was crazy but that I was in a bad way (in so much pain). I was grateful that I called her.

I've said that my mother and brother's problems may take a village. Mine may, too. I don't know what it is that I'm grieving over but I really think I'm going through grief right now.

I don't know what's wrong with me. On the one hand I feel like I'm grieving a great loss but no one has died. The past several months I've felt like all three of my families are dying but last night as I talked with Mac, I finally admitted what I did not want to think about- it is me that is dying.

I don't know when it began. But I know that I have gone backward in my program. I feel just as miserable as I did when I came into Al-Anon almost four years ago. At that time my life was unmanagable and I felt like I was responsible for the whole world. I also felt like everything I thought about myself was somehow not suitable. I had an alcoholic/addict husband who used to take me apart piece by piece. I was living in a prison of his making. Any emotion I had was inappropriate. If I laughed, I laughed too long and too loud. If I sang or danced around the house because I was happy, my song and dance was inappropriate. If I sought out activities that made me happy, he ridiculed them. If I expressed a desire to be intimate I was made to feel undesirable. If I went to worship at church he also had something to say about it. If I was sad, and I was a lot of the time, I was wrong to be sad. If I was angry and tried to defend myself the verbal abuse and threats of violence increased. Nothing I did was right. I felt like a piece of garbage.

Those feelings are back. Recently I've had various AA and Al-Anon members say and do things that have brought back those feelings. To be verbally attacked in a meeting by a board member of the clubhouse, who didn't belong in an Al-Anon meeting to begin with, simply because she was someone of social standing and felt better than me was wrong. To have that same person deliberately open a meeting room door and leave it open violated anonymity and confidentiality. To have that same person try to engage Al-Anon members in a personal vendetta against the smokers in the building was wrong. She may be the person behind the anonymous phone call. Then to go to a meeting with Al-Anon members and have them reprimand me in a group meeting was also uncalled for. One of the members is my former sponsor. I can't seem to ever do anything right in her eyes. She has criticized me almost as harshly as my alcoholic/addict did but the difference is that she says she does it out of love. I don't need that kind of love. My Bible tells me that love is gentle and kind. I thought that was what Al-Anon was all about.

Tha sense of being responsible for everything is back too. At one time I felt like I held my alcoholic's life in my hands. I felt super responsible. Over the last few months I had begun to feel responsible for my home group, the clubhouse that houses AA, Al-Anon and NA, the Lawrenceburg group and the district. People just didn't seem to have any energy left and I was propping them up. I have enough on my plate without having that responsibility added to it. I feel like the thing for me to do is to step down as GR and district secretary. I just can't do it any more. Al-Anon, the very thing that saved my life 4 years ago, is beginning to kill me.

I just can't do this any more. I still need my meetings but no one is showing up for them. I've joined an on-line Al-Anon group and I'm beginning to get adjusted to it. I've got contacts in various other meeting locations that I am keeping in contact with and that I will be visiting soon. In addition to that, I am going back to Centerstone for counseling sessions. My nerves are so bad and I am so miserable that I need the extra help again. This time they may put me on some kind of medication. I kind of hope they don't because my entire family is on some kind of nerve or depression medication. I'd like to continue in life without it. But I did get put on it once before when my alcoholic was still in prison. It could happen again. All I know is that I can not continue at the pace that has been set for me without some serious help. My friends are beginning to get a little scared that I might do myself some harm. I will admit I've been a little suicidal- I was before, too. But I don't think I'd ever do myself harm. Pain is the major deterent there.

When I can, I will attend meetings on Monday morning with my sponsor. That is a fairly healthy group and it is a no-cross talk group. I feel the need to be in one of those right now.

Other parts of my life seem to be improving but the constant paranoia and depression threatens to engulf me there, too. But I can honestly say that those areas of my life are getting healthier while this one area, the area that saved my life, is killing me. Maybe I'm in the wrong program. I've mentioned that to Mac a few times that's why he thinks I seriously need an AA sponsor and he is it right now. But I'm riding his nerves too badly. He may bail on me soon if I don't get help. He pretty much told me that last night.

I'm listening to my "Rent" CD and the first song, "Seasons of Love" speaks to me like never before. This time I focus on the words, "...526,000 journeys to plan..." and I look at my perpetual calendar to read:

"To begin may seem difficult-
almost impossible.
Yet, in beginning
lies the glory."

Wow! This puts me in mind to what my friend, my adopted brother, said about the bizarre dream I had. I had to tell someone and I knew he would not think I was nuts.
He said that part of the dream- about this strange woman who appeared to guide me through the maze of theatrics and background scenery represented a big change, a transformation. She perhaps represented me. The other parts he said he'd have to think about. When I told him of my sarcastic friend appearing vaguely in my dream sitting in the bleachers, eating popcorn he suddenly had to get off the phone. I wondered with some paranoia if the two men were at their workshop together and then I thought, "Nah! That's too far fetched." My brother appeared briefly in my dream, too. But most of the people in this dream were foreign to me. I know the dream means something because I remember too much of it.

In two hours I will pick my sponsor up and begin our trip to the Al-Anon assembly but that is not the journey that everything points to. My journey includes this woman, of that I am sure. It actually includes various members of her family. All roads seem to lead to them and that scares me.

When I am in codependent relationships I am generally dependent on the emotional support. These days my emotional stability is at zero. I'm on this roller coaster that is spiraling down a mountain side at an earth shattering speed. Then I am in a dark valley. Then begins the climb again and I am in the clouds. I ride this roller coaster because I don't know how to get off. But I have to say when I compare it to where I was 4 years ago- shut down and feeling numb- I prefer it. I think God wants me to feel my emotions to their height and depth. It's time to throw off the inhibitions somewhat and take a chance, to risk being hurt. Maybe that's why this family scares me so much. They offer so much in the way of life that I have never experienced.

After I got off the phone with my adopted brother I sent an e-mail to the popcorn eating apparition. I had remembered a cat from my dream and that reminded me of my two girls- Cocoa and Alley. I had to talk to someone about my cats. It seemed he was my logical choice but I know he thinks I'm nuts. I don't even think he reads his e-mail any more.

I miss my, dare I say, friend. There's something about him that appeals to me. I am not dependent on him for emotional stability, thank God. That would be a disaster. He's struggling too much. I think it was the intellectual stimulation, the back and forth barbs, that I enjoyed. He made me think. Very rarely do I have anyone to spar with. Of course, I have my adopted brother, but he's vicious. Our sparring matches are not pretty at times. We argue and make up. I don't know how to explain it but I know it's very different from anything I've ever experienced. I just miss it.

Well, it was a night like no other. I went to my Al-Anon meeting and only one other person showed up. We went on with our group inventory, just the two of us. She asked me why no other people were showing up. I have no clue. This happens periodically. Attendance falls off. I've never seen it this bad though. I guess as long as two show up we can have a meeting. But we don't take in money for rent. Thankfully we have a prudent reserve built up. So, I think things will be okay. I still think we ought to move our meeting to another location but... I'm only the GR. I'm not the group. I have to stand behind what the group votes on.

Susan gave me a suggestion about a serene place to go. I can't tell you where she told me to go. But I will say that all roads seem to lead to the same place. I don't understand why things are happening as they are. I'm a little confused. I'm either going insane or I am really in tune with my Higher Power.

After I went to bed last night I had a series of strange dreams between trips to the bathroom. I remember one vividly because the same sort of suggestion that was given to me at the Al-Anon meeting came up. Everything leads to the same place.

Then I get up this morning and look at my perpetual calendar and it says:

"Where doors and hearts are open wide,
you're sure to find love and peace inside."

I know this to be true of my relationship with this family but I can't do this. I can't allow myself to get attached. I just can't go through another episode of being told that I imagined everything. I'm so confused! I argue with my Higher Power all the time. He's supposed to be all knowing. If I am actually in tune with my Higher Power then I am in big, big trouble. This seems to be a hopeless case to me.

On another note one of the job openings in this county is across the hall from the Al-Anon member who attended the meeting with me last night. Hey, I'd know two people at that school if I got it. So why does Minor Hill keep popping into my head?

We're in the final count down at school. Today is Lipsynch and an ice cream party this afternoon even though they don't deserve it. I'm very tired and ready for school to be out.

LOVE STINKS

As sung by J. Geils Band

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks

(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah
(Love stinks)
Love stinks yeah yeah

I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks



This song pretty much sums it up for me. I hate how I'm feeling right now. I don't want to go into detail but I know that this is part of what is wrong with me.

Sometimes I become so overwhelmed with the things going on in my life that I have to remind myself to breathe. The past few nights I've gotten to bed very early and slept through the night. I wake up at least once or twice for a trip to the bathroom- I'm diabetic, those potty trips can't be put off- but I go right back to sleep. Is it depression or that I really am physically tired?

I think about the financial problems that I have and I wonder where in the world I will find a summer job but then I remember that I've been here before. This is familiar territory. A job, maybe several will appear, and I will be okay. I won't live like a queen but I will eke by. I also wonder about switching jobs, looking for something closer to home. I remind myself that I've been here before, too. Something will materialize. Money has always been an issue with me. I never seem to be overflowing with it. Maybe that's a good thing. But to be in bankruptcy, still owe on repairs that didn't get made on a truck sitting idle while making monthly payments on another vehicle (insanity) and to owe the IRS almost the same amount as the repair bill comes to, is a little too much to look at. These things are new to my neighborhood.

My family is going through some changes, too. Mom and Barry's financial situation is being taken over by government agencies because Mom can no longer manage her finances. They will eventually be separated physically, for their own good, in low rent housing. Mom's eye sight has gotten worse. So has her hearing. I've noticed she walks with her right leg at an angle now where she broke that ankle a few years back. My heart hurts every time I look at her. I love my mother so much and it's painful to see her in this shape. I can't do anything about it. Barry's mental health is getting worse. I watched him over the year. It hurts to watch him, too. Thirteen years ago I moved back here to help out with their situation, so this is not new territory, either. But somehow the twists and turns in it feel different. I see our family dynamics changing and it's scary. They are still living and around me but I feel like an orphan without any family at all.

My home group is changing. I've seen attendence fall off before but somehow this feels different. This feels like Al-Anon itself is dying. Now, when I walk into the building after all that has happened there, I feel paranoid and so sick. I feel like I did the first time I walked in the building almost four years ago. I want to just sit and cry or rage at the everyone who appears. What is wrong with these people? Don't they know that I need them to be healthy because I'm falling apart? Why do I have to be the strong one all the time? Can't they see I'm dying here?

When I was living in my alcoholic marriage I used to drive to work and think to myself, "If I just kept driving straight without attempting to make this curve I could go off that clift over there. It would all be over. I wouldn't have to worry about these things any more." I'm back to thinking like that. Some mornings the feelings of utter dispair envelope me so much that I pray in desperation.

That's another area I have problems in. I'm actively pursuing the God of my understanding. He seems to be in the Catholic Church. I don't understand. This is so far removed from what I'm used to. I can't just go sit in a church and listen. There are rituals that need to be observed. I don't know them. I feel lost. I'm afraid I will offend those around me if I don't do these things but if I don't know what to do or why... Maybe someone will come to my rescue with that. Why do I have to become something in order to worship God? I guess I'm digging in my hills a little here. I'm a little scared but for some reason I feel better when I pursue it so I know that I'm in the right place.

As to relationships- I wish I was in one. But I'm not. It's just not in the cards for me. Maybe I'll become a nun.

How Deep is Your Love

As sung by the Bee Gees

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show

Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show

Chorus
Repeat and fade


I was thinking about relationships on my way home from work. This song came on the radio and my mind immediately went to someone- my alcoholic and addict. Well, I guess he's not mine any more. We're divorced. But I remember him telling me so many times that he was tired of me thinking that he didn't love me when he did.

I don't think he loved anyone to tell you the truth. It's hard to love someone when you have no self-love. I think he beat on himself far more than I do or ever did.

I thought about someone else because of who sang the song, too. The Bee Gees always put me in mind of the same person but then so does the song Rumors by Timex Social Club. I can be driving along in my own little world and not have thought of him all day and (poof!) along comes a song that puts him in my head. I don't know what it means. It may not mean anything really. It's kind of annoying. I mean, he isn't even talking to me any more and I haven't seen him in 4 months. I'd begun to think I'd said something to offend. Then, I felt kind of rejected. That rejection feeling wouldn't be so bad for me because I'm so used to it, but I really thought this was a real human being that I was dealing with rather than a superficial robot. Human beings are hard to come by these days. Most of us have bought into what the media says we should be attracted to and we overlook people who have some substance to them. But maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I have no real substance. Maybe I'm as shallow as they come.

Now, rather than putting him in that subhuman category, I placed myself in his shoes and realized something very important. He can't afford to make any attachments because his fate has not yet been settled. But I also look at that from another stand point. Tomorrow is not promised us. We have only today to live. By holding people at arm's length out of fear we rob ourselves of today. Today is ultimately all that we have. In the movie Rent there's a song entitled No Day But Today. It kind of sums up one of our AA/Al-Anon slogans- One Day at a Time. At any rate, I can't do anything about the situation. I miss my friend terribly and I worry about him. Of all the people I've met in the program I believe I will miss his friendship the most because I felt like I'd found a kindred spirit. For once I didn't feel like such an odd ball. Here was someone who seemed to understand.

The other person that came to mind was an oldtimer in the AA group here. I love to hear him talk about his relationship with his deceased wife. It makes me envious. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to experience a real love ever. I don't want to be joined at the hip. I don't want to be co-dependent. I want to be interdependent. I want to be in a relationship where we compliment each other. But maybe people like me never get that chance. I feel like Shrek in Shrek 2 when the Fairy Godmother says that no where in the fairy tales does it mention that ogres live happily ever after. Perhaps I am an ogre. I certainly agreed with Shrek in the first movie when he said Ogres were like onions because they had layers. My nickname is "Onion" so maybe I'm an ogre. But even he was able to achieve happiness with Princess Fiona. Wonder if there is such a person out there for me?

Oh, well. I guess I need to start following the Law of Attraction (The Secret) a little more closely. Maybe the one for me is out there somewhere. I certainly checked one out while I was shopping in Wal-Mart. He put me in mind to my estranged friend. I looked for a wedding ring. Didn't see one. Of course, these days that doesn't mean anything. My alcoholic never wore his.

It's kind of sad to me but my healthiest male/female relationship is with someone I've sort of adopted as my brother. Bless his heart, I ride his nerve a lot. I think he'd rather I divorced myself from him and unadopted him.

When I look at the four men that one song made me think of I have to laugh. They all have one thing in common- they're all recovering alcoholics! Their similarities go much deeper than that but it would take a month of Sundays to explain them. On the surface one would say that the only thing they have in common is their alcoholism, not so my friends. Wow! I can't believe I just did that. I've just had a revelation. It's so funny. Oh, if I could but share what I thought of without violating their anonymity!

Sometimes I wish my ex would call me so that I could talk to him as freely as I used to when we were friends. But then, I remember how it was when he was actively drinking and using. I really don't want to get tied up with him again. My life is far better off without him in it.

Have you ever felt like there was something about you that just wasn't quite right? Like your drum plays so off beat that no one except you can possibly march or dance to it? This is how I've felt all my life.

We're told in Al-Anon that there is nothing about us that is unique but I don't believe that's true. I think we're all unique. We come from different backgrounds, have different beliefs, etc. I think it would be better to say that in Al-Anon we come together to focus on our common bond. Our differences shouldn't matter. But somehow... they do. Lately I've felt like no emotion I show or feel is appropriate. If I am happy, I'm out of order. If I'm sad, I'm out of order. If I'm mad, I'm out of order. Do I breath right? I know that feelings aren't based on fact. My books tell me that they are a reflection of reality. But they are still my feelings and I have a right to feel them- good, bad or indifferent. Whose place is it to tell me that I have no right to be happy, sad or mad?

And my thoughts can be a little off beat sometimes but they're mine. Some may not be sane and I might need some gentle nudging (I place emphasis on the word gentle here) to get me back on track but I still have the right to be as insane as I want to be. Sometimes I need to pursue an insane thread to the end before I see the error of my thinking. Sometimes I have to completely lose it to understand the difference between sane and insane thinking. Don't I also have that right?

My CAL books tell me that Al-Anon members are not to give advice only suggestions. It also says we are not to do each other's inventories. Yet there are some who do mine. And I have to confess I've done theirs a time or two. But not any more. I've got too much on my plate to worry about anyone but me. I'm seeking a new job elsewhere, trying to recuperate my financial situation, get my mother and brother the services they need, and mend my relationships. I just don't have time to dedicate to the drama of someone else's life. I don't mean to be rude but it's the truth. I've put all my things in God's hands and I believe everyone else should do the same.

Right now I'm in the paranoid phase. I feel like there are snipers on the roof tops. There are a lot of underhanded things going on around here. People making phone calls designed to disrupt unity. Threatening phone calls and verbally abusive phone calls have also become the norm. it's just plain wrong. Our group was already weak. These things have served to scatter us like seeds in the wind. I had a lot of paranoia while my alcoholic was in prison. I thought everyone knew my secret and I was scared it would affect my job and my friendships.

I'm also in the phase where I feel as if everything I say or do offends someone. I'm afraid of making a move for fear that someone will reprimand me. That's what happened in my marriage. I feel like I'm still married to my active alcoholic and addict.

While I was doing my laundry just now, I was doing the 12 Traditions Study that an Alabama Al-Anon member put together using the CAL, Paths to Recovery. In Tradition Three it says we can spread ourselves too thin trying to be all things to all people. I think that's where I am right now with my home group. I feel like I'm gettng sick again because I'm stretched too thin. That's the way I felt while I was married to an active alcoholic and addict. I felt like Stretch Armstrong. The fact that I feel this way again is not a good sign. To me it is an indication that I need to get out while I still have some sanity. But where would I go?

I think I finally figured out what's been wrong with me the last few months. I've been on an emotional drunk. I knew there was something in the Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature about it and I went digging until I found it.

Here it is:

Like many children of alcoholics, I vowed I’d never drink like my father. Nevertheless, I do get drunk; only I get drunk on feelings. If not checked, my hurt, anger, and fear can trigger a downward spiral that leaves me feeling completely unmanageable. I’m often unable to function as I allow my bad moods to drag me into a pit of depression. It’s as if I’m on an emotional drunk. I can’t hold my feelings any more than an alcoholic can hold his or her liquor.
I use the First Step to accept that, just for today. I’m powerless by myself to stop these emotional binges once they gain momentum. I do have the power, however, to make small choices that reunite me with my Higher Power and the sanity spoken of in Step Two. Sometimes these choices are so small, all I need to do is to change the position of my hand. I remove it from my tearful face and pick up the phone to call my sponsor, read an issue of The Forum, or turn the ignition in my car and go to a meeting.
When I do one of these things, peace, and serenity begin to seep back into my mind and heart. Now I’m working on having my feelings while not allowing them to control me. I pray daily for the ability to feel and express my emotions in ways that honor me, and those people who touch my life.
Hope for Today, p. 10

You know how you do things out of fear and then you regret it? I really, really regret having deleted my blog. It served as an outlet for my insane thinking and some pretty healthy things, too. Wish I had at least copied and pasted it into my computer journal.

The ism material is being worked on a little more thoroughly by myself and some others for a potential workshop. Don't know if it will get off the ground.

A lot of unhealthy things have transpired in the last two months. A lot of our isms are showing. I do a daily inventory to see which I'm experiencing.

Kind of tired. Had a lot hit me at once. Had a lot of depression. I'm told what I'm experiencing is normal. I'm feeling all my feelings and I'm allowing myself the luxury to grieve over some things. I hate being depressed. I grew up with the two extreme emotions- anger and depression. I understand anger better than I do depression.

Any way I may sneak back into this blog from time to time to let out some insanity. Missed my old buddy.