Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The Dark Side

Have you ever gone outside at night and looked closely at the new moon? Or looked through a telescope at the moon when it was crescent shaped? Although what we see is a bright slice, we know there's more. Even when the moon is full and lights the night sky, there's a dark side to the moon.

There's a dark side to us too. We all experience jealousy, envy, bitterness, resentment. How about neediness? Ugh. Who wants to shine a light on that?

What about all those fears? Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of intimacy, fear of going broke, fear of the unknown, fear of growing old, fear of being alone, fear of being with someone, fear of losing control.

Then there are other parts of us that we would prefer to keep darkened and out of sight, parts such as greed, dishonesty, intolerance, disgust, hatred. Although some people have no problem showing anger, others of us prefer to keep that out of sight too. And what about our manipulative part? Who wants anyone to see that?

Some of us may even consider the dark side of ourselves forbidden. We may refuse to acknowledge it exists because we believe it's wrong. Not acknowledging our dark side doesn't wish it out of existence, any more than not seeing the dark side of the moon makes it disappear.

Most sane people agree that they don't want to be controlled by their dark side. We don't want parts of ourselves - jealousy, neediness, and greed - to control our behaviors. But when we don't acknowledge these emotions and traits, they can gain control. The more we try to repress something, the more it fights for its life.

Don't be afraid. Shine a light on that dark part. At least look at it briefly. Acknowledge it's there. Take some of the pressure off. Let yourself be well rounded, instead of one-dimensional. We don't just have a light side, a bright side. Nobody is always loving, always kind, always generous, and always thoughtful.

Perpetual calendar says:

Don't go planting
seeds of doubt
then expect a
harvest of confidence.

The two readings seemed to kind of go together. The topic was just approached from a different angle.

I guess both of these are things that I needed to see this morning. Yesterday was pay day. I managed to pay my electic bill, 2 months rent, get my tags renewed, make a truck payment, pay back Lois, give Mom some money for groceries, fill up my gas tank, get my hair cut and buy several things for my classroom (I spent too much there). I've got some decisions to make on how to spend the rest of my paycheck. Need to be frugal as I only get paid once a month and the next paycheck is on September 14th. Those three things I was worried about- Gibson Brothers, IRS and bankruptcy- are still weighing heavily on me. I may only be able to pay on one of those things unless I can make three small payments. Not sure any amount would be acceptable but at least I could take a stab at it. Telephone and cable will have to wait a while longer which means that my telephone could be cut off in the near future. Oh, well. I still have my cell phone with a few minutes on it. I've got access to the internet from a variety of places. It's in God's hands. I've done all that I can for now.

I'm extremely tired this morning. I went to bed early as I had worked myself into exhaustion but my body aches from the strain of it all. Yesterday ran smoother even though it got off to a rocky start with a visit from the principal. It seems that disgruntled assistant that left the classroom caused far more trouble than I had originally thought. But as Jennifer said, it will all blow over. The best thing to do is move forward.

I'm working on things for the classroom. The vision specialist gave me PVC pipe to create a mobile for Corey and Samantha, my wheelchair bound students. I did not manage to borrow a hack saw from anyone and I didn't feel like dealing with Lois last night, so I bought a pipe cutter as Kenny suggested. I managed to get the PVC pipe cut last night out of sheer determination. It took me about an hour to cut three pieces but I managed to get it done. The pipe cutters were hard for me to manage. I guess my hands are weaker than I thought. My hat is off to Kenny if he does that on a regular basis.

I am currently looking for a large funnel that is round and flat. It may not actually be called a funnel due to its shape and size but that is the only name I can put to it. I'm trying to create a workstation like the one I had in Columbia. In the science realm it would show centrifigual force. In the special ed realm it would be for fine motor skills as it involves picking up marbles. I bought the largest funnel that I could find but I don't think it's going to work as it is not flat and the opening at the bottom is too small. We'll experiment with it to see what we can do.

I also have several small Mr. Potato Head figures that require assembling. Again this is fine motor skills. I also picked up two more age appropriate puzzles for the kids to assemble.

I spent much of the night after working on my classroom projects answering e-mail and on the telephone with various Al-Anon members. I spoke to three district members directly as I needed an answer to give our speaker for Al-Anon Day. She wants to bring an Alateen speaker with her when she comes. I think it would be cool but I'm just one voice.

I'd like to make an Al-Anon meeting tonight but I've got so much to do that it is doubtful that I will be able to. Oil needs to be changed in truck, laundry is pilling up and I need to straighten up the apartment. I'll look at how I'm feeling at the end of the day. Medication has begun to kick in and I've got a therapy session tomorrow. So, it's not like I am in dire need of a meeting.

Here I am 12 hours later...

I had given a lot of thought to what I needed to do after school today. I did get the oil changed and I did wash the dishes. That is all I'm going to do today. I have clean clothes for tomorrow so laundry can wait until after I've gone to my therapy session. I've got to buy groceries, too. I'm not going to a meeting. I've got this overwhelming sense of urgency for me to stay at home. I'm learning to trust my instincts. So, I'm going to stay put. Might actually turn in early.