I feel like crying this morning. If I could crawl back into bed I would. I was in bed before 8:00 last night. I have pinched nerve in my right foot, my knees, back and shoulders were killing me from all the lifting. I've learned that a lift is on order but it can't get here soon enough.

I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone here. The replacement assistant, while a lovely old man, is another body I have to manipulate into action. Bless his heart he's retired after 31 years in the federal government and he's in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He's doing well to put one foot in front of the other to get to where he's going. Jennifer pretty much summed it up when she said that at least he didn't get on her nerves. Rosie, as he likes to be called, is very calm and easy going but he's still a liability.

The substitute nurse reminds me of Phyllis Diller. But I've got to say that old Phyllis has more on the ball. This woman spends most of her time on the telephone with her son, whom she thinks is schzophrenic. Yesterday she couldn't finish giving my wheel chair bound girl her meds because she had to answer the telephone. It's a night mare.

There are no materials in the classroom, at least not to the degree that I'm used to. I can't get anyone to communicate with me about purchase orders. I feel lost. Pay day is on Monday. I'm just barely surviving personally until that day. Dealing with the classroom stuff is just another issue.

I started antidepressants on Sunday but they haven't kicked in yet. I felt more depressed last night than I have in a while. I just wanted to be held and told that everything would be okay. I needed a hug desperately. This morning I'm feeling about the same way and in about 30 minutes I'll be heading out the door for work. Something's got to give.

My perpetual calendar says:

Others can help us
and inspire us,
but ultimately, we have
to climb our own mountain
and go in the direction
of our own horizon.

I know this to be true but even mountain climbers work on the buddy system.

Maybe I've got a buddy system and just didn't know it. Today was better. Or maybe my antidepressants have kicked in or maybe I'm fooling myself altogether.

An Al-Anon friend send me this today:

Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance,
kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw 'G': I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.
'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.'
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust
that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings
and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead
and to guide you through each season of your life.
And I Hope You Dance !

Then I went on-line to find some poetry by Emerson and found this one:

From "NATURE"
I BECOME A TRANSPARENT EYEBALL
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

by: Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crossing a bare common, in snow puddles, at twilight, under a clouded
sky,
without having in my thoughts any occurance of special good fortune, I
have enjoyed a perfect exhilaration.
I am glad to the brink of fear.
In the woodes, too, a man casts off his years, as the snake his slough,
and at what period soever of like is always a child.
In the woods is perpetual youth.
Within these plantations of God, a decorum and sanctity reign, a
perennial festival is dressed, and the guest sees not how he should tire of them
in a thousand years.
In the woods, we return to reason and faith.
There I feel that nothing can befall me in life,- no disgrace, no calamity
(leaving my eyes), which nature cannot repair.
Standing on the bare ground,- my head bathed by the blithe air and
uplifted into infinite space,- all mean egotism vanishes.

I become a transparent eyeball;
I am nothing;
I see all;
the currents of the Universal being circulate through me;
I am part or parcel of God.
The name of the nearest friend sounds then foreign and accidental: to be
brothers, to be aquaintances, master or servant, is then a triffle and
a disturbance.
I am the lover of uncontained and immortal beauty.
In the wilderness, I find something more dear and connate than in the
streets or villages.
In the tranquil landscape, and especally in the distant line of the
horizon, man beholds somewhat as beautiful as his own nature.