Daily E-Quiet Moment

Thursday, July 31

MEMORIAL OF ST. IGNATIUS OF LOYOLA
We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.

HARRISON FORD
American actor, present day


This came at the right time. Mom had just been worrying about the big change that was coming for her. She woke up this morning and informed me that she was not going into the assistive living program. I informed her that she was. I think we may have an on and off battle to wage these next few weeks.

Barry is not cooperating but then again things haven't been going well in his moving process. He's had to do a lot of things alone because I haven't been able to get to him. Still, I believe it will come out okay on Saturday. Family members are paying to move him. I was surprised at the offer and even more surprised at how willing they were to help.

I had my presentation this afternoon. I was extremely nervous. Some of those teachers have more teaching experience than I do. I didn't want to presume to tell them anything. So, I took a lot of time preparing for it this summer and I think it went over well. I thought I talked too fast and too loud but I got through it. I was complimented by several on my presentation. That was an unusual compliment for me from this crowd as they snubbed me all last year. Still I'm soooo glad it's over.

Powerless

When I have to depend on others to get things done, I feel powerless. It's taken forever to get my brother packed up and moved. If my truck had not been totaled in the accident, I'd have had Barry packed up ages ago and some of the boxes already moved. I'm thinking of calling One Stop Auto and asking them to come get the truck. If they can fix it they can tack the bill for repairs onto what I already pay each month. I miss my wheels. They were my independence.

If I could have hurried along the process of getting the paperwork done on Mom, I'd already have her things packed up and ready to go. I still see a lot of mania and some dementia. She really does need round the clock supervision. I don't know what's going to happen when I go back to school next week. At least my brother will be close by but I think she needs to wean herself away from him. I've talked to my neighbors about checking in on her. Hopefully one of them will take the request to heart.

In the mean time, I'm getting to know Dawn Luggart a lot better. She's been my ride to and from the inservices. I don't want to wear out my welcome with her. I'm going to have to find an alternative way. It's too hot to walk right now. My skills on my bike haven't improved. I think I should see what kind of a deal I can strike with the taxi.

Tomorrow I will have the priviledge of conducting a workshop for my fellow teachers. I'm a little nervous. I pray that it goes without a hitch. I don't know these people very well and I'm afraid my nuttiness will fall on deaf ears. I'm just going to pray and forge ahead.

Mikki is in deep trouble around here. The law was called on her Saturday and Monday night we learned more than we wanted to know about Mikki. It seems she is more disturbed than any of us realized. Her father and future step-mother came over for an intervention on Monday night. Barbara, our apartment manager, is giving her a month to straighten herself up or she will be evicted. I'm skeptical about the whole thing.

In the mean time, Barbara's behavior is a little disturbing at times. She's aggressive and overbearing at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm being consumed. And for some reason only known to herself, she's decided I'm her best ally. I'm not sure this is a good thing. At times she reminds me of Lois.

Last night I got to know the people who live in apartment #7 a little better. Steve actually sat down outside with me and talked for about an hour. His girlfriend Ann isn't as social. I told him about my brother because they look a lot alike. I suggested that maybe He and Ann could join my brother and I some night in a game of Trivil Pursuit. Steve is a trivia buff and actually speaks alot like my brother does. Barry may have a ready made friend awaiting him when he moves in.

The people in apartment #10 are really nice, too. Barbara wants us to host a baby shower for Shannon. I think that would be fun.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
--Step Eleven of AA and Al-Anon

"... praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out" means that we ask on a daily basis to be shown the plan for that day. We also ask our Source for the power we need to carry that through. We will get a yes to both requests.

We do not ask other people to show their will for us. We ask God. Then we trust that we'll be empowered to carry God's will through.

God never, never asks us to do anything that He would not equip us to do. He never asks us to do anything we can't do. If we are to do it, we will be empowered. That's the easy part of this program. We never have to do more than we can, or anything we can't. If we want to worry and fuss we can, but we don't need to. That is our choice.

When I don't know what to do next, God does. Working this Step, one day at a time, will take us to places we could never have traveled on our own.

Today, I will focus on asking God to show me what He wants me to do. I will ask God for the power to do that; then I will go ahead and get the job done. God, help me let go of my fears about living life one day at a time. Help me trust that when life is lived simply and in trust, a beautiful mosaic called "my life" will be woven. I am being divinely led, guided, and cared for.
From: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom, which flows through your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson


When the renowned composer Johann Sebastian Bach was praised for his music, he responded, "To God goes the glory." When a well-known writer was asked to reveal his secret, he said, "I am simply the person whom the words came through." Like many who have excelled in their field, these artists know that it is God who makes us great, that it is the spirit within that expresses its perfect purpose through us.

God wants to do great things through you, too. In your prayers and meditation, ask that Infinite Intelligence work through you for the highest good of yourself and others. Ask to be a channel for the expression of the Divine plan. Then trust that spirit will guide you each step of the way, ensuring the right outcome of every situation and providing for all your needs.

You have a purpose and a mission - something to contribute during your stay on earth. Even now spirit is beckoning you to fulfill your unique greatness. Listen and you will hear the call.
From: Listening to Your Inner Voice by Douglas Bloch


I don't know what my purpose in life is but I'm not so worried about it any more. When I was younger I worried about why I was here. Why was someone like me in the world? What could I possibly have to contribute? It worried me althrough my 20's and into my 30's. It wasn't until I came into Al-Anon and began working the steps, really working on myself, that I let go of that concern. The main thing I focus on these days is that I am here. I exist. I matter. I contribute to something every day. Maybe some of the things I have a finger in are so minute that I am unaware of how important they are in the long run. I don't know.

I've found reruns of Joan of Arcadia on the Sci Fi channel on Friday nights. Last week God showed Joan how the things she had done played a part in the bigger plan. This week it was about people pleasing. We have to learn to listen to our inner voice and decide for ourselves what is right or wrong. We can't rely on others to make those decisions for us.

That kind of carried over into my own life with all that is happening around the apartments here. There is so much drama. One twenty-one year old has been telling her business to every one here. She's openly bragged about dating a married man. Now, while I don't approve of such things as I was a wife who was cheated on, what this child does is not my business. I'd just rather she not share so much of her personal life with me. I'm not interested in anyone's sex life but my own and right now it's nonexistant. The drama around this child and how badly she's rubbed everyone here is so thick that you could cut it with a knife. I used to thrive on chaos or drama but not any more. I value my serenity too much. It's why I no longer attend meetings at the Betterway House.

Right now my energy is focused on getting my mother's house packed up and cleaned. I've not very little help in the moving and it's beginning to wear on my nerves. I don't think people realize how hard this is for me. Since my wreck, I'm minus transportation. That pretty much handicaps me. I could not go searching for boxes. I could not drive over to Mom's to clean or pack. I could not bring small loads a little at a time. I had to ask for help.

Doesn't anyone realize how hard that is for me? I'm used to being the one that others come to for help. I'm not used to being on the receiving end. And yet here I am. Since coming into Al-Anon I've been placed in situation after situation where I had to ask for help. Only I don't generally receive help from the ones I would have thought might help me. I've generally been surprised at where my help has come from.

Yesterday the Bible verse, "My help cometh from the hills" popped in my mind. I had to go in search of it in my Bible. What I found was Psalm 121. My version, the one my inner voice told me was a paraphrase of what the verse actually said but the emphasis was the same none the less. God will provide the help I need. My life verse, Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and the door shall be opened." could apply here just as easily. I will keep reaching out for help and asking. I have to have a little faith that God will take care of it because people keep letting me down.

Be calm within your soul...
Even the restless waves,
which break upon the shore,
find their way, from time to time,
into peaceful, tranquil harbors.

This is what my perpetual calendar says today. It seems appropriate, too. I'm frustrated. I'm a week away from moving my brother into his new apartment and I haven't got any boxes to pack him up. I've been waiting on others to have time to take me from store to store to get them. This is for the birds. Thankfully I had bought some big Rubbermade totes for him. He's packed them up pretty good.

I also have no help to lift the heavy furniture and carry it down the steps at Mom's house. I'm looking for a miracle here.

I have a lot of things promised to me by a zealous neighbor but she's kind of wishy washy. I have finally decided to just give the whole thing to God. I don't know what else to do.

Last week on America's Best Dance Crew I saw the crews dance to Janet Jackson's songs. This one seemed to stand out the most.

Control

As sung by Janet Jackson

This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time I'm gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready? I am Cause it's all about control
And I've got lots of it


When I was 17, I did what people told me
Did what my father said, and let my mother mold me
But that was long ago


Chorus:
I'm in control, never gonna stop
Control, to get what I want
Control, I got to have a lot
Control, now I'm all grown up


First time I fell in love
I didn't know what hit me
So young and so naive
I thought it would be easy
But now I know I've got to take...



Repeat Chorus

That's right, I'm on my own,
I'll call my own shots, thank you

Bridge:
Got my own mind
I wanna make my own decisions
When it has to do with my life, my life
I wanna be the one in control


So let me take you by the hand
And lead you on this dance
Cause what I've got is because I took a chance
I don't wanna rule the world
Just wanna run my life
So make your life a little easier
When you get the chance just take...

Repeat Chorus

Free at last, out here on my own
Now control this
That's right, career moves
I do what's right for me
And me wants to groove
Is that ok?

Repeat Bridge

Hop to it
I'm in control (and I love it, that's right)
Control, now I've got a lot
Control, now I'm all grown up
I'm in control, I'm in control
Don't make me lose it

Well, this has been a week. Mom perceives me as the enemy. She thinks I'm keeping her prisoner.

I went to an inservice today. I'm proud of myself I walked there in about 30 minutes. My feet aren't hurting(Thank you, Dr. Jackson for my new shoes!) but my knees are killing me. It was one of the best I've attended in a long time. It all pertained to my job. Dawn sat with me and gave me a ride home afterward. I got my scores back on my portfolios. I was surprised to find that I scored proficient on all of them. It was the worst I'd ever turned in. I had to take a day off to get them finished.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The reality is that changes are coming . . .They must come. You must share in bringing them.
--John Hersey

Change. It's scary. It's hard. It's needed. Sometimes it feels good; other times it feels bad. But one thing is for sure: it keeps on happening.

Just when our life seems settled, it changes. We can't stop life. We can't stay this age forever. The world changes. Life moves on. There are always new things to do and learn.

Change means we're always beginners in some ways. We need to ask for wisdom and courage. We get it by listening, by praying, by meditating. When we ask, our Higher Power will teach us to be part of good changes.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, help me believe that Your plans call for good changes.

Action for the Day

Today I'll think about the changes in my life. I've lived through a lot. I'll be okay when more changes come, with God's help. I can keep on growing.
From: Keep It Simple by Anonymous



Change is the name of the game these days. Mom and Barry are about to go through some tremendous changes. Hopefully Barry is better adjusted with it because Mom is off the charts with venom. This makes my third go around with dealing with her mania in my life time. It's no more pleasant now than it was 30 years ago. And like always, I'm her main target.

Changes are coming for me, too. Now that I'm without transportation again I'll need to find other ways to get from place to place. Hey, I may actually save money since I won't be buying gas. There will be changes in the classroom this year, too. I have no idea how others will take the changes but I will continue to move forward.

Mom was released from the hospital yesterday. I'm beginning to think she was released prematurely. There is still a lot of mania going on. Her topic of conversation is off the charts at times. And once again, I'm painted as the bad guy because I'm her power of attorney for medical decisions. What she doesn't know is that I've fought to keep her out of a group home for mentally retarded and the nursing home. All I hear is, "I don't want to be here. Why won't you let me go home?" It's not that I won't let her go home. It's that I'm afraid she'll fall down that flight of stairs on the front porch and break something.

I was thinking about all that has happened in the last year. A thought hit me and suddenly I was thinking about the title of a Broadway play that I've never seen-"Something Happened On the Way to the Forum". I went to look it up and found a song that reminded me of another one that I sometimes think about called "They're Coming to Take Me Away."

I'm Calm

[HYSTERIUM]
I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I'm perfectly calm,
I'm utterly under control.
I haven't a worry:
Where others would hurry I stroll.
I'm calm,
I'm cool,
A gibbering fool
Is something I never become.
When thunder is rumbling
And others are crumbling,
I hum.
Hm--hmmm--hmmmmm!!!!!
HMMMMM!!!!
H-M-M-M!!!!

I must think calm comforting things,
Butterfly wings,
Emerald rings,
Or a murmuring brook,
Murmuring, murmuring, murmuring...look,
I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I haven't a qualm,
I'm utterly under control.
Let nothing confuse me
Or faze me-- [yawn] --
Excuse me.
I'm calm.
Oh so calm.
Oh so--

[PSEUDOLUS (offstage):]
Hysterium!

[HYSTERIUM]
I'm calm,
I'm calm,
I'm perfectly calm,
Indifferent to tensions and shocks.
Unruffled and ready,
My nerves are as steady
As rocks.
I'm calm, controlled,
So cool that I'm cold,
Aloofer than any giraffe.
When something's the matter,
Where others would shatter
I laugh. [Laughs hysterically]
I must breathe deep, ever so deep,
Think about sheep
Going to sleep,
Stop and count up to ten, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...when
You need aplomb
And want to be calm
'Cause life is a horrible dream,
Just count up to ten
Very slowly, and then--

[PSEUDOLUS (offstage):]
Hysterium!

[HYSTERIUM]
[screams]

I was just been sitting here reflecting on life's lessons.

A year ago I prayed for a support system and now I have one. It's my new neighbors. They're an odd lot but they are honest and trustworthy as far as I can see.

I've also learned how much of my business is worth telling and how much I should keep to myself. No one really wants to know it any way and those that do are only interested in watching someone else's pain. They're drama driven.

Nothing's changed at the Betterway House. They drama is still there. Learned on Thursday that William and Elaine are back together. I knew that their separation wouldn't last long. He's got her hook, line and sinker. Tried telling Mac that when he came down on me about her last summer. It's a sickness. I'm blessed to have cut the ties that bound Joey and me.

Not sure why some friendships have held true while others have bit the dust. It really doesn't make sense. But somehow I think things have turned out as they were supposed to. I have very few regrets. My definition of friendship has changed tremendously. I used to think I had to earn it. Now I know that love is freely given.

Mom will be released from the hospital on Monday. It'll be 2-3 weeks before she gets moved to assistive living.

Barry will be moving into his new apartment the first weekend in August. I'm trying to get people lined up to help us.

I'm a little overwhelmed. If they should have to move out on the same day I'll have to have two sets of people doing the moving. But you know it occurs to me that God has been doing something for me that I could not do for myself. He took my truck out of the picture so that I'd have to ask for help in moving my brother and mother.
I don't think any of this would have occurred to me if I had not found a rerun of one of my favorite programs. Joan of Arcadia is on the Sci-Fi channel Friday nights at 7 p.m. Long live Joan!

This evening I feel blessed.

My brother has a new payee! Hurray! She gave the green light for Barry to move. I gave her my land lord's information. We'll be moving Barry at the end of this month.

Mom's situation is still up in the air. Not sure when it will be resolved. Things take time. Best to be patient.

Truck is totalled. I'm in no hurry to fix it. I'm within walking distance of most things. My leg has healed. Maybe it has healed enough to ride my bike. We'll try that this weekend.

Called Ruby for a ride to the hospital to see Mom. Learned a lot of things about the old crew at the Betterway House. Nothing ever changes. These people thrive on drama. They're too much into everyone else's business. I'm better off not attending meetings there. But without my truck I won't be making it to any more meetings in Lawrenceburg. Bummer.

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The friend said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life' , so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26)

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

The Plot Thickens


Well, I went to an Al-Anon meeting Sunday night in Lawrenceburg. The Paradox was there for the AA meeting but he was also going to be his mother's ride home. He's been a little out of synch lately he said. I think he'll get back on track.

I really don't worry about my friend. But he said something that reminded me of a comedian and a song. When he asked if my truck was running okay I told him that the tire was fixed but that I'd have to put it in the shop this week to have the brakes looked at. His response was, "It's always something." That rang a bell with me. I couldn't figure out where I'd heard that before- I mean, it was a famous saying by someone but I couldn't remember whom. Then I thought of a song that came out while we were both in high school- "If It Ain't One Thing It's Another". I don't remember who sang it-all I can remember is the chorus and this one line about an ugly woman named Sadie. I've attempted to look up the lyrics only to find several people have recorded a song by the same title.

I did finally remember who said, "It's always something." It was one of Gilda Radnor's characters on Saturday Night Live.

I guess I should have seen his statement as a sign of things to come. I wrecked my truck yesterday. It happened so fast that I really can't tell you what happened except that my brakes failed completely. I nearly rolled over an embankment but my guardian angel was with me and by the grace of God I landed unharmed on the side of the road. The truck is totalled.

I filed a claim with my insurance only to find that I no longer had insurance. Go figure. I paid out $320 for yesterday's towing, last night's storage and today's towing. It is now sitting like a wounded puppy in front of my apartment.

More red tape for Mom and Barry. Barry's comes in the form of his payee. Mom's comes in the form of the new program guidelines for Medicaide. Oh, well. It will work itself out.

Then a lawyer's office called here. Barry answered the telephone as he was here but they didn't say anything. I'm praying that it was a wrong number. But if it wasn't, I've turned all problems over to God so that I can maintain my serenity. For now I'm resting. I've got new bruises, a knot on my head and the same pinched nerve. Sitting, standing, walking and lying down hurts. But, hey, I'm still alive and that means more to me than anything else. Pain I can deal with.

This morning the Hazelden reading spoke about "The Golden Key" by Emmet Fox. Not being familiar with that I looked it up on-line. It's basically the same idea as Let Go and Let God. It was a good reminder.

Yesterday when I went to visit Mom she kept saying the same phrase over and over, "Let it be." Now, for my mother that is a very odd statement. She has always been the classic worry wart. She would always tell me to pray about a problem that I had but she seldom practiced that herself. I'm not sure if it is her new medication or a newly found serenity but Mom seems to be worry free except for sleeplessness and a periodic headache. I told my brother yesterday that Mom's song of the day seemed to be the Beatles "Let It Be." He laughed.

My perpetual calendar's thought for today is:

In the midst of fear and doubt,
act courageously, and you
will be courageous.

I think having faith, stepping out in faith, is courageous. Letting go of worry is courageous. Giving God a problem and leaving it with Him is courageous. That's why I'm not going to worry so much about today's luncheon with Aunt Nelle and my brother. I think Barry is going to grasp the idea of moving into his own apartment without any real problems.

A line from an old John Wayne movie keeps going through my mind. I think it's from "Rio Bravo". I'm not sure if that's the name of the movie. I know that it stars John Wayne, Dean Martin, Walter Brenner, Ricky Nelson and Angie Dickinson. At any rate there's this scene where John Wayne tells the hotel manager that he holds him responsible for putting Angie Dickinson's character on the stage coach. The hotel manager says, "Responsible? Me? Yes, I am responsible." Later we learn that his wife misunderstands just what her husband is responsible for.

The last two weeks I've been hearing, "What are you going to do?", "Are you going to step up and take responsibility?" , "We can only advise you. The final decision is yours." So I am thinking "Responsible? Me? Yes, I am responsible."

The only thing is that I'm not sure what the right decision is for Mom and Barry. But I've been in prayer and I've asked others to pray. I've moved forward with Mom going into assistive living. This means that the house will be seized by the state. Barry will have to have some place to live. I would take him in with me but I think it is high time for Barry to have a little responsibility. He does not qualify for services from DMR. His IQ is higher than it should be for their services. I don't know what options my brother has left. I feel like I've explore the best ones for him. He either takes what is offered of falls through the cracks. Aunt Nelle and I are going to break the news to him over lunch Sunday after church. I've been dropping information a little at a time to him but I went ahead and told Mom everything yesterday during visitation.

At times I feel guilty about this family situation. How come I had to be born more "normal" than my brother? Why was it decided that I could manage this cross? It doesn't seem quite fair to either of us. I want to give my brother a little more freedom and independence to allow him to soar. Mom sheltered him too much. Barry's got a lot of potential. I would like to give him the opportunity to go, and be and do. He deserves that.

I'm taking my brother to breakfast this morning. I'm going to try to lay the ground work needed to separate him from Mom. His first question to me last night when I telephoned him was, "Is Mom coming home?"

Physically, Mom can't handle the stairs to the house any more. She'd eventually fall and break another bone. She also can't manage the maintenance of the house any longer. Truth be told she hasn't been able to manage it in years. Mentally, she's still in a maniac episode. She could hurt herself.

My biggest concern is that they each will harbor a huge resentment against me for this. But separating them is in their best interest. Barry needs the freedom to take care of himself and the responsibility to handle his own stuff as much as possible. He qualifies for a personal assistant. If I can get him into an apartment in my building I'd be on hand to assist him.

Mom needs to be able to relax, knowing that Barry is being taken care of, and let others do for her. It's high time.

To God Be the Glory

To God be the glory, great things he hath done!
So loved he the world that he gave us his Son,
who yielded his life an atonement for sin,
and opened the life gate that all may go in.

(refrain)
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the earth hear his voice!
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the people rejoice!
Oh come to the Father thru Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory, great things he hath done!

O perfect redemption, the purchase of blood,
to every believer the promise of God;
the vilest offender who truly believes,
that moment from Jesus a pardon receives.

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the earth hear his voice!
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the people rejoice!
Oh come to the Father thru Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory, great things he hath done!

Great things he hath taught us, great things he hath done,
and great our rejoicing thru Jesus the Son;
but purer, and higher, and greater will be
our wonder, our transport, when Jesus we see.

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the earth hear his voice!
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the people rejoice!
Oh come to the Father thru Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory, great things he hath done!

***********************************************************************************

Discernment. It's one of the gifts that the deacon told me that I have. Maybe I do. I don't know. I just know some very weird things have been going on around here.

Micki, that wild child that moved in around here, has done some pretty bizarre things recently. She's taken up with a married man whose bi-polar wife is the psych ward. This man also happens to be an alcholic and addict. Not my business. But when she brings it to me and asks my opinion- well, I gave it to her. In retaliation she put dog poop in my mail box but tried to pretend she didn't. I wasn't the only one she marked. She got all of us who gave her our opinion. Hey, if she didn't want it she should have kept quiet.

Mom's at Life Spring- the senior care unit of Hillside hospital. While it's not a psych ward it's pretty close to it. I'm not sure how this stay is different from the ones she had before except that I know that both she and Barry are reacting differently. The psychiatrist is looking a a maniac episode with psychosis. He's trying to determine whether it's cognitive or dementia. I'm leaning toward dementia. I've had a couple of rounds with case workers and family members. I have power of attorney over Mom's medical stuff so the decision of where she goes falls to me. I'm not sure I am objective enough to make this decision. But I'm shooting for assistive living.

That leaves the question of what will become of Barry. He qualifies for assistance from the Department of Mental Retardation. I put that in motion today. I don't have power of attorney over him and that will cause some problems. But I want to do right by my brother. He deserves a fair shake. I'm trying to get an independent situation set up for him. I've talked to the case worker from DMR and I've put into motion all the paperwork she needs to hurry something through for Barry. I'll be going to see Section 8 housing tomorrow. There are two apartments where I live that are empty. I've talked to my land lord and he's willing to take Barry on as a tennant as long as he doesn't destroy anything or cause trouble. I think it would work. I'd be close by and could help him when needed. It would also provide him access to Mom. They are joined at the hip and to separate them is going to be hard but if we wait it will be harder. I've got my prayer warriors working on it.

I don't want to be Controlzilla but I feel like I need to do something for my family. I think now is the time to act.

I just finished reading "The Visitation" by Frank Peretti. Wow! If you read it you'll understand the reason for the song lyrics.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Angels Are Everywhere

I never believed in angels. Now I do. I think of angels as people who do nice things for us without expecting much in return. They give for the love of giving. They seek out opportunities to help, even when it seems inconvenient. They don't always look like we expect them to look or smell like we think they should. Their beliefs aren't always aligned with ours. But when we need them, they are there.

One of the first times I really understood their concept was when I drove to New York from Las Vegas in 1982. There I was, thrust into a big world I had never known except in geography schoolbooks. I was terrified but willing to make the drive. This cross-country trip was to become a metaphor for the bigger journey in my life.

Angels were everywhere. I met them in gas stations and rest stops, on the highway, in hotels, at restaurants, and at every meeting place I stopped along the way. From Flagstaff, Arizona, to Albuquerque, New Mexico, from Joplin, Missouri, to Chicago, Illinois and then on to New York. Their support was unfailing. Because of them, I got from one city to another. Because of them, I completed my journey. My job was simply to show up; they did the rest.

When was the last time you recognized an angel? Perhaps they let your car pass into the next lane with out giving you a dirty look. Perhaps they offered to assist you when you were overloaded with bags. Perhaps they gave you their seat on the subway or the bus. Maybe they gave you a gift they knew you'd like. Perhaps they loaned you some money, bought clothes or toys for your kids when you couldn't, or just lent a helping hand in whatever way they could. Or maybe it was a friend who just stopped in the middle of a busy workday to take your call or meet with you for coffee or lunch. An angel can be someone you know or someone you meet in passing. Angels enhance your life, if even for a moment.

You're invited to recognize and acknowledge the angels in your life, people who have contributed to your life in big and small ways.
From: 52 Weeks of Esteemable Acts by Francine Ward

It's been an eventful few days.

Linda, Barry and I partook of the fireworks and entertainment that they had at the Rec Center on Thursday. Friday we celebrated the Fourth with good eats and a visit to see Mom. I met with the social worker. We're looking at assistive living for Mom and possibly an apartment situation for Barry. I haven't told either of them yet. It would be a fight on my hands if I mentioned anything before seeing what is out there.

I'm so scared of making a wrong decision.

Toy Soldiers

As sung by Martika

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left,
We all fall down like toy soldiers.

It wasn't my intention to mislead you,
It never chould have been this way. What can I say?
It's true, I did extend the invitation,
I never knew how long you'd stay.

When you hear temptation call,
It's your heart that takes, takes a fall.
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left,
We all fall down like toy soldiers.
Bit by bit torn apart, we never win,
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers.

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning,
My head is spinning constantly. How can it be
How could I be so blind to this addiction
If I don't stop the next one's gonna be me.

Only emptiness remains, it replaces all, all the pain.
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left,
We all fall down like toy soldiers.
Bit by bit torn apart, we never win,
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers.

Only emptiness remains, it replaces all, all the pain.
Won't you come out and Play with me?

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left,
We all fall down like toy soldiers.
Bit by bit torn apart, we never win,
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers.

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left,
We all fall down like toy soldiers.
Bit by bit torn apart, we never win,
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers.

I finally have some news from the tests that were run on Mom. Elevated blood sugar, calcium and Lithium levels. Lithium level was almost in the critical range. The doctor has taken her completely off of Lithium, Haladol, and Congentin. She's on two new medications. When asked when she might go home I was told that that depended on her response to treatment. They were concerned about her isolating herself.

In the meantime, Barry is thriving. He went back home today for a few days. I think he was a little tired of me. I had drug him out of bed and gone shopping the last few days. He needed new clothes. Caseworkers had not taken care of that.