This is the song that came to mind during the Al-Anon meeting tonight. We read in the new book, Discovering Choices. There was a paragraph about breathing in and out and the song just came to me. I love the chorus. It really sounds like a 12 Step program.


Breathe In, Breathe Out

As sung by Chris Cagle

Lately I've been runnin'
Into our old friends
And somewhere in the small talk
Someone always asks where you've been
So I tell them what you told me
And they can't believe we're through
They ask me what I'm doin' now
And in case you're wonderin' too

I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then
I breathe in and breathe out

I've got every reason
To find someone new
Cause you swore up and down to me
That I've seen the last of you
But the way that you loved me
Girl, left me hopin' and holdin' on
So until this world stops turning round
And my heart believes you're gone

I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then
I breathe in and breathe out

We were meant to be
Girl, there's no doubt
And if it takes the rest of my life
For you to figure it out

We didn't sleep well last night. I was worried about Alley and Mom thought someone was trying to break in. It was a rough night.

Alley is missing. The last time one of my cats came up missing my ex was in the picture. I always suspected that he took my cat. He left his cat, Cocoa, and took my cat, Silver. I hate to think that's he's figured out where I am and again has left Cocoa and taken my cat. I don't know what else to think. I can't find her. It's like losing a child I think. I don't know what else to do but pray.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

As sung by Bonnie Tyler

(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming around
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turnaround bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turnaround bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little
bit restless and i dream of something wild
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless and im lying like a child in your arms
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I have to get out and cry
(turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
(repeat 2x)

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
Total eclipse of the heart
Total eclipse of the heart
Total eclipse of the heart


Wow! I heard this song on the radio today and so many memories came rushing back. Just now I was watching TV and it popped into my head again. For some reason this time I'm thinking of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, both of whom died today. Their memories will cast a shadow on us all for one reason or another.

For Those About to Rock

As sung by AC/DC

Oh Yeah, yeah
We're roll tonight
To the guitar bite
Yeah, yeah, oh

Stand up and be counted
For what you are about to receive
We are the dealers
We'll give you everything you need
Hail hail to the good times
'Cause rock has got the right of way
We ain't no legend, ain't no cause
We're just livin' for today

For those about to rock, we salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you

We rock at dawn on the front line
Like a bolt right out of the blue
The sky's alight with the guitar bite
Heads will roll and rock tonight

For those about to rock, we salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you
Yes we do
For those about to rock, we salute you
Oooh, salute!
Oooh, ooooh yeah

We're just a battery for hire with a guitar fire
Ready and aimed at you
Pick up your balls and load up your cannon
For a twenty-one gun salute

For those about to rock - fire
We salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you
Those about to rock - fire
We salute you
Fire
We salute you
We salute you

Come on, whooa
For those about to rock, we salute you (x4)
Shoot, shoot (x2)
For those who give
For those who take
For those left high
And those on the make
We salute you
Yeah
(Ain't gonna get tired, won't take a break, we salute you.)
We salute you (x3)
Fire



I'm not sure why this song popped into my small brain tonight. But when I look at the lyrics I see so much about the generation I come from. We were the "Me" generation. It was all about the good times and what was in it for "me". But you know what? I think that's true of every teenage generation. Teenagers are egocentric. I think this song is an anthem to teenagers. Now why it popped into the mind of a 44 year old, I have no idea.

I've been on a quest within my own mind these last two weeks. I've been going on interviews, turning in applications and mailing out resumes. It's about what I want to be when I grow up or, better put, what I will do with the rest of my life.

It's also about wanting to define who I am, to hone in on what that means. I've thought about changing back to my maiden name rather than going by my married name but I don't have the money for that right now.

I've thought about friendships and whether I have any or not. It's ironic that friendships have sprouted up in the most peculiar places. I still think about past friendships but I don't necessarily miss them any more. Even Melanie commented on that. I think the whole friendship/ love thing boils down to acceptance anyway. It's about me accepting people as they are and being accepted in return. When that comes along, it's rare and invaluable. I think it's about loving people unconditionally, not expecting anything from them, and vice versa. Now that is even more rare.

I've looked at my own sanity or insanity. And I've come to a conclusion. It's all a matter of perception. I don't question myself so much any more. I do still have days when I think the events going on around me are unreal, not reality. That's when I turn to my Higher Power or program people for help. Sometimes my perception isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I've also decided that when the going gets rough, I'm going to stay on my own little island in the "serenity zone." My peace of mind is more important to me than anything else right now.

There are still things that I want for myself- a loving permanent relationship, financial security, a place to call my own, and a purpose- and I strive toward them inch by inc. The trouble is that sometimes those inches seem more like light years when I view them from a distance. They seem unattainable. So, I just pray for God to light my path. It's all I know to do. I have to put my faith in a Higher Power because man is fallible.

I Gotta Be Me

As sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me

You know what they say about the grass being greener on the other side? Don't believe it! It's not greener. It's just another shade of green.

I've spent several days with the little family of three that has adopted me. Each of them has some form of mental retardation. Each of them has a different talent or gift. Separately they are very easy to tolerate. Together- well, let's just say, "three's a crowd." They try to talk over each other. They vie for the attention of the person they are with. Each talking at the same time or they finish the sentence of the other. It's chaos and insanity. I used to live in that. But Barry was more of a loner and went to his room when it got to be too much. Mom also preferred serenity of a sort. So, I'm beginning to see that my family wasn't so bad after all. We were an insane bunch, a nutty bunch, but we were okay.

Philip and Charlotte helped me get all the things that needed to be donated into the truck. We went to Safe Haven first here in town but it wasn't open. So we took a nice drive over to Lawrenceburg. They had wanted to see Mom anyway. Their son, Jimmy talked about going to see Mom all the way there, saying the same thing over and over. (It's like talking to Barry when he was younger.) When we got to Lawrenceburg we went to the Good Will store first to drop off the boxes because it was threatening to rain. Then we went to see Mom. I had them stand in front of me when we knocked on her door and I told them to yell, "Surprise!" She was tickled to to see them. Charlotte remarked more than once about how much better Mom looks these days. They're wanting her to come by and see them while she's visiting next week, too.

I think I've finally been adopted. Isn't funny that I got adopted by the same insanity that my family has? Go figure.

I was sitting here looking out the window as I played solataire on my computer and a song came to me. Apparently it is one that used to be sang on some of the old church programs we used to watch.

Something Good is Going to Happen to You

Something good's gonna happen to you
Yes, it is, honey
Something good's gonna happen to you
Well, all right now

I lost all faith in man
But you took by my hand
Said that I looked just for you
We're gonna prove that
You're really true now

Something (something)
Good's gonna happen to you
Yes, it is now
Something (something)
Good's gonna happen to you
Well, all right

I didn't give in fast
That kind of love never lasts
Then at night, you had no rest
Makes me know that you
Passed the test now

Something (something)
Oh, good's gonna happen to you

Oh, oh, oh, yeah
I'm gonna love you right
Morning, noon and night
Love you when you call
'Cause you deserve it all

Oh, that's why
Something (something)
Oh, good's gonna happen to you
Yes, it is
Something (something)
Good's gonna happen to you
I'm gonna make it

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, ooh
Something good's gonna happen to you
Something good's gonna happen to you

I'm gonna make it happen
I got to make it happen
So sweet, you're so nice
So good, that's why

Speak the truth. Feel your feelings. I don't know why people tell you that in the recovery rooms. No one wants to hear my particular truth or hear about my feelings.

What is truth anyway? It's relative. My truth isn't the same as anyone else's. Does it make them wrong and me right? No.

And why should I feel my feelings? I respond or react to something said or done only to learn that the other person has denied saying or doing it. I'm left looking foolish or insane. Wouldn't it be better to coast along in a medicated haze and pretend that everyone else isn't here?

And yet- that wouldn't be living.

So here's my truth. I'm living in faith. I'm praying for an all out miracle. I need a job because if I don't have one by the end of July, I'll be homeless. I have two more paychecks from my teaching job and then there's nothing. I can't get my brother to accept his situation. He wants to hang onto me for dear life like a drowning man who takes down another. It's disheartening.

Feelings? I've run the gamut. I've tried to steer clear of people who illicit strong feelings one way or another. I've been focusing on myself and what is in front of me. Today I tackled the spare bedroom and got every tote to fit into the closets. I've got 8 boxes of books and toys to take to Safe Haven or Good Will tomorrow with Philip's help. Now I just need to get Barry's stuff out of here.

I think I'm going to hang out in my PJ's all day. Not feeling well. Hate to miss mass but I feel kind of unworthy this morning of that unconditional love. Did something that I need absolution for but I don't want to talk to Father Jose. Can't relate to him.

I'm also not going to go into Lawrenceburg today. I've got limited gas. Interview in Fayetteville is very important. Got to get to it. If I have gas for a visit to Lawrenceburg, I'll see Mom tomorrow after the interview.

Back hurts. I'm kind of laying around.

The Funky Judge

As sung by Bull and the Matadors

I didn't do it
I didn't do it, officer
I didn't do it, his honor
I didn't do it

Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky

Now, listen
I didn't do it, your honor
I didn't do it, judge

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be funky)
Judge, you sure is funky

Judge, judge, judge
Judge, judge, oww

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be a funky judge)
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky

Now, listen
I didn't do it, your honor
What she told you was a lie
I call on my mother, woo
She'll give you a alibi

I didn't do it, your honor
She told you a lie
And now you're gonna
Send me away and
I wanna know why

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be a funky judge)
Judge, you sure is funky
(Good God almighty)
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky

Now listen
I didn't do it, your honor
I didn't do it, judge

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be a funky judge)
Judge, you sure is funky

Judge, judge, judge
Judge, judge, oww
Judge

(Where you from, boy)
I'm from Alabama, your honor
(Seventeen years) what
I didn't do it


When I was about 9 or 10 years old my mother bought me a record player. Seems like a million years ago. They don't even make record players or albums any more. One of the first 45's she got me was The Funky Judge. I couldn't remember who sang it or even the name of it until it came to me a little while ago. For some reason the memory of this song and my record player came rushing back to me as I sat thinking about the movie "Fame" which has been playing on BET all weekend. Any way, I loved this song because there were these bass parts mixed in with the high tenor that could easily have been done without musical instruments.

Fame, the movie, brings back lots of memories for me. I am Doris. There is no doubt in my mind. But I'm also very easily Coco. I'm ordinary but I don't fit in. I'm attracted to the Ralph Garcy's of the world and I befriend the Montgomery's. I think I attract a lot of the Bruno's. Unless you've seen the movie, you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Alley, my ever neurotic cat, antidepressants
B- Beau, Bicentennial trading cards, Becky, Bruno
C- Charlotte, clean clothes, Cocoa
D- Dr. Haney, Doris
E- Elyce, Ellen, eyeglasses
F- Faith, Fame
G- God, George
H- hope, humor, home, hot cakes
I- internet
J- Jimmy
K- kindness
L- Linda, lemon pepper chicken, library
M- Montomery, Mom, memories, microfilm readers
N- notes
O- orchids, okra, oatmeal, ordinary
P- Philip
Q- quiet
R- Ralph Garcy, research
S- serenity
T- talent, Tiger
U- understanding, underwear
V- Vicki
W- wisdom to know the difference
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Your Daily E-Quiet Moment
Friday, June 5, 2009
From: "eqm@catholicdigest.com"

Memorial of St. Boniface
Keep your heart in peace and let nothing trouble you, not even your faults. You must humble yourself and amend them peacefully, without being discouraged or cast down, for God’s dwelling is in peace.

ST. MARGARET MARY ALACOQUE

Well after all the tests on Monday- they took 7 vials of my blood- it seems that it is one of my medications that is causing the problems. I find that kind of hard to believe but I am relieved.

It's been nice to lay around in pajamas and sleep as late as I want with no particular place to go but I really need to start looking at job prospects- I need to step up my game. I will have a paycheck coming in June 15th for time I already put in and one on July 15th. After that nothing. I've got a job interview on Monday. I'm a little worried about the reference from Mrs. Swinford. She really wasn't keen on me toward the end of school.

I discovered this morning that I did not get the position that I interviewed for last week. I knew I hadn't. It just came as such a disappointment to receive it in the mail rather than get a phone call.


The Climb

As sung by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


I heard this song as I was driving into Columbia to go to the doctor. It spoke to me. It's what I'm going through right now.

A little while ago I decided to go through the boxes in one of the closets. There seems to be a need to downsize and throw away things that aren't needed. I found the will I wrote three years ago.

A lot has changed since then. Then, I had just returned from viewing Marie McGee's (I don't know her married name) body and saw myself in her. I was suicidal. I'm not any more. A lot of the people I named in my will are no longer my friends or acquaintances. I no longer work for Maury County and I have ceased to have a 401K with Lincoln Life. I cashed it in to help pay for transportation. Mom no longer lives in her own home, she's in assisted living and Barry is now in an independent living situation. My ex is no longer in prison.

Wow! It's amazing what has changed over the last three years. The most amazing thing to me is my relationship with my Higher Power. I actually converted to Catholicism last year at Easter to become better acquainted with God.

Even though I'm not in the same place I was three years ago, I think I'm going to rewrite my will just to be on the safe side.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

For all the sadness of closure, there is a new and joyful unfolding in the process of becoming.
--Mary Casey

We must let go of people, places, memories, and move on to new experiences. The doors of the past must be closed before we can enter those that are opening to us today. However, no experience is gone forever. All of our experiences are threaded together, each one contributing to the events that claim our attention now.

Recovery has offered us a chance to be aware of our process of becoming. With each day, each experience, each new understanding, we are advancing along the path of personal growth. Let us remember that each of us has a particular path, like no other. Thus, our experiences are ours alone. We need not envy what comes to someone else.

Life is unfolding for us. The pain of the present may be necessary for the pleasure of tomorrow. We can accept the unfolding. Our inner selves have a goal; experiences of the past must be left in the past; experiences at hand will lead us to our destination today.

I am moving and changing and growing, at the right pace. The process can be trusted. What is right for me will come to me. I will let the joy of becoming warm me.

You are reading from the book: Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey

Each Day a New Beginning by Karen Casey. Copyright 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of Hazelden.

Don't Stop

As sung by Fleetwood Mac

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,
Don't you look back.