I used to be a big fan of the teenage soap opera Dawson Creek that came on WB. It's in syndication now and I hardly ever get to see it any more. I own the DVDs for season 1, 4 and the final episode.

What's amazing to me is that while I am 42 years old I can put in one of the episodes and find some way to relate the events to myself. I totally understand Pacey's feelings toward his family. I am the black sheep. I can also identify with Joey, so insecure about her feelings-the crush she has that won't seem to go away, but not quite understanding where it comes from either. Her need for perfection just so that she can be given a break is also something I comprehend. And Dawson, oh, my goodness, could he be more analytical. He analyzes things in order to understand but it's more than that; it gives him control. Analyzing things is one of my chief character defects. Then there's Jen. Bless her heart. She's the perpetual newcomer, never quite feeling like she fits in. That's me, too. And then along comes Jack in the later episodes. Jack struggled with his sexuality until he had to admit he was gay. While I don't think I'm gay I do struggle with that part of myselfhood (is that a word?). So, yeah, I totally identify with the teenage characters of Dawson Creek.

Since I haven't had cable for some time, I've resorted to watching a lot of my videos and DVDs. The last few nights I've watched episodes from the first season of Dawson Creek. I had always loved that song that Katie Holmes sang in the beauty pageant. On My Own is one of the prettiest songs from Les Miserables. Then I heard one that was associated with Pacey and sort of told of the same feelings from a teenage boy's perspective- (I Wanna Be Your) Underwear.

I went searching for the lyics for both of them. I can totally identify with the song from Les Miserables. It's about living in a fantasy world or it could also be about missing someone that is gone. The other one, well, I've only felt that way a few times in my life. It's about obsession but it's a fantasy, too. It reminds me of that one line from Ronnie Milsap's song There's No Getting Over Me- "I'll be the book that you just can't put down..." A few times in my life I've been so into someone that I just couldn't get enough of their presence. I don't have to actually be with them in the sexual sense. Just being in their presence is enough for me. I'm just absorbing their aura, I guess, for lack of a better explanation.

When I look back on my very sick relationships, I'd have to say the Les Miserable song is about my ex-husband and me. While he was in prison I lived a fantasy life about how nothing was wrong. I fantasized about him being with me when he was actually behind bars in Tiptonville. It was impossible to live that way when he finally came home. Reality was too up close and personal. We should never have gotten married. It was clear that he did not want to be with me, that I was just someone he used to obtain the drugs and to finance a certain lifestyle. That hurt more than I can ever describe.

On My Own

From Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again,
nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a hope, without a friend,
without a face to say "hello" to.
And now the night is near,
now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
and I can live inside my head.

On my own
pretending he's beside me
All alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
that I'm talking to myself and not to him
and although I know that he is blind
still I say there's a way for us

I love him
but when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river.
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own ...


As to the Bryan Adams song, the closest I ever got to that fantasy was while I was in college. His name was Muhammad Itmaiza. I thought he was absolutely hot! You know the really sad thing about that is that I could have made that fantasy a reality but fear stopped me. I was so afraid that I'd end up like Samantha when she finally connected with Hikmat (John). I have experienced something close to that feeling in recent months but it, too was a fantasy.

(I Wanna Be Your) Underwear

As sung by Bryan Adams

I wanna be your t-shirt when it's wet;
wanna be the shower when you sweat;
I gotta to be the tattoo on your skin;
ya lemme be your bed baby - when you climb in...
I wanna be the sheets when you sleep;
lemme be the secrets that you keep;
I gotta to be the spoon - ta stir your cream;
I wanna to be the one that really makes you scream...

I wanna be - your lipstick - when ya lick it;
I wanna be - your high heels - when ya kick it;
I wanna be - your sweet love babe - ya when you make it;
From your feet up to your hair - more than anything I swear
I wanna be - your underwear

I wanna be the itch that you scratch;
wanna be the chair when you relax;
I got to be your razor when you shave;
wanna be the one that makes ya misbehave...

I wanna be - your hot tub - when you're dippin';
I wanna be - your bathrobe - when you're drippin';
I wanna be - your cocktail baby - when you're sippin';

I just wanna be right there - more than anything I swear
I wanna be - your underwear

Wanna be your sleepin' bag - baby slip inside;
Let me be your motorcycle - n' take ya for a ride - alright
I wanna be - your hot sauce - ya when you're cookin';
I wanna be - your sunglasses - hey good lookin';
I wanna be - wanna be the one - ya stick your hook in';

I just wanna be right there;
more than anything I swear...
Oh ya...
I wanna be - your underwear

I'm not sure why this is important for me to think about or even talk about right now, except that I sort of feel like there's someone about to enter my life soon. I have yet to meet that person at the end of my bizarre dream from a few months ago. Not to sound bad or anything but I think I deserve a little happiness. I don't want to go into anything codependent but I sure would like someone to date. It's been three years since my divorce.

For the briefest of moments today I missed my exhusband. Then I remembered in time what it was like when he was here using drugs and drinking. But just for the shortest amount of time I remembered what he was like when he was sober and I thought about what could have been. Could be I'm lonely.

I've come full circle from where I was this morning. I'm feeling kind of disconnected. My friend Kenny says that means I'm actually living life now. It means at some point I was connected and there in lies the hope. I've even found a song to identify with some of what I've been feeling today thanks to Sounds of Serenity II.

This Too Shall Pass
By Anonymous

First love, first kiss
The sweetest answer to your deepest wish
No fear, no wall
No experience to break you fall
You lose your innocence the day it ends
And swear you'll never take a chance again


Chorus:
But life turns like a wheel
Carries you on out of the pain you feel
In time hope will be found
Come back around
Your broken heart will heal
Never fear the dark clouds on the shadows that they cast
This too shall pass


Tears fall, tears dry
They leave a little of wisdom in your eyes
So you love strong, you love deep
You risk the bitter just to taste the sweet
And when your dreams don't go the way you planned
You won't give up because you'll understand

Chorus

You can't stop your world from changin'
The only thing that stays the same is


Chorus


This too shall pass