As my life begins to improve a little I wonder if other things will begin to haunt me? I awoke about 3:00 this morning thinking about my mother and brother. The guilt that enveloped me was almost more than I could bear. I began to pray about it. The three C's popped into my head and although they eased some of the guilt, they did not relieve the pain in my heart.

I did not cause any of my mother or brother's problems. My mother is losing her eyesight, hearing, physical stamina and mental reasoning skills. I did not cause any of that. I watch as my brother gets further and further into his mental illness. While I do know that I caused some of their financial strain, I also know that that is not all my fault either. I've done the best I can in paying thme back.

I can not control their declining health. I can not control their financial situation. I did speak to different agencies in an attempt to get them the help that they need. They now have three agencies involved. The wheels turn so slowly and I have no control over that either. I'm learning patience.

I can not cure their problems. I am not the answer to them. I have no magical potion or magic wand that I can wave to make things better. Still, it pains me to see them in the condition that they are in. And it pains me that other sit in such harsh judgement of me because of it. I've been talked about very badly by people who do not know all the facts and it makes me feel pretty badly about myself.

I keep being told by various people that I need to stop dwelling on my family because I need to begin thinking about myself more. I have been in crisis. I am not completely out of the woods yet even. My situation was caused by poor judgment. I should never have married Joey. I was lonely and wanted to have what I perceived others had. I wound up in a situation that not only had no love present but was very degrading. I still have bouts of loneliness but I'm very hesitant to venture back out into dating. I no longer hear those negative statements that Joey used to make about me but I still wonder what man would want to be with the likes of me. I have nothing to offer.

Synchronicity! Just yesterday I made reference to Don Quixote, his quest for knighthood and the song from Man of La Mancha, "The Impossible Dream" and this morning I look at my perpetual calendar to find:

Yes, there is such a word as "impossible."
For example, it would be "impossible"
to tell of all the losses that have occurred
from putting this word to use.

Here I am on the edge of what seemed for me to be an impossible dream. I am beginning a school year, teaching in the county where I live. I've driven for 13 years to another county because I could not get hired in this one. God provided me with a job when I most needed one and within 6 blocks of where I live. I feel blessed.

So this morning I find myself turning to the biblical texts that speak of possibilities.

Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe, all things are possible.
Mark 9:23

He said, "The things which are impossible for men are possible for God."
Luke 18:27.

Does this mean that life will proceed without any problems? No. Problems are what create possibilities.

Wow! I can't believed how blessed I am! God is working in ways I never thought possible. I get to keep my truck. Truthfully I can't believe I still have a working telephone and internet. It should have been cut off by now. I'm so surprised that it hasn't been.

Getting to keep the truck gives me the option to walk if I want to or to drive if I don't. Walking is no longer a necessity. This frees me up even more.

I found a little obscure book of poetry called Woolgathering by Mary Lee Kimbrough Harris that had this poem:

Quest

Of all the good things that I had
As through my life I gaily trod,
Still one thing more was missing,
I had not found my Christ, my God.

Through shaded wood across the hills,
Along the sparkling, rippling rills,
I trudged- looking everywhere,
But He, my Savior, was not there.

In sunny field of daisy bloom,
In hazy gloom of twilight gloom,
I searched with all my heart and mind,
But He, my Savior, did not find.

I searched the country far and wide,
I even crossed the ocean's tide.
In old cathedrals, hallowed, dim;
I searched and searched but found not Him.

At last my search was over,
Long years after it began,
With meek, changed heart, I found Him,
My Savior, in the heart of man.


I had been going through a Pollyanna stage ever since I found the classic at the flea market where Lois works. The “glad game” has helped me find gratitude when things looked very bleak. I opened up Marianne Williamson's book, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, and there she is on page 97.

"A prime example of a miracle worker is Pollyanna. The ego knows this, which is why she is constantly invalidated in this culture. She walked into a situation where everyone had been in a nasty mood for years. She chose not to see the nastiness. She had faith in what lay beyond it. She extended her perception beyond what her physical senses revealed to her, to what her heart knew to be true about every human being. It didn't matter how anyone behaved. Pollyanna had faith in the love she knew existed behind anyone's fear, and thus she invoked their love into expression. She exercised the power of forgiveness."

I'd been back in my Don Quixote stage due to some sharing from my on-line Al-Anon group and he appeared in Carol Lynn Pearson's book, Consider the Butterfly: Transforming Our Lives through Meaningful Coincidences on page 55 and 56.

"[In the musical] Man of La Mancha [there is a] transformation of the rough and degraded Aldonza into the Lady Dulcinea because Don Quixote refused to see anything but her beauty."

From the musical, Man of La Mancha: "Take a deep breath of life and consider how it should be lived. Call nothing thine own- except thy soul. Love not what thou art, but only what thy may become...Look always forward- in last year's nest there are no birds this year. Be just to all men, be courteous to all women. Live always in the vision of that one who great deed are done- She is called Dulcinea."

I had talked of labels at various times with friends and Anthony De Mello addressed those in his essays that I found on-line but so did Carol Lynn Pearson on page 104.

"Perhaps our job is to see beneath each other's name tags, not even to see the name tags. Perhaps I need to be clear about which issues are really important and which are just irritations that are, after all, none of my business. To know when to stand up and speak out, and when to sit down and shut up. And to just enjoy the show."

I shared all of this with a friend yesterday via e-mail and his only response was that he needed to read the book, Don Quixote. He didn't seem to get the message I was trying to send him.

It's not about reading Don Quixote. Don Quixote is just a character I identify with. The only thing most people remember about him is his jousting with windmills. He was so much more than that.

Don Quixote was delusional, that's true. He was pursuing a dead dream- the dream of becoming a knight. It was an impossible dream in that knights no longer existed. But he represents more than that. In his quest he practiced the Christian values that were preached about in the early churches. He exhibited kindness, trust, patience, perseverance, etc. But his greatest accomplishment was that of unconditional love.

Don Quixote took for himself a rough, uneducated neighbor named Sancho Panza to be his squire. He saw beyond his exterior, his labels, and loved him unconditionally. Sancho Panza was elevated not only in position but in life. He began to exhibit the same qualities as his master.

When it came time for our hero to choose a lady to fight for he chose a common woman, a scullery maid and prostitute named Aldonza. Aldonza had been spat upon, mistreated, overlooked, etc. She had had a very bad life and trusted no one. Don Quixote looked beyond all of that and saw the beauty that lay beneath. He saw her as a child of God. He saw the love of God in her. He elevated her from that position because he loved her unconditionally. Because he believed her to be a lady, she became one. In turn, she began to try to exhibit the same qualities that he possessed. There are other examples of this in the story.

The same was true of Pollyanna, the character that appeared in a Disney movie. She was taught by her father to look beyond the situation and find something to be glad about. It's not shown very accurately in the movie but in the book she made it a practice to associate with every person in the community no matter what their economic status was (to the horror of her Aunt Polly), including prostitutes. She looked beyond the labels and saw the beauty within.

Both characters are good examples of how Christ operated here on earth. Did he associate with the leaders of the religious community or the very wealthy? No. He associated with the common man. He saw beyond their labels and loved them for the child of God that they were.

But it is more than that. Both characters loved as Jesus did without any expectations. They already saw the "clay feet" of their neighbors and loved them any way. Both characters treated everyone they met with the same attitude just as Jesus did. They had no double standards. Men and women were treated with the same equal courtesy. Rich and poor were treated with the same respect. No one was treated differently.

The whole point was about unconditional love. People are people, period. Where we lose our ability to love unconditionally is when we have expectations of others. In one of my Al-Anon books I read, "Expectations are premeditated resentments" and in another I read, "resentments mark the place where I see myself as a victim." What the two characters show is that it is better to love without expectations. Expectations are strings we attach.

If you've not ever read nor seen Pollyanna, Don Quixote, or Man of La Mancha you have missed a treat. In the musical Man of La Mancha, there is a song called the Impossible Dream that speaks of a quest. Do you see the synchronicity there? How much more clear can it be?

God is Love. I was made in His image and so were you. If He is love, then so are we. I'm called on to look beyond labels or name tags- mine, yours, anyone's- to see the beauty that lies beneath or as Marianne Williams puts it:

"In a holy relationship, we're interested in the picture itself. All we want by way of a frame is a light support that does just enough to keep the picture in place. We're not interested in our brother for what he can do for us. We're interested in our brother, period."

It's hard to stay in the light, to remain in a positive attitude. I get distracted by all of the minor irritations and worries. Depression really does make me ache all over. As long as I'm busy, moving forward I do pretty good. The minute I slow down to rest the worrying sets in.

I finally said my piece in an e-mail to Mac yesterday. It might not have been the right thing to do but I'm tired of the double standards. Suddenly he wants to make up but only because I said I could not stand to be in the same building with him any more. Our friendship is over. We'll never get back the same level that we once had. I'm thinking today, "Why bother?" The same thing could be said of Ann and Elaine, too.

This week's Al-Anon topic for the online group are the maintance steps- 10, 11, and 12. I look at that and I have to wonder, do I practice these steps at all? I think I do. I do a daily inventory in my head and sometimes on paper. I ask myself why is this affecting me, what can I change about my attitude or perception, I pray and meditate on it and I have tried to practice the principles of the program in all my affairs. I have tried to carry the message but right now it is limited to Rena, Elyce and Kenny. I must have some kind of program or why else would these people continue to reach out to me?

That train of thought takes me back to the lost friendships. If I'm working a program to the best of my ability then what happened there? Did they stop working a program? Or is it that they were only meant to be in my life for a short period of time?

Then I look at other aspects of my life. Did a stagnant program produce the financial crisis I've experienced this summer or was that a part of God's plan? Today I feel like Jonah. He sat in a booth with a vine growing above him to block out the sun and suddenly it was gone, withered away and the sun beat down on him. It was to motivate him to get moving to Ninevah to deliver God's message. So is the loss of my truck tomorrow a way to motivate me to get moving? Is this chaotic start to a new year my motivation to get busy? Until right this minute I had not looked at the new classroom in this light but I think maybe this is God's way of giving me a clean slate. Yes, I have to overcome the standard set by the previous teacher but I can do that. I've done it before. I've been feeling like I was at loose ends and it felt like a hopeless case but maybe I need to look at it as an empty photo albumn that I get to fill with my own pictures.

Maybe I need to look at the new beginnings in a different light too. Yes, I've lost friends but I have the opportunity to gain new ones. The new job and the opportunity to ride to and from church with church members because of my lack of transportation will enable me to make new friends. I might even form healthier friendships than those that I lost. Walking or biking (when I purchase the bike) will enable me to get healthier. I will have no choice. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Apparently unlike Marie who died in December, I'm supposed to be around for a little while longer. I have work to be done.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Awakenings, Anthony De Mello for his ensightful essays, Apartment
B- Butterflies, books
C- Christ, Carol Lynn Pearson, Cats
D- Don Quixote
E- Elyce, e-mail
F- Fans without them this apartment would be unbearable
G- God
H- Hope, health
I- Internet, Ice cubes
J- Joey
K- Kenny
L- Love, Light, Life, Linda, Library
M- Marianne Williamson for translating A Course in Miracles in a way that I could understand and apply to my life
N- Neighbors
O- Oatmeal even if it is low sugar
P- Pathway to Light for sending me the workbook lessons from A Course in Miracles, Pollyanna
Q- Quiet
R- Rena, rest
S- Serenity
T- Truck - it's been a good one
U- Understanding
V- Vision
W- Walking, water
X- Xena, may her spirit live in me today
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZ

I will be so, so, so glad when summer is over. It seems like it's been longer than usual due to my financial circumstance. But that's not the reason I want it to be over. I've had a lot of physical problems. Going from the hot of my apartment and outdoors to the air conditioned buildings has taken it's toll on my joints. My knees have especially paid for it and my feet have been swollen. It's made it difficult to build up the endurance I need to walk to my job. But I've been here before. If I can climb that huge hill between Mom's house and my old apartment, I can do this. There is no real hill between my apartment and the school.

I've got three weeks until the next paycheck. Thankfully food stamps kick in again between now and pay day. But there really are things that food stamps do not cover than no one thinks to ask me about. And I guess I'm too proud to ask.

My cup runneth over. Last night I went to bed, worrying about whether I'd have enough of my paycheck left over to cover the remaining balance of my electric bill. I shouldn't have. God was good! He gave me above what I needed. I was able to buy a few necessities like toilet paper, trash bags, plus things for my girls- cat food and cat litter. I even had enough to buy a sausage biscuit and a diet coke. I feel blessed!

I still have things that I feel are needs but apparently they are wants. I'm learning the difference.

I'll be running on fumes when I get to the car dealership on Monday to turn in my truck but at least I will have fought the good fight.

This morning I have change for laundry and a small amount of detergent. I will be able to do laundry today. Today. I need to keep saying that over and over again. Today is all I have. Tomorrow isn't here yet and yesterday's gone. God is truly teaching me to live one day at a time.

The song that goes through my head this morning seems to fit my feelings about the whole Mac situation. It's an old gospel song.

I Have Decided to Follow Jesus

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

For some reason the story of Lot sprang to mind just now. He was given the order to leave his home with his family so that he might be spared when God destroyed the city. He obeyed. His wife turned around for a brief moment and was turned into a pillar of salt. Lot went on with his two daughters.

Or how about Noah? He was scoffed at and made fun of because he continued to do God's will. His family and two of each kind of animal was saved.

Mac attempted something last night. I got a forward that I did not know how to interpret so I deleted it. I hate being in the same building with him. Last night when Lois and Susan were so slow to show up I wanted to leave. I could not leave out the side door because there was no one to lock it behind me. I could not leave out the front door because I would encounter Mac. I feel like I'm hemmed in a cage. I'd rather avoid a confrontation if at all possible. I'm living in a pressure cooker right now. I'm coming out of some of the depression but my situation is far from being okay. I'm liable to explode if my buttons are pushed. Maybe I should discontinue attending my meetings altogether. But this is the only Al-Anon meeting I'll be able to physically get to. After Monday I won't have transportation any more. This will leave me with only my on-line meeting. I'm already in a hurting position because I don't feel I have an effective spoonsor situation. I can't talk enough to feel better about what is bothering me because it is a topic she can't handle. I don't know what to do.

I keep hearing the same conversation playing over and over in my head. It was one that happened about this time last year. If someone has no interest in me why would he flirt and make an attempt at conversation about dating. I heard more than once that he had never gone out on a date. What was the rational behind that? And why am I remembering it now?

There were a lot of synchronistic (is that a word?) moments today. I saw and heard a lot of things that gave me pause to think. Sometimes I get so irritated by people who totally overlook the God moments that come their way. He speaks to us daily. He loves us so much. We really should love each other.

Mac sent an e-mail about friendship to me. It had a few things that I would consider as digs in the e-mail to me. It felt like he was slapping at me again. He may have meant it sincerely but it did not come across that way. I deleted it and chose not to respond. I miss all of those that I considered my friends but they really showed their true colors to me this summer when I really needed a hug or a kind word. Each of them turned their back on me. That hurt more than I can say. But when he told me I followed Satan that was the straw that broke the camel's back. That was totally unacceptable.

I got up this morning with a different mindset. Yesterday's experience with Lois gave me pause to think. There are things I like to do. I didn't do them before for various reasons: 1) I worked in a different county 2)had no time for them 3)got into town too late 4)had no money 5) was waiting on someone else because I needed to help 6) had no one to do them with

What's changed in that equation? I no longer work in a different county. The time I cut down on traveling from place to place now gives me more time and I'm already in town. The extra $400 that won't be going on a truck payment and the extra money from what would have been spent on gas will give me extra money. I'm no longer going to sit around waiting on people to call. I may still have no one to do things with or I may have just been shown some different people that I can do things with. I've got a mentor now- Cheryl Brown. I have at least one assistant that I can get along with- Judy. I have one Al-Anon member working close by at another school- Beth. I have one person that I graduated with working in the same school that might be willing to do something after school if it peaked his interest- Sam. George's son, Wynne, has moved back to Giles County. Maybe I could interest him in doing something with me. I'm not interested in dating either of these men. Men can be friends.

As I meet more people at church, I might find a friend to do things with there. I might also enlist some Al-Anon or AA members that I never took the time to get to know better to do some things with me. I might also meet some of these people in the neighborhood that I've seen out walking. And I can always count on Mom or Barry to be interested in doing something. I might even draft some other family members just for the hell of it. This time I will ask rather than assuming that they want to do things with me. Lois was my mirror yesterday. And if no one goes with me I can go alone. I might find others sitting by themselves that I can relate to.

What do I like to do that is within walking distance, is cheap or free? I like:

* to attend basketball games and football games
* to attend plays and dramatic interpretations
* to go to the movies
* musical concerts
* poetry readings
* art shows
* genealogy and history
* nature
* gardening
* dancing and singing
* spiritual events
* arts and crafts
* exercise classes
* swimming
* museums

Those things are available in this county thanks to the high school, college, the book store on the square, the chamber of commerce, the library, the recreation center and God. I can explore nature and history right here. They have walking tours of the Confederate markers in the Maplewood Cemetery which is only two blocks from my home. Across the street is the Sam Davis museum which I've never been in. There are tons of genealogical things I can do even out of town if I make other members of the historical society aware of them. The recreation center has all kinds of events that come through there. I just need to make myself aware of them. The bookstore on the square has poetry readings on particular nights. The college has a slew of different activities that come through as does the high school. There's a movie theater at the college now that I've never gone to. The world is opening up right before my eyes. And I may begin transforming in ways I never imagined.

I want to point out that nowhere on that list of things to do was playing pool, flea markets and karaoke in a bar. Those are things that Lois likes to do. I AM NOT LOIS! I'm grateful to her for her help in getting from place to place but I am under no obligation to do things with her for fun if I don't want to.

Today I got up with the resolve to work in my room, to set it up. I do not have any help to physically move things. I could go by the Betterway House and enlist some people possibly. I hate to do that because I'll run into Mac. I hate being at odds with people but his shit is getting on my last nerve. I also hate to ask particular men down there because they act like I'm hitting on them when I sit down to talk or ask for help. Sometimes talk is just talk and help is just help. You know sometimes a duck is really just a duck. I'm going to go digging through my crates and boxes here to pull out activities to use with this classroom. I've been putting off things because of lack of energy and the heat. But as Marian said if I wait until I know how to do something or in this case have energy or a cool environment I'll never try it or get anything done.

I've got an appointment with the therapist this morning. Maybe she can help me set a few more goals for myself. I'm also dropping off some of my laundry for my mother to do for me. I feel kind of badly about that and if a caseworker finds out I might get into some trouble. But I have no money or laundry detergent left. I can't do my laundry. No one has asked me about some basic necessities yet.

My therapist told me I needed to be more assertive. I've been afraid to press the landlord about fixing the things that are in need of repair because I will be late with rent. But today when the apartment manager was inspecting the new gutters, I asked him to come into the apartment and take a look at these things. When I got back from school there were three men fixing my air conditioner and they looked at the refrigerator. They may be a new refrigerator forth coming. The bathroom floor is supposed to be fixed soon, too.

I also called the Betterway House and asked for help in moving the heavier furniture in my new classroom. Bobby B. and Barry H. came and gave me about 15 minutes of their time. I was grateful. In the past I would have tried to move that furniture all by myself. I would not have asked for any help.

I have no idea why but this song came into my head a few minutes ago. Actually the part I heard was "Sit down, take a look at yourself..." Not sure why I need to put this in here except that for the last 3 hours I've been looking at synchronicity, mysticism and intuition.

Lonesome Loser
The Little River Band

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Oohoohooh .... oooh ....

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Unlucky in love, least that's what they say
He lost his head and he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching though there's nothing left
Staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost.

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

"It's okay", he smiles and says
Though this loneliness is driving him crazy,
He don't show what goes on in his head,
but if you watch very close you'll see it all

(Instrumental)

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Now tell me have you heard about the lonesome loser

Here's the other song that just came to mind. Actually the part I heard was about paranoia.

For What It's Worth
Buffalo Springfield

There's something happening here
And what it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I've got to beware

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down
There's battle lines are being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Are getting so much resistance from behind
Time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singin' songs and carryin' signs
Mostly say "hooray for our side"
It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
Step outta line, the man come and take you away
We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down

We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down
We better stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down
We better stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down...

Yesterday while I was at the inservice I discovered that someone I graduated with works in the cafeteria at my new school. I was never in any classes as Sam so I never really knew him at all. I always regarded him as kind of weird. His taste in music, entertainment, etc. was far different from mine.

I understand that Sam's a very nice person from those that know him. I listened to him talk about how much depression medicine he's on and his psychiatric appointments. I'm in therapy myself and half of my mother's side of the family is on anti-depressants or anti-pyschotic drugs so I can't afford to throw stones at Sam. I just thouht it rather odd that he threw that information out there on introduction. He must have just come from an appointment or felt that he was in need of one.

So many of us are going through hard times, trying to get in touch with who we are, trying to decipher what we think, believe and feel. It's no wonder the world is so disoriented.

I go to the bankruptcy lawyer today. Depending on what I learn there I may not go by and work in my classroom. There are so many things that I need to get done before school starts back and while I have a vehicle. I was just thinking about that as I got dressed this morning. I wish I could afford to go ahead and buy a bike on Friday when I get that little Impact check but it's rather doubtful that I can. I'm going to do well to cover the rest of my electric bill and pay that vet the $15 I owe for the puppy I rescued.

Aunt Nelle called last night. I really wish she'd leave me alone. I know everyone thinks I'm a horrible daughter and sister to Mom and Barry. They all think I abandoned them rather than helping them. What everyone doesn't realize is that when I was "helping" them I was killing myself. I just can't be all things to all people. I am only one person. I'm human, not superhuman. I gave up trying to have those super powers almost four years ago.

But then other things happened. It's not just my biological family that has unrealistic expectations of me. It was in all areas of my life. I don't know where everyone got the idea that I had super powers. I'm just like they are. I'm fallible. I have limitations. I make mistakes. When I don't meet expectations out come the accusations. Right now Aunt Nelle isn't the worst. She backed down a peg when she heard about my circumstances. It's people like Mac who are aware of my circumstances and still want to impose their will on me that bug the hell out of me. I try not to react, to lose my temper but it's getting harder. One day I may snap and give someone an ear full.

The Rabies Control agent tried to pick up Cocoa today. Bless her heart she was too fast for them. The old man next door warned me. He said I'd have to keep her in from now on. Sometimes my little cat sneaks out before I have a chance to catch her but I will make an effort.

I've got to get my butt in gear. I need to go through all these boxes here in the spare room and pull out everything I'm going to need in my new classroom. The exiting teacher pretty much stripped the room bare. I guess it was mostly his personal stuff. All I know is that I need to do this before next Monday when I turn my truck back into the dealership.

I've been thinking. I need a back pack now even if I can't afford the bike. It would help in carrying things to and from school. Wish I'd kept my old one. Damn, why do I have to always give things away. I know it was for a good cause. The kid needed a back pack and I had one I wasn't using. Wish I'd kept it now.

I had another job offer come through today. Richland was looking for someone to teach 7th and 8th grade resource. I'd have loved that but I would not have had transportation to get there. I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. I feel kind of out of it though. It feels like I'm walking in my sleep here. They don't do thing like they have in any of the previous counties where I've worked. Uh oh, we're not in Kansas any more, Toto.

Tomorrow I have my therapy session in the morning. After the time I spent with Lois today I'm going to need it. I just can't seem to meet anyone's expectations and she's trying to manipulate me. She thinks she's dealing with a push over. I'm not a push over. I'm getting my second wind and when I come back, I'm coming back stronger. I'm gonna rock everyone's world. I will be a force to contend with.

Well, the bankruptcy lawyer had good news and not so good news. She managed to reduce my payments down to half what they were based on my change in income. But I still have to maintain insurance of a truck that doesn't run. I'm going to start tucking away money towards something nice for myself. I think I'd like to have a spa get away like Linda did or a vacation to somewhere nice or a trip to see the Dalai Lama in October in Atlanta.

You know as grateful as I am to Lois for all of her help I really wish she'd quit trying to make me into something I'm not. I do not enjoy the same things that she does. It does not mean that I am boring or afraid to have fun. I just don't enjoy the same loud entertainment that she does. I haven't had the privalidge to drink alll of the wonderful concoctions that she has. I don't play pool. I don't ride bikes. I don't go around saying "pussy this" or "pussy that". I cuss on the rare occasion but not to the extent that she does. I don't go around trying to pick up men or telling X rated jokes in mixed company. I did that at one time and I wound up with the wrong kind of men. I'm relatively quiet. I keep to myself. I hate being the center of attention. I like to let my hair down and laugh with people I'm comfortable with. I enjoy the company of others but I don't do it to draw attention to myself. I like to be able to just enjoy the people I'm with.

I'd like to think I belong somewhere. Yeah, I know I should have such a healthy sense of self that it doesn't matter. But the truth is I've never felt like I belonged. That reminds me of a scene from the final episode of Dawson's Creek. Jen is telling her best friend Jack that she wants her daughter to be cared for when she dies. She's asked Jack to become her daughter's father when she's gone. She talks about wanting her little girl to grow up with a sense of belonging because she never quite felt like she fit in. Jack tells her that she belongs to him that she's his soul mate. You'd have to know the story line behind these two characters to appreciate what he said and why it meant so much to me.

I'd like to have a make shift family of some sort. Maybe not a lot of people living under one roof but a sense of belonging. This summer has taught me just how unimportant I am. I've felt utterly alone at times. I know I have friends and I know I'm loved but there have been times when I felt very unloved and alone. It was in those times that I turned to God. I guess that's why those times occurred. I needed to learn just have fallible human beings are. How dare we be human! Let's make a pact not to do that any more.

This morning my perpetual calendar speaks of paths.

Our path through life
is not so much from place to place
as it is from one way of looking
at things to another.


Kenny and I had just been talking about that yesterday. Yes, Kenny. I reopened the door by asking if he'd heard of Anthony De Mello. I think Kenny's right. We do come from different social circles, although when I listen to him talk about his day to day work I'm not sure I buy the multimillionaire status. But I guess anything is possible.

His take on the situation was that he was traveling on the road last traveled. That's from the poem by Robert Frost that I've often thought applied to myself. I think the whole key to that way of looking at things is that we had choices as to which path we took. I don't think that was the idea behind what Kenny had to say. I think he was saying that he was on the narrow path that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. I can agree with that idea, too.

My take on the situation, looking at my calendar reading, goes back to Pollyanna. Life gives us hard times, bitter pills to swallow, we can either become as bitter as the pills or we can find something to be glad about.

My situation is getting better or is it? Maybe it's the same and just my attitude has changed. Let's see.

Today I go to the bank to straighten out my checking account. There are things being taken out of it that will cause that little check I get from Impact to be absorbed and I won't be able to pay the rest of my electric bill. Well, following Pollyanna's advice, I should be glad that a} I have another small check coming, b} I have a checking account, c} I can go talk to someone in the bank face to face rather than dealing with an impersonal voice mail system, and d} that the electric company granted me an extension in the first place.

Tomorrow I go to Columbia to talk to the bankruptcy lawyer about case. The trustee received my letter about my financial situation and only sent a reminder of what we had agreed to back in 2004 when Joey and I appeared in court. Thankfully the lawyer followed up with a letter that he thought they could offer me some relief by reconfiguring the terms of the case. Now that is something to be glad about because if I don't the trustee will throw everything back in my lap.

Wednesday I'm back in therapy. I guess back to back appointments are a little extreme but the therapist is helping me set goals so that I can get myself back on track. That's a good thing.

Monday, July 30th, I'll return my truck to the dealership. I won't have the money to make a payment for it or the insurance. It makes me a little sad because I lose my independence. But when I look at the situation I can find something to be glad about. I am within walking distance of everywhere I need to go now that I work in the county. Who needs Wal-Mart any way?

I'm not in the best of physical health but I can still walk. I look at it this way God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. He's whipping me back into good physical health with an extreme situation. I figure when payday rolls around on Aug. 20, I'll go in search of a bike and all the things that I'll need to go with it. I might even venture out to Wal-Mart and do some price comparing to see how much money all that will cost.

I did venture out to Wally world and the difference in the cost of a bike with all the luxuries is around $129. That is a lot better than $400 a month for a truck payment and $115 for insurance each month. I'd save myself a fortune.

I received a letter from my ex today. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand it was gratifying to hear him defend me when I told him all that had happened here the last few months when I talked to him on the phone last week. He actually took ownership of his part in things. He did in the letter today, too.

On the other hand he may not have changed at all. Trust is something that isn't easily gained back once it is lost. You know what I mean?

I read somewhere that we gravitate toward the familiar and that courage is giving up the familiar. Joey is familiar to me. I can almost predict what he's going to do or say before he can. But I would not have predicted what he had to say in our phone conversation last week. So, maybe he has changed. It took a lot of courage to walk away the last time.

I don't know maybe I'm only drifting toward him because I'm lonely. If that's the case then writing to him and renewing a friendship might be the wrong thing to do. But I don't want to go through life viewing him as the enemy. I forgave him for a lot of things but I have not forgotten. I guess that sounds pretty bad, huh?

I'm grateful for Joey. There was a time I couldn't say that. I'm grateful to him because his addiction drew attention to my own sickness and I sought help. In his letter he's offering a listening ear. But if I recall that was how some of this started in the first place. And everything I had to say was used against me.

I don't know maybe it would be okay this time because my feelings for him have changed. I think I might be a little succeptible to his charms right now because I've lost those that I thought were my friends. It's amazing how people scattered when I most needed someone to lean on. But isn't that how it generally works?

You know things really aren't so bad that I need to go back into something with Joey. In fact, if I were to share with him the good things that have happened so far his reaction would be the same as Mac's. I'd be accused of worshipping Satan. Joey was extremely prejudice. I can't think that he's changed that much. But who knows?

I've been reading the Anthony De Mello essays that I downloaded to file. I see a lot of the things he talks about in me. I think that is part of the awareness. Before I would have denied that I was anything like the people he talked about. I would have negated what I read and gone on about my business. But this time I find myself looking deeper into myself and seeing some truth. Truth is relative and my truth is no different. I can see that my truth changes as I evolve. That is growth. Just as my capacity to accept and love changes as I evolve. I see that my real problem is not trusting myself enough, not trusting my own instincts. I am a pretty perceptive person but I allow others to convince me that my grasp of reality is an illusion. Now, I know that I had a tight grip on it. It was they who were operating in an illusion.

I had a lot of other things in this blog but when I went to leave it I forgot to save it and erased it. I think that means you weren't supposed to be privy to it. That's really okay. Some things I put in here are strictly for me. If you read them, it's okay. But for some reason you weren't supposed to know about the whole Mac/Elaine/William/Ann/Yo saga. To be honest it's kind of boring. I've decided that it is a smoke screen, an illusion. It's an outside issue that I really removed myself from long ago unbeknownst to the other characters.

I spoke with my friend Judy last night. Ever since my therapist and I talked about my support group I'd thought about calling her. This was someone very important in my life at one time. There wasn't a day that went by when I lived in Murfreesboro that we missed talking to each other or seeing each other. She was one of my very best friends even though her husband at the time did not like me.

I spoke with her about all that has gone on in the last 8 months or so and her reaction was much the same as Joey's- disbelief. That's what happens when I talk to people who've known me for long periods of time. Their knowledge of who I was, how far I've come, makes a difference to me now. Judy's knowledge of my sexual hang ups in relationships is vast. We talked about it from time to time especially when Troy was in the picture. When I told her I'd finally made it to therapy her response was, "Good. You've needed that for a long time."

The thing that most people are not aware of is how backwards I really am. While others around me were into self-exploration of their beliefs, their identity and their independence I was taking care of my mother and brother. I was being Ms. Responsibility and I never got a chance to find out all the things everyone else did. For instance, most teenagers were getting their license at 16 I didn't get mine until I graduated from college. Until then I bummed rides or walked every where I had to go or I didn't get to go.

Another example is dating. I only dated one boy in high school and that was while I was a freshman. We had one episode of fumbling in the back seat of his car which no one knows about and then my mother began listening to the family's prediction of how I'd get pregnant before I was out of high school and that, was as they say, that. From then on I only traveled in groups of boys and girls. In college my horizon expanded but I was still very much inhibited. Thankfully those I dated were, too. Clay, Mac's cousin, was very much the Church of Christ product- no sex before marriage and that was fine with me. His hands were as cold as ice and I had no real interest in him. My problem came in the form of an Arab student from the West Banks of Palestine. Mohammed Itmaiza was hot! It took all the reserve I had in me to keep from falling into his hands. Fear had been planted into my head that I'd be whisked away to the Middle East and never seen again.

I never really viewed myself as a sexual creature. That side of me was never fully explored as I said. I remember a friend whistling at and later asking me why I had not responded. It never occurred to me that he could be whistling at me. And yet one of my room mates, Melinda, told me each time we went out into the community that it was I rather than she that was being whistled at or ogled. Me?

After college I had a long dry spell of dating. Then when I moved back to Murfreesboro there was a string of them. I didn't know it at the time but I had such a low opinion of myself that I sabotaged my own progress. I was too afraid of letting anyone get close to me even after proposals of marriage. I'd been proposed to 4 other times before I married Joey. I don't know. I guess I figured that his childhood was so similar to mine that he'd understand where I was coming from. I forgot to factor in prison.

Joey was my chance to explore that side of myself within the bounds of marriage which was totally acceptable to what I'd been taught to believe. And yet our sex life was not anything fantastic. In fact, I was rather disappointed. Due to his drinking and drug use he was impotent much of the time or maybe it was that he just had no interest in me.

He'd had a steady relationship with at least one man while he was in prison, maybe more, and an affair with at least one female guard. I had knowledge of all that and it nearly drove me batty. It was not that he'd had affairs with a male that made me upset. It was that he did that while we were married and I'd been out here working my tail off to keep bills paid. I didn't have time for friends let alone an affair and yet at one time he suggested that I could have a Sugar Daddy on the side. That offended me. I don't know what all of my beliefs are about relationships but one that I do hold is that I am with one person at a time. I can't love someone and be with someone else. It just doesn't work that way for me.

I suspect that he had affairs with men and women while he was out of prison living with me, too. I know of at least one person he brought to the house and had sex with in our bedroom while I was at work. I don't know who it was but I know it happened because he bragged about it afterward. All I know is that I had no trust left after I learned of each subsequent affair and I didn't really want him to touch me. But worse than the affairs was the humiliation and degradation that I was subjected to by the man I loved. I was ridiculed from head to toe and made to feel like nothing. When he left I felt like all men viewed me in these terms. I was terrified to be around any men at all for fear that they'd treat me as badly as he had. It was not until February of this year when I finally talked to him about some of the things he said and did that I stopped hearing all the things he said to me in my head.

I was beginning to feel pretty good about myself and then the bottom fell out of my world a few months back. I'm back to the theory that I am nothing. It would take so much to explain the who and what happened. I've experienced rejection, abandonment and I've been told that my instincts about others are totally wrong. I question myself a lot. I just feel as if this part of my life- the sexual side is a dead issue. And yet here I am entering menopause and my hormones rage. It's not just a case of loneliness. It's that I have needs that aren't being met. I'm not like Lois. I can't just jump into conversations and pick people up. I have never been one to jump in and out of bed with men. I want a meaningful encounter. I want a meaningful relationship. Yet most of the men I feel comfortable talking to are gay or bisexual. I don't have a problem with the gay men. But the bisexual thing gives me a problem in that I wonder if such a person can ever be totally committed to one person while in a relationship with them? I mean, do they think of or continue to pursue the other sex while they are in a relationship with the one person? I guess I never knew how that worked.

I can't talk about these things in an Al-Anon meeting. My experiences are far different from everyone else's and I feel like the odd ball. Every time I bring this subject up I'm hushed up as if I've offended someone. It makes for a very frustrating time. I can't talk about these issues with my sponsor because the topic makes her uncomfortable. So, who do I turn to? It will eventually come out in therapy but I think Judy opened the door for me to talk about it last night and I may continue that avenue as no one will let me talk here.

I don't understand why we have to put labels on each other. It makes life so much more complicated. Bobby's right. Relationships aren't complicated. People make them that way.

I have a sponsee from Israel. I have no idea what she looks like and I really don't care. Have I asked her? No. She has not asked me what I look like either. With a name like Yolanda I could be hispanic, black, or from any of the European countries. To me she is just Rena. I did not what brought her into Al-Anon. It wasn't any of my business. The very fact that she reached out for help was all that was necessary for me to know. I did not ask about her husband. It was not something I needed to know. She offered the information. I did not ask if she had children. It isn't a necessary piece of information for me to know. I didn't ask her about any occupation or disabilities, either. She willing gave me information. I did not ask about her religious back ground she gave it.

Now knowing all these things I could place all these labels on her. I could say she's Jewish, disabled, and a teacher. But I prefer to view her as just Rena. I would love her as a person regardless of who or what she was.

I have a friend that I rarely ever see that lives in Murfreesboro. We met while we were in college. At the time I baby sat for she and her husband. Her son and I share the same birthday. Her exhusband is a jerk. He was then and he is now. Before she decided that she preferred women to men, I knew. It wasn't something that affected me one way or the other. Judy took care of me when I got deathly ill at age 27. She helped me process my relationship woes. She helped me in so many ways. We went our separate ways when I moved back home to help out with my mother. But when Joey was incarcerated and all those things came out I sought her out. She was my mentor, my sister. I did not know that she had gotten a divorce and her ex did not give me any information. It was not until Joey was released from prison that she and I reconnected. It was not until he was back in prison and I was attending my first Al-Anon assembly that we saw each other in person. I love my friend. I accept her choice in life partner although her resemblence to me was very freaky. It was almost like looking in a mirror. I never thought I might have a twin out there somewhere. I like her life partner. She's nice. If we were actually twins she'd be the good one.

I know all of these things about Judy. I could introduce her as my lesbian friend. I could introduce her in masculine terms because her interests are generally considered masculine. She can fix a car, she's a carpenter, etc. But to me she's just Judy and I love her as she is. When given the opportunity to introduce her I always say she's my sister.

Vicki was my right hand in that old CDC classroom. We could finish each other's sentences. I love and respect this woman with every fiber of my being. I could place labels on her, too. She's black, she's a single mother, etc. But she's just Vicki. I could say the same things about Linda except for the single mother part. I do not introduce them or describe them in terms of their color or anything else. I just say they are my sisters. I love and accept them as they are.

See there are no hidden agendas with these ladies. They keep it real. They wear no masks. I, in turn, am learning to live without mine. My problem was never with getting to know women. My problem has always been with getting to know men. I have issues with my own sexuality, therefore I have issues with men. I was seeking out friendships with those I knew there would never be any chance of me becoming involved with because I needed to learn autonomy while interacting with males. But I also needed to learn some things from them due to what happened in my marriage.

Mac says I projected Joey onto Mike. I never saw Joey in Mike. I saw Joey in Bobby. But when Mac began acting weird, I saw Joey in him more and more. Not Joey exactly but the erratic behavior that Joey exhibited when he was using or doing something behind my back. I saw myself in Mike. I can't explain how that happened. It doesn't really matter. I recognize that I'm supposed to be interacting with these men for various reasons. I have lessons to learn. Apparently I've said and done some unacceptable things in my attempt to figure out what my belief system is and how I feel about certain situations. I did not mean to offend. If I had deliberately set out to sabotage those friendships I would not have been so passive aggressive. It would have been noticeable to everyone concerned. Amends that I have made are not accepted. I don't know what else to do but walk away.

The problem with all of this is not that I have failed to accept people as they are but that I look for hidden agendas. I recognize why I need to know these men but I do not see what anyone has to gain from knowing me. I do not find myself acceptable a lot of the time.

Whom do I talk to? My sponsor? She can't deal with the issues I have. The former sponsor? I'll only be told to journal and that the things I experience aren't real. My only hope is to work along side someone with similar issues. I sort of had that with Mac.

I want to mend that broken friendship but he walked back up to me as if nothing had ever happened. I don't shift gears that easily. Until I know what I did that caused the rift, I will repeat the mistake again. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I feel like I did when I lost my husband to the alcohol and drugs. I've lost one of my best friends.

Right now I'm trying to dig myself out of so many ditches that I can not even fathom an end to it all. I keep being told that when such and such a date comes everything will begin to get better. Time moves so slowly and I only seem to improve by small increments. But I'm not out of the woods yet. My therapist finally sees and hears my dilemmas. She has been setting up appointments with me to help me set goals for myself. I have to maintain my focus on what is in front of me in order to survive. My life feels like it is in limbo and I want it back. I want my friends back. Apparently I am only their friend when things are going well for me. When things are going badly, no one wants to be around me.

I feel like the little red hen. Every time she asked who would help her with this and that she was met with, "Not I." But when the bread was done and she asked who would help her eat the bread all those animals came forth. When I ask who will help me process this information or point me in a direction I get silence or in one sad case I got rediculed. I never asked the person to pay my bills. I only asked if he thought I could approach the church I had been attending for help because that was a suggestion made to me by my Al-Anon group. Me? I have only ventured forth to ask for help when I had nothing left. I only went looking for help with groceries when I had none left in the apartment. I only went looking for help with bills when I had exhausted every avenue I knew to exhaust. My chief character defect is pride. I don't ask for help.

You pair that with the paranoia and lack of trust I began to have for people in recovery after a series of actions hit at the same time with things going on with my biological family and my job and you got what led me to where I am now. I don't know who is trustworthy and who isn't. All I know is that everyone wants me to be responsible for something because I've always been the one people could rely on. But what about me? When do I get a turn to do some leaning and relying on someone else? I'm back to where I was when I came in. Trust no one. Rely solely onself. And yet my therapist tells me that I am not an island. Still it seems that the futher I withdrew back into my cocoon the more unacceptable I became to others, the more isolated I became.

Today I attend my first inservice in this county. I'm grateful for the new job and I'm ever so glad to have something to do today. It will help keep me focused and my mind off my problems. I'm a little nervous. Meeting new people always makes me nervous. My perpetual calendar seems to have some good advice for me today.

Just be yourself today.
It's so hard being someone else.

I've looked at the schedule nothing that will be presented today actually seems to pertain to me. I'm hoping I get some time to work in my new classroom.

I really hope that this is the start of a new chapter in my life. I'm in need of something to jump start me. I'm not liking myself very much right now.

I need to amend this entry. I'm afraid. What if I'm too burned out to teach? Where would I find another job? I have so much riding on me right now. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders financially. What would I do if I failed at this?

I called Linda just now for some emotional support. She prayed with me and reminded me of my many blessings. I guess I need to do a gratitude list right now.

Today I have:
A roof over my head
Fans to keep air circulating even though the air conditioner is not working
Transportation with 3/4 tank of gas
Clean clothes
Food to eat
Companionship to two cats
A loving God

Turned out that I was worried over nothing. Everything went fine. I didn't accomplish much but I did make it through the day.

A fellow Al-Anon member from Mt. Juliet sent me these:

An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry TWICE."

1. Pray

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and unclutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S . (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Today has been an eventful day. When I got quiet enough, an answer came. It came to me that I had not bothered to talk to anyone at the electric company about my bill. I had paid the majority of it on Friday. It turned out that I was granted an extension. When my little pay check comes in next week from Impact I will pay the rest of my bill.

An injured puppy made its way to my home. It had a broken hip or injured leg. I couldn't decide which. I couldn't fix the problem and it seemed to be in some pain. I took her to the vet. I was told they would not care for her or try to put her up for adoption unless I made a contribution of $15. I didn't have any money on me so I asked if I could pay them the $15 next week. Because Cocoa was once a patient there I was allowed to leave the poor puppy. I'm beginning to feel like Noah except animals aren't comine 2 by 2. That was the second animal since Saturday that has shown up here. A kitten showed up then. I think the manager took it off.

When I was a child I used to bring home stray animals all the time. I'd beg Mom to let me keep them. She'd say, "No." I'd wait until Dad came home and ask him. He always let me keep whatever I brought home.

I went to talk to the deacon at the church today. I wanted to know if I had the right books. We talked for an hour. I think I'm going to like working with him. I told him a little about my situation. I did not have to ask for assistance and I am grateful for that. I just told him we might have to communicate through e-mail for the RCIA class if my phone got disconnected and I asked if he'd point out some people that I might be able to ride to church with if I lost my transportation.

I spent most of the day talking to Elyce who is at loose ends. She's having a very difficult time. I have no idea what I can say or do to help her but I'm here.

It is only in silence
that you can hear
your inner voice.


This is what my perpetual calendar says today. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I can't seem to get it to slow down long enough for me to hear an inner voice. My most pressing problem really is that I need roughly $72 by Friday to pay the rest of my electric bill.

If my own problems weren't enough I had my family's to deal with today. Mom called here at 6:30 in the morning, frantic because she thought my brother was missing. Even though I really didn't have to gas to waste I drove across town and combed the neighborhood. For 4 hours no one knew were he was and she was the town cryer. She called everyone in the county I believe to look for him. Then in he walks as cool as a cucumber and suddenly all is right with her world.

That scene was not unlike what I went through when I was married to Joey. It's interesting that it happened the morning after I spoke with him. Do you think God's trying to tell me something?

If you have taken
a wrong path,
do not despair;
there is still time
to find a better one.

That is what my perpetual calendar says today. I know those are probably very wise words but I'm tired of having to back track or search for the path that is right for me. Who's to say that the one I'm on is wrong any way? Could it be that I have to be on this path because I'm more hard headed than others?

I pulled out the movie Hope Floats today. I don't know. For some reason I felt I needed to watch it. I guess I identify with the character of Sandra Bullock so much. I love the song that they lipsynch to when her daughter has been beaten up. For some reason it was not one I found for my rain project a few years back. When I look at the lyrics I think that it must have been written by an Al-Anon, some poor co-dependent person that wants desperately to get close to a loved one.

I CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU
The Temptations
(Whitfield/Strong)

I can turn your gray sky blue
I could make it rain whenever I wanted to
I can build a castle from a single grain of sand
I can make a ship sail on dry land
But my life is incomplete and I'm so blue
'Cause I can't get next to you
Next to you, I just can't get next to you

I can fly like a bird in the sky
Hey, and I can buy anything that money can buy
I can turn a river into a raging fire
I could live forever if I so desired
Unimportant are all these things I can do
'Cause I can't get next to you
No matter what I do

I can turn back the hands of time
You'd better believe I can
I can make the seasons change
Just by a wave of my hand
I can change anything from old to new
The thing I want to do the most I'm unable to do
Unhappy am I with all the powers I possess
'Cause girl, you're the key to my happiness
And I, wo, I can't get next to you

(fade):
Girl, you're blowin' my mind 'cause I can't get (next to you)
Can't you see these tears I'm cryin'? I can't get (next to you)
Girl, it's you that I need; I gotta get (next to you)



I also like the lyrics that are done in the scene where Sandra Bullock is dancing with Harry Connick, Jr. I guess I kind of see that character in the same light that I saw the man from Medea's Family Reunion when he says, "Some men come to restore." Same theme as the first song.

To Make You Feel My Love

As sung by Garth Brooks
From the movie Hope Floats

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the end of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love


It seems very ironic and yet very appropriate that Joey called just as the movie was going off. God, how glad I was to hear his voice. I know it sounds funny but it made me feel so good to hear him on the other end of the line. Maybe we can go back to having a friendship. I told him of all the things that were going wrong in my life. I guess I just needed to talk to someone who knows who I really am and what I'm about. Or maybe I'm just very, very lonely. I am not going to go back into anything with him. I know what can happen if I do.

Joey sounded pretty good. He's been working a program. He got a sponsor on the outside but he's kind of out grown him. I told him to write Bobby B. and get Punk's address. We spoke about his legal issues. I learned some things that I didn't know. I was once again so, so grateful to hear that he is trying to get his life together. He comes up for parole next year. He doesn't think he will get it. I don't want to renew a marriage but what would it hurt to be on friendly terms?

He was shocked to hear what has been going on down here with me. It was humbling to hear him his take on what was happening. I never thought he had a high opinion of me. He was always putting me down. I guess that was the drugs and the alcohol talking. It goes to show you what a difference time makes. Suddenly I remembered what good friends we once were and I missed him.

I'm not sure this is such a good thing for me but I really did feel the need to talk to him.

I finally figured out something about myself that disturbs me. I don't know where this comes from.

Due to the groceries that the Help Center gave me on Monday, my cabinets are over flowing. That's a wonderful thing. But when I go in there to look for something to eat I become paralyzed. First, there are too many choices and that confuses me. Then, it's as if I say to myself, "If I eat this today, I won't have it for tomorrow." But there's plenty in there. There would be something for tomorrow. Where does that thinking come from? I'm that way with money, too, at times. If I spend this on A, I won't have any money for B. Look at my behavior with the Al-Anon home group's finances. We raised enough money to pay a whole year's rent. But we took a portion of it and made a prudent reserve. We still don't take in $50 a month in contributions to pay our rent. We'll end up dipping into our prudent reserve which is what it is there for. But my attitude is if we spend it now we won't have it for later.

I haven't always been this way. It seems to come to me in times of extreme stress. Over abundance does that.

I've also looked at my friendships. I realize that I have friends who will occassionally lend me a helping hand but I don't have anyone to spend time with or to do things with. I'd rather have that than the helping hand. I wish Monti was still around. Maybe I should start praying for friendships.

People never cease to amaze me. Just when I think I've got them figured out they change before my very eyes. Jerry of all people. He's finally decided I'm not the ogre. I know that Jane went back and told all that I had said about my perdicament. I don't care. I'm going through a hard time where my future is uncertain. I have a light at the end of the tunnel but even good things have negative things attached to them. At any rate, he is coming to the home group in August to tell his story. I don't think he's ever told it in that building and to that group. I'm amazed at that. He told me not to ask him why he was doing it, he just was. I think it's about making amends. I find myself looking in amazement at the district members. I've thought for so long that the majority of them hated me or just tolerated me for a little bit. I'm loved beyond measure.

Bobby, the drama king, actually spoke to me this evening before meeting. I guess he's decided that I'm not so bad after all. I just wish he'd leave the Cheryl issue along. How can you claim to be one woman's fiancee when your with another woman? I'm not into that kind of stuff. I believe in being with one person at a time. I believe in monogomy. I don't know if he and Mac are back to being close friends. I sincerely hope not. Mac nearly relapsed while he and Bobby were friends.

Who really knows what Mac is doing these days? Certainly not I. He is still not speaking to me. It's extremely painful for me to walk into a building and see a person I once regarded as my brother and know that he wants nothing more to do with me. In some ways he has hurt me worse than Joey did. I guess what scares me about this is that maybe in some odd way I had fallen in love with Mac. Not on the sexual level, but on an emotional level. I think that's why it hurts so much. Emotional affairs are far more harmful that sexual affairs because you've shared things on such an intense level.

It's a good thing I've learned to love myself. I seem to spend a lot of time in my own company. Sometimes it is by choice but lately it's been because I bring people down. I recognize that. I've been working on myself. As long as I stay focused on what's in front of me and I'm given the opportunity to work along side someone I'm okay. I now have a sponsee who is working along side of me. Actually I have two. That makes a world of difference.

I'm not sure I should share the premonition that I had. You might think I'm losing it again. I know think I know a few things that are going to happen. First, I am going to meet a very serene man soon. He is somehow affiliated with teenagers but I don't know how. I'm also going to be moving in the future. Don't know where. Don't know when. And I've got a trip coming up in the future that requires me flying on an airplane with one of my recovery buddies. Don't ask me how I know this. I just do. I also know that somehow I'm going to be able to keep my truck.

Oh, and I watched the Davinci Code last night. Gained a lot of insight into myself. May watch it again tonight as I find myself dating myself. : ) Hey, I couldn't ask for better company. I'm a brilliant conversationalist, witty, funny and highly intelligent. I'll get myself home at a decent hour because I'm not going anywhere and I don't have to worry about that awkwardness at the end of the evening.

Yesterday was a day filled with surprises.

I didn't do much until the evening. At that time I went to my Al-Anon meeting on fumes. The truck barely made it there. I walked into the meeting room to find that Mac had left my speaker CDs that he borrowed nearly a year ago from me along with those of Lois that he had borrowed on the table. I'm not sure why he's suddenly returning belongings to people or if it is just mine. There was something about the incident that made me think that he is saying, "Good bye and good riddance." I haven't done anything to him. In this scenerio all I did was get depressed. I was paranoid and spoke to him of it. I was suicidal and spoke to him of it. Those are my issues, not his. But apparently he can't be friends with someone who isn't bubbly and uplifting all the time. Well, I'm sorry. I can't fake happiness 24/7.

We had a guest speaker. Paddy A. from Smyrna came to speak. She brought her husband and another Al-Anon member with her. My former sponsor came, having gotten a ride over with Elaine S. She surprised me by slipping money into my pocket for gas to get me to Columbia and back. I was under the impression that she hated me and would rather walk across hot coals than to assist me in any way. I was definitely shocked. She told me as we were leaving to go get gas or a stiff drink or both! I had to laugh. I don't drink but I could have used one last night. I didn't see how I was going to make it to Columbia. And I desperately needed to get there to run my errands. I needed the closure on that old classroom.

Well, I received my paycheck from Impact today and it's already gone. I spent the majority of it getting caught up on rent. I put the remainder of it on my electric bill. I still owe roughly $72. I have until next Friday to pay it. Don't know where I will get it. But I've put that in God's hands. I've done all that I can do.

I was called yesterday about a free movie rental. While I was out running my errands- I went to see my new classroom- I went by Movie Gallery and picked out a movie. I prayed that God would guide me to one. I saw many that had titles that spoke to me. Some I'd already seen. I wanted one I had not seen already. I finally decided on The Divinci Code. Haven't seen it but I've heard a lot about it over the last year or so. Maybe it has a God message for me.

My on-line sponsee finally got back to me. She doesn't seem offended by what I sent her. I'm glad. We'll see what happens.

I'm a little tired. I think I may go and take a nap.

Well, I had my nap and I feel better.

I haven't watched my movie yet. I think I'm going to save it for tomorrow night. I really would rather be watching the newest Harry Potter movie but beggars can't be choosers.

I watched Anne of Green Gables this afternoon. I have the videos. As much as I'd like to think that I am Pollyanna, I have to say I resemble Anne more. Or maybe I am a cross between the two characters. When I finished watching it I thought of another character. When I was younger I read a lot of Grace Livingston Hill's books. She had one called Job's Niece. I always thought I was most like her. My most frequent saying in those days was, and probably should still be, "Everything happens to me." But that would be such a self-pitying attitude.

There are people who have far worse troubles than I. For example, Lois just called. She's had a pretty bad day. She's sitting outside her job with a flat tire. It sounded as if she'd been crying. I offered to go get her. I've got about a quarter of a tank. But she's called the police. They are sending a wrecker. Bless her heart. She feels about as low as I have the past few weeks.

Call me strange, and most people do, but I just have to share with you what my bizarre sense of humor brought to mind.

I've sat here by myself since my truck ran out of gas and I ran out of money. The only time I've been out of the house since Monday to go any where was when Lois came to get me for a meeting. Yeah, I could have already walked a number of places by now but I've sat here waiting Elaine to call because she was supposed to take me to Columbia to run errands. The only people I've heard from at any length are people who want something from me. Do you hear the insanity in all of that?

Then it struck me- I've been suicidal at various times and suddenly I have no friends. It's as if they said to themselves, "Oh, man, I don't want to catch what she's got. I better leave her alone." Now, there's another bit of insanity- leaving a suicidal person alone. But it also shows you something else. An isolating person reaches out for help and is pushed further into isolation. God help me if I ever do this to another human being.

I have to laugh at this picture because if I don't I will get bitter and resentful. This morning I pulled a Pollyanna. I went through all of my CAL to find the pages that spoke on fun, happiness, humor, and laughter. I found enough to fill 6 pages of notes. Not the 800 glad texts that Pollyanna referred to but enough to get me started.

The other thing that strikes me as funny is that I have a new sponsee who lives on the other side of the world in Israel. I will likely never meet this woman but I owe her my life. She reached out for help and even though my words may have been overdone and received poorly (I don't know if they were or not) I heard myself say what I needed to hear at that very moment.

Come to think of it I could all so say the same thing about Kenny saving my life. He appeared with words of love and encouragement right when I needed to hear positive feedback. I'll probably never meet him either.

I also have a sponsee who lives 4 hours away from me. She is the epitome of beauty. I call her Nefertitti because she looks so much like the busts I see of the Egyptian queen, and yet she continually puts herself down. She turns to me, me the ugly duckling, to receive validation about herself. I look at that and can't help but smile not because she is hurting but because of all the things that Joey used to say to me. He knew this woman and always placed her high on a pedestal of what beauty was while he degraded me. If he only knew that she was coming to me for help.

I have to shake my head. It just goes to show the irony of the 12 step program. I recall that line from Medea's Family Reunion where Vanessa is talking to Franky. She says, "All men come for something." And he responds by saying that, "Some men come to restore." Could it be that when we reach out to God for help that He places the most unlikely of people to help restore us to our sanity?

Last night a movie title popped in my head- The Gangs of New York. I have this movie. I don't particularly like it. It's dark and at times extremely violent. I couldn't think of why I had it pop into my head. Then it hit me just now. The most unlikely of people were thrown together to form gangs in order to survive in the 19th century when immigrants were coming into America. Most gangs were formed along nationality lines but not all. Some were formed along religious lines.

The point is that survival brought together the most unlikely of people. That's the 12 step program. We're brought together because of one common factor- survival. Some of us stay together because we have forged a bond with each other, some never come back after the first test of unity and some only come when another test comes. I've met some marvelous and fascinating people in my four years of recovery. I've learned a lot from them all. Some lessons have been painful and some have been full of wonder. The point is that they were lessons and I paid attention.

During my first year of recovery I collected songs about rain because it dawned on me that the devestation of alcoholism on a family is a lot like rain. Rain is associated with sadness or misery sometimes just as alcoholism. What people forget is that rain also cleanses the earth. So hard times can also cleanse the spirit. I remembered all this this morning because it is raining. We've desperately needed the rain.

I've been doing a lot of spiritual studying the last 9 months. My whole curriculum of study has been on "Love Thy Neighbor as Thy Self." This morning I have a biblical reading that includes the rain in that context:

Matthew 5:43-46
You have heard that is was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, bless they who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you?

I also have a song.

I'm No Stranger to the Rain

As sung by Keith Whitley


I'm no stranger to the rain
I'm a friend of thunder
Friend, is it any wonder lightning strikes me
I've fought with the devil
Got down on his level
But I never gave in, so he gave up on me

I'm no stranger to the rain
I can spot bad weather
And I'm good at finding shelter in a downpour
I've been sacrificed by brothers
Crucified by lovers
But through it all I withstood the pain
I'm no stranger to the rain

Bridge:
But when I get that foggy feeling
When I'm feeling down
If I don't keep my head up, I may drown
But it's hard to keep believing
I'll even come out even
While the rain beats your hope in the ground
And tonight is really coming down

I'm no stranger to the rain
But there'll always be tomorrow
And I'll beg, steal, or borrow a little sunshine
And I'll put this cloud behind me
That's how the man designed me
To ride the wind and dance in a hurricane
I'm no stranger to the rain
Oh no, I'm no stranger to the rain

This was the e-mail that I sent out to my support system today.

Here is what I have accomplished today:

I have signed all the paperwork and have been fingerprinted for my new teaching job. My insurance will roll over because it is identical so I should not have any gaps in coverage as I pursue doctor appointments.

I have tendered my resignation via e-mail to my old school. I spoke with the principal on the telephone this morning. She was very supportive and complimentary of me. It made me feel pretty good about leaving that position. I still have a lot of love for the people who work at that school. They were my family and support system before I found recovery. VH, MJM and LA will always be considered as my sisters. If they had not come to my aid a few weeks ago that mess with Mom would have spiraled out of control.

My therapist and I widened the plan that I worked out this weekend with LT. I have been to the Help Center. This was not something I wanted to do but with no income coming in since May I had no other choice. I have no idea how much the paycheck from Impact will be when I receive it on the 13th. But it is already promised to the landlord.

I have an appointment to receive some groceries from the Help Center tomorrow at 10:30. I went to DHS and I did qualify for food stamps for this month and next month. I should receive a card in 3-5 days. I was also given the assignment to find an agency to help me pay my electric bill. I was referred to South Central. I haven't been to see them yet. I first need to go by the electric company (per my therapist) to see if they have some sort of payment plan already in place through them before I go to South Central. DHS also suggested that I speak with the Help Center before I attempt South Central.

It is doubtful that I will be able to keep my telephone. There is no agency that will assist with that. I will continue to use the telephone and the internet here from home as long as AT&T allows me to. After that all e-mails will come to you from visits to the library or from my new classroom. I have a cell phone as you know but I only have 150 minutes on it right now. So, I do have a telephone for emergencies.

My therapist is in agreement with me I am now in the survival mode. She believes that I am a canidate for antidepressants and she thought I might qualify for a caseworker of my own but when she looked at the type of insurance I have she quickly ruled out the caseworker. I have two more appointments scheduled with her for this month due to the nature of my situation and she has moved the medical evaluation up to August 11th (a Saturday). At present we are working on trying to establish short term goals for myself without the aid of medication (her idea not mine).

I spoke with her about the situation with Mom and Barry. She doesn't think that the caseworker has grounds to pursue a case against me for neglect, abuse or financial exploitation. However, because that is no longer a viable emotional support system for me I am to try to set up a stronger support system for myself. Or as she put it, I am not an island. I can not get by on my own will power any more. I explained to her that I tenatively have a support system in place already. She says that I need to re-examine that system and if it is not strong enough I am to try a different route.

She is in agreement with me about letting go of a large portion of my service work for now because I am of no use to anyone at present. She says that if anyone gives me flack about it I am to tell them where to get off. Right now I have to stay focused on myself because I am in crisis. I can still do some service work such as handling phone calls and e-mails. If someone would step up as an alternate I could also continue doing some things for my group. Last night I initiated a joint endeavor with an NA member on behalf of an Al-Anon. I felt pretty good about that considering which NA member stepped forward to help me. You'd be extremely surprised at that one. It took me by surprise at least.

Tomorrow EK will be driving me to Columbia so that I can turn in my keys to my old classroom there, return text books to that room, stop by the central office to wrap up some loose ends (my therapist does not think cashing in my retirement is a good option at all because it will put more financial penalties on me) and by Impact to get a copy of my latest TB skin test that is needed for my new teaching job.

I have my work cut out for me. My new principal wants me to stop by the school to become acquainted with my new classroom, too.

I'm going to start getting up early in the morning before it gets hot and start walking from my home to the school to see how long it takes me to do that. The truck may wind up back at the dealership. I won't be able to make payments and will lose it. So, I need to start getting back into the groove of walking these hills here again.

Things are not bright and cheerful but they are looking better.

EK and I had a long, long talk last night before the meeting on the phone and in the front room. We've each had resentments against each other and I think now that that is out in the open we can be friends again. We are both going through a rough time. We are both in the survival mode. I have some things that I can help her with and she has some things that she can help me with. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sunday I will step down as district secretary and I plan to step down as GR if no one will step up as an alternate. It may mean that our group operates without a GR for a while. No one is willing to step up due to all the problems that have occurred in the last year and some feel they do not have enough time in the program to take on the responsibility. We'll see what happens. It won't my problem any more.

Angel

As sung by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There’s always some reason to feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

Chorus
In the arms of an angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of an angel, may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference, escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

Chorus


I'm holding on by a thread today. I really do need a guardian angel to comfort me today. I'm having a hard time focusing on what I have in front of me. I keep being distracted by tomorrow's worries.

It's amazing to me what messages God is sending me this weekend. Yesterday I was reading in one of the books I bought at the flea market last weekend. It was one by Charles Swindoll. It spoke of how God does not promise us a life free from hard times. There were a lot of references to Job as you can probably imagine. Then this morning the reading in the bulletin at church was along the same lines.

I don't know if I've told you that I now have a mentor with A Course in Miracles (ACIM). Her name is Liz. She sends me periodic lessons and I also get them from two other sources- Circle of Atonement and Path of Light. Apparently the lesson for this week with ACIM is how to heal our relationships. We're to call on the Holy Spirit to assist with that. Well, this morning when the visiting priest spoke of the 72 being sent out he alluded to the Holy Spirit being involved in our relationships. He referenced the reading about dwelling with people who are at peace and that is exactly what ACIM referenced.

The priest also spoke of dusting off our feet and moving on if we found that we were not welcome. In a way that feeds into the 2nd of the Four Agreements- Don't take things personally. This morning I find myself angry, irritable, and discontent. I find that I have taken a lot of things personal over the years. I've allowed the dust to linger when it should have been knocked off my feet, so to speak. I have a lot of resentments coming to the surface, some are almost as old as I am. Those have to do with my mother and brother. Then there are other resentments that have only been forming for a short time. Those have to do with things that have happened over the last few months but are just as associated with the feelings I have toward my family or origin. I'm not sure what character defect is attached to them but I'd like to have it swiftly removed. I'm tired of toting it around.

You know I know what others say and do have nothing to do with me but I'm affected by their words and actions. I still react to things. I still have a lot of anger in me that I thought I had let go of. What I discovered is that I had only stuffed it. Today I'd like to explode and finally get it off my chest. But I don't want to damage the already shaky relationships that I have. Like I said I don't know what defect is attached to it but I'd really like it to go away now.

The River

As sung by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores.. and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide.. yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

And there's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.. yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry


I keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do. But this song is also right. I am learning from what's past and I have no idea what the future holds. I need to keep myself focused on today in order to survive.

Today I have a roof over my head.
I don't have air conditioning at present but I do have a fan.
I have electricity.
I have a phone.
I have the internet.
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have clean clothes to wear.
I have food in my kitchen.
I have a TV.
I have a DVD player/VCR.
I have DVDs and videos to watch for entertainment.
I have books to read for enlightenment.
I have two cats for companionship.
I have transportation.
I have gas in my truck.
I have friends.
I have my mother and my brother.
I have a job I will start in three weeks.
I am blessed.

Just for today I will focus on my blessings and not give any thought to the things I don't have. If my mind should stray I will become bogged down in depression again.

I've been thinking about dreams. When I was a child I dreamed of a day when I'd have a family of my own. I dreamed of having 5 children. I wanted 4 boys and a girl. I was even stupid enough to think I could dictate what order God gave them to me in. I wanted two boys on either end and the girl in the middle. She'd have 2 brothers for protection and two to boss around. I had all kinds of names picked out, too. I dreamed of going to sporting events and being able to say that's my child. I dreamed of dance classes for my little girl.

I dreamed of the perfect marriage, too. I wanted someone who would love me for who I am, warts and all. I wanted to feel as if I was someone special. I wanted to matter. I dreamed of having someone to grow old with.

I dreamed of becoming somebody in my field of work, too. I wanted to make a difference.

Today I know that I make a difference just not in the way that I had envisioned. I know that I matter and that I'm loved, too. It's just that sometimes I feel as if I'm missing out on a lot of things that others have. I want something more than what I have and I feel like I've been given the short end of the stick. I feel cheated somehow.

What I've discovered is that I got exactly what God wanted me to have. I have no way of knowing why He placed me in the family I was born to. I have no idea about why things have happened in the order in which they have. I just know that it is a part of His plan. I'm learning to trust.

I read something today about how a person with problems like mine responds when asked how he is doing. He says, "I'm growing and learning." I think that's what I'm going to say from now on. No one really wants to know what's going on with me. They have their own lives to live.

Linda has helped me come up with a game plan. I don't like it. It requires humbling myself still further. But apparently that is part of my growth and learning. Apparently I was not humble enough.