That's Life

As sung by Frank Sinatra

That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My


I heard this song played on the Kennedy Center Honors show last night as they enducted a few people into their ranks. I liked it and thought it really spoke volumes about life.

I just happened to be reading The Way of the Peaceful Warrior while the Kennedy Center show was on television. Yes, I found the book a few weeks ago in the Good Will Store and just got around to reading it. It was so good I couldn't put it down. Thanks to whomever it was for recommending it to me. I'm still looking for the movie.


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

May you live all the days of your life.
--Jonathan Swift

Tonight, at midnight, a new year will begin. None of us know what the new year will hold. But we can trust ourselves to hold on to the spirit of recovery as we go through the year. As a new year is about to begin, we can rejoice in our new way of life. We can give our will and our life to our Higher Power. By doing these things, we'll be ready for the new year.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, I pray that I'll start the new year safe in Your loving arms, I pray that I'll keep working my program.

Action for the Day

Tonight, at midnight, I'll say the Serenity Prayer. I will think of all the others who will join me in my prayer. We are a recovering community.
From: Keep It Simple by Anonymous

Gratitiude list for today:

A- Alley, Angel Food Ministry
B- Barry, buttermilk
C- Cocoa, corn bread
D- Diet Coke
E- Eucalyptus
F- Friendship
G- God, gift cards, glitter bath bubbles
H- Hope
I- Imagination, insurance
K- Kenny
L- Linda
M- Mom, Mary Sue, Marian, Mary Jo, Movie Gallery, meeting
N- Nota
O- Oranges
P- Payee (Mom and Barry have one named Cindy)
Q- Quiet
R- Reeves Drug Store, Radio
S- Sauerkraut
T- Tylenol PM- works wonders when the pain medication has run out and you need to sleep
U- Uninterrupted sleep
V- Vicki
W- Wisdom to know the difference
X- Xena spirit in all of us
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz

An online Al-Anon friend just sent me a website where you can look up your birthverse. I'd never heard of such a thing. I looked up mine and here it is:

1 John 4:12 NIV
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.


I am so grateful to have this as my verse!

Here is the reading from my Advent Meditation booklet:

Despite Many Losses, We're Never at a Loss

Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lost their life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:39

We don't like to dwell on our losses, but our whole lives are filled with losses, endless losses. And every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression, and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper. The question is not how to avoid loss and make it not happen, but ow to choose it as a passage, as an exodus to greater life and freedom.

O God, may your redemptive love showered upon us in Jesus lead us to live holy and happy lives despite out losses.

P. S.
Just got notice that Joey has been paroled. Don't know how to feel about that.

P.S.S.
No sooner than I found out he'd been paroled, he called. I didn't recognize his voice at first. Isn't that weird? I have no feelings one way or the other. He has his life and I have mine. Seems almost surreal. Maybe I've made a choice toward something better. Maybe that's why I felt very little about it.

I can't access my e-mail to tell anyone my phenomenal news so I want to share it here.

God provided our Christmas meal. I had just gotten up and let Cocoa out when there was a faint knock on the door. A man appeared with a box and said it was from the American Legion. I thought he might have the wrong address, but no it was mine!

Aunt Nancy, Uncle Arvil and two of their grandchildren came by to visit Mom. They brought her some new books to read. Aunt Nelle brought Mom by a present, too. Jane and Hannah Banana came by to bring me a nutcracker. Funny. I'd given her one, too. All and all, it's been a good day. We've seen family and friends. And Barry took us out for lunch at Long John Silver's. We're going to top it all off by going to church. Mom and I are attending mass while Barry goes for a candlelight service at the Baptist church.

Winter of Change

Celebration of Life for a Fresh New Year

By Kenny Price

Life on a quest, a curious mind
Unclear and uncertain, seeking to find

Exploring new thoughts, talents and skills
Accomplishing goals, exciting new thrills

Societal goals, conventional voice
I've given you will and freedom of choice

Finding new roads, paths to explore
Black and white life, there has to be more

Continue with dream, pride and self-will
Ambition with talents, accumulate skill

Degrees and careers, create and design
Polished veneer appearing to shine

Storm clouds arrive, the first drop of rain
Striving now harder, experience strain

Rain shower now, foundation too weak
Footings erode as flood waters peak

Darkness of night, no sign of dawn
Layer of snow, accomplishments gone

Grieving a loss, anger and guilt
Will I recapture the life I had built

Painfully still, confusion and shock
Flooding subsides exposing a block

Inside the dark, new fears increas
Ironically bringing a glimmer of peace

Above in a tree, I hear a new sound
Song from a bird, music profound

Open my eyes, a ray from the sky
Birds all around, beginning to fly

Spring has arrived melting all snow
Creating new life with natural flow

Vision restored, now I can see
Colors appear as I walk free

Carried by grace, knowledge mature
Wisdom and purpose today I am sure.


This wonderful poem was sent to me by my dear friend, Kenny. He will never know how much I see my life in it. But he seems to have a voice that speaks for me. Perhaps he as a similar muse as mine.


A Baby Changes Everything

As sung by Faith Hill



Teenage girl much too young
Unprepared for what's to come
A baby changes everything

Not a ring on her hand
All her dreams and all her plans
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

The man she loves she's never touched
How will she keep his trust
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries
Ooh she cries
Oh ohhh...

She has to leave, go far away
Heaven knows she can't stay
A baby changes everything

She can feel it's coming soon
There's no place there's no room
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries
And she cries
Oh she cries

Shepherds all gather 'round
Up above the star shines down
A baby changes everything

Choir of angels sing
Glory to the newborn king
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything
Everything, everything, everything
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

My whole life has turned around
I was lost, but now I'm found
A baby changes everything, yeah
A baby changes everything

This song was sung at Linda's church yesterday. I had no idea that it was a popular song sung by Faith Hill. I discovered it a few minutes ago as her Christmas special came on CBS.

I made it back home. I'm in pain. I had an appointment with Dr. Haney. He's referring me to a specialist for my back. I've got an appointment scheduled with a Dr. Allen in Nashville on January 8th. I'm hoping I'll find someone to drive me there. I have no idea what will happen in this appointment.

Saw Mac today. I wasn't aware of his presence until I was engaged in conversation with Kenneth inside the Dollar Tree. I really wasn't sure it was him. It's the first time I've seen him in about a year. It felt strange.

I ran away from home. I came to stay with Linda for the weekend.

I almost thought I'd have to change my plans because the assistive living facility where Mom stays took more than they were supposed to out of my account. I went to the bank to take out money for lunch with the Three Musketeers and the trip here after school on Thursday only to find out that I had no money. What!? The last time I'd been to the bank there was over $3000 in there- Mom's money and mine. $800 of it was mine. Not any more. The assistive living place took it all.

I cancelled lunch with the girls and I tried to cancel this weekend but Linda wouldn't let me. Thank God. I've gotten more sleep and rest since I've been here. No one is here to make demands on me. This has been wonderful.

We went to Santa Fe Day Spa yesterday. She had a Swedish massage and I had reflexology done to my feet. And we sat in a jacuzzi for a good long while. It was wonderful.

I picked up my Angel Food ministry package here on Friday night. Linda paid for it and I will be paying her back. This is a God thing. I have no doubt.

After church today we went to the fellowship luncheon. I made my second Jam Cake this year. I made one for our Wednesday Christmas party at school and I made one to take to the church. Thankfully people enjoyed it. Not much was left from either time.

Tomorrow I head back to Pulaski when Linda leaves to go to work. I've got a doctor's appointment with Dr. Haney. It's a follow up on all the tests he ran. I've got an enlarged liver. I'm probably going to get a good fussing at for not taking better care of myself but I'm grateful it was not my gall bladder or an ulcer. I've not had a lot of pain in my abdomen this weekend but my back and hip have been in excruciating pain. I've taken muscle relaxers and pain killers every 4 hours like the bottle says. That's why I've slept so much. Hopefully he'll give me another cordozone shot. It was all that seemed to help.

I've been working on my anger homework. I hated the worksheet Melanie gave me because they looked too much like the ABC sheets I keep on Taylor. So I went into my CAL and found readings on Fear, Anger and Resentment to write on. I know it's not the same but I know where a lot of my anger comes from. It's bottled up resentment. I've got 43 years of it.

I miss talking to Mike. I really do have feelings for him and it sucks. He pulls out that badge, you know the one that says, "I'm gay"- translation "I'm not interested", "I'm off limits." It's too bad. I really, really do love Mike. I have a lot in common with him. He seems to get me. That's rare. Wish he'd respond to my e-mails.

Well, sigh, I'll be back home tomorrow. It's back to listening to my brother complain and whine. I understand his social worker wants to talk to me. Hell, I don't want to talk to her. She's just going to give me more things to do. My cup already runneth over.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.
--Emily Dickinson

We often hum and sing to ourselves because it makes us feel content. It is the melody itself that makes us feel good - words and thoughts do not matter.

Having hope for ourselves and for our universe is like having a melody always moving inside us. The melody may be calm or exciting, but most of all it brings with it beauty and a sense of peace. Hope can overcome the need for words and thoughts and promises. Hope is the melody that keeps us going, the hum that continues even when there are no words to the song. Hope is not a melody we think about - it must come when we believe in the goodness of our world.

If we have faith in a power greater than ourselves, we will be able to find the melody of hope inside us at all times.
From: Today's Gift by Anonymous


First of all Emily Dickinson is one of my favorite poets of all time and I love this short poem of hers. The first line is often quoted in Al-Anon literature.

Secondly I got the results back from all the tests that Dr. Haney had done on me. The good news is that I do not have an ulcer or any problems with my gall bladder. The bad news is that I have an enlarged liver. Now, the bad news actually gives me hope because I've been down this road before. I go back to see Dr. Haney when I come back from visiting Linda. I think he'll get me back on the right track and I might even be able to eliminate the postpone visit to the Berriatric doctor. The last time I had this trouble I was put on a very strict regime and lost a ton of weight. I looked pretty good.

I went to see Dr. Haney today for the first time since I filed bankruptcy 5 years ago. I couldn't stand the pain in my hip and leg any longer but I also had some abdomenal pains that I was concerned about, too. I was x-rayed. He found that the arthritis had flared up in my spine and that I had a spur pressing on a nerve in my leg. I was given two shots for that. Then he said he wanted to run some tests on my other pains to rule out whether it is my liver ailment flaring up again, my gall bladder acting up or an ulcer forming. I'm banking on ulcer, given what is going on in my life. At any rate I've got an ultra sound test for Monday afternoon and some kind of dye related test for Tuesday morning. What I remember of the ultra sound test when I had my liver problem several years back is that it will be painful. I cried when I had it back then because they pressed right down on where it hurt.


My sponsor and I postponed our dinner out for tonight due to weather conditions on her end and my stomach problems. We're rescheduing for after Christmas.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Sincere love is not born of possessiveness but of necessary space and distance.
--Melanie Gainsley

Dimestore romance novels and the passion frequently portrayed in movies invite us to mimic behavior that's seldom in our best interests. Focusing attention too narrowly on another person stifles our personal growth, without which we die, as does the relationship, in time.

Real love means we will celebrate one another's avenue to fulfillment, feeling joy when our paths are parallel, trusting the growth process when our directions seem at cross-purposes. We'll know that, whatever our destination, we'll each be in the right place at the right time truly free to love one another - not forced because we've been trapped in a binding relationship mistakenly defined as love.

But where are our role models for healthy love? Few of us have been privy to them. And yet, we can discover responsible, loving behavior for ourselves if we'll risk honesty about our personal goals, our fears, our dreams, and allow our loved ones the same honest openness.
From: Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

Today's reading from Hazelden and the one on my perpetual calendar have to do with change. Hey, I'm not against change. It's scary but it's necessary in order for growth to occur. I feel like I've changed a lot and my life situation has changed as well.

The reading from the Advent meditation book is about learning to pray. I just drove through a down pour of rain in the dark and could not see. I was reciting the rosary all the way home. Teach me to pray? I think I'm still learning the proper way.

I'm a bit confused and in a lot of physical pain today. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if this is my arthritis acting up. I just know I hurt. And I'm a bit depressed. I can't take care of things for Mom and Barry. Mom's pretty well settled but Barry's like a leach sucking the life out of me. I just want to feel like I matter to someone these days for something besides solving problems.

I guess this song sums up how I'm feeling today.


I Wanna Be Somebody’s Baby

As sung by Barry Manilow

I want to be somebody’s baby
I don’t want a child of my own
I was the one who was always strong
And I was always the one left alone
I was the one understanding
And letting the other go free
Now I want to be somebody’s baby
Let somebody worry ‘bout me

No, no, no more a shoulder to cry on
My shoulders are wet to the bone
No, no, no a more a friend to rely on
I’m lookin’ for friends of my own
No more a kindly advisor
And no more a worshipping fan
I’m younger and weaker and wiser
With a brand new strategy planned

I wanna be somebody’s baby
I don’t want a child of my own
I was the one who was always strong
And I was always the one left alone
I was the one understanding
And lettin’ the other go free
Right now I want to be somebody’s baby
Let somebody worry ‘bout me

I want to be mothered
And fathered
And sistered
And brothered
Its gonna be gruesome and grand
I swear I’ll keep you worried
And sweatin’
And busy
And bothered
You’ll run around wringing your hand
I’ll call you at three in the mornin’
Wailin’ my woes to the sky
I’ll slip out of sight without warnin’
And return with a gleam in my eye

I wanna be somebody’s baby
I don’t want a child of my own
I was the one who was always strong
And I was always the one left alone
I was the one understanding
And lettin’ the other go free
Right now
I wanna be somebody’s baby
Let somebody worry ‘bout me

I wanna be somebody’s baby
I wanna,I wanna,I wanna,I wanna yeaaaaaaaa
Keep my bed warm
Make me a home
I wanna be somebody’s baby

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

It doesn't happen all at once.... You become. It takes a long time.
--Margery Williams

Our spiritual awakening is partly a process of becoming real. We're moving from the external controls of image and others' opinions to the internal controls of honesty, listening to our inner voice, and having true relationships. We are shedding the games that maintained our old style of life - "macho" or "hero" or "poor me."

In place of the old phony surface, we are developing a real relationship with ourselves. We are becoming more aware - of emotions, of need for rest, of violations of our values. Sometimes change comes in a flash of insight or a moment of sudden, piercing awareness, but more often it comes a little bit at a time. As we work the Steps, as we are true to our inner voice, as we keep returning to conscious contact with our Higher Power, as we get closer to our friends, we become more real to ourselves.

As I grow, I see that I was always real. I was just looking at the outside.
From: Touchstones by Anonymous


This goes so well with the reading from the Advent meditation for today:

The Patient Live and Wait in the Present

Simeon... was righteous and devout, looking forward to the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit rested on him.
Luke 2:25

A waiting person is a patient person. The word "patient" implies the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us. Patient living means to live actively in the present and wait there. Impatient people expect the real thing to happen somewhere else, and therefore they want to get away from the present situation and go elsewhere. For them, the moment is empty. But patient people dare to stay where they are, waiting.

O God, help us to be patient, knowing that all good gifts come from you in your own time.


I must have looked very sad or, perhaps, in pain as I really did feel because Deacon Mike pulled me aside as I was leaving and asked me if everything was okay. He said that if I needed anything or to just talk to stop by. I may wind up in his office before the week is up.

I'm trying to be patient and allow things to move in God's time but I feel like I need to jump in and hurry them along for Mom and Barry. I'm physically limited thesed days. I'm in a lot of pain. My left hip and leg are in excrutiating pain. It hurts to sit, stand, walk or lie down. In short, I hurt all the time. I'm also not doing so well with my breathing these days. The breathing machine is on the standby should I need a treatment. I'm trying to make it without that. Depression keeps creeping back in. I'm battling it though.

I called Marian and told her that I was not going to be at the meeting tonight. I visited with Mom and came home. I'm probably going to turn in soon. I just took some Tylenol PM to help me get through the night. Don't want to become to dependent on that either.

Marian and I are going to dinner and to see The Nutcracker ballet on Friday. I told you that the nutcracker seems to be the theme for this holiday or is it mixed nuts?

In the last few days something amazing has happened. I have begun to feel like there is hope.

One of the newest assistants in my classroom, one that I worked with this summer, helped us create a masterpiece for the door contest at school. I drew the fairies, the nutcrackers and Santa's bag of gifts but she painted them and pulled it all together. Whether we win the contest and get our day off from work or not, the five of us in that classroom finally came together as a team. That feels pretty good.

Missie (the assistant mentione above) has a birthday coming up- I was asked to draw her a birthday card. I was actually asked to draw her schnauzer on the card. I can't draw that well. So I stuck to the theme already established in the room. Missie had given our group of misfits the team name "mixed nuts" - that was why I suggested the Nutcracker ballet and story as our theme. At any rate that is what I chose to draw on her card. Hopefully she will accept it as it is given- as a "thank you" for helping see me through a rough time.

The other new assistant, Jane, is a jewel. She has developed some sort of admiration of me that I'm not so sure I deserve. I just shared part my story with her last spring and found another Al-Anon. We also go to therapy and take depression medication. Discovering that somehow made me feel less of an odd ball. This weekend she loaned me the movie "Mixed Nuts." I just got through watching it and laughing myself silly. I'm not sure what others have gotten out of that movie but I saw a lot of faith, love, acceptance and hope. I'm grateful that she brought it to me to borrow. I had loaned her "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" after listening to her talk about it.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds. I'm really not sure it's important for me to know such things although I've always wanted to have some hint to things to come. The unknown is so scarey to me.

I do know that after the 15th my brother will have his life back as I am going to pay half of his cable and phone bill while the payee pays the other half. I don't think of this as enabling him. It's me finally saying, "Enough is enough." He's crossed too many of my boundaries. Using my toothbrush was the last straw. This will be my Christmas present to him. He need not expect anything else.

I don't really have the money to buy really cool presents or even make them as I sometimes to. I'm using my imagination to create meaningful things (I hope).

I've begun my inventory and decided that I'm not such a bad person after all. I'm in a lot of physical pain and I'm a little overwhelmed with responsibilities but all in all I'm an okay human being. I'm the gift God gave to me. At least that's what the meditation from my Advent booklet tells me. : )

My therapist gave me a homework assignment because I asked for one. She is concerned that I'm stuffing my feelings again. She particularly thinks the two greatest feelings that I am dealing with are fear and anger/resentment. So, she gave me an inventory to do on anger.

I haven't started writing anything yet but the questions already have me thinking. I've thought for some time that I needed to work on my anger issues. I need to be able to talk to someone about them, to scream, until all the anger is gone. Then in the back of my mind that old tape plays- "Nice people don't do such things." So, I think, maybe I'm not so nice. What kind of a woman would have such a huge resent against her autistic older brother and mentally ill mother? What kind of a woman still wonders why her father died, leaving her at thirteen to become the adult of the house? I could go on and on about the issues that I have with my family or origin.

So, I'm battling with what are legitimate feelings and what "nice people do". I'm also battling with what other people think of me. My sponsor asks, "Why does it matter what other people think?" I'm not sure how to answer that except to say that it matters to me. I get tired of being branded the bad guy when I set boundaries. I get tired of being told that I've abandoned my family when I refuse to do things for them that they can do for themselves. I get tired of being called lazy when I don't physically exhaust myself, pushing myself to the limit, to do things that should have already been done. I ask for help. No help ever comes. What lesson do you think God is teaching me here? That I have limitations? I have never been so aware of my limitations than I am right now. Physically, I'm falling apart. Perhaps the lesson is not meant for me but for others. I don't know.

At any rate I have an inventory to do on anger. Then I read in my Advent meditation book:

Fear Freguently Leads Us to Stike First

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord... Psalm 130:5-6

We consider waiting a waste of time, perhaps because our culture is always saying, "Get going! Do something! Show you are able to make a difference! Don't just sit there and wait!" Waiting seems a dry desert between where we are and where we want to be. We do not enjoy the place. We want to move out of it and do something worthwhile.
Waiting is even more difficult because we are so fearful- not just as individuals but as whole communities and nations. Fear explains why it is so hard to wait and how tempting it is to act. That is the root of a "first strike" approach to others. Those who live in a world of fear are more likely to make aggressive, hostile, destructive responses than people who are not so frightened. The more afraid we are, the harder waiting becomes.

O God, before we act hastily and risk doing more harm than good, give us the patience to wait prayerfully for your wisdom and guidance.

*********************************************************************************

Patience is something that I'm learning daily. I'm getting better at waiting on God to show me the path I'm supposed to be on. The fact that I am not acting in my anger and resentment but have calmly addressed my brother about boundaries, shows that I am not acting in fear any more. That's got to be something in my favor. However, I'm stuffing my anger again and that is leading to mega depression. So, inventory here I come!

I had a therapy session today with Melanie. We got to the root of some of what I've been feeling. I've got a lot of repressed anger that is causing me to be depressed. She's given me homework to work on. We also went through a series scenerios where she presented with feelings and asked me to identify people, places and things that cause them.

I discovered that I feel most unsafe when I am in the recovery community. When I attended meetings at the Betterway House I was often blind sided by AA, NA or Al-Anon members who were having a bad day and decided that I should be the scape goat. I feel unsafe because of a previous sponsor who decided that I was public enemy number one and repeated everything I ever said to her.

I discovered that I dislike certain people because I feel stupid and ugly in their presense.

I discovered the place I feel the most secure is the church I attend.

I relived some things from my childhood as we spoke but I feel better.

Well, I survived a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend with my family. I listened for five days as Mom named off every ailment she had- imaginary and real. It did help that she finally made it to the doctor on Friday to get checked out because he told her at least two of the things she was complaining about didn't exist. I also listened to her whine about not having a television and a telephone. There were times when she was so demanding of my attention that I wanted to scream. At the same time I heard similar things from my brother.

I felt like I was getting everything in stereo. On Saturday I escaped to the library for a few hours and found peace. By Sunday I was in need of some talk time. Didn't get any. There was no Al-Anon meeting. Instead it was an AA speaker meeting. I almost left because I felt very out of place. But I decided to stay because there might be something in the talk that I might need to hear. There was plenty. I am grateful that I stayed.

The Pardox was there. I spoke briefly to him. I don't know what to say to him any more. It's easy to communicate via e-mail but not so easy face-to-face. I know there is no chance of really getting to know him. He doesn't want to know me. He keeps his guard up and because I really don't know what he wants I keep mine up, too. I wish things were different. There are so many things I want to say to him or ask him but he won't let me get close enough to him. I miss Mac.

Snow was predicted for today. Woke up to no snow. I didn't really expect any. Wasn't really wanting any either to tell you the truth. I'd just as soon go to work and get the next three weeks behind me.

Here I am several hours later.

The day went fine. The snow spit at us all day long but no accummulation. A lot of synchronicity today though.

The Nutcracker theme is very much alive and kicking in my classroom this year. Missie gave us a team name- The Mixed Nuts. Then we got caught up in the door decorating contest that our financial sponsor is having and we decided to run with the Nutcracker theme. It also helps us with the one student we have whose religious beliefs prohibit the commercial and religious icons of the season.

While I was at the library on Saturday I read the E. T. A. Hoffman version of The Nutcracker. The powerlessness of the character hit me several times but the theme of acceptance jumped off the pages as well.

Yesterday Dennis gave me copies of the CDs he bought at the lecture I wanted to attend earlier this fall. I am going to enjoy listening to them I think. The lady that sits behind me at Mass gave me an Advent Meditations booklet on the writings of Henri Nouwen. I know this name. I think he is quoted amid my mysticism research somewhere. I'll have to look him up again. I open the booklet to today's reading and that odd feeling of synchronicity hits me again. It says:

God Unmasks the Illusion of Power

Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.
Matthew 11:29

God chose powerlessness. God chose to enter into human history in complete weakness. That divine choice forms the center of the Christian faith. In Jesus of Nazareth, the powerless God appeared among us to unmask the illusion of power, to disarm the prince of darkness who rules the world, and to bring the divided human race to a new unity.

Through total and unmitigated powerlessness, God shows us divine mercy. The radical, divine choice to reveal glory, beauty, truth, peace, joy, and most of all, love in and through the complete divestment of power. It is very hard- if not impossible- for us to grasp this divine mystery.

Jesus, in all we do and say this Advent, may we follow your example of gentleness and humility.

Yep, I can see the whole story of the nutcracker unfolding in that reading, too. And then this afternoon I go to the post office to buy stamps. You guessed it- I got Nutcracker stamps.

The nutcracker speaks volumes to me because I have been hearing those old self-hate tapes in my head recently. I hear, "You're stupid. You're fat. You're ugly. You stink!" I find it hard to like myself at these times. It's hard to battle those tapes when they start particularly when I'm around my biological family. Their needs are so great and I can't meet them. I feel twisted and tied into a knot. So, naturally it is difficult for me to unwind enough to talk to people or feel like I fit in. Thank God I've got therapy tomorrow.

That reminds me of the conversation that I had with Sam this morning. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in therapy. I don't feel so stupid or insane.