It was an unusual mass this morning. First, the deacon chose to read the long form of the gospel, including the brackets which he usually avoids. Then one of the servers fainted in the middle of the reading. It was ever so dramatic, if you're into that sort of thing. But it was the message that caught my attention. He simply asked, "Have you ever wondered why you are here?"

I used to obsess over just that very subject. Once I ventured to answer it in the presense of my ex and he told me that I was here to take care of him. You know, at one time I simply wanted to feel needed. I wished for it. I prayed for it. And that is what I got. Joey needed me but he did not want me or truly love me. I learned the hard way that to merely be needed isn't enough, nor is it what I'm here for. I used to think it was for my vocation that I was put here- that I had something to teach. What I discovered is that I have much to learn.

In my spiritual quest I learned that we are all put here to glorify God and to love one another. That is our main purpose. How we do these two things is strictly up to each of us. I think we're each here to teach and to learn how to do these two things but at some point in our lives we lose our focus. Sometimes we may not regain it. I hope that I'm on my way to gaining clearer focus. Otherwise, I have no idea why I'm really here.

The ebb and flow of life- the changes that come and go- are a mystery to me. Mom has received a letter from the Medicaid Waiver program stating that she owes over $1000 and has 30 days in which to pay it. We don't have that kind of money. I guess we'll be looking for her a new home or she'll come back here. It's too bad really. She had just gotten herself back after being lost for so long. And Barry was making a little more headway. I hope that I'm wrong about this. I just put it in God's hands and it will work out.

This song just popped into my head as if someone was singing it to me. I know the song but I couldn't think of the title so I went looking for it the chorus about being tongue tied keeps jumping out at me. Not sure where this is coming from or what it means if anything.

Why Don't You and I

As sung by Santana
Remake by Nickelback

Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking 'round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feelin' like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world, be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this fever gonna break ?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
Get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
But about the same time you walk by
And I say oh here we go again, oh

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I'll say why don't you and I get together take and on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I`ll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again

No chemistry between myself and nice mechanic. Two phone calls later and no date.

I met a really nice man yesterday when I was having my oil changed. As far as I can tell there isn't anything wrong with him but I only just met him. I remember being told when I first came into Al-Anon that sick people attract sick people. I sure hope I'm not that sick any more. I'd like to attract healthy people. I don't want to take on anyone else's problems, to control, manipulate or fix anyone. I have enough problems of my own. I just want to be able to sit next to someone without worrying about what might or might not happen. To be able to sit in someone's presence and just be- to breathe in and out, to exist without trying to become someone else and to allow them to do the same.

Life takes a lot of twists and turns. Or should I say that the path I chose takes a lot of twists and turns? I'm not sure. I just know that sometimes I sit back and look at the events going on around me and I think, "Now how did I get here?" I watch people. I no longer analyze why they do what they do but I find myself wondering if I fell down the rabbit's hole and landed in Wonderland. In recovery I've learned to look at my actions and reactions, to not do anyone else's inventory. So, rather than question them, I find myself thinking about what I need to do to make the most of it.

I've been watching Sober House the past few weeks. Andy Dick is one of the celebrities on the show. I find myself looking at him and thinking how much he looks like Mike. He's got some of the same mannerism. I've always heard we each had a twin out there somewhere. I think Andy is his. It's so cool. But I have to remind myself that this sensitive guy I'm seeing on TV may not be his real self and that though he looks like Mike, he isn't Mike. Shoot, I don't even know what my relationship is with Mike! Are we friends? I can't be sure. We don't do anything together. It's a bit onesided. I value him but I think he views me as an oddity. Oh, I guess it doesn't really matter.

I do wish I had a close friend though. I enjoy my own company but once in a while I'd like to do something with someone other than my brother. Barry drags me down a lot.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

People who lean on logic and philosophy and rational exposition end by starving the best part of the mind.
-- W. B. Yeats

It's a bitter pill to swallow, but our intelligence only gets in the way when we're dealing with things that really count -- our feelings and how we express them.

Love is the be all and end all. If we are capable of loving, we have nothing to worry about. If we're having trouble expressing our loving nature, our priority must be to remove the barriers. One of those barriers is our belief in the overriding importance of our intelligence.

Intelligence is like good looks; they are both unearned. And we can be sure that our Creator does not evaluate us on the basis of how intelligent we are. If we ask, God will help us overcome our reliance on our intelligence and all other handicaps that keep us from expressing love.

The best part of my mind links me to others, and to God.
From: In God's Care by Karen Casey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My prayer today is that I will love unconditionally and look for God in others. Sometimes it is hard. Other times I have no problem at all.

The words to the following song have been kind of circling around my head. Not sure why.


Who Knew

As sung by Pink

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah uh huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

I let the fur fly last night. I finally told Mom and Barry how much they were taking advantage of me and taking me for granted. It was an eye opener for them both. I feel much better. Neither of them could understand why I was angry. But it doesn't matter. I got my feelings out there rather than repressing them.

I'm Moving On

As sung by Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on



I was thinking this afternoon about something I was told by two different recovery people. It's about the projects that I do. Each of them told me that they felt I did these things so that I didn't have to deal with myself. That's far from the truth. These projects are actually inventories for me. I exorcise demons and develop my assets. My latest project is the WWI book I did for the bicentennial. Now I'm working on an article about one of the WWI vets and I have offered to help with a piece on the WWII vets that are still living. I can't begin to tell you how therapuetic this is for me. It actually keeps me from doing bodily harm to my brother because I can tune him out and refocus.

I went to a meeting at Pulaski Elementary today. I was given a list of the student who are coming to me next year. I am hopeful about the way next year looks. The fact that I have already been given my roster tells me that I have been rehired. Nontenured teachers sometimes have to wait to hear such news. My next evaluation is tomorrow with the principal. We're covering money.

I was given a list of Adult Group Homes that have MHDD license yesterday by my therapist. It was a little bit daunting at first but I've given myself an assignment to call a few each day. Today I took the list to work and asked specific people if they'd ever heard of any on the list. No one was familiar with any of them. That was kind of troublesome. But then I came home and called three of them. The first one had the wrong number listed. The second didn't answer. The third one is a keeper. I went ahead and put Barry's name on the waiting list. It has a website that I pulled up. It looked wonderful! I figure it's a long shot but it's better to be safe than sorry. That third facility gave me a lot of hope.

I went by the bank after school today to see if we still had a checking or savings account for the Al-Anon group. The checking account is closed. But our prudent reserve was still there. Becky will have to meet with me one day after school to get the account updated. I went on and withdrew some money to order materials that we had talked about. I also want to get a P.O. Box for our mail to be sent to. Since we don't have rent, I think that would be a good idea. But ultimately it will be a group decision. I'm grateful we had that prudent reserve.

It snowed last night. Once again I marveled at the beauty and serenity of the silence that snow brings with it.

I wasn't sure about attending mass but I went on in any way. I am so glad that I did. There were only 18 of us in attendance. For a while I was afraid that I was going to be the only one. Slowly others came in. I volunteered to help with the counting today. That's a biggie for me that few realize. It's okay. God and I realize my defects.

Barry has already run through the week's worth of groceries that we secured for him on Friday. I'm not surprised but I am at the same time. He's said for the umpteenth time that he's not making it on his own and he's talked once again about a group home. I'm okay with him going. I just don't want it to be my decision. I don't want to be responsible for making the decision so that he can come back to lay guilt or blame on me. I feel like there ought to be some other people sharing the decision making process with Barry included. It is, after all, his life that we're talking about.

No school tomorrow. I just received the computer generated call about that. Not sure why. The snow has already melted.

I opted not to go to the Sunday night Al-Anon meeting tonight. I've got to ration my gas. Pay day is not until next Friday. I've got to stretch everything until then. It can be done. I do well to take care of myself sometimes. It's when others are added into the mix that I have problems.