Song of the Day

When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me
But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical
And they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am

Now watch what you say
Or they'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Oh won't you sign up your name
We'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable

At night when all the world's asleep
The questions run soo deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am

You know how a song just pops into your head? I just had one pop into mine but I'm not sure what I was thinking about before it did. I was looking for a link between myself and another person on Facebook. The site said we had one shared friend. I still haven't figured out who it is- it wasn't who I thought it would be. This other person has over 400 people in the friend list. Wow! I don't claim to have anywhere near that many. Truthfully, can you call that many people friend? I mean aren't they just acquaintances?

Long Run
As sung by the Eagles

I used to hurry a lot, I used to worry a lot,
I used to stay out till the break of the day.
Oh that didn't get it, it was high time, I quit it --
I just couldn't carry on that way.
Oh, I did some damage, I know it's true --
Didn't know I was so lonely till I found you.

Who can go the distance?
We'll find out in the long run.
(In the long run.)
We can handle some resistance
If our love is a strong one.
(Is a strong one )

People talkin' about us, they got nothin' else to do.
When it all comes down we will still come through
In the long run.
Ooh I want to tell you it's a long run.

You know I don't understand why you don't treat yourself better,
Do the crazy things that you do.
When all the debutantes in Houston, baby,
Couldn't hold a candle to you.
Did you do it for love, did you do it for money?
Did you do it for spite, did you think you had to, honey?

Who is gonna make it?
We'll find out in the long run.
(In the long run )
I know we can take it
If our love is a strong one.
(Is a strong one )

Well we're scared but we ain't shakin',
Kinda bent but we ain't breakin'
In the long run.
Ooh I want to tell you it's a long run.


Now that I look at the lyrics, I remembered what I was thinking about. The whole Facebook thing kinda brought back a thought to my head that I've had before and shaken off. It was about an old acquaintanceship (is that even a word?) that I had and had wanted to develop into something else at one time. Fear. Fear keeps me from pursuing a lot of the things I'd like to have for myself. But earlier today I had thought about e-mailing my old acquaintance because I wanted someone to tell me what was wrong with me. Like he could tell me that. It was a thought I dismissed because it would have been a futile conversation. I cared too much and shut down before I could get hurt. In doing so, I probably sent out the wrong message. It's water under the bridge. Why open that dam back up?

I love this song. It reminds me of Julia of Norwich's famous statement, "All is well and all shall be well." In that stement lies hope.

It's Alright

As sung by Huey Lewis and the News

They say it's alright
Say it's alright
It's alright, have a good time
Cause it's alright, whoa it's alright


Now we gonna move it slow
When the lights are low
When you move it slow
It feels like more
Cause it's alright
Whoa it's alright


Now listen to the beat
Kinda tap your feet
You got soul
Everybody knows that it's alright
Whoa it's alright


When you wake up early in the morning
Feeling sad like so many of us do
Hold a little soul
And make life your goal
And surely something's gotta come to you


And you gotta say it's alright
Say it's alright
It's alright, have a good time
Cause it's alright
Whoa it's alright


Someday I'll find me a woman
Who will love me and treat me real nice
Where my road has got to go
My love she will know from morning, noon
Until the night


And she's gotta say that it's alright
Say it's alright
It's alright, have a good time
Cause it's alright
Whoa it's alright
Now listen to the beat
Kinda tap your feet
You got soul
Everybody knows that it's alright
Whoa it's alright
You got soul
Everybody knows that it's alright
Whoa it's alright

It's hard to live in the moment. I keep beating myself up for quitting that job even though I was spending more to get to and from than I was bringing in in addition to gearing up for a nervous breakdown. I have to tell myself every so often during the day that I'm really doing fine. I have money in the bank, I'm almost finished with my master's degree, I'm living in a way better place than I was the past five years, etc. The problem is that I feel so alone. I am alone. I'm alone most of the day. This is one of the reasons I joined the YMCA. It's also the reason I volunteered to work at the Maury County Archives today. I'm hoping to worm my way into a paid position or at least gain some more experience to help me get a paying gig further down the line at another location.

Oh, I don't know what I want or what would make me happy. I just know that I'm not happy. Thankfully next week I will be back under the care of Centerstone. I'd like someone to tell me what is wrong with me. I don't feel right somehow. I thought about it today and I wonder if I'm just going through some awful grief process. Maybe I just need to have a good cry. Wish I knew. Wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me.

Anyway

as sung by Martina McBride
loosely based on the poem of the same name

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah, I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream
I love
Anyway



Well, I quit my job. I discovered that I no longer had the gift to work with the special needs population. It's official I'm not just burned out on teaching, I'm burned out on working with that whole population of individuals. I think it's because I'm surrounded by mental illness and mental retardation in my personal circle. Perhaps if I wasn't I could still work with special needs. I hate that I can't. Teaching was my first love.

I need a job. I want a job. But I can't do a job at the expense of my emotional and mental stability. I'm blessed to have had a 401K that I could cash in. It wasn't much but I can live off of it until another job opportunity comes along. Until one does come along I'm still pursuing my master's online with APU. I'm almost finished with it actually. I just have three courses and an internship to go. To get a local internship I may have to transfer to MTSU, but that's not something I have to worry about right this minure.

Oh, I included the song lyrics because the poem popped into my head when I was working with a particularly irritating co-worker. I would have put the poem here but the song seemed more appropriate for how I'm feeling today.

I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's EAT PRAY LOVE and Committed. I am gratefull for her penning the first book because I could so identify with the whole depression thing. I even take the same medication she did. A few years back I was on the enlightenment journey. I think maybe it's time to jump back on that trail. Oh, and as much as I like Julia Roberts, the movie based on the first book was horrible. Too many things were condensed or left out.

I hate my job! I want to like it. I want to feel a sense of fulfillment every time I clock in and out. But I don't. I just want to stay in bed pull the covers over my head and pretend that nothing else matters.