Last night that sense of urgency I felt sent me to a local grocery store. While in line at the cash register I had a chance to look at the DVD display and there it sat- In Good Company. This was the movie that I'd come across when I put Topher Grace's name in with A Course in Miracles. It was on sale. So, of course I bought it. I was going to watch the whole thing but Elyce called. Again I knew that I had stayed home so that I could talk to her. I found myself saying what I needed to hear.

Elyce and I met under the most unusual of circumstances 9 years ago. We reconnected when I attended my first Al-Anon assembly three years ago in Murfreesboro. Because of our bizarre history she thinks we are going to be life long friends. She may be right.

Our topic was victim vs. survivor. We're both survivors and sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

On My Own

From the movie, Fame

As sung by Irene Cara

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

Today was my last session individually with my therapist. I get a new one next month and I'll be in a group. She asked me what I thought I had learned this summer. There are many lessons. She acknowledged that I had come a long way in a short time partly because I am so determined to survive and because I have a program. I have a program! Finally, someone acknowledges that I have a program. She also asked me what my goals were. I want financial security, a home of my own and a healthy relationship. We got into some talk about how I never got to explore life when everyone else my age was. I told her I felt like a dinosaur. I also discussed my feelings of confusion based on things that were said this last year and I didn't hear that I was crazy.

I didn't tell her this but more than anything I want to have sense of belonging, that I fit in somewhere, that someone actually wants me with them. I don't want to be an after thought any more. It's not that I want to be all important but I do want someone to care. I don't feel like anyone gives much thought to me unless I make noise and I hate doing that. Couldn't I be loved and wanted without having to draw so much attention to myself? Do I have to continually squeek to get noticed?