I may be down but I'm not out. I pawned my bike for gas money so that I could go job hunting. I've got the wrecked truck sold but my neighbor hasn't paid me for it yet. I'm keeping afloat.

I am so proud of my brother! I was impressed with the progress that he has made in 3 short months. The change in medicine has been wonderful for him. He's calmer and talks to himself less. The change in eating habits is better too. His blood sugar is in the normal range for the first time. Unfortunately we learned on Monday just how much damage he'd done to his eyesight with his mismanagement of his diabetes. But there is hope in that, too.

He took the news of his apartment very well. In fact, he refers to his place in Lebanon as home now. I'm so glad. I was afraid he'd blow up on me.

Further news- I still don't have a job but I'm not giving up.

Tomorrow after mass I'll be picking up Barry from the group home. He's coming down to get his new glasses and to fill out a form to have a transcript sent from the high school to Cumberland University. He's in for a rude awakening. The apartment he once lived in is rented out. I figured it was time for closure for him. He needs to work on living in the present. He's like I used to be- he lives in the past while worrying over the future. Not an easy way to do this. I figured it was better to just rip the band aid off and go with it. Pray for me. This could get ugly.

Rock of Ages

Def Leppard

Gunter glieben glauchen globen
Alright
I got something to say
Yeah, it's better to burn out
Yeah, than fade away
All right
Ow
Gonna start a fire
Cmon!

Rise up! gather round
Rock this place to the ground
Burn it up let's go for broke
Watch the night go up in smoke
Rock on! (rock on!)
Drive me crazier, no serenade
No fire brigade, just pyromania, c'mon

What do you want? what do you want?
I want rock 'n roll, yes I do
Long live rock 'n roll

Oh let's go, let's strike a light
We're gonna blow like dynamite
I don't care if it takes all night
Gonna set this town alight, c'mon

What do you want? what do you want?
I want rock 'n roll, alright!
Long live rock 'n roll, oh yeah

Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', keep a-rollin'
Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', rocknrollin'

We got the power, got the glory
Just say you need it and if you need it
Say yeah!
Ooh yeah
Heh heh heh heh

Now listen to me
I'm burnin', burnin', I got the fever
I know for sure, there ain't no cure
So feel it, don't fight it, go with the flow
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme one more for the road

What do you want? what do you want?
I want rock 'n roll, you betcha
Long live rock 'n roll

Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', keep a-rollin'
Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', rock 'n rollin'

We got the power, got the glory
Just say you need it and if you need it
Say yeah!
Say yeah!
We're gonna burn this damn place down, woo hoo
Down to the ground

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh


I'm not really sure why this song popped into my head just now but I had the title all wrong. I thought the name of it was "Pyromania". There's something about that line "better to burn out than fade away" that speaks to me. It reminds me of Mollie who sat in on our Al-Anon meeting Monday night. It also reminds me of the movie "Rent", which I've also been thinking about today.

I went to an open AA meeting in Childersburg on July 2. The topic was pain. Ever since then the line from a song keeps going through my head- "this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees." It has dawned on me more than once about how we each have to hit a bottom, whether we are an alcoholic, addict or the family of one, before we will drop to our knees and seek out our Higher Power. It happened to me two years ago. And that time where I prostated myself at His feet has made all the difference in me.

Here I am two years after that in a similiar situation without any of that anxiety that I had before. I'm still in prayer but my faith has multiplied to the point that I don't worry as I used to. Oh, I slip now and then because I'm human but I quickly get myself back on the narrow path.

I used to worry about falling so short of that mark of perfection. I don't bother with that any more. I do not strive to be perfect because it would be a hopeless, useless ideal to chase. I will never be perfect. But I can be a better version of what I used to be and that is what I strive to become.

Alley came back yesterday. Wish she could tell me how she got out and where she's been. Cocoa came up dead in the parking lot by the most unusual circumstances. Wish Barry's cat could tell me what happened as he saw the whole thing.

You know, I believe our pets are loyal and that's great but it sure would be nice to be privy to what they know.


Della and the Dealer

As sung by Hoyt Axton

It was Della and a dealer and a dog named Jake,
And a cat named Kalamazoo,
Left the city in a pick-up truck.
Gonna make some dreams come true.
Yeah, they rolled out west where the wild sun sets,
And the coyote bays at the moon.
Della and a dealer and a dog named Jake,
And a cat named Kalamazoo.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Down Tucson way there's a small cafe,
Where they play a little cowboy tune.
And the guitar picker was a friend of mine,
By the name of Randy Boone.

Yeah, Randy played her a sweet love song,
And Della got a fire in her eye.
The Dealer had a knife and the dog had a gun,
And the cat had a shot of rye.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Yeah, the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean,
And he was jealous of the fire in her eyes.
He snorted his coke through a century note,
And he swore that Boone would die.

And the stage was set when the lights went out,
There was death in Tucson town.
Two shadows ran for the bar back door,
But one stayed on the ground.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Two shadows ran from the bar that night,
And a dog and a cat ran too.
And the tires got hot on the pickup truck,
As down the road they flew.

It was Della and her lover and a dog named Jake,
And a cat named Kalamazoo.
Left Tucson in a pickup truck.
Gonna make some dreams come true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Gratitude list for today:

AA, Al-Anon, Alley even though she was only with for a little while, air conditioning, apartment
Barry
Cocoa, Charlotte, cable, clean clothes
Diet Coke
Elyce
Faith, family, friends
God, grace
Hope
Ice, internet
Jerri- my new AA friend in Childersburg, Jimmy
Krystals
Linda
Mass, meditation, Mom, Marian
Note books
Okra
Prayer, Phillip even though he's beginning to get on my nerves
Question marks
Rosary,radio
Silence, serenity
Tomatoes, tape recorders, telephone
Understanding
Voice mail
Windows, Wal-Mart
Xena
Yvonne
Zinnias

I'm visiting with Linda until Tuesday. Since I got here yesterday I've put in application at the local school board and met her recovery community. I got my hair cut today, too.

I don't know. I'm mixed up about what tomorrow holds. No job. Not sure what will come later. Have to have hope.