Ironic

As sung by Alanis Morissette

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think

Chorus:
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
'Well isn't this nice...'
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think

Repeat Chorus

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

Repeat Chorus

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

I woke up about 4:00 this morning to go to the bathroom and could not go back to sleep. I began to feel some intense anger about a lot of situations. I tried to shake the feelings. I wound up giving myself a head ache from all the gritting of my teeth. I was only able to go back to sleep when I asked God to take the feelings from me. But my headache remained. In fact, my whole body felt like it was tight. So, I tried something I used to do- visualization. I sent myself (in my head) somewhere else. I went to the water and floated down the river. In my head I could hear a Garth Brooks song playing in the distance. That's kind of funny because I used to hear Queen's "Sail Away, Sweet Sister". But this morning it was "The River."

The River

As sung by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

Sleep eluded me last night. My legs were hurting. I had not drank enough fluids yesterday. When I did manage to fall asleep, I had some crazy dreams. One I remember clearly. I was teaching those teenagers at KDS again. Harold and TJ were very real to me in my dream. They were training for Special Olympics. Now, this county has the games coming up on Thursday but they aren't on the scale of what I'm used to. That may be why I dreamed that or it could be because I miss couching. Believe it or not I was once a Special Olympics basketball, track and field and bowling coach. I've got pictures to prove it.

It seems to me that in those days I was physically healthier because I was required to be somewhere at all times. I either had to pick up kids for practice, train them, get them to a game, etc. or I had a long to-do list that I was working on. I was more neurotic then because I was trying so hard to be perfect, in control. These days I have the feeling that I've lost my edge somewhere. I no longer have to-do lists and I put things off to the last minute, telling myself that I have plenty of time. It seems to me that I need to find some balance.

Currently I've put off doing the evaluations on my assistance. I'm afraid that something will come back to bite me on these. But if I just merely tell the truth and let it go maybe things will work out.

I tried getting Cocoa to the vet this morning but she got away. She's got to be checked out. One of the stray calicos outside has the same condition. The fur is coming off the hind quarters and the lower part of the belly. It's like she's got some kind of skin irritation. But I noticed that she was constipated, too. I'm wondering if she might have worms, on top of everything else.

Do you ever remember your dreams?

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I remember them very clearly- almost as if I was there.

The past few nights I've been dreaming about looking for someone. One night I was at a class reunion (maybe because I have one coming up); another night I was a teacher to some teenagers (like I once was many years ago).

Last night's dream is a little fuzzy except that there were two songs that kept playing over and over. I woke up with one of the songs in my head and for the life of me I can't remember the other song.

I know that our dreams mean something, that we try to figure out the problems in our waking state while we sleep. So who am I looking for? Apparently it's someone very important to me. I guess I'll never figure that out.

At any rate, I did look up the words to the song that I remembered and if it's supposed to mean something I don't know what it is. I haven't had a fight with anyone and to my knowledge I haven't lied to anyone. I guess it could represent my ex-husband (we did fight and I did lie to him to protect myself) but I'm not looking for him and have every intention of staying away from him. Being emotionally, mentally and physically abused is not my idea of love.

Then, I had another train of thought. Maybe it's not about having an actual fight. Maybe it's about needing to get some things off my chest. And maybe I'm not the one who has lied. Maybe it's the other person. But I still don't know who it is. I don't come into contact with many people who I'd categorize as special.

But it could be about trust, too. While we waited for Vicki on Wednesday for lunch, MJ and I had a long talk. I told her about some of the latest developments in my life because she asked. When I got to the part about my bff she was appalled that Linda would do some of the things she's been doing. It was like she was sabotaging things for me. Why? MJ knows how fiercely independent I am and how proud. She couldn't believe that Linda was arranging things without my input. But it floored her even more that she was e-mailing two of my friends. She has overstepped some major boundaries. I can't be too angry at her. She serves as my mirror- she's doing the things I used to do. These days I've let go of trying to control anything but myself and even then I my controls over self aren't so rigid.


Around the World

As sung by Lisa Stansfield

Spoken:
I don’t know where my baby is
But I’ll find him, somewhere, somehow
I’ve got to let him know how much I care
I’ll never give up looking for my baby

Chorus:
Been around the world and I, I, I
I can’t find my baby
I don’t know when, I don’t know why
Why he’s gone away
And I don’t know where he can be, my baby
But I’m gonna find him

We had a quarrel and I let myself go
I said so many things, things he didn’t know
And I was oh oh so bad
And I don’t think he’s comin’ back, mm mm

He gave the reason, the reasons he should go
And he said so many things he never said before
And he was oh oh so mad
And I don’t think he’s comin’, comin’ back

I did too much lyin’, wasted too much time,
Now I’m here a’cryin’, I, I, I

Chorus

So open hearted, he never did me wrong
I was the one, the weakest one of all
And now I’m oh oh so sad
And I don’t think he’s comin’ back, comin’ back

I did too much lyin’, wasted too much time,
Now I’m here a’cryin’, I, I, I

Chorus x 2

I’m gonna find him, my baby

I did too much lyin’, wasted too much time,
Now I’m here a’cryin’, I, I, I

Chorus

I’ve been around the world, lookin’ from my baby
Been around the world, and I’m gonna
I’m gonna find him

Chorus


I've had some time to think about this thing called trust. It's been a topic I've journaled on a lot. It's hard for me to trust people when I don't feel like they're being totally honest with me- like they're holding something back. But then I hold back, too. So, I must be kind of hypocritical here, huh?

Just now I heard a song on the TV that jarred a memory. It was almost like I heard the rebuttal at the same time. There's a poem (I don't remember the name of it right off hand) where a shephard is talking to his love. Years later came the love's reply by another poet. These songs in my head are kind of like that.

Strong Enough

As sung by Sheryl Crow

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

That song spoke to me. It's the same old co-dependent nature coming out. A lie used to be okay if it meant I wasn't alone. The rebuttal seems to come from a healthier stance.


Strong Enough to Be Your Man

As sung by Travis Tritt

I know there's times
You've been tormented by the questions in your mind
Will our love last
Or simply fade away as time begins to pass
You're a complicated lady that's for sure
With a need for someone unafraid to make you feel secure
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to be your man
Yes,I am
Yes,I am

Don't let yourself imagine it's a lie
I'm not the kind to turn and say goodbye
And though you test my soul
And make yourself so hard to hold
I'm gonna make you understand
I'm strong enough to be your man

Do you believe
When I look in your eyes and swear
I'll never leave
What will it take
To make you know that what we have is here to stay
Yes,I know that you've been loved and left before
But I promise you won't ever see me walking out the door
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to your man
Yes,I am
Yes,I am

But maybe the rebuttal also comes from a co-dependent nature. Who knows? I can't analyze things any more or I don't want to. All I know is that I'm kind of in the Eliza Doolittle mode right now. She told her beau to stop talking of love and show her. I think actions speak louder than words. But at times the actions are so opposite from the words spoken that I get confused.

Show Me

From My Fair Lady

Freddy:
Speak and the world is full of singing,
And I'm winging Higher than the birds.
Touch and my heart begins to crumble,
The heaven's tumble, Darling, and I'm...

Eliza:
Words! Words! Words!
I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above;
If you're in love,
Show me!

Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire.
If you're on fire,
Show me!

Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat!
Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch?
Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me!

Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow.
Show me now!
Sing me no song!
Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all!
Show me!

Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Day one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms
Hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine,"
Show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!


* I looked up the two poems. They are "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" by Christopher Marlowe and "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd" by Sir Walter Raleigh.

Spring break is almost over. In some ways I don't feel as if I have accomplished anything at all. But in inactivity there has been progress. Sometimes the most progress comes from merely standing still.

I had plans. The old me would have been all over them and then some. I would have taken control of things and pushed on no matter how much my body hurt or how tired I was. I chose to rest, to rejuvenate.

I reconnected with old friends, two of the three muskateers, and may have reforged a fragil link with a new friend. That says a lot to me.

I've begun a few projects- I'm getting better at finishing the things I start- they are almost done. Yeah, I know. Almost only counts in horse shoes. It's what I used to tell my students.

I have transformed spiritually but it's not complete yet- may never be. My mother attended mass with me last night. That meant a great deal to me.

Life keeps coming at me whether I stand still or hit the ground running. These days I choose to enjoy the scenery, sit still.

The Impossible

As sung by Joe Nichols

My dad chased monsters from the dark
He checked underneath my bed
He could lift me with one arm
Way up over top his head
He could loosen rusty bolts
With a quick turn of his wrench
He pulled splinters from his hand
Never even flinched
In thirteen years I'd never seen him cry
But the day that grandpa died,I realized

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

And then there was my junior year
Billy had a brand new car
It was late,the road was wet
I guess the curves was just too sharp
I walked away without a scratch
They brought the helicopter in
And Billy couldn't feel his legs
Said he'd never walk again
But Billy said he would and his mom and daddy prayed
And the day we graduated,he stood up to say:

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

So don't tell me that it's over
Don't give up on you and me
'Cos there's no such thing as hopeless
If you believe:

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible


I keep seeing these signs around town that say, "Nothing is too hard for God." I decided that it was some sort of church campaign so I looked it up on-line. It is a campaign but I don't think it is affiliated with one set denomination. I think it's a non-denominational thing. At any rate I went even forther because it reminded me of a biblical passage. Here's what I found:

"Behold, I am Yehovah-Elohim over all flesh; is anything too difficult for me?"
Jeremiah 32:27

"For truly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it shall move; and nothing shall be impossible to you."
Matthew 17:20

"With God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:26

"Looking upon them, Jesus said, 'With men it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.'
Mark 10:27

"For nothing will be impossible with God."
Luke 1:37

These are things to think about. Faith is not blind; it's visionary. All things are, in deed, possible if it is within God's will.

Then I looked again at the saint I chose as my patron saint for intercessory prayer- St. Rita. She's known as the patron saint of the impossible cases. I even found a prayer that fit the quotes above:

"O God, who in thine infinite tenderness has vouchsafed to regard the prayer of thy servant, Blessed Rita, and dost grant to her supplication that which is impossible to human foresight, skill and efforts, in reward for her compassionate love and firm reliance on thy promise, have pity on our adversary and succor us in our calamities, that the believer may know thou art the recompense of the humble, the defense of the helpless, and the strength of those who trust in thee, through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen

I know that all things are possible- last year I received proof of it. I will not pursue anything hence forth without first praying for God's will.

*************************************************************************************

I spent 3 hours with Vicki and Mary Jo. Lisa was too sick to join us. I think we pissed the waitress off by eating and then sitting there for 2 more hours. Hey, she got a tip from each of us.

Vicki's having problems with her oldest son. Jeremy has been exposed to the drug world too much by his only male role model, her cousin. She's also going crazy about her grandmother's situtation.

Mary Jo is worrying herself to death. Her psorisis (did I spell that right?) has gotten worse. It's her nerves. She's already taking medication for anxiety but maybe she needs to have it changed.

It's good to spend time with my sisters. Vicki was later getting there than MJ. I voiced some concern and MJ said maybe that was a part of God's plan. I think she's right. She, more than anyone from HPES, seems to understand where I come from. I told her about being in therapy again and she smiled. She said something about me no longer having my sisters to talk to and that was why I needed therapy. I think she's right. I need the talk time that I don't get anywhere else. Just as Melanie, the therapist, suggested that the recovery groups were about safe socialization and now the church allows me that opportunity.

This week's topic in my on-line Al-Anon group is one-liners. It's amazing how many people are sharing on that topic. They don't just contribute one, they share 4 or 5 at a time. It makes doing the Focus on CAL difficult because I don't want to repeat one that's already been done. So, I chose to do one from Courage to Change, p. 153: "Expectations are premeditated resentments." I could have followed it up (but I didn't) with another one from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon: "Resentments are where I mark myself as a victim."

It's hard not to have expectations. I guess now I look at it as wishful thinking rather than expecting something. In some ways a wish seems less harmful to my psyche.

Not sure what today will hold but I hope it brings peaceful thinking. I've got projects to work on- evaluations of my assistants, handmade books for my students, a new Al-Anon meeting tonight at 5:30 in the Public Library meeting room and an article for the Giles County Historical Society Bulletin for next year. I think I have enough to do to keep from being bored.

Boy, am I glad that I did my journaling for today on expectations! I was the only one to show up tonight at the library for a meeting. I really did not anticipate anyone else coming. If I had had the expectation I'd have been highly upset.

For some reason the song, With or Without You, has popped into my head and I can't shake it. Don't know why I am hearing it.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Who in my life will make me happy? Do I look to others when I'm feeling discouraged, sad, or lonely? Do I want someone to help me feel better?

I hold within myself the ability to be happy. I don't have to put expectations on others to make me feel loved or special. I don't have to look for a new relationship to be happy. I can find it within me. When I try to be happy because of other people, it means they have the power to take my happiness away. When I make myself happy, I'm the one in control of my emotions.

Today I will remember that I'm the one who's responsible for my happiness, not someone else. I don't have to look for someone else to fix my low self-esteem or attitude. Even though I can be upset by some people or feel happy when I'm with others, I'm the one who's creating these feelings because I have the ability to do so.

The only person who makes me feel a certain way is me.
From: Time to Fly Free by Judith R. Smith

*************************************************************************************

I guess I'm free advertising for Hazelden. I like the reading. It's similar to one found in Courage to Change, one of the Al-Anon CAL. It's something I need to remember.

It also reminds me of a conversation I had with Marian Saturday night. She was telling me something about two of her daughters and dating. She says she tells them "Don't get married unless you're absolutely sure. Ask yourself if you can live without them in your life." I think she's got it wrong. I think it's more like - I can live without the person but I don't want to. I'm not there yet.

This morning I attended an Al-Anon meeting in Lawrenceburg. Poor Joanne looked so happy to see me when I pulled up that I thought she'd bust a gut. She lit up when Marian came into the room. Even though there were only three of us I think it was a productive meeting. Afterward I went to lunch with Marian at Square 40. It was a nice morning.

When I returned to Pulaski I stopped by the library to do some further research into the tornadoes that have come through Giles County. I want to do an article about them for the Historical Society bulletin for next year's bicentennial. I spent a few hours there when in walked Paulette, a former Al-Anon member. I've been seeing her at church and I've not gone up and spoke to her. I don't think she remembers me from Al-Anon. At any rate when she came into the library today I discovered that we are kin. Surprise! Surprise! When we got to talking she reintroduced herself and said that she thought she knew me from somewhere. I just told her that she knew me from church. The other wasn't that important.

Since I've been home I've been working on an article but I've also been looking at my cat, Cocoa. I don't know how you can tell if an animal has manges. I'm not even sure that I'm spelling that correctly. All I know is that she has a lot of fur missing from her hind quarters. We may be paying the vet a visit soon.

Vicki called me today. I'm meeting the Three Muskateers for lunch on Wednesday. Afterward I may go swimming.

Oh, yeah, I've learned a lot about the paradox from his mother without fishing. And then today he e-mailed me. I think he likes the attention. Can't help but love him.

Word from the perpetual calendar:

Serenity is nature's most beautiful gift to the heart.


Godspell was on TV today. I have seen it before but I didn't remember too much about it. I did remember one song because I learned it in Girl Scouts. When I hear it today and see the lyrics I see the way of the mystic. I have no idea where Fredric Nietzsche comes into play. I'll hae to look that up.

Day by Day

As found in Godspell


[FREDRIC NIETZSCHE]
Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

[CHORUS]
Oh...

[FREDRIC NIETZSCHE]
Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

[FREDRIC NIETZSCHE AND CHORUS]
Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day

Day by day by day by day...


Last night was confirmation in Fayetteville. I felt like I was in Wonderland again. I was very disconnected from myself. I guess I felt that way because no one had clued me in with what would take place. Marian and I were very confused.

The choir was wonderful. We both enjoyed the music and said we'd like to go back some time and just hear the choir.

I enjoyed my time with Marian. Sometimes talking to her makes me feel better even if there are things that I can't talk over with her. I guess those will fall to my therapist. We did talk about someone that we are concerned about- her son. She says that she does see him as relatively shy. Funny. He doesn't appear that way to me. But then I don't appear shy to people and I am at different times. I didn't tell her much about her son just that Linda had tried to be helpful and it had backfired. Mike's not talking to me now. I wish there was something I could say or do to fix that.

Marian and I also talked about dating. She's glad that I didn't jump into dating after my divorce. Once bitten, twice shy. I told her about Sam and explained that I really would like that to turn into a friendship. I'm not romantically inclined toward him. I don't know him well enough for that. She asked me about Mac. I still miss him but his mood swings were a little more than I could handle. I went through that with Joey. I told her that I liked her son and if he'd bend a little I could see us as very good friends. He keeps throwing up a wall. I sent two of the scrap booking pages that I did for him through her. He'll probably trash them. But I hope not.

I didn't go to mass today. Marian told me that I didn't have to as I had gone last night for a few hours. I felt kind of lost and guilty about not going. I was tired and achy but I felt that I should be at church. But instead I spent some quality time with my mother. I came back here and napped for 2 hours.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
- Soren Kierkegaard

One of Mark Twain's most interesting writings states we should live life backwards from the age of eighty to the time we were just a gleam in someone's eye. How much more we'd learn, he felt, if we already knew how to live before we had to.

We may fantasize sometimes about going back with the tools of the program we're using today to our families, our high schools, or our dating years. It may please us to think of how "together" we would be with such tools, knowing what we know now.

But we can't live backwards. Every year we move along in age, experience, maturity, and wisdom. Sometimes we only see such growth on birthdays, when we look back to a year ago at who we were then and who we are now. As our years advance, so do we. Sometimes we need to take a brief look backward in order to see this.

Today I'll remember that to see my growth all I have to do is look at where I was a year ago. I have advanced in age, but I've also advanced in wisdom and maturity.
From: Night Light by Amy E. Dean

I find this newsletter both synchronistic and funny. I want an Easter miracle for myself. I want validation that what I've seen and heard are so. I guess that makes me a descendent of the apostle Thomas. I have to see things to believe.

So, when I received this newsletter this morning I just had to share it. It's not that everything that is in it are my thoughts but some come pretty close. The title drew me in.

I also have to realize that my Easter miracle may be self-will rather than God's will.


The ACIM Mentor Newsletter
March 21, 2008

Miracles Are Easy But Resistance is Strong

"The name of Jesus is the name of one who was a man but saw the face of Christ in all his brother and remember God. So he became identified with Christ, a man no longer, but at one with God." (C-5.2)

This quote from A Course in Miracles used to piss me off. I wanted to attain Christ Consciousness, too, but I just wanted to be Christ, I didn't want to have to see Christ everywhere. This was so contrary to the way that I understood things worked! If I was Christ, why would I see Christ everywhere? It didn't make sense. Wasn't I supposed to find God within? Why did I have to change what I was seeing in the world? I couldn't make the connection between myself and what I was seeing in the world.

And yet this was the central teaching of the Course! Everything is Mind; we only see our own minds, we are always teaching ourselves what we are by what we choose to perceive. I was so resistant I made the simplest thing - a miracle - so difficult. Let me give you an example of how easy a miracle is:

You're sitting in a waiting room waiting for your car to get a lube job. There's an obese, sloppy man sitting across from you picking his nose. The ego always speaks first so the moment you see him the ego goes off in your mind: "Look at this pig. He's so fat! His ugly, hairy stomach is sticking out of his shirt and it's so disgusting. And look at those clothes! Just because he's fat that's no reason to wear dirty clothes with holes in them. Geesh. Gag, look, he's picking his nose!" etc. These thoughts don't make you feel so good so you stop and you decide you are going to extend God's Love - a miracle - instead. You can do this with your eyes opened or closed. So you turn your mind inward and you remember that only God is really present and you allow yourself to feel this. You extend this awareness out from your mind to fill the room and encompass all you see. Suddenly you are taking a deep breath and relaxing. You are filled with peace and joy. You look over at the man and catch his eye and you smile because you are so filled with joy that you just want to give and give and give. He smiles back. You want to laugh because he has no teeth and just a few seconds ago that would have driven you crazy and now you see how it is nothing. All of it is nothing. Only God is Real and God is Everywhere. A miracle has occurred: You have changed your mind.

For the heavy, sloppy man you can substitute anything: Pictures of starving children; a car accident you are driving past; your teenager screaming in your face; your boss firing you, etc. Remember, there is no order of difficulty in miracles. Every illusion of separation is the same and every miracle that undoes it is the same.

Changing your mind so simply does not seem so difficult, does it? And yet students tell me all the time how hard it is to do this. And I remember how hard it was for me. What is difficult is not the mechanics of the miracle but finding the motivation to do it. The ego knows that something is going on that does not involve it in any way. If you happen to slip a miracle by it, it will attack viciously. It will tell you nothing real happened just because you thought lovey-dovey thoughts and felt good. It will downplay it and try and push it out of your mind. Though you remember how good you felt if you listen to the ego you will resist doing it again and wonder why you feel so far from God.


In time, miracles motivate more miracles because you want to be at peace and you become willing to do what you have to do to be at peace. But in the beginning the ego's resistance is strong. Make no mistake: As simple as it is, a miracle is a profound moment that undoes the ego and the ego knows it. You are never the same after a miracle and the world is never the same for you after a miracle. Through a miracle you learn that you don't live in the world; you live in your thoughts about the world. You decide what the world is for you based on what you want for yourself: Separation from God or Oneness with God. The world as the ego sees it is a great deception and extending a miracle is how you undeceive yourself. You are Christ, you are One with God and the only way to know it is to extend this awareness to the part of your mind that seems to be the world. It's that simple.

************************************************************************************

I went to see my therapist today. I was tired. I ache all over and I'm stressed out over a lot of stuff. Melanie said she couldn't quite put her finger on what she was seeing in my face but she said I was definitely far from being serene. We talked for a while.

I'm bummed out by my family again. To feel any sense of serenity I have to stay away from them. Melanie said that I could go around my family and keep my serenity if I realized that it was they who needed to change. What? I have no control over my family. They are who they are- they're not about to change. I think it's best if I just keep ducking and dodging them.

I told Melanie about the newsletter from my ACIM mentor. I told that the guy picking his nose represents my family. She went, "Wow!" She complimented me on forgiving them. But I don't really have that going on as much as she might think. I resent the hell out of my family. I really feel like I was left with nothing when my father died. I was angry with him for a long time.

I talked to her about the paradox and my confusion. She said it sounded like Mike was just as confused as I am. She asked me if I could be satisfied if Mike and I had just a really close friendship. I think I could. I just need to have my role explained to me. Sometimes it feels like he's put me on this pedastal and at other times he's dug a hole and completely buried me.

I talked to her about Linda. She commented on Linda's lack of boundaries. She's right, of course, but I can't blame Linda for all that has gone on. I played a part in it, too. She felt like she was rescuing her sister. It's the enabler in her.

I also talked to her about Sam. She knows him and says he is just the sweetest guy. I know that Sam is a sweet guy. But he's got a lot of problems. He's in therapy and he is working on them. I think he's going to turn out to be just a very good friend.

We talked about the Easter vigil tomorrow night. I want to be excited but what I feel is this sense of utter, I don't know what word to use, soberness, maybe. I just feel like I'm finally getting the whole thing. Why wasn't all this shown to me before now? I'm grateful that Marian is going with me but I kind of wish I had someone from my biological family going. Mom wants to but she is limited physically. It makes me feel even more isolated.

I told Melanie that I was fine with that. I have to be. I'm making myself be fine with it. I can't change my family. I explained to her how negative my family is and how they are constantly bringing up the things I did in the past. Even positive celebrations seem to have some sort of negative memory from my past attached to it. That being the case, I'm glad none of them are going with me. But it doesn't prevent me from hurting over it. Melanie says I'm going through some bizarre grief situation with my family. I think she's right.

So, once I've made peace with it what will I have left? I've been given an assignment to find myself some social situations and to do something just for me this week while I'm off. I plan to go swimming a few times next week in Lewisburg at the Recreation Center. I just want to soak in the jacuzzi. My bones ache so much.

I've seen this commercial for TiVo a few times and heard this artist. Until then, I'd never heard her sing before.

Love Song

As sung by Sara Bareilles

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it’s too soon to see
If I’m happy in your hands

I’m unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you’ll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
’cause I believe there’s a way you can love me
Because I say
I won’t write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There’s a reason to
Write you a love song today


I'm not sure I totally agree with the sentiments of the song. I think it might be better to have generic love songs, aimed at brotherly love. That reminds me of the song that was a part of the Cocoa Cola commercials from my youth:

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees, and honey bees,
and snow white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to buy the world a Coke
To keep it company.

Then I think about what the song is actually saying and I have two trains of thought in reference to the movie, The Rainmaker. The sheriff in the movie is a divorced man whose wife left him with a traveling salesman (I think). He's led everyone to believe that he's a widower because he wants to save his pride. Out of respect to him everyone in town goes along with his farce. Until Lizzie has a conversation with him about it. She asks him what really happened and then questions him as to whether he asked his wife to stay. His answer was in the negative because he felt that he shouldn't have to.

On the one hand I agree with that. If you've laid your heart and soul out there for someone I'm not so sure you should have to make such a request. It would seem to me that by baring your feelings it would be implied that you wanted them to remain. I think that's how the sheriff felt.

On the other hand, what if you have been less than forth coming with your true feelings or you've ran hot and cold? It might be in order to write your feelings out in a love song.

I guess the way I see it- if you are serious about someone just come out and say it. Speak from the heart. Risk being hurt. Tell the other person what your intentions are. Life's too short to play games. I did that a lot. I was such a tease and then I'd sabotage the whole thing because I was afraid. That's no way to live.

When I finally took the plunge I got my heart broke. But I can live with myself knowing that I gave it my best shot. I didn't run from something because it was different from what others had. I didn't run from it because he couldn't make up his mind about who he was and what he wanted. It did not end because I wished it to. It ended because he made choices that did not include me in his life. He was the one who ran.

If I have the opportunity to take the plunge again I will do so with gusto!

Well, so far it's been an interesting week.

Monday morning Sam came running out of the cafeteria and almost tackled me as I walked up the hall with Daniel to the office. He had news about our upcoming high school reunion. It seems he had bumped into another person from our class who had already received his invitation and the thing is going to take place in Rogersville to the south of us. The cost per person would be $125. What! Why would I pay that much money to rub elbows with people that I either didn't know or couldn't tolerate? I guess it means that yet again I will not be attending my class reunion.

Yesterday Sam wandered into my room to pass the time of day. We reminisced about some of the people we both knew from high school although he and I never had classes together. I listened and discovered how much he hated his former self. I also heard how much of a controlling family he has- he still listens to his older sister and mother as if he was a child. There was a lot of judgment being passed on his part as we talked about the two Marks- Mark Cummins and Mark Raye. I really liked both of those guys. Mark Cummins and I were fairly good friends. We saved each others bacon a few times. Mark Raye and I worked on the high school newspaper together. He was a gifted artist and all around funny guy. Sam knew that Mark C. had died from AIDS and of course he passed judgment. Mark R. he revealed had an alternative life style as well and like to dress in drag. So?

I'm just not sure that this is going to work out. Right now my whole focus is on myself and my part in things. Yes, I see other people's choices but I don't judge them. Mainly what I do is look at how it affects me. Most of the time it has nothing whatsoever to do with me at all.

I received the evaluation forms from the principal to do on the assistants. They are due soon. This is not going to be pretty. They spend more time on their cell phones and the computer than they do with the children. I really need to work on an idea to get them out of the room with children in tow so that they do their jobs. Even when I gave two of them new schedules they don't follow them. Each day there is an excuse as to why they can't take a child out to recess or down for AR in Mrs. Bailey's room. It gets frustrating. I know I'm not good at communicating with others what I want them to do but I would think at some point common sense would come into play.

I've found a meeting place for a new Al-Anon group. The public library has a meeting room downstairs that can be used for free. I've tenatively set aside Tuesdays from 5:30-6:30. We'll see what happens. I went to a meeting last night in Lawrenceburg. Elmer was there. I don't know what I've done for him to dislike me so but he really has taken an instant disliking to me. I guess I shouldn't let it get to me but so many people put stock in his opinion.

Last night I decided that I need to have a little more faith in myself and my relationship with my Higher Power. If I believe something is so or have an indication that something is so, I should hold to it and not let myself be swayed.

I'm looking for the lyrics to a particular song. It's called "Would You" and it is found on the Joe Reed album entitled "Have You Kissed Any Frogs Today?" I've thought about the song several times in recent weeks. I'm attempting to borrow the album from Mom. There's a lot in the song that I can identify with.

Q's mother called today out of the blue twice. It seems my boy has some different behaviors that have sprung to life. My heart aches for him. He really needs mental health treatment. How is it that the system lets these mothers abuse their kids or neglect them in this way? Reports have been filed and still nothing gets done. I sure hope Florida has a better system down there.

I need to get my feelings out here in this blog because if I don't I will explode. This is actually not my first attempt. I had typed a few lines when my neurotic cat lay down next to the keyboard and deleted all that I had typed. I regrouped. I walked away and went to check on my breakfast in the oven and came back. Still pissed off about what I began typing about but not angry with my cat.

I never knew how much I affected Joey when I tried to "help" him or nudge him in a particular direction. I must have pissed him off royally. It doesn't feel so good when I'm on the receiving end.

I mentioned once in passing to Linda that I might explore the lap band surgery or the gastro-bipass(This conversation came after an OB-GYN appoinment.). The next think I know she's sending me information via e-mail and snail mail. My intention was to research both surgeries on-line and request information sent to my home. I can do some things for myself. It totally pissed me off when she did that. But I over looked it because she's my best friend. But every time we get on the telephone she starts talking about "when you have your surgery". I'm so bummed out with the topic that I just quit looking into it.

She does not realize what a big deal this is for me. I've never been in the hospital except to stay with people who've just had some procedure done. I've never had any kind of major surgery. I've had a few outpatient procedures and that's it. I've been in the emergency room a few times but only at times when the doctor's office is closed. I don't go to the doctor unless I'm half dead. I don't like doctors. I really needed to do this research at my own pace.

Then I mention to her that I'd like her to meet some of my friends. The next thing I know she and Elyce are exchanging letters via snail mail. That was okay. I didn't really care one way or another. Then it was e-mails. The next thing I know I'm no longer hearing from my friend Elyce. At first it didn't bother me. Elyce's e-mails are filled with "Calvin did this" and "Calvin did that". The first 100 e-mails you get like that you just begin to delete.

When she e-mailed Mike she crossed the line. I know her intentions were good. She was trying to reach out to another single person in recovery. She was networking. Her intention is to gather up singles in recovery to get them in one spot for roundups or retreats because she feels like the third wheel when only couples attend. She's right it is a lonely feeling. But she's so flirtateous that I think he took offense and thought we were talking about him in a different way. I honestly had not said much about him to Linda in that way. I've talked about how much I admire and respect him. I've told of his weird personality that matches mine and that's about it. I told her that we had made up nick names for each other. recently. Now, he's pissed at me. He's no longer e-mailing me. That's saddens me because I regard him as someone special. He seems to totally "get" me and that is rare.

Now I mention that I might want to attend an Al-Anon retreat in Cullman, Alabama she totally takes over and arranges a place for both of us to stay. The retreat is at a Catholic abbey. Did it ever occur to her that I might want to soak up that atmosphere now that I am prosuing Catholicism and will be confirmed next Sunday? Geez.

She's been at it in other ways, too. She's attempting to plan a girl's weekend with Elyce and I without consulting either of us about what we might like to do. Last night she talked about coming up here in April for a visit. I think she knows I'm pissed off at her. I've been rather distant. I just feel like she's taken over my life.

But I think I might be getting a dose of my own medicine, so can I really stay mad at her? I was talking to Marian about this last night inadvertantly and she said, "If you spot it, you got it." Meaning, I have a mirror of some sort in front of me. Oh, man. I guess that means I've got some more work to do in that department.


*************************************************************************************

Here I am several hours removed from this morning's entry. I've been thinking about some things. Had a two hour nap. Feel refreshed.

I am praying for a miracle here or asking for a sign. I don't know if all I've perceived is true or not. So I've asked for a sign. I have asked for one surrounding the Easter Mass on Saturday. I hate to show doubt but the priest today said that it was okay to have doubts because it showed that there was faith. So, I guess if what I see is true a certain someone will be present on Saturday night in Fayetteville with me. It's very doubtful. I'm not even sure he still attends a church. And besides why would he do anything for me?

It's a Miracle

As sung by Barry Manilow

You wouldn't believe where I've been
The city and towns I been in
From Boston to Denver
And every town in between

The people they all look the same
Only the names have been changed
But now that I'm home again
I'll tell you what I believe

It's a miracle
A true blue spectacle
A miracle come true
We're together, baby-I was goin' crazy
'til the miracle
Came through
Now you here,and my arms are around you
And baby, there'll be
Dancin' in the streets
For the miracle
A true blue spectacle
The miracle is you

I never knew you look so good
I never knew any one could
I must have been crazy
To ever had gone away

I almost forgot what it's like
Holdin' you near me at night
But now that I'm home again
You know that I'm home to stay

Cause' its a miracle
A true blue spectacle
A miracle come true
We're together, baby-I was goin crazy
'til the miracle came through
Now you here and I'm feelin so good
And baby there'll be
Dancin' in the streets
For the miracle
A true blue spectacle
The miracle is you

Now you here and my arms are around you
And baby there'll be dancing in the street
There's going to be dancing in the street
Dancing in the street

Dancin',dancin', dancin , dancin'
Dancin' in the street
Dancin', dancin',dancin' in the street
For the miracle
A true blue spectacle
The miracle is you
Hey, the miracle is you
The miracle is you

It's unusual for me to feel at peace with the universe but I am. I do not have all that I need to go through with the plans I made for myself but I believe I am where I'm supposed to be. I don't think it was meant for me to do all the things I had planned for this weekend and I am okay with that.

Right now I feel that I can roll with the the punches. I have things to do but they are not pressing. I choose to put my feet up and relax.

*************************************************************************************

I was sitting in the living room just now. I don't know if I was just thinking about some of the things that have gone on in the last few weeks or if I was meditating. Sometimes I can't tell the difference. At any rate a song came to me and I had to look up the lyrics.

Listen to Your Heart

As sung by Roxette

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Chorus:
Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why,
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
The feeling of belonging to your dreams.

And there are voices
That want to be heard.
So much to mention
But you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
The beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind.

Chorus


I keep thinking about this thing called love. It's easy to think that you choose who you love but I don't believe you can. I think love chooses you. The thing about love is that it has no color, no form, no prejudice, no sight. Love is colorblind. It sees past what a person looks like. It does not register the past- it does not judge you based on your past choices, your mistakes, your wounds. It does not see what you are. It sees who you are. It sees you from the inside out. I think that's how humans should love, but we don't. We're not fully capable of it.
We are too hung up on our own labels. That's why I wish we could do away with labels.

My best friend is black. Who cares? To me she's just Linda. One of her friends back home is bi-sexual. Who cares? I have a friend, who after about 20 years of marriage, decided that she was a lesbian. Who cares? I married someone while he was still in prison. Who cares? The sad things is that people do care. Unless they've evolved beyond thinking within the box they will continue to care about the labels.

The three muskateers that I used to work with in Columbia- Vicki, Mary Joe and Lisa- are an example of seeing beyond labels. Vicki and Lisa are both African American. In doing research for Mary Jo and Vicki I discovered that they were related. I could tell you things about these ladies and you'd wonder how we all came to be friends. It's an unusual friendship to say the least. We do not do things together on a regular basis, never have, but we are there when the chips are down. I guess that's all that matters.

Then there's Elyce, Nefertiti. She is African American. We met while our husbands were in prison together. She's told me some odd things about her past that she feels guilt and shame about. She holds them close to her out of fear.

I could go and on I guess but I won't. The point I'm trying to make is that we need to get beyond the obvious and listen to our hearts. We need to hear what our Higher Power is telling us. Sometimes we have to latch on to the impossible, the illusion, because that is where our path is leading us.

It was a weird kind of day today at work. It seems everyone but me was obsessed with looking at the kids as they paraded down the hall to have their spring pictures taken. I think that they forgot we had students.

Sam seems to appear every time I get near the cafeteria. I'm not so sure what is going on with him. He's likeable but he's far from being independent. I'm not real sure if I want to get involved with him. As a friend I think he'd be okay but I rather doubt he could handle anything more right now.

It was pay day today. That's the one good thing that kept me going. I went to see Dr. Graves for a renewal of my prescription. I told him that the medication calms me down but I'm a little concerned about losing my edge. He assured me that that was okay. Yeah, I guess it is for him because he gets paid for the visit. I don't know about all the medication. I really don't want to be a slave to it for the rest of my life but I'm afraid that I will be.

Mom and Barry were still there when I arrived at Centerstone. Their ride on the Senior Citizen's van had not shown. I gave them a ride home. In some ways I'm glad to do things like that because I want to remain a part of the family. But I'd like to have a less active role in making decisions for them. I don't want to go back to trying to control the things going on with them.

I bought a few things for the cats and my supper and then I came home. I want to go out but I really don't have the energy. My bed is looking pretty good to me right now. But it's just 5:17. It's too early to go to bed. I'd say that I was depressed except for the fact that I'm taking antidepressants. I guess it would be better to say that I'm feeling kind of let down.

You know I'm still a little bummed out about Linda corresponding with the paradox. There was nothing going on between us. It was just a harmless friendship developing. He's fascinated by me as if I were a newly discovered science theory. He has no interest in me otherwise and I was perfectly okay with that. I know he had a choice in the matter the same as she did but it irks me to no end that a friendship is that fragile.

More than anything I miss my phone ringing and people asking if I want to go do something. I miss Mac but I'm afraid to get back into that friendship because his mood swings scare me.

I've given some thought to some things I might do on my own. I just have to build up my courage enough to make the plunge. I like my own company but sometimes I grow a little tired of it.

How Soon is Now

As sung by Love Spit Love

Theme song from Charmed

I am the son
I am the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son
I am the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet someone who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I watch Charmed sometimes because I like the whole "good versus evil" theme. I also like hearing about "the Greater Good". I'm not exactly sure what "The Greater Good" is but I'd like to think it is love.

This afternoon when I caught the theme song I heard the part "I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does" and I thought maybe it was about self-love or learning to love self. I don't know. There's just something about that part that catches my attention. I am human and I need to be loved. I'm just not willing to settle for scraps any more. I don't expect to be the center of someone's universe but I am unwilling to settle for leftovers. You know what I mean?

I have no idea what the future holds for me and that used to scare me to death. I used to want to know something about the future. These days I'm kinda glad I don't know what's waiting around the corner. I live in the moment now. I don't make plans unless they're important. No point in asking me what I'm going to do tomorrow. Unless it's on the calendar already- I have no idea.

My silly acquaintance, Diane, called tonight. She had her baby a few weeks ago. She named him Xavier after the professor on the X-Men. She has high hopes for this little boy. Times have been difficult for Diane. She's like me- hard headed. We're so different but that little piece of the puzzle is one of the few things we have in common.

I just talked to Linda a few minutes ago. I guess I've gotten over being angry with her. She didn't mean any harm. It's part of the Controlzilla in her. She has free time and she's trying to fill it by making plans for everyone. I finally had to tell her that I was not a problem she needed to fix and that I could make my own plans. I'm doing okay. If I choice to go to some of these upcoming events, then I'll go. If not, I will stay around home. It's just that simple.

As to the paradox- I don't know what happened. I feel like he took offense again. It's as if he wants to flirt with me in private but not really acknowledge that he's doing it. I've really had enough of that kind of behavior. I'm ready for men who openly pursue something. This game we've been playing isn't any fun any more. It's too bad. I really like him. But mostly I find myself missing Mac. It's not about romantic love. It's about friendship between members of the opposite sex. There's a balance there. It felt like we were Will and Grace (if only you knew how much I hated that show while Joey was in prison- you'd know how far I've come to compare myself to it).

I think I'm back in the ball game (finally) at work. I am about to network like nobody's business. I got the special ed supervisor, the principal and the two resource teachers on board in this afternoon's meeting. Now, if I can weasel in with the rest of the faculty I will be doing well.

I think I have a friend in the 4th/5th grade resource teacher. We're made from the same cloth I think. Could be rather dangerous.

I've heard from my friend, Kenny. Yay! He helped me figure out something that I was working on. I really love program people.

Sam and I are communicating a little bit more. It's not a romance, it's a friendship. Poor man has to be pretty desperate for friends to reach out to me. I'm pretty flaky at times.

Song of the day:

Break My Stride

As sung by Matthew Wilder

Last night I had the strangest dream
I sailed away to China, in a little rowboat to find ya
And you said you had to get your laundry clean
Didn't want no one to hold you, what does that mean? And you said...

Chorus:
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running in a one touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving

You're on the road and now you pray you'll last
The road behind was rocky
But now you're feeling cocky
You look at me and you see your past
Is that the reason why you're running so fast? And she said...

{chorus}

Never let another girl like you whip me over
Never let another girl like you drag me under
If I meet another girl like you I will tell her
Never want another girl like you have to say - oh!

{chorus)

I'm not sure what's going on right now. Yesterday I learned that the special ed. supervisor wanted to meet with us on Wednesday after school to talk about, among other things, inclusion. I had just submitted an outline on the topic to the principal. But I wasn't sure with the way the e-mail was worded whether or not I was in hot water. Communication around here is very fuzzy. Today I learned that the principal expected me to present some of my ideas in the faculty meeting after school. I was not prepared. So, I just said a prayer and told them all that I wasn't prepared. I gave a brief summary and offered to lend a copy of my book to them. I don't feel that I need to tell teachers with more experience than I how to teach. Not sure where any of this will lead but I don't get a bad vibe about any of it.

Introspection. I think I'm going to go further inward to discover why I react to certain people the way that I do. I know that some of the things going on are hang ups on the part of the other people but I don't want to get into the Blame Game any more. I have to look at my part in things and go from there.

Right now I do not have a sense of reality around a large portion of the things going on in my life. I feel like I'm watching someone else's soap opera. I know that doesn't make any sense but I'm unsure how else to explain it. All I know is that my instincts tend to tell me something totally different from what my eyes and ears are telling me. I've been right on target a few times but this is scary stuff and I back off more times than not because I'm afraid that my instincts are right. I'm not sure how to handle situations based on my intuition. I just know what I feel.

I'm a little bummed out right now. I feel like I've been robbed of something that was mine. It's like no matter what I do someone else wants to take credit for it or totally take it from me. You know this sense of what is and isn't reality is totally new to me. I know that good things are coming my way and they are mine for the taking. I just don't understand why others people want to ruin it. One person keeps telling me things like "it can't be done" or "it's a waste of time." Another tells me things like "I don't want you to get your hopes up" or "you've got unrealistic expectations." Now that is what I'm really pissed off about! How dare someone tell me that what I feel isn't important! My feelings, just like my dreams and thoughts, are my own. They belong to me.

Where does intuition come into play? If I see something as tangible why does it bother me when others tell me it isn't? These things are mine for the taking. I know they are. This reality I see isn't perfect but it's mine based on my life experiences. Why is wanting it so wrong? Why is having it so wrong? So, what if it isn't what others would desire? It's what I want, damn it.

I don't know. I don't look at the past. What a person was or did in the past doesn't matter to me. I did a lot of things and was portrayed a certain way. That's what I was- it's the past. I only look at the here and now. If my Higher Power tells me that something is possible, that something is tangible, isn't it wrong of me to say, "But in the past...." Yesterday is gone. It doesn't matter any more.

Could it be that my intuition is totally screwed up, that my instincts aren't to be trusted? I guess I just need some sort of sign to let me know that all of this is real.

I'm not sure why this song popped in my head just now but I'm going to include it here any way.

Tainted Love

As sung by Soft Cell

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want it any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'll think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

(chorus...)

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love (x3)


I think it may in some way be tied to what the reading on my perpetual calendar says:

"I'm convinced that everybody
should run away from home
at least once,
with absolutely no destination in mind-
just following the heart
wherever it leads--
even if it's only for a day!"

Joyful, Joyful

From Sister Act 2

[Lauryn Hill]
Joyful, Joyful
Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory
Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us with the light
Fill us with the light
Oh, fill us with the light of day......

[Choir]
Joyful, Joyful
Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory
Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin, sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us
Fill us with the light of day
Light of day!

[Rap]
(Check the rhyme)
Joyful, Joyful
Lord we adore Thee
An' in my life
I put none before Thee
Cuz since I was a youngster
I came to know
That you was the only way to go
[switch rapper]
So I had to grow an' come to an understandin'
That I'm down with the King so now I'm demandin'
That you tell me who you down with, see
Cuz all I know is that I'm down with G-O-D
You down with G-O-D?
(Yeah, you know me)
You down with G-O-D?
(Yeah, you know me)
You down with G-O-D?
(Yeah, you know me)
Who's down with G-O-D?
(Everybody)

[4 girls]
Come and join the chorus
The mighty, mighty chorus
Which the morning stars begun
The Father of love is reigning over us

[Lauryn Hill] Right away

[Choir]
What have you done for Him lately?
Ooh, ooh, ooh yeah
What have you done for Him lately?

He watches over everything
So we sing

Joyful, Joyful
Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory
Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin, sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness ([Lauryn Hill] won't you)
Fill us ([Ryan Toby] Fill us with the light of day, Lord, fill us)
Fill us ([Ryan Toby] oh we need You, yes we do, fill us)
Fill us ([Ryan Toby] yeah..., oh, oh yeah)
Fill us ([3 guys] with the light of day, Lord)
....
([Lauryn Hill] We need you, come right away,
we need you, need you today, we need you,
I'm here to say fill us, fill us, fill us, fill us...)

Fill us with the light of day ([Lauryn Hill] oh, yeah)
Light of day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The topic for this week in Awakenings is joy. The song served as a jumping off point.

My experience with spirituality has often shown me that living with and understanding pain can bring spiritual growth, just as appreciating little daily joys can strengthen faith.
Having Had a Spiritual Awakening…, p. 159, copyright 1998, Limited use with express written permission, AFG, Inc.



I had a difficult time with this week’s topic, not because of the topic itself but because it is hard to find a share that sums up my feelings in one paragraph.

Several things spring to mind. I had a series of synchronistic (is that a word?) moments after reading the topic.

First, I remembered that I had journaled on the topic of joy two years ago when I needed to keep my mind focused on gratitude. I dug out my old journal to see what reading I could use. None were just one paragraph.

Second, I thought about the phrase “happy, joyous and free” and what that means to me. The phrase means far more to me now that I am in recovery. I’m not sure if I’d ever heard it before. But I believe my feelings about those words were probably far different than what they are now. A song springs to mind. I’m not sure what the name of it is. It’s on an album my mother has by Joe Reid. There’s a verse in it that talks about “how can you express relief in being found if you’ve never lost your way?” In some ways that is how I feel about recovery. How could I ever know that what I felt before was not happiness, joy or freedom if I was clueless to how oppressed I really was?

Then, the phrase, “joy cometh in the morning” came to me and, like the good researcher that I am, I had to go looking for whence it came. I found it in the book of Psalms. Then there is also a poem by that title that summarizes what that particular chapter of Psalms is about. The poem, Joy Cometh in the Morning, is written by D. A. Boskovich. It speaks of having to go through some terrifying, dark times which lead to joy. To my way of thinking that is about the valleys that we go through in order to grow spiritually. I have certainly had my share of valleys.

Next, I happened to catch Sister Act 2 on TV this weekend. I love Whoppi Goldberg. I love the idea of the underdog. I love the idea of choir competitions. They sang, among other things, Joyful, Joyful mixing in just about every musical genre known to man to best place the spotlight on the talent of their school’s choir. I was fascinated by how they took Janet Jackson’s song, What Have You Done for Me Lately?, and reworded it to fit their primary song. My thinking wrapped around that in several ways and I meditated on the ideas that came to mind.

What followed was mass. I thought of the Passion of Christ. Maybe my thinking went there because I am about to be confirmed into the Catholic church or maybe it went there because Easter is just two weeks away. But suddenly the idea of awe and joy being one and the same came to mind. They aren’t the same. They are very different but I believe one leads to the other.

I thought about the Christmas Carols that we sing. What about Joy to the World and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen? One proclaims the arrival of the messiah and the other speaks of “comfort and joy”. I thought about the songs we have sung during Lent and the ones I sang at sunrise services when I was a little girl.

I thought about my search for a Higher Power. I thought about the awe of creation and the joy of celebrating it.

Then I did a little more research. I found something that said “awe + gratitude = joy”. It all made sense to me then.

So then I got out of my analytical self (I know you are relieved to hear that) and I thought about the latest snow we received on Friday night and early Saturday morning. I was in awe of the white noise that accompanied the blanket of snow. Snow is such a rare occurrence in the South that we stand in amazement of it so much so that we are unprepared when it arrives. The snow always stops everything. No one can drive effectively in it. Schools close, businesses open late and close early, etc. We are in awe of this weather phenomenon and yet we enjoy it at the same time. The childlike qualities come out of all of us if there is enough of it. We think of building snowmen or having snowball fights or making snow cream.

I also looked at relationships. I am always in awe of this thing we call unconditional love. It means that I have relationships based on nothing other than our existence. In these friendships there is nothing that I can say or do nor anything that I have that has made the people love me and it works quite the reverse as well. We love each other because we can clearly see a reflection of ourselves. We love each other just because we exist. That is awe inspiring and it brings me great joy.

A Little Help From My Friends

As sung by the Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do you feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you're on your own?

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends


I've got to tell you that with friends like mine I really don't need to make enemies. My bff has done it again! Linda has taken it upon herself to network with some of my single friends in recovery. I understand what she's trying to do and why but they are clueless. The paradox is totally lost with Linda's antics. I fear that he is so put out with the whole thing that he will cease to correspond with me. But then I never could really understand why he was so fascinated with me to begin with.

Linda's also been trying to manipulate Elyce. Manipulate may not be the right workd but I can't really think of what word to use here. Poor Nefertiti. She doesn't know which end is up.

Then, to top it off, Linda has already begun making arrangements for the Cullman, AL workshop. She contacted one of the AA women that we met at the convention and has already arranged for us to stay with her family. She went so far as to say we'd share sleeping quarters. This woman already thinks of Linda and I as a couple. Oh, my God! Talk about gender benders. Like I said, I understand Linda. These other people do not.

Ugh!

*****************************************************

Perpetual calendar's advice for today:

"Look for meaning in unexpected places today."

I wish I knew what was behind the words and actions of others but as I told my friend Jay, it is better if I just focus on myself right now. The people around me are living out their MO. Expecting them to change is futile. It's more in line for me to change my reaction or to walk away.

Right now my focus is on my physical, spiritual and mental health. I also have some work to do on my financial well being. Relationships will have to take a backseat a little while longer. I'm just not able to sustain any.

Snow! Ladies and gentlemen, we have snow! It's so pretty. I hate to see it melt.

My perpetual calendar speaks volumes to me this morning. It's funny how that works.
It says:

"Every day peresents us with a new
opportunity to do things better--
to choose a higher road than that
we are accustomed to traveling,
to make good on promises to ourselves,
or to resolve to make a brand-new start.
All we have to do...is do it!"

I've been trying to take a higher road for some time. That does not mean that I believe myself superior to others. It means I'm trying to respond in love to people rather than reacting out of fear or anger or judgment. It's harder than it sounds. But I guess I apply the Golden Rule here. I really want to treat others as I'd like to be treated.

Now the impish side of me wants to tell you about the song that I just had pop into my head. "I'll take the high road. You take the low road. And I'll be to Scotland before you..."

As to promises to myself, I'm getting better. I rarely make a promise to myself.

As to to new starts, I'm Finnegan Begin Again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several hours later...

The snow melted very quickly. I really hated to see it go. Cocoa and I ventured out into it for a while.

I worked around the apartment off and on today. I vacuumed, swept, did laundry and basically got my sanctuary ready. I still have a few things to do but the place looks and smells nicer. I really love the lavender spray that I bought. Lavender is very soothing and relaxing. Let's hear it for aroma therapy!

Apparently I now have a new nickname that I'm not too sure about. The paradox now calls me Karmina. When he describes where he was going with that it almost sounds like I'm some kind of super hero. I gave up my super powers a long time ago. I'm a little confused by his response toward me. I think he's tops but I'm not so sure what his view of me is right now. All I know is that I'm thankful to have such a friend. Just hope he isn't too rough on me when I reveal my clay feet.

Gratitude list for today:

A- AA, Al-Anon, Awakenings, Alley
B- Barry, Bath & Body Works
C- Cocoa, companionship, compassion, computers,
D- Dry racks
E- E-mails, eucalyptus
F- Faith
G- God
H- Hope
I- Internet
J- Jelly beans, jeans
K- Karma, kittens
L- Lavender
M- Mom
N- Nefertiti
O- Open minds
P- Pardox
Q- Quilts
R- Rain
S- Sunshine, St. Francis, St. Rita, snow, sweat pants
T- Televison, t-shirts
U- Understanding
V- Vicki
W- Wisdom to know the difference, willingness
X- Xandria, Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Thanks to Tylenol PM I got a good night's sleep. It took a while for my left leg to stop hurting but I finally drifted off. I hate taking this because I worry about becoming addictive but it seems to be the lesser of evils. Someone asked why I don't go to the doctor and get something for pain. Duh! It would be more addictive than this.

I really would like to call in sick today because of the pain in my hip, leg and feet but I don't dare. I'd never get the sub to do my afternoon bus duty. I've already stuck Mrs. Burns with it more than once. She'd kill me. I hate bus duty! But I don't lord over the kids like the other teachers do. I figure they're about to go home and I can put up with anything. As long as they don't try to kill each other we're straight.

Had another shot in the arm yesterday. The PT came in asking my advice about a situation she has in Lawrence County. She's about to open a can of worms but it's for the benefit of the wheel chair bound children. I can't believe a special education supervisor put a restriction on PT due to spending. Cut corners somewhere else! I mean we tell these parents that their children have to come to school when a lot of them would be better off staying at home and then we don't have services or equipment for them. What's up with that?

I wish I had some skill with building things. I'd build the equipment that I need. We need equipment. But services from a certified physical therapist is another story. Even with equipment nothing can replace the therapy. I feel blessed to have a therapist that will work with the kids rather than spending her time talking to me about the kids, which I'm told is all that they did last year. I think that was because there was no place set aside in the room to have the therapy and a lack of holding the therapist accountable.

I don't know. I guess I just feel kind of put out with the whole thing. Working in the community where I'm originally from is an eye opener. That's all I can say.

As to the other things in my life, I keep looking to God for answers. I look for signs of hope. I keep thinking that if only I could be met half way or the other person would just come out and say what he feels... That may be asking too much. "If onlys" are not about reality. They are about expectations and blame. I can only continue to focus on my part in things. I can accept that the other person isn't ready to commit or is clueless as to what he really wants from me. Either way I refrain from doing his inventory.

I didn't sleep well last night. I ran into one of the resource teachers after church last night and found myself harboring some heavy resentments.

I threw myself at God's feet and asked that He take my thoughts and feelings from me. Prior to that I came in and very determinely worked on an outline for an inservice presentation. I also asked three people to look it over for me. Two are special education teachers and the other could give me the layman's point of view. I also thought about all of those pictures I took the year that we had so much success with reverse inclusion. If I could somehow put them in a slide show I think that would hammer my point home. But then I also have the DVD that Bobby Busch did saluting the military. All but Cory and Malik were involved in that endeavor. The problem is that that is about an hour long.

The whole stressful thing gave me a sour stomach. I was up and down all night in the bathroom. I had to give all of it to God. I've done as much as I can right now. The rest will come later.

********************************************************************************

12 hours later

I'm tired. My body aches all over. It's not the flu. Wish it were. I really think it's a combination of things. I've got to make a doctor's appointment for spring break. Linda has already fussed at me.

Linda cut to the chase when she called earlier today. She said I hear you planning things for your job but what about Yolanda. What do you want for you?

I don't know!!! Seriously, I guess what I want is to have feel good physically again. I want to get up in the morning with a bounce in my step and I want to shine.

I also want to have someone in my life that loves me. It's not about co-dependence. Lord knows I've had enough of that. I want to feel loved when I'm in the company of someone. I don't want to feel like I have to compete or earn someone's affection. I want it to be freely given just as I want to be able to give it freely. It's not about sex either. I've got a Xandria catalog that I can order things out of. It's about companionship and autonomy. It's about being loved and accepted no matter what. I'm just not sure that exists.

If it does exist I'd like for the cards to be laid out on the table. I'm tired of playing games. I keep putting my heart out there and responding to men only to have them back out of what they've said. I wind up looking like a fool and holding the pieces of my shredded heart. I'd rather do without than to go through that again. You know what I mean?

I think I see something on the horizon. I'm not fighting it but I'm not forcing things either. I guess I just don't fully trust what my instincts are telling me. But I'm getting better.

Add to that that I'd like to be on a better footing financially. I know that I'll never be debt free but I'd like to put a dent in the debt that I have. It has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.

The only thing I know for sure right now is that I have a personal relationship with the God of my understanding. I guess that means that the rest will be taken care of by Him.

If you love something
Set it free.
If it comes back to you
It's yours.
If it doesn't
It never was.

My cat, Cocoa, was missing for two days. I was a little concerned but I knew that she'd turn up eventually and if she didn't, well, it meant that she'd gone on to a better place.

I used to worry over little things like my cat missing from the apartment. Now days I remember Who created my cat, me, other people, the world- and I think that He can take care of my small cat. I let go of her and let God take care of her. I think that's what I've been doing with friends and family the past six or seven months.

Some friendships confuse me. I'm told in my CAL that confusion is a gift of God. I'm not sure why it would be considered a gift except that it makes you pause and think, to reason things out, to pray and meditate.

I explained to my friend Mike that Linda and I great each other with the nickname "Sunshine" and told him that I really didn't know his nickname. I asked if he wanted me to invent one for him. He totally surprised me by saying, "yes." At first I kind of clowned around and told him I'd call him "dahling" but they I told him that I generally refer to him as "The Paradox" only I misspelled it. He totally took me by surprise again when he liked the nickname. When I corrected my spelling of the word paradox from pardox to the correct spelling, he asked if we could keep the misspelled version because it seemed more personal. I have no problem with that. I try not to analyze such things because I'm generally way off base when I come up with a reason behind other people's behavior. In the past he told me I assumed too much. So, these days I just accept that he just wants to be my friend and I am grateful. But I am a little confused about why I react to him the way that I do.

I'm working on some new research for my job. I'm determined to bring this county into the 21st century!

When you awaken,
Don't simply open your eyes...
Embrace the day
With a goal in mind.

This is what my perpetual calendar says today. My goal every day is to simply live every minute of it to the fullest and to do the very best I can at whatever task is put before me. And, oh yeah, not to kill anyone. : )

Keep it simple.

That's a recovery slogan and it is, oddly enough, what my perpetual calendar says today.

Sometimes I have to break those three words down even further.

Keep. Sometimes I look at that word and I wonder if I've spelled it correctly. Sometimes I wonder if I know what it means. I have to use it in different sentences to gain clarity. It's the analytical part of me that does that.

Keep. Keep on keeping on. Keep coming back. Keep talking until you get it all out. Keep writing or typing until you have said all you need to say. Keep at it- don't quit. Keep the faith.

Keep it. What is "it" that I need to hold on to? My sanity? As my bff says, "You can't lose what you never had." My serenity? Yes, I want to never let go of that. My faith? It was there all along. I just didn't acknowledge it until I needed it the most. My program? Well, I'm told that I can't keep it unless I give it away. That's a lot like love. You have to give love in order to get it or to maintain it.

Simple. Easy. Without strings. Free.

Keep it simple. Say what you mean. Spit it out. Take it at face value. Go with the flow. Accept.

What do I need to keep simple? Everything.

I need to not take myself too seriously or you either for that matter. I need to maintain my focus on this minute. I need to trust that God will take care of everything. I need to love like there is no tomorrow. I need to tell people that I love them. I need to accept that they may not return that love. And sometimes it means I have to walk away.

Things are beginning to look up. I just need to keep at it. Whatever "it" is. I feel at peace with myself because I know that good things are coming. I have no idea what is coming my way but I know that it will be for my benefit. The signs all point in that direction.

Ain't No Sunshine

As sung by Bill Withers

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.



There were rays of sunshine at the Alabama Al-Anon Convention in Huntsville this weekend. Thelma aka Linda brightened up the far corners of the rooms with her antics. She has a knack of drawing people to her. She brought laughter and a little confusion to those around her. She fell into the old role of being the entertainer because she felt as if she did not fit in. But that was what drew everyone to her.

Elaine S. went down with us to the convention after some arm twisting and found what she needed in the form of Norm L. from Hartselle. It's funny how someone can say something that catches your ear. I heard what I needed in the form of Ric B. from the WSO. I bought both his workshop CD and his speaker CD.

Jane seemed more relaxed but I can't quite put my finger on what is going on with her. Ruby graced our presence and spent the night with Linda and me. Marian and Mona came down for part of Saturday. In all there were 6 of us from District 15 who went in search of ESH in Huntsville.

My friends that I'd met at Sumatanga, the Decatur and Monteagle Roundups were there. I felt blessed.

When I was moved to phone my sponsor today as I was awaiting my ride, I connected with the paradox quite by surprise. I'm not sure why his reaction was so strong except that I think he got an answer to something that he wasn't expecting. I don't know that for a fact. But I know that when I ask for something I should be very careful because God will give it to me. Not too sure he knows which end is up right now. He goes forward and then steps back. Fear does that to people. We'll see what happens.

The topic for this week in the on-line group is gratitude. My gratitude list for today:

I thank God for my sanity and serenity.
I am grateful for the opportunity to spend time with program people.
I feel blessed to have clarity.