I gained a lot of ESH from members of my on-line Al-Anon group yesterday. Several reached out and answered my questions. Kenny actually called! It seems that he and I are at the same point in our lives right now for various reasons. It felt fairly good to sit and talk to someone about how I was feeling. For once I wasn't told that I was being silly or that I was crazy. I was also not told that I had lost my program. He understood, just as all of those on-line that responded seemed to, that I am just going through another phase of transformation. I'm in some pain and I'm feeling terribly vulnerable.

Kenny's take is more of "we're at a higher level of recovery that they are" than the rest. I'm not sure that I'd word it quite that way, but I can see where others have become complacent. We actually discussed that, too.

Kenny reminds me a lot of my old college English professor Mr. Burks. Mr. Burks was a very difficult man to get along with at times. He was extremely intelligent and philosophical. He was also an alcoholic. This man was my nemesis during my freshman year of college because of all the "constructive" criticism he dished out while I had him for Speech class. But when I entered his Literature class he was far more complimentary of me. He actually put me in the same category intellectually as himself even though I doubt I belong there (Kenny also spoke of me having a high IQ. I've never had my IQ tested so I have no idea what it might be.). This was the man I wrote the Don Quixote essay for and received an "A". This was also the man who told me the worst feeling we as humans could have for another was apathy. I learned a lot from this old professor. I see him around once in a while but I seldom speak to him because I doubt he remembers who I am.

There is another scholarly gentleman who interacts with me the same way. Mr. Smith is a volunteer at the local library in the genealogy room the same as I. He is a retired Methodist minister. He has a lot of heart but he seldom allows any one close enough to see it. His intellectual prowess deters people from getting close to him. Sometimes he actually comes off as an intellectual snob.

At any rate, I have digressed. Kenny and I talked for about an hour. He does not divulge alot of information but I am learning to listen between the lines. He is a carpenter or architect by trade, that much I believe to be true. He is actively seeking spiritual guidance and willing to go to any length to get it. He reads a lot. He's a little put out with his recovery group. He's in therapy and he's on antidepressants. He is pursuing meaningful friendships with others and is quite frustrated with the object of his affections, Rick. He's lonely and he's a little depressed right now. Yep, Kenny and I are on similar a path. While we did not get to the topic I'd hoped we would, I think it's coming. He's still trying to test the waters and so am I. But we've progressed enough that he's asked for my mailing address because he's going to create a "busy box" for me to use in my classroom. He even said he wished I lived closer because he had many of the supplies I needed to make some of the materials I was talking about. I wish we lived closer to each other, too, but I doubt we'd get along if we did. I'm so grateful that God sent Kenny into my life when he did. He's helped me a lot.

You know, I think I'm going to revisit that book, A Wrinkle in Time, because it has a lot to say about perception, intuitiveness and love. As humans we focus too much on what we can see with the naked eye. We don't always look beyond what is on the outside. If God is love and He looks at the heart, shouldn't we, too?

Another thing I came across is that "like and equal are not the same." I might have one thing in common with a person but that does not mean that we are equal and compatable. I might have several things that are compatable with another person and be totally unlike them in personality, gender, etc. I should not base my decision to love someone based on similarities or to discount them based on dissimilarities. Fear is what causes me to rule someone out as a potential friend or partner.

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith. Letting go of the "what if" and just trusting in the feelings that are there. If my intuition tells me something about a person but they are verbally saying something else I can only surmise that they are just as scared as I am. Change is never easy. To change one's mind, way of doing things, tastes, etc is hard. It requires courage. To decide that I was one thing but now I'm something else also takes courage. To say I once believed this way but now believe this is also difficult. It all boils down to faith.

"Faith is believing in something even when common sense tells you not to."
George Seaton

Perhaps in this case it is faith in love actually existing.