Today is D day or pay day, which ever way you want to look at it. I've been without funds all summer. I don't know why I'm so worried about this paycheck stretching. It either will or it won't. But I worry any way. I'm overdrawn over $400 at the bank. I've got 2 months rent to pay, an electric bill, tags for the car, an oil change, a truck payment, etc. I'm going to make considerably less and I'm already over $400 in the hole. So, yeah, I'm concerned. But I've placed it over and over in God's hands. He will have to deal with it. I can't.

Last night I found myself in the oddest of Al-Anon meetings. Mark chaired and the topic was needs. All I can say positively about that meeting is that I'm glad that Lois was there. Mark is not happy in his marriage and he is looking for someone to fill that void. I'm lonely. That is not to say that we'd wind up together but misery does love company. I think the topic was a good one but it might have been better discussed in a larger group or in a same sex group. But I'm told that at any given time the people who are supposed to be in a meeting are present with the topic that is supposed to be discussed. It's all a part of God's plan. Perhaps, for me it was God's way of saying, that it's time that I face the fact that my needs aren't getting met. Duh? Face them? I think about it all the time. So, maybe it's more in line with, how am I going to get my needs met? Maybe that is more important for me to worry about right now than my finances. But I've got to tell you that my feeling of financial security seems to be taking precedence over my love life right now. I'm so afraid of the Gibson brothers taking me to court over the bill with the black truck that wasn't completely fixed, the IRS coming after me for taxes that haven't been paid and my bankruptcy case being dropped that I don't know that a relationship would do anything but further complicate my life. But I'm willing to give it a shot as long as I'm not asked to be financially responsible for it like I was in my marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm willing to risk my heart again as long as there isn't a hand out for money. But I'm wondering what healthy male would want someone as financially unstable as I am right now.

My prayer this morning is that I make it through the day without breaking down, that I actually receive a paycheck that my Higher Power and I can work with and that I can get my basic needs of food, shelter and clothing met. Then maybe my Higher Power and I can tackle the relationship stuff.