I really didn't want to get up this morning. My body still aches from the strain of lifting a child in and out of her wheel chair. But it was more than that, I could think of all the things that needed my attention and how I really didn't want to bother with any of them this morning.

The cats would not let me sleep. They wanted to be fed. They were using my bed as a trampoline, jumping all around me and over me to get me to wake up. They are not much unlike children. I got up, fed them, bathed, dressed and stumbled back into the kitchen to look for something for myself to eat. Groceries are about gone. I lost a lot when the refrigerator went out a few weeks ago. But I think I can make it until Tuesday when my food stamps kick in.

I was waiting on my toast to pop up out of the toaster and I began negatively focusing on all that I do not have and feel that I need. Most of my woes center around lack of money. Pay day is 2 weeks away. I feel like I've literally been living from one significant date (like a pay day) to another. It's like having a prize to aim for.

When I came in here this morning and turned the page on my perpetual calendar I found this:

"If you believe in yourself,
then you can be certain
that many others
will share your belief."

Now, I was just thinking about something along that line as I bathed this morning. I don't think the quote is entirely accurate for me. I've always had someone, mainly my mother, who believed I could do more than I thought myself capable of even as a child. I was left to my own devices, she says, because she knew I could take care of myself. But come on. A child needs to know they are loved and cared for. Sometimes heaping that much responsibility for themselves at an early age creates the opposite effect. I felt unloved. I felt like it was me against the world. I was determined to survive at all costs. I set rigid rules for myself. I became a perfectionist, an analyzer, a "fixer", and a care taker. Part of my depression is that I feel overly responsible for people and situations. I feel as if too much is expected of me. What I thought of as I dressed was that while we may believe in someone's ability, I think it would be wise to tell them why we feel as we do.

It's amazing to me how this synchronicity business works. After I turned over that page on my perpetual calendar I opened my e-mail and found this:

Who you are makes a difference to me...

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.

First, she told each of them how they had made a difference to her, and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon,imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each of the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom, and report to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company, and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon, and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a
class project on recognition, and we'd like for you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person, to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please
report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day, the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket, above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we
want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old son, and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office, and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue
ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine! He thinks I am a creative genius! Then he put a blue ribbon that says, "Who I Am Makes a Difference", on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I do not pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being a mess. Somehow, tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a
difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life.
You're a great kid, and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he could not stop crying His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had took my
life, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just did not think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all."

His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.
The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch, but made sure to let all of his employees know that they made a difference.

The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning, and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life...one being the boss' son.

In addition, the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson, "Who you are DOES make a difference".

You are under no obligation to pass this on to anyone.... not to two people, or to two hundred. As far as I am concerned, you can forget it and move on. On the other hand, if you want, you could send it to all of the people who mean something to you, or send it to the one, two, or three people who mean the most. On the other hand, just smile and know that I think that you are important, or you would not have received this in the first place. Who you are does make a difference, and I wanted you to know that. Isn't this a wonderful story?

I'm passing the blue ribbon to you, for who YOU are does make a difference, too. May GOD BLESS YOU. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about
you today!

A prayer for today:

Lord, Thank you for my friends and family who really do make a difference to me. AMEN


Now I need to explain something to you about the forward I received. It was sent to me by an Al-Anon member that I've never actually met. She was referred to me by the Al-Anon state chair as someone who might be willing to come and tell her story to my home group. She was supposed to come in April but for some reason she cancelled. That she felt I, whom she has never met, made a difference in her life is testimony to what the AFG means. We receive ESH by just being. It's not necessary to ever see a person face-to-face to make a difference.

This reminded me of the movie, "Paid it Forward." I received a "forward" from my the Al-Anon member and I "paid it forward" to several people. First, I sent it to Linda, Mary Jo and Vicki because they helped me a lot this summer. Then, I sent it to Kenny and Elyce who unknowingly saved my life this summer. Then I sent it to Mac for obvious reasons. Then I sent it to my current Al-Anon sponsor and former Al-Anon sponsor. Next I sent it to Mike because for some reason I felt pulled in that direction. Lastly I sent it to Rena, a woman from Israel that I've never actually met in person but who has by asking me to share my program made a difference in my life.

The next e-mail I opened was a share from the on-line Al-Anon group that I am a member of. There was a little story about a couple who had nothing but thanked God for the abundant blessings He had bestowed on them. That made me think. I am richly blessed. I have more than enough. It reminded me that a little gratitude changes everything.