I've been thinking about how I feel about my life. At first I was just numb because everything was so new and change is difficult for me. But I was also a little depressed because I looked at the situation and couldn't for the life of myself figure out how someone could have as rotten luck as I do. Now, I'm fluctuating between being highly pissed off and and amused.

Let's look at the facts. I needed (not wanted) a new job closer to home due to finances. I got one within 6 blocks of my house which seemed like a plus because I thought I was going to lose my truck. I was given a room that has a lot of things in it that I am not use to having- a refrigerator, microwave, washer, dryer and my own cell block for solitary confinement. I was left with one assistant which seemed wonderful because she could fill me in on what the kids were like and the routine that they were used to. I was grateful for these things. But now I see things a little differently.

My school is six blocks from my house and I'd like to work in it a little more than I have but after school I'm in such pain I have to come home and lie down. On weekends I have to battle the security alarm system and I feel like a criminal when I set it off. Having a refrigerator and microwave is great but I have no supplies to go with it. I wanted to use those things but could not find the materials I needed to spring off of. I gave up too soon. I'll go back to it. The washer and dryer are good things to have because we have things that need washing daily. The cell block is hideous. I hate it. I also hate the big clunky tables in the room. I wish I could get rid of them. I also hate the set up that the former teacher had for the assistants. Why did they have a work station with computers and the computer chairs? I want to rearrange that. As to the returning assistant- she's gone. She went to complain about me after only 2 days of working with me. She's also spread stuff through the school about me. I hate a gossip especially when they haven't gotten their story right.

Now let's look at the situation I have now. The nurse is back from her surgery. She still doesn't like working with my wheelchair student. She keeps asking my opinion of why the little girl is here. What does it matter? She's here. She's a human being. Let's take care of her needs to the best of our ability. The nurse gets distracted with other things and doesn't follow through on her job in a timely matter. She still wants to put all of it off on me.

The outgoing assistant was replaced with a lovely man who seems to be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. He is not very useful in the classroom. The other assistant is frustrated. She's good at what she does but like me she is totally confused about this classroom. As to the students we have our hands tied with them unless I can figure out a system to corral them. I've got one who has split personalities and I believe needs to be visited by a priest for an exorcism. I have a drama queen whose antics have caused me enough trouble due to the paddling issue that came up between the outgoing assistant and the mother. And I have a munchkin who wants to "help" to the point of being in the way. Then there are two helpless children in wheel chairs. It's enough to make me want to scream.

I spent my own money on the classroom because the requistion I turned in was never honored. I have no idea who I'm supposed to ask about it. I'm afraid to go to the principal again. She'll think I'm a complete idiot. I hate to ask my mentor- I can't even remember her name. Every time I've asked her something she hasn't had an answer of any kind for me. I don't understand the set up with the other special education teachers. There is no communication. They are on the other side of the world from me. When I ask questions they look at me like I'm an imbecile. So, I'm on my own. But I'm wondering if I can be reimbursed my money because I really need groceries. I've saved my receipts. I may have to ask and risk being seen as an idiot.

I'm grateful for the paycheck that I received last week. I just wish I hadn't been overdrawn at the bank. I might be able to have bought some groceries and had money set aside for gas. Now I've got two weeks to worry about.

I'm also concerned about all the debt I have. It's left over from Joey's antics and I can't figure out how, after 3 years, I'm in this state of affairs. I thought I had all my bases covered.