This morning my perpetual calendar speaks of paths.

Our path through life
is not so much from place to place
as it is from one way of looking
at things to another.


Kenny and I had just been talking about that yesterday. Yes, Kenny. I reopened the door by asking if he'd heard of Anthony De Mello. I think Kenny's right. We do come from different social circles, although when I listen to him talk about his day to day work I'm not sure I buy the multimillionaire status. But I guess anything is possible.

His take on the situation was that he was traveling on the road last traveled. That's from the poem by Robert Frost that I've often thought applied to myself. I think the whole key to that way of looking at things is that we had choices as to which path we took. I don't think that was the idea behind what Kenny had to say. I think he was saying that he was on the narrow path that Jesus spoke of in the Bible. I can agree with that idea, too.

My take on the situation, looking at my calendar reading, goes back to Pollyanna. Life gives us hard times, bitter pills to swallow, we can either become as bitter as the pills or we can find something to be glad about.

My situation is getting better or is it? Maybe it's the same and just my attitude has changed. Let's see.

Today I go to the bank to straighten out my checking account. There are things being taken out of it that will cause that little check I get from Impact to be absorbed and I won't be able to pay the rest of my electric bill. Well, following Pollyanna's advice, I should be glad that a} I have another small check coming, b} I have a checking account, c} I can go talk to someone in the bank face to face rather than dealing with an impersonal voice mail system, and d} that the electric company granted me an extension in the first place.

Tomorrow I go to Columbia to talk to the bankruptcy lawyer about case. The trustee received my letter about my financial situation and only sent a reminder of what we had agreed to back in 2004 when Joey and I appeared in court. Thankfully the lawyer followed up with a letter that he thought they could offer me some relief by reconfiguring the terms of the case. Now that is something to be glad about because if I don't the trustee will throw everything back in my lap.

Wednesday I'm back in therapy. I guess back to back appointments are a little extreme but the therapist is helping me set goals so that I can get myself back on track. That's a good thing.

Monday, July 30th, I'll return my truck to the dealership. I won't have the money to make a payment for it or the insurance. It makes me a little sad because I lose my independence. But when I look at the situation I can find something to be glad about. I am within walking distance of everywhere I need to go now that I work in the county. Who needs Wal-Mart any way?

I'm not in the best of physical health but I can still walk. I look at it this way God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. He's whipping me back into good physical health with an extreme situation. I figure when payday rolls around on Aug. 20, I'll go in search of a bike and all the things that I'll need to go with it. I might even venture out to Wal-Mart and do some price comparing to see how much money all that will cost.

I did venture out to Wally world and the difference in the cost of a bike with all the luxuries is around $129. That is a lot better than $400 a month for a truck payment and $115 for insurance each month. I'd save myself a fortune.

I received a letter from my ex today. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand it was gratifying to hear him defend me when I told him all that had happened here the last few months when I talked to him on the phone last week. He actually took ownership of his part in things. He did in the letter today, too.

On the other hand he may not have changed at all. Trust is something that isn't easily gained back once it is lost. You know what I mean?

I read somewhere that we gravitate toward the familiar and that courage is giving up the familiar. Joey is familiar to me. I can almost predict what he's going to do or say before he can. But I would not have predicted what he had to say in our phone conversation last week. So, maybe he has changed. It took a lot of courage to walk away the last time.

I don't know maybe I'm only drifting toward him because I'm lonely. If that's the case then writing to him and renewing a friendship might be the wrong thing to do. But I don't want to go through life viewing him as the enemy. I forgave him for a lot of things but I have not forgotten. I guess that sounds pretty bad, huh?

I'm grateful for Joey. There was a time I couldn't say that. I'm grateful to him because his addiction drew attention to my own sickness and I sought help. In his letter he's offering a listening ear. But if I recall that was how some of this started in the first place. And everything I had to say was used against me.

I don't know maybe it would be okay this time because my feelings for him have changed. I think I might be a little succeptible to his charms right now because I've lost those that I thought were my friends. It's amazing how people scattered when I most needed someone to lean on. But isn't that how it generally works?

You know things really aren't so bad that I need to go back into something with Joey. In fact, if I were to share with him the good things that have happened so far his reaction would be the same as Mac's. I'd be accused of worshipping Satan. Joey was extremely prejudice. I can't think that he's changed that much. But who knows?