I spoke with my friend Judy last night. Ever since my therapist and I talked about my support group I'd thought about calling her. This was someone very important in my life at one time. There wasn't a day that went by when I lived in Murfreesboro that we missed talking to each other or seeing each other. She was one of my very best friends even though her husband at the time did not like me.

I spoke with her about all that has gone on in the last 8 months or so and her reaction was much the same as Joey's- disbelief. That's what happens when I talk to people who've known me for long periods of time. Their knowledge of who I was, how far I've come, makes a difference to me now. Judy's knowledge of my sexual hang ups in relationships is vast. We talked about it from time to time especially when Troy was in the picture. When I told her I'd finally made it to therapy her response was, "Good. You've needed that for a long time."

The thing that most people are not aware of is how backwards I really am. While others around me were into self-exploration of their beliefs, their identity and their independence I was taking care of my mother and brother. I was being Ms. Responsibility and I never got a chance to find out all the things everyone else did. For instance, most teenagers were getting their license at 16 I didn't get mine until I graduated from college. Until then I bummed rides or walked every where I had to go or I didn't get to go.

Another example is dating. I only dated one boy in high school and that was while I was a freshman. We had one episode of fumbling in the back seat of his car which no one knows about and then my mother began listening to the family's prediction of how I'd get pregnant before I was out of high school and that, was as they say, that. From then on I only traveled in groups of boys and girls. In college my horizon expanded but I was still very much inhibited. Thankfully those I dated were, too. Clay, Mac's cousin, was very much the Church of Christ product- no sex before marriage and that was fine with me. His hands were as cold as ice and I had no real interest in him. My problem came in the form of an Arab student from the West Banks of Palestine. Mohammed Itmaiza was hot! It took all the reserve I had in me to keep from falling into his hands. Fear had been planted into my head that I'd be whisked away to the Middle East and never seen again.

I never really viewed myself as a sexual creature. That side of me was never fully explored as I said. I remember a friend whistling at and later asking me why I had not responded. It never occurred to me that he could be whistling at me. And yet one of my room mates, Melinda, told me each time we went out into the community that it was I rather than she that was being whistled at or ogled. Me?

After college I had a long dry spell of dating. Then when I moved back to Murfreesboro there was a string of them. I didn't know it at the time but I had such a low opinion of myself that I sabotaged my own progress. I was too afraid of letting anyone get close to me even after proposals of marriage. I'd been proposed to 4 other times before I married Joey. I don't know. I guess I figured that his childhood was so similar to mine that he'd understand where I was coming from. I forgot to factor in prison.

Joey was my chance to explore that side of myself within the bounds of marriage which was totally acceptable to what I'd been taught to believe. And yet our sex life was not anything fantastic. In fact, I was rather disappointed. Due to his drinking and drug use he was impotent much of the time or maybe it was that he just had no interest in me.

He'd had a steady relationship with at least one man while he was in prison, maybe more, and an affair with at least one female guard. I had knowledge of all that and it nearly drove me batty. It was not that he'd had affairs with a male that made me upset. It was that he did that while we were married and I'd been out here working my tail off to keep bills paid. I didn't have time for friends let alone an affair and yet at one time he suggested that I could have a Sugar Daddy on the side. That offended me. I don't know what all of my beliefs are about relationships but one that I do hold is that I am with one person at a time. I can't love someone and be with someone else. It just doesn't work that way for me.

I suspect that he had affairs with men and women while he was out of prison living with me, too. I know of at least one person he brought to the house and had sex with in our bedroom while I was at work. I don't know who it was but I know it happened because he bragged about it afterward. All I know is that I had no trust left after I learned of each subsequent affair and I didn't really want him to touch me. But worse than the affairs was the humiliation and degradation that I was subjected to by the man I loved. I was ridiculed from head to toe and made to feel like nothing. When he left I felt like all men viewed me in these terms. I was terrified to be around any men at all for fear that they'd treat me as badly as he had. It was not until February of this year when I finally talked to him about some of the things he said and did that I stopped hearing all the things he said to me in my head.

I was beginning to feel pretty good about myself and then the bottom fell out of my world a few months back. I'm back to the theory that I am nothing. It would take so much to explain the who and what happened. I've experienced rejection, abandonment and I've been told that my instincts about others are totally wrong. I question myself a lot. I just feel as if this part of my life- the sexual side is a dead issue. And yet here I am entering menopause and my hormones rage. It's not just a case of loneliness. It's that I have needs that aren't being met. I'm not like Lois. I can't just jump into conversations and pick people up. I have never been one to jump in and out of bed with men. I want a meaningful encounter. I want a meaningful relationship. Yet most of the men I feel comfortable talking to are gay or bisexual. I don't have a problem with the gay men. But the bisexual thing gives me a problem in that I wonder if such a person can ever be totally committed to one person while in a relationship with them? I mean, do they think of or continue to pursue the other sex while they are in a relationship with the one person? I guess I never knew how that worked.

I can't talk about these things in an Al-Anon meeting. My experiences are far different from everyone else's and I feel like the odd ball. Every time I bring this subject up I'm hushed up as if I've offended someone. It makes for a very frustrating time. I can't talk about these issues with my sponsor because the topic makes her uncomfortable. So, who do I turn to? It will eventually come out in therapy but I think Judy opened the door for me to talk about it last night and I may continue that avenue as no one will let me talk here.