Call me strange, and most people do, but I just have to share with you what my bizarre sense of humor brought to mind.

I've sat here by myself since my truck ran out of gas and I ran out of money. The only time I've been out of the house since Monday to go any where was when Lois came to get me for a meeting. Yeah, I could have already walked a number of places by now but I've sat here waiting Elaine to call because she was supposed to take me to Columbia to run errands. The only people I've heard from at any length are people who want something from me. Do you hear the insanity in all of that?

Then it struck me- I've been suicidal at various times and suddenly I have no friends. It's as if they said to themselves, "Oh, man, I don't want to catch what she's got. I better leave her alone." Now, there's another bit of insanity- leaving a suicidal person alone. But it also shows you something else. An isolating person reaches out for help and is pushed further into isolation. God help me if I ever do this to another human being.

I have to laugh at this picture because if I don't I will get bitter and resentful. This morning I pulled a Pollyanna. I went through all of my CAL to find the pages that spoke on fun, happiness, humor, and laughter. I found enough to fill 6 pages of notes. Not the 800 glad texts that Pollyanna referred to but enough to get me started.

The other thing that strikes me as funny is that I have a new sponsee who lives on the other side of the world in Israel. I will likely never meet this woman but I owe her my life. She reached out for help and even though my words may have been overdone and received poorly (I don't know if they were or not) I heard myself say what I needed to hear at that very moment.

Come to think of it I could all so say the same thing about Kenny saving my life. He appeared with words of love and encouragement right when I needed to hear positive feedback. I'll probably never meet him either.

I also have a sponsee who lives 4 hours away from me. She is the epitome of beauty. I call her Nefertitti because she looks so much like the busts I see of the Egyptian queen, and yet she continually puts herself down. She turns to me, me the ugly duckling, to receive validation about herself. I look at that and can't help but smile not because she is hurting but because of all the things that Joey used to say to me. He knew this woman and always placed her high on a pedestal of what beauty was while he degraded me. If he only knew that she was coming to me for help.

I have to shake my head. It just goes to show the irony of the 12 step program. I recall that line from Medea's Family Reunion where Vanessa is talking to Franky. She says, "All men come for something." And he responds by saying that, "Some men come to restore." Could it be that when we reach out to God for help that He places the most unlikely of people to help restore us to our sanity?

Last night a movie title popped in my head- The Gangs of New York. I have this movie. I don't particularly like it. It's dark and at times extremely violent. I couldn't think of why I had it pop into my head. Then it hit me just now. The most unlikely of people were thrown together to form gangs in order to survive in the 19th century when immigrants were coming into America. Most gangs were formed along nationality lines but not all. Some were formed along religious lines.

The point is that survival brought together the most unlikely of people. That's the 12 step program. We're brought together because of one common factor- survival. Some of us stay together because we have forged a bond with each other, some never come back after the first test of unity and some only come when another test comes. I've met some marvelous and fascinating people in my four years of recovery. I've learned a lot from them all. Some lessons have been painful and some have been full of wonder. The point is that they were lessons and I paid attention.