The River

As sung by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores.. and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide.. yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

And there's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.. yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry


I keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do. But this song is also right. I am learning from what's past and I have no idea what the future holds. I need to keep myself focused on today in order to survive.

Today I have a roof over my head.
I don't have air conditioning at present but I do have a fan.
I have electricity.
I have a phone.
I have the internet.
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have clean clothes to wear.
I have food in my kitchen.
I have a TV.
I have a DVD player/VCR.
I have DVDs and videos to watch for entertainment.
I have books to read for enlightenment.
I have two cats for companionship.
I have transportation.
I have gas in my truck.
I have friends.
I have my mother and my brother.
I have a job I will start in three weeks.
I am blessed.

Just for today I will focus on my blessings and not give any thought to the things I don't have. If my mind should stray I will become bogged down in depression again.

I've been thinking about dreams. When I was a child I dreamed of a day when I'd have a family of my own. I dreamed of having 5 children. I wanted 4 boys and a girl. I was even stupid enough to think I could dictate what order God gave them to me in. I wanted two boys on either end and the girl in the middle. She'd have 2 brothers for protection and two to boss around. I had all kinds of names picked out, too. I dreamed of going to sporting events and being able to say that's my child. I dreamed of dance classes for my little girl.

I dreamed of the perfect marriage, too. I wanted someone who would love me for who I am, warts and all. I wanted to feel as if I was someone special. I wanted to matter. I dreamed of having someone to grow old with.

I dreamed of becoming somebody in my field of work, too. I wanted to make a difference.

Today I know that I make a difference just not in the way that I had envisioned. I know that I matter and that I'm loved, too. It's just that sometimes I feel as if I'm missing out on a lot of things that others have. I want something more than what I have and I feel like I've been given the short end of the stick. I feel cheated somehow.

What I've discovered is that I got exactly what God wanted me to have. I have no way of knowing why He placed me in the family I was born to. I have no idea about why things have happened in the order in which they have. I just know that it is a part of His plan. I'm learning to trust.

I read something today about how a person with problems like mine responds when asked how he is doing. He says, "I'm growing and learning." I think that's what I'm going to say from now on. No one really wants to know what's going on with me. They have their own lives to live.

Linda has helped me come up with a game plan. I don't like it. It requires humbling myself still further. But apparently that is part of my growth and learning. Apparently I was not humble enough.