I got up this morning with a different mindset. Yesterday's experience with Lois gave me pause to think. There are things I like to do. I didn't do them before for various reasons: 1) I worked in a different county 2)had no time for them 3)got into town too late 4)had no money 5) was waiting on someone else because I needed to help 6) had no one to do them with

What's changed in that equation? I no longer work in a different county. The time I cut down on traveling from place to place now gives me more time and I'm already in town. The extra $400 that won't be going on a truck payment and the extra money from what would have been spent on gas will give me extra money. I'm no longer going to sit around waiting on people to call. I may still have no one to do things with or I may have just been shown some different people that I can do things with. I've got a mentor now- Cheryl Brown. I have at least one assistant that I can get along with- Judy. I have one Al-Anon member working close by at another school- Beth. I have one person that I graduated with working in the same school that might be willing to do something after school if it peaked his interest- Sam. George's son, Wynne, has moved back to Giles County. Maybe I could interest him in doing something with me. I'm not interested in dating either of these men. Men can be friends.

As I meet more people at church, I might find a friend to do things with there. I might also enlist some Al-Anon or AA members that I never took the time to get to know better to do some things with me. I might also meet some of these people in the neighborhood that I've seen out walking. And I can always count on Mom or Barry to be interested in doing something. I might even draft some other family members just for the hell of it. This time I will ask rather than assuming that they want to do things with me. Lois was my mirror yesterday. And if no one goes with me I can go alone. I might find others sitting by themselves that I can relate to.

What do I like to do that is within walking distance, is cheap or free? I like:

* to attend basketball games and football games
* to attend plays and dramatic interpretations
* to go to the movies
* musical concerts
* poetry readings
* art shows
* genealogy and history
* nature
* gardening
* dancing and singing
* spiritual events
* arts and crafts
* exercise classes
* swimming
* museums

Those things are available in this county thanks to the high school, college, the book store on the square, the chamber of commerce, the library, the recreation center and God. I can explore nature and history right here. They have walking tours of the Confederate markers in the Maplewood Cemetery which is only two blocks from my home. Across the street is the Sam Davis museum which I've never been in. There are tons of genealogical things I can do even out of town if I make other members of the historical society aware of them. The recreation center has all kinds of events that come through there. I just need to make myself aware of them. The bookstore on the square has poetry readings on particular nights. The college has a slew of different activities that come through as does the high school. There's a movie theater at the college now that I've never gone to. The world is opening up right before my eyes. And I may begin transforming in ways I never imagined.

I want to point out that nowhere on that list of things to do was playing pool, flea markets and karaoke in a bar. Those are things that Lois likes to do. I AM NOT LOIS! I'm grateful to her for her help in getting from place to place but I am under no obligation to do things with her for fun if I don't want to.

Today I got up with the resolve to work in my room, to set it up. I do not have any help to physically move things. I could go by the Betterway House and enlist some people possibly. I hate to do that because I'll run into Mac. I hate being at odds with people but his shit is getting on my last nerve. I also hate to ask particular men down there because they act like I'm hitting on them when I sit down to talk or ask for help. Sometimes talk is just talk and help is just help. You know sometimes a duck is really just a duck. I'm going to go digging through my crates and boxes here to pull out activities to use with this classroom. I've been putting off things because of lack of energy and the heat. But as Marian said if I wait until I know how to do something or in this case have energy or a cool environment I'll never try it or get anything done.

I've got an appointment with the therapist this morning. Maybe she can help me set a few more goals for myself. I'm also dropping off some of my laundry for my mother to do for me. I feel kind of badly about that and if a caseworker finds out I might get into some trouble. But I have no money or laundry detergent left. I can't do my laundry. No one has asked me about some basic necessities yet.

My therapist told me I needed to be more assertive. I've been afraid to press the landlord about fixing the things that are in need of repair because I will be late with rent. But today when the apartment manager was inspecting the new gutters, I asked him to come into the apartment and take a look at these things. When I got back from school there were three men fixing my air conditioner and they looked at the refrigerator. They may be a new refrigerator forth coming. The bathroom floor is supposed to be fixed soon, too.

I also called the Betterway House and asked for help in moving the heavier furniture in my new classroom. Bobby B. and Barry H. came and gave me about 15 minutes of their time. I was grateful. In the past I would have tried to move that furniture all by myself. I would not have asked for any help.

I have no idea why but this song came into my head a few minutes ago. Actually the part I heard was "Sit down, take a look at yourself..." Not sure why I need to put this in here except that for the last 3 hours I've been looking at synchronicity, mysticism and intuition.

Lonesome Loser
The Little River Band

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Oohoohooh .... oooh ....

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Unlucky in love, least that's what they say
He lost his head and he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching though there's nothing left
Staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost.

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

"It's okay", he smiles and says
Though this loneliness is driving him crazy,
He don't show what goes on in his head,
but if you watch very close you'll see it all

(Instrumental)

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Now tell me have you heard about the lonesome loser

Here's the other song that just came to mind. Actually the part I heard was about paranoia.

For What It's Worth
Buffalo Springfield

There's something happening here
And what it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I've got to beware

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down
There's battle lines are being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Are getting so much resistance from behind
Time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singin' songs and carryin' signs
Mostly say "hooray for our side"
It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
Step outta line, the man come and take you away
We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down

We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down
We better stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down
We better stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look, what's goin' down...