I don't understand why we have to put labels on each other. It makes life so much more complicated. Bobby's right. Relationships aren't complicated. People make them that way.

I have a sponsee from Israel. I have no idea what she looks like and I really don't care. Have I asked her? No. She has not asked me what I look like either. With a name like Yolanda I could be hispanic, black, or from any of the European countries. To me she is just Rena. I did not what brought her into Al-Anon. It wasn't any of my business. The very fact that she reached out for help was all that was necessary for me to know. I did not ask about her husband. It was not something I needed to know. She offered the information. I did not ask if she had children. It isn't a necessary piece of information for me to know. I didn't ask her about any occupation or disabilities, either. She willing gave me information. I did not ask about her religious back ground she gave it.

Now knowing all these things I could place all these labels on her. I could say she's Jewish, disabled, and a teacher. But I prefer to view her as just Rena. I would love her as a person regardless of who or what she was.

I have a friend that I rarely ever see that lives in Murfreesboro. We met while we were in college. At the time I baby sat for she and her husband. Her son and I share the same birthday. Her exhusband is a jerk. He was then and he is now. Before she decided that she preferred women to men, I knew. It wasn't something that affected me one way or the other. Judy took care of me when I got deathly ill at age 27. She helped me process my relationship woes. She helped me in so many ways. We went our separate ways when I moved back home to help out with my mother. But when Joey was incarcerated and all those things came out I sought her out. She was my mentor, my sister. I did not know that she had gotten a divorce and her ex did not give me any information. It was not until Joey was released from prison that she and I reconnected. It was not until he was back in prison and I was attending my first Al-Anon assembly that we saw each other in person. I love my friend. I accept her choice in life partner although her resemblence to me was very freaky. It was almost like looking in a mirror. I never thought I might have a twin out there somewhere. I like her life partner. She's nice. If we were actually twins she'd be the good one.

I know all of these things about Judy. I could introduce her as my lesbian friend. I could introduce her in masculine terms because her interests are generally considered masculine. She can fix a car, she's a carpenter, etc. But to me she's just Judy and I love her as she is. When given the opportunity to introduce her I always say she's my sister.

Vicki was my right hand in that old CDC classroom. We could finish each other's sentences. I love and respect this woman with every fiber of my being. I could place labels on her, too. She's black, she's a single mother, etc. But she's just Vicki. I could say the same things about Linda except for the single mother part. I do not introduce them or describe them in terms of their color or anything else. I just say they are my sisters. I love and accept them as they are.

See there are no hidden agendas with these ladies. They keep it real. They wear no masks. I, in turn, am learning to live without mine. My problem was never with getting to know women. My problem has always been with getting to know men. I have issues with my own sexuality, therefore I have issues with men. I was seeking out friendships with those I knew there would never be any chance of me becoming involved with because I needed to learn autonomy while interacting with males. But I also needed to learn some things from them due to what happened in my marriage.

Mac says I projected Joey onto Mike. I never saw Joey in Mike. I saw Joey in Bobby. But when Mac began acting weird, I saw Joey in him more and more. Not Joey exactly but the erratic behavior that Joey exhibited when he was using or doing something behind my back. I saw myself in Mike. I can't explain how that happened. It doesn't really matter. I recognize that I'm supposed to be interacting with these men for various reasons. I have lessons to learn. Apparently I've said and done some unacceptable things in my attempt to figure out what my belief system is and how I feel about certain situations. I did not mean to offend. If I had deliberately set out to sabotage those friendships I would not have been so passive aggressive. It would have been noticeable to everyone concerned. Amends that I have made are not accepted. I don't know what else to do but walk away.

The problem with all of this is not that I have failed to accept people as they are but that I look for hidden agendas. I recognize why I need to know these men but I do not see what anyone has to gain from knowing me. I do not find myself acceptable a lot of the time.

Whom do I talk to? My sponsor? She can't deal with the issues I have. The former sponsor? I'll only be told to journal and that the things I experience aren't real. My only hope is to work along side someone with similar issues. I sort of had that with Mac.

I want to mend that broken friendship but he walked back up to me as if nothing had ever happened. I don't shift gears that easily. Until I know what I did that caused the rift, I will repeat the mistake again. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I feel like I did when I lost my husband to the alcohol and drugs. I've lost one of my best friends.

Right now I'm trying to dig myself out of so many ditches that I can not even fathom an end to it all. I keep being told that when such and such a date comes everything will begin to get better. Time moves so slowly and I only seem to improve by small increments. But I'm not out of the woods yet. My therapist finally sees and hears my dilemmas. She has been setting up appointments with me to help me set goals for myself. I have to maintain my focus on what is in front of me in order to survive. My life feels like it is in limbo and I want it back. I want my friends back. Apparently I am only their friend when things are going well for me. When things are going badly, no one wants to be around me.

I feel like the little red hen. Every time she asked who would help her with this and that she was met with, "Not I." But when the bread was done and she asked who would help her eat the bread all those animals came forth. When I ask who will help me process this information or point me in a direction I get silence or in one sad case I got rediculed. I never asked the person to pay my bills. I only asked if he thought I could approach the church I had been attending for help because that was a suggestion made to me by my Al-Anon group. Me? I have only ventured forth to ask for help when I had nothing left. I only went looking for help with groceries when I had none left in the apartment. I only went looking for help with bills when I had exhausted every avenue I knew to exhaust. My chief character defect is pride. I don't ask for help.

You pair that with the paranoia and lack of trust I began to have for people in recovery after a series of actions hit at the same time with things going on with my biological family and my job and you got what led me to where I am now. I don't know who is trustworthy and who isn't. All I know is that everyone wants me to be responsible for something because I've always been the one people could rely on. But what about me? When do I get a turn to do some leaning and relying on someone else? I'm back to where I was when I came in. Trust no one. Rely solely onself. And yet my therapist tells me that I am not an island. Still it seems that the futher I withdrew back into my cocoon the more unacceptable I became to others, the more isolated I became.