As my life begins to improve a little I wonder if other things will begin to haunt me? I awoke about 3:00 this morning thinking about my mother and brother. The guilt that enveloped me was almost more than I could bear. I began to pray about it. The three C's popped into my head and although they eased some of the guilt, they did not relieve the pain in my heart.

I did not cause any of my mother or brother's problems. My mother is losing her eyesight, hearing, physical stamina and mental reasoning skills. I did not cause any of that. I watch as my brother gets further and further into his mental illness. While I do know that I caused some of their financial strain, I also know that that is not all my fault either. I've done the best I can in paying thme back.

I can not control their declining health. I can not control their financial situation. I did speak to different agencies in an attempt to get them the help that they need. They now have three agencies involved. The wheels turn so slowly and I have no control over that either. I'm learning patience.

I can not cure their problems. I am not the answer to them. I have no magical potion or magic wand that I can wave to make things better. Still, it pains me to see them in the condition that they are in. And it pains me that other sit in such harsh judgement of me because of it. I've been talked about very badly by people who do not know all the facts and it makes me feel pretty badly about myself.

I keep being told by various people that I need to stop dwelling on my family because I need to begin thinking about myself more. I have been in crisis. I am not completely out of the woods yet even. My situation was caused by poor judgment. I should never have married Joey. I was lonely and wanted to have what I perceived others had. I wound up in a situation that not only had no love present but was very degrading. I still have bouts of loneliness but I'm very hesitant to venture back out into dating. I no longer hear those negative statements that Joey used to make about me but I still wonder what man would want to be with the likes of me. I have nothing to offer.