It's hard to stay in the light, to remain in a positive attitude. I get distracted by all of the minor irritations and worries. Depression really does make me ache all over. As long as I'm busy, moving forward I do pretty good. The minute I slow down to rest the worrying sets in.

I finally said my piece in an e-mail to Mac yesterday. It might not have been the right thing to do but I'm tired of the double standards. Suddenly he wants to make up but only because I said I could not stand to be in the same building with him any more. Our friendship is over. We'll never get back the same level that we once had. I'm thinking today, "Why bother?" The same thing could be said of Ann and Elaine, too.

This week's Al-Anon topic for the online group are the maintance steps- 10, 11, and 12. I look at that and I have to wonder, do I practice these steps at all? I think I do. I do a daily inventory in my head and sometimes on paper. I ask myself why is this affecting me, what can I change about my attitude or perception, I pray and meditate on it and I have tried to practice the principles of the program in all my affairs. I have tried to carry the message but right now it is limited to Rena, Elyce and Kenny. I must have some kind of program or why else would these people continue to reach out to me?

That train of thought takes me back to the lost friendships. If I'm working a program to the best of my ability then what happened there? Did they stop working a program? Or is it that they were only meant to be in my life for a short period of time?

Then I look at other aspects of my life. Did a stagnant program produce the financial crisis I've experienced this summer or was that a part of God's plan? Today I feel like Jonah. He sat in a booth with a vine growing above him to block out the sun and suddenly it was gone, withered away and the sun beat down on him. It was to motivate him to get moving to Ninevah to deliver God's message. So is the loss of my truck tomorrow a way to motivate me to get moving? Is this chaotic start to a new year my motivation to get busy? Until right this minute I had not looked at the new classroom in this light but I think maybe this is God's way of giving me a clean slate. Yes, I have to overcome the standard set by the previous teacher but I can do that. I've done it before. I've been feeling like I was at loose ends and it felt like a hopeless case but maybe I need to look at it as an empty photo albumn that I get to fill with my own pictures.

Maybe I need to look at the new beginnings in a different light too. Yes, I've lost friends but I have the opportunity to gain new ones. The new job and the opportunity to ride to and from church with church members because of my lack of transportation will enable me to make new friends. I might even form healthier friendships than those that I lost. Walking or biking (when I purchase the bike) will enable me to get healthier. I will have no choice. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Apparently unlike Marie who died in December, I'm supposed to be around for a little while longer. I have work to be done.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Awakenings, Anthony De Mello for his ensightful essays, Apartment
B- Butterflies, books
C- Christ, Carol Lynn Pearson, Cats
D- Don Quixote
E- Elyce, e-mail
F- Fans without them this apartment would be unbearable
G- God
H- Hope, health
I- Internet, Ice cubes
J- Joey
K- Kenny
L- Love, Light, Life, Linda, Library
M- Marianne Williamson for translating A Course in Miracles in a way that I could understand and apply to my life
N- Neighbors
O- Oatmeal even if it is low sugar
P- Pathway to Light for sending me the workbook lessons from A Course in Miracles, Pollyanna
Q- Quiet
R- Rena, rest
S- Serenity
T- Truck - it's been a good one
U- Understanding
V- Vision
W- Walking, water
X- Xena, may her spirit live in me today
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZ