Yesterday while I was at the inservice I discovered that someone I graduated with works in the cafeteria at my new school. I was never in any classes as Sam so I never really knew him at all. I always regarded him as kind of weird. His taste in music, entertainment, etc. was far different from mine.

I understand that Sam's a very nice person from those that know him. I listened to him talk about how much depression medicine he's on and his psychiatric appointments. I'm in therapy myself and half of my mother's side of the family is on anti-depressants or anti-pyschotic drugs so I can't afford to throw stones at Sam. I just thouht it rather odd that he threw that information out there on introduction. He must have just come from an appointment or felt that he was in need of one.

So many of us are going through hard times, trying to get in touch with who we are, trying to decipher what we think, believe and feel. It's no wonder the world is so disoriented.

I go to the bankruptcy lawyer today. Depending on what I learn there I may not go by and work in my classroom. There are so many things that I need to get done before school starts back and while I have a vehicle. I was just thinking about that as I got dressed this morning. I wish I could afford to go ahead and buy a bike on Friday when I get that little Impact check but it's rather doubtful that I can. I'm going to do well to cover the rest of my electric bill and pay that vet the $15 I owe for the puppy I rescued.

Aunt Nelle called last night. I really wish she'd leave me alone. I know everyone thinks I'm a horrible daughter and sister to Mom and Barry. They all think I abandoned them rather than helping them. What everyone doesn't realize is that when I was "helping" them I was killing myself. I just can't be all things to all people. I am only one person. I'm human, not superhuman. I gave up trying to have those super powers almost four years ago.

But then other things happened. It's not just my biological family that has unrealistic expectations of me. It was in all areas of my life. I don't know where everyone got the idea that I had super powers. I'm just like they are. I'm fallible. I have limitations. I make mistakes. When I don't meet expectations out come the accusations. Right now Aunt Nelle isn't the worst. She backed down a peg when she heard about my circumstances. It's people like Mac who are aware of my circumstances and still want to impose their will on me that bug the hell out of me. I try not to react, to lose my temper but it's getting harder. One day I may snap and give someone an ear full.

The Rabies Control agent tried to pick up Cocoa today. Bless her heart she was too fast for them. The old man next door warned me. He said I'd have to keep her in from now on. Sometimes my little cat sneaks out before I have a chance to catch her but I will make an effort.

I've got to get my butt in gear. I need to go through all these boxes here in the spare room and pull out everything I'm going to need in my new classroom. The exiting teacher pretty much stripped the room bare. I guess it was mostly his personal stuff. All I know is that I need to do this before next Monday when I turn my truck back into the dealership.

I've been thinking. I need a back pack now even if I can't afford the bike. It would help in carrying things to and from school. Wish I'd kept my old one. Damn, why do I have to always give things away. I know it was for a good cause. The kid needed a back pack and I had one I wasn't using. Wish I'd kept it now.

I had another job offer come through today. Richland was looking for someone to teach 7th and 8th grade resource. I'd have loved that but I would not have had transportation to get there. I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. I feel kind of out of it though. It feels like I'm walking in my sleep here. They don't do thing like they have in any of the previous counties where I've worked. Uh oh, we're not in Kansas any more, Toto.

Tomorrow I have my therapy session in the morning. After the time I spent with Lois today I'm going to need it. I just can't seem to meet anyone's expectations and she's trying to manipulate me. She thinks she's dealing with a push over. I'm not a push over. I'm getting my second wind and when I come back, I'm coming back stronger. I'm gonna rock everyone's world. I will be a force to contend with.

Well, the bankruptcy lawyer had good news and not so good news. She managed to reduce my payments down to half what they were based on my change in income. But I still have to maintain insurance of a truck that doesn't run. I'm going to start tucking away money towards something nice for myself. I think I'd like to have a spa get away like Linda did or a vacation to somewhere nice or a trip to see the Dalai Lama in October in Atlanta.

You know as grateful as I am to Lois for all of her help I really wish she'd quit trying to make me into something I'm not. I do not enjoy the same things that she does. It does not mean that I am boring or afraid to have fun. I just don't enjoy the same loud entertainment that she does. I haven't had the privalidge to drink alll of the wonderful concoctions that she has. I don't play pool. I don't ride bikes. I don't go around saying "pussy this" or "pussy that". I cuss on the rare occasion but not to the extent that she does. I don't go around trying to pick up men or telling X rated jokes in mixed company. I did that at one time and I wound up with the wrong kind of men. I'm relatively quiet. I keep to myself. I hate being the center of attention. I like to let my hair down and laugh with people I'm comfortable with. I enjoy the company of others but I don't do it to draw attention to myself. I like to be able to just enjoy the people I'm with.

I'd like to think I belong somewhere. Yeah, I know I should have such a healthy sense of self that it doesn't matter. But the truth is I've never felt like I belonged. That reminds me of a scene from the final episode of Dawson's Creek. Jen is telling her best friend Jack that she wants her daughter to be cared for when she dies. She's asked Jack to become her daughter's father when she's gone. She talks about wanting her little girl to grow up with a sense of belonging because she never quite felt like she fit in. Jack tells her that she belongs to him that she's his soul mate. You'd have to know the story line behind these two characters to appreciate what he said and why it meant so much to me.

I'd like to have a make shift family of some sort. Maybe not a lot of people living under one roof but a sense of belonging. This summer has taught me just how unimportant I am. I've felt utterly alone at times. I know I have friends and I know I'm loved but there have been times when I felt very unloved and alone. It was in those times that I turned to God. I guess that's why those times occurred. I needed to learn just have fallible human beings are. How dare we be human! Let's make a pact not to do that any more.