I finally figured out something about myself that disturbs me. I don't know where this comes from.

Due to the groceries that the Help Center gave me on Monday, my cabinets are over flowing. That's a wonderful thing. But when I go in there to look for something to eat I become paralyzed. First, there are too many choices and that confuses me. Then, it's as if I say to myself, "If I eat this today, I won't have it for tomorrow." But there's plenty in there. There would be something for tomorrow. Where does that thinking come from? I'm that way with money, too, at times. If I spend this on A, I won't have any money for B. Look at my behavior with the Al-Anon home group's finances. We raised enough money to pay a whole year's rent. But we took a portion of it and made a prudent reserve. We still don't take in $50 a month in contributions to pay our rent. We'll end up dipping into our prudent reserve which is what it is there for. But my attitude is if we spend it now we won't have it for later.

I haven't always been this way. It seems to come to me in times of extreme stress. Over abundance does that.

I've also looked at my friendships. I realize that I have friends who will occassionally lend me a helping hand but I don't have anyone to spend time with or to do things with. I'd rather have that than the helping hand. I wish Monti was still around. Maybe I should start praying for friendships.

People never cease to amaze me. Just when I think I've got them figured out they change before my very eyes. Jerry of all people. He's finally decided I'm not the ogre. I know that Jane went back and told all that I had said about my perdicament. I don't care. I'm going through a hard time where my future is uncertain. I have a light at the end of the tunnel but even good things have negative things attached to them. At any rate, he is coming to the home group in August to tell his story. I don't think he's ever told it in that building and to that group. I'm amazed at that. He told me not to ask him why he was doing it, he just was. I think it's about making amends. I find myself looking in amazement at the district members. I've thought for so long that the majority of them hated me or just tolerated me for a little bit. I'm loved beyond measure.

Bobby, the drama king, actually spoke to me this evening before meeting. I guess he's decided that I'm not so bad after all. I just wish he'd leave the Cheryl issue along. How can you claim to be one woman's fiancee when your with another woman? I'm not into that kind of stuff. I believe in being with one person at a time. I believe in monogomy. I don't know if he and Mac are back to being close friends. I sincerely hope not. Mac nearly relapsed while he and Bobby were friends.

Who really knows what Mac is doing these days? Certainly not I. He is still not speaking to me. It's extremely painful for me to walk into a building and see a person I once regarded as my brother and know that he wants nothing more to do with me. In some ways he has hurt me worse than Joey did. I guess what scares me about this is that maybe in some odd way I had fallen in love with Mac. Not on the sexual level, but on an emotional level. I think that's why it hurts so much. Emotional affairs are far more harmful that sexual affairs because you've shared things on such an intense level.